I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.
And it did
NOW.
Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.
Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.
And I asked myself why.
Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved
I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.
And the wind came.
I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.
I asked it to help me be in the now.
When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss
Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House
The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life
The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life
That was what the kpop drama is about
Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes
Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves
When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha
But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together
Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life
By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit
She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her
Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back
When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.
It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up
It was herself who cursed herself
“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”
And who brought herself into existence over and over again
Wow
Wow
Wow
And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”
The drama used an analogy this way.
Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her
He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness
And delivers the message that –
If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to
If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate
Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget
She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”
In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her
Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime
She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her
Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand
And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels
Ji Eum says she is happy
A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything
And four words- All is good now
And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won
Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back
Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone
I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out
If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now
Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara
So much pain misery and suffering
But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget
And rather hangs on in pain
The drama shows that there is a way out
And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate
Life is lighter and simpler
And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing
That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time
To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom
It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else
I look at myself in inspection
I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it
Thinking that this is the way out
But it is so wrong
Making peace with oneself is not like that
Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom
I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another
May all beings be well and happy.
I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife
I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad
And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “
Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole
My perspective led me to the reality of a pain
Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too
Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up
And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?
I tried to say “All is good now”
Yes all is good now
And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling
I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?
The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.
In simpler terms, I did not accept
That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.
If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.
There was a little spark I saw seeing this.
But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?
What if I had chosen another concept another idea?
What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?
What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?
The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.
To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.
Ran and saw a couple friend who once tried to get my help into their business, but it all fell apart on its own somehow. This happened perhaps half a year ago.
I must have tried many times to do a reconciliation of what happened , for example, I thought of the Dalai Lama’s words-that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck. Or things like, they can’t afford you. Or, this isn’t meant for you.
And so very suddenly, it dawned upon me in my run, that business cannot touch me. Or intentions which have the purpose of money making, can not yet touch me-no matter how much they do not seem so on the surface.
With that realisation, which reinforced the need for us to be still to receive wisdom- I went on to look at the things that I have dabbled in and somehow, went apart on its own after a while -perhaps because these are not in lined with my own intentions.
And what are my own intentions I asked?
I recall John’s words many years ago that my path is a spiritual one. And I thought of the time when I was at my highest, I was sharing light- not mine, but of others, things like honour, passion, love, belief, things like this, I was sharing these outwards in stories, videos.
And of late, the picture in my mind was just being with people who told me stories of their lives and how they created and keep creating magic and wonders-for themselves and others.
So what can touch me? I asked.
(ii) Caught in middle
Don’t we all? Do this or that? Choose this or that? Which way forwards? Every moment of choice when we deliberate over something. We find ourselves in a middle position which offers some form of resistance and challenge.
The crux is how do we use this rather than be sucked in the moment or feel compelled and becomes a reaction.
When action is really what we are after.
Awareness awareness awareness is easier said than done when we are under the conditioned mind, subject to the pinnings of yesterday, today, others, experiences.
Is there any way we can use the moment of choice of opportunity? Use it and make it literally so, so that we do not create decisions that land us away from what we really want.
I say so because of late I feel so caught. And it is giving me headaches because I am in the middle or have not taken a clear enough stand.
A part of me is still stuck in the past huh
Looking at it, I have been given so many opportunities to do something different each time this same thing comes up. And so many times past, I did the same, which birthed and consecrated this new event, and I am thinking so hard what to do-and it all happens in the background, its consuming my energy.
Buddhist studies helped lots, to let me know that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, the theory is enlightening and liberating. The question is how do we reconcile with the issue on hand? How do we apply this learning.
How can I breakthrough of this cycle I have been perpetuating myself in?
How can I get out ?
Perhaps, rather than thinking my way out, I could feel my way out. I want to transform this, transmute, this.
The laws of cause and effect was brought to mind in the buddhist course, if I want the effect of breakthrough out of this cycle, what causes do I apply?
The intention was to get to know why the soul chose to come to earth? What was so attractive here that I wanted to explore so much I signed this contract?
I ask for the running practice session to help me find out.
And what did I hear ?
(I) to see and find out about light
All the times of perceived difficulty in worry and fear, each time I chose the way out – guided by light. I travelled in the direction of light once and again
(II) to find my magic my divinity
Each time of perceived difficulty worry and fear, I drew out from my core my being my soul my power my magic.
I thanked myself for keeping on – with openness, with the willingness to try , once again. To persevere and not give up. To stake on myself and believe I can
No I did not come here to worry about health, that was me gone off course. And i steer myself back
(III) the miracle body
Everyone of us has this miracle body who takes such wonderful amazing care of us , supporting us healing is restoring us to keep us going
The way my body heals is instant miraculous and magic
Our bodies perform magic once and again on is for us- because it wants us to know that we have a bigger purpose and a lot of things to achieve and accomplish. Our bodies want us to do exactly what we want to come here for and so they support us so unconditionally so faithfully so committed – with so much love
I thank my body I thank my body. Thank you for loving me!
(IV) the magic is if I m well you are
If I m facing light and feeling all the wonders of it, why wouldn’t my daughter? Why wouldn’t you? Or he? She?
One of the most meaningful things I heard from Lee Harris the day before in his free podcast was that when you run( or do something) , you are carrying the energy for another too.
We are all parts of each other. Fractals of each other.
Gift from nature at the end of my run. How beautiful.
(1) Light years ahead
May anyone who sees this be inspired by the light captured this morning to go forth and activate your path
(2) Big and Beautiful
The chinese way for the word beauty is 美, made up of 羊 （sheep）and 大 （big）
This morning as I was running , there was places which were more open than the others
And like this
And the expanse is beautiful. Space is beautiful. And it brings me back to the word 美. The word is supported by 大 or big below. And it says quite a bit about beauty. Big is beautiful
(3) Wisdom of the Sun and Moon
I have been writing this for a few days now- 智慧有日月同光
It translates to having the wisdom of the sun and moon. Or having the wisdom or intelligence of the universe.
And I kind of paid attention to that as I ran. There is a small window of seeing the sim and moon together. If you did- at any point in time, celebrate! And I thought of the times where I made decisions like that. I want to make decisions like that.
I can’t help but thank the new moon for her companionship at night and the sun for showing it’s brilliance this morning.
It’s so beautiful and to witness this is bliss.
And when thoughts came, I reminded myself to just be here, to stay here with this beauty that is here.
Be here and listen in on the divine. What does it have to say? What is it saying to you?
“Dear Pin Yen, I feel for you in the pain and thoughts.
We are all equal young people, old people, all people and all need to be respected.
Without the elderly (parants, grandparents, great grand parants etc) we would not be here.
They not only had to care for their families and survive wars, famines, atrocities, injustice and so on…stoically survive and move forward through the uncertainty of life and time. Building our nations, economies and then meet so that we are born.
Did you know if we look back the last 11 generations or about 300 years. There were at least 4094 people who had to meet, give birth to a child which would grow up and meet someone else to face the lifes challanges, bringing children etc.
Where did they come form? How many wars, famines, atrocities have they survived or not survived?
But also how much love, joy, dreams have they had and send to us down the line.
And how much strenght, endurance, courage and resilience have they left in us to move ahead in our lifes.
All we can do is to honore these gifts and take up their courage and strenght to forge ahead and make our lifes.”
And I saw Sasha’s send of this pix that I liked immediately and immensely
I wonder why
I am not sure why but I just wanted to watch this that I watched a while ago.
Particularly the part on Whitney Houston and the hit “ I will always love you”
“And I hope life, will treat you kind And I hope that you have all That you ever dreamed of Oh I do wish you joy And I wish you happiness But above all this I wish you love I love you I will always love you”
The intention today was to have awareness so as to work with the divine or rather to let the divine work through me.
And the “child” seems to be the theme of the run .
(i) How did you run?
This little girl was running into my lane and the first thing that popped into my mind was: how did I used to run as a child? How did my running steps feel like?
I couldn’t place these at all. Maybe I didn’t really run. I don’t really recall myself running. Perhaps it’s from the care of my family or nanny, who were so protective of me and was afraid of me hurting myself in a run . It came as advice out of goodwill and I listened in and practiced it
I didn’t run
Maybe that is why I always did not enjoy physical education in school. I didn’t like running . It’s not my thing.
But I still tried to feel for that feeling of me as a little girl of about 4 or 5. How would she run?
Without a care. Without any density of energies . Like a squirrel. That light. That free.
When I saw this, I kind of felt that in my running steps.
(ii) Possibilities
Whenever thoughts came, whenever I saw a possibility a picture of myself, I acknowledged it and told myself to continue to open up – to possibilities .
I thought of the times when I closed in or centred on one possibility. Such as when I left work. At that time, I centred on that particular possibility and couldn’t open up to the others. It was my choice.
But now, I asked myself to continue to open up, to widen to see and to observe.
And to go for the best and never settle. To go for that one which would make the little girl ‘s eyes and face shine
(iii) inner child
I had such a wonderful session with the girl in me.
What would you say to the child in you? The you in you?
“You are so blessed little one. You have such a strong and wonderful support circle around you and so move forward and do what makes you sparkle.
I feel you in perfect health and there is nothing you need to worry about.
I feel and see how you are so loved by your family and people around you. Your husband devotes to you your children love you, your siblings look up to you. “
I wanted to hear what she wants. I kind of created with the girl by asking her what she wants.
At a certain point in time, I saw why I came here again. I was daunted, couldn’t see possibilities, gave up on myself and lost my power .
In fact I reprised that too. Once very clearly during my second year in JC, when dad lost his footing and I lost mine or rather , I gave up mine.
The other time clearly, when I gave up work in 2019 . I handled my power away.
And what would the little girl choose?
“ I just want to pass on this touching feeling or moment(s) as much as I can. The feeling of the heart warmed and energized, fueling myself to greater goodness . Feeling hope and hopeful and ready to charge , to be inspired and go for it once again. “
I think that’s my power. To find my power (back) and let others see their power.
Ah Siong Hia is what I call him by for as long as I know.
Ah Siong is his name and Hia means brother in Hokkien.
I was nannied by his family and his auntie took me as a goddaughter. And because of this connection, I earned myself a few brothers who cared and loved me like no other. They gave me the respite I needed from the responsibilities of being an elder sister.
I remember when I was little I would always sit in his car and he would drive us to Changi airport at night to fetch his sister Ah Tin, who worked at Duty Free.
I remember being his flower girl when he got married to Michelle his wife.
Then when I had Qinzhi and when Qinzhi was little, and had Happy Train classes at Bugis on weekends, he drove her from Paris Ris to Bugis for us whenever Qinzhi did a staycay with them.
I remember the way he calls me and always cared for me- like hia— a brother. He always made sure people had things to eat—- when he himself never really did.
I heard how hard he worked for the family, doing lots of shift work at the airport at SATS. I remember when times were good he took the family to travel in Australia and bought me little koalas and an opal necklace
The last ten years of his life was less easy for him. He was diabetic and went on to do dialysis. I didn’t really visit him even though I heard how thin he had become or how he couldn’t walk or how he was panting or couldn’t sleep well or how he kept falling
I didn’t want to see and I kept away
I didn’t have the courage to.
He finally found himself in icu after another fall and at the dialysis center . And the next things I heard was his decision to decline the oxygen mask. He stayed on for another day and was gone last Sunday.
And what was I feeling about this? How was I really taking it?
I don’t know actually.
Qinzhi burst out in tears and HuaiHao said , “so sad … it’s like you cannot do anything about it”
Qinzhi was obviously shaken and she couldn’t really vocalize it. I asked her if she felt fear ? Fear of people leaving her and she said yes.
The kids are slightly older now and have begun to understand life and the cycles of it
I told them to remember the goodness and love Ah Siong Hia have given to them. And to wish him well and peace .
But how am I taking it? Ah Siong Hia’s passing made me think about life and death
So much time has passed since I played the role of a flower girl at his wedding. Time has gone for us all.
And listening to how he was and his decision through others made me see how dreamlike how fleeting life can be
In the time he was struggling in the hospital, everyone was expecting the worse. When would the last be?
And how different is it when we wait or expect a baby to be born ?
No one can control and no one knows.
Before we knew, he breathed his last. His family were obviously shaken, torn between feeling relieved that he need not suffer any longer and feeling pained for him.
I keep hearing how he cared for his family how he drove everyone around and ran errands – I remember being in his car and he would play Hokkien songs – and these are all long gone – and the next thing is his final send off before he is cremated and reduced to ashes
And is life —-to be this way?
How can we live life happily healthily joyfully meaning-fully while being subscribed to our habits our stories ?
There’s a sense of helplessness as people go about their lives , imprisoned by their feelings thoughts and perspectives
Yet we sometimes just need another point of view, an openness and a willingness to see to try a different path and follow a new direction. This point of difference is all that matters , so easy yet so hard all at once
I pray and wish for all to have the motivation to eke out a new path to have that opportunity that added push that energy that blessing that protection to
Life is short but life is long too
Life is hard but life can be easy too
Life is difficult but life can be very very good too
And I want to consciously live life well from now.
On Sunday afternoon, I shared with the kids this. I said I asked myself what I really want to do?
I thought so long: and my answer to myself would be that: I want to do something, anything that allows me to discover to feel and express the good in life. Goodness, honesty, integrity, love, compassion, heart, passion, perseverance, kindness, joy, to have the chance to capture these sparkling magic moments, to savour them cherish them celebrate them and share them outwards
That is what I want to do
And more than ever, I want to and know I can live long and well
I want to and know I can get the support of my body to go for it with me. As always.
I texted teacher Stephan to thank him for sharing over lunch and how he always believed in me and cherished me even before I did . And he replied to me this
“Dear Pin Yen, sometimes we loose sight of ourselves and need to be reminded, how precious you are.
So I will tell you again and again.
But it is important that you recognize and accept it.
And it is just the beginning…
I’m flying off tomorrow, we are connected and am always here for you and if you need an enkaku. Until very soon!”
I just had to ask myself when I stopped recognizing myself when I stopped seeing my power?
I asked myself that question until I fell into sleep last night.
Was it when I quit Michelin ? Was it even earlier? Was it when I was a child and I kept missing the chances when I wasn’t picked for some leadership roles? Was it when I was a student and I didn’t believe I had the right answer? Was it when I saw fellow peers succeed and envied them being in the spotlight while I lashed it out at myself chiding myself for not doing better or my best? I dimmed my own light!
Is this all above important ? what has been?
NO. Really. No . What has been had been.
I spent so much time asking and pondering and trying to find out. But I would accept this all now – all the experiences that have brought me here.
I’m sincerely thankful for them, for making me this way and bringing me here. I think I have done well and I can say- to the best of my ability
And I do want to DO more. I know and want my life to be so different in so many good ways, in ways new joyful healthy happy successful that I have never been or seen. And I know I can
Life is a dream but life is not.
I want to leave something beautiful and heartwarming every step of the way. And I know I can.
And we all can.
Thank you Ah Siong Hia, for all the love and care you have given to me. I am so grateful and thankful I have the chance to call you Ah Siong Hia and be a little sister to receive your love. Please rest and be at peace now.
On the eve of Christmas, we headed back to the Domquartier and visited the Salzburg Cathedral (where Mozart was baptized ) and visited St Peter’s Church. We lighted a candle here on bf’s initiative.
It felt lovely seeing the candle lighted – it is as if the light is warming up my heart
I pray. I ask for all to be always inspired and warmed. For all to always be guided and protected. By light.
Our own- light.
We had a vegan lunch before heading to the Schloss Concert at the Marble Hall Mirabell. The time here listening to the pieces made me aware- I came to Salzburg to come here to listen to this
So it was for this I came. I could have some connections with this place the music. And I have come again.
That was why Salzburg was picked. There was no accident
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