I feel like I m in the old. Or my body went back to experience some old.

10 plus days ago, i started feeling dizzy and faint, now its as feel its a signal telling me the time machine is transporting me back to the old.

Feels like you are not grounded, sometimes you shift inside you, you get headaches, you cannot breathe, you feel tired your eyes cannot open, there is brain fog and you want to shut down.

You , not I, keep dozing off.

There is a strain on my neck and shoulders.

I tried to use my essential oils and they do help, i used clarity and it cleared things up, then the old came back.

I was trying to make sense of it.

What is this, is this something physical or did it start off in the mind? What did I do to bring about or—manifest this state?

In a session of breathing I got some insights.

These few days even if I were touched or moved, I couldn’t really cry. I was in some kind of a blocked state, I guess that is because my body cannot take things anymore, and so I couldn’t cry.

But in the breathing session my tears flowed.

This blocked state—–reminded me of the time I couldn’t cry in my life. When mom left and dad is half living, I couldn’t be myself, I had to be the bread earner, I had to be sister and mother to my siblings, and a daughter first——-where is TPY then? So how could I even cry?

I sort of felt like i had gone back to a state of the old, it was when difficulties enveloped me challenges engulfed me, and I lost TPY.

I saw or felt emotions then that were not released or were suppressed .

I took moments to experience them and allow them and felt them, i felt them in my body. And thanked them for their presence and released them,

I do not need them anymore.

Yesterday Huaihao took time to massage me. He gave me a shoulder massage for about 40 minutes and we spoke. I asked him how does he feel when mommy is tired, and he says, “sad”

I tried to massage his legs while he is massaging my shoulders and he takes my hands off and says, “just relax”. I asked him to stop after a while, or his hands might feel tired and he says, “its ok and it doesn’t even compare to what i do for me” and “its ok, anything that can make you feel better, just relax”

And then the machine calls for me and the kids help me out. I feel really blessed then. And Huaihao packs the sofa and the dining area and dries the kitchen top.

He says, “anything that can help mommy.”

That is battery , that gave me the realisation and almost, its a discovery—-because it opened my mind again, that whatever was past never should be in the present.

Huaihao gave me the courage to acknowledge this and to carry this out.

I tried to be independent of this circumstance. I did some yin yoga and relaxation poses

I sat and meditated

And hey!

I heard myself say just not too long ago- I want to do inner work

Isn’t my wish granted? Now

And another voice said: if all we have is the now, why- why do we even let the past take up this moment of now ?

When I washed the dishes the winds blew. I took the chance to be in and with it.

I make the decision to be in the now with the now.

I acknowledge and honour what last experiences I have and I can say that I do not need them now.

Thank you and goodbye !