Woke up in the morning with the sun on my left.
I recalled what I said to Huaihao yesterday night before we slept. I said that the moon is on my left at night and so is the sun in the morning, how nice is that to be with the moon at moon and the sun in the morning? And when you look out, lying down, its the skies you see, lit by moonlight.
How easy is it? To find a unit like this. The unit finds you.
This morning I wanted to do some kriyas, and I did. Then reiki on myself. As usual, like how my teachers did, to set an intention and to ask the creator or angels or the gods who have been supporting me to preside over this session for healing and for myself.
When I moved to my heart center, understanding and realisation came to— me.
SH’s words of stepping up to take care of his daughters came to mind now that J is unwell. That sentence hit me when i heard it but i couldn’t say how and why. Until now in this session of self reiki. And it made me realise how powerful this session is and can be.
I was triggered not knowing until now.
I was in a similar situation. Mom was sick in hospital, in ICU as well, and that was when I needed direction, care and support, or love or security, —-I and probably my siblings wanted that —-so very much, even if I we did not verbalise it, dared not verbalise it, didn’t know how to verbalise this.
I remembered Mr Ng’s words: Always ask yourself—-why did this affect you? trigger you? what is it in this that is so affecting you? For other people this may not even matter. Because, just because you have something in you.
And so I have.
I find myself wanting SH to step up and do more, and asking myself if that is what J wants. Then it dawned on me—this is what I wanted in my time of that situation.
It does not matter what SH does or what J wants, TPY. I heard myself say.
Its what I want or wanted.
I wanted my dad to step up but I didn’t get that.
He failed me. He failed my expectations of him. I expected highly of him. But he didn’t reach my expectations. He didn’t take good care of mommy, he didn’t love her honour her appreciate her, he left it all to her and went away, when she passed on, i shouldered lots. He did not step up when I needed it most. Instead I had to cover for what was lacking. He didn’t do what I expected him to, what I expected him to.
He failed me considerably.
And I am ashamed to be his daughter I heard myself say.
That was what I felt then.
And I feel ashamed of having that feeling. I didn’t own it honour it. At that point in time.
And now I have come to.
And THIS, is BIG for me. This feeling then and now seeing this realisation.
And I have come to realise that what I did was to go on to cover up for this lack in my life as best I can. At work I went on to be the best and clinched the top position whenever I could, in person I made myself the goody the model I kept to standards and did the best I could—— even if I couldn’t and didn’t want to
Not knowing that this all stemmed from this lack.
And because the motivation was to cover up, to make up for a less illustrious past, I just couldn’t be proud of my achievements no matter how good how shining I was in my field. I was tired out because when I abandoned myself when I chose to adhere to standards or let some others have their way
Even if I were at the top, I was not proud of myself. Even when all were happy, I was not.
The motivation was just so wrong. To begin with. It was borne out of a lack and resulted in a less wholesome or fulfilling effect.
I heard myself rant at my dad for failing me, I ranted at him for his choices and I said all the things I might have some 20 years back, for failing me disappointing me, shaming me.
And that was me then. At that age with what knowledge of the world and what little wisdom I have.
In my habit, I tried to rationalize and go on to understanding my dad and why he did what he did. But do I have to really? As me at that point in time.
I took some moments to experience these and to allow them kin my body. All these that were not expressed or released then. I took the chance to allow them honour them. And—- let them go.
These realisations were huge. In a seemingly normal session, but so so so powerful. I thought of the headaches and mind fog I had.
I had been triggered unknowingly. And set myself into a state of dis-ease.
The old, it has a certain flavour in the mouth, something deep and difficult to rid of in the breath. In the mind, they arise as headaches, fogs, confusion, dis-ease and tiredness. And a feeling of blockage and inability to feel or numbness.
What was it? I kept asking.
And thinking wasn’t good.
Having a space to emptiness brought me answers and much needed relief and understanding to my pain and my needs.
Logically, I knew that my father had to make those choices because he only had those tools. Because so did I. I made those choices I had out of what little understanding I had out of the situation and —so did he.
If I wanted a way out badly, so did he.
For once, I felt I have succeeded at transcending and overcoming that hill of an experience. Like I climbed over a mountain.
I choose to forgive myself and to release all these ill informed or unwholesome intentions and actions and whatever has resulted from it all.
I give myself the opportunity to start afresh and in emptiness.
I m grateful for this session and this opportunity and I want to for once, right it. Too grateful and privileged to have the opportunity to restart, kickstart!
And now, I m and want to begin to be proud of myself——the point I start living and acting out of what I really want for myself, not because of the programs of habits or under the effect of experiences .
And i happen to see this: To deal with anything is to engage and entangle. Endless.—from John.
Sadhguru:”don’t make conclusions in your life”
It reminds me of what John says, “keep things open, once you make a conclusion, you collapse into only just one possibility, “
And so, I understand I have come into this because I wanted to be these situations to learn from them. And now, I cut away all karmic ties and connections, all spiritual contracts that I have made before this time.
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