I wanted to start out saying how did love go so wrong.

That was when I started running today. After so long I picked it back. And it was with a lot of anger, frustration, grievances, so so much unhappiness.

I wasn’t really able to do anything about it- as much as I read about all these practices of shaking, qi gong, and other somatic practice . They offered relief but I needed more. So I thought about running.

It all started with the kids going out at each other, arguing for seemingly nothing. And the hubby joining in to stop them but it went so wrong because he was in anger- read triggered. I was able to hold the fort for only a while. 2 days to be exact before everything came to me in full swing.

I could only understand it this way. All these years of practice helped me see everything outside of me is a mirror and happening to me for me.

There were some words the hub used that got me, such as explaining to HuaiHao that Qinzhi shouted because she doesn’t see other choices, such as saying how inflated the kids are thinking they are god or the boss. And how mommy did awesome at inflating them. The last few straws were him telling me to take Qinzhi to Changi for her sports meet because he is going for his walk. I didn’t like the idea of being left with no choice. And he said that it shouldn’t be that I open my mouth and ask for things and get it.

Why can’t I? If he loves me?

As much as I like it or don’t like it, there are lots to savour in this episode no, series.

The children were out of place, as rightly put by the hub. Inflated.

And I have been out of place- doing more than I should for them , overcompensating for my own lack in my own life where I grew and became so much more because ——mommy hasn’t been around.

I took that as a lack rather than as a fertile ground for growth. And in the event of it, I did what my mommy didn’t. I mothered my brother my family, being responsible for more than what a daughter could , I took it all upon myself and shouldered all the burdens on me.

And how is that novel? My mother did more than she could – she went out of her way, sacrificing her life for the family, putting herself last.

She became the leader. And I did. And Qinzhi did as well, she mothers HuaiHao and teaches him like a parent as in school, she triumphs and feel good when given a role of leadership—— all telltale signs of how strong the womenfolk in my tribe are.

This was helped by the lack of a stronghold of fatherly figures in me and my hub’s tribe. Father figures seem meek in comparison to the feminine counterparts. In my hubby’s case, the father figure was absent. Pretty much in mine too. And it also worked in the way when mothers are so strong, the fathers cannot show up.

The balance was thwarted and was even more distorted when we tried to compensate – out of love.

Or- was it to control?

Everyone was out of place. Everything was out of place.

And that made me so cross. Did I came back to the family 4 years ago for this situation now? What did I do or not do to bring it here? I feel so much pain.

And most of all, I couldn’t take the feeling of failing, failing myself.

And if we accept the premise that we all had the choice, I asked why then did I choose this path?

What was I thinking then when I made the choice? What was I wanting to explore?

And in my run, I heard back. One was love, what is love and what is love that is “right”? And is this love that has been “wrong”?

The journey made me open to love, how to love , what is love, tough love …./

The other answer I heard was I wanted to explore leaving on a high note or letting go at a high – which I have at the peak of my career 3 years back . And therefore I wanted to explore finding myself . Honestly, I haven’t been so unclear of my trajectory. I have been so focused and results oriented in school and at work. I went for it and took what I wanted.

But is that TPY?

As I ran, I heard the voice went- you wanted to explore taking off again.

YOU taking off. Not for any other. I heard this voice say, all the rest all the time that has gone by was to ready you for this flight. This take off.

And I am thankful for this opportunity. I know I am truly blessed. If not I wouldn’t be here to see this.

If not I wouldn’t have felt the love from source so clearly yesterday.

I asked actually: what is my relationship with god or the creator or Buddha?

If I have doubts , yesterday I clearly felt the love. The grace. The lesson was delivered gently and I am assured I have been supported and guided.

I came to know how (much) I erred . I was pushing too hard, controlling too much . Distorting reality and people and all this came right back at me. The pain and anger I felt of a distorted me.

And never have I want to “come back” so much.

To “come back” to my place – I guess that is what I want to explore going forward.

To come back to know one’s place. That day Qinzhi reminded HuaiHao : “ do you even pray to god? Do you even know there is god?”And HuaiHao retorted to Qinzhi: “ I do not live there.”

I remember myself reminding him how egoistic and prideful that is.

But now I see how these are all reminders for me.

To know one’s place radically changes everything. Every single thing about one’s existence.

I asked about my relationship with god and got a reply with the feeling yesterday, yes there is a HE HIM and a bigger hand up there- in control.

And never were we – once, in control. I lost sight and myself in this exercise and exploration of control. I was inflated and so were my kids. And the lesson was delivered to me so beautifully with so much grace at where went wrong with my kids showing to me. Grace grace and so much grace.

While I am still trying to map out and strike a balance between surrendering myself and taking initiatives, I know there is a plan for me which will work its way out in the right time.

Interestingly, a few opportunities have popped up in the last few days and I am still feeling my way with them.

Each of them seemed right in some ways and some were definitively not so me.

Which begs the question: who is TPY ? What is she here for? What does she want?

But in an almost dreamy state yesterday night, it came to my realization that in listening I learned the most. As a listener with an open heart, life happens to me in the most beautiful ways. In a bigger picture, in a receiver mode. I’m always giving and have difficulty receiving. But in that mode, life happens in miracles

I remembered looking at the night sky outside of the plane window on my way back from Seoul . A thousand thousand stars shine bright, each of them a sun and revolving around them an entire planetary system

I asked myself then: where is my place in this big big space ?

And I got my reply loud and clear. From my kids who answered me – by them being out of place speaking down to us at us——- I have been seriously out of place in this big big space .

I recently thought about beauty more strongly. Beauty in nature was what rescued me time and again. I thought about experiencing beauty and expressing it outwards in the hope of striking a chord. In the hope of connecting with another. Of saying out something (for) another who wouldn’t be able to put in words. Of being another’s voice. As much as I have been warmed by words of resonance, I want to pass this on and in so creating warmth and light for the purpose of having another feel uplifted enough and feeling hopeful enough to try again.

And I ask for guidance each step of the way. To show me the path.

In which I will be living my highest, joyfully blooming and shining bright in HIS plan, as an instrument or medium relating or translating his messages.

WOW