Tag: transformation

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The sun was peeping out on my way to the beach

And there was this overflight that went from the sea to land

And I wondered once more, if the earth was round

An email from Chloe made my day this morning as I headed for my run

Chloe said she loved the piece on Alain Passard

And that made me feel like- the past is/has not passed

One day when I was running I had the idea to connect to her. She put me on an AF press trip to Paris many years back and I thought I could get to her to pitch a story on Cedric Grolet to her

But after so many years, she’s moved to other roles. Yet she wrote back to me and helped me connect to the right person

Not just that she said she put in a good word for me and that she loved the Passard piece I did

And it brought to mind- the significance of the law of cause and effect once more

I guess I seeded a good cause somewhat somehow sometime back

And the seed is now germinating

It took a while, but the right conditions must be there to help the seed grow

So this current condition – is needed. And anything less couldn’t have helped it the way it did

How much learning is that ? It’s a volume words can not yet- describe

It made think what seeds I am planting now and what/how to do so that I can experience a harvest and a bloom that is supportive of my growth

What did I want with this practice today!?

I asked and the answer and the intention was- to move ahead.

I did my simple qigong practice with this view in front of me, with the warm breeze from the sea

And instead of releasing any energies that are discordant, I got the idea that I want to fetch out my innermost voices values and who I am or what I really stand for – outwards

And not live someone else’s life

Going deeper with the practice, I saw the idea being truthful

Somehow the India trip many years back popped up. It was a trip that was wonderful and so inspiring on the senses , opening them up in a way that I could never have imagined- so much that when I came back to Singapore I literally felt that there was an atmosphere surrounding the country that I couldn’t pierce through

I couldn’t come back

The same with ishinomaki. The trip shook me as a person and brought up lots of things in my own journey

The idea of honesty popped up. If there was a time when I couldn’t fetch something out of someone , it would be because I have not done it with myself enough

Truthfully enough

Because life is an echo. What you send out you get back

As with all relationships, intentions matter.

As I ran , people and experiences popped up. And it came to my understanding that these are things and people that have stayed on – when they should have left

Nevertheless, I am happy they turned up at this point so I said my thanks for having them show up in my life, letting me experience and explore the spectrum of events experiences and emotions with them and -forgiveness , and tuning my head back I saw them all behind me, getting smaller behind me as I ran forwards.

I kind of saw a line of chord I was attached to the past, split and that only helped me in my surge forward. It’s a beautiful practice. And I am grateful.

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I spoke to HuaiHao this morning. I asked him if I was more mad at papa this time and he said, “of course what do you think. Isn’t it obvious?”

And then this one reminded me, “but now, you are going back there now mommy.”

He is so quick so sharp so divine.

And so I came back running.

Of late I have been thinking of how to transform. How to use the energy we have.

Since energy cannot be created nor destroyed , the way to use it is to transform it. To spin it into a different something

I’m glad I have writing this blog this gift and ease of expression it certainly helped me when I needed

And now, running

So the practice today is to learn how to use this energy I have

I use it power the run throughout

And whenever I felt I needed to speed up, I asked myself if this slightly less than pleasant energy/sensation is still there

And I would use it to power the run

Repeating it.

Feeling it. Using it. Learning to work with it and work my way through it

Then it came to my knowledge once again that these few years have been a most precious time albeit sometimes somewhat difficult- because I really had the space and time to go inwards and to ask myself lots of questions lots of thinking through figuring out lots of sieving through and realignment and repositioning

It’s a very precious journey and tough- anything that concerns the self the soul the authentic is not so easy

But I must say it is worth every second of your investment

I saw that I am fond of find foods and I have given it away. I saw that I should have said that F but all I did was swallow it. And more more.

I love this. This opportunity. I needed this. To be a most spectacular me

And I know- I deserve. I am worthy. And so are you.

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I saw myself before the run.

And then I set the intention- to come back to center to a place of balance. And soon I was running and visualizing the ball of sun this morning at the root chakra

Today I just did that throughout the run

And amazingly this came out of it

I visualized the keloid – the patch of it dropping away. Revealing and exposing the tender skin beneath

That’s me!

So all along I have been putting on a pretense ? Or at least, living life not being me and under a mask?

I have been hiding haven’t I? I was being someone who isn’t me in big and little ways. I allowed that and it hen I judge myself.

The ways I have not held on to me flashed by. Saying yes when I should have said no. Not acknowledging my needs. Giving another the opportunity to lord over me. Suppressing my feelings….

And who is me?

The idea of deserving came along. Being worthy- just because.

Teacher Stephan also asked and reminded me- who is the most precious?

I asked the divine to show her to me and to guide me to finding her.

I want to brave enough to be me.

Inspirations From A Run (X)

Inspirations From A Run (X)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The idea came this morning- that I am not in harmony with myself. And that is the root cause of why my relationships reflect this.

In this morning’s run, I asked to know the reason.

And I found it so difficult to run today.

I literally felt a block of something heavy and dense that I could not move in front of my chest.

And so I ran with it.

With curiosity- to see what was there. What is packed in there?

What is stopping me in my path I asked?

Was I blaming myself for causing hurt to my precious ones ? and I only to put in place something to stop me thinking that I could redeem myself with that guilt?

Thinking that if I stopped myself and clipped my wings all would be well?

The block got heavier in front of me as I ran

And I instinctively asked the sun for help

I can’t do it by myself. I asked for help I asked for light I asked my body to absorb all the light there is to renew refresh repair to heal to rejuvenate

And I continue to run with that all the way

I kind of heard myself say- “my dear you have really high expectations of yourself and people around you. And probably that’s why you (thought you) fail. But really it’s not your failure. You were way too advanced and too fast for the crowd. And you speak a language that is real and true but ironically it may not be what people want .

You want perfection to a fault. Stop being so hard on yourself- and others”

I asked myself how I can come to terms and adjust myself

When people say you can’t change the way but you can change yourself, the real meaning is because the outside is but a reflection of one’s inner world

And the judgements I point and place on them is exactly pointing back at myself

So if I hate it and complain that my husband is not loving me enough or in the way I want it- it is because I did not love myself enough or in the way I want it

I asked myself what I can adjust

Is it to let go of my dreams my standards my strive to be at the top?

No! Not ever

But maybe the best way out is to have the standards but giving also space for some element of synchronicity and creativity from others?

For so long I have been trying to figure out how to do this

How to mind this gap.

Can this be it?

I asked myself how else I can love myself? I think it’s to be me. No one else but me. U apologetically me.

I thank the blockage for being there, for letting me know there is something else I need to work on

And I asked for light and love to resolve and melt this away. Forgive.

And I move lovingly freely joyfully ahead. With lots of divine guidance and love.

What a run!

Inspirations From A Run (XIV)

Inspirations From A Run (XIV)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The best direction- facing the sun and to bathe in its glow

Got back to running after the bout of runny nose and cough

And it’s not as tough. When it got a bit draggy, I pulled my mind back.

Remembering the law of cause and effect which governs everything in the universe, I thanked myself for planting a seed of which would blossom in the future

And the name of the seed would be healthfulness and vitality

Then I started to thank my body for working with me running with me and giving me this opportunity to practice

And somehow the idea came along that I deserve.

Indeed I deserve.

I deserve nothing but the best in life, the best kind of love (and the thought immediately arise- that I actually have), the best kind of remuneration package, the best people, opportunities, stories which I would write,…

And it got to the point of realizing that while I have been searching and working on a best story I would be willing to account for and be proud of putting my name to. While I have been doing that all this while

The most important story and the best one would be writing one about/for myself, and that is in the works everyday. Always evolving. Seeing this brought me to see Mr Ng once more. He was the one who put this question to me- what about your story? You should be in front of the camera.

And what are the themes of the chapters I have been writing about ?

Do I want to write chapters that I have written? Storylines that have seen light?

The answer is pretty obvious.

No one is stopping me or can do that. Other than myself.

At a certain point in time, I must have instilled an act of judging and thinking that I am undeserving

And it goes that the person to untie this resolve this is myself.

The person to kickstart anything and everything is myself

And the work to do – is really to cherish and hold myself dear.

And my legs picked up speed.

I saw a flight take off.

It’s time.

Thankful and grateful for the practice and inspiration this morning.

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The intention was to find the answers I need to help me move forward.

Ever since I came back from my trip, I find my body slowing down, sometimes I felt like my coordination was up in slips

This gave me worries and fears. Anxiety built up and I went – as usual to search for answers.

Was it stress? What was I really worried about? What bothered me?

So I set this intention for the run today

And I heard these flost into my awareness

– Run deliberately. Breathe deliberately. Go about your life’s littlest things deliberately.

– You created all this, all these extra things with some form of discontent with the present, that present you have had. You wanted something else other than that,

Let’s just say you didn’t really put yourself in the now

My way of tackling an issue is asking why but that did not work for me. It always brought me into a whirlwind of unsettled emotions which confused and thwarted my balance. So I asked. And the answer came.

– what is the best thing you can do in this moment? Or this next moment ? What is the step you can work on. Just do that.

–release. I realize all worries fears doubts self criticism and judgments I have in my system ever since the beginning of time and

– the mind body connection is very real. I hesitated about my way forward and my body merely showed that to me because it was not apparent to me

– what was it that really bothered you? What was stopping you? I asked. Worries (again?) about the kids? My abilities? Actually- no.

It was not knowing exactly what or how I want to live my life.

The last few episodes of The King Land echoed to me.

Won’s mother came to his father and asked of him to let the child live as he wants. To live the life he wants. She said that when she erroneously left Won as a child, she thought that would be the way to protect him, but in that decision she gave up the opportunity to live the life she wanted

She asked Won’s father , “ and did you live the life you want?”

In the final episode, Sarang decides to leave the King Hotel in which she was a top performer. She breaks the news to Won on the same occasion he wants to propose to her. And he keeps the ring back knowing that to love is to allow, to let the other’s dream take priority before yours.

He only asks of her, “ promise that on this journey when you find it tough alone, call me and I will run over”

When Sarang was in confusion trying to decide, she confided in her grandmother

“I’m wondering if the work I do at the hotel is what I really want to do? This isn’t what I dreamed of. I know I should be thankful instead of complaining.“

“My baby has finally learned to grumble and whine. No matter how well known a restaurant is, it’s no use if it’s not to your liking. Who cares about the hotel? you only live once. You should do what you want to do. Don’t mind other people. And don’t hesitate either. Do everything you want to. If it isn’t the way you can take a detour. If you fall off a cliff you can climb back up again. You will be fine. I’m here for you so do whatever you want to do.”

her grandmother put things into perspective for her, “”

And the question that is begging: what IS the life I want? Did I live life the way I want?

I think the last few years had me searching—- I was asking a lot on the inside and that translated to exploring on the front outside. I picked up things here and there and tried things that echoed to me

But they are not exactly mine. Perhaps at most, I rubbed of them a little. I was inspired. I tried to emulate and embrace. But they didn’t last because it’s not me and I would always feel bad about not persevering.

And so, at this point in time, I am asked to find my way. To start living. To be me.

Knowing what you truly want- that is the highest position.

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Still fascinated or having questions about the now.

So the practice follows the intention yesterday- to bring me to the now

And I was asking myself the question- what is in the now?

As I ran, the answers came.

Inspirations for my work. Questions I could ask newsmakers. Stories I could pitch. Things I can cook for lunch.

My mind was running everywhere in the now.

Then the wind came along. I used it to shower my body with the freshness it brought.

I asked it to cleanse me if the excessive energies and anything that no longer supports me.

I felt good with/ in the wind and that brought about feelings of gratitude. I thank my body for running with me, the divine for the opportunity and myself for showing up.

Running in the cool wind made me happy! Now brought me joy- if I am aware.

When I a bit lazy, I used the now to set the intention to plant this seed of healthfulness for my future.

And it appears to me- now is everything and anything. It’s emptiness but fullness or wholeness as well.

It’s where things are created and the future is paved.

Thank you for the practice opportunity!

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.

And it did

NOW.

Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.

Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.

And I asked myself why.

Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved

I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.

And the wind came.

I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.

I asked it to help me be in the now.

When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss

Where is now?

But it’s here. Right here.

See You In My 19th Life

See You In My 19th Life

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

https://www.netflix.com/th-en/title/81671426

Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House

The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life

The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life

That was what the kpop drama is about

Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes

Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves

When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha

But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together

Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life

By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit

She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her

Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back

When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.

It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up

It was herself who cursed herself

“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”

And who brought herself into existence over and over again

Wow

Wow

Wow

And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”

The drama used an analogy this way.

Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her

He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness

And delivers the message that –

If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to

If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate

Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget

She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”

In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her

Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime

She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her

Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand

And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels

Ji Eum says she is happy

A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything

And four words- All is good now

And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won

Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back

Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone

I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out

If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now

Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara

So much pain misery and suffering

But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget

And rather hangs on in pain

The drama shows that there is a way out

And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate

Life is lighter and simpler

And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing

That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time

To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom

It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else

I look at myself in inspection

I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it

Thinking that this is the way out

But it is so wrong

Making peace with oneself is not like that

Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom

I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another

May all beings be well and happy.

I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife

I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad

And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “

Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole

My perspective led me to the reality of a pain

Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too

Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up

And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?

I tried to say “All is good now”

Yes all is good now

And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling

Oh And let’s just say the ost is so very nice too

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mctjoaC68h0

Inspirations from a Run (X)

Inspirations from a Run (X)

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What if everything I believed was not ?

I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?

The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.

In simpler terms, I did not accept

That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.

If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.

There was a little spark I saw seeing this.

But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?

What if I had chosen another concept another idea?

What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?

What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?

The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.

To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.

To see the dream.

Leave the dream- wake up.