I was asking myself how to deal with inflammation at the keloid? I had wanted to try a different reaction/action, because all along what i did was to anticipate and search for the next bump and to get it out. I cant wait to get it out to clean myself out. And the advice I had from John was to squeeze out the pus, and from Selena too, after all, its better to let it out! 

So I did not feel very much at ease with my decision to just not do anything.

But as I was walking the kids to school, I saw the difference.

Not actively letting it out before its time, was something different from the past. I used to do things to speed up or would squeeze the pus out once I perceived a bump. There’s so much “doing” that I am conscious of now.

But now, I choose to let it be, and when the time comes for it to erupt, I will deal with it.

Thats the difference. 

I also reapplied 3 interesting things on the way.

1. Qinzhi’s bag was so heavy i felt the weight on my shoulders. I instantly compared it to the weight I put on my shoulders 20 years back, when I was in my early 20s and had to shoulder the family’s emotional and financial burden 

Wasn’t that a lot heavier?

Haha.

Surely it was, but why wasn’t i feeling it? I was so numb to it. Or I just numbed myself so I wouldn’t listen to any bit of myself, I just soldiered on, pushed on, not listening to myself at all. Do I have a choice? I think I could have. But I chose to make the choice to carry this burden.

And i breathed in and sent light to that girl then, whose face seemed to brightened up as the light landed on her face.

She doesnt feel as heavy now.

She just wants to be acknowledged. She can take the burden, she doesnt mind the sacrifice, the work————but she just wants to be credited for all she has put in.

I think even if my family felt it, no one really said thank you to me.

I felt a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, looking around me, who could take this all up if not me?

I HAD to be the ONE

2. Why me?

I asked in my heart but in a chinese family, you do not discuss or say these things, either you sucked it up or you run off.

I had to suck it all up in silence, no questions asked.

There was so much resentment because this arrangement this system did not go well with how I like things to work.

No questions asked, that was one, for another, nothing was said.

3. Which brings me to the point of silence, that silence was killing, and now I know why I cannot take my husband’s silence.

And seeing these, opened me up, and made me understand how and why I was always looking for credit and acknowledgement from the outside, such as when I did something exceptional at work, I was hoping my bosses would see and acknowledge. But there are disappointments and that made me really angry. When they keep silent, the did not acknowledge or recognise my effort.

Because this is reminiscent of the past efforts I have put in and wanted so much credit for. That I did not receive.

So it all adds up.

Coming back to Qinzhi ’s bag, why does it feel so heavy? I m happy it felt heavy. It means I am now more in tune with my senses. And its not something I really wanted to carry.

As I walked to Suneeta’s place for another session with Stephan, I heard myself say, “ I want to process my experience. There are so many things there that u did not see, hear, feel, understand. “

If I spent effort and took learn in my experiences, they would have unlocked all the answers to the questions or the challenges I have or is facing in life. 

Just like how I understand why I look for outside validation or recognition and why silence provoked me that much now.

This understanding is for me such a big leap.

In the past, I used to not even want to have anything to do with the past.

I can’t wait to be disassociated with it or bye it away.

But look! 👀 What change I have felt inside.

I came at 10am as agreed and we sat on the swing to chat.

I told Stephan about the processing I have done, as above,

And more things propped up

Like appreciating all the fights I had with my husband as something positive like an improvement 

Because my parents had so much silence everything was not expressed or not expressed enough

I must have observed this as a child and the discomfort my mother had and how my parents relationship were not able to get better or be fulfilled

In my marriage, I had so many quarrels and unhappiness too, but I talked it out always

And we have had so many big forget and quarrels

Now that I “knew” about the silence, I m glad we exploded

We were already taking a step or many more , more than what my parents had managed to

I told him about dad apologising to us on the coffee table , and how he looked then, totally disappointed with himself, proclaiming himself a failure and how at that time, i held my head up and looked down.

I told him that I was speaking to him, it became apparent that, I was angry with myself, for making the choice to bear the burden.

I didnt know I was angry with myself

I told him I had a choice to run away, but I didnt, I chose to be the one, I resented myself and was angry at myself for putting myself in that one position

I didnt know I was angry with myself all the while

I spoke also about my first India trip and knowing I was an Indian princess from a tribe

He said, “ fantastic. You were able to reach even further now to past lives. I used to have a fear of flying and once I got myself into meditation and in there I saw I was a pilot in World War II and my companion was injured and the key was fired and I had this immense fear of burning up. After seeing that, now I m no longer fearful about flying”

It is a wonder how reaching backwards can help one progress forwards with ease

We came into the reiki session 

I prayed and asked for my dharma protectors and my guardian angels to deliver all the healing all the love all the peace all the support all the joy that I would need to blossom to becoming the best version of myself 

In the session, I was busy. I told myself to open up to the process so I observed 

At the abdomen area, Stephan’s hands hovered and I felt the energy move and trace out peaks and troughs 

At the top of the tummy, it was as if someone blew air in, it was expanding , it was opening up

The next most obvious thing was I felt a solid rush of energy coming up from my feet up my hips into my upper body

It was a complete infusion of light energy force warmth

The energy was so determined and with great strength it came 

All I could do was to observe it respect it revere it

It is taking charge

Like a total internal washing to sweep my clean

And as I recount and write now, I know the past has gone

And can no longer get at me

I felt also a lot of energy running along my left arm hand and leg

Then it was the right side

There were releases along the way, my right hand was moving outwards and finally dropped out of the bed

I moved into a deeper state, sometimes as I perceive, the energy would call me back

I felt my face worked

My face was facing the world, how much has it taken in?

And in rest, the soul and how it feels speaks through the face

When Stephan put his hands above my eyes, I could feel warmth

When he cupped his hands around my ears, they were hot. 

I still like this feature the most, I felt really protected. I felt myself carried as a baby by a parent facing outwards legs dangling in the air

Carefree and fearless

Now as I write this——- That must be me

Me carefree and fearless

Unworried

Happy

How beautiful to just feel this way, even if it was an inkling

The energy coming out of it was pure and simple and true 

Then Stephan ‘s hands rested on my right shoulder 

That was when I felt a lot more releases on the hands and legs

This process is beautiful

It made me understand how little you need—— if you get the elements right, 

Just providing space and support albeit divine light——— would be sufficient to fetching out the deep seat hidden kinks

But also it showed me how difficult this can be if nothing were aligned

And once again, I give thanks to my experiences 

This process taught me to honour my experiences

It’s not about adding on or taking things out

Not fearing it stopping it blocking it

Not discounting it judging it 

Observing 

Just facing it squarely 

Recognizing it

Acknowledging it 

But there were thoughts too

There is a part of me who thinks too much

Habitually wanting to make sense or analyze or derive

That part so Used to the old energy pessimism darkness that is providing the inertia or making it difficult for me to move forward

I pray that this be let go

Stephan told me about his interpretation 

When I told him his hands were hot, he said yes and not just hands but his entire body and feet as the energy flowed through

He said he wanted to do more work on my lower body this time

And he said he saw my father at my feet saying “things are improving” 

But the most wonderful thing he said he experienced was at my heart or body centre

“Love confidence can’t enough describe it. It’s not just SIngapore or Asia or the world it’s the universe and all the stars swirling and pin yen is at the centre of it at the heart of it and nothing else matters but pin yen now and I want to do all I can to support pin yen. 

“It’s such a beautiful experience overwhelming even for me, making me feel full

It’s just pin yen pin yen pin yen. This precious heart

Reminds me of the time I m in the mountains and when it opened up. I don’t have that many experiences like that and it’s a new thing for me”

“At the tummy area, I saw also many guan yin, I heard the mantra or song I always hear so it’s a very good feeling coming out from your tummy”

“And I must tell you, that with the gifts you have, you will be someone something big. I do not know what it will be for you but you have to know, you will be able to help many people”

I am totally lost on what Stephan said

I told him so that I cannot imagine what he is feeling

Just thankful I was able to inspire and let him 

I love all the undoing unwinding and going back 

I couldn’t imagine going back once, now I can. There seemed to be so many hidden stories I didnt know then

I showered and did the shower gel anticlockwise again

Shortly after I saw how beautiful it was when sunlight lit up the water

The water was falling and gently hitting on my abdomen area and they reflected all the colors of sunlight out

How beautiful, luminous sparks flying out from my body

How joyful !

How wonderful to be here at this moment and not rushing out for work or be in a train ——somewhere else!!!

How grateful just to experience this!

And what next my ever efficient mind probed

Then I thought- don’t try to hard——-Don’t force it out

Let it be 

Let be

And I came to the kitchen to hang clothes

And there and then the thought popped up——- isn’t it already such a gift to witness and experience that shower? That beauty?

I can’t help but be led by my mind to the time when I shared the same room with the Dalai lama or meeting Khadro-la or all the magic that has happened

Aren’t they enough?

They covered all the painful incidences all the pain I am carrying but with so much silence, so much grace and positivity with so so much light so so much love and compassion

And all the incredible talents all the teachers I have met

All the support from the divine

Am I even thankful for these?

Are these not enough?

Stop digging things out of a molehill tpy

Stop making a fuss or brewing a storm out of the teacup

I reread my last post of 2019 and I wrote:”As I looked out of the window and admired the fireworks, the others asleep, I realise that nothing can not be let go, and it would be silly not to let go, or to continue grasping. Because just being here to witness this moment, is THE most important thing and the best thing one can have.

I learned to look at the big picture and not sweat the small stuff. Life taught me how to let go of the little things, teaching me to expand and broaden my views, my inner being.

…

Stopping to get a hold of myself, my family, my kids, my husband, my life and—time.

I want to be in the moment, to live, and not just pass time by. I want to take the time.”

Take time i did, now when I walk, i train myself to be aware of how I tread. 

And I have so many things to train/retrain myself, how important can the past be? in the face of all these important things I am picking up?

I told teacher about all these pockets of magic , it was as if I had visited incredible magical lands—- I remembered how it was reading Enid Blyton’a <The Magic Faraway Tree>and there would be different lands up the ladder of the tree.

All these magical episodes I popped into, they touch me so much! how much love joy and peace they bring me! So much so that I can and want to bring magic back into my life and to use them in my work 

And after a while, when I revisit my work, I would be rescued back by all the magic

And teacher says I have many pockets.

“ I am certain . It’s not about confidence that you will heal yourself find a way our of this. And after that you will help a lot of people. Because you are radiating, you have incredible internal strength as a woman. You are distinguished highly intelligent highly aware and you are so pure. You have a beautiful heart. And you have the gift of expression. 

And good nature emotions are extremely important. You have been working so closely with them.” 

After self reiki:

I saw Stephan’s message. I had shown him a selection of my video works,

“Good Morning Pin Yen.

Impressive and moving, they have opened their hearts to you! And it’s all there. Extraordinary work.

After reading and watching the video, and our sessions,  you have shown me the issue we are looking for.”

What is the issue?

I asked.

I started looking at Daniel Boulud’s video, he said “Every night I was working for everyone else other than myself….its the…family”

“There is no hurry to become a great chef…”

These are me

I looked at Passard’s video, “One cook Two Lives”. Its as though…no, my second life is blossoming now.  Now I know why I gave it that title.

He said all his has achieve are because of his ten fingers, he said his hands are his most precious, …he taught me about appreciating ourselves, 

He says 20 years on he still is trying to understand the decision he made —and this gave me the answer I was looking for. I was impatient too, I wanted to know so badly and to sort out the kinks, but listening to him…. he is still sorting out 20 years later.

I have spent 20 years, and is sorting out.

But why does he looks o beautiful? why does his eyes shine his skin glow pinkish…baby like? when he talks his body and hands move, and that made me want to move along. Why?

Because of the energy of purity and truth, the intention was that simple.

These are me as well.

And i got another answer.

These are the ways I can heal myself and gather strength whenever I need. These are the batteries my fuel .

I asked Stephan yesterday that if there’s jut one thing I can do to heal, what would it be? He couldn’t reply. But I know now.

To look back at my achievements and be extremely unabashedly proud of myself.

In Ishinomaki, Chi said, “Fear makes us afraid of moving on. Our fear makes us think we are only this small, we can only do this much or that we are not in the capacity to help someone or listen to someone. When I think of the people over there, I think about how I am going to make an impact on them, on their life also.”

“And if you trust that tomorrow will be better, it will be better. It’s the perspective. Conversely, if you keep worrying, everything will not turn well. Worry really is paying interest that is not due.”

I am writing just in front of the stove and facing the window and the rising sun in my kitchen. And loving this.

Why haven’t I come to this spot all these years I have spent in my home?

It feels pretty right for me actually and I began to write to collect my thoughts

My dear sun! Pls give me all the light I need to light up my body . To give me inspiration to process all that I need

I was in my usual spot in my infra red sauna and a few important things came to mind

• the skin remembers . That’s why we have scars. But exactly what scars come on depends on how we remember something. Logically speaking if it were a nice memory it stays in the heart or brain to warm. But if it was memory that was negative, the skin remembers it with intensity too—— that is how the body tries to tell you that , perhaps you should look at the memory that hurt that pain that is hidden somewhere and yes , hidden by yourself
• I look at the most recent scar I have and I thought: let’s try to work with this one first. Let’s try to heal this one first

• And following this train of thought: it shows we r holding on to it. Something didn’t go away because we didn’t let it go. We hold on. That’s why it’s here. So actually I still didn’t want to let the keloid go, I was clinging on to it. I have been used to it . I want it.
• And why m I holding on? Out of habit? Or I think I will be/m nothing because of these?  I need these things to identify or valid myself ?

How silly!

Don’t be afraid of starting out and from zero 

I tell TPY

It’s a blessing, such a blessing to be able to start all over again. And that seems to be what I m doing, I left my job exactly because I wanted to do this. To start all over again, first with awareness to identify, unlearning, then (re)learning everything with no preconceived notions.

• and the point of going back to go forward: I m learning how to be intuitive to trust my gut my first reaction, I m relearning this as what I have all the while was to suppress my self my emotions my gut instincts
• So I m relearning things, learning to walk again, how to walk without tension, learning all over again – how to eat again —- how to do it mindfully, learning how to breathe again and feeling the power the blessings in breath learning how to be tpy as I would have liked
• Not someone else not copying like what HuaiHao said! “ life is not about copying . It’s about doing what you want. If you want to game you game. If you want to dance you dance. If you want to sing you sing if you want to sing you sing it’s like you mean it.” Not loving mommy’s life or what she didn’t get the chance to do. Not living out shameful reactions learned reactions not conforming to standards just because everyone is doing it 
• the word betrayal that Stephan used when he talked about how I was let down by my father provoked me. Since that betrayal, I have been betrayed at work. I have felt betrayal or disappointment in marriage and most recently, how my introduction wasn’t properly credited by the two parties who were introduced
• Is it me? Is it my expectations? Why does the world act as if there’s nothing wrong
• I have not come to terms with the workings of the world, does that mean they are right? Holding on to principles and not conforming to mainstream power means one has to be punished? How do I come to terms with these? I have not even sort these things out. Now I know why I m watching Itaewon Class because that is exactly what the male lead is doing. Idealist, romantic, principled, never bowing down to mainstream norms and forever striving for his ideals. He seemed to have immeasurable energy when it comes to standing up for himself and his ideals his values his way his life
• I thought about what Stephan asked me again- so what is the issue you are getting at? It came to my mind- it’s defining me. It’s like there’s a gap between myself and society or norms and standards. And being me seems to put me opposite society. And how do I find peace in this? Who is tpy. What are the things I can let go of and what I cannot?

It’s about honesty. It is saying exactly how you feel being exactly who what you are. Not more not less. 

And Chef Paco Perez ‘s words came to mind.

“The greatest challenge,” he says almost poignantly, “is to be happy. Be yourself and that makes the difference.” 

I had interviewed him in my last position

https://guide.michelin.com/en/article/people/acclaimed-spanish-chef-paco-perez-on-the-romance-of-cooking

Living who you are and being accountable to yourself. And shining your own light irregardless of what others do or say. It’s confidence and not letting others have any bearing even if they have power. It is being you. 

The practice I have trying to feel my way with news subjects , putting the right word in the right place is now doing me the greatest good

As I learn to taste the subtleties of my own experience 

How is it? What does it feel like? From tasting flavours to tasting my own experiences and expressing them with words that exactly feel like the experience itself. Nothing more nothing less.

And I started to showergel myself in an anti clockwise direction 

Feeling my way as it goes

Unwinding

Undoing

Releasing 

It’s great because it’s a new process 

And let’s you get in touch or taste new things or experience the everyday in a way

Never before

And inspiring it is because you understand now—— that the littlest things you tweak can make a big difference 

Which brings to kind that talk John has online. He said that the most deadly problems can be solved with the simplest things in life that you do everyday

Like eat well

Sleep early and sleep well

I didn’t have a chance to be me

I was everyone else 

And I asked Stephan what made him take up reiki 

And he told me his story

He was working and edging his way trying to force things through and his arms had extremely bad eczema 

In a session with his psychotherapist, the specialist made a point and let him know that the problem is with him as he is trying too hard to deliver

To make things work

But as life would have, life is not about control 

You cannot control

But having the ability to find peace and balance and allow would let you be in the flow

And that is what would work best

And he found peace in that moment 

He clicked and his rashes were gone

“And I saw for myself how, and what can happen when the software changes, what it can do to the hardware.”

I was getting impatient 

After listening to all these stories. What could click for me?

What is the missing link?

And he says, “ don’t try too hard don’t force it because the harder you try to find , the more difficult it is to reach”

We exchanged stories about our lives

Like how he found his wife on a beach in Mexico not knowing how to speak Spanish but saw that mesmerizing smile

And how they chatted at the beach till 4pm and until now when his wife cannot sleep, she would ask him for a story

And he would tell her one

“And if she didn’t like it, I would have to look somewhere to tell her another one”

He told me about having to rise up to his own expectations because he has been taught by his parents or father to deliver or fulfill a promise

And if he wasn’t able to do so professionally he would take it upon himself that he failed himself and his father 

But the psychotherapist made him understand this was just a case of him being too harsh on himself 

Punishing himself 

One of the teachings his dad taught to him he shared with me: that it didn’t matter what job you do, do it with pride and do the best you can for it”

I told him what I made sense of 

Like the scars r there because I have not let them go

I m still holding on

And why?

Because I haven’t made sense of them 

And I didn’t let them go because they constitute part of my identity my life

Letting go and Opening up seemed so easy yet—-

I m like an abused victim still allowing abuse onto me holding on

I told him about marriage and my tribe 

How in my tribe womenfolk were always stronger 

I told him how I educated my husband when he fell into loud silence

And he supported and said, “you did the right thing. It is not about your position your money your job, but the respect that you receive and give. This you cannot compromise “

In the session, i could feel a lot of intense reactions in my torso my abdomen. Forceful twisting wringing almost painful at times. It’s like a deep tissue massage on every single organ in my body to check on them.

The energy was solid and forceful and determined 

Like with a resolve

When he put his hands on my ears, I felt like a cocooned baby. Protected safe secure and ready. Like I can surge forward with no qualms or hesitation.

Very powerful, this touch and how it translates to become energy to go forward and with no fear. Remember this TPY.

The most beautiful thing is —-I feel like a baby and I know I can be a baby again.

Why not?

Why not? This belief that I can be a baby again- why not? Gave me a lot of confidence and joy and happiness 

We can —— so long as we want

I felt like whatever support I needed  no I have, all along and going forward

I want to remember this feeling of support 

And I m grateful

Was it on the chest or heart? I didn’t know where but it made my heart feel so full so so brimming with warmth gentle love and great energy watery so full so full

Taken together it made me feel rejuvenated. I feel energized again full of hope and ideas, like there’s so much I can do and want to do

I can go forth again

Then on my right I saw myself not well 

Then almost immediately on the left I saw myself coming up with a version of myself who is yet to be 

The best version of myself

In the works

I m and will be shaping that

I told teacher I understood my mother ‘s soul made the decision to leave

With the circumstances facing her and the lack of support, she made that decision in an instant—— as we all do

And I used to have so many intertwined complicated emotions about her departure

anger, disbelief , regret, hurt, unwanted, wounded, why me?

I saw how hard it was for me to breakthrough or go past whatever she get she wanted she did

The force from the past was tugging

Like how I used to feel afraid if I had flu, would I die like her?

Would I die young like her?

Thoughts like this.

Now I could understand why I get these things

Mother’s void filled my space with so many questions and content

It occupied my life

So naturally I was making out her thoughts feelings wishes 

So I was expressing her as I experience her —— using my life

The fact was, I did not have many chances to experience her as my mother a lot. I was nannied and with domestic help. And just when I open up to tasting a mother’s love,   

She left as abruptly 

But now I could see and with wisdom, I knew my mother made these choices in circumstances that were dire for her. Out of disappointment with her marriage herself etc 

From the tightness and difficulties in my marriage and relationship with my partner, I could see similar patterns and got a hint that perhaps my parents went through that too 

And so I m finding it so hard to breakthrough 

But I will try and if I do, the knot my parents had will resolve and my children wouldn’t have to go through these we went through 

And I saw that my conditions were 

different

I have the support from nanny from teachers like John like Mr Ng like Stephan like Suneeta

And I would do it any other way but hers 

Instantly I felt the tug of the power of the past vs present 

Then and now

Mom and me

Seeing myself in the making, made me see that there is a lot of room and indeed , boundless space to create to shape and to reinvent myself 

How does the perfect me look like?

I saw an outline

And the space to shape it

Peaceful

Joyful

Happy

Wholesome 

Brimming with passion and life

Grounded

Beyond healthy and fully of vitality 

Longevity

SHINY

I had never been me

Maybe in a short while

When I was growing up, I was what mother wanted, mother didn’t have the chance to learn music and gave me Yamaha organ piano lessons

Then I was the girl with good results mom wanted me to

And when I wasn’t good enough, mom told me so and afterwards I made the decision to be exceptional —— till now

Then when dad left, I had to be the daughter mom needed and the sister my siblings needed

Then when mom left , I had to be the sister or mother to my siblings, I had to be the daughter my dad wanted to shoulder the family like a mother

If there were pockets to be me, it was so little

I couldn’t be me

I was everybody everybody wanted but me

So I told Stephan again, that the issue, would perhaps to learning or finding out exactly who tpy is

Validating myself in spite it all

Having the honesty and the courage to be me

Life has given me all these big and little exercises in which I encounter these scenarios of a higher authority and me

In the beginning it was suppressing myself and giving money to father

Later, bosses who do not credit me properly for the work I have done

Even later, colleagues who choose to take me down in opportunities

I was disgusted

But I saw how I began to say out how I feel as I journey

Each and every episode forced my voice out 

I began reaching deeper below and I fetched out my authentic voice and made decisions to reflect my heart and soul

The latest was the decision to quit my job

And now I could see these as exercises

Just this viewpoint is an achievement 

The judgment and attachment was not there as much as before 

How amazing

And I notice another inflammed spot on the keloid as I write

The instinct wanted to deal with the blood and pus

I was thinking about how to manage this

And I thought, why don’t I do something different?

And what was that I asked?

I got the answer from the conversation we have.

Stephan said, “ sometimes you more you control and force the more things would go out of control. Sometimes leaving things as they are is already doing it. It means you are in the flow of it”

Not doing is doing 

In Chinese philosophy Lao Tzu said it too. 无为而治

But this morning, not doing had me derive more meaning out of it

It means a respect or acknowledgement of something and an active decision or choice on the self to not be entwined or involved in it

To respect and trust the control or divine up there 

Interestingly , Stephan hovered his hands this session

After that he said that he observed me when I was doing reiki for another and I would hover my hands

I said yes because I felt the energy coming out from that person and I was observing it, trying to rationalize how to work with it

Lifting or lowering my hands to feel which way feels better

And he said , “ sometimes without touching, we can go deeper”

when his hands hovered around my hip area he saw my parents again and that they were very proud of me

At the left, he saw flashes or sparks coming out. “ I wasn’t even closing my eyes”

At the right he saw 2 people who had financial difficulties,  one was escaping the loan sharks, the other was having money problems , they were his relatives and they struggled hard and came out the wrong way

And when he saw how I turned out, he appreciated how differently I came out to be

Or how similar situations can turn people out in different ways

I also had a lot of releases and twitches in my feet on my hands

And I come to appreciate how much my body soaked up all these years

“The abdomen area was really intense sometimes I felt like I was exploding. I also see you are doing a lot of work breathing and opening your mouth. The pelvic area said you are too tired and you need rest”

“YOU NEED YOU NEED “

In the first session he said this at the same area too—-“ all the events were too much for the hardware.”

Interestingly I told him this is the time I did the least I m free-iest 

Earlier on I asked him when he cried and what was it he felt actually ?

He told me about going into the alps and sometimes it would be all dark and suddenly there would be light in front

It’s the feeing of light that overwhelms him

And there he was with light with me

He saw how hard I was working to keep going, and my resolve to heal

That touched him so much 

And these reminded me of Mr Ng’s words. He said the same. My resolution to heal and evolve came from somewhere with a lot of depth and that must have moved him that was why he was putting a lot more heart into our sessions

I went for my private Reiki session with Stephan, it took a while for me to get this through but I m thankful it came true.

I get so full after telling Stephan about my journey

I could not eat

At night, Inspiration came on a toilet bowl 😆 

In a flash, it read:” from fearing the divine to hearing the divine.”

And learning to cocreate with the divine.

Stephan asked me at the end of the session, “ what is it you are trying to get or what is the issue at heart?”

I thought it was forgiveness or acceptance.

I don’t think I have totally come to terms with whatever experiences I have gone through. Not that I have made sense of them. Like what Passard said, so many years later, he was trying to understand his decision of letting proteins off the menu.

Forgotten sometimes but forgive maybe not.

And, so much time has passed.

But it didn’t seem to be these.

More so, it’s about finding out a way to live and not be fearful. Finding the balance and being viable in society today.  How not to bow down or take sides or be involved in politics and yet shine. How to unravel learned reactions and truly be authentic, how to enjoy and appreciate life as your true self would?

How to do that?

How to live happily and joyfully without fear or anger or how to take care of these things from time to time?

I feel like I have not really found my way so in a sense I m lost.

I didn’t get the chance to find this out because I have had to attend to my family. I had to shoulder the burden of all the practicalities feeling my way about. I was busy being in fear anger frustration bitterness then.

I sort of missed a step in adolescence—- that period people had struggles and would most often achieve a breakthrough after sorting out a way, their way of handling themselves and others in the world.

When Stephan put his hands on me yesterday , I felt a great swirl in my tummy. 

Today it’s different ——- like a gentler loving delicate energy.

He started with my head, then the ears. He cupped his hands and protected my ears and that was good.

I haven’t felt that kind of unconditional protection for a while. It was secure safe and sweet.

It gave me space to just ——be me.

That was when I sort of see, in my mind’s eye that old photo in which mommy was carrying me. And that old photo of dad and me at east coast playing sand.

Almost in an instant, sadness came over. Why wasn’t my husband able to offer me this comfort in my time of need?

Why does he always judge my experiences or deem that I should do this or that?

I was disappointed. And I saw for myself what distance there was in between.  And all the circumstances in which my emotional needs couldn’t be supported by him. Tears seemed to emerge from the heart. Then Stephan hand’s came to the shoulders, and he did push them down even if i was lying down.

And it felt good actually.

My shoulders carried too much burden. It felt good to have those go down.

And then at the heart area, I hear sniffs. Many times. My mind told me Stephan was sobbing. I didnt know. I was trying to concentrate on the energy flows and to experience the subtleties of the flow.

That was when he said, “You mother and father loves you very much, even if they do not have many chances to say it.”

“And they are feeling very sorry that they should have been here with you when you had to take it all by yourself.” 

Then Stephan asked for permission to rest his hands on my liver, abdomen and then the big keloid.

The energy flow was really delicate and gentle, nothing forceful at all. Nothing big or strong, just extremely tender. On the abdomen, i felt things bubbling up and rising up, wanting to escape or get away. They have been pent up for so long now they cant wait to get away.

I opened my mouth and heaved it out.

And as i lapsed in and out of sleep, i felt my right arm do a release in an awkward position, and my right leg as well, there were twitches here and there. Like pent up repressed ones.

Was it at the abdomen too? That I realise, I could see these experiences, as chance for me to practise, practise awareness and transform. Rather than seeing myself in there, pitying me.

As if something has opened up, a new perspective, a new vision, a new way of looking.

That was what Stephan said before we started—on the point of acceptance, he said that if we accepted, we wouldn’t be that attached and judge.

And Stephan told me what he perceived during the session.

“I spent alot of time at the head, because I was thinking—she’s giving everything to the people around her, now who is taking care of her? The least I can do is to do this for her. And so I put my hands at the head. And at the ears, that was when I saw 2 people, like your mom and dad, who love you a lot even if they did not say it alot . And there was the sense of guilt that they cannot be with you and you have to take it all yourself. The should have been the light for you, but it turned out that you are the beacon of light to them.

And I felt this so much, i just sobbed. I am sorry, this has not happened to me before, but listening to you and your story, I m learning something from you too. I am affected.

So even if I had wanted to spend more time on the abdomen area, I couldn’t. ”

Before the session, I told Stephan the journey, everything in a gist. Like the cyst and the connection between mother and daughter, and it was Qinzhi who kickstarted the awakening in me, and now again. I told Stephan about marriage and how it challenged me. And how now, I could better understand what my parents were going through and would have these big and little aha moments, things which I couldn’t understand then, I could interpret them better now. 

And how I was mirroring my mother and living for her, using my life. And knowing this shouldn’t be, I took effort to do something different. If my mom had bowed down to my father, I was certainly vocal and not taking things lying down. 

But all in all, it was like taking 3 steps forwards and 6 backwards, and then there would be checks/exercises along the way—to put what I have learnt to test.

To see if I could move on to the next level.

But its not easy.

The whole journey! I told him about childhood, teenage, adulthood, parenthood, marriage. Acceptance, forgiveness, work, videos, incredible people I have met.

I am surprised I could talk about it pretty much like another’s story. Just this made me happy. Like the intensity has gone down.

Emotions in check. I wouldn’t have been able to had it not been for time and the support I have had from the divine , from the people who loved me and supported me, and those I have crossed paths with.

And hearing this from me, Stephan has this to say, “You are an incredible lady, what you have gone through, I m sure you told me the compact version, but I couldn’t imagine how you have done all these? How did you do it? You looked so refined, so elegant, who would have thought? The things you went through are not little things, how did you do it.

And I know —how could you have reacted in another way? You had no choice, it was always others before you. Taking care of others before you, and you did not have the time nor space to take care of your emotions, your self.

I was grateful someone saw this.

“So I would send love and light to that me in that time, these days when I think of it. I didnt think I would do it another way, but now that I have the wisdom the space the support the environment, the awareness. I would offer light and love to the me then.

I believe that the past can be undone.”

Stephan talked about the Kumo yesterday.

When drawn in the clockwise direction, its a creative process. But when done anticlockwise, it would be about releasing destroying something destructive .

Interestingly in the shower this morning, I had the idea to swipe anti clockwise as I applied the shower gel.

I remember Mr Ng tell me about how to lessen the intensity of fear. Which when projected , could make things come true. And make cycles. He would say 转眼珠，右转三圈，左转无数圈

Its a practice of circling the eyeballs, to the right 3 times and to the left countless times as we go back to the past and experience a difficult time. And to breathe as we do that.

I thought about the logic of an anticlockwise turn.

Like Back to the Future.

Unwinding.

So i tried, and the feeling is different.

I am elated at this discovery. It seemed like so easy to think of, but I took quite a while.

I told Stephan that I was always looking for a new angle another perspective. Like the inflammation and keloids. I was sort of expecting it. Looking for the next point to manage the pus and blood. Its become something I have grown accustomed to, like a habit.

 So I need to get a grasp over myself in awareness right before I look for the next inflammatory point.

“The amazing thing is you have the awareness, you have the gift of expression, and that is very very precious. They way you describe brings me to places I can see. Awareness is the first step. And acceptance, without those experiences, you wouldn’t have been whom you are today. And then, the next is resolving bit by bit. 

You have incredible strength, and the people who support you, they go all out and they are here because of you. I m sure you can resolve this and heal and after that, you will be sharing this with a lot of people. Because you should.”

I told him about using my experiences.

I told him how much I loved my job, and gave him examples of how my stories would rescue me back. The chefs and their traits, were mirroring mine. There was a lot of resonance no matter how different we are. I told him about how Kisho’s chef had the habit of picking and finding things.

I told him about Shiro Tsujimura and how lunch at his place served by me, broke me down totally —yet it was so healing.

I told him even now I m amazed how I have done that kind of work with what I have——and the conclusion that I have had a lot of passion for expression. I told him, when I was down, words picked me up. There is a lot of power in words, and having witnessed that light and power, the least I could do is to USE my experiences, and to spin off something that could emit light.

So much content, looking back——-little wonder I was full and couldnt eat.