Running/Walking (xi)

Running/Walking (xi)

I always intended before I started walking or running. To use the practice ahead to expand on my consciousness, to open my mind further . To reconnect with my body, my self——- seemingly brainless or basic things but really it’s not that easy after all.

But as always on me time, inklings always come about.

(I) Like

One day I asked TPY what does she like? And the responses came.

我喜欢被感动,然后去感动别人

我喜欢发现,喜欢新,喜欢去发掘新奇的东西

可能别人会错过的

我喜欢做别人的眼睛,帮别人去发现发掘出来美

In essence, I found out that it’s not so much writing that I liked but discovering the new and seeing how I act on it or react to it. I like to look ahead and watch out for new things and to find the connection with it

(II) Open Up Show Up

On another day, I asked myself why do I need my shield of keloids and it dawned on me that at a certain point in my life, when life rained on me, I felt like I was not able to receive or manage already and so I put up my hands to block

And block all of life I did. The keloids when dad left and mom passed on. Then when Qinzhi experienced epilepsy —— and now writing this made me understand how I put a shield on my navel with the cyst!

When I felt how life was throwing things at me and I was overwhelmed and how life isn’t working for me

I put things up as a shield

And H did send me Louise Hay’s interpretation of a cyst

“Cysts: Running the old painful movie. Nursing hurts. A false growth.
Cystic Fibrosis: A thick belief that life won’t work for you. “Poor me.”

And I took the chance to tell TPY – I do not need to shy away from life and it’s offerings anymore. I affirmed the circle of support I have and once again worked at feeling openness.

I need not hide from life- at all.

I affirm that I enjoy success prosperity vibrant great health and energy amazing fulfilling wholesome relationships

I affirm I am in the flow and always travelling in the best direction

I want to experience openness and success like never before

(III) Breathe

On another day when it rained as I was running, I was more desperate trying to anchor myself on my breath than escaping the rain. When it rained on, the voice in me grew louder : stay with the breath, stay. Move the body not the mind. Stay with the breath, feel it. And that was the gateway or link to the present. Not worries about the rain or getting rained on.

(IV) Yoga

I kind of am reconnecting back to yoga and is intrigued by the things the instructor says during the lesson

Such as- don’t do the pose let the pose do you.

Such as, let the yoga begin now

Such as, we see more when we feel more

The purpose of doing so much is to go in

As the pose gets a bit more intense, find a place to get comfortable . Adjust. Stay with the breath. Move the breath. Move the body not the mind

Find a place for the breath, where it hasn’t been before

And I see squirrels, eagles, birds and know – all is well.

If anything, find all ways to be connected with the self. And always , always come back to centering the self- or the breath.

No matter how hard it is raining. Ot what you see, hear, feel. Come back to the breath.

Walking/Running (x)

Walking/Running (x)

Its been a while since I picked up running 3 times a week. Although each time the route is the same, the process is so different.

What has been different is that H has been coming for healing sessions , energy work and I learn things each time. During the first session, her pendulum wouldn’t move on top of my crown, with energy work, the pendulum always moves in a vibrant fashion . But in subsequent sessions, in the beginning, the movements were small. My vital points were always wanting of movements and energy.

It is no wonder I felt low down and out. Not in the flow not connected.

Thoughts in the night

I have been drifting in and out of sleep at night with thoughts, such as: I have been “managing the keloids ” for the past close to 10 years, is it not enough? Not enough scratching itching inflammation?

Enough already?

I asked myself- or my higher self asked me—- in the middle of the night.

Peeling of layers

Today I peeled off another layer about the keloids.

Whilst walking back after the run, I peeled off another layer. The most recent realisation saw me seeing how the keloids were a shield and a protection for me.

Today I asked why I needed the protection?

The question is: do i still need protection now? The next thing that came to me was that I actually have support layers around me, whether it be family, an essential oil community or healers and people I could reach out to.

I am no longer that little one that needs protection, or -layers of protection.

The next thing I saw was that- the keloids were a shield and protection I desperately put up- in the time I need. There were these moments in time when I could no longer take any more. It was like the waves of life were coming at me. And I must have felt like I needed to block these out, and in a bid to block out whatever that was coming – I could no longer care if it’s good for me or not—- I needed a shield of protection. I needed to hide behind this shield this protection.

Today I saw how used to”shielding/protecting” myself from life I have become accustomed to. The shield and protecting is already happening unconsciously running automatically. In the same measure, the same “reflex”action, this habitual action and mindset, I block myself out of all receiving. Of all good things of all life.

Blocking out has been my habitual act I have become so used to, it happens without thinking.

Surrender

Surrendering is easier said than done. That day when I ran, I tried to work on open awareness. Basically just be aware of everything and anything around you. I felt like there was content in the atmosphere and I just wanted to allow the self to be open to this. To let the divine take over.

Whilst running today, I tried to open myself up. To allow, and to open up and allow. How do you push or let your self be aside and let the divine take over?

What is the feeling of stepping aside? Of putting your ego away in everyday life, in relationships?

Yoga

So many meaningful things felt during the yoga session on Monday. Teacher said, “find a place space for your breath – where it hasn’t gone to in your body. “

At the end of the session, I felt myself in stillness, in that place, there isn’t much movement, and you don’t really want to move. And after I left the studio, I wanted to keep that stillness somewhat. Trying my utmost to not disturb that sensation.

What I like

I told H about how Kim Robinson sat me down and used lipstick on my lips and told me , “Yen you have the most beautiful lips.”

I teared up. For he rescued me in that time of need. And till now, I remembered that moment even if he might not remember me. In my work previously, I have had the honour and privilege of meeting with angels like him, it was as if divinity is speaking to me through them, cherishing me motivating me, energising me.

It is moments like these- I felt connected to the divine. And in the years I have stayed away from work, I kind of lost grip and slipped away from these precious connections.

Getting back to work

I asked bf for support if I was ever going back to work. And he asked me what that is. I described to him how he could leave home without a care and to be devoted to work. Even if the kids were not well, he does not even call back to check on them. And that is because I m holding the fort at home.

And he got it. I asked if he is ready to commit to holding space and the home like this for me, when I get out to work. And when I do, I will have no reservations. I have been storing energy in the past 3 years for me to fly when I get out there.

Reflection

Saw the moon walking back and I instantly and instinctively turned to find the sun, in the opposite direction. Like resonance.

See the moon and you know where the sun is. As in what we see in our lives everyday. As above, so below. As with in, so with out. As the universe, so the soul. ― Hermes Trismegistus

Implant

Implant

It’s been a year or two since the implant started to malfunction.

It started with a pin sized hole in the gum and upping cleaning it a few times, some gum was lost, the metal of the implant was exposed and pus could be soon coming out.

I had been somewhat traumas and angered by this. I was blaming the dentist for not doing a proper job for the implant and for cleaning the pus so I lost some gum.

I went to John and he told me that everything related to the teeth and oral can be meaningful because infection goes back to the blood and brain and can affect the organs the energy the vitality and lead to things like Parkinson’s dementia

I was shaken by this.

He asked me what I want: I want the infection to go away and for the gum to heal

And he asked me to run 3 times a week

He suggested I gave myself a few months to soothe and heal this

He said that my head was very blocked and he needed me and my discipline of eating just twice a day and running to get the qi to flow

I worry about this for a while. Yesterday I headed to the dentist and he showed and explained to me what the 3d scan said

He said that there was no bone surrounding the implant and somehow at some point removal would be the way to go because with that I could let the gum heal and bone grow and the infection can stop

It’s been a few days since I ran and it’s amazing how it cleared me of the mental fog and toning me up

The infection actually slowed down with these simple healthful practice

It wasn’t that hard and I could see results

Actually more than what was said, I felt the healing was in making peace with the dentist and with myself. And the implant.

I had been agonizing over it. Vexed and frustrated by it. Angry and sore about how things turned out.

But I came to understand that no one wants anything to go wrong. And I in fact had a big part to play in anything going anyway —- I had a great part to play in any outcome I wanted.

I had explained to the dentist that my main concern was not aesthetic but in halting the infection. More than anything I m happy I came to a consensus with him that if anything I got to work hard at building my body and to change it from making infection and pus to making peace.

If anything I can—— change my body to one used to making pus and infection to one making a healthy happy peaceful state of calm and harmony

In fact I am grateful now that I have both his and John’s advice to support me on healing this.

And it suddenly dawned on me that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know another part of my body and to make it better!

And listening to Mingyur Rinpoche’s talk on Vajrayana practice made me aware that I could use the power of imagination too! Imagine the bone growing the gum healing !

I can also use affirmative words to support me. Everything that I need to heal is with me.

And I am grateful to receive these inspiring instructions. Thank you angels!

Walking (ix)

Walking (ix)

I was walking in the sun

Breathing in to my navel and sacral

Breathing in fresh air and releasing whatever anger pain frustration guilt shame there might be

And something wonderful came up

Be Proud Of Dad

For every time it hurt and shamed and pained me each time dad asked me for money

I suddenly- yes suddenly, know that in this persistence is an honor of a person wanting to fulfill his promise to others

If I recount properly, dad made a mistake out of ignorance and in that he promised to take responsibility and to take up payment

And payment has been for the last 20years at least – for as long as I know

This is not easy persistence or perseverance

Anyone else could have taken the easy way out to default

But my dad continued to persevere to uphold his promise and to make good his error

To right his wrong

If anything I should be very very proud of him and very very blessed and I want to tell my kids about this story of keeping a promise.

And with that line of thought, I asked the universe for help so I could dad in any little way I can to make him feel better

What If There Was Nothing To Heal

I have been thinking about this for a while. What if there is nothing to heal. If everything is happening for me and that I m guided by the divine always. And throat everything that I need is taken care of by the divine, it is about accepting and living with what I have.

And there is—- nothing to heal.

What would be I be. How different would I feel ?

Having this faith

Pent up Anger

Pent up Anger

HuaiHao found himself having a sore throat and fever.

And I did what I did and bf did what he did. We circled back into the cycle and that got me really worked up.

I found myself shutting him out and off – for him saying the things he said and doing the things he used to.

I feel anger and all of those I stored up- each time the kid was not well he said the same – did the same- all of those.

I feel so pent up that I was dizzying away and I knew energies were imbalanced

Was tired out . I was almost shutting down and shutting off had it not been for the need to care for HuaiHao

I feel so blocked and uncomfortable my stomach area was not really digesting and today I woke up with my little finger numb.

If something is in pain or numb it means the circulation is bad and the flow isn’t ideal

As I walked – I just find that I needed to get out for a walk and to do some release,

And it occurred to me that pent up energies is stored there in the little finger. So I kept doing circulatory movements to get the flow

Kept breathing in and letting stale energies flow out from there

Was belching a lot

Yesterday somehow while I was itching and scratching at the keloids , it occurred to me that I had the tendency to harden and stiffen myself up each time I met with a not so ideal situation

To handle or manage a particular time, I stiffen and harden myself up clench my teeth to meet with it head on

And yes of late I realise I have been clenching my teeth a lot a lot unconsciously and I been doing my best to undo this clench

Hardening up and stiffening has been my modus operandi and my body showed that to me to wake me up in the form of the keloids the inherent spirit – because the body is a reflection of the mind!

Showing to me how I force my way out clenching my teeth tightening my jaws and body to fighting a way out

With this realization —-/I feel immensely thankful.

Thankful and full of gratitude to the divine and most of all to my body for supporting me all the while the way it did and doing the best for me

I want to change

I am willing to change

Nothing needs to be forced. No strength is needed to get things going.

I Release This Old Mode Of Living By Force, Of Driving Myself By Force, By Hardening Up Stiffening Myself Up

I choose to soften to go with the flow to breathe in to be comfortable with whatever life brings me. Because I know – everything is happening for me, everything I need is taken care of by the divine . And that I m always divinely protected guided and loved.

There is nothing I cannot do and everything is possible.

Om

Keep Your Vibration High

Keep Your Vibration High

It’s been a few days since I started my day early with a set of warm ups to awaken the body

And I listened to the Grow Younger affirmations by Tapping Solution as I did the simple exercises

And it dawned on me in the early hours of the day—— that all I need to do is to keep it high

Keep the mood the state on a high

Keep the vibration high

And naturally the good things come

There is no need to send out job applications or manoeuvre in anyway , change anything drastically

Just move and keep moving and loving the energy

9 Yrs 3 Mths

9 Yrs 3 Mths

Huaihao asked me these questions the morning of Easter.

“Mommy, if you have 3 powers, what would they be?”

I said I wanted to be able to create what I want. (and in my mind, i heard myself say, I already have that power, in fact all of us do, we are powerful creators and we create our own reality.)

The second was to heal everything I touch. (and in my mind, i knew I or we already have that power.)

The third was to be where I want.

Huaihao added, “you mean the power of teleportation?”

I asked him in return what powers he wanted. To which he said, “I want the power of wisdom, so that I can make the right decisions, I want the power of health, so that i can clean up everything in the sea and it would be clean and the power of teleportation.”

We continued our conversation.

Then he asked, “Mommy, is there anything you want back in your life and anything that you want out of your life?”

I said, after a while of thinking , “maybe my mommy? then grandpa would have a companion and (he said, —your life would be more whole?) and you would have a grandmother.”

And i would want to have all the strong energies or emotions that bring me the cyst and the keloids out .

And I asked Huaihao, what then would he want in his life and out? He said he wanted papa to be not angry and wanted to be back again to younger days.

And i asked if he really wanted to be little again.

Then he asked me what the soul does.

I said the soul evolves and learns along the way. And shared with him some theories i have come across, such as us picking where we were going to be born in, what we are going to learn and who we are going to meet. But—What a question from the little one!

Another day, we spoke about his dad in his own cave. And we discussed what strategy we would employ to help dad?

I proposed 2 ways, to go in there and fetch him out. Or, to remain at a high and he matches our high. We discussed how easy it was for us to match him at his state or be affected by him doing or his non doing . And Huaihao said, “guys just be yourself and don’t follow the hurt!”

I m so amused by the wisdom of this little one, and I asked how this came out. Did he read this somewhere or copy ?

And he laughed, “I just pooped it out”

I love how he dishes and sends me these nuggets of inspiration in such a light way. It makes me realise that wisdom, love is always with me.

This day after school, qinzhi has CCA and I took Huaihao out to Tenjin for lunch. Like a little excursion of sorts for us. Me time.

On this weekend morning, we walked and headed to Jewel. When Huaihao saw this fountain and the rainbow that was reflected, he said, “seeing this gives you hope right, Mommy”

And there’s so much beauty in this appreciation and sharing. Seemingly little things that brighten you up.

Was getting qinzhi to say affirmations such as I love, approve and accept myself and HuaiHao was around and he said, “Happiness is me.” And when we were running he said “I m god”

Wow. He isn’t that far off from this truth- we are created in the likeness of god and we all have these wonderful amazing qualities.

This weekend, we did Duck Tours.

And this is Huaihao’s booklet recording his device time. Love his doodles!

Power does not come from saying, it comes from the heart!

And one day he popped out of the bath in this getup, and felt satisfied in me being so amused.

He also started to plate his dinner

This friday at ah yi’s, ah mei ah yi was trimming his nails.

One evening we went shopping for groceries and took the chance to ice cream

Another day, Huaihao wrote his own story and came up with a tongue twister

And bedtime with HuaiHao is always lovely. He said he still remembers how breast milk tasted 

“It’s sweet, a bit salty and not fishy like milk”

HuaiHao was tucking me in bed and I feel so loved

I said thank you and this makes me feel like a princess 

“ but you already are !”

But I m not pretty

“ why do you say that?!” He sulked

“ you are pretty and if you believe you are, you are!”

So well said 

Think thoughts that make you happy

Do things that make you feel good

Be with people who make you happy

Eat things that make your body feel good

Go at a pace that makes you feel good

Today I went for my third dose of vaccine and came home totally zapped of energy and I feel breathless.

HuaiHao offered to massage me and did it for so long after he raindrop me.

Amazingly his hands always pointed to the right spot where pain and soreness residedI

Asked him how he knew and he said, “ this part is softer and jiggly but here is stiff.”

I had sone pain in my right arm and elbow but HuaiHao said the stiffness is more pronounced in my left shoulder

Then he said, “ the left hand is connected to your right side of the brain and vice versa. And the left side is the logical brain and so it follows that you are stuck in the logical aspect. And mom, you are like a sponge soaking up all the oil . It’s like if you like it you soak it up but if you don’t you leave it all there.”

Wow

Then he continued to massage me until his back is sore and I told him that I do not want that.

We lay down on our backs and he massaged my face.

It was so good I said many thanks to him. I bowed down to HuaiHao and thank his healing hands for saving me out of the lousy feeling.

To which he said, “you make me happy too.”

I took the opportunity to remind him of how magical and powerful his love was , pulling me out of the deep and reviving me.

Then I went on to caress his hands. And I felt myself teary for the warmth of the touch was good to me too

I asked HuaiHao how he felt.

“Makes me feel like crying.” He said.

I m grateful for HuaiHao . Thank you for healing Mommy precious one! Love you so much HuaiHao!

Missed the bus, but hey

Missed the bus, but hey

I did all I can at my best, prepared all the brews, breakfast and lunch for HuaiHao , did raindrop for him and headed out for my reiki 2 class.

Before I decided, the tired feeling came on.

Now that I journal, I just know—— it is not mine. But the husband is going thru his cycle. Unconscious to it .

All along when HuaiHao is not feeling well, he would stay clear and not be responsive. He would side step and I would handle.

This time too. But today as I was deliberating if I should stay at home or head for class, I decided the latter.

The hub has gone back to bed- a sign that he is switching off and going back into his old mode.

So I would make room, consciously for him to go through the process. What is different is that, as opposed to telling him what to do, letting him know what I prepared, instructing him as to how he should act ie to take responsible, I left after letting HuaiHao know what he can expect from what I have prepared.

I will leave my expectations somewhere there, with room for them to play it out. Rather, for the daddy to be guided by the son. Or rather, for the divine to set things in order.

For all that I need to know, will be revealed to me in divine order. And all that I need, is taken care of by the universe.

I see them breakthrough. And it will be different from the past.

And so it is.

I popped down and saw the drizzle and went back upwards to get an umbrella. When I went down the drizzle was somewhat gone. I feel light and reiki love outwards.

Then I saw the bus I was aiming for pass me by.

I shouldn’t have went back up for the umbrella! I thought.

But as I was nearing the bus stop, I saw the outline of another bus, and that is the bus for me. Less crowded. And I got the space and the feeling to journal this down.

Sometimes, missing a bus might not be that bad because a better one comes by.

Like what the Dalai Lama says, sometimes missing something is a blessing.

How Blessed I AM, How Blessed You Are

How Blessed I AM, How Blessed You Are

Dan Dennett: Collected Wisdom on Memes, Luck, Consciousness, and Existence

“Every living thing is, from the cosmic perspective, incredibly lucky simply to be alive. Most, 90 percent and more, of all the organisms that have ever lived have died without viable offspring, but not a single one of your ancestors, going back to the dawn of life on Earth, suffered that normal misfortune. You spring from an unbroken line of winners going back millions of generations, and those winners were, in every generation, the luckiest of the lucky, one out of a thousand or even a million. So however unlucky you may be on some occasion today, your presence on the planet testifies to the role luck has played in your past.”