I told bf that the last two months has been a time of reinvention

For want of a better word

The process was all about breaking apart and then scrambling to find the pieces – of myself back

I was trying to feel for everything

For everything felt like kind of the same. Nothing could excite me. I didn’t know about my likes and dislikes. Didn’t know what why when where how

And my body was imitating this state

Yesterday at bedtime I was asking HuaiHao what is the heavy weight at my heart center? And he went:” you don’t know how to express yourself. Like you are not made of plastic, you are made of metal , just be yourself and don’t follow the herd”

I didn’t really know what he meant

Today after so long I went back to walking and seeing this kind of made me get it

When everything fell apart, I was trying to grab bf to hold on to something to anchor

But in a way or another, he appeared to be leaving me to my own

And I kind of find myself crushed even more knowing that he has/had been my rock and I m me and myself now

What is my rock when is my rock?

I was devastated

I was frantically searching for something to anchor on

And I think that rock would be the divine. And anything belonging to that

Searching for the divine feeling for the divine and connecting with the divine

And I saw Rumi , “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop”

And after searching outside for so long looking for something else, I kind of found the divine in myself

And that day I went to remove my wisdom tooth because it went all shaky. When the tooth was extracted, I felt a miraculous sense of release. It was as if something deep was lifted out of me

Came back tired and napped and woke up to a rainbow

What a journey it has been looking for light ?