31 December is always special.

Why?

Because the end is where the beginning is.

I couldn’t write this until today—I wonder why. I feel like I couldn’t feel anything, or maybe I didn’t allow myself to. Or maybe I shy away from being honest with myself.

No SO many people say 2020 was extraordinary and painful. Maybe because I have left the workforce, I have been protected from seeing the harsh reality being with kids everyday at home and concentrating on the things I do daily—lying on the bed with the morning sun shining in and doing self-reiki, having a good shower after an infra red sauna, walking the kids to school, taking time by myself, breathing. Journaling, listening to the subtleties of my senses fetching out the littlest thoughts from my cells.

I truly attended and listened to my body and my soul.

Not that it was always so peaceful.

We had so many fights in my marriage , I tried so hard to make things work and to communicate. Qinzhi and Huaihao fought too. And Huaihao and Dad fought, and Qinzhi and Dad fought. Later on, Huaihao and me, we fought.

Looking back I wonder if the cosmic forces in planetary motion had a hand in this.

But through it all, we learned the hard way and figured out a way to sort—sort ourselves first as adults , then sort out the kids and us all.

But 2020 was extraordinary for me in a good way, in fact 2020 had been good to me. And I am grateful for the 2020 I have.

Even if I didn’t step out of Singapore.

I took time with myself and walked. I explored new ways and so many wonderful ingredients in cooking, I had the chance to eat the way I want—-going vegan. I learned more about healing and essential oils. I learned to heal the cyst and keloids. I took time with the kids and cooked and baked and made ice cream with them. We played games and laughed. We quarrelled, fought and made up. We had lots of good food. We sold off Redhill and bought a new flat. We had the experience of moving that until now Qinzhi remembers we packed off with 38boxes. We made a home at Marine Crescent and live close to Dad and Mei and Boy. The cyst reduced in size. I picked up jogging and walked from East Coast to MBS or to the airport. I got in touch with so many healers and mystics near and far, and learnt lots. Even if Mr Ng has left, I sent him a message and connected with him, I always remembered what he said—that no matter where he is, he would always be rooting for me. There’s Stephan and Heidi who reiki-ed me from afar, I learnt about channeling and saw wonderful youtube videos on people who channeled. I had the chance to experience the conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter and to hear about the evolution we are all on the path to. I learnt to speak out the truth of what I felt at heart. I learnt to acknowledge myself. I learnt about managing relationships. I came out of my comfort zone and went back to work—albeit on a freelance basis, and explored new areas connected to my expertise but that which allowed me to learn and to learn to grasp and feel my way. I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t, but I had the chance to embark on sales on organic vegetables for restaurants. I volunteered for the F&B industry during COVID.  I set up own company after so long https://imustmindthegap.wixsite.com/website

There were people whom I had the chance to expose natural healing to, my dad, xiaogu and liushen, then n in December, I learnt to come face to face with friends, not exactly people I know but relatives of friends or acquaintances—-really just people I know who needed healing and their circumstances forced me to come out of my shadow and fears, gave me opportunities to share my story and my healing —something which I have been shy to or not too eager to talk about—–and to step up and to offer my healing hand to them. Then just before the new year came, hui called to say that after our FaceTime, Gor fell twice and had to be hospitalised.

There was so much learned whether said or not.

But the biggest lesson was that in life, we do not control. We learn to ride the flow and make the best out of what is in front of us, with an equitable calm harmonious heart.

2020 had been good to me. Giving me so many opportunities to venture onto new grounds and to put what I learnt to good use to help make people and situations better.  But more importantly, allowing me to go back to who I am, sharing with me possibilities and letting me see my dreams, there were lots of opportunities for me to use my intuition and my senses to feel my way around, and to speak the truest from my authentic self, to be who I am and stand up for what I stand for. To live the way I want.

I have my husband to thank for supporting my decision to quit and for shouldering the burden to support the family.

2020 has been in all ways a miracle and truly exceptional for me. There was magic in the everyday of life when I self reiki myself and experienced all the beautiful moments of energy work, experiencing my body in ways I have never had before. That amidst all the upswings and downs, I have maintained and come back to be myself.

I am thankful for all these wonderful opportunities that have come forth for me in 2020, I dare say with my hand to my heart, that I have tried to the best of my ability to step out of my shadows and fears, my mindsets , limitations and what I have been accustomed to—-to create a new pathway and experience for myself.

And what do I want or seek in the brand new 2021?

I saw the phrase —-The Great Leap and somehow it called out to me. And now looking at the company I set up, I know why.

I called my company If you Mind The Gap.

“What we call the gap refers to a fleeting moment of naked awareness, a split-second opening that introduces us to our original mind and provides a taste of freedom from confusion.” ~ Mingyur Rinpoche

Gaps are the most important things we can be mindful of we want to evolve, to do better than the last of what we were.

Like bardos in Tibetan Buddhism, if we are mindful of gaps, there is a chance we can use this gap to constructively transform and to break out of cycles we have unconsciously locked ourselves into.

Its about perspectives, transformation and a documentary about David Bohm that was inspiring to watch. Where people focussed on the stars, he saw the spaces in between.

And made such understanding of the gaps in the night sky he became one of the most significant theoretical physicists of the 20th century who contributed unorthodox ideas to quantum theory, neuropsychology and the philosophy of mind.

I think I have, with my effort, perceived gaps and used them to better myself and to break cycles, to step out of cycles. I made big and little leaps here and there. 

I (re)invented and invented myself.

With mindfulness. And the support of so many near and far, brilliant beautiful souls.

I could have turned out the other way, but with support from buddhism, guardian angels around me, I have managed to secure these big and little leaps in my life. And hopefully, I can encourage and motivate others to leap with these experiences I have.

And Qinzhi drew this on 1.1.2021

Who am I? What is my purpose? I will be regularly ask myself these questions and listen to the answers that arise.

More and more, I will listen to the guidance of my heart, my highest self and spirit

I will continue to apply and sharpen awareness and mindfulness in life by practicing.

I will sharpen my intuition and the in born gifts and use them more in my life, to help myself and others.

I will open myself up further- my body my heart my mind my potentials

I will connect at a deeper level with true communication with myself and my family

And with the universe

I will look for beauty and the miraculous in everyday life . Connect with the spirit through my senses and see everything as if for the first time . I will look for my inner power and unlimited potential . I will recognize that I have choices and choose consciously

I will gentle with myself, my body, my family and with life

I want to continue to learn about and discover the wonders of essential oils, and use my knowledge and wisdom to help myself and others.

I want to contribute and possibly start a movement on plant based eating, to let more and more people experience the magic of plant produce.

I want to connect with specialty producers who spent their energy and life nurturing artisanal produce, I want to experience their produce and to share it outwards. I want to be a collector of artisanal producers.

I will give more time to pause to listen to, to breathe into my body to soften and open or expand my body. I will send love to the different parts of my body from the feet up to my head

I will move my body consciously

I will eat less eat better eat with more consciousness and exercise more.

I want to give my body the rest it needs, sleep more and rest more.

I will heal the cyst and keloids using natural means and the healing will speed up.

I want to have a beautiful navel the way I was born with

I want to and will listen and attend to my body and my soul.

I want to and will embrace new ways of thinking, doing, more and more

I want to and will spend quality time with my children, husband, family and to connect deeply with them

I want to and will continue to jog and walk and be healthier and happier as Huaihao says

I want to have the opportunity to serve Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, Khadro La

I want to travel to fetch wonderful produce back for the betterment of myself and others

I want to practice for 5min everyday,  

I want to be even more gentle with myself and be deeply in touch with myself

I want to be a healthy happy shiny TPY

I want to build a brand for the work I do

I want to experience light, be a light upon myself and others

I want to build a home which will support me on all counts above, a home which truly reflects me and my passion and what I stand for in life.

2020 made a strong point about life and its possibilities, there is nothing that is impossible. All we need is to dare, to be creative and to do what really matters at heart.

Thank you 2020, you have been no less amazing and brilliant in teaching us.

Looking back at what I wrote on the opening of 2020:

“I pray as we welcome a new year and decade, that each day be filled with mindfulness, goodness, wonder, magic, positivity, healthfulness, vitality, vigour. May each day be filled with light and love to inspire us guide us heal us bless us protect us.

May we all intuitively creatively courageously broadmindedly adopt the new! New habits, attitudes, mindsets, pathways that will serve us best ! And in the process effortlessly transform and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.

I sincerely pray that we all be imbued with wisdom and light and release all energies, imprints pain and suffering that do not serve us. May we all receive healing at all levels of our existence.”

In the brand new 2021 ahead, let us mindfully breathe and experience the power of the breath. May we connect at a deeper level with our body and our soul. Through this, (re)discover our innate intuitive abilities, our dreams and the richness of our experiences. May we always find beauty, hope, warmth, openness, possibilities, inspiration, goodness, peace. May we use each and every opportunity to speak our truth and chart new territories with grace and wisdom. Let there be magical, healing experiences of light. I know that we will be always guided, protected, and blessed. And we’ll shine like never before. Happy 2021.