Tag: journey

And the reason for my existence

And the reason for my existence

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

There’s something in 14 Peaks that calls out to me.

Nims speaks out the very things we once harboured in our hearts, the very things we held close to heart and pursued like crazy because we believed ——— but afterwards lost them to the daily grinds

And coincidentally, I went back to writing my column yesterday. The piece of writing is slated for Christmas and the idea of light and love came up. My Santa is Mr Ng, who made me see the light each time I went to see him.

I started writing and re-reading just two posts —— every time after I visited, I would write down faithfully the contents of the the visit : what we discussed and exchanged ——- I cried so hard. The nuggets of truth and wisdom I fetched out from then, those visits stand true today. And they are still useful for me. I reconnected with the truths he shared with me and I saw how much I was appreciated as a soul. He taught me how to acknowledge and recognize my self, how to be gentle with myself——-always, before I knew

I miss my teacher and is calling out for him from the depths of my heart.

Then I watched 14 Peaks

The combination worked I guess.

I went back to 2016. When I had the idea of getting Nic to be a Friend of Michelin. And boom, I got to him.

How is that even possible? There is every reason it would be impossible.

In 100 years the red book has been in existence, there is no Friend of Michelin.

https://guide.michelin.com/en/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin

https://guide.michelin.com/hk/zh_HK/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin

Seeing him on stage carrying out and expressing my belief—- that Food is made good with friends and in connection—— is impossible to describe.

The feeling you carry in the heart area is full and warm—— when you make the impossible possible.

No word can do justice to that feeling.

No amount of money too.

I went to bed. And got out of it in a matter of minutes .

I cut the quote on an upcoming video. If that could make the project possible, I will do it. The joy of making a video is impossible to describe too because that is what makes me come alive.

So I emailed the client with an adjusted quote and went back to bed.

And this morning, this morning when I woke and lay in bed, trying to be still. Beautiful thoughts and feelings came to me.

Those moments sitting beside the camera the frame, lights shining on the subject in front of me. The subject revealing thoughts emotions true to him and me feeling them—— because, with age, how different can we be. We run similar programs emotions albeit in different places and different points in life. We connect in the suffering that pain we all had a chance to experience

He or she might be talking about him or her but what I hear is about me. The moments in between —- working with what was released in real time, takes things out of me. It is work in process and expression at its best

That seat, right opposite the subject. Here is where and when I come alive . I live for these.

Why did I give it away so easily ?

The feeling sitting in that spot. I can’t wait to be back.

To use my gift and experience, to share light love hope warmth and delivering it my style.

This is my mission my purpose and the reason of my existence my being. It is why I am wired this way why I feel this way why I have experienced what I have —— all these were in preparation for me to do the work I am here for.

This is the first time I see things this way—— like a puzzle in place. A breakthrough and light of sorts—- i m wired this way because I need my strengths and weaknesses to do the work I do

And seeing this made me appreciate my experiences more.

I thanked my experiences once more and release all that do not serve me any longer —— out of my energy field , and I do so with much ease and grace, lovingly tenderly and I intend for them to move out at a speed fastest possible for my comfort and grounding

But more than release, I know for sure I would be able to use them in my work.

Mr Ng said to me: “you have always shared with me what other people say, what about you? What is your story? I want to hear your story. You should be in the frame.”

He saw the beauty of my beingness when I did not.

The reason and beauty of my being is to express. And when I do not do that, I could not come alive.

These two or three years when I left what I did professionally, a part of me stopped.

Where did you go —— I asked myself . And thank you for coming back. In fact, welcome back TPY——- I heard me say.

The feeling is the same that I felt seeing Nic on stage. The impossible had happened in a way to fetch me back.

And I could see now, how my guardian angels how the creator the source or god, has always been with me and in me———or else, how could I be here today saying this. At this time.

This time, it is the perfect time. Anything earlier or later would not have been.

And the magic in the essential oils —— Believe. And the affirmation I said every morning Michael Beckwith shared . He said to do it for a month and see what happens.

“I am available to more good than I have ever imagined . Let me co create a way of life with god that holds the insights and revelations the wisdom and intelligence that flows with time.”

I ask for support and all the resources on all levels to propel me in this direction of sharing my own light to the world. And it would be for the purpose of letting others see their own light and wonder.

It is Mr Ng’s greatest gift to me. He let me see the beauty of my light being . Always has been and will never go away.

And receiving that make me want to tend to this light I am born with privileged to bear and to share it outwards. To light another being.

Watching Korean travelogue “The Hungry and the Hairy” brought to mind that I once believed I was made for big things. I went to the best schools , had great results, was always ‘seen’ and ‘heard’. I made a name for myself. (Probably that was why I was so drawn to my ex boss SH, who also made dreams come true. ) But I gave up being big and decided to hide myself in small after Dad left us after Mom died. I hid my talents my wishes my purpose my mission along with those incidents. I stopped living me even if I m alive . Recently I had the feeling that I stopped myself when I left my last designation——- but now I realized I stopped myself even earlier.

No one else but me. I stopped myself from living my truth.

And I realized also, rather, I made the decision to not fall into another cycle of unhappiness with bf. I m no longer going to invest myself being upset. Been there done that. Enough is enough is enough.

I m going to live life devoted to protecting and sharing my light.

Is it any coincidence I woke up to these on 12/12?

Measure Your Age In Miles

Measure Your Age In Miles

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I dont know how, but I came to see this video and its super amazing! I love how this lady speaks, her ideas give to you this ah-ha, WOW moment, and makes you want to think into her words and fetch out things that you know, if you work/think hard enough, can deliver you.

You dont have to measure your age in years you can measure your age in miles

What you and I call a year is an orbit around the sun

One orbit around sun is 650 million miles 

When you start thinking about your life as your journey around the star it’s a v different experience then you think of time going by

Time doesn’t past we orbit through it

But when we realize we are orbiting life is a journey 

When we realize a year is an orbit and life is a journey and western world speak of life as a journey in metaphorical terms but it’s not a metaphor

It’s called a year

We are traveling around the sun 

And the whole time we r traveling around the sun sun is traveling in the middle of the galaxy and the galaxy is doing something it hasn’t tracked yet  

What fascinates me is that we r a journey not just metaphorically 

when we see our life as a journey on this journey rather than that time passes (and we r not participating in the journey)

As long as we think time or life is happening to us we r not participating or co creating

We haven’t incorporated this into our daily life yet

But it’s obvious we r on a journey because as we orbit the star scenery changes

As we orbit the star scenery goes by the star scenery we see in July goes and different stars come in August in the East 

But pple don’t look at the stars anymore 

In ancient times stars are the calendar the clock

The importance of the sun is we eat the sun

All the food you eat is sunlight downloaded by plants but the only thing we ever eat is the light of stars we are orbiting

Green plants take light and make it into nutrition and life giving substance 

Sun transmits info to photosynthesis- where light becomes life

What is the information coming from the sun that plants are blue to translate into the language of life

What r we made of who r we

It’s a scientific fact that the calcium in your bones the iron in your blood every element in your body except hydrogen has been created in the cosmic called stars that have exploded and ended up into our bodies

So we are on the earth but not made of earth

The spiritual teachers have been telling us this too not from a scientific way but that

You r on earth but not made of earth don’t get too attached you the earthy stuff

And this reminds me of the card I drawn that we r spiritual beings on earth 

It’s like an earth suit but it’s not who You are

And you have to wear this earth suit to have this earthy experience like the calcium in your body blood and all elements except hydrogen are made of stars and exploded and made earth 

And hydrogen was created in the big bang and nobody knew where it came from

So we r made of the Big Bang but the implications of this fact is not studied by science 

There  are a lot of things the scientist does not explore but the rest of us can and are eager to 

We r experiencing a huge change

This understanding of time we are talking about —- that it isn’t a straight line pressing relentlessly forward 

Time is the movement of our planet thru space 

If earth isn’t orbiting around the sun we wouldn’t have years and these things are cyclical 

If the moon wasn’t orbiting around us we wouldn’t have months or moons or if was originally pronounced 

A month is the time the moon takes to orbit around us

And when ancient pple talk abt the moon they r not talking abt the rock in the sky but the movement of the moon that is the cycle of a woman’s womb that is the tides

When we realize time isn’t this straight line we race against but that it’s cycles and rhythms like waves we can ride 

And you do not have to use a lot of effort energy the waves are propelling you forward

When we realize time isn’t this straight line we race against

This clock time we r racing against is you exhausting depleting deadening

Natural time is empowering and enliving

Before Christ in the 5th century Greek geometrist eucalid says that a straight line is the shortest distance between 2 points and this is the basis of the arrow of time

But this is only valid on a flat earth because they thought the earth was flat

And so the time we race against is flat earth time

But In fact the earth is round. And the earth is orbitting and what you call an orbit is a cycle and anything cyclical has this up and down quality to it

Waves you can ride

The entire natural world is riding this wave Eg reindeer eyes change colour with seasons 

Time is a powerful rhythm cycle you can ride

Anywave if you don’t ride it it’s going to crash on your head

That’s the choice we have

We all go thru these cycles and we know we are different once we go thru the cycles

Its amazing how man somehow or other find their way into the universe, trying to decode and understand the galaxy, reading stars and the night sky.

Its a step by step process. First you go through life’s experiences, then with awareness try to extract yourself out of life, and then you streamline and redefine your life, you cut out animals and go plant based, you learn yoga and energy related work, you get interested in qigong and spirituality and you investigate into the sky above.

Harriett Witt is a Maui astronomer and she’s started Passenger Planet https://harriet-witt.squarespace.com

Realising Me xvii

Realising Me xvii

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The self reiki session today is a v powerful one.

I normally start with the gokai. Then breath work, which is what I learnt in my kundalini yoga class, 32 breaths, from the root to the crown then down to the root.  Normally, halfway through, I would already feel the grounding settling effect of the breath.

You just feel like you have gone deeper

The very awareness of it takes you out of the depth then you go back to breathing again.

Now as I collect these thoughts, I felt like I have some experiences of an accomplished meditation exercise before, not in this time. Maybe elsewhere. I have sat down and experienced this peace and calm before.

Back to breath work,

Somewhere along the 30 ish counts, my tears just came.

I could already feel energy, some higher power or what you call, the divine.

So you are all here?!

Now I know.

“But we have always been with you”

I felt the body pumped with stronger slow flowing energy, I felt the fullness at heart, brimming over.

I still cant see them, but their presence sort of could be felt, a happy bunch of all different, angels, bodhisattvas, gurus, and I felt like each one was taking over each part of my body to contribute healing. 

“I want my keloids to be healed completely.” And one of them went over.

“I want to see my beautiful navel again” (Because the cyst has encroached into some space of the navel) And one smiled and rushed over to attend

“I want to see the big keloid dissolve into nothingness, I want to see the original skin like how it was at the pelvic area” And someone took over.

I just lie there and observed, I couldnt do anything as work is being done coming through my limbs my abdomen, my legs.

I asked the divine to be there with us, to let this energy of goodness touch every single being on earth, all of the insects and birds, animals and beasts, in the water world in the atmosphere, an for all sentient beings to experience its wonder.

And I want to express its wonder and magic.

Then almost as suddenly, I recalled the child’s cry yesterday. One of the flats above me, a father was in rage, demanding to know some truth from the child. “Where did you get the money?” And the child was crying out, ‘I didnt do it, I didnt do it’

My heart cried out in pain as well. Can’t there be another way?

Because of all the hurt I felt, may all families parents, couples and children not have to go through anything like this at all.

Then I started to process some things. 

The reiki session to me is like an inner work session, I observe and things sometimes pop up, then I take the chance to rewire and reprogram, with what little awareness and wisdom I have, and I cocreate with what is available on hand.

Like the sun was shining on me as I lay on the bed, so I asked the sun for help.

I was back again in my old house at the kitchen next to the dining table. Mommy sat on a chair backed by a wall and I was standing infront of her. In Primary 2 I was and I got 7th in position in class, when I was in Primary 1, I was top of the class.

Mommy chided me for slipping, she said daddy worked so hard for the family, and had to drive a taxi at night so I could have piano and ballet lessons.

She said that I had taken things for granted.

It was all so emotional and I am sure in that moment, the child in me made a decision to be the best whatever I did

That pushed me all the way so I always excelled.

But this morning, intuitively, I blew wind , huffed and puffed at that girl who had her head down infront of mommy.

What if I felt mommy and could emphathise without making those decisions that drove me into programs me later on?

Now I know, mommy wanted to be heard too! She’s got a love for dad and don’t want him to be worked so hard. She might not really be chiding me. But I interpreted it that way.

I saw the girl’s hair fluff up and her relief and smile.

I felt ready to attempt at another and I saw myself infront of the bed where my father lay after his spinal operation. I saw the blanket again. But intuitively, I blew away her fear, I saw her hair fly up in a whiff. And it felt better all of a sudden.

Then time went to seeing my father in my old house.

He converted the storeroom into a study room so he could do his stuff

It was stuffy because there are no windows, there’s a certain smell  the sum total of the furniture, the stationery, the yellow background black polka dot plastic dustbin 

Just this morning, I realised I have sensed my father doesnt work like any other father—— at a young age

He has a funny occupation

When I was bigger, and when we shifted house, sometimes father worked in his room, I would use his desk to do my homework and revised for my exams, so ah ha I must have picked up all his feelings along the way

Then I remember him also, in another room, he would switch the air con on, and a light but the room would be slightly dark

What was he doing?

I sensed that is was something that needs to be hidden, 

something that cannot be exposed to light

I guessed I worried for him and feared for him, is something going to happen to him? Then what do we do?

There’s also a sense of righteousness in the child in me, that what he is pursuing might not be correct.

There’s a guilt of knowing something but having to hide it because that is father

And a sense of shame that there is something not so right somewhere and why is he doing it. But what can I do? He’s doing it for the livelihood of the family

What a struggle that has been for my young age that young girl?

So this morning, just this morning, I discovered and uncovered this other layer of fear that I didnt know I had carried with me and that of survival instincts I experienced as I kid. The guilt and shame.

Wow.

What a lot of work in there.

I pictured myself in front of me and I want to blow away all of these emotions which have been unconsciously stored into my body,

I blew at my head and saw it move front and back

I blew at my heart 

my front torso, my abdomen, my pelvic area my legs 

Felt like something was thwarted and released.

Then I continued to lay and observe whatever was happening.

Energy continued to work on me.

And I just lay like a handphone on a charger stand, I couldnt really move

Lots of energy coming through into my body through my neck and downwards

I didnt even use my hands today

I just observed

Then playfully and experimentally, I held my hands above my tummy, just wanting to feel the energy and I saw my hands moving further away then away from my body, as if finding out where that ends…

I kept still for a while longer then said my thanks before using my crystal .

I wrote om on my keloid and tummy area.

What a discovery! And, history has it all. All the answers and the information or inspirations to let us step forward.

Go back to go forward

Receiving

Receiving

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Vs Giving.

Receiving seems to be more difficult for me.

Amusing? But it’s true.

Isn’t it just take?

I wished!

I don’t really know what to do to receive. Just just not open enough to it.

Yesterday Teacher texted me to say, “one of my very experienced Reiki practioner here in Switzerland, she will be 90 years old this year, and she would be very glad to support you with distance healing Reiki. Would you agree to it?

She has had a difficult live, had to marry before twenty, as her father died and to run a business and support the family, had her own family of 3 children, and take care of her husband as he got ill and blind, keeping business and family together. There was no space for herself, she had to function and be operational, that was the expectations on her from all. And it was not until she was in her mid 70’ies that she could start to think of herself. Despite been frail and living alone, she has energy and zest for live and would be thrilled to send you Reiki.

If yes could you send me a picture  of you , so she could focus exclusively on you every day. 

What do you think?”

I replied, “What a journey this lady has! Energy and zest! Do you have a picture of her too? What drives her? She’s a living inspiration. And why did she want to reiki me? I haven’t even met her!

I don’t know how to do long distance healing. But I can send pinky love! Thank you for making the connection! Now I have one more angel 😇”

How did this lady do it?

After this all? If I can peek into her heart!

It must be SO much deep gratitude and loving life. Total acceptance. Big heartedness. That I do not know yet

Then teacher said, “You do not have to do or give anything. 

Just lay back and enjoy.

Can you do that?”

When I saw “You do not have to do or give anything.”

It lands directly at my heart.

I always had to do many things, I always had so many things to do ——for others first. I always had to do so many things to get the things I want. Things that come my way are hard earned. This is my experience.

Is there any other way ? Maybe! 

So do I really not have to do anything? 

Just like when Teacher told me he would reiki me from afar, or how he’s been looking after me from afar. As much as I m grateful, I cannot understand how it feels like. Why would he even do it? Why does he want to do this? How long has he known me? What good can he have out of this?

Possibly nothing so why does he even commit?

Now looking at this lady who is offering kindness from afar, I am reminded of what he says, “ I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

And this “But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally.”

Have I had this “ i cannot let you…” feeling before?

What is unconditional? I wanted to taste it. Feel it.

Have I experienced it?

Yes. 

Love from my nanny, we moved in with my nanny who took care of me till 7, right after mom’s passing.

My nanny gave me shelter

And always, family home cooked food and soup that went right into my heart to warm me.

Soup that rescued my heart, my entire being, my soul even.

I m reminded of the conversation I had with Huaihao and Qinzhi a while ago.

One day at bedtime, I asked them, “is there someone you think, could take care of mommy, like how mommy takes care of you?”

They said “in the past it was popo yiyi”———- which is how they addressed my nanny  

I asked, “what about now?”

They couldn’t think of any

I take it that the universe heard this conversation. 😊

What is unconditional? How does unconditional feel to you?

Probably when I was very much in love with my then boyfriend and wanted to do everything I can for him.

I thought of my mother’s love for my father. I thought of ah ma’s giving for the tribe. Pretty unconditional I would say.

Can I not be unconditional like them? 

Pretty scary the way they do their unconditional thing.

But one other scene popped up- when Qinzhi collapsed in cedele that day, one couple came over to help. That was close to the unconditional feeling .

The readiness and willingness and graciousness to offer your very essence for another being in the time of need. Pretty close to unconditional I would say.

And now Teacher and this lady.

The one thing common—–this unconditional thing is powered by love and compassion.

Or—Is it like me and how I give my kids? Pressing myself and my priorities down?

There’s something in the way I do it that it doesnt feel like it.

When we do this Unconditional thing —can we do it with more awareness?it be nicer to the self while giving to others? 

One more question- have I unconditionally love myself cared for myself? If I haven’t , Can I do that or start doing that? Can I try to love myself the way I love my kids?

More importantly, why is is that I cant take this kind offer immediately?

I don’t seem open enough to kindness generally.

In fact I feel numb to it and I couldn’t reply teacher. What is stopping me? 

Don’t I need this? No! I absolutely needed it. I was crying out for help and I dont know where or when the help would come.! I m totally lost and dont know what to do.

Maybe this was exactly that I felt many times many years ago. I am glad I could vocalise this now.

And I still have a long way to go——-After all these circles, mental analysis and interpretations, drawing out every inch of energy trying to steer myself every day to the right path , I have not really vocalised my need to actively ask for help.

Like that day when I needed, I didnt say it, then Teacher texted me, n I told him, I tried to do it on my own.

And I am angry at myself for not reaching out. Not saying it out, again.

I realise I have been so angry with myself of late. For making all these choices I have. What exactly is stopping me from a breakthrough?

I think of Qinzhi, when she needs help she doesnt say it too. Until of late, she’s become pretty expressive. 

How did it happen? She’s transformed in a way. 

Just yesterday, she was asking me:”mommy, do you think I m talkative?”

She wouldn’t know how much it means to me to hear her talk. I love it so much I cannot be grateful enough now that she is talking like that.

This is another teacher who is teaching me. Maybe I should learn from Qinzhi.

Going back to the point of doing it by myself, life teaches me that in a way. To just try day after day again and again. If I falter, I would try again. 

I do not choose the easy way out even if there was at times.

Or when people defaulted, I just suck it up and didnt ask for help. I reinforced my capabilities to be by myself. I got disappointed And I hardened up more.

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing there was help?

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing how to open my mouth to get help? What silenced me?

What if I got disappointed but didn’t harden up?

I closed things off! Didn’t I? 

I blocked them away

And I remember each time people are nice to me, I felt indebted and I would do double and made sure I “paid” it back

But still angels came.

And when I saw Teacher ask “Can you do that?”

I couldn’t reply to this message. Until I FEEL I can.

How should I approach this? This time? I wanted to feel my way through

How to I asked myself? Can I take this? 

Was there a point in time when I was younger that someone took something that does not belong to them? Or did I?

Was there some fixation somewhere that I didn’t get past?

Did someone take things from me?

Or was it father’s feelings on not being able to deliver payment? He couldn’t pay, we were paying already and this was the best path to rescue all of us then. My then boyfriend and now husband proposed this and I had to propose that and dad —- has no choice but to agree

The next month, I didnt have to wipe out my salary. Even if once in a while, he would still ask me for money to pay other people outside of the bank.

Was it this I m stucked with?

His feeing of this guilt—even now of not paying up as much as he liked to? even if he wouldn’t want to, he feels there is no other choice. And so I couldn’t ask for help? 

Was it this indebtedness that is making me feel little and unworthy of anything good and what I do is just punishing myself? Damning myself to an end?

This is something new to me.

Dad is still paying whenever he can. Earning to pay his debts. Even if he felt there was no way he could ever pay it off this life.

We didn’t speak about this. And I didn’t realize this could have affected me in any way. I thought that was that.

I thought to leave dad to mind his own and that was it

Didn’t realize there was an emotional component that grew on me. Did i absorb his guilt? And feelings of unworthiness? Helplessness? 

He says even if it is hard even if he is broke he prefers it this way —to continue paying off bit by bit so it is easier on his conscience. It was a promise he made that he wants to fulfill.

He does not like to owe people and would rather choose to be hard on himself 

And now writing all this——What a powerful lesson!

He chose this way, as if to punish himself so maybe he could be more at peace.

Is there another way?

Was this why I needed to figure it all out?

I tried to understand this Teacher said, “can you do this”, I tried to feel for this at bedtime yesterday but I fell asleep

In the morning, I tried again. I really wanted to feel the acceptance before I replied.

And Huaihao was up earlier, so I told him and asked him, should I take this kindness from a lady 90 yr old and so far away?

And Huaihao says yes, because people are nice to you and you should take the kindness.

This little teacher says———– you do not need any reason. You do not have to think so much, Just be intuitive and be with the flow.

Or, you are good enough.

And strangely, yesterday I was pulled into a meeting with top players from SG’s food industry, everyone is banding together———TO ASK FOR HELP. Help from the government to HELP with rental and manpower issues so they can save jobs and keep the industry going through this crisis,

It was a ground up thing

Honestly I felt a bit out of sorts and blocked

I must be caught in between giving and receiving I didn’t know how to give and was half hearted 

But this morning I did a bit more and it felt good actually 

To not ask whether it will work but just do and give of whatever you can to support and push things in a direction that could help

I think the balance between giving and receiving has been tipped and I m reassessing my position with these

When I did my reiki in the morning, I heard myself say, yes. Lets do it. Lets just try it, try receiving.

The exact opposite of what I have been doing.

I know this is a biggest teaching in itself

Just stop giving, try opening up to receiving and see where it is taking me. thats’s a different road like Huaihao said,

Practise receiving———no wonder I do not know the divine is with me. 

What deep teaching this all has been. So much uncovering———- This receiving.

Aiyo!