What makes you go on?
Especially when you are tired.
“Affected” by the little boy, probably stressed by the load of oncoming work, or distressed by it, I literally sunk and caved in.
I wasn’t breathing well, I was gasping for air, I felt constricted, compressed and my shoulders hurt.
My tongue was searing, like on fire. My breath had a stench.
I googled, the tongue is representative of the heart in TCM and in ayurvedic tradition, what is my searing tongue trying to say to me?
My heart is on fire? haha, probably so, when I was upset with Huaihao those few days.
I havent been that upset with him. Or—–was it, with myself?
Probably I wasn’t listening to myself enough.
I felt like the assignments I picked up aren’t really what I like, the business side of things, not that I really needed the money. But I could do. Who couldn’t ?
I didn’t like the business side of things, the reality of it.
Now that I m writing about it, its a certain reality that I didn’t like. Reality that does not go along with me, I tend to not like.
I saw me.
Then I came across something Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche said:” See everything as an opportunity.”
Tired, I wanted to get out of the house very much. I brought Huaihao to his holiday camp the morning and back, we held hands and walked.
And the breeze came.
Huaihao played with soft pastels today and he drew a snowman, so very pretty and he asked, “would you like it?”
I said yes! But more than anything, I don’t need anything from him.
I told Huaihao, I am just so so grateful, to be able to hold his hand and to walk together. That he is happy and healthy and we can walk together, hand in hand like this.
That day when I took him to class, I thought of something. The boy’s story came out in the news, and reading about his story made my emotions surge in a sudden.
But it was also good to let them (I hope, all) out.
I felt better afterwards strangely, having had a better understanding of the picture.
I the crying I sort of decided I wanted and will go on. I was jerked off the path in a way. In the crying, i sort of put myself back.
On the bus, I thought, there really is no time to waste in life. And that WE SHOULD GRAB EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE WELL, BE HAPPY, BE AUTHENTICALLY OURSELVES. TO EXPRESS OUR LIGHT.
This morning a helper carrying heavy grocery let me get on the bus first, and when I alighted, I waited for her and tried to help her.
Something simple like this, was really what my heart wanted to do, and I felt good.
And once again, I learnt about listening to my heart. My heart who seemed to know what and why or how.
In the afternoon, I went out for my assignment . It was a lunch tasting for a CNY project I was working on. And my heart didn’t skip.
I didn’t feel excitement I wasn’t hearing my heart I guess.
But in the session, I met new people, creative people who were in and out of my field, new people, people whom I have met in the food industry. I enjoyed meeting new people and having these big and little exchanges about life. There were opportunities to flash out my opinions and work them out, learning about confidence and expression.
I enjoy listening and talking to people and finding out about their lives.
And someone new I met, a creative, told me to get out and start earning my keep with my talents, contacts and passion.
To find something I love, and make things better. He said that it is not necessary to find something original or new, but definitely should make things better.
He encouraged me to step out and to do something. And if its something you love, you never tire and never work a single day.
As I sat listening to him, I wonder why.
Why is this person who, I have met just an hour ago, tell me all these things? Is this coincidence?
Who is he? Who sent him to talk to me, with what he said and the way he said?
Somehow I feel egged on.
Is there something I have put down or ignored? Was it my light that I dimmed or switched off on my own accord?
Is it time to do something?
I went to fetch Huaihao after class, and we walked, hand in hand, telling him about what I did and all.
Before long its bedtime.
Huaihao is happy to chat. He told me what he did in class, the games he played and how he behaved, he did a boogie and chuckled, then he showed how his friend danced in class and we both laughed in the night.
I couldn’t thank him enough.
I said thank you to him, for loving me and for lifting me up. I opened up and told him how I felt about work, he asked me how much I will be getting paid.
And then he said wow.
I said I didn’t really feel like working but with the money I can lighten Daddy’s load and I can get whatever I wanted or what they wanted. Which brings me to the point,’ “should I be happy about this?”
He nodded, “uh huh”
I got an uh huh moment.
I must have been in dreamland, unaware, like a spoilt brat, mulling over unimportant things not mindfully.
This conversation gave me energy. Showed me light and pointed out to me a new perspective ———or at least, looking at things from another angle.
Having the opportunity to earn dollars and to be trusted, having the opportunity to contribute my light.
I used to look at it the “old way”, that way stemmed from my experiences, habits, but the magic Huaihao is, helped me find a way out.
He lifted me up.
And all the angels around me did too. I believe.
And who——- lifted you?