写，给女儿
Tag: Parenting
8 Yrs 11 Mths
The kids did a staycay at ah yi’s and got treated to supper of popcorn and Find Nemo! The next day, they walked and ah yi brought them to breakfast in a mall—after 3 months of not visiting malls due to covid restrictions.
We did our walks when dad is not working and then had breakfast of croissants and cruffins. We used to walk every weekend but these weekends during the holidays, the kids have been at ah yi and popo’s and been missing out on all this training. It’s no wonder that they left off and find it hard to persist. But the sun and light was so good. Then we went to pray and give thanks to blessings for completion of the academic year
On another morning, we went by the canal as Huaihao wanted to teach me how to cycle. He was very patient and gave me instructions and advice. I learned how to balance. Then we headed to a bookstore as the kids wanted to read
On yet another day, dad and mom went out for the morning walk before coming back to pick qinzhi and huaihao for some freshly baked croissants . And when it rained, I passed hao the paper bag and he improvised this way
That evening, we headed to ah yi and grandpa’s for our weekly dinner and the kids got treated to Godiva’s. Hao massaged ah yi as usual
One week Ah Yi wanted to carry him
This is the christmas deco ah yi bought for Huaihao
One night we headed to Orchard Road just to bask in the christmas atmosphere. Due to Covid restrictions we couldn’t enter malls but we are not going to be stopped. Enjoy we did walking down Orchard Road, then had ice cream!
Hao hasn’t really been drawing of late, but its so nice to him decorate his timetable – to which he spells out time for using the ipad.
Other times he would spend it on lego mostly and this is one of his latest creations. Everyday he would make one to two new ones and he would tell me about it.
And one of his latest pleasures is talking to siri
This day we received a letter from MOE to say that Huaihao has been recognised for his consistent excellent work. So happy for Huaihao! Keep it up dearest!
One morning, we went for a walk to millennia walk. Seeing Huaihao in front, was symbolic, he was like my guide. His little legs carried him step by step, from East coast all the way to the central part of Singapore.
Then I had to reward him with Shake Shack
On another day, we headed to Orchard Road and spent the whole day shopping! It was one of the first times the kids went to a mall after so long, a few months of skipping malls and restaurants because we were not vaccinated,
We had Ootoya, bubble tea which they loved
When we came back, we were dead beat!
Chatted at bedtime with Huaihao, and I asked if I should continue with the second dose of the vaccination, to which he said, “you should never go back, you should go forward”
I argued with him that what if, what if, going backwards is one way to go forwards? I gave him some examples, and spoke about the side effects of the vaccination. To which he said, then its not a good government ! They are ruling with an iron fist! How can they, they will not be able to pay back a person, they wouldn’t be able to because that is that one lucky sperm (which came to fertilise the egg) and a person’s life is god’s gift! How can they do that to god’s gift—so rude!
Bedtime with Huaihao another night. There was a zoom session and Huaihao waited for me. I had him to thank when i finally sank into the bed, with him next to me and he says he loves me to the monad back a trillion QI times.
Asked him what QI means and he says it is more than trillion.
I gulped this down and swallowed to which he laughed. Then i spoke to myself, my cells, to use this wonderful love and light to heal the keloids, the cyst, the inflamed gums and wherever needs healing.
On mid december, we went for our first family camp, and this is about the first time Huaihao had the chance to mingle with kids other than school mates. Its also one of the rare times he gets to express his feelings in public for us.
And its been a while since we went jogging and walking about together as a family
After which we headed to Huaihao’s first school, Alexandra School before heading over to his new school Ngee Ann Primary School
We got him his books and school uniform. And there’s an agreement he has to sign on his responsibility as a primary school student of this school. How cute this is!
And after so long, Huaihao finally had a new hairdo!
Loving it so much! I love you Huaihao!
Our First Family Camp
Daddy’s mentor Glenn Lim organised a family camp and we took part. Nothing is coincidence as I know it, when I arrived I intended that this 3d2n session be truly transformative and healing for us.
Guess what?
It worked exactly the way I intended.
This was us heading over.
The first night there was an ice breaker session for the 5 families, after which the kids had a session with the mentors and wrote parents letters from their heart. This was what Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote, So daddy had been angry for a few days, and “stayed in his cave”, so Qinzhi was inspired to write this. After the camp, we had a dinner and sat down to chat, she said she wrote it because she wanted her dad to know the “pain we are going through, its like I m swearing inside me, if you are upset just say, why must you just keep quiet? “
And Huaihao added, “if you want to be out, you have to tell us where you are going so that we will not worry”
We also explored the 5 love languages
Day 2 was a games day. Families went back to kampung or village times and played games like 5 stones, pick up sticks, we folded paper aeroplanes and flew them, played zero point (challenged heights held by a rubber band rope) and used our legs to kick a featherpult
The last day, Glenn set the tone by first telling us about his rebellious youth and how he, who came from a broken family realised and found himself. For his life that has gone bad, his words were that, “i did not blame my family because life is like that, its messy”
Out of prison, he healed his family relationships. And went on to take a new life exploring psychology and psychosocial behaviour. He said he was glad to be able to tell his father that he love him and made up before his father passed on.
He next showed 2 videos, one of which is this, the semi-final of the Men’s 400 metres sprint where British Olympian Derek Redmond tore his hamstring and still finished the race limping while the crowd in the stadium gave him a standing ovation. Although Great Britains Redmond was disqualified and listed as “Did Not Finish” due to the outside assistance of his father finishing the race, this very inspirational race has become a well-remembered and inspirational moment in Olympic history – !
The world over, in headlines reported how he finished the race with his father
I was totally in tears—-because his father was with him. I thought of mine.
Glenn wanted to show that the kids had their internal struggles and it was important for parents to be with them.
Next he showed a video speaking of a parent’s hidden struggles, that of a little girl whose father lied to her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9kqjsH–do
The girl thought the world about her father, but realised that the father lied about having enough, having money, lied about his other life of struggling with work to make ends meet to make her happy. The last sentence was “my father lied because of me”
Seeing this made me break down.
It made me think of mine, yes my father lied to me too, and in a way, it was because of me, too. And those few moments of light and clarity made me know that this camp had turned out exactly the way I intended.
Then it was the kids turn to present and read to us what they wrote, Qinzhi broke down reading the first sentence. And it made me tear too. Those few moments, I could feel that she was thankful for me and what a journey we had gone through.
Qinzhi and Huaihao made me a better person than I was before I had them. And having them in my life, these teachers—I had never thought of them as little but as my equal all along—being a parent made me a better child.
In fact, bf had wanted me to see Glenn because he felt that I had to settle and heal the parts I have yet to so that I can be truly myself.
I think the 2 commercials and his sharing delivered the divine’s message to me.
After the camp when we had dinner and spoke to the kids about these 2 commercials, Huaihao and Qinzhi said this, “the daddy is a good and bad daddy because he lied”
I explained that no parents would want to lie to their precious kids . In the commercial, the daddy as well, he didn’t want the kid to worry and to have a happy childhood, that was why he shouldered the tough life. He did it all for his child he held so dear.
And Qinzhi and Huaihao added, “but I rather he said it as it is and be honest about it,”
Because that is what a family does-to be together.
And I remember very well. I said the exact same words to Mr Ng too about dad when left us. I said to Mr Ng too, that we could have gone through it all together as a family, and he needn’t hide from us–his family.
Huaihao was me and I was Huaihao, we echoed the same thoughts. And this video was powerful to show me that my dad lied to me, because of me. That was the point of difference. For me. Because of me. And how can I still, have the heart of blame?
It was as if—the muddy cleared up in a split second and all the anguish pain suffering frustration hate anger —–was blown off.
In that sense, this camp has been doing the work for me. Truly thankful. Utmost thankful.
For Qinzhi
Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.
On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.
I wrote this for Qinzhi
And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.
And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.
I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem
I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature
Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty
An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing
I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白
And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.
I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.
At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.
I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.
And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.
Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.
I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst
And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.
I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.
When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.
I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.
And so I release them, and myself.
Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.
I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.
Om!
12 Years 9 Months
On this day, Qinzhi graduated from primary school. If it hadn’t been Covid, we would have been at school clapping when she goes on stage. But we clapped all the same at home watching the YouTube link shared by the school
YouTube link: https://youtu.be/X_O47QDQ00A
1 hour after starting on play.
And she wrote this for her Chinese teacher
Where has time gone? My little princess has even her own TikTok now
The days fade into time and only the events pop up now. And the subtle things like how she bit my nipple when the nurse first put her on my chest right after coming out of me. Like how she warmed my hands when I was at my weakest.
It was in 2018 december that Qinzhi had her first experience of focal epilepsy.
With medical advice to keep piling on medication, I felt a nudge in me that says —-there must be some other way out, there must be. I went to seek the advice of John and the community. And was given a protocol to calm and ground Qinzhi . John says that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Qinzhi and encouraged me to ground her—this crystal child who is extremely sensitive to energies around her. He asked us to keep the energies in the house stable. He commented that if I changed, she changes. He recommended simple things like eating clean, stem cell therapy everyday, the importance of mineral essence and super b to ground her nervous system. I did raindrop for Qinzhi every single night with the oils suggested.
After 2 plus years, the doctor says that we can consider cutting down on medication should there be no further episodes. A few weeks back qinzhi went for an EEG and the after so long, the doctor agreed that we can cut down on medication.
This is one very wonderful piece of news and I have John and the community to thank. I asked Qinzhi what is the best news and she says it has to be this/
She has grown so much since then. Into the little lady she is now
Qinzhi is this playful happy child who would not stop at “mischief” and playthings like this, like if anyone came by for delivery, she would go “Hello”. When daddy did his art tests before he went for work in this covid situation, qinzhi would partake in the live test with his boss and say Hello to his boss too.
She is this happy expressive joyful spirit I never knew before the seizure events. Today we are managing this together as we had for the past 2 plus years. As much she changed, I did too in my own way. She’s taught me too much, about essential oils. About the process, about healing and healing together. I left my job to heal with her and I think that was the best decision I made in my life. When I heal, my mother and daughter heals. I experience this for myself. And the road to healing is a long one. :like the peeling of the onion skin.
This is the painting she did for her own room. And gengyan jiujiu says she should explore art further. I think so too. And Qinzhi is someone who thinks when she moves. She is dancing really well to kpop and doing lots of exercises to keep fit and in shape these days.
School’s out and Qinzhi got an award for being a “character champion” in school; shining for the way she is. I think in life, results carry you only to a certain distance, but the character you hold is with you for life. We spent some time clearing away the old textbooks and worksheets.
A while ago, the parent chat group sent out an invitation for parents to write a letter to our children who would be receiving the letters on the day of receiving PSLE results, as an active way of informing the kids, that the results do not define them.
We were let known that the results will be released on the 24th November and Qinzhi has asked me to bring her to school to collect her results.
More photos here: https://photos.google.com/share/AF1QipPt_Yat5WfZwIaMJhdRNPY96GvKenBeLwNWjhTeqoZZttX2ysHK-K5VdAwwLlSEIg?key=S1pLMlJaMDVHT0huVXR0bTVnYm9xLXJCb3VhTlpB
The 17th is Ah Mei ah Yi’s birthday, and Qinzhi wrote ah yi a card and a letter. I think its pretty well articulated and heartfelt. Then she helped ah yi make bread and videoed the process
Dear Qinzhi, your perception and generous heart, kindness is a gift from the divine. Math science english or academic results will not make life easy and happy for you, but learning to appreciate and honour the gifts of perceptiveness and use your magnanimity and generosity will help you go far,
Remember that you are one and only, always and ever precious.
Love you so much! Ever so precious Qinzhi!
8 Yrs 9 Mths
Huaihao had a chance to be alone in the house on my birthday. Dad went out not knowing I left the house in the morning with zhi. And Huaihao ended up being alone.
He called me and cried. It was his first, being home, alone.
And there’s the weekend morning runs and competitions, and Huaihao would do his best to win so as to get an açai on his own. One day, I said to Huaihao, who has won before: shall we let zhi have a taste of being the first? And he said, that is unfair to ask of him, because he would be working hard on his own and would want to see how far he can go too. One time he ran his best and won but afterwards ended up vomiting on the expressway, I held his hand and walked with him.
And typically we would eat after the runs and be goofing around somewhere
And we did popsicles at home
One morning Huaihao went bicycling with dad
And we had a picnic by the beach
His current faves at this point
At bedtime, HuaiHao asked if I feel better now that I am not working. I said yes and no because there’s the finances part which I might have to be careful about
And he said, “but what’s the point of money if you do not feel free ? There is no point in earning money right if you don’t even have time to eat lunch or do what you like. ”
Then he cupped my face in his hands and said “ keep well mommy”
I asked why and he said , “ because you are cute”
He says that daddy is always in a dungeon and in his own cave and he finds it hard to express himself. But why? “Just spit it out!”
When he saw me scratching my keloids, he said, “ don’t scratch, just breathe and think of other things “
On my birthday,Huaihao came to kiss me good morning and say happy birthday this morning.
I remember how huaihao sang the loudest when we have the cake and I kept looking at huaihao and he kept looking at me. At bedtime he said it was because its my birthday so of course he had to look at me.
And I told him that i almost felt emotional and want to cry and i felt like if i continued looking at him, we were almost locking eyes,, he would too.
To my surprise, Huaihao said, “let it out, don’t keep it inside, emotions are like the clouds and they will be blown away by the winds. So let it out, don’t keep on to them.”
We chat. Huaihao was saying happy birthday to me —with so much love and i felt so cherished —-at almost every juncture he could find. He told me about how he planned for my birthday.
“I told papa that mommy’s birthday is coming tomorrow so what should we get? Then I said mommy likes to write so maybe we can get a book. We went to Popular but did not find anything nice, I told papa, can we get something better for mommy?
HuaiHao chose this present for me because I told him I liked to write and that he told me I should do the things I like.
Love you so much!
12 Years 6 Months
Its been a close to 1 plus months since we moved in and Qinzhi has been enjoying her own room, space is great, in fact Qinzhi is loving her own space. Once Daddy was working night and I invited the kids to bunk in with me, with Qinzhi couldn’t sleep, at the end she headed back into her own space.
Where once she needed us, now she needed her own space more.
One weekend, we woke up at 6am on the public holiday and headed off towards the beach, striving for MBS and Dad gave everyone a treat without us requesting.During which, he apologised to Qinzhi. He told Qinzhi about his story when he young and explained how because of those experiences, he was acting out of those experiences.
I was observing Qinzhi and she was on the brink of tears, but she sort of controlled them.
Another week, we headed over to the Jewel, finding east and the sun in our walk.
Yet on another weekend, we found rain in our footsteps and we had to be at ease and patient with the rain in the underpass.
On yet another we walked to MBS and had the kids’ favourite breakfast of fish burger. Another week, we picked up bento sets and found another outdoor area, then pigged in. It was nothing the kids had before—experiences like these,
There was nowhere to eat at but in the open, with Covid playing out and rules and restrictions in place. Still, it falls nothing short of a great experience really and I believe the kids will remember in time to come.
Qinzhi says, when the sun rises, you rise too. So simple so beautiful so powerful—— qinzhi’s captured the feeling of rising.
On a weekend, we walked to MBS but she went too quickly and in the midst of it, felt faint. I motivated her to walk to get up and go —- no matter how tired how strengthless how much she needed water
She stopped on the bridge and we talked. We saw the national day flypasts of the jets and we talked
Maybe in time, Qinzhi will remember or forget this. But we shared these moments together.
Meanwhile, I took Qinzhi to trim her hair. And while fear is in her habit, she managed to get past and let me know that she did like her new look.
I prepared a shower gel with EO for her and asked her to prepare a tag. She did this which I love greatly not knowing why
But afterwards realised that—QInzhi’s gone completely opposite of what I would do, where I was efficient she was extremely great at taking her time, when i pursued the best of results listening to what my Mommy wanted me to, she took it her way. When I did not treasure myself, she said this and reminded me to
And now I do, it’s about (learning and trying your best to remember to never let go of) appreciating and loving oneself no matter what.
Merry Christmas 2020
Huaihao taught me another lesson on the wee hours of Xmas day.
We were prepping presents for folks like grandpa, who drove the kids to school , for hui and popo, for Karyn’s dad who bought the kids presents on Xmas every year….
But in all the recent busying and getting frustrated over seemingly bad behaviour of the kids, we forgot about presents in stockings.
It was close to midnight and Huaihao couldn’t sleep.
HuaiHao: How does Santa get into the house mommy?
Me: You know like in storybooks? There’s always a chimney somewhere?
Huaihao (leading): When is he coming mommy? I am waiting and I cant sleep!
Then I remembered. Wherever is that recyclable stocking from Daiso?! We threw it away when we moved didn’t we? In our old flat, we would hang a stocking on the door’s handle and it will be filled with presents the kids wake up to.
Daddy would buy presents. Did he this year?
I suddenly realised how much presents in stockings mean to the kids.
Huaihao: Mommy, does Santa know we moved? What if he goes to our old house?
Christmas Day Teaching with Huaihao: Be careful what you throw. Especially the very things that carry hopes and dreams. We forgot about the presents in the dailyness of life. I didnt think Daddy remembered about putting presents into the stockings.
We forgot about how this all meant to the kids.
We forgot the magic.
And so, forgot to make magic.
7 Yrs 8 Mths
It was bedtime as usual.
But the message my son brought me isnt usual,
I forgot what we were talking about, but I was exposing him to the idea that for some schools of thought, the soul moves on when its time for the body to retire
And Huaihao was asking me, how does the soul move on? “Because like great grandmother, she’s burnt into ashes already so how does she become another person ?”
I m not too sure myself but I brought up the word reincarnation. It must be the first time Huaihao heard this word.
Then he said, “Mummy, can you live a happy and healthy life ? Otherwise I would be so sad when you pass away. If you live happily and healthily, I will be only worried when you are 90 or 80. And how old are you already?”
I cannot imagine how much I mean to Huaihao, much as I may not know how much I mean to my mother, my father, and equally, I may not know how much they mean to me.
But Huaihao’s words put things into perspective for me.
Amidst of all unhappiness, challenges, miscommunication, lack of communication and satisfaction, Huaihao’s words helped put things into perspective.
To rise above it all, and to put effort into living happily and healthily. These are the most important and precious in life. And living happily and healthily, isnt this THE MOST important thing, nothing else can rise up to?
Its almost like anger meeting with his words and retreating instantly dissolving into nothingness.
I remember the day he was born, I wrote a long reflection which said that Huaihao ‘s gift was for me to do all that I did not have a chance to, I did not use the epidural, I did all the traditional confinement stuff no matter how hard, I drank gallons of red date tea. Huaihao is a constant reminder, inspiration and light to search for new pathways and not be satisfied with what has been done.
And how to live happily and healthily? But for you, I will. I will try my very best to live happily and healthily for you.
Thank you teacher! And it feels like these words came from somewhere deeper, further, wiser.
It was bedtime as usual
HuaiHao says, “ mommy, it feels like you are happy on the outside but sad inside. Is it because I hurt my head and my lips?”
How can HuaiHao be so perceptive ?
11 Years 4 Months
My dear Qinzhi
I hear you sing and it is too precious. I texted daddy. Ah mei ayi, gengyan jiujiu, and said to them this: “Qinzhi’s singing is so precious ! I m so thankful we can bring her here from where she was! And it’s because of you all ”
It seems that you have really grown up.
And what is this supposed to mean?
Because Huaihao succumbed to high fever, Qinzhi decided to sleep on your own in your bed in your pinky room, although it was subtle, I felt a greater gap which came about to signify your faster than ever growing up as an individual. As we stop sleeping on the same bed, I begin to think of the times, I had to wake up almost every night to pick up the bolster you kicked off the bed, I recalled the times I had to wake up when your legs slanted and came over to my side
On on hindsight, it was Qinzhi’s way of telling me she wanted me badly——even in sleep. Even in sleep she wanted me very badly. I thought of the times I had to wake up to cover her in blanket each time she kicked them off.
And I woke up in the middle of the night to now open the door of her room, to check on her.
And this is exactly how every parent feels I guess, not daring to let go.
Anyway, in the holidays we had, Mommy made lots for Qinzhi and Huaihao . A friend sent us a past and pizza package, to make it fun, Mommy made lots you two could on to draw to decide who does the pizza and who makes the pasta, but in the end, both got to work on both pizzas and pastas! So, Yay!
Qinzhi is now a young lady, of her own already. And I could subtly feel how our communication has evolved. These nights I popped over to see her more, now that she is in her own room. The time when I did raindrop on Qinzhi was extremely precious, we chat about school, work, teachers, rainbow forest, everything. And when Qinzhi is in the dome, and whenever I asked questions, Qinzhi would use her toes to answer me, and we would both break out in laughter! So happy!
And I couldn’t be more thankful. And I expressed my appreciation for John who showed us the way to healing Qinzhi, and I couldn’t be more happy and grateful, that I had the opportunity and the privilege to quit to be with Qinzhi.
And because Mommy bought Ziyi and popo organic vegetables, Davina brought you some honey jelly ——–that’s the energy exchange inherent and essential to life. there is always an equal and opposite reaction, an echo to your actions.
Then we baked cookies n made more ice cream !
And Yiyi and popo bought Qinzhi’s favourite ——the ang ku kueh
And dumplings home made!
Yiyi and popo missed Qinzhi, whenever they called, Qinzhi would exclaim in joy, yi! po! I want to go to Pasir ris ! I miss your curry, I want to eat curry!
And that was what yiyi cooked, she cooked curry for qinzhi and lor bak with lots of quail eggs for hao. She prepared all the frozen mince meat , fish and scallops and got ah hao gorgor to send it all over. There’s even bao for huaihao in the red bean flavour he likes.
And at home, mommy cooked lots too, mommy did vegan pulled pork burger using the oyster mushroom, and did a vegan mayo, paired it with a keto ciabatta, vegan cheese and truffle chips!
I panfried tempeh and made a satay dip. I roasted veg of all colours, hoping to find something you and huaihao would like.
And you and Huaihao continued to build amazing houses, train houses etc with peculiar functions and stories.
Then you exercised on zoom with Gengyan and Karyn
In June, you would go to school in weeks 1 and 3, while HuaiHao goes to school on weeks 2 and 4, and it gives me lots of good time with you even if you are busy on zoom.
And you would enjoy so much the time at home, because “Mommy can babysit me” and because it was pretty relaxing, I slept while you zoom-ed, and you remarked that you were babysitting me.
That was so adult a statement to make, and it made me feel like I am indeed growing old and could do with some pampering from you, determined to soak up all the goodness you would shower upon me.
My dear, May you be well and happy! SO in love with you!
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