Because I didn’t. So I got to discovering this. and a collection of thoughts below.
The Heart Went Wild
We were heading back from our walk and I was panting
Bf remarked if I was ok because we were just brisk walking
I said now even if I brisk walked, I was panting less than the days before when I was doing nothing but panting and frail and weak and fatigued
And he said, that is because your mind is lost and your heart doesn’t know what to do
Your mind went away and did not give instructions to the heart and the heart went wild too
Wow
And he hit the mail on the head. The heart went wild, went everywhere and nowhere.
I was LOST, big time
I got impatient trying to find something to do
I sent out resumes
And didn’t get replies
I tumbled into a very low low
I completely lost myself and couldn’t steer myself anywhere
For a while I didn’t know what I want and worse nothing really could motivate me or anchor me
Qinzhi was so right
She said ,” you look like you are so down with life “
And I worried her
Then yesterday when I felt better, she said, “ you look like you found something you are passionate for “
I told bf this and he asked me what I found.
Heal Thyself
I said I found – again this reminder – I can heal myself
Just today walking and chatting om ah hung – Guru Rinpoche ‘s mantra brought me newfound wisdom
I went back to the sacred cave in tso pema and saw Guru Rinpoche in his cave
I was kneeling before him and trying to feel his presence and blessings
It’s a very special feeling
Feels like there’s something else that touches you through and through in the air
Actually I kept asking for healing and blessings and today I understood that my prayers were heard – even if I thought I was not heard
I asked for healing and I kept going back to the past to check on myself and when I went there I always saw or found new things about myself
Yes there was healing
Power
And I also realized how much of my own power I have given out
Each time I looked outside for advice, I went out to look for consolation, I gave a bit of my power away
But- Each time I engage in initiatives to do something for myself engaging and ascertaining my power I feel good
Show Up for Today
And I didn’t couldn’t show up for life in the few days that I was not well
Do Today Do Now
I was thinking big! My purpose in life, the meaning I can derive . And I got even more lost
But just now ! The message I heard was- just look at tomorrow or even now . Do the day well. Make every moment of the day joyful, easy, effortless, happy, healthy.
And the bigger things will come
只要过好每分每秒，未来的都是生命的花红
If you make each moment count, everything that comes along is a gift from life
Listening to Joey Yap these 2 days inspired me in two ways
He said that if you wanted something, it’s not the wish you made that makes it possible but the steps you take . When you take the correct action, you do not have to keep your eyes on the end result because you get there.
It’s the steps you take.
Second, he talked about opening up to grace. And that we have notions about what is grace. Like this is grace or healing and that is not and in so we could not see what has been given .
This brings me to the point of me realizing this point yesterday during the run—— that my body actually has healed the keloid over and over again. If this isn’t grace what is????
YET I failed to recognize it. And time and again it has stood by me. Mended me.
Today in my run , I found something else.
That me of all people must have at one point in time believed that I m lesser, lesser than beautiful.
It could be a time when I was fat and obese and there were well meaning people around me poking at me in fun ways to make me watch my diet but I took it the wrong way.
And in an instant, I of all people put an energy on myself as I too, believed in that.
I believe and grew to become ugly somewhere, my esteem and confidence bruised
I did away with my fleshy round face and rosy blush cheeks
Today in my run, I actually saw this for myself. And how I – of all people stopped myself and limited myself and subjected myself to a lesser state
But seeing this was liberating, I came face to face with the little girl I was and she was crying.
“Why did they say those things to me? Am I not perfect beautiful cute?”
And I said to her, “ forgive them! They said these things as passing remarks. They did not know how to express better. They still loved you anyway.”
Let them go and that intense energy you subjected yourself to- dissolve into nothingness
“You are beautiful as always. Find back the blush the rosy cheeks the round face. Don’t give them up just like that.”
And for once, I found the keloids scar beautiful. They were a testament to how much my body loves me, stood by me , and beautiful because of this story of knowing
It’s been close to one month since I stopped running , recovering from flu
The last week has been extremely tiring for me with foggy feelings fatigue breathlessness
When I ran all this while nothing of the sort plaqued me
It came to my understanding that the energy isn’t flowing or circulating in my body and there was a lot of stagnation
Probably also another nod to my professional life as I now look outwards and forward to starting out again
Yesterday while preparing dinner, I told myself to do every bit deliberately
Be in the moment and not be led away by the fogginess and the associated frustration and helpless feelings that came along
There was a lot of surrendering to that state I was in it trying to make sense or worry or find out what was not right
Not trying to get out of it desperately
To just be with that state and not being afraid of it not stopping it nor trying to force my way with it – and end up making things worse
But the sun came out this morning and I decided to head out
I ran somewhat slowly first
And I intended to open myself up to the now
And to listen in to whatever message or guidance the universe brings
And bring me messages it did
⁃ We are the very ones who close our doors to life. Really subtly this happens. We close up and we know this is true because or when we open up
⁃ Awareness can heal. I thought of the repeated bouts of fatigue and breathlessness. Each time worked my way with it using whatever awareness I have or have not- they were important practice sessions for me to wake up. Awareness of the situation can have immense healing powers
⁃ it doesn’t matter how slow you go so long as you are in the right direction, you are getting there
⁃ I thought of my keloids- thing is even though it has been inflamed so many times each time it healed. The body heals. The body is on my side
⁃ But how many times did we wreck our body by not taking care of it
⁃ The next thing that came: give thanks. Say thank you, thank you body for healing me each time
An eagle flew by as I completed my run
I also learnt that there is a lot of power in “I call my power back”
Huaihao came over at 6 in the morning , hugged and kissed me and gave me a card he made, “happy birthday mommy”
At night I asked him what are his wishes for me? And he said, “I wish for you long life, happiness and healthy!”
On my birthday, HuaiHao woke up earliest as always and showed me his handmade card. Then Qinzhi woke up too and hugged me. After the kids headed to school, we had vegetarian bee hoon and headed to the market and supermarket to get ingredients for dinner. We went to collect the cake.
Bf asked the kids to ask dad sis and boy over for dinner. And i m thankful for that. I made a wish and blew the candle on my birthday cake . And it is as perfect as can be.
More importantly, yesterday, I kind of took some time to listen to my (higher self) and got some notes out of it.
Conversation with TPY
This is one beautiful birthday where you felt like you didn’t need anything else, isn’t it? In the past, you wished that your husband bought you flowers or pampered you with a lavish dinner, or throw you a surprise. Not this year.
You kind of felt like you don’t need anything from your husband children , you are thankful for whatever they have done for you and simply, them being here.
Actually, I don’t know how this year went by for you. It went so fast everything was deep and intense as you put your all into the depths and the roller coaster of the mind and emotions of course. But – you know- you actually wanted it didn’t you?
and so off you went to explore the mind.
You ran SO So Much! Never have you ran and walked so much in the sun but you found newfound freedom me time and so much wonderful wisdom and healing in the runs. You sort of got answers for your questions from the wind, the squirrels the insects the flowers the sun and-I m amazed you actually ran in the rain
You explored the breath
You explored affirmations
You found a greater understanding for yourself your life your experiences
And saw the connection of the mind and body
You learned about manifestations
You explored qigong
You enjoyed sound baths
You went back to yoga
I feel like the key word for you this year is energy
You did lots of energy work knowingly and unknowingly-you were exploring energy-of yourself and of others
You explored reiki- and that is because you felt there is a lot more work to be done exploring keloids and your past experiences
You wanted to go back. In fact, you kept going back to the past- fervently digging and digging. Wanting to stay there and not going forward.
Looking back: what were you thinking? What did you want to find?
What truths are you seeking and hanging on to? Just to stop yourself from going forward? You have created the keloids, the cyst and many others to stop yourself from going forward.For instance, you felt you needed healing. And you peeled off onion layers and saw more.
You kind of indulged yourself
And I know you are very thankful to your husband for allowing you, he took on the more difficult parts of supporting the family so you could do this.
The year that passed you by – happened in the very way you wanted
And landed you in the now
So be careful what you want
What do you want?
The k drama you picked out- Little Women was a thriller ride on plots and inner psyche. In a scene, the female lead found herself in a new house and her aunt said, “this is the kind of house that makes you feel like you can start off all over again even if you have lost everything”
And you turned to HuaiHao who was watching with you and said, “ isn’t it nice to start off afresh? If all is not lost, you wouldn’t be able to do anything you want however you want it. There would be patches here and there that you had to manoeuvre around and take care of .
It feels like where you are now. And when you kind of understood why you hanged on to this drama amongst others. Simply put, the outside is a reflection of the inner world
There is something in you TPY – and in you too- you you you and you- and that is intuition, instinct inner knowing
It might be a blur to the senses but you me we have it
So what do you want?
You were discussing this with the hairstylist the day before your birthday. It started with her recommending a really short spanking hairdo and asking you to do away with the fringe
You asked what happens if the fringe grew long?
And she said, “ then come look for me!”
You explained to her that you liked her suggestion more- you wanted the change didn’t you but you felt that keeping the fringe would be more convenient. I m glad you finally decided to pick what you like rather than what is convenient
And writing this made you realized what you just did- a while ago you asked yourself who you wanted to be? And you told yourself you wanted to be this girl bathed in sun, lean and athletic, with this sporty hairdo.
It has (be)come true
So I m really glad you chose the short hairdo, inherently- choosing to explore the new hairdo and be willing to be guided by it and see what comes out of it.
Recounting what she said you smiled. You wondered why you took the time to even think
You smiled because you are once again reminded and so thankful that there are so many people around you supporting you
There is absolutely no need to worry, nothing to concern yourself over.
I was really glad you took her advice to trim this short, she said, “I hope you find the inspiration to start off and start out-do what you like.”
I m glad you told her you trusted her and you knew this was the best option. I m glad you left it to her. I m glad – you decided to try something new rather than something you have done before
I m glad you followed your heart. Huaihao came up with a shopping list and listed love as one ingredient when you told him dinner is hotpot. He said, “because love IS the MOST important ingredient”
I m glad you affirmed what you liked when the hairstylist asked you that question – what do you like to do?
You said you like to go in search of beauty. Because in the experience of beauty you become whole and alive again. In beauty you redeemed your good self
Then you told her that you like to interview or talk to people- because people often tell you about the innermost bits of their lives – even if you have recently met. It is that trust and connection that you like to score.
And then you spoke about the man in your lives . You both have unromantic husbands. And would be always waiting out for that lovey dovey conversation or moment of romance and that would be the battery to let you go on
You laughed over the notion of (holding on to)romance
The hairstylist remarked that she does not believe in romance. And you said that the one who passes a remark like this is the romantic one
And she stopped to remind you this: “let me tell you this, the husband who does not require you to change to fit realistic demands is the one who is utmost and truly a romantic.”
That is because , she says, he allows you to do what you like and
he will face up to the harshest of realities and do all that is required so that you can continue to do what you like
It was a timely reminder- or a great summation of the last few years when you quit and your husband supported you wholeheartedly- with no expectations or conditions attached
It is not the first time you heard this
In fact you heard this several times over already but perhaps today you felt the gravity of it the most
This morning you felt it again when he hugged you with all his life
You cried in his arms because you knew he was protecting you all the while even when you were a spoilt brat and unreasonable
You felt it because a few days back he told you that you two could take a trip together
And you knew this came at this time because you two had passed the test
You were asking him where always did he want to go with you
And he replied, “france “
You were very happy because that is where you always always wanted to go with him too
You told him you were saving this for his 50th birthday to which he replied, “Sometimes u don’t have to keep things”
And you contemplate getting good class flight tickets because something tells you that this is such a precious trip – it is time given to you both to celebrate you two and it marks the beginning of better times in fact- great times for the two of you
More so, you wanted to thank him for unconditionally doing so many things for the family . Most of all, for you
And you wanted to thank him for that. You wanted to do something for him to say you appreciate and is thankful for him
And a few days later, he bought running shoes for you
My dear TPY, while you have spent so much time deliberating and fussing over yourself and your experiences, I m so glad you came to your senses and you have completed this little project of going back in time for yourself. And for coming back to the now at this point in time. Everything happened at the right time.
I believe as much as you do know, that the time has come forth for you to step out and up – to be that person you have stopped yourself from becoming
Tell me: What is the life or days you are looking out for ?
Days of sun, light , laughter, healthfulness, wellness, communication, love, bliss, beauty, meaning, purpose, kindness, prosperity, ease, effortlessness
What is it you like to do?
Talk to people, find out about their lives their values, so as to let them see their light and power, to connect.
And if possible, share that light outwards so more people are inspired and motivated
You want to become that top interviewer or presenter who would ask questions that would arrive at the innermost of the heart and that would heal
You want to be moved and to touch
And you ask yourself if you can do that?
YES YES YES you know you can and will
Happy birthday TPY
You are so loved. I wish you all the very best. You have all the support you need to do your work. So, fly now.
Its been a while since I picked up running 3 times a week. Although each time the route is the same, the process is so different.
What has been different is that H has been coming for healing sessions , energy work and I learn things each time. During the first session, her pendulum wouldn’t move on top of my crown, with energy work, the pendulum always moves in a vibrant fashion . But in subsequent sessions, in the beginning, the movements were small. My vital points were always wanting of movements and energy.
It is no wonder I felt low down and out. Not in the flow not connected.
Thoughts in the night
I have been drifting in and out of sleep at night with thoughts, such as: I have been “managing the keloids ” for the past close to 10 years, is it not enough? Not enough scratching itching inflammation?
Enough already?
I asked myself- or my higher self asked me—- in the middle of the night.
Peeling of layers
Today I peeled off another layer about the keloids.
Whilst walking back after the run, I peeled off another layer. The most recent realisation saw me seeing how the keloids were a shield and a protection for me.
Today I asked why I needed the protection?
The question is: do i still need protection now? The next thing that came to me was that I actually have support layers around me, whether it be family, an essential oil community or healers and people I could reach out to.
I am no longer that little one that needs protection, or -layers of protection.
The next thing I saw was that- the keloids were a shield and protection I desperately put up- in the time I need. There were these moments in time when I could no longer take any more. It was like the waves of life were coming at me. And I must have felt like I needed to block these out, and in a bid to block out whatever that was coming – I could no longer care if it’s good for me or not—- I needed a shield of protection. I needed to hide behind this shield this protection.
Today I saw how used to”shielding/protecting” myself from life I have become accustomed to. The shield and protecting is already happening unconsciously running automatically. In the same measure, the same “reflex”action, this habitual action and mindset, I block myself out of all receiving. Of all good things of all life.
Blocking out has been my habitual act I have become so used to, it happens without thinking.
Surrender
Surrendering is easier said than done. That day when I ran, I tried to work on open awareness. Basically just be aware of everything and anything around you. I felt like there was content in the atmosphere and I just wanted to allow the self to be open to this. To let the divine take over.
Whilst running today, I tried to open myself up. To allow, and to open up and allow. How do you push or let your self be aside and let the divine take over?
What is the feeling of stepping aside? Of putting your ego away in everyday life, in relationships?
Yoga
So many meaningful things felt during the yoga session on Monday. Teacher said, “find a place space for your breath – where it hasn’t gone to in your body. “
At the end of the session, I felt myself in stillness, in that place, there isn’t much movement, and you don’t really want to move. And after I left the studio, I wanted to keep that stillness somewhat. Trying my utmost to not disturb that sensation.
What I like
I told H about how Kim Robinson sat me down and used lipstick on my lips and told me , “Yen you have the most beautiful lips.”
I teared up. For he rescued me in that time of need. And till now, I remembered that moment even if he might not remember me. In my work previously, I have had the honour and privilege of meeting with angels like him, it was as if divinity is speaking to me through them, cherishing me motivating me, energising me.
It is moments like these- I felt connected to the divine. And in the years I have stayed away from work, I kind of lost grip and slipped away from these precious connections.
Getting back to work
I asked bf for support if I was ever going back to work. And he asked me what that is. I described to him how he could leave home without a care and to be devoted to work. Even if the kids were not well, he does not even call back to check on them. And that is because I m holding the fort at home.
And he got it. I asked if he is ready to commit to holding space and the home like this for me, when I get out to work. And when I do, I will have no reservations. I have been storing energy in the past 3 years for me to fly when I get out there.
Reflection
Saw the moon walking back and I instantly and instinctively turned to find the sun, in the opposite direction. Like resonance.
See the moon and you know where the sun is. As in what we see in our lives everyday. As above, so below. As with in, so with out. As the universe, so the soul. ― Hermes Trismegistus
It’s been a year or two since the implant started to malfunction.
It started with a pin sized hole in the gum and upping cleaning it a few times, some gum was lost, the metal of the implant was exposed and pus could be soon coming out.
I had been somewhat traumas and angered by this. I was blaming the dentist for not doing a proper job for the implant and for cleaning the pus so I lost some gum.
I went to John and he told me that everything related to the teeth and oral can be meaningful because infection goes back to the blood and brain and can affect the organs the energy the vitality and lead to things like Parkinson’s dementia
I was shaken by this.
He asked me what I want: I want the infection to go away and for the gum to heal
And he asked me to run 3 times a week
He suggested I gave myself a few months to soothe and heal this
He said that my head was very blocked and he needed me and my discipline of eating just twice a day and running to get the qi to flow
I worry about this for a while. Yesterday I headed to the dentist and he showed and explained to me what the 3d scan said
He said that there was no bone surrounding the implant and somehow at some point removal would be the way to go because with that I could let the gum heal and bone grow and the infection can stop
It’s been a few days since I ran and it’s amazing how it cleared me of the mental fog and toning me up
The infection actually slowed down with these simple healthful practice
It wasn’t that hard and I could see results
Actually more than what was said, I felt the healing was in making peace with the dentist and with myself. And the implant.
I had been agonizing over it. Vexed and frustrated by it. Angry and sore about how things turned out.
But I came to understand that no one wants anything to go wrong. And I in fact had a big part to play in anything going anyway —- I had a great part to play in any outcome I wanted.
I had explained to the dentist that my main concern was not aesthetic but in halting the infection. More than anything I m happy I came to a consensus with him that if anything I got to work hard at building my body and to change it from making infection and pus to making peace.
If anything I can—— change my body to one used to making pus and infection to one making a healthy happy peaceful state of calm and harmony
In fact I am grateful now that I have both his and John’s advice to support me on healing this.
And it suddenly dawned on me that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know another part of my body and to make it better!
And listening to Mingyur Rinpoche’s talk on Vajrayana practice made me aware that I could use the power of imagination too! Imagine the bone growing the gum healing !
I can also use affirmative words to support me. Everything that I need to heal is with me.
And I am grateful to receive these inspiring instructions. Thank you angels!
3)buddha nature : enlightened goodness inherent in us: all of us are perfect
The original purity
Dharmakhaya
Pristine awareness
Clarity
Luminosity
All of us has great quality has awareness love compassion powers
We need to recognize and discover
If we have ten qualities
We always see or exaggerate the one negative qualities even if we have nine good qualities
How to experience and recognize our innate quality our pure awareness
Buddha: You all are Buddha and have enlightened nature. How to recognize this?
It is as if you have a house and the land, beneath house is a treasure. But you don’t know. You struggle to live your life.
But actually you are a v rich person
One day you met a treasure hunter and recognize that you are a rich person.
You might be surprised because you struggled to survive. All this while.
Treasure hunter says you have treasure under your house and discover with you the treasure underneath
And exchanged some for luxury
Who is richer
The person who don’t recognize he has treasure
The person who recognized he has Treaure and exchanged some for luxury house
Both same rich
Problem is he don’t recognize he has treasure
We all have treasure within ourselves
Basic innate goodness wisdom skills potential —- your true nature is Buddha but you don’t recognize or not yet discover this enlightened quality within ourselves
As we recognize more, we become more free
We create our suffering and reality based on our ignorance and the reality becomes solid and we trap ourselves with our kind speech etc
Samsara is nirvana
Suffering doesn’t exist
We are perfect
But in the reality of suffering we create we can’t go beyond time impure body speech mind environment or obscurations
How to discover our treasure our Buddha nature within ourselves
In vajrayana tradition there are three ways to discover the enlightened nature within ourselves
⁃ developmental stage : we use imagination as path. With imagination which is v powerful form shape colour ie working with body
⁃ Completion stage with concept : working with subtle body working with speech the essence is breath or energy which exist thru body. Nerves nadi or channels : things loving inside nadi is cells or essence of energy bindu. Rhythm of moving and change is prana
⁃ Path of liberation: completion without concept : 5 levels in Tergar : working directly with mind and awareness with thinking feeling habitual and essence (or true nature of ) mind
Focus on developmental stage
Using imagination
Whatever we do in our life we have to use imagination
There’s some kind of image speech sensation belief in imagination
These four constitute imagination
Olympic athletes use imagination in training
Grow muscles by imagination- imagination running
Some pple can’t raise hand, imagine can raise hand and really can raise hand
Imagination can come true and become reality! Power of imagination!!!
In developmental stage, use imagination as path
Use enlightened qualities with imagination
We all are Buddha have immeasurable wisdom skills potential compassion all with you but none of them are manifesting with the way we look and manage our problems
All problems or obscurations are temporary so don’t worry!!!!!
Maybe you don’t have wisdom skills potential compassion now but you can IMAGINE! And become Buddha like!!! What Buddha see do feel!
Look at all beings with the eyes of a Buddha , with wisdom beyond concept
Imagine white Tara – wisdom
Fake it till you make it
Use concept to go beyond concept
Actually not totally faking because at essence level you are Buddha
In practice imagine you are Tara and share the light to heal and purify all beings
When you imagine deity, it’s like moon reflection in lake is empty form
Ie emptiness but emptiness doesn’t mean nothing
Emptiness is fullness or potential
You get refuge
Real refuge is connecting with the Buddha within ourselves
Taking fruition as path ie just thinking that I m enlightened
Awareness: because without this you can’t concentrate on the deity and his qualities
I was trying to figure out what was making me feel out of balance this last few weeks.
I knew something was off.
And bit by bit day by day as I took time with my feelings I began to unravel a bit more.
The closest understanding I got to was that I was triggered and my body bounced back to a certain past.
There were lots of triggers in the last 2 months. Before and during the Swiss trip and after I came back.
And everything worked together and culminated into the feelings of blockage of stagnation of difficulty
And I did clear away quite a bit of emotions each time it was difficult
Today I understood where my body spun back to
With HuaiHao getting COVID and bf abiding with his usual behavior of not lifting a finger to help and keeping with his practice of being away, I went back to all the past times when HuaiHao was not well and I was alone. Having to shoulder it all.
It was difficult because it was an accumulated pile of those emotions of anger frustration even hatred
Most of all it is being alone and having to shoulder it all
It brought me back to all of the times when I had to shoulder it all by myself
It brought me back to all of the times that I knew my mother was shouldering it all
I could not see how love of the other party – of someone who claims love you- of someone you love – can bring this immense intense loneliness helplessness frustration anger and hatred of having to shoulder it alone
Left with no choice was the thing. My mom was left with no choice and I now do not too
I did not think any amount of love can do that
I simply couldn’t reconcile this with love
My body went back directly to the times I was alone fighting it all using my only might and my all.
I was panting breathless I couldn’t speak I couldn’t eat I couldn’t digest I could breathe well
It was trauma through and through
It was—— as if the sky had come down
How can this be love? I thought and couldn’t get pass this point. I stopped.
Coming to this point this understanding made me see why I had to encounter this episode
I take it that everything is happening for me and the universe wants me to see this clearly
And I now have.
It is inevitable to be experiencing this because I have not gotten past this to understand or frame my past experiences in a way that would help me
I have not healed so to speak and so events would have it that I circle back to this to know that—- now isn’t the past.
And the fact is that ——my mom and me- we took it on, all. All the responsibilities. When we have the choice to not bear it, we actually took on the choice—— not no choice—- to eke it out
Simply because our hearts would have it this way
We did not take the easy way out but did real work of ekeing it all out with what little we had using what might and strength we had
And we better be damn proud darn proud of ourselves
For we did have choice!
We had really. And we chose with our heart and conscience this way out for ourselves. For our children.
The decision would be what our hearts would feel at peace with.
And it seemed inevitable that bf would do what he did. He had to do what he did or if not I wouldn’t be able to see that I and mom had a choice.
I can only wish that he felt at peace with his choice now in the past and in the future.
And in that I release all my feelings of anger resentment frustration pain hatred I release my body from the trauma of this all and I take back all my power.
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