I have been asking myself the question: how do we heal shame and guilt?

And I saw some interesting notes, talk about synchronicity!

Can there be coincidence in life?

Look at the messages i picked up along the way? Too beautiful and , coincidental!

I am reminded of one of the messages the community shared on this point

Guilt and Shame associated with lower back, root and sacral region—>affects imunne system, health issues, autoimmune prob, allergies,

Guilt and Shame, happening in our mind, creating mentally, your own story, you are running it and watching it, if keep doing this it does not serve any purpose, just feeling himself or herself, habit of looping and imagining, paying back with guilt and shame and hitting yourself.

Causes diseases, doesnt connect you to present,

Duality, another version of you , at war with yourself

immune system starts to get worse, neurological issues, autoimmune coz at war with yourself.

Things that have happened already past, there’s only present,

cannot change past, but can change present, then change past and future

Power of present, change in the present, past and future will change

we can connect with ourselves to present

dont connect to past anymore

you have power to change, in present power to connect and conceive

Release for back, inhale, got to cellular receptors, change vibration of being, release what baggage you are holding

Transformation: apply front and back, dont like the way you think, inhale

Royal Blend: Rose, Ylang ylang, royal Hawaiian sandalwood, jasmine, works instantly, apply front and back

Present Time, inhale , apply front and back, forehead

Aren’t they all answers for me?

Today after the rain, we went out walking. Was chatting with bf on healing. I asked him about his sessions and he shared some bits here and there, such as being led to a scene of the past and feeling what the younger self of him felt , what he would tell the boy.

I tried it as I walked. Applying these to my own experiences and I went back to the day before dad left. We were asked to get into his bedroom and dad said he had to go,

I asked myself how I felt-in there.

Apprehensive , lots of fear, what about us? Are you abandoning us? Is there any future? Are you leaving mom to this? How can you leave us -this way? What kind of father are you to be doing this to us? Do we deserve this at all?

There’s also anger, frustration, hatred, helplessness at how things have come on. All these were not expressed by the girl that was me.

Instead I saw her, sitting there, not really daring to face up and not wanting to hear what’s next or to know what is going on?

I shut down.

And if I shut down then, can I blame my dad for choosing to shut down too? Those ways we went–they seem to be the very ways we can afford with what circumstances and wisdom we had.

Instead of saying all those things, I shut down. And I allowed and consented to dad’s decision.

I actually allowed it and consented. This was my understanding as I walked today. At that time, by not saying anything, I have actually made a decision, I consented to letting him go, and taking up responsibility for and the uncertain future come what may!

Wow, what a realisation.

Wow

My soul chose it this way, and shouldered and soldiered on in the later years. Why I asked? Was there something I needed to learn? I thought about the concept of soul contract, like how we chose the people we were to meet before we came into this very existence for a certain fulfilment. I am proud to say then then my job is done and I tear away this soul contract with the soul who is my dad.

I think with this i can start embracing a new relationship with him, all over again, picking up from where we left off and I see myself being brought to the sandy beach or playground by dad.

I was asking myself how to heal guilt and shame, and i thought of a few ways, besides using essential oils to support and release, offering light to the areas of the body harbouring these and breathing in to these points . I thought of also building a new relationship or simply just making new experiences and memories with my father.

And to the girl then what would I say?

“辛苦你了。谢谢你！”

It been hard on you . Thank you for doing all you have done.

I remember – Mr Ng said it to me too.

And I m so proud to have come to this point.

As I walked, birds begin to swirl around playing in/with the sky. I am always touched by this sight. They reminded me of the time i was in the maldives and a server at The Alila told me this as he served me ice cold water at the sun deck.

“What is your name,” he asked.

“Yen, it means big bird”

“I think if you do what you like, you will be like flying in the sky”

Its so beautiful and so wise, it says so much. And later on, I have always, whenever possible to go on to include birds in my video works–to thank myself once again, for doing something I like.

Interestingly, in my shower I silently worded one of the above I saw by koya webb: to invite people places experiences that will support or uplift me

In the afternoon, HuaiHao was going to raindrop me as usual but my bottle of 3 Wise Men fell and broke

The essential oil spilled on the floor and not wanting to waste it. I was desperately trying to use both hands to wipe the oil up and to apply them- and the next moment, the word anoint came into mind.

Rather than getting angry or feeling like the oil is wasted, I m a breathing walking 3 wise men now.

Maybe I needed 3 Wise Men

I look forward to my next walk.

One more sleep and we are moving out of Redhill.

Moving is an exercise of marie kondo——you are given the opportunity to decide what to bring along to the next phase of your life, what to let go.

First of all, I let my childhood presents go. The watch and belt I had since I was perhaps 5 or 6? The koala bear that Stanley brother brought for me when he went to Australia for his honeymoon, the tie I wore to Hwa Chong JC, the Mickey Mouse tin box mommy gifted me when she went on a Japan trip with Dad when I was in primary school?

I keep the McDonalds book bundle though , Qinzhi could use it. Is it 30 years old?

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I decided to let my holiday diaries and keepsakes go. The first time I did what my heart willed and went to Hokkaido, doing what I really want. The first time I travelled with bf, and all the other travels together to Aussie and etc. I let go of the Disney keepsake.

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I decided to let the perfume my husband then boyfriend bought for me go.

And the ribbon that was on the bouquet he gave me on our wedding day.

I decided to let my diaries go.

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I decided to let go of the drawings I made

I decided. Then all the MRI scan pictures.
I let go of lots of cookbooks that famous chefs signed for me. And a book I wrote.

I decided to let go of the house.

We finally let go of the house on 10.10.2020

The key is I decided

Lol. Why did I even hold on to them in the first place?

To hold on.

For fear of something someday that I may need.

Attachment.

Holding on to a past. Some identity. Some part of me.

Is it difficult to let these go?

Not really. I hear the old me almost reverting back to holding on. But being aware now,

———

This is actually a pause, a gap

A bardo.

That I m in, i m in the middle , between my past and my future , then and tomorrow.

I want to use the opportunity of this bardo, this pause this gap, to make it good. I must have told myself —- try something different. If I held on, how about opening my hands myself up and letting go?

I tried 😊

And it feels pretty good 😉

I don’t need them now. I want to be in the now. I kissed them packed them and imagine a fire consuming them as they dissolve into nothingness.

Amazingly I don’t have as much emotions as I thought I would have —- to leave this house.

Thank you! For sheltering me protecting me through all times , most of all for giving me the space to grow and develop to become me now. I remember all the me in all of those times, when we moved in, when Qinzhi and HuaiHao were little , when I was in fear, sadness, pain and desperation, when I pursued my dreams and soar, when I cooked , when I penned down my thoughts , did raindrop therapy for qinzhi etc

And I honour these all. They allowed me to stretch my malleability as a person as I went through all these experiences and emotions. Making me who I am now. Acknowledging and accepting these all, and the space, I pack all of these into bubbles and send all of them to the sun and to light.

Thank you and goodbye 😊

Loving this —- now I feel more ready than before to step up to now and tomorrow.

I thank the universe for this opportunity.

“Life is designed to provide your soul with the perfect tools, the perfect circumstances, the perfect conditions with which to realize and experience, announce and declare, fulfill and become Who You Really Are. “——- Neale Donald Walsch

Before I knew, it’s just a matter of a few more days before I move out of my flat.

That I day I texted teacher to let him know that the latest check done on the cyst looked good.

To which teacher says, “Although many people have supported you and you are in my prayer everyday, this is result of your incesante and continuous work of self analysis, questioning and acceptance of yourself and your history. Unpeeling one layer after the other and filling and surrounding yourself with love, light and the transforming life force.

How do I know? I follow silently your blogs.
Continue with your marvellous work and cyst will vanish completely.”

How does he know?

Teacher asked me how it’s been on my end and I said, “ 2020 went about so quickly we are into October already. Time seems to be speeding up as if it’s bent on moving us forward

Yet at the daily level it feels like life’s slowed down a little but details magnified for me. I didn’t do a lot on the work front but there’s still a lot of creativity popping out of me whenever I do, making me feel like I want to contribute more

I did more on the personal development front though

Everyday after the kids go to school, I have my own time doing a little reiki, meditation or watching k pop drama

I followed a lot more people who are down the spiritual growth path such as deepak chopra and the like and getting acquainted with what they preach , experimenting and seeing if the things they propose work

But the biggest discovery for myself this year through all these exposure is that we are capable of shaping our own reality

And often the creation happens in the moments we tend to let slip by

Relationship with my husband is still volatile. Seems like the unpleasant parts are more than the pleasant ones and there are many times I want to just let it go

But through it all —- although I still get lots of anger and unhappiness and dissatisfaction, I find myself gradually becoming more balanced , using these opportunities to look deeper into myself

I think I grew up pretty much through these

A few opportunities have come along for me to do more work

Might start a little agency of sorts to help small entities with marketing and content creation tying in my connections in a meaningful way

And if it happens, I want to call my agency “ Mind the Gap”

The gap might be what challenges people
But more and more, I see that the gap can be a creative space to make good

In Tibetan Buddhism , the bardo is where —- if we are mindful enough—- we observe and pause and catalyze a transformation

I have been putting this agency idea off even if many pple have asked me to start out on my own

I remember what I told Mr Ng，I told him that going forward I wanted to do things to offer my light, to offer warmth, hope, to inspire as I build my own brand. Slowly but surely it seems I m getting into the flow. The big picture is somewhat there. And I am approaching it.

But I m taking it slow and going with how I feel

Still feeling my way around as I m moving house on 10/10

Talking about this, i wanted to do a closure on our experiences as a family in this space. To honour it and to thank the space for protecting and sheltering us and to let it go

Are there any simple practices in reiki for this?”

Teacher probed, “Are you moving house?
Or do you just want to close a chapter?”

It got me thinking.

“Moving temporarily to be with my maternal family at marine crescent for half a year before we move again to my new flat at marine parade

It would be a closure of sorts right?
The opportunity came for us to move to a slightly bigger space – an upgrade fr 4 room to 5. The price is right and we sold it

It was afterwards that I realized the significance

I m given the chance to create and shape my future my reality.

What do I want? Where m I going? Who are the people I will meet? What will I be doing? Why am I doing these?

I feel excited! Like something bubbling in me!

It is because we needed it we sent out an echo and the universe responded

It also means we r ready somewhat and has passed a test somewhat as a family

It means to me that the existing space and all it carries —- our lifestyle habits attitudes mindsets we have applied on this space that have served us in this space

Is in need of an upgrade too
The old that has served us can no longer
I wanted to honour and give my thanks—- and I can move on

I also think I have spent (more than ) enough time living my past and allowing myself to feel like i have been victimised and at the passive end. When in fact I could have actively lived in the present, embracing the present rather than reliving the past and feeling sorry for myself gain and again. If anything, YES, you are right, I want to actively close that chapter, quite an important one I must say

U started off that chapter picking up pieces and putting things back in place for my family, on the surface to make everything look fine
Then I progressed to physical issues and emotional discomfort
Learning about the relationship between these two
Feeling angry and upset or feeling unjust and unfair——-pitying myself that I was the suffering one, the victim who has been affected when I didnt do anything wrong and had to pick up all the pieces
And then learning to work those emotions and feeling them in my body and learning to see that through it all, I actually had a role to play in the unfolding of events, I had a responsibility to bringing myself to where I am now, and that i made many choices without awareness and wisdom

Still if not for these, I wouldn’t have met wonderful people like yourself

And I honour my path and want to close that chapter, like a long holiday or a dream I gave to myself,
and move on.”

From seeing them as hurt to seeing them as gifts I can use to make a meaningful difference ——- with gratitude that the universe is keeping me in mind, blessed

What a journey!

“Wonderfully said dear PY. And so you should approach the clousre.

Give thanks to the apartment to have given you a home for all that time and experience. That you are start a new chapter in your life, and wont need anything from the past.

Then visualise the all the experinces and emotions in that apartment ( symbolically as an ‘All experiences conscious and unconscious’), pack and seal them in a silver bubble or as many as it takes. And send them all into the sun.

For those past experiences and thoughts to be permanently disolved for ever.”

Then I saw this

It seems like this pretty much sums up my journey

Learning to understand and accept that there is a greater wisdom out there and we are but expressions of his higher wisdom, grace and beauty. It’s a humbling experience and definitely transformative when you become from big or important and egoistic to small. Small is beautiful!

I can only be grateful and thankful for what I have been given and how the divine has worked on me though me with me.

I remember what Mr Ng said—— that only when we are ourselves and express our light we live our best versions of ourselves. Fetching that which is untinted by experience that un spoilt boundless free nature. We are light. The experiences have let me go through a process of peeling open or unraveling the outside layers and revealing my light.

Om ma ne pad me hung