I told bf that the last two months has been a time of reinvention
For want of a better word
The process was all about breaking apart and then scrambling to find the pieces – of myself back
I was trying to feel for everything
For everything felt like kind of the same. Nothing could excite me. I didn’t know about my likes and dislikes. Didn’t know what why when where how
And my body was imitating this state
Yesterday at bedtime I was asking HuaiHao what is the heavy weight at my heart center? And he went:” you don’t know how to express yourself. Like you are not made of plastic, you are made of metal , just be yourself and don’t follow the herd”
I didn’t really know what he meant
Today after so long I went back to walking and seeing this kind of made me get it
When everything fell apart, I was trying to grab bf to hold on to something to anchor
But in a way or another, he appeared to be leaving me to my own
And I kind of find myself crushed even more knowing that he has/had been my rock and I m me and myself now
What is my rock when is my rock?
I was devastated
I was frantically searching for something to anchor on
And I think that rock would be the divine. And anything belonging to that
Searching for the divine feeling for the divine and connecting with the divine
And I saw Rumi , “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop”
And after searching outside for so long looking for something else, I kind of found the divine in myself
And that day I went to remove my wisdom tooth because it went all shaky. When the tooth was extracted, I felt a miraculous sense of release. It was as if something deep was lifted out of me
Came back tired and napped and woke up to a rainbow
The energetic process of purpose is reaching for your inner life, your Soul life, and bringing it out to the world.
Purpose energy is just like yang energy. The energy of a life with purpose is energy going outward and upward.
Remember you do not need to know the form of your purpose. All that is really needed is your pure intent to create a higher purpose for good in all you do.
When you receive guidance from your Soul, it comes softly and gently and will often show you pictures and designs.
You will always feel a sense of peace when your Soul is giving you a message.
Even if you are in a crisis situation and the people all around you are very stressful and emotional, your Soul will direct you in a compelling and peaceful way.
And when I get tired, there’s no way for me to hide. A nap helps me get into balance, but after a while, tired and fatigue set in.
I was asking myself why.
I was asking my body, what are you trying to tell me? Is my health not in good order?
Not really.
Then?
I questioned when people got tired.
For example when you do sports. After that you might get tired. When you push and work hard for exams. After that you get tired.
I thought of the times I felt so tired.
There was a period in my life that I drag myself to work after mom passed on. I was so tired. And all the times after I felt tired.
It came to my understanding that I am tired of what was in life at that phase.
I m tired of what I m doing now.
I asked Huaihao too.
And he said, it’s like when you get too much and little of something. It’s like you are bored.
He said that I look tired today and there’s not a lot of life in me . I asked him when was the last time he saw zest in me. He said when i had a job, there was so much life in me then.
I recalled how i moved in the time i was at michelin, everything happens in a snap and the word is energy and vitality.
I asked him what I could do to find that life and zest back to me. “Get some fun” he said.
Wow.
Anyhow, I think it’s kind of the perfect time now is for me to come to this understanding.
I used to read about how one could be out of sync. I guess that is me now.
After so long, I finally understand what the message tired is passing to me.
But equally, i am kind of satisfied that I finally found this out. According to Louise Hay, “Fatigue: Resistance, boredom. Lack of love for what one does.”
I would like to challenge everyone to take a few moments every day for the next 30 DAYS, and find at least 10 things you are grateful for and express your appreciation for each of them.
You can express your appreciation to the sun for its life-giving light.
You can express your appreciation for the comfortable chair you like sitting in.
You can express your appreciation for the broken sidewalk outside your house because it reminds you to be careful when you walk.
You can express your gratitude for your house plant, for your pet, for the pen you write with, for your toothbrush, for anything or everything.
The key is to say so. Say it out loud or say it in your heart but say it again and again – “I appreciate you.” “I am so thankful for you.” “I bless you as you have blessed me.”
Writing them down is also good!
Try it and see what happens.
See how your love grows, how your happiness grows, how your life changes.
Everyone wants more gratitude, more appreciation, more blessings coming back to them.
Give it a Try!
Many Blessings, Chunyi Lin”
The sun showed up so bright and woke me up this morning. Asking me to do the same.
Ron gave me the St Benedict medal. Sasha asked khenpo dorje to do a divination and the reply was that “u hv a astral flotsam attached. Not too serious but definitely disembodying. U ll be fine!💐🌺🌸💐🌺🌸”
And Sasha’s advice was
“Yes these entity-things can try to drain yr energy & shape-shift around u … so u r probably feeling what its feeling! They r like giant mosquitoes that inject their own emotions & drain yr energy. The practice is to Be Yourself as much as u can.Really they can be easily removed”
The practice is to be yourself
Well I was searching for myself – and for that matter , searching really hard of late. And this learning had to come to really drive me down to getting every wee bit of mySELF out
I used to be a really sensitive child
My nanny would say, if people wanted to share red eggs celebrating a baby’s full month of being, and they showed the eggs in my face I would cry non stop or get a fever
I recall having lots of talisman burned waters in my childhood
That day when I shared this with Helena, she said, “ maybe this is the real you but out of fear you blocked it- and blocked everything out. But maybe you could use this in a way to help yourself and others. Learn to shield yourself and take only what you need. Practice !”
She asked me，” actually what are you afraid of ?”
Now as I try make sense of it – The feeling is almost as if fear is part of me. I have grown so accustomed to it it constitutes my identity
But really – what is TPY like without fear? Who can she be?
I told Sasha I must be at a low and she agreed because “that ll be when they attach Positivity has a kind of natural buoyant energetic protection.Low thins out the energy …”
I know.
And I learned a lot about myself from this episode
The message that came through in the run was “ you asked for expanded consciousness didn’t you?”
Yes I did and this is one instance where my consciousness is expanded and can feel a bigger spectrum
But like Helena said, be conscious and learn to shield yourself from anything that affects you
Like Sasha said, “ be yourself”
As a child, I was always carrying a lot of fear, I was afraid of the dark and mysterious . I always had my imagination wild and created more fear because of that- estranging myself further from reality
Carried by fear carried in fear, I lost myself.
Totally lost it.
Ula said,” i guess you need love to you & your family..bcz i think you had lose some feel of love”
I asked for the reason of my existence and 2 days before we went to the beach in the evening
I was happied out. I haven’t felt that simple joy outwards from the heart in a long time
Seeing how the kids had fun and played with water with bf, I got my answer.
These folks in front of me are my reason. I thanked the universe for hearing me and replying back to me
And today after my run, I saw bf bathed in the sun walking towards me
He is my reason – that boy who loved me loves me knows me through and through and anchors me
And interestingly this time, with the knowing of the divination, I kind of felt quite at peace
I told myself to create a lot of space – when the space becomes really big, anything in that is dwarfed in smallness
And I drew notes from my learnings from Tibetan Buddhism practice- awareness. Just be aware
Sometimes I felt so sad and HuaiHao asked me, why are so so sad? I don’t have an explanation for him
Sasha said I could be feeling not me
And I was actually chanting a lot and dedicating the merits outwards feeling a lot of compassion for other beings and being grateful that I m in a position to chant and dedicate
I know that I did not do anything wrong and so I will be safe and protected
Most of all each time I trust the divine and protection is with me, I get goose bumps
In all of this practice, patience and openness is helpful. I recall all the Angel numbers that I kept seeing: 11:11 444 12:12 and the like , apparently it is a sign that I m travelling on the right path
Even at my level when things felt so out of place I kept seeing these
I suck out the very essence of light in me to venture forward. I trust that I can heal myself I trust and have faith in my own light
And I m most thankful I have so many supportive circles around me and most of all, I have Guru Rinpoche and all these wonderful mantras to anchor on
And, and -the sun was brilliant today. Sharing it with you.
It felt like there was some force or energy at my trunk or core —— driving the run
I felt very awaken. The run was kind of easy.
It made me sit up and listen to it , observe it. And whenever my mind drifted, I went back to it.
Is it the qi?
Or the soul?
My very being or beingness? What is it?
Whatever it is, it showed me something else was there for me in my life and I had all along been oblivious to its presence
That was there very driving force of my life. When I was strong and when I was weak. It’s always been there.
I finally saw it. I love you, thank you. Please- forgive me. I am sorry.
And there are actually so many things or resources that are around us , in and with us that we do not see.
What was the thing I did to see it?
I did reiki on myself yesterday before I slept and this morning when I rose.
There were lots of jerks twitches and movements that came out of the body on its own
While I had been worried seeing as the body’s release of uptightness stress, today I saw it as energy moving in and out of the body
At least there is some exchange and I know some changes are in place
There is some flow
There was also a lot of fear in my heart area
Pretty strong and intense. While I used to have so much fear over this fear and succumbed to it, this morning I looked it it gave it space acknowledging its presence
I told my self to create space for it
Keep giving light to it
Be compassionate to this feeling.
Was talking to HuaiHao yesterday and he said I looked sad. He asked me why? I said maybe I lost myself and is directionless. And I beat myself up for that.
To which he said, “ that’s sad, then don’t beat yourself up!”
If we can be less judgemental not just on ourselves but to life, noting that Everything can , be. I think life would be a bliss and a breeze
This was pretty much inspired by a post I saw yesterday on IG
Heaven earth or hell, it all came within. In the first place we allowed it because a certain part of us got curious about a certain element of it .
But we so very often lose our grip. It is so because our own negativities, insecurities, doubts, fears, regrets, pain come to play.
We lose our footing as we get embroiled in it all. And tumble. This was what happened to me.
And at this point we do need people – our best guardian friends, our angels or a greater source of energy like the creator or god or buddhas you subscribe to — for that matter they all represent light they are light- to light up the pathway for us and to give us the added support energy strength blessings protection and healing to bring us back
And it’s also the mind. The super creative at work, creating all the good the bad and everything in between.
The mind is wavering in the wind and the practice is to anchor it on light or a mantra. And I am reminded of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s teachings. That everything is emptiness.
And I have to thank all buddhas and guardian angels who have been with me- all this while. For loving me.
I remember asking John why certain things work, and he says , “just know it does. It works like how nature works. So why does nature work? So go and learn about nature and your connection with it”
There’s a greater wisdom out there
That we could surrender or subscribe to. It actually does all the work
Like how it is in today’s run. How the sun rises everyday . How me and you were born.
Because I didn’t. So I got to discovering this. and a collection of thoughts below.
The Heart Went Wild
We were heading back from our walk and I was panting
Bf remarked if I was ok because we were just brisk walking
I said now even if I brisk walked, I was panting less than the days before when I was doing nothing but panting and frail and weak and fatigued
And he said, that is because your mind is lost and your heart doesn’t know what to do
Your mind went away and did not give instructions to the heart and the heart went wild too
Wow
And he hit the mail on the head. The heart went wild, went everywhere and nowhere.
I was LOST, big time
I got impatient trying to find something to do
I sent out resumes
And didn’t get replies
I tumbled into a very low low
I completely lost myself and couldn’t steer myself anywhere
For a while I didn’t know what I want and worse nothing really could motivate me or anchor me
Qinzhi was so right
She said ,” you look like you are so down with life “
And I worried her
Then yesterday when I felt better, she said, “ you look like you found something you are passionate for “
I told bf this and he asked me what I found.
Heal Thyself
I said I found – again this reminder – I can heal myself
Just today walking and chatting om ah hung – Guru Rinpoche ‘s mantra brought me newfound wisdom
I went back to the sacred cave in tso pema and saw Guru Rinpoche in his cave
I was kneeling before him and trying to feel his presence and blessings
It’s a very special feeling
Feels like there’s something else that touches you through and through in the air
Actually I kept asking for healing and blessings and today I understood that my prayers were heard – even if I thought I was not heard
I asked for healing and I kept going back to the past to check on myself and when I went there I always saw or found new things about myself
Yes there was healing
Power
And I also realized how much of my own power I have given out
Each time I looked outside for advice, I went out to look for consolation, I gave a bit of my power away
But- Each time I engage in initiatives to do something for myself engaging and ascertaining my power I feel good
Show Up for Today
And I didn’t couldn’t show up for life in the few days that I was not well
Do Today Do Now
I was thinking big! My purpose in life, the meaning I can derive . And I got even more lost
But just now ! The message I heard was- just look at tomorrow or even now . Do the day well. Make every moment of the day joyful, easy, effortless, happy, healthy.
And the bigger things will come
只要过好每分每秒，未来的都是生命的花红
If you make each moment count, everything that comes along is a gift from life
I always intended before I started walking or running. To use the practice ahead to expand on my consciousness, to open my mind further . To reconnect with my body, my self——- seemingly brainless or basic things but really it’s not that easy after all.
But as always on me time, inklings always come about.
(I) Like
One day I asked TPY what does she like? And the responses came.
我喜欢被感动，然后去感动别人
我喜欢发现，喜欢新，喜欢去发掘新奇的东西
可能别人会错过的
我喜欢做别人的眼睛，帮别人去发现发掘出来美
In essence, I found out that it’s not so much writing that I liked but discovering the new and seeing how I act on it or react to it. I like to look ahead and watch out for new things and to find the connection with it
(II) Open Up Show Up
On another day, I asked myself why do I need my shield of keloids and it dawned on me that at a certain point in my life, when life rained on me, I felt like I was not able to receive or manage already and so I put up my hands to block
And block all of life I did. The keloids when dad left and mom passed on. Then when Qinzhi experienced epilepsy —— and now writing this made me understand how I put a shield on my navel with the cyst!
When I felt how life was throwing things at me and I was overwhelmed and how life isn’t working for me
I put things up as a shield
And H did send me Louise Hay’s interpretation of a cyst
“Cysts: Running the old painful movie. Nursing hurts. A false growth. Cystic Fibrosis: A thick belief that life won’t work for you. “Poor me.”
And I took the chance to tell TPY – I do not need to shy away from life and it’s offerings anymore. I affirmed the circle of support I have and once again worked at feeling openness.
I need not hide from life- at all.
I affirm that I enjoy success prosperity vibrant great health and energy amazing fulfilling wholesome relationships
I affirm I am in the flow and always travelling in the best direction
I want to experience openness and success like never before
(III) Breathe
On another day when it rained as I was running, I was more desperate trying to anchor myself on my breath than escaping the rain. When it rained on, the voice in me grew louder : stay with the breath, stay. Move the body not the mind. Stay with the breath, feel it. And that was the gateway or link to the present. Not worries about the rain or getting rained on.
(IV) Yoga
I kind of am reconnecting back to yoga and is intrigued by the things the instructor says during the lesson
Such as- don’t do the pose let the pose do you.
Such as, let the yoga begin now
Such as, we see more when we feel more
The purpose of doing so much is to go in
As the pose gets a bit more intense, find a place to get comfortable . Adjust. Stay with the breath. Move the breath. Move the body not the mind
Find a place for the breath, where it hasn’t been before
And I see squirrels, eagles, birds and know – all is well.
If anything, find all ways to be connected with the self. And always , always come back to centering the self- or the breath.
No matter how hard it is raining. Ot what you see, hear, feel. Come back to the breath.
Its been a while since I picked up running 3 times a week. Although each time the route is the same, the process is so different.
What has been different is that H has been coming for healing sessions , energy work and I learn things each time. During the first session, her pendulum wouldn’t move on top of my crown, with energy work, the pendulum always moves in a vibrant fashion . But in subsequent sessions, in the beginning, the movements were small. My vital points were always wanting of movements and energy.
It is no wonder I felt low down and out. Not in the flow not connected.
Thoughts in the night
I have been drifting in and out of sleep at night with thoughts, such as: I have been “managing the keloids ” for the past close to 10 years, is it not enough? Not enough scratching itching inflammation?
Enough already?
I asked myself- or my higher self asked me—- in the middle of the night.
Peeling of layers
Today I peeled off another layer about the keloids.
Whilst walking back after the run, I peeled off another layer. The most recent realisation saw me seeing how the keloids were a shield and a protection for me.
Today I asked why I needed the protection?
The question is: do i still need protection now? The next thing that came to me was that I actually have support layers around me, whether it be family, an essential oil community or healers and people I could reach out to.
I am no longer that little one that needs protection, or -layers of protection.
The next thing I saw was that- the keloids were a shield and protection I desperately put up- in the time I need. There were these moments in time when I could no longer take any more. It was like the waves of life were coming at me. And I must have felt like I needed to block these out, and in a bid to block out whatever that was coming – I could no longer care if it’s good for me or not—- I needed a shield of protection. I needed to hide behind this shield this protection.
Today I saw how used to”shielding/protecting” myself from life I have become accustomed to. The shield and protecting is already happening unconsciously running automatically. In the same measure, the same “reflex”action, this habitual action and mindset, I block myself out of all receiving. Of all good things of all life.
Blocking out has been my habitual act I have become so used to, it happens without thinking.
Surrender
Surrendering is easier said than done. That day when I ran, I tried to work on open awareness. Basically just be aware of everything and anything around you. I felt like there was content in the atmosphere and I just wanted to allow the self to be open to this. To let the divine take over.
Whilst running today, I tried to open myself up. To allow, and to open up and allow. How do you push or let your self be aside and let the divine take over?
What is the feeling of stepping aside? Of putting your ego away in everyday life, in relationships?
Yoga
So many meaningful things felt during the yoga session on Monday. Teacher said, “find a place space for your breath – where it hasn’t gone to in your body. “
At the end of the session, I felt myself in stillness, in that place, there isn’t much movement, and you don’t really want to move. And after I left the studio, I wanted to keep that stillness somewhat. Trying my utmost to not disturb that sensation.
What I like
I told H about how Kim Robinson sat me down and used lipstick on my lips and told me , “Yen you have the most beautiful lips.”
I teared up. For he rescued me in that time of need. And till now, I remembered that moment even if he might not remember me. In my work previously, I have had the honour and privilege of meeting with angels like him, it was as if divinity is speaking to me through them, cherishing me motivating me, energising me.
It is moments like these- I felt connected to the divine. And in the years I have stayed away from work, I kind of lost grip and slipped away from these precious connections.
Getting back to work
I asked bf for support if I was ever going back to work. And he asked me what that is. I described to him how he could leave home without a care and to be devoted to work. Even if the kids were not well, he does not even call back to check on them. And that is because I m holding the fort at home.
And he got it. I asked if he is ready to commit to holding space and the home like this for me, when I get out to work. And when I do, I will have no reservations. I have been storing energy in the past 3 years for me to fly when I get out there.
Reflection
Saw the moon walking back and I instantly and instinctively turned to find the sun, in the opposite direction. Like resonance.
See the moon and you know where the sun is. As in what we see in our lives everyday. As above, so below. As with in, so with out. As the universe, so the soul. ― Hermes Trismegistus
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