On my way to an interview, I was setting an intention
For the chat session to be one that spells out voices from the heart
I thought of why writing mattered to me. Not because I love writing
But because I get to hear people and their stories. Most of all , their heartfelt voices
I travelled and went to so many places , asked so many questions and met so many people because I really was looking for voices from the heart -to teach me and guide me on my own path and journey
Their stories and advice felt like a rope somewhat and always let me learn something
And when I stopped writing I kind of felt a void
Seeing these points brought me to see also-
Maybe how disappointed it turned out to be when I tried so hard to fetch voices from people close to me, and maybe also- from myself. But after so many tries , I did not manage to.
And why was it so hard for myself and people near me- when it is easy doing the same on others?
Did I really listen? With my heart? To myself ? To people near me?
Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.
On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.
I wrote this for Qinzhi
And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.
And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.
I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem
I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature
Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty
An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing
I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白
And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.
I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.
At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.
I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.
And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.
Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.
I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst
And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.
I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.
When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.
I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.
And so I release them, and myself.
Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.
I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.
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