Autumn in Japan

Autumn in Japan

Day 1

And so we are off to Japan.

We did not plan for it but somehow we managed to get a redemption on an SQ flight to Nagoya.

I looked back at what I said previously, that I want to experience the four seasons in Japan. We visited Japan last December during winter, then in spring we headed to Fukuoka , in summer we did Kyoto .

I have always read about how you just need to know what you want – not how to do it.

And I get the idea now- this is how the universe does it.

Bf was in a low – he said he was demoralized due to work incidents but somehow this culminated in a trip to japan

I managed to put together a trip in a matter of days and the flight costs was manageable because we could redeem our miles

As I walked towards the aircraft, I can’t help but felt thankful

I learnt a few things in the last few days

– respect another’s journey

With bf and his low, we all wanted to do help and do something

We can try our best but like HuaiHao said, – it will work only if someone wants that help- enough

– talk it out on the table

I could feel bf happy as he stepped into the aircraft

I felt happy myself – thankful for the opportunity of a trip

Bf said he wanted to go to somewhere quiet and thankfully dad can help with the kids

It’s been quite a while since we took off on an afternoon flight and it was almost drizzling at ground level but as we flew up and out of the weather

Now that’s a teaching !

Day 2

We drove to wakayama , had some food at kurushio market and headed to Yuasa to get soy sauce at Kadocho
Founded in 1841, this brewery contributes a large part in the history of Yuasa soy sauce brewing.

Then we drove to Koya

A UNESCO-recognized World Heritage Site, Koyasan is a historic temple town located in the mountainous regions of the Kii Peninsula. It is the birthplace of the Shingon Buddhism, drawing plenty of pilgrims and tourists alike.

Koyasan is magical.

Somehow as the car weaves into the mountain or into place , the heart kind of opened up

Located 800m above sea level in the basin of an eight-peaked mountain, this small temple town is where the Shingon sect of Buddhism was founded in the early 800s. Today, there are 117 temples here, along with a collection of unmissable spiritual sites. This includes the sacred Danjo Garan complex in the centre of Koyasan, home to several temple buildings and the 49m tall Great Pagoda


Considered the heart of Koyasan, Danjo Garan Sacred Temple Complex houses the statue of Dainichi Nyorai (main Buddha) and the Konpon Daito (Great Pagoda).

Somehow in the air , it kind of felt like there’s a grounding force which stills you

We found our way to Fuzen to try the Sasamaki Anpu, these are small wheat-starch parcels flavoured with mugwort and filled with a sweet bean paste wrapped in bamboo grass leaves

Then as we strolled in the little town getting traditional sweets from kasakuni

Then we found ourselves at ekoin

We did a simple Ajikan meditation and a monk was explaining to us what to do

He made some points which were interesting intriguing and important

For example, how we sit , his advice is to lift the pelvic area so that that area is tense but the rest of the body is relaxed

He suggests moving the body from side to side and front to back to find a comfortable position

He suggest to half close our eyes, so that we can see the world but not get too relaxed

And if something comes to mind, look at it as if it were a pebble in the garden. Look at the garden not the pebble

He suggests once we think of anything , first create space in the mind

And that if we are able to control our breathing we would be able to control the mind

He says the goal of the meditation is to become one with the cosmic Buddha and the universe

Of course he reminded us to do this meditation everyday even if it were for 5 min

It made me think what true balance is – it’s a play between tension and relaxation and enough of both to set either element in place or rather- in check

And in the temple you can hear quiet . It’s so quiet it made you think what sacred is or means to you

We had shojin ryori for dinner

Day 3

We woke up and attended a morning prayer ceremony which involved some chanting and an offering of incense to the Buddha

Then we headed over to another small shrine and experienced the fire ceremony

Called the Goma fire ritual – I read that not all temples at koya held this every morning. But at Ekoin, it’s an everyday affair

“The Goma (Homa) Ritual of consecrated fire is unique to Vajrayana and Esoteric Buddhism. It is performed for the benefit of individuals, the state or all sentient beings in general. The consecrated fire is believed to have a powerful cleansing effect spiritually and psychologically. The fire symbolizes the wisdom of the Buddha and the wood sticks symbolize human desires (the root of suffering). the Buddha burns away the root of our suffering as we pray for our wishes to come true. Flames can sometimes reach a few meters high.

You could pray for the well-being of your family, recovery from illness, traffic safety, prosperity to the business and school success.” —— from the Ekoin website

The ceremony involved a monk chanting , and beating the drum . He observed another monk at the alter- who was involved in carrying out the main ritual of lighting the fire , burning wood and throwing some rice and others , and hand gestures into the fire as the ceremony progressed

Before this you would be writing your name and wish on a wood panel and the monk would put this into the fire to burn

The ceremony was just 20 minutes but it felt like there was a lot of content and cultural significance

Simply putting everything aside and Experiencing the fire in front of you , wood chips burning and cracking in the air made a lot of sense

It was a purification of sorts putting something out you want to release and handing it to the fire

Somehow the mood lightened as the ceremony progressed – like a weight lifted

We checked out and drove through the winding mountains down south towards Kumano

And it just made you stop to be

Be with the winding roads

It’s so beautiful with sunlight passing through foliage and thrown in the roads

And the beauty is having bf resonating with this feeling

So beautiful I said and he nodded

So just take time and be with the roads and let it show you the way (out)

Discover with it

After a 3 hour drive, we found our way to the Nachisan area, which is home to Japan’s longest waterfall-Nachi

There’s a shrine there and you could light a piece of wood and offer a prayer

We then hiked up to the Seiganto-ji Temple with its vibrant red pagoda.

There’s a camphor tree there and if you went through it it is dark and signifies the womb or a rebirthing process and you would then come out to light

You just felt very open as you reach the top

Affording myself a view with a little climb. And what- will you (choose to) afford yourself this day?

Then we continued our way down and drove to Kawayu onsen

It’s a quiet place and you could see people using a shovel to dig a hole in the river to get the underground hot spring water bubbling

We did our hot spring soak and it’s so good it made me think what made me so tired

It made me know that I have spent too much effort pursuing

How about this- just allow things to come to me

Day 4

We did a short 1km hike/walk on the kumano path at Fushiogami back to Kumano Hongu Taisha, one of the three revered Kumano Sanzan shrines.

Fushiogami means to kneel down and worship

At this viewpoint, ancient pilgrims first saw a view of Kumano Hongu Taisha in the distance and that moved them to their knees in prayer.

How much of a journey must that be for one to get down on the knees to pray?

I read here that in the mid Heian era, a great poet-Izumi Shikibu once embarked on a pilgrimage to Kumano Hongu Taisha from Kyoto. Less than 3 km from her destination, her period began unexpectedly. Thinking that she has lost her chance of worshiping the Kumano gods, she composed this poem:

晴れやらぬ身のうき雲のたなびきて

月のさわりとなるぞ哀しき

Beneath unclear skies, my body obscured by drifting clouds, I am saddened that my monthly obstruction has begun

That night, one of the Kumano gods appeared in Izumi’s dream as Buddha Amida and replied to Izumi.

もろともに塵にまじはる神なれば

月の障りもなにか苦しき

How could the god who mingles with the dust suffer because of your monthly obstruction?

Openness and acceptance is a fundamental theme of the Kumano faith. This beautiful story has been retold to emphasize that Kumano does not exclude anyone from worshipping. I take it one step further as a reminder to acknowledge the divinity in each and every being.

I read after that the Fushiogami-Oji Forest walk is one of the 100 therapeutic walk spots in Japan.

And before long we are on the hike!

We then drove to Ise and had a good time at the old town which exudes authentic atmosphere of a traditional Japanese town

We didn’t really have time to visit Ise-jingu Shrine’s Inner Shrine.

Oharaimachi features old-fashioned residences lining a stone-paved thoroughfare. Here you’ll find an impressive array of Japanese cuisine, traditional craftwork, and an enormous variety of souvenirs. The street runs parallel to the Isuzu River, where broad paths along the banks make for a nice walk if you need a break from the seasonal crowds.

Apparently , pilgrimages to sacred areas around Japan grew in popularity from the early 1600s with the end of the violent Sengoku civil war period. As Shinto’s most sacred site, Ise-jingu Shrine was no exception.

Most commoners who lived far from Ise could not afford the journey, so communities would pool their resources and send a single villager to make the pilgrimage on their behalf. With the influx of worshippers came money for food, accommodation, and entertainment. Oharai still prospers as a pilgrimage center to this day.

We had lots to eat too, such as the thick chewy Ise udon, traditional Japanese sweets

We stayed overnight at Gero onsen and then made our way to the morning market ideyu after that drove for about 2 hours to kamikochi

This is a place I have been when I was about 26-27 and it’s been almost 20 years now

Looking at this, the little roar of the river, the winds, the sky and then sun the clouds, the question that came begging at the mind was- 我要多么 坚持才可以跟你来这里?

How much endurance would I need to be able to come here with you

Anything lesser would not cut it

Anything lesser than any of my experiences would not have brought me here

The winds kind of brought them all out.

We stayed at Miyama Ouen at Hirayu Onsen and had a pretty good time

Dinner and breakfast was a course by course event and you could slow down and enjoy dining

there’s the onsen bath which is kind of a newfound love, I love how the heat seeps into the body and warms it up

Day 6

We came back to Kamikochi on a early bus ride

When we got to Taisho pond, the early morning mist was still there

And we walked up towards kappabashi in about an hour passing by a view point for mount yaka date, an active volcano

It was lovely to see how the light changes the atmosphere and the landscape

Passed by kappabashi and continue towards Myojin pond – and finding back a soba place and the river which we used to be at when we came the last time

And what would you like to do going forward TPY?

I would like to travel and see the world, be one worth nature, meet beautiful inspiring people and devote time to meaningful causes and to have the freedom of time and in life I want to continue writing or creating content that is close to heart and warms people , giving light and hope

Day 7

We left Hiroyu Onsen and drove down to Kiso, the valley of hundred year old cypress or hinoki, did first bathing at akasawa in the late morning-it is said that this is the very place which gave birth to the concept of forest bathing

in the forest, the trees have started to change colour, there’s yellow of all shades, oranges and red. And what-actually made the colours change?
Like a hurrah before the cold comes? Changes and perceived impending changes always get things out of us-and maybe nature too ?

we stopped for food at a 300 year old soba place and chanced upon a shop which does laquerware-which this area is famous for , and got to know that lacquer tree produces sap that is of a limited quantity -just 200cc of lacquer juice can be retrieved from a lacquer tree and the sap juice actually changes colour in contact with air . For darker colour lacquer, the odour is actually achieved through the addition of iron powder,’

We then weave our way down the valley and past Tsumago into Magome, these are post towns which let people stop and rest while they commute in between Kyoto and Tokyo.
By the time we reach Magome, the sun is near to setting and a lot of shops have closed.
But the town is quiet with few visitors and the feeling is serene -as how it is when things have settled.

The next drive was to tajimi and for some supermarket and shopping before checking in.

Day 8

We checked out the ceramic town of Tajimi and had lots of good time strolling the Honmachi oribe street which has a lovely collection of mino pottery stores. There were lots of artistic pottery work and a limit to what I could bring back home-but the joy seemed to be made bigger this way, not because you could buy everything you wanted back home but really- because you couldn’t

We then did shopping at Toki, there’s the premium outlet and Aeon mall and then drove to the airport . And this -along with lots of packing, concluded the trip!

Japan is so beautiful snd there’s a wealth of choices everywhere -whether it be culture, food or shopping. It is so nice to be able to some time here this season-to feel the feeling of being in season, to have the opportunity to be in place, to just see, breathe, walk, and bathe in autumn’s foliage, meeting with the autumn wind. In so doing, receiving the splendour and richness of nature.

Happy Birthday TPY

Happy Birthday TPY

Happy birthday TPY!

On your birthday just past midnight HuaiHao woke up specially at 1230am to say happy birthday

And before he slept he said happy birthday to you in advance

On your birthday throughout, he kept kissing you and saying happy birthday

And Qinzhi specially went out to get this printed

And the hubby got you a present

I know you now more than ever. I love you now more than ever.

Thank you for being the way you are- nothing more nothing less

Thank you for persevering persisting and never giving up.

Thank you for making all the changes and adjustments to bring out a better version of yourself

Thank you for doing all that you have for your family out of love

Thank you for making all the choices you did saying all that you have writing all that you had

I’m so proud of you

I’m more than ever –

so grateful for you and to be you

You are one amazing wonderful being , so blessed in each and every way

I ask that you have absolute trust and faith in yourself your power your light your magic

I’m so glad you had a chance to feel divinity and being one with divinity

And I wish you good food great health vitality lots of love blessings joy happiness and light.

10 Years 8 Months

10 Years 8 Months

Huaihao is almost finished with P4, and a big boy already

One weekend, I convinced him to walk with me, treated him to toast and eggs and chocolate and he became my helper when i did grocery.

I love being in the sun, and happy that the little one is with me in the breeze

MBS sent me mooncakes and Huaihao is channeling the foodie, he did a video to unbox and had fun tasting

And this is him doing my moynat a catwalk service

I love it when he comes to me at the computer, knowing i m busy, he would hug me massage me kiss me

I spoke to HuaiHao and told him I was feeling slightly down, and I like to speak to him and he is almost like a friend now. One day I told him i m feeling down and he came to me, sat on my thighs and hugged me close.

His words were, “ you can’t please everybody.”

Wow.

At bedtime, I asked him if I was doing alright for the interview and he went, no. After which he said, “ I take that back. I mean, so what if people don’t like you. I mean, what can you do about it? And what has it got to do with you? You got to carry on living right?”

And then he said, “in your books, your world can be square.”

I tried to make sure he knew what he was saying. So I asked.

”it means in your world, you can do anything you like.”

On another occasion, I showed him two pieces of my work and ask him to critique and he said of my original- people in business don’t need flowery language, they don’t have time for it and they just want to get to the point.

you don’t need the words and phrases the words and phrases need you

One night , we spoke as usual and I asked HuaiHao to give me an advice he feels like- he thought for a while and said, “ touch grass when you need to. It means take a break whenever you need. It’s important to take small breaks you know.”

HuaiHao slept next to me and when I came to sleep at 2am he was roused. He opened his eyes , cupped my face in his hands and moved to kiss me

I only asked myself to bathe in that love

Another night,

I used to ask HuaiHao how is his day when we lay in the bed and now I find it surprising that he is asking me that

I told him all about mine and the littlest things. Such as asking the COMO hotel GM to tell us about her after she gave us a tour of the property. And that was what I learnt from Cedric Grolet ‘s interview when he talked about his parents teaching him to value relationships and to treat others with respect

I shared with HuaiHao a quote a saw,

Afterwards we talked about my life waking up. He noted that a while ago, I was in a lull and not doing anything but now I am busy

Life kind of switched me on and we were discussing where I got to in quick time, interviewing Cedric Grolet and writing for SCMP and getting into the game again

Huaihao: So for this, you shouldnt take the elevator.

Me: What elevator?

Huaihao: So what I meant was, it would not work if you had taken shortcuts.

Me: But you always did that!

But it’s so nice to talk about this

And when I got busy at the computer, HuaiHao always came and massaged me kissed me. One time he shared this comic with me

I read it with him and laughed and he said that’s the whole point!

That was him letting me take a breather

And when we need total photos for passport, we totally enjoyed it

I love it also when I am out and Huaihao calls me to check on me. What time are you coming back?

And this is us going to gengyan jiujiu’s house and getting a home cooked meal.

One time we chat and its always about the cube of late. We spoke about the algorithms and I asked Huaihao how many he has mastered.

“You see mommy, I have xxxxx to do zzzz to do yyyy to do and I still have my work at McDonald’s”

“Huh and what is that?”

“It’s humour mom humour! Let me find yours back for you?”

Wishing HuaiHao lots of bright moments like these !

David Foster: Off The Record

David Foster: Off The Record

Teacher Stephan sent me a reply

“Dear Pin Yen, I feel for you in the pain and thoughts.

We are all equal young people, old people, all people and all need to be respected.

Without the elderly (parants, grandparents, great grand parants etc) we would not be here.

They not only had to care for their families and survive wars, famines, atrocities, injustice and so on…stoically survive and move forward through the uncertainty of life and time. Building our nations, economies and then meet so that we are born.

Did you know if we look back the last 11 generations or about 300 years. There were at least 4094 people who had to meet, give birth to a child which would grow up and meet someone else to face the lifes challanges, bringing children etc.

Where did they come form?
How many wars, famines, atrocities have they survived or not survived?

But also how much love, joy, dreams have they had and send to us down the line.

And how much strenght, endurance, courage and resilience have they left in us to move ahead in our lifes.

All we can do is to honore these gifts and take up their courage and strenght to forge ahead and make our lifes.”

And I saw Sasha’s send of this pix that I liked immediately and immensely

I wonder why

I am not sure why but I just wanted to watch this that I watched a while ago.

Particularly the part on Whitney Houston and the hit “ I will always love you”

“And I hope life, will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh I do wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
I love you
I will always love you”

And this kind of sums it up.

The question and the answer is the same: love.

Embrace

Embrace

Late at midnight, I asked bf for a hug.

I sat on his lap so he could fully embrace me. And I would be wrapped up in his arms .

He asked me why and I said “迷路” or lost.

He is eager to offer his advice and support. But what meant more to me was his embrace, I still felt his hand soothing calming my back. I still felt his breath. I saw up close how his face had shed off all the baby fat . I saw his collarbones and lean frame.

And I want time to stop

I messaged him before I went to bed

“Thank you for letting me be at home and taking the time and space to rest and map out what I want to do.”

And this morning I woke with better energy than yesterday. And the embrace is still working its magic on me.

I thought just how nice it is how grateful I am to have this guardian angel next to me, knowing me always rooting for me wholeheartedly and thinking for me

And is it any wonder, that I singled out Kdrama Angel On A Mission: Love to watch now?

Your Place In This Big Big Space

Your Place In This Big Big Space

I wanted to start out saying how did love go so wrong.

That was when I started running today. After so long I picked it back. And it was with a lot of anger, frustration, grievances, so so much unhappiness.

I wasn’t really able to do anything about it- as much as I read about all these practices of shaking, qi gong, and other somatic practice . They offered relief but I needed more. So I thought about running.

It all started with the kids going out at each other, arguing for seemingly nothing. And the hubby joining in to stop them but it went so wrong because he was in anger- read triggered. I was able to hold the fort for only a while. 2 days to be exact before everything came to me in full swing.

I could only understand it this way. All these years of practice helped me see everything outside of me is a mirror and happening to me for me.

There were some words the hub used that got me, such as explaining to HuaiHao that Qinzhi shouted because she doesn’t see other choices, such as saying how inflated the kids are thinking they are god or the boss. And how mommy did awesome at inflating them. The last few straws were him telling me to take Qinzhi to Changi for her sports meet because he is going for his walk. I didn’t like the idea of being left with no choice. And he said that it shouldn’t be that I open my mouth and ask for things and get it.

Why can’t I? If he loves me?

As much as I like it or don’t like it, there are lots to savour in this episode no, series.

The children were out of place, as rightly put by the hub. Inflated.

And I have been out of place- doing more than I should for them , overcompensating for my own lack in my own life where I grew and became so much more because ——mommy hasn’t been around.

I took that as a lack rather than as a fertile ground for growth. And in the event of it, I did what my mommy didn’t. I mothered my brother my family, being responsible for more than what a daughter could , I took it all upon myself and shouldered all the burdens on me.

And how is that novel? My mother did more than she could – she went out of her way, sacrificing her life for the family, putting herself last.

She became the leader. And I did. And Qinzhi did as well, she mothers HuaiHao and teaches him like a parent as in school, she triumphs and feel good when given a role of leadership—— all telltale signs of how strong the womenfolk in my tribe are.

This was helped by the lack of a stronghold of fatherly figures in me and my hub’s tribe. Father figures seem meek in comparison to the feminine counterparts. In my hubby’s case, the father figure was absent. Pretty much in mine too. And it also worked in the way when mothers are so strong, the fathers cannot show up.

The balance was thwarted and was even more distorted when we tried to compensate – out of love.

Or- was it to control?

Everyone was out of place. Everything was out of place.

And that made me so cross. Did I came back to the family 4 years ago for this situation now? What did I do or not do to bring it here? I feel so much pain.

And most of all, I couldn’t take the feeling of failing, failing myself.

And if we accept the premise that we all had the choice, I asked why then did I choose this path?

What was I thinking then when I made the choice? What was I wanting to explore?

And in my run, I heard back. One was love, what is love and what is love that is “right”? And is this love that has been “wrong”?

The journey made me open to love, how to love , what is love, tough love …./

The other answer I heard was I wanted to explore leaving on a high note or letting go at a high – which I have at the peak of my career 3 years back . And therefore I wanted to explore finding myself . Honestly, I haven’t been so unclear of my trajectory. I have been so focused and results oriented in school and at work. I went for it and took what I wanted.

But is that TPY?

As I ran, I heard the voice went- you wanted to explore taking off again.

YOU taking off. Not for any other. I heard this voice say, all the rest all the time that has gone by was to ready you for this flight. This take off.

And I am thankful for this opportunity. I know I am truly blessed. If not I wouldn’t be here to see this.

If not I wouldn’t have felt the love from source so clearly yesterday.

I asked actually: what is my relationship with god or the creator or Buddha?

If I have doubts , yesterday I clearly felt the love. The grace. The lesson was delivered gently and I am assured I have been supported and guided.

I came to know how (much) I erred . I was pushing too hard, controlling too much . Distorting reality and people and all this came right back at me. The pain and anger I felt of a distorted me.

And never have I want to “come back” so much.

To “come back” to my place – I guess that is what I want to explore going forward.

To come back to know one’s place. That day Qinzhi reminded HuaiHao : “ do you even pray to god? Do you even know there is god?”And HuaiHao retorted to Qinzhi: “ I do not live there.”

I remember myself reminding him how egoistic and prideful that is.

But now I see how these are all reminders for me.

To know one’s place radically changes everything. Every single thing about one’s existence.

I asked about my relationship with god and got a reply with the feeling yesterday, yes there is a HE HIM and a bigger hand up there- in control.

And never were we – once, in control. I lost sight and myself in this exercise and exploration of control. I was inflated and so were my kids. And the lesson was delivered to me so beautifully with so much grace at where went wrong with my kids showing to me. Grace grace and so much grace.

While I am still trying to map out and strike a balance between surrendering myself and taking initiatives, I know there is a plan for me which will work its way out in the right time.

Interestingly, a few opportunities have popped up in the last few days and I am still feeling my way with them.

Each of them seemed right in some ways and some were definitively not so me.

Which begs the question: who is TPY ? What is she here for? What does she want?

But in an almost dreamy state yesterday night, it came to my realization that in listening I learned the most. As a listener with an open heart, life happens to me in the most beautiful ways. In a bigger picture, in a receiver mode. I’m always giving and have difficulty receiving. But in that mode, life happens in miracles

I remembered looking at the night sky outside of the plane window on my way back from Seoul . A thousand thousand stars shine bright, each of them a sun and revolving around them an entire planetary system

I asked myself then: where is my place in this big big space ?

And I got my reply loud and clear. From my kids who answered me – by them being out of place speaking down to us at us——- I have been seriously out of place in this big big space .

I recently thought about beauty more strongly. Beauty in nature was what rescued me time and again. I thought about experiencing beauty and expressing it outwards in the hope of striking a chord. In the hope of connecting with another. Of saying out something (for) another who wouldn’t be able to put in words. Of being another’s voice. As much as I have been warmed by words of resonance, I want to pass this on and in so creating warmth and light for the purpose of having another feel uplifted enough and feeling hopeful enough to try again.

And I ask for guidance each step of the way. To show me the path.

In which I will be living my highest, joyfully blooming and shining bright in HIS plan, as an instrument or medium relating or translating his messages.

WOW

Magical Europe (II)

Magical Europe (II)

8 – 10Jan

The days in Paris were spent shopping. We visited Troyes outlet and La Vallee Village but came out empty handed

Had a good time at Le Bon Marche and Le Grande Epicerie, my favorite spot in Paris and showed these off to bf

We had a nice dinner every night and also got pickpocketed on and lost a few hundred euros

On our last day in Paris, I booked Arpege. The food was every bit spectacular.But what I didn’t expect was how much of bf a shock bf was at the price of lunch he looked sore and upset

That upset me totally

I took the chance to explain to him – I just wanted to share with him what I enjoyed and appreciated and what was important to me

Alain Passard was important to me, inspirational and motivational. He was someone who heard and went by his heart’s calling in spite of public opinion. He was a pillar of strength to ask me to believe in my heart’s voice

After so many years I came back to this address again and this time I have bf with me, having a good meal that could make memory

And the feeling was that he rejected totally my heart my thoughts and what I love

That was difficult for me

I explained to him this is how I felt when I was with him on a snow mountain and when he urged me to do sledding or tobangganing

So when bf was sore and kept telling me- “I dont need this”

I was really thrashed- it’s like I fetched my heart for him only to have him throw it away

I used the words he used on me to let him know- we were in each other’s shoe

And I learned something- that we can share it outwards but anything echo back is a bonus that we have to learn to appreciate and accept. I have been one who is always on the lookout for comments, approval but this taught me once more – that while I can expect, it is best to offer my most sincere, and to be accepting of any echo that comes my way

But then something magic happened – he had a dish of beetroot tartare and opened up

And that kind of uplifted me- to trust the process. After offering my best my most sincere, trust the process rather than to want something out of it

At Moynat, we had a little chat with the team and one said, happy wife happy life. If she is happy you are

And bf said, that’s love!

When we checked in, he heaved a sigh of relief and said, “now I feel relieved and more safe”

He has been carrying the burden while I felt completely at ease having him navigate through everything for me

And now at the lounge, thinking back all, I know he loves me and keeps giving in to me. I thank him for bringing me to Paris and all this while for letting me do what I like .

I m so happy I can (choose) to see this . How he loved me.

Thankful all over again!

On the plane I asked bf what was the biggest harvest of this holiday? And he said, “ it’s knowing you “

He said he gets sore when I say he doesn’t buy me a bag or bring me to restaurants but what about the house with the morning sun that I want? How is it that I can choose to pick on what he does not do rather than delight in what he does?

He explained to me how he doesn’t take comfort in the things I delight in. Much like how I do not enjoy skiing or sledding. We are very much equals

He told me about George Lam who in his concert talked about this snippet of his married life

“We are both librans but after I shower the tub is cleaner than I m. But after my wife showers it feels like the bathroom needs a makeover.”

Bf said, “ I always thought about this George Lam said. Why would he say something like this? I think it’s that they both have differences, being in love doesn’t mean happiness everyday. They have their conflicts but they stay together despite it all because they have the love in between. So it’s like you like Paris and so I came with you.”

And I am beginning to see this a lot this trip. Somehow someway it comes through to me.

He is sleeping beside me snoring away. And I want my hand in his.

Thank you for bringing me to Paris. We have come so far.

I am thankful .

Love.

Magical Europe (II)

Magical Europe (II)

6 Jan

We rose early and hopped on the train to Paris.

But the gains we got by arriving in Paris at 10am was somehow made up for by a train we took to zone 5 down south of Paris w hi Ole gunning for our hotel in zone 2

I didn’t know why I booked that hotel- and only realised it’s so far away from the city center after payment was made

And then while making our way there we took a train which took us southwards before looking back west to Versailles chantiers

But I was hesitant to think that this is a mistake

And it made me see why. While bf was fussing over the error and worried I was all chill and relaxed. With him around, I can relax

It once again made me see what I have taken granted for – while complaining about it what I don’t see I want, I forgot about what a lot he has provided for – so I can be this way

He said, “ it could have been so near but we took the long route”

I was reminded of the bliss happiness the everything we have up close but we did not see because of our own myopia, we kept chasing for what we don’t have and forgot about cherishing what is with us

What is love ?

We took a walk at arc de triumph , champs de elysee, and all the way down to the le marais

He kept saying that he does not like the city and there is nothing to like it

He was asking why I would like this city and I was thinking to myself: I like it because when I found something nice , I wanted to share with someone I love

That culminated in this trip

But we finally got to Paris and I am certain he will find something nice

Magical Europe (II)

Magical Europe (II)

5 Jan

The day before bf said he wanted to sit down when we were shopping and l felt so worried

My imagination started running

And he was so tired he slept when we got back to the hotel and this made me see he’s not longer that young boy I knew

I kind of thought that way

So I told him to do what he wanted or liked and for him that was just to stroll and see people pass by, get an idea of their lives and reflect on ours

We woke up without the alarm and strolled around Lyon, visiting the old town and saw the charming orange hued old structures terraced on the slopes

Walked about town and chanced upon Bernachon

Searched for croissants at Boulangerie Saint Paul and Les Freres Barioz

We had lunch at Le Poivron Bleu

When we got tired we sat down in a church

And I had a chance to express my gratitude and thoughts for the divine guidance

We walked a bit crossed the River

Collected our luggage at Victorinox and headed for dinner at Les Flaconneurs Bistro

Strolling like this is new to me. I was always mapping out plans and reaching for them. For bf , this way of travelling is like marking attendance. He has repeated countless times that in travel , what he wants is to settle not chase after the next thing

So we kind of followed what he wanted- there were not much expectations but whenever we chanced upon nice things there was a simple simple joy. The day seemed empty, there were not great sights or monuments but a lot of learning for me. The greatest learning of all in the day is feeling love and loved.

The trip came about because one day I asked bf where he would like to go with me. And he said france

I replied that I was saving this for his 50th birthday and he said that there’s no need to keep

So we came and I asked him again in our stroll——why did he want to come to france with me? What did he want to do here because everyday there was no place nothing that he wanted to do. He was just sorting things out for me mapping things out so I could go to the places I want to .

And bf said to me, “ you like france so I come with you “

I was reminded of what I was made know of in one of my sessions early last year- that my husband really Really REALLY loves me. And he just wants me to be happy and he lives his life for me

The trip made what was not obvious to me previously- obvious.

So each time I found something nice and like, he would so, “ so now you happy?”

I said so if I m happy he is too- and he said yes. He is that simple and loves me that much. But along the way, I kind of forgot all that love

And was in fact, searching for love.

Everyday he did what he could for me.

And I remember in my last hair styling session, VC my stylist said- some husbands do the things they do so we can do the things we like. And that IS the biggest love we find

We chanced upon the Lyon Cathedral

And had a chance to say my thanks .

To all who showered me with love and light. I am so blessed!

Happy Birthday TPY!

Happy Birthday TPY!

Huaihao came over at 6 in the morning , hugged and kissed me and gave me a card he made, “happy birthday mommy”

At night I asked him what are his wishes for me? And he said, “I wish for you long life, happiness and healthy!”

On my birthday, HuaiHao woke up earliest as always and showed me his handmade card. Then Qinzhi woke up too and hugged me. After the kids headed to school, we had vegetarian bee hoon and headed to the market and supermarket to get ingredients for dinner. We went to collect the cake.

Bf asked the kids to ask dad sis and boy over for dinner. And i m thankful for that. I made a wish and blew the candle on my birthday cake . And it is as perfect as can be.

More importantly, yesterday, I kind of took some time to listen to my (higher self) and got some notes out of it.

Conversation with TPY

This is one beautiful birthday where you felt like you didn’t need anything else, isn’t it? In the past, you wished that your husband bought you flowers or pampered you with a lavish dinner, or throw you a surprise. Not this year.

You kind of felt like you don’t need anything from your husband children , you are thankful for whatever they have done for you and simply, them being here.

Actually, I don’t know how this year went by for you. It went so fast everything was deep and intense as you put your all into the depths and the roller coaster of the mind and emotions of course. But – you know- you actually wanted it didn’t you?

and so off you went to explore the mind.

You ran SO So Much! Never have you ran and walked so much in the sun but you found newfound freedom me time and so much wonderful wisdom and healing in the runs. You sort of got answers for your questions from the wind, the squirrels the insects the flowers the sun and-I m amazed you actually ran in the rain

You explored the breath 

You explored affirmations 

You found a greater understanding for yourself your life your experiences

And saw the connection of the mind and body

You learned about manifestations 

You explored qigong 

You enjoyed sound baths

You went back to yoga

I feel like the key word for you this year is energy

You did lots of energy work knowingly and unknowingly-you were exploring energy-of yourself and of others

You explored reiki- and that is because you felt there is a lot more work to be done exploring keloids and your past experiences

You wanted to go back. In fact, you kept going back to the past- fervently digging and digging. Wanting to stay there and not going forward.

Looking back: what were you thinking? What did you want to find?

What truths are you seeking and hanging on to? Just to stop yourself from going forward? You have created the keloids, the cyst and many others to stop yourself from going forward.For instance, you felt you needed healing. And you peeled off onion layers and saw more.

You kind of indulged yourself 

And I know you are very thankful to your husband for allowing you, he took on the more difficult parts of supporting the family so you could do this.

The year that passed you by – happened in the very way you wanted 

And landed you in the now

So be careful what you want

What do you want?

The k drama you picked out- Little Women was a thriller ride on plots and inner psyche. In a scene, the female lead found herself in a new house and her aunt said, “this is the kind of house that makes you feel like you can start off all over again even if you have lost everything”

And you turned to HuaiHao who was watching with you and said, “ isn’t it nice to start off afresh? If all is not lost, you wouldn’t be able to do anything you want however you want it. There would be patches here and there that you had to manoeuvre around and take care of . 

It feels like where you are now. And when you kind of understood why you hanged on to this drama amongst others. Simply put, the outside is a reflection of the inner world

There is something in you TPY – and in you too- you you you and you- and that is intuition, instinct inner knowing 

It might be a blur to the senses but you me we have it

So what do you want?

You were discussing this with the hairstylist the day before your birthday. It started with her recommending a really short spanking hairdo and asking you to do away with the fringe

You asked what happens if the fringe grew long?

And she said, “ then come look for me!”

You explained to her that you liked her suggestion more- you wanted the change didn’t you but you felt that keeping the fringe would be more convenient. I m glad you finally decided to pick what you like rather than what is convenient 

And writing this made you realized what you just did- a while ago you asked yourself who you wanted to be? And you told yourself you wanted to be this girl bathed in sun, lean and athletic, with this sporty hairdo.

It has (be)come true

So I m really glad you chose the short hairdo, inherently- choosing to explore the new hairdo and be willing to be guided by it and see what comes out of it.

Recounting what she said you smiled. You wondered why you took the time to even think

You smiled because you are once again reminded and so thankful that there are so many people around you supporting you

There is absolutely no need to worry, nothing to concern yourself over.  

I was really glad you took her advice to trim this short, she said, “I hope you find the inspiration to start off and start out-do what you like.”

I m glad you told her you trusted her and you knew this was the best option. I m glad you left it to her. I m glad – you decided to try something new rather than something you have done before

I m glad you followed your heart. Huaihao came up with a shopping list and listed love as one ingredient when you told him dinner is hotpot. He said, “because love IS the MOST important ingredient” 

I m glad you affirmed what you liked when the hairstylist asked you that question – what do you like to do?

You said you like to go in search of beauty. Because in the experience of beauty you become whole and alive again. In beauty you redeemed your good self

Then you told her that you like to interview or talk to people- because people often tell you about the innermost bits of their lives – even if you have recently met. It is that trust and connection that you like to score.

And then you spoke about the man in your lives . You both have unromantic husbands. And would be always waiting out for that lovey dovey conversation or moment of romance and that would be the battery to let you go on

You laughed over the notion of (holding on to)romance

The hairstylist remarked that she does not believe in romance. And you said that the one who passes a remark like this is the romantic one

And she stopped to remind you this: “let me tell you this, the husband who does not require you to change to fit realistic demands is the one who is utmost and truly a romantic.”

That is because , she says, he allows you to do what you like and 

he will face up to the harshest of realities and do all that is required so that you can continue to do what you like

It was a timely reminder- or a great summation of the last few years when you quit and your husband supported you wholeheartedly- with no expectations or conditions attached 

It is not the first time you heard this

In fact you heard this several times over already but perhaps today you felt the gravity of it the most

This morning you felt it again when he hugged you with all his life

You cried in his arms because you knew he was protecting you all the while even when you were a spoilt brat and unreasonable 

You felt it because a few days back he told you that you two could take a trip together 

And you knew this came at this time because you two had passed the test

You were asking him where always did he want to go with you

And he replied, “france “

You were very happy because that is where you always always wanted to go with him too

You told him you were saving this for his 50th birthday to which he replied, “Sometimes u don’t have to keep things”

And you contemplate getting good class flight tickets because something tells you that this is such a precious trip – it is time given to you both to celebrate you two and it marks the beginning of better times in fact- great times for the two of you

More so, you wanted to thank him for unconditionally doing so many things for the family . Most of all, for you

And you wanted to thank him for that. You wanted to do something for him to say you appreciate and is thankful for him 

And a few days later, he bought running shoes for you

My dear TPY, while you have spent so much time deliberating and fussing over yourself and your experiences, I m so glad you came to your senses and you have completed this little project of going back in time for yourself. And for coming back to the now at this point in time. Everything happened at the right time.

I believe as much as you do know, that the time has come forth for you to step out and up – to be that person you have stopped yourself from becoming 

Tell me: What is the life or days you are looking out for ?

Days of sun, light , laughter, healthfulness, wellness, communication, love, bliss, beauty, meaning, purpose, kindness, prosperity, ease, effortlessness

What is it you like to do?

Talk to people, find out about their lives their values, so as to let them see their light and power, to connect. 

And if possible, share that light outwards so more people are inspired and motivated 

You want to become that top interviewer or presenter who would ask questions that would arrive at the innermost of the heart and that would heal 

You want to be moved and to touch 

And you ask yourself if you can do that?

YES YES YES you know you can and will

Happy birthday TPY

You are so loved. I wish you all the very best. You have all the support you need to do your work. So, fly now.