Tag: transformation

Ah Siong Hia

Ah Siong Hia

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Ah Siong Hia is what I call him by for as long as I know.

Ah Siong is his name and Hia means brother in Hokkien.

I was nannied by his family and his auntie took me as a goddaughter. And because of this connection, I earned myself a few brothers who cared and loved me like no other. They gave me the respite I needed from the responsibilities of being an elder sister.

I remember when I was little I would always sit in his car and he would drive us to Changi airport at night to fetch his sister Ah Tin, who worked at Duty Free.

I remember being his flower girl when he got married to Michelle his wife.

Then when I had Qinzhi and when Qinzhi was little, and had Happy Train classes at Bugis on weekends, he drove her from Paris Ris to Bugis for us whenever Qinzhi did a staycay with them.

I remember the way he calls me and always cared for me- like hia— a brother. He always made sure people had things to eat—- when he himself never really did.

I heard how hard he worked for the family, doing lots of shift work at the airport at SATS. I remember when times were good he took the family to travel in Australia and bought me little koalas and an opal necklace

The last ten years of his life was less easy for him. He was diabetic and went on to do dialysis. I didn’t really visit him even though I heard how thin he had become or how he couldn’t walk or how he was panting or couldn’t sleep well or how he kept falling

I didn’t want to see and I kept away

I didn’t have the courage to.

He finally found himself in icu after another fall and at the dialysis center . And the next things I heard was his decision to decline the oxygen mask. He stayed on for another day and was gone last Sunday.

And what was I feeling about this? How was I really taking it?

I don’t know actually.

Qinzhi burst out in tears and HuaiHao said , “so sad … it’s like you cannot do anything about it”

Qinzhi was obviously shaken and she couldn’t really vocalize it. I asked her if she felt fear ? Fear of people leaving her and she said yes.

The kids are slightly older now and have begun to understand life and the cycles of it

I told them to remember the goodness and love Ah Siong Hia have given to them. And to wish him well and peace .

But how am I taking it? Ah Siong Hia’s passing made me think about life and death

So much time has passed since I played the role of a flower girl at his wedding. Time has gone for us all.

And listening to how he was and his decision through others made me see how dreamlike how fleeting life can be

In the time he was struggling in the hospital, everyone was expecting the worse. When would the last be?

And how different is it when we wait or expect a baby to be born ?

No one can control and no one knows.

Before we knew, he breathed his last. His family were obviously shaken, torn between feeling relieved that he need not suffer any longer and feeling pained for him.

I keep hearing how he cared for his family how he drove everyone around and ran errands – I remember being in his car and he would play Hokkien songs – and these are all long gone – and the next thing is his final send off before he is cremated and reduced to ashes

And is life —-to be this way?

How can we live life happily healthily joyfully meaning-fully while being subscribed to our habits our stories ?

There’s a sense of helplessness as people go about their lives , imprisoned by their feelings thoughts and perspectives

Yet we sometimes just need another point of view, an openness and a willingness to see to try a different path and follow a new direction. This point of difference is all that matters , so easy yet so hard all at once

I pray and wish for all to have the motivation to eke out a new path to have that opportunity that added push that energy that blessing that protection to

Life is short but life is long too

Life is hard but life can be easy too

Life is difficult but life can be very very good too

And I want to consciously live life well from now.

On Sunday afternoon, I shared with the kids this. I said I asked myself what I really want to do?

I thought so long: and my answer to myself would be that: I want to do something, anything that allows me to discover to feel and express the good in life. Goodness, honesty, integrity, love, compassion, heart, passion, perseverance, kindness, joy, to have the chance to capture these sparkling magic moments, to savour them cherish them celebrate them and share them outwards

That is what I want to do

And more than ever, I want to and know I can live long and well

I want to and know I can get the support of my body to go for it with me. As always.

I texted teacher Stephan to thank him for sharing over lunch and how he always believed in me and cherished me even before I did . And he replied to me this

“Dear Pin Yen, sometimes we loose sight of ourselves and need to be reminded, how precious you are.

So I will tell you again and again.

But it is important that you recognize and accept it.

And it is just the beginning…

I’m flying off tomorrow, we are connected and am always here for you and if you need an enkaku. Until very soon!”

I just had to ask myself when I stopped recognizing myself when I stopped seeing my power?

I asked myself that question until I fell into sleep last night.

Was it when I quit Michelin ? Was it even earlier? Was it when I was a child and I kept missing the chances when I wasn’t picked for some leadership roles? Was it when I was a student and I didn’t believe I had the right answer? Was it when I saw fellow peers succeed and envied them being in the spotlight while I lashed it out at myself chiding myself for not doing better or my best? I dimmed my own light!

Is this all above important ? what has been?

NO. Really. No . What has been had been.

I spent so much time asking and pondering and trying to find out. But I would accept this all now – all the experiences that have brought me here.

I’m sincerely thankful for them, for making me this way and bringing me here. I think I have done well and I can say- to the best of my ability

And I do want to DO more. I know and want my life to be so different in so many good ways, in ways new joyful healthy happy successful that I have never been or seen. And I know I can

Life is a dream but life is not.

I want to leave something beautiful and heartwarming every step of the way. And I know I can.

And we all can.

Thank you Ah Siong Hia, for all the love and care you have given to me. I am so grateful and thankful I have the chance to call you Ah Siong Hia and be a little sister to receive your love. Please rest and be at peace now.

And What Is It About YOU That YOU Do Not Like

And What Is It About YOU That YOU Do Not Like

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Have you ever wondered? If you like yourself enough/ at all?

Bedtime with HuaiHao . And I told him about my meeting with teacher Stephan.

I told him it made me happy today to catch an old friend , teacher, guide and to have a meaningful conversation

I told him Teacher pointed out to me how powerful my mind is and that everything that I need is with me.

And he always believed in me in my power in my capabilities ——- more than I do. He said I had the gift of expression and I could express myself really clearly. His words were “you could pronounce them clearly”.

He reminded me of the importance of feeling and to just be just allow. To surrender and to trust.

He suggested that I recognize and accept my story and more importantly integrate it into my life. There’s no good no bad no need for judgement. Just me. He asked ‘what do you plan to do with them’ with these experiences? He said there’s so much I could give to the world and he is certain the time will come.

Did you ever think that you could do something with your experiences?

I told HuaiHao all this. And that teacher appreciated me for who I am.

And I told HuaiHao it felt good because he made me see that I have been too harsh with myself.

To which HuaiHao said, “ you have too high expectations “

We agreed we should cherish ourselves more and HuaiHao asked, “ maybe you don’t like yourself?”

What was amazing was that in the afternoon when I met teacher , he put that question to me too. He asked, “ what is it about pin yen that you do not like?”

I like that question. He got me thinking . Do I like myself? Did I subconsciously not like myself? What about ?

When HuaiHao asked me Thye same question I asked him back why he thinks I do not like myself. And the little wise one said, “ because you like qin cai qin cai ( meaning : careless about yourself)”

Like when I served them dinner and I would plate it nicely for them but for myself I would make do.

I always did. I always put myself last and my family infront.

And it was apparent to the little one that I did not take care of myself . To think he saw

I thought back again if I did not like myself in some ways

And yes- the times I liked myself were too little. Lesser than the parts I did not like. I was wanting perfection. I did not like parts of me that were not perfect not beautiful. I always wanted to “heal” them dissolve them. Like where the keloids are and these were kind of connected to painful times – maybe I haven’t really appreciated them for what they are . And- so much time has passed.

And I don’t seem to have integrated these experiences. Would the time be now?

And Qinzhi is reminding me that I m skirting the issue — with her dizziness .

A few days ago Qinzhi had another bout of dizzy frenzy and while I was worried and landed myself in fear, I took the chance to pause that moment and tuned in. I asked Qinzhi why she didn’t want to go to school and she said she needed time to do her work, she wanted to stay at home and be with me, and she was dizzy because she felt stressed

She knew it

And while I shared with her how she could bravely face it in her stride and be open to it all, I m once again reminded that I could also apply that wisdom to myself. Instead of trying to control and manipulate, did I stay open?

Her mode was to run into dizziness and how is that different from me?

At bedtime I told HuaiHao about this and the little one said, “you have to know that this is how everyone ‘s body reacts differently. Like papa goes in to his cave, I cry. Everyone does it differently. “

I asked him if he has any suggestions for Qinzhi on how to improve and he says , breathe.

And I get it. I get that if i want to be convincing and for my words to carry strength , I have to be that. Be open

That’s where the magic is

To open up to the present.

Teacher was sharing with me how he loved going back into nature and the moment he saw a bud blossomed. When he said this, I felt myself in the woods with him, I was also observing the opening up of the bus. It was so beautiful I teared and warmed up.

In that moment my heart center opened up and that was extremely beautiful and divine. Humbling.

That feeling was a great teaching in itself. So many lessons were learned , most of all what it feels like to be open.

In that a precious connection , first to teacher and to the opening blossom. And the world around.

And what is it I can do with my experiences?

Of late it’s been- a movie. To talk about it. Perhaps one way to get on with it, get through it is to talk about it, use it in whatever way beneficial to myself and others.

I can. I know I can.

Coming from Love

Coming from Love

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“You know you can move energy with messages.

The most powerful messages you can create come from your heart.

A Message created with love, excitement and passion, will work many times better than simple just wishing;

Once you feel deeply in your heart…

“This is exactly what I want. I am 100% sure from head to toe. This is it! And I trust this message is going to work for me”.

When you do this you connect your message automatically to the source, to the divine energy. And you put your heart at peace.

Energy will move my friend.

Energy healing is message healing, information healing, and signal healing.

Everybody has an energy field that radiates from them, and others can pick up on this energy.

For example, If a person comes from a place of fear, then messages of fear will be sent in their energy field.

If someone has no love in their heart they will not be able to heal effectively.

Love, kindness, and forgiveness all work together to increase a person’s spiritual energy and healing energy, which is why…

Having a foundation of Love, Kindness, and Forgiveness is so crucial when it comes to healing ourselves and healing others.

Many Blessings,
Chunyi Lin”

What is my rock when is my rock?

What is my rock when is my rock?

by yellownblac ♥ 1 Comment

I told bf that the last two months has been a time of reinvention

For want of a better word

The process was all about breaking apart and then scrambling to find the pieces – of myself back

I was trying to feel for everything

For everything felt like kind of the same. Nothing could excite me. I didn’t know about my likes and dislikes. Didn’t know what why when where how

And my body was imitating this state

Yesterday at bedtime I was asking HuaiHao what is the heavy weight at my heart center? And he went:” you don’t know how to express yourself. Like you are not made of plastic, you are made of metal , just be yourself and don’t follow the herd”

I didn’t really know what he meant

Today after so long I went back to walking and seeing this kind of made me get it

When everything fell apart, I was trying to grab bf to hold on to something to anchor

But in a way or another, he appeared to be leaving me to my own

And I kind of find myself crushed even more knowing that he has/had been my rock and I m me and myself now

What is my rock when is my rock?

I was devastated

I was frantically searching for something to anchor on

And I think that rock would be the divine. And anything belonging to that

Searching for the divine feeling for the divine and connecting with the divine

And I saw Rumi , “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop”

And after searching outside for so long looking for something else, I kind of found the divine in myself

And that day I went to remove my wisdom tooth because it went all shaky. When the tooth was extracted, I felt a miraculous sense of release. It was as if something deep was lifted out of me

Came back tired and napped and woke up to a rainbow

What a journey it has been looking for light ?

Beautiful Practice To Start A New Day

Beautiful Practice To Start A New Day

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Intent Influences Outcome

At the very beginning of each day or each meditation, you tell the universe what you want.

Focus on your life, your goals and life purpose, telling your body what you want, and have a beautiful image of yourself and what kind of life you want to live. Then you can send a message to the universe.

What kind of image do you see of the world you want to live in?

What is your purpose? What do you want to accomplish?

What is your intention?

Make your purpose clear.

Submit your message in the light while meditating

Feel the essence of your message

Let go of any fears and doubts

After that, you solely focus on the moment.

Feeling how good you feel.

Feeling the tingling sensations in your hands, in your body, seeing light in your body, and focus on that!

Once you put yourself in the ‘Oneness’ you trust the energy and trust the messages you receive. Trust the intelligence within you.

Too much analytical thinking may stop your inner wisdom from surfacing

In the quietness you breathe slowly, gently, and deeply. You help yourself to wake up the intelligence in the body.

You receive these messages to help you fix the wrong information in the body.

It is a process of cleansing, so a lot of people cry and they feel peaceful at the same time; they feel lots of emotional experiences, again, just let it be and allow it to happen. It is a process of detoxifying. When you open all this old information and messages get cleared out, health is going to restore back your life.

This is why having a purpose when practicing Spring Forest Qigong is important, regardless what your purpose is; for healing or for relationship, or for higher vibration. When you have a purpose, the Qi, is automatically directed to support your purpose.

Many Blessings,
Chunyi Lin

Can we? Just Be

Can we? Just Be

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Even if I knew how to spell relax, I only got a hint of what it really meant or felt like recently.

I didn’t know how to (do) relax

Helena has been coming to do healing for me. Each time before she starts she does the pendulum check on my energy centers

The first time she did, my crown and third eye area showed no movement. The pendulum stood still – even if there was wind in the room

After the session though, the pendulum showed wild swings

But this effect would not last as the time before the next session, I would go back to my own old ways of thinking , falling backwards

Healing is a process . You go a few steps forward and backwards forwards and backwards

I asked Helena what she actually did

She said it’s actually just setting the intentions for me to receive divine light and guidance and that most importantly I relaxed

I thought about relaxing and relaxation

Each time, soon after she started, I would really just fall, fall into sleep

There was a let off let go hands off mind off because I trust her

The doing was release, detach

There was no holding on

Just surrender – not even

Allow

Be

In relaxation, there is no doing. Just being just flowing. And seeing where the flow brings (to) you

The feeling is like becoming empty again and you become a conduit for the flow

And letting the divine do the work

Interestingly a few times after the session , I got calls regarding work

And I asked Helena how do I keep the wonderful effects after each session of balancing

And her words were that daily maintenance is absolutely necessary- daily meditation

And this post came about because I was in my daily meditation and was checking in on myself- was I relaxing into meditation?

How to get into that state of relaxation

How to tap into that power of relaxation?

When I was walking, I asked myself to just be. I used to ask the sun for healing for inspiration for light for energy

Just BE

There is nothing else to do but anything else is but ego

And now I ask if there is a need for this, to dictate and enforce my thoughts on something natural

When I shower, is there a need eto intend for a cleansing or is it enough to just be in it?

How cool is this learning?!

Can we- just BE?

Tired

Tired

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I get tired so easily I wonder why

And when I get tired, there’s no way for me to hide. A nap helps me get into balance, but after a while, tired and fatigue set in.

I was asking myself why.

I was asking my body, what are you trying to tell me? Is my health not in good order? 

Not really.

Then?

I questioned when people got tired.

For example when you do sports. After that you might get tired. When you push and work hard for exams. After that you get tired.

I thought of the times I felt so tired.

There was a period in my life that I drag myself to work after mom passed on. I was so tired.  And all the times after I felt tired.

It came to my understanding that I am tired of what was in life at that phase.

I m tired of what I m doing now.

I asked Huaihao too.

And he said, it’s like when you get too much and little of something. It’s like you are bored.

He said that I look tired today and there’s not a lot of life in me . I asked him when was the last time he saw zest in me. He said when i had a job, there was so much life in me then.

I recalled how i moved in the time i was at michelin, everything happens in a snap and the word is energy and vitality.

I asked him what I could do to find that life and zest back to me. “Get some fun” he said. 

Wow.

Anyhow, I think it’s kind of the perfect time now is for me to come to this understanding.  

I used to read about how one could be out of sync. I guess that is me now.

After so long, I finally understand what the message tired is passing to me.

But equally, i am kind of satisfied that I finally found this out. According to Louise Hay, “Fatigue: Resistance, boredom. Lack of love for what one does.”

Running/ Walking (xvii)

Running/ Walking (xvii)

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Qinzhi woke me up from the (prolonged?) slumber I had been in.

I motivated her to get up to run/walk with us. She woke up late as usual but I convinced her to do the walk slowly.

When we headed to the park, she was all the way behind us.

I asked the daddy to slow down and be with her while I ran. I didn’t want to leave her alone

But the daddy kind of asked where she is and threw a fit.

“If Qinzhi is going to walk like that don’t force her. Let’s just head back.“

He went all the way and Qinzhi obviously was shocked at this sudden onward of lecture

Frozen she stood where she was and took it all

I did kind of the same- with a few worthless- stop it .

Afterwards she walked kind of directionless lifelessly

Yet this all made sense to me. Because Qinzhi is mirroring who else but me.

She was reflecting back to me how I was walking living

So while I coaxed her motivated her coached her, I can’t help but feel like this is for me

Life IS happening for me, showing to me, talking to me.

And I m glad I heard .

Running / Walking (xvi)

Running / Walking (xvi)

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Ron gave me the St Benedict medal. Sasha asked khenpo dorje to do a divination and the reply was that “u hv a astral flotsam attached. Not too serious but definitely disembodying. U ll be fine!💐🌺🌸💐🌺🌸”

And Sasha’s advice was

“Yes these entity-things can try to drain yr energy & shape-shift around u … so u r probably feeling what its feeling! They r like giant mosquitoes that inject their own emotions & drain yr energy. The practice is to Be Yourself as much as u can.Really they can be easily removed”

The practice is to be yourself

Well I was searching for myself – and for that matter , searching really hard of late. And this learning had to come to really drive me down to getting every wee bit of mySELF out

I used to be a really sensitive child

My nanny would say, if people wanted to share red eggs celebrating a baby’s full month of being, and they showed the eggs in my face I would cry non stop or get a fever

I recall having lots of talisman burned waters in my childhood

That day when I shared this with Helena, she said, “ maybe this is the real you but out of fear you blocked it- and blocked everything out. But maybe you could use this in a way to help yourself and others. Learn to shield yourself and take only what you need. Practice !”

She asked me，” actually what are you afraid of ?”

Now as I try make sense of it – The feeling is almost as if fear is part of me. I have grown so accustomed to it it constitutes my identity

But really – what is TPY like without fear? Who can she be?

I told Sasha I must be at a low and she agreed because “that ll be when they attach Positivity has a kind of natural buoyant energetic protection.Low thins out the energy …”

I know.

And I learned a lot about myself from this episode

The message that came through in the run was “ you asked for expanded consciousness didn’t you?”

Yes I did and this is one instance where my consciousness is expanded and can feel a bigger spectrum

But like Helena said, be conscious and learn to shield yourself from anything that affects you

Like Sasha said, “ be yourself”

As a child, I was always carrying a lot of fear, I was afraid of the dark and mysterious . I always had my imagination wild and created more fear because of that- estranging myself further from reality

Carried by fear carried in fear, I lost myself.

Totally lost it.

Ula said,” i guess you need love to you & your family..bcz i think you had lose some feel of love”

I asked for the reason of my existence and 2 days before we went to the beach in the evening

I was happied out. I haven’t felt that simple joy outwards from the heart in a long time

Seeing how the kids had fun and played with water with bf, I got my answer.

These folks in front of me are my reason. I thanked the universe for hearing me and replying back to me

And today after my run, I saw bf bathed in the sun walking towards me

He is my reason – that boy who loved me loves me knows me through and through and anchors me

And interestingly this time, with the knowing of the divination, I kind of felt quite at peace

I told myself to create a lot of space – when the space becomes really big, anything in that is dwarfed in smallness

And I drew notes from my learnings from Tibetan Buddhism practice- awareness. Just be aware

Sometimes I felt so sad and HuaiHao asked me, why are so so sad? I don’t have an explanation for him

Sasha said I could be feeling not me

And I was actually chanting a lot and dedicating the merits outwards feeling a lot of compassion for other beings and being grateful that I m in a position to chant and dedicate

I know that I did not do anything wrong and so I will be safe and protected

Most of all each time I trust the divine and protection is with me, I get goose bumps

In all of this practice, patience and openness is helpful. I recall all the Angel numbers that I kept seeing: 11:11 444 12:12 and the like , apparently it is a sign that I m travelling on the right path

Even at my level when things felt so out of place I kept seeing these

I suck out the very essence of light in me to venture forward. I trust that I can heal myself I trust and have faith in my own light

And I m most thankful I have so many supportive circles around me and most of all, I have Guru Rinpoche and all these wonderful mantras to anchor on

And, and -the sun was brilliant today. Sharing it with you.

Running/Walking (xv)

Running/Walking (xv)

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Running today has been very special

It felt like there was some force or energy at my trunk or core —— driving the run

I felt very awaken. The run was kind of easy.

It made me sit up and listen to it , observe it. And whenever my mind drifted, I went back to it.

Is it the qi?

Or the soul?

My very being or beingness? What is it?

Whatever it is, it showed me something else was there for me in my life and I had all along been oblivious to its presence

That was there very driving force of my life. When I was strong and when I was weak. It’s always been there.

I finally saw it. I love you, thank you. Please- forgive me. I am sorry.

And there are actually so many things or resources that are around us , in and with us that we do not see.

What was the thing I did to see it?

I did reiki on myself yesterday before I slept and this morning when I rose.

There were lots of jerks twitches and movements that came out of the body on its own

While I had been worried seeing as the body’s release of uptightness stress, today I saw it as energy moving in and out of the body

At least there is some exchange and I know some changes are in place

There is some flow

There was also a lot of fear in my heart area

Pretty strong and intense. While I used to have so much fear over this fear and succumbed to it, this morning I looked it it gave it space acknowledging its presence

I told my self to create space for it

Keep giving light to it

Be compassionate to this feeling.

Was talking to HuaiHao yesterday and he said I looked sad. He asked me why? I said maybe I lost myself and is directionless. And I beat myself up for that.

To which he said, “ that’s sad, then don’t beat yourself up!”

If we can be less judgemental not just on ourselves but to life, noting that Everything can , be. I think life would be a bliss and a breeze

This was pretty much inspired by a post I saw yesterday on IG

Heaven earth or hell, it all came within. In the first place we allowed it because a certain part of us got curious about a certain element of it .

But we so very often lose our grip. It is so because our own negativities, insecurities, doubts, fears, regrets, pain come to play.

We lose our footing as we get embroiled in it all. And tumble. This was what happened to me.

And at this point we do need people – our best guardian friends, our angels or a greater source of energy like the creator or god or buddhas you subscribe to — for that matter they all represent light they are light- to light up the pathway for us and to give us the added support energy strength blessings protection and healing to bring us back

And it’s also the mind. The super creative at work, creating all the good the bad and everything in between.

The mind is wavering in the wind and the practice is to anchor it on light or a mantra. And I am reminded of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s teachings. That everything is emptiness.

And I have to thank all buddhas and guardian angels who have been with me- all this while. For loving me.

I remember asking John why certain things work, and he says , “just know it does. It works like how nature works. So why does nature work? So go and learn about nature and your connection with it”

There’s a greater wisdom out there

That we could surrender or subscribe to. It actually does all the work

Like how it is in today’s run. How the sun rises everyday . How me and you were born.