I don’t know why I am so affected.

One day the previous week, I saw a chat in the parent’s group chat, that there’s a little boy in the children’s primary school who is suffering from cancer and has an arm chopped off.

The chat asked for donations as he is about to go for an operation and his dad has just been diagnosed with illness.

I was affected more than I knew.

Even now as I m typing my thoughts out, I feel so pained.

The sun was shining, but I couldn’t feel the warmth.

I asked myself if I can ignore this message. I can’t. But what else can I do besides donating? How much can I donate?

I thought about John. An essential oil guru who is so adept with essential oils he has helped healed so many.

I texted back wanting to talk about this.

Then I hesitated.

Is this right time?

How would the parents take this? Alternative therapy isn’t what any person on the street can accept.

Should i leave the judgement to them ?

I decided to cancel the typing. Typically John would let his clients still go for the mainstream method before proposing essential oils for healing. Maybe I should text them after the boy’s operation.

I silently prayed for him. I chanted mantras whenever I remembered, I asked my friend to write his name for a puja in Nepal for blessings.

But before I knew, last Saturday, in the same chat group. I received message that the boy has passed away the night before due to complications in surgery.

I just couldn’t control my tears.

Why couldn’t he wait? Why did I wait? Would I have made a difference? Should I have made the decision? Should I blame myself?

It was all too painful.

I feel suppressed and tight.

I had to make effort to breathe.

I felt low on energy since then. Like something heavy drabbed over me. I couldnt feel hungry. My neck my shoulders were heavy, so was my breath.

Why was I so affected?

I couldn’t understand.

What called out to me? What was it that tugged at me?

Was it how life can go so quickly? How much we cannot control? How much we should not wait? How (un)fair life can be? How complex life can be? Is this karma? Is this how life can be or cant life be something else? Can life be empathetic ?

What exactly is life?

The last year or so I have been reading and getting acquainted with great teachers on soul evolution and transformation, I have been reading about manifesting what you want, laws of pure potentiality, or how life or the universe works to support us.

These are empowering, you find yourself responsible for your own path. You realise you have the power to steer your course.

It is all so positive and cocreative.

But this incident happened like a hard knock. Even if I could interpret this as karma, or how one’s soul has chosen this path, it brings to mind how much or how little we can do at the same time.

In unawareness, what happened to the boy such that he would have chosen this path? What made him suffer so much to make this decision?

In our lives, how have we made decisions unwittingly not mindfully in that split second because something happened and we responded in a particular way, out of habit, from a place of trauma—— in pain.

In pain we create pain.

Not that we can’t create something positive but it takes a lot more.

What is painful is how people keep repeating and keeping themselves in a cycle or how difficult it is to get out.

I told my husband, who has been lately angry with the kids, that we have to be careful and mindful with our words, we do not know how our words can affect another.

How have we as parents erred? How have we hurt our children in anger?

I felt fear and regret.

I looked back at my life. How have I made silly decisions in a split second that did not serve me.

I should count my blessings.

I was judging myself way too much.

But we can get a hold of ourselves and be mindful as much as we can. I hear myself say.

Count your blessings. Be grateful for the angels whom you have met along the way to show you the light. I hear myself say.

We can hug the kids at bedtime and learn from our mistakes and be better persons in our own right and become better parents to our kids.

There are many things we can do with mindful awareness and intention.

After a few days of stomaching these, I finally took to talking with the kids. At first I wanted to shield them from the news, what good would this do? But I decided to share my feelings with them.

After all, if I want to have an open culture of my kids sharing their emotions with me, I want to show them this is what I do. It was difficult to, I was choking but I tried to find the very words that could express my heartfelt emotions.

That we should all cherish our lives and the everyday we get a chance at. The little boy fought so hard to go to school despite it all. How awesome he is.

Qinzhi cried hearing this.

I told them we have to learn how to cherish and treasure our every breath, no matter how hard sometimes it may be, we continue to push on and not give up. To not take things for granted. To make good every opportunity we have to make ourselves better—-to carry on!

To love and care for each other.

Thank you for the inspiration, little angel. May light be with you——always.