I was chatting to Widya at midnight and I felt good.
It made me think why.
I was running with the sun’s beam on my everywhere and it felt good.
The sun is a good on its own
And it dawned upon me that if we shine and be like us – very us, nothing but just us, every moment, we would be bright and brilliant, we would be a good for everyone everything around us
Just focus and keep on getting better
Keep running TPY
I was feeling really choked and muddled in the body and mind and I knew I had to write
I had to write to sort out my thoughts and to find a starting point again
The question is this: how can we do better? What else can we do? What is the direction I am heading towards? I need to chart my path.
With the passing of Ah Siong Hia, I feel it even stronger that direction of life is more than important. I feel it even more urgent that I know clearly what I really like want and need.
I need to get there.
More than staying in misery sadness fear regret doubts suspicion or anything else. I have done enough of this.
Accustomed habits and emotions that have weighed on us can consume us too easily . They had gravity in our lives. And over the years repetition has given them sustainability. But- why (are we) stuck in the rut when we actually know very well that we wanted the exact direct opposite!
We want peace and calm. Ease and joy. Comfort and satisfaction. Strength and clarity. We need awareness
Where is it we want to be at ? That’s where we put our energy and awareness at .
How can we work with life with the divine with ourselves to make it better?
The report card comes at the point of “graduating” from life
In the last few days there were lots that went around in the mind. Parents or elders , our younger generation and our own selves.
How can we make “graduating” easy effortless for everyone and not like any other “graduation ceremony “ that I have attended?
I thought for a while, it’s not how much money one has or not, how accomplished or famous one is——or not.
Then these words came into my mind:
No regrets
No grudges
Living life the very way your heart wants, gently. Doing things that make your eyes sparkle, giving hope and warmth
A clean open pure heart
Being in love
Only love love and more love
Everyday every minute every moment . To live love , in love. And to intend everything from it. Act out of it.
Be it.
I am reminded of what HuaiHao said this morning. We were lying on the bed and I asked him what is it I should explore.
He said “nature”
But “ not see it but be in it. Because seeing it is different from being in it”
I recall what Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche said, that the opportunity to begin again is in each and every moment “
Let’s try this!
And I just have to share this here again from teacher Stephan
“Just one of these bursts during the flight…
Human Beauty
Comes from
Love and Courage
For life
Have great day”
It’s amazing how being in nature can be. It’s not just healing but feeling part of something bigger
(I) divinity
I was trying to contemplate again on the divine. A while ago, I remember I asked myself if I believed there is god or divine? And not just knowing but feeling god or the divine?
In the run this idea came again. The idea that if this intelligence is the very one that is making birds chirp and giving them their spectacular colours of green blue yellow, it must be the same one to make me sing with joy.
(II) In place
In the run I saw a little worm suspended in mid air held by such a fine almost next to nothing thread of a web.
If this isn’t divine what is?
And in that place it is in place. Even there hung in mid air.
And even now where I am, I am in place.
(III) no reason
The idea that there is no reason for me not to be happy popped into my head. The same goes for contentment, satisfaction.
With what I have where I am, is there any reason for me to not be content or joyful? But instead of feeling grateful I was always judging and looking at more, it was my expectations my wanting more that is creating unhappiness.
But while people are rushing for work, I am having the opportunity to be out in the sun to work for my physical and mental body, to hear these thoughts and to check myself.
Is there any reason I shouldn’t be happy ?
It’s been quite a while since I last ran.
As usual, I intended this session as a practice for me get in touch with my heart. And it’s wonderful what came out of it.
(I) open
Allowing and practicing how to keep open. Each time thought comes- and they do, come back to openness.
This involves the willingness to come back – again and again.
(II) intelligence
What makes the sky blue and the clouds white? What makes the birds and butterflies fly? I saw a squirrel and followed it’s path across the greens and up a tree- so light so lighthearted.
Some kind of intelligence up there that I actually have sense of but could do more with.
If this is the very thing that is letting birds fly then what is it doing to me, I m in the same space in the same intelligence as the birds and bees.
I tried to tap into and use this for healing
This very intelligence that kept me alive and rescued me countless times. It’s the reason I am here for.
How can we with with this intelligence more. We do not do this enough.
I realize once again I have been many chances and opportunities by the divine . I spring back once and again . To life, for life. There is something else I want to do , need to do.
(III) surrender
The fact is the body is a superpower capable of healing- and we have to do all we can to support it. The body is on our side, always.
As I try and work with this intelligence, I offered and surrendered my problems and issues and allow the divine to take over.
(IV) power
If we are all expressions of the divine, and the divine is in us, it follows that we have the inherent divine abilities
We have the power- we are so powerful. This power is precious.
But I took me so long to see this . That we have the capacity and capability to bless ourselves. And this is what I did in the last few nights at bedtime, blessing my body wherever needed
Bf was sharing with me about powers . He believes that we should live according to our DNA or our gifts. If we do otherwise, it will be like a fish out of water.
What is your water? What and where is your power?
He says that and it made me think about mine. All along he always chided me for being emotional and I am always so led by emotions, frequently led and misled. They are powerful.
And I haven’t really consciously used them as a power. What if I do?
What if I do?
(V) believe belief
What do you / I believe in?
I just sharing with bf that during my secondary school days I wanted so much to get out of the strata I was in that I did my utmost and become one of the three who would get into Hwa Chong in that academic year.
Bf asked me what is it about my strata. What strata ?
I told him what I saw at that age. An age wheee womenfolk had to do their husband’s bidding and had no place . An age where my parents had to bow down to authority. An age where people felt they had no choice. An age of a lot of powerlessness and where parents had to submit and say “this is life” when they felt like they had no other choice
Even as a kid, I did not like hearing that
We have choices but we too often gave it away
I wanted to have choice I wanted to have freedom I wanted to decide for myself and I did my best with a silent resolve to get out. To get out of any situation where I would choose like my parents did.
To me then, to get out means to strive for a better life where there are other possibilities, at the very least, possibilities other than what I then have.
I believed in myself in working hard and being focused on my goals. And true enough, I got what I wanted.
And bf asked, “ so if you believed so much in yourself where did that believe go?”
I recounted the time in JC when dad started to ask for financial support and I started to care badly for my school
Now instead of blaming him, I could see that I made the choice yes I , to choose the east way out rather than push on, choose to submit and found myself back at the “strata”
And now I could answer what teacher asked- what did you not like about pinyen.
I did not like me giving up – on myself. Then.
I wonder now how it would have been if I pushed on.
Yet not any step of the way I have come is wasted.
The path I have taken has been so blessed by people angels buddhas god the divine and they have all supported to now.
And the questions I ask now – are not any different from the ones I asked when I was a teen . The desire to get out is the same.
Do you think/know/feel there is a greater/bigger hand up there with a plan?
If so, what is the relationship with this hand?
I kind of was asking myself the question a lot of late
Quite a number of people around me talks about a divine a god a creator who has a plan for us all. But this isn’t something you get to know by instructional knowledge. It’s something you feel for more than anything else.
2 days back as I was walking towards my hairstylist’s , I thought to myself , what plan is in place and is getting curious.
“I must be following your plan right? I heard myself say. There must be a reason for this.” As I m walking it. I mean I kept seeing these numbers 1111, 222,1221, 1414
Content around Angel numbers say these are messages from the guardian angels and it means you are guided . I sometimes wonder what is the path
This morning in my run, I asked what god or the divine wanted me to know right now.
And I asked myself to open up to this run.
And the response that came back was, “ let go”
I realized how much of a control I am and how things were tough because I exerted control or wanted to control. And how things changed whenever I let go.
For when we have the idea to control, we are using our limited awareness, capabilities capacities to reach something . And that could a diversion or a thwart to the bigger plan.
We close off all other possibilities when we have the eye or mind for just one. The world becomes smaller and we coop ourselves there
While it’s not difficult to see this, it can be complex when we want to practice this . The habitual pattern of clinging and wanting to do something is often called out . And with the reinforced habits of having controlled, it’s way easier to choose control over letting go again
On another note as I ran, I tried to feel for my core and found something propelling me. That’s what beneath the breath, the support for my breath. The only thing I really have. That’s life force or divinity — that which is always propelling me forth.
ITS there!
I try to keep all else away but that in my awareness and to feel it . It is always with us, but with all perceptions beliefs values emotions …layered upon it ,
How many times have we heard—- that we are expressions of the divine and how the divine is in us ?
And do we believe this or know this? To establish this knowing , I think- start feeling. Just feel.
I had a bedtime chat with HuaiHao and it’s so precious and enlightening all at once
He commented that I was tired mentally. I asked him why and he said, “ maybe you over did the job search”
Indeed, I was feeling tired and drowsy and I had a pain in my left shin. Dull aching one nagging at me
Why is my body trying to say to me? I asked.
Earlier on I had home for an interview, and I guess there were parts of me not being truthful with myself. I was trying to suppress some parts and that surfaced.
I didn’t really want some things in that job chat session and I wasn’t speaking my truth. I tried to suppress the feelings of dislike and make myself – no force myself to it in desperation to get myself out of the house
HuaiHao rightfully spotted my tired. I told him I was kind of frustrated because I have t got any headway as I went about sending out job applications
To which he said, “ then that’s because they are not yours.”
He made it sound like I should be happy.
And actually his sense of knowing is so great he put me to shame
He made me know that I got to acknowledge my feelings rather than suppress them in my frenzy to escape and get out
And HuaiHao stopped me and asked me – so what do I want
“I don’t really want to go back to full time”
“Yes I think you will feel very tired”
“I think something which allows me to do something I like, spend some time out of the house , expressing myself and my experiences, and if it can help others and is meaningful that will be very nice. Because I want to be home for you and jiejie, even if I don’t cook very well, I want to give you good food. I want to be the first one to share your joy if you get 100 marks for ting xie and spelling!”
And HuaiHao got me my answer.
He said that even heading to curate programs for wellness isn’t really me.
So I asked him what is me.
And he says, “ like what ah Mei ah yi does. Reviewing something upon receiving. That is what.”
And yes. Being an editor a journalist is what suits me best. And
I knew it.
Thank you HuaiHao!
And precious Qinzhi sent me this
Dad and Mom headed off to Europe on 22 Dec 22, and Huaihao is off to ah yi’s house for a staycay..
I must thank ah yi and grandpa for taking care of qinzhi and huaihao and in return, Huaihao did raindrop for grandpa and qinzhi
And had a wonderful meal at Summer Pavilion to celebrate Karyn jiejie’s birthday
I sent these to Qinzhi and Huaihao and hope they receive this little message from me during Xmas
And planted little notes of “I love you ” in their wardrobe to let them feel that Mommy’s heart is always with them no matter how far—and writing this made me aware of my mom’s heart too. How far away can that be?
Whenever i called, huaihao would exclaim and in those few moments, i could feel his longing and how much he missed me.
We finally got home on 11 Jan and huaihao woke up midnight to hug me—- half asleep. he kind of caught the flu virus in a little way and had been sneezing and coughing over the last weekend.
And since then, huaihao lost some weight. while he still looked rosy and blushy, he shed off some 2 kgs and told me he has no appetite and his tummy felt painful. As the rashes on his skin is there still and fading, I finally took him to Dr Ngiam. And what a great decision this was!
Dr Ngiam saw Qinzhi 14 years ago when she was born and then Huaihao when he was born. Every time in need, he was the angel the godsend who shared advice on what to do
This time, I shared with Dr Ngiam Huaihao’s skin rashes and pictures of what went wrong. And also, the GP who diagnosed it as herpes and gave us a cream and antibiotic.
Dr Ngiam saw the photos and at one sight said that this is not herpes, but a skin infection! That was why the medication did not work ! I told him about Huaihao’s lack of appetite and he said, “never force a child to eat, and don’t give him this and that, we chinese families like to do this. But just because a fish is more expensive doesn’t mean it’s good! Then are you saying a certain type of people is better than the others?”
And he ended his advice always with his signature “understand or not?understand or not?”
I shared that Huaihao kept complaining about tummy discomfort. And asked me, “so does he have stomach pain on weekends?holidays? If he doesn’t, then this is situational and psychological and if he doesn’t disturb him, you don’t have to treat it, Understand or not? “
I asked Huaihao if he has tummy aches on weekends and Dr Ngiam retorted, “No, I am asking you!”
He turned to Huaihao and asked him gently about certain conditions, pretty different from how he spoke to me, And his love for children is obvious.
I went on to ask him about Huaihao’s nose bleeds, and he says if it’s bad and disturbs him, then we use a nasal spray to help treat it. I told him we used that before and that did not work.
To which Dr Ngiam remarked, “Doesn’t mean that you don’t get it again right. It doesn’t mean the treatment is not effective. You see if you get Covid and recovered, get well, you can still get Covid right. Understand or not?”
I do not know why I always go soft and feel like tearing up each time I see him and get advice from him, But the feeling is like I am just immensely thankful and grateful he is there when we needed him.
Even Huaihao says, “I feel so relieved now after seeing Dr Ngiam.”
Yes yes and more than that. Thankful for this godsend this angel who gave us help we needed. He is such an inspiration, always reminding me to not get carried away by hearsay, customs, cultures and to go down to the basics and to be logical. I always remember him saying, “cow drink cows milk and humans drink humans milk!”
He has aged quite a bit but still spritely and speaking with gusto and that is the best thing I am grateful for for this angel. Thank you Dr Ngiam, may you be well and happy always and your love for children and passion for child care always light and warm up another.
And before long, it’s eve of CNY eve, Huaihao is very excited about it because this year his birthday fails on the first day of CNY. HE really is looking forward to presents and CNY.
So we went shopping for CNY goodies at NTUC and he and Qinzhi helped carry the things back, hoping this would give the kids some sentiments about how CNY is like. Then at home, he helped me arrange the goodies into the snack box. And indeed had lots of good time checking out the goodies himself
And Gengyan jiujiu’s friend passed us a very nice mandarin orange and pineapple pie and the foodie had it of course.
We had a chance to pop by gengyan jiujiu’s new house!And Qinzhi and Huaihao found the best seat in the house!
And before long, CNY is here. As i get older , I learn to celebrate each and every reunion. Togetherness is a blessing. And to have the same food every year is slowly becoming a tradition.
And it happens that Huaihao’s birthday falls on the first day of CNY and Gengyan jiujiu got him a cake that he requested for.
And Huaihao stayed up really late to fix an elmo lego on CNY eve, he declared he was going to sleep at 12 midnight because tradition goes that if the young stays up on CNY eve, then the parents in the tribe enjoys longevity.
On the first day of CNY, Huaihao woke up early and he was so happy because its his birthday. He really looked forward to the day and the presents he was going to get.
But he got really upset when he heard that his daddy did not get him a present. His dad always did. On every year. And Huaihao was looking forward to it. And when he knew that daddy didn’t, he cried really hard. There were lots of emotions choking him. And I felt him.
But he recovered after some crying. And then Gengyan jiujiu came along and Huaihao and Qinzhi said good wishes, then we went over to ah mei ah yi’s. Then to ah yi popo’s at Pasir Ris.
At night, we had another celebration with everyone and so blessed it is to have everyone at the table singing along.
Dear Huaihao, may you be well and happy always. Thank you for you.
6 Jan
We rose early and hopped on the train to Paris.
But the gains we got by arriving in Paris at 10am was somehow made up for by a train we took to zone 5 down south of Paris w hi Ole gunning for our hotel in zone 2
I didn’t know why I booked that hotel- and only realised it’s so far away from the city center after payment was made
And then while making our way there we took a train which took us southwards before looking back west to Versailles chantiers
But I was hesitant to think that this is a mistake
And it made me see why. While bf was fussing over the error and worried I was all chill and relaxed. With him around, I can relax
It once again made me see what I have taken granted for – while complaining about it what I don’t see I want, I forgot about what a lot he has provided for – so I can be this way
He said, “ it could have been so near but we took the long route”
I was reminded of the bliss happiness the everything we have up close but we did not see because of our own myopia, we kept chasing for what we don’t have and forgot about cherishing what is with us
What is love ?
We took a walk at arc de triumph , champs de elysee, and all the way down to the le marais
He kept saying that he does not like the city and there is nothing to like it
He was asking why I would like this city and I was thinking to myself: I like it because when I found something nice , I wanted to share with someone I love
That culminated in this trip
But we finally got to Paris and I am certain he will find something nice
4 Jan
Took a day trip out of Lyon to Perouges. the medieval town is a 20min walk from the train station.
You gently curve up stone clad paths and find yourself bumped into another time-space. Stone-clad houses lined with bricks, curved pebbles on the ground polished by time, this very small medieval village and one of the most beautiful in France, is straight out of the past.
It’s a place where the imagination comes alive.
We came back into this reality and headed to the Meximeux food market. I love produce – not that I cook well but the vibrant colours always nourish me
3 Jan
Headed to Lyon after Annecy and this is a city all about food.
Every boulangerie looks tempting, the. There’s endless Bouchons, Brasserie,Bistros not forgetting the boulangeries to check in into
Our first stop- Les Halles! SO MUCH FOOD!
We took a walk to Place Bellacour and saw the Sun King Louis IX’s statues we also walked over and saw The Little Prince’s statue
Then strolled slightly and checked out shops before heading to victorinox where we spent good time there. Had dinner at Le Casse Musseau before walking back
Lyon is lovely with a good balance of all the shopping alongside the quiet
Yellownblac's II Weblog 