Tag: light

Gifts

Gifts

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This was what the outside looked like this morning, perhaps just before sunrise , yes at 0642hrs

The light is- divinity itself

Things like this have a jaw dropping effect on me. You are stripped of anything you can say. Anything works and everything doesn’t work.

And so you look at it squarely. And be with it. Meditation is perhaps like this too?

In the evening when I looked out again, I saw tiny birds or swallows swooping in the skies. They were having loads of fun playing around

Obviously hard to catch! And I did!

So little bit they took on the skies without any care.

Can I learn from them?

Let go of inhibitions, fears, worries, anything that stops me from advancing.

And just play and have fun, without —— any care.

What wonderful gifts I have received today!

What is my rock when is my rock?

What is my rock when is my rock?

by yellownblac ♥ 1 Comment

I told bf that the last two months has been a time of reinvention

For want of a better word

The process was all about breaking apart and then scrambling to find the pieces – of myself back

I was trying to feel for everything

For everything felt like kind of the same. Nothing could excite me. I didn’t know about my likes and dislikes. Didn’t know what why when where how

And my body was imitating this state

Yesterday at bedtime I was asking HuaiHao what is the heavy weight at my heart center? And he went:” you don’t know how to express yourself. Like you are not made of plastic, you are made of metal , just be yourself and don’t follow the herd”

I didn’t really know what he meant

Today after so long I went back to walking and seeing this kind of made me get it

When everything fell apart, I was trying to grab bf to hold on to something to anchor

But in a way or another, he appeared to be leaving me to my own

And I kind of find myself crushed even more knowing that he has/had been my rock and I m me and myself now

What is my rock when is my rock?

I was devastated

I was frantically searching for something to anchor on

And I think that rock would be the divine. And anything belonging to that

Searching for the divine feeling for the divine and connecting with the divine

And I saw Rumi , “You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop”

And after searching outside for so long looking for something else, I kind of found the divine in myself

And that day I went to remove my wisdom tooth because it went all shaky. When the tooth was extracted, I felt a miraculous sense of release. It was as if something deep was lifted out of me

Came back tired and napped and woke up to a rainbow

What a journey it has been looking for light ?

Balance

Balance

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In my shower, I found (out about) “balance”

I was wanting to look for some form of a restoration of balance with this shower. And as I said it out, I asked myself what if this is the balance I have been searching for?

The body is always on my side, constantly working out the best possible way to harmonize everything and with everything. Even if we do not see it this way.

I know – the body IS working hard to work things out for me

I believe.

I was inhaling the Believe essential oil and asking myself what do I believe?

The answer is here right above

What if the discomfort I am feeling now is balance? The keloid that is inflamed is balance? So is this feeling of ecstasy and excitement seeing this point ?

It is all the body’s best effort at balancing in quicker than quick time

And I move from a state of balance to another. Even if I think that I am in imbalance .

I see how perspective can ground me or unearth me. I see how in so much time have I been looking at things in negative light and in so far, chart my path this way

All my doing.

And seeing this gave me joy. I m SO thankful for that brief state of stillness I have been in , without which this glimpse of truth might not have been distilled

And I see my body in new light. I thank my body and I love my body even MORE for loving me more unconditionally

And I want to shout this glimpse of truth outwards so that more and more of the me-s out there can see how much balance they are (and have been) in , yes, all this while.

I m light – yet, I am looking for light

Mummy

Mummy

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It’s mom’s 20th death anniversary today.

We all headed to the temple to pray. Dad got the food, joss paper as always. And when all is done he said to us, “ mom’s gone for 20 years today. So fast.”

I kind of went through this without feeling my feelings

Maybe that was why I felt so uncomfortable at the temple

Breathe- I told myself

What do I feel?

Tired out. It’s so much work with mummy not around me.

I put up defenses, protective covers, I hardened up consciously and unconsciously. I went the distance and worked myself to the max challenging myself pushing boundaries

I wallowed in self pity

I put up a strong front

I did not acknowledge too many things and just got on with life as best I can

But the more I did this the deeper I fell

Earlier this year, with family constellations, I kind of saw how mummy chose her own path- because she had felt so lost so helpless. So alone.

Awhile ago, I kind of thought back on her journey and her choice

And I guess I somehow got sidestepped feeling her.

Now writing this, I know this isn’t what mummy want.

Its also not what I WANT!!! But I kind of went into it without awareness and came this far

As a mummy myself now, I sort of got my kids worried with the recent slump I have been in

Mummy worried me too- on a few occasions. But she’s always so strong for us . Until she couldn’t hold on anymore

Writing this now, I know I m not mummy, I don’t have her experiences her pain her troubles

I turn backwards now to me. To continue where I left off in my own path

I am counting my blessings as I acknowledge my path and thanking all my guardian angels who have been protecting me and guiding me all this while. Bringing me back after having for mummy’s path for a while

And I know the reason is to anchor me on my own

And although mummy has left for 20 years, somehow she’s still with me

In me

In the patterns habits standards I keep myself up to having been born to her, bred by her

What would mummy say to me?

I recall that in a healing session, her message to me was ‘ “ I m so proud of you.”

And the message now:

“Go get what you want. Stop living life for me for others but for TPY. Let the fear doubts self pity rest. You have everything you need to succeed. The universe is behind you with you”

“you are always shiny always brilliance. Mummy loves you so much.”

Thank you Mummy for this connection this message. Most of all for having me, for giving birth to me, for cherishing me more than yourself.

Love you mummy !

At bedtime, I told HuaiHao about how I felt and this little boy said, “ you do not have to not cry you know. Release it. “

I asked him how?

“Everyone has their way of releasing emotions . Let it out.”

I asked him what is his way?

“Cry”

And what is mummy’s way?

He said “ the same “

I shared that if I let it all out I would be worrying him.

And he said, “ but we all want to care for the people we love”

So cry I did and HuaiHao wiped tears away. I felt two things at one go- I felt so blessed to have him with me. At the same time, I felt how much I missed my mummy. I told him so.

He kind of didn’t really know how to react. He hugged me and put his hand on my face for a while

I asked if I caused him worry

He said , a little bit. “ I don’t want you to be sad”

So I shared that previously I kind of hid my emotions away but I become tired out and low. But now if I displayed my emotions , I worried him.

I asked him which he would prefer and he said the latter.

I thanked HuaiHao for his wonderful teaching this evening and most of all- his showing support and his presence for me.

For a while, I thought I finally — did grieve.

The next morning the first question HuaiHao asked me when he woke up was, “ so did you get over it already? You have to release the feelings otherwise they will control you”

“ so did you?”

I told him it’s like peeling off an outer heavy shell and showing the me that was underneath and I thanked him for holding space for this process.

So much love!

What A Find

What A Find

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The swelling in the keloid erupted and i felt a release

As I was doming myself with essential oils, I asked myself : why did I choose this version of myself ?

I recalled myself being really expressive and eager to share with people my path or how I was disadvantaged. How much of hardship I had been through.

I wanted pity? Empathy? Praise?

I wanted to use my circumstances to invite pity empathy praise and perhaps some kind of a advantage for myself.

Yet when I got the so called advantages, I did not really use them for myself

For example when I got loads of food during festivals I always gave them away

When I got invited to amazing tastings by great chefs I always gave them away

As if to punish myself further

It was always for others rather than myself

I guess I locked myself —— once and again——into a situation or a position of a victim

To win a certain vantage point or carve out an image for myself in front of others

And I kept hurting myself in a way scratching myself and managing the keloids

Why did I do that?

I looked at these few years spent at home with the kids. They were precious so precious money cannot buy

At a certain point in time I remembered I wanted to heal with qinzhi . Then I was disappointed with work and what they could not give me. The freedom to express real passion and creativity had to be suppressed for business logic

And so I chose to come back to the home front

To hide from it all

And to sort things out

I started exploring myself- reiki with Stephan and then Ron and dwelled deep into my soul and my past

The keloids came at some point in time

And with these swelling and eruptions: the keloids was really trying to get my attention to GET OUT

I was excessively spending time on the past on the keloids to avoid looking at the real stuff

I look at myself now- am I happier? Did I get some kind of real joy or satisfaction living or hiding behind that keloid or that image ?

It’s a choice but now that I see—— somewhat a wrongful —— well

Nothing is a mistake so let’s just say I have devoted such a lot of time and energy checking myself out on this end

I went back to the past to see what could have caused it, I tried to inspect the emotions and feelings associated with it.

In another dome session, I continued to explore why I dealt with this theme. I remember saying that I want to heal with qinzhi

And looking back, I did

Looking back I wonder what that has been for. This exercise——did it help me? How?

For sure it did, it helped me release anything more left trapped in those memories. It helped me come to terms with the past. More. And made me discover more about myself, people around me and life. It has been a learning curve and a great one

I hid behind the keloids I did and hid my true power my true magnificence my authenticity that beingness of me

Well I really understood that I probably needed to be in the victim position in the beginning when my resources were limited. And at that time I needed to care for my family and bring food home

But I lost myself as I repeated that victims mode even if I need not have to any longer. It has become second skin to me and I was in that mode automatically. It had been a layer I had worn

But! (So much of ) times have changed, so much of circumstances have evolved and (so much of) I have evolved too.

Activities in the keloids have been so intense to wake me up!

That is—— when I still was stuck and chose to stop myself

Perhaps the most important learning through this all is to know—— move forward . Move forward and not back

I saw a post that read: talk to us about your blessings

Blessings were huge and always with me anytime and anywhere

The fact that I m here writing this is a huge huge blessing

I thank them! The keloids and my body ! I am grateful super grateful my body is forever rooting for me and taking care of me. I thank them- yes the keloids for the inspiration ! For doing their utmost to let me see that it’s time to MOVE ON

I no longer need to be that victim because the responsibilities are different now. I have stopped shouldering the burden for the family for a long long time in fact when sis and brother came out to work

And my husband has always been shouldering the responsibility for building our family

He has always been kind and magnanimous towards me and to let me pursue what I love so long as I m happy

He just wants me to be happy and is so willing to do anything so I can be myself

My family loves me to bits so how silly I have been to be in a victims mode!

And going forward ——what is the version of myself I want to see and approach

I stopped writing for a few days until this morning

I saw this:

Lee Harris:

“You are all healers in your work, whatever form your work takes. All of you possess healing energy that you often give to others. It is now time to use that energy, wherever possible, to focus on what you feel drawn to do, what your heart leads you to do. The point is to choose movement towards your heart’s desires for you are now accessing a level of heart power that carries a great intuition for what you need to do. What you want to do and your knowing is to be trusted – the knowing in your heart of your gifts, talents and abilities you want to share with the world.

You are the master of your own energy. You are the master of your heart. You know what you came here to do and the time is changing.

– From Ask the Heart… For It Knows Everything

(CHANNELED QUOTE FROM LEE’S GUIDES – THE Z’s)”

What do I want and want to do?

I have been asking myself. What is the version of myself I (want to) see?

I see myself so so happy and grateful because I m experiencing great health like never before. My body is in a state of balance and all processes are at its best

I am vitality and a picture of health, having all the energy I need to do things I love for myself and others.

I m calm peaceful and at ease and all of my decisions and thoughts come from a place of love and gratitude

Because I know and is aware

That translates to a beautiful body that is long lean and flexible. I have sun kissed skin and rosy cheeks.

My skin is beautiful and shows off the purity the peace in/of my thoughts. I m pretty beautiful , cute.

While I am at times envious of others flying around and having loads of wonderful experiences as a writer, I actually really like to stay at home. And to be (here for)/with my loved ones.

Maybe when the kids are slightly a bit older, say in one to two years time, and if a great opportunity comes along, I can and will be happy to take off again.

Until then, I will be happy to take on lovely freelance opportunities that allow me to express myself whilst I bring out another’s passion, quest and zest for life

Yes that is what my heart wants

It’s been a long while since I took a walk by myself

The weather was amazing with the constant sea breeze

along the walk, people who “hurt” me popped up

And I asked me, why did you so easily give your power away? Take it back take it all back

And I released – once again—- the people and the trauma they brought me into the air, claiming my power back at the same time

It was a good exercise

It made me aware that there was still stuff left there. They had been traumatic for me- more than I knew myself

And on the bus, I asked this question: is all healing guided by the soul?

As in, an exploration of the soul?

Yes I would think.

If all journeys were an extension of what the soul wants, it follows that healing too

I mean, I have been hanging on to the keloids for ten years

Why haven’t I healed yet?

And the answer is that my soul has chosen to in the time that has passed to explore this

How worthwhile is it? And what good has it brought me?

I think quite a lot . A while good lot of it . BUT- enough already.

Does my soul still want to go this way?

NO!

My soul wants me now to see the miracle of healing instantaneously

And the miracle magic and wonder of life. And it follows, the power and limitless possibilities i embody

So long as I m willing and choose

Yes I am willing

I m willing to change

I am willing to heal

I am willing to become the most wonderful and powerful version of myself

The version of myself that is better and better

That miraculous divine in me

And seeing that not only helps me but also helps me see the divine in others

Show me the grace the miracle the wonder

Somehow, this realization found me.

That the faster you move away the better it is

And I read this on Lin Chunyi’s page

“Each life experience we have has energy, just as everything in the universe has energy. Sometimes we hold on to the energy of an old story and live it over and again and it can keep us from moving forward.

One effortless way to release old stories to make room for new ones is through loving. Loving stories are never a burden. The stories that can repeat themselves in our emotional world and in our mind are the ones you feel are unfinished.

Often they are filled with ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’. The energy is “I should have done this, or that.”

The other stories can be ones where you couldn’t believe that someone you thought you could trust did something that you felt hurt you. There can be energy like resentment, blame, and feeling a victim of the experience.

The wisdom here is that you can leave anything when you love it. The more you dislike or even hate something, the more bound you are to it.

Think about the stories you feel you have carried with you most of your life that you sense are holding you back from new, happier, more fulfilling stories.

Now, take the same experiences and list for each one the good you find in each story.

This will help you to change your story and change your energy, to live a more joy-filled life. “

And I put this question to myself, what did I find that was lovely?

While I appreciated that the keloids helped me discover healers like John well and even kickstarted my healing journey and is the reason why I even saw content and many like this above, I did not seem to find love for this

But this morning as I put the question to myself again, I thought I heard it

The keloids and my dwelling in them- gave me the time I needed before I could face up to what was required of me

It was my run away time

And the line was blurred between a respite I needed vs an addiction

Maybe sometimes one of the two, sometimes both

It gave me the time the space to break away before I was ready

I needed this

But now! I m clear and I can say

Let’s change. I m willing to change and to release that addiction the itch the swelling and all

I do not need this already

And I saw this

“ I release all my fears pain hurt from the past. I allow myself to change grow and step into my light. I am safe I am strong I am worthy. I am powerful beyond measure.”

And this!

“I am grateful for my courage my resilience and my deep inner strength. I release any limits and boundaries and I embrace all my potential and possibilities. Everything is unfolding in perfect timing. I trust I believe I receive.”

Running (xi)

Running (xi)

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Woke up bright and early on Christmas morning and saw this

How beautiful! Put on my active wear at the fastest speed wanting to chase the sun

This morning, I tweaked the process a little just to see how it feels. Instead of breathing in and flushing light out through my vitals, I just absorbed the light into me. Somewhere at the navel, I went to the time when I was a kid, and the navel was beautiful. I saw myself drinking milk from a bottle on the floor , my right leg crossing and resting on my left knee

I went a little deeper.

How does it feel? I asked.

I felt a lot of love. It was when everything was simple, and there was no concept of many things and everything. A void in conceptual terms and everything was of feelings. Direct and not complex. I allow myself to feel that a little more and carried on my run.

Breathing in the highest light for the upgrade of my cells, my being my soul.

May this light of Christmas warm you through and through . I intend that the days ahead, filled with light———- be merry and bright!

And the reason for my existence

And the reason for my existence

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There’s something in 14 Peaks that calls out to me.

Nims speaks out the very things we once harboured in our hearts, the very things we held close to heart and pursued like crazy because we believed ——— but afterwards lost them to the daily grinds

And coincidentally, I went back to writing my column yesterday. The piece of writing is slated for Christmas and the idea of light and love came up. My Santa is Mr Ng, who made me see the light each time I went to see him.

I started writing and re-reading just two posts —— every time after I visited, I would write down faithfully the contents of the the visit : what we discussed and exchanged ——- I cried so hard. The nuggets of truth and wisdom I fetched out from then, those visits stand true today. And they are still useful for me. I reconnected with the truths he shared with me and I saw how much I was appreciated as a soul. He taught me how to acknowledge and recognize my self, how to be gentle with myself——-always, before I knew

I miss my teacher and is calling out for him from the depths of my heart.

Then I watched 14 Peaks

The combination worked I guess.

I went back to 2016. When I had the idea of getting Nic to be a Friend of Michelin. And boom, I got to him.

How is that even possible? There is every reason it would be impossible.

In 100 years the red book has been in existence, there is no Friend of Michelin.

https://guide.michelin.com/en/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin

https://guide.michelin.com/hk/zh_HK/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin

Seeing him on stage carrying out and expressing my belief—- that Food is made good with friends and in connection—— is impossible to describe.

The feeling you carry in the heart area is full and warm—— when you make the impossible possible.

No word can do justice to that feeling.

No amount of money too.

I went to bed. And got out of it in a matter of minutes .

I cut the quote on an upcoming video. If that could make the project possible, I will do it. The joy of making a video is impossible to describe too because that is what makes me come alive.

So I emailed the client with an adjusted quote and went back to bed.

And this morning, this morning when I woke and lay in bed, trying to be still. Beautiful thoughts and feelings came to me.

Those moments sitting beside the camera the frame, lights shining on the subject in front of me. The subject revealing thoughts emotions true to him and me feeling them—— because, with age, how different can we be. We run similar programs emotions albeit in different places and different points in life. We connect in the suffering that pain we all had a chance to experience

He or she might be talking about him or her but what I hear is about me. The moments in between —- working with what was released in real time, takes things out of me. It is work in process and expression at its best

That seat, right opposite the subject. Here is where and when I come alive . I live for these.

Why did I give it away so easily ?

The feeling sitting in that spot. I can’t wait to be back.

To use my gift and experience, to share light love hope warmth and delivering it my style.

This is my mission my purpose and the reason of my existence my being. It is why I am wired this way why I feel this way why I have experienced what I have —— all these were in preparation for me to do the work I am here for.

This is the first time I see things this way—— like a puzzle in place. A breakthrough and light of sorts—- i m wired this way because I need my strengths and weaknesses to do the work I do

And seeing this made me appreciate my experiences more.

I thanked my experiences once more and release all that do not serve me any longer —— out of my energy field , and I do so with much ease and grace, lovingly tenderly and I intend for them to move out at a speed fastest possible for my comfort and grounding

But more than release, I know for sure I would be able to use them in my work.

Mr Ng said to me: “you have always shared with me what other people say, what about you? What is your story? I want to hear your story. You should be in the frame.”

He saw the beauty of my beingness when I did not.

The reason and beauty of my being is to express. And when I do not do that, I could not come alive.

These two or three years when I left what I did professionally, a part of me stopped.

Where did you go —— I asked myself . And thank you for coming back. In fact, welcome back TPY——- I heard me say.

The feeling is the same that I felt seeing Nic on stage. The impossible had happened in a way to fetch me back.

And I could see now, how my guardian angels how the creator the source or god, has always been with me and in me———or else, how could I be here today saying this. At this time.

This time, it is the perfect time. Anything earlier or later would not have been.

And the magic in the essential oils —— Believe. And the affirmation I said every morning Michael Beckwith shared . He said to do it for a month and see what happens.

“I am available to more good than I have ever imagined . Let me co create a way of life with god that holds the insights and revelations the wisdom and intelligence that flows with time.”

I ask for support and all the resources on all levels to propel me in this direction of sharing my own light to the world. And it would be for the purpose of letting others see their own light and wonder.

It is Mr Ng’s greatest gift to me. He let me see the beauty of my light being . Always has been and will never go away.

And receiving that make me want to tend to this light I am born with privileged to bear and to share it outwards. To light another being.

Watching Korean travelogue “The Hungry and the Hairy” brought to mind that I once believed I was made for big things. I went to the best schools , had great results, was always ‘seen’ and ‘heard’. I made a name for myself. (Probably that was why I was so drawn to my ex boss SH, who also made dreams come true. ) But I gave up being big and decided to hide myself in small after Dad left us after Mom died. I hid my talents my wishes my purpose my mission along with those incidents. I stopped living me even if I m alive . Recently I had the feeling that I stopped myself when I left my last designation——- but now I realized I stopped myself even earlier.

No one else but me. I stopped myself from living my truth.

And I realized also, rather, I made the decision to not fall into another cycle of unhappiness with bf. I m no longer going to invest myself being upset. Been there done that. Enough is enough is enough.

I m going to live life devoted to protecting and sharing my light.

Is it any coincidence I woke up to these on 12/12?

Simply Be: Your Beautiful Self

Simply Be: Your Beautiful Self

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I saw this and found it inspiring, thought provoking and beautiful.

What is my beautiful self and where is it? Where can I find this?

What is beauty to me? Where is my self? How does my soul look like? What does it want? What does it want in this life? And where is my beautiful self?

“Simply be your own beautiful soul self.

To live life authentically, is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

To be who and what you in truth are – at Soul Level!

To stand fully in your own light – and not in anyone’s shadow.

To live your own truth – and stand unshakably in that truth and wield the Sword of Truth if need be.

To unconditionally love yourself, into the deepest shadow and the highest light, as much as you unconditionally love everyone else.

I was just sharing yesterday, how, all my life I have spent searching for Truth, for the Highest Truth. The Highest Truth, will indeed bring AHA! Moments of deep soul recognition, and indeed moments of deep Knowing! It always brings greater clarity and inner peace and equilibrium. Such Truths can never be taken from you, and indeed, so can the truth of your own soul, also never be taken from you.

Indeed, when I was seven years old, my teacher (who was also my Great-aunt), first introduced us to the Pyramids and indeed the old version of slaves forced built them. I was astounded and indeed told her: “That is untruth! They were not built by slaves, but indeed built in a completely different way!” My teacher was outraged, and indeed phoned my mom, who gave me a severe lecture about never questioning your teachers.

Yet, I never stopped questioning, and indeed, that has stood me in great stead, for when I ended up as Librarian to have access immensely powerful information, my quest deepened. Indeed, I would often ask a question, and then the books would fall off the shelves and land at my feet. I would randomly open the book, and the answers would jump out at me! Indeed, other librarians often commented on how I would read books which no one else ever were interested in – and again, the greatest gold nuggets are so often hidden from sight, exactly because they do not wish people to gain access to such knowledge and truths.

At one stage I worked with the banned books which the Apartheid Regime Publications Board, banned for some or other reason. I always read the books, for I wanted to know why they were banned! Indeed, the minute the books got banned, they had a knack of disappearing off the shelves, as others always wanted to know why they were banned, or they became instant bestsellers – often on the black market!

Since I was born, I always felt like an alien on earth, and for many years wondered what was so drastically wrong me: – until I finally realized there was nothing wrong me, but so much RIGHT with me. I started to embrace all of me, and living authentically, always aspiring to live my soul purpose and calling with unconditional love.

Indeed, the greatest gift of all is to be authentically YOU, and to live your soul calling and purpose with great love.

When you know who you are, you cannot be any other than the truth of who and what you are in truth!

This does not mean that you need to deny your own shadow side, or your light side for that matter, but to realize that BOTH serve you equally, and indeed that they balance each other out. The highest inner equilibrium comes, when we indeed reach balance point and then become as ONE with the Divinity within us, as we BECOME AS ONE with the Divine Source within.

All paths lead within.

The Kingdom of Heaven is within yourself.

And indeed your Soul knows this at the deepest levels.

It is a matter of not allowing anyone, or anything to dim your inner light, and indeed sway you from your living your highest truth and authentically.

The greatest gift you can bring into the world, is YOU. Authentic You. The SOUL you, and indeed live your Soul truth with loving intent.

I greet the Soul in you!

Shine forth!

Judith Kusel

http://www.judithkusel.com