It all started with this I saw on FB

And I asked Ron if guilt and shame has some place in my body in my body

And we set out to find.

And if you want to find, you will, for this is what the universe and living is. IF you ask for it, you will be given.

But writing this way made me see that I was the one who kept wanting to find old and not new. I kept going back, revisiting the old, locking myself in that kind of vibration and frequency and energy and now I know it is because I identified with pain for the longest time.

The pain worry fear shame guilt and whatever negativity it brought made me who I am and propelled me this far.

So without them, who is TPY?

So I was the greatest architect of my reality.

So this is how it went, with Ron holding space for me.

I recalled a scene in my old home where my maid was throwing a tantrum on the floor and mom was trying desperately to contain her and manage her. I was looking on as a little girl of about 7 or 8 years old.

My helper would periodically throw fits and have these emotional breakdowns so much she would be fussing on the floor. Probably due to some things that happened at home. Mom would be managing her in the kitchen but also at her wits end.

And now in this exercise, I saw for myself the meaning of resonance.

I started with everything I m alone and I scratch. Why because I was feeling blank and empty. And it feels like a don’t know what to do, no purpose helpless powerless feeling, and also, a need to try and find out something. The head just feels blank and it doesn’t feel accomplished. Silly and stupid.

And that was what the maid felt.

She had issues at home and she was at a complete blank and feeling helpless and don’t know what to do.

The thing is that Mom actually felt this too.

Mom also felt these feelings of unaccomplishment and helplessness and even though she is desperately trying to find out a way, the head is blank

I recall her scolding the maid words like silly or stupid too, she even , in desperation to wake up the maid to her senses, had to slap at her thighs and legs

Mom was having a bad time. Her insecurities went out at the maid.

So both mom and maid were in that same theme and resonated. Both had an emotional breakdown

And for me the little girl in that space looking on….I didn’t want to be in that situation of having to be helpless, powerless, blank state of don’t know what to do and feeling unaccomplished. I actually took that shit.

My helper Jenny was someone I picked out a an album at a maid agency. She was the first helper we had and stayed the longest and we were like family. I remember dad proudly proclaiming how I picked her out of an album.

And I actually felt guilty of that.

And I was scratching to want to get out of this blank helpless situation badly.

I associated blank wrongfully! With the connotations of powerless helpless unaccomplishment, lack of purpose, not wanting mom to see me stupid.

SO I work so hard pushing myself, I cannot allow myself to fail. I ace I m at the top but after accomplishing so much, I do not really feel fulfilled.

It made me see why I was uncomfortable with not doing, or doing nothing.

It made me see why I was so uncomfortable with letting go or at the other end, why I needed so much to be in control.

But these are all stories I lived my life with and for. And spent a good 40 years on them.

Is it not enough?

Coming to this point made me see how powerful this session or exercise is. I started out wanting to find if guilt had a part to play with my scratching. I didn’t imagine it could be this ISE—initial sensitising event.

And the powerful thing is, Qinzhi and I had an incident with a passerby just a few days back. She was carrying stuff for me and headed straight towards an uncle seated on a stool with some hangers on the floor and coincidentally, another uncle carrying stuff came by. Both collided briefly. And that uncle came ranting at Qinzhi who froze and didn’t know what to say. She was blanked out. And now I understand why Qinzhi always freezes and blanks out when something comes sharply at her, out of the blue.

The incident stuck with me, just like how my maid throwing tantrums stuck with me. I just couldn’t say why. But now now now!

Ron pointed out it is important to heal 3 people in that situation. First, the little me.

“Talk to that little girl and let her know, its really not her fault. If not for her picking out this maid, she wouldn’t find employment and be struggling with money issues back home. Give her a hug and assure her that this really is a clash of resonance and events where all that needed to align aligned.”

“You see. The maid was caught in a situation of not knowing what to do. She couldn’t go home but she did her best too and don’t know what else she could do here. Mommy too. She used whatever little resource she had to get the maid here to help, but the maid gave problems. And she couldn’t send her back, and is torn between keeping her here too. She felt blank too!

So go to Mommy! What would you tell her? “

I said to leave this to dad to settle and in essence she needn’t shoulder everything alone.

So i went for a hug at mom to soothe her and to let her know that everything’s okay.

“Now the maid.”

I went to Jenny and said my apologies. I feel sorry that things panned out this way, but really that there is a way out and she can tell us about her problems and we can chip in and help together as much we can. She does not have to feel helpless at all and we actually love and value her a lot! She’s like family and we wouldn’t want to see her in pain!

And to mom too. Need not feel helpless or blanked out, or that stressed out. Have faith in the husband you picked and whom loves you so, give her the room and the chance to sort, most of all, have faith in your intelligence and wisdom. Above all, have faith in the divine and let loose of control.

I felt happy writing this way. I see the three soothed, comforted, relieved, burdens pressing on heart and shoulders gone, and reunited and powerful.

I know there is closure and I can hold my head and move on.

The key is this, that when I heal myself, I heal mom and I heal Qinzhi and the whole line of women.

At some point, I understand that my mom also had a part to play in my dad’s fortunes, because she was shouldering so much and was carrying this strong idea of abandonment and disbelief in and with love. That the men in the tribe were not living up to it not levelling up to times. Its like no matter what the husband does, its not enough. If she had not identified so much with brokenness. If she had placed more positivity and confidence in letting the man handle, things might have been different. If she didn’t believe so much that he didn’t know what to do, can not do, she wouldn’t have created hers and dad’s realities.

And I see again how and why I need to be in control so. They are mom’s mode not mine. I am not that that. Look at the way I soothed them, to let go to share to find opportunities and power in us, we. Not being alone.

I see again how I kept identifying myself with brokenness. Keeping myself in that place.

In life and all these years, I was not me, I only habitually practised and got better at reigning and holding helm. I lived under a spell of stories, so drop those already. Just drop them! Allow things to play it out! Relax with the flow.

” If you set expectations too much, you cannot flow. You need to step back to be shown the grandeur. Understand the sacredness, when you understand how small you are, and it is this sacredness that exposes the infinite possibilities of healing.

It almost like when he pulls, you need to let go. Surrender and allow the process. Expand on your capacity so you can hold. Allowing your capacity to build in allowing. As in reiki, you are in a miraculous position where miracles are happening as an observer. You become a conduit of magnificence and love and the beauty is you are part of it.”

As how life panned out, I have become such a strong woman and accomplished so much for myself and my family.

It is really time to start living out TPY. And I am excited and thankful, so thankful for this blessing this opportunity!

Life is abundant, magic and sacred. And we are here at this time. Let’s all do our part to be ourselves, just unreservedly ourselves. And the world definitely becomes a better place.

As Ron advised, start a new relationship with your body.

“Dear body, I m sorry I hurt you and did not take good care of you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me all this while, and I love you my body! Thank you and we need not create inflammation nor keloids or anything like this. We can create joy, happiness, euphoria, peace, love, ease! We can awe can and we will love each other for a very long time!”

And so it is!

And this is why in the past I have been shy about my body, about my scars, and couldn’t really enjoy or surrender in times of intimacy.

A Ron puts it, “Feel light about life. So light about life. This ease comes from the understanding that everything that is out there is already in the highest good.”

Its magic when you go to bed at night and feel so light you kick under the blanket sheets and smile to sleep. Its magic when you see how life or the divine loves you and you are soaking it all up. I used to feel that I m not worthy, don’t deserve it, but now, but now! Lap it all! Soak it up. And bask in that glory and take it further better and share it with more people!

When I had these feelings of gratitude, wonder, I know anyone else can own these feelings too. The magic is already in them in their lives, if only—– they see it.

As Ron asked for it, I did a testimonial, somewhat summing up all these beautiful amazing experiences I have, sorting out myself in his presence.

“Unbeknownst to us, the love we have been so wanting, that truth we have been in so seeking, is often with us, in us.

On my journey of seeking, I had the honour of having RonWu with me.

My sessions with Ron are nothing short of, but always magic.

It is always a wonder to see RonWu at work, fishing out and digging out with me, and ——-for me, bits and pieces of truths I have missed.

If anything, I feel blessed , so very blessed and happy like a child, that I get these opportunities this privilege to have him hold the space for me as I put in effort and go deeper at myself.

What I love really, is how he crushes at my self imposed limitations and lay out truths before me.

“够了吗？ （Enough already）”

There is no (more) excuse other than —— open up.

Each session holds the promise of making peace with a certain past, people, myself.

I get to play an active role (re)designing myself and I get closer to becoming a better version of myself.

Better because I feel the shine in my eyes.

I get to savour the very very richness of now.

And I am delirious with joy because I get to see snapshots of this magnificence called life and revel in it.

If this is not magic, then—— what?”

And again, if anyone needs this, if anyone,at anytime needs a shot at ———reclaiming, reframing, redesigning, remapping, reworking the self.

Here. https://aquinas.sg/