Today I felt the body toughen up as I lugged the school bags

It’s a new degree of understanding- like in a flash you saw the muscles tighten

Ahhh so I am still toughening up! That was a discovery! I am still using that set of habits to get about my daily chores

Why? Of course !

I had known that method that habit for at least 20years

Shouldering. Toughening up with brut strength and force

Meeting a challenge by garnering all that I have. Forcing my way through without a care or concern for myself.

With all my might.

And as I saw the traffic light turn green I was ready to rush for it

I felt how

I felt my body stiffen so readily in a bit to chase

Forcing myself into the situation

Then I asked how else I could do this?

I tried to chase without the toughening

To watch the subtleties

And it felt better

Lighter

I continued to intentionally send light to the girl that was me, shouldering it all—— that was when I was carrying the bags

And I told myself to be mindful

Let every step make the difference

And this morning , HuaiHao saw the moon

Then I saw it again after kissing the kids goodbye

And as I walked back I saw the moon more and more

And as I took the last photo

It was as if o was giving the moon a face

And then I realized how the and why plane got close to the moon

Just by moving

The plane moved I moved

We must move ourselves first

We can change how things look or appear

Isn’t that wonderful?

Just by moving ourselves not anything else

Knowing this gives you power

And then I got home and saw the sun brimming at me

I ask it for all the light power wisdom happiness joy peace that I need to heal

And yet another lesson is — look up

Oh and

I used the Crystal yesterday

When I slept it was with me

And I wrote om on my tummy with it

This morning when I reiki myself

I used it again and felt its immense power

I began to draw circles starting small and from the navel outwards

Then bigger and bigger ones and still felt it’s pull and energy

How amazing!

And now as I finish writing this sentence

I know I m creating a safe bubble of space here that is supported for myself

As I carried these bags I want to go back to the times I carried the heaviest things and did not feel anything

The weight of my father’s debt

The family’s survival

My new work and it’s demands

My siblings

Being mother or anchor to my family

My own life

I actually want to go back. Ha

I want to go back —— to offer lovingly, sunshine, wind, rain light to that girl who has hardened up and chose to take everything on, out of love and responsibility for the family —— and yet, is angry at herself

I want these elements of nature to support her heal her listen to her caress her love her hug her 

And I saw her hold up her head and nod—- feeling more ready and supported ——- even if the burdens are still the same.

She knows she is supported greatly

And as I m typing this in this bus, I saw a globe of orange

The sun on his way up

So magnificent I want to cry

So beautiful 

And I m here to witness it

And I have the chance of experiencing its power might and light ——— after all

I want to soak up all its goodness all the light all the wisdom it embodies

I want to gift it unto myself

And because of these little changes I have made to my life, everyday becomes a practice. And everyday you derive different understandings from the practice. Like a distillation of sorts.

And today I realized how important Stephan’s sharing is: On the part of Guan Yin

Having her and many versions of her on my navel- the symbolic significance is that I m a bodhisattva

Without being arrogant or prideful , this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are saying

Everyone is a Buddha

And CAN be a Buddha when we realize the essence of life 

Emptiness

And emptiness EVEN AFTER all experiences, pain, suffering, happiness, exhilaration

Or the willingness to become like an open empty vessel again

Finding peace with oneself with others with life

Remembering this, just knowing what Stephan said of the guan yin at the navel gave me a lot of power and strength

That I should use it to motivate myself to greater good

And never give in give up easily

To always seek out another way another way another way ——— there must be so many

That I m more and can be more than what it seems or I am now

It gave me a powerful shot of wisdom in an instant and can guide me to making all the big and little choices in life

Knowing that she is listening to me

Supporting me 

WITH ME

And makes me want to work harder to realize myself 

Like —— wanting to model after her and be a better tpy

Truly shiny truly peaceful and joyful at heart

914am on a swing Telok Ayer:

I just had a back bend yoga session

And in the midst of it

I actually felt like crying . Feels like things are surfacing

Pain and suffering actually.

Could have been the Heart Sutra Mantra or some gatte gatte prayer they played in the background as we went through the poses

The instructor is opening my body up and a terror really.

Now as I write, I know why! Well the force he is using to open me up in yoga poses, made me KNOW all the force I applied on myself and

I just teared up

I couldn’t and wouldn’t even know how much a terror I was onto myself until now

But in the session, I want to open up and I did, amidst all the pain

It was a nice experience feeling yourself being lifted and pivoting on the navel

How much support has it given me all the while without me realizing 

It’s terrifying to do an inversion even if you are on the ground and you are just bringing yourself backwards

I feel like I m only supported by my head and I m not balanced and any other movement will have me break my neck

I tried to look into the instructor’s eyes and to find trust 

I couldn’t bring myself to

And I kept asking him to put me down 

Bring me back

I say I m falling and he says no: “You are just afraid”

And I remember Stephan say, “do not be afraid, have no fear”

Then my thoughts drifted to yesterday, I have let some crockery to dry on the stove and my husband got so mad he said stupidity comes out of this.

He had told me that water not be put on the stove, because in fengshui, water and fire should not clash.

But what’s the big fat problem with leaving some dishes to dry on the stove?

I tried to explain that I have always let the dishes dry and in an hour or so after being air fried by wind, I would put them on the dish rack

He refused to listen and said, stupidity comes out of this.

I think my tears were coming out of every single body part, but I cannot let them out at that instant. Why? My kids are with me. Huaihao is close by. Can I let my temper out like he did?

I choose not to.

I acknowledged my anger and later I knew, they were not just anger but hurt.

I m disappointed beyond words

Yes it was a moment of anger no doubt on his end but you do not do this loving and appreciating and respecting a person

And what do I do?

My divine, what do I do?

I went to him to ask for an apology. Then the next day, I lashed back at him.

I did not disrespect him even if he was smoking, not a graduate, a poor man then. I turned his life around. He quit smoking, I got him a proper job I changed his diet. I gave him a lot of love.

In fact I had full respect for him.

And even if at home he did things that appeared not sensible to me, I did not say he is stupid.

And after doing so much for the family, for him, I got heartache in return and a lot of it.

How much hurt have I experienced ? Is it not enough? And what made me most angry is that I always fall into this after healing , or after achieving some sense of peace and balance. Feels like all of my effort is thwarted in a flash.

I did not come into a relationship for hurt.

I decided to reiki myself on the swing

I said the gokai

And today it’s meaning is yet a bit more different

Just for today

I do not angry— it also means finding other ways out other than being angry

It means you can explore because angry is only one possibility and

I know I can do more

I do not worry

—— what are the other things I can do, they are many things I can do besides worry , such as yoga reiki meditation breathe

I m grateful

——- being able to sit here and having these thoughts 

I thought of HuaiHao and the pinky love

I always told him to send it out should he sense someone in need

I thought I needed that v much now to envelop myself with this 

I ask the divine to nourish me comfort me

And then I saw a cockerel  

Is that the divine?

I take it as so because it brought a smile onto my smile

I ask it to come close if it is and I closed my eyes 

I think I m heartbroken

I felt the pain 

How can love once so sweet turn into this ?

Too hurtful

Then I heard a pecking 

And there it is just next to me

The cockerel! As if to offer me some companionship

And I felt like vomiting 

So many things crowded at the chest area

Wanting to come out 

And I saw myself using the crystal like a pen on the cyst

I was doing self reiki, and thought, why not use the crystal and write om on my tummy?

There’s a space there and it’s calling out for love and nourishment 

I used the tip of the crystal like a pen, to fill the space with just this and the magic

Then I carried on walking.

When my soul is in need, it is always food that rescues me

It’s as if they are calling out to me and  I’ll just walk till I stop

Is it this stall?

I would linger in front of it

Not that my heart wills

This one 

These simple fare made by hawkers, by humble people rescued me

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Most of all, a bowl of hot red bean soup boiled to tender softness with brown rice and peanut. With every scoop you could smell fragrance of the brown rice and it brought me back to the time I was a young child and nanny would cook brown rice porridge for me.

Soft textures have a lot in there . Maybe that is why I am so drawn to them.

Soft textures require a lot of work, thought, technique, experience, emotion, love and above all, strength to execute

Strength to restrain and to be less to be more.

It’s inspiring to me because I m learning to be strong sure balanced yet soft. I have no wish to harden up or be jaded and allow myself to be let down by disappointments in life by people——- who may lack the wisdom and acted in the ways they did

I am going to continue on my path to cultivate myself and use these as exercises for me to flex my muscles ——- at being soft

It seemed like I have been feeling the weight of the past or was it the time of the month that made it more indigestible? 

I was craving for time for myself to have the space for myself to reiki

And I discovered how the bath can be such an important ritual for not just the body——-but the mind as well

And today the sunlit water worked really well for me!

I used it not just on my abdomen and front but invited its work and magic on my face my back my shoulders my legs as well

The pain in my left shoulder is getting at me

What was it trying to say?

Too heavy PY and all along too much to do!

It needed to feel happiness !

So joy came to mind and afterwards I used this essential oil on my shoulders

Then I saw how the sunlit water came down on my body my tummy area my abdomen

The water was cleaning my navel just like how water would work on terrain or a pot hole and the soil would be circling the hole before being washed out

Gently hitting the body the sunlit water was and delivering light to it

And I thought again- might this be sparks Stephan said he saw?

If so, he could be seeing cleansing ?

And if these r what he saw, I must be pretty beautiful inside

Because otherwise I wouldn’t see this myself

These beautiful sparks are showing my beautiful inside. And if I can find beauty and appreciation for these sparks of sunlit water, why can’t I find appreciation and recognition for my good self? My inside?

Like my keloid area — if it’s like that on the outside , the inner correspondent area certainly needed more work on

And I was asking my self

• what is the cyst trying to tell me?

The little bruise I got on my left hand enlightened me and told me I am delicate and I have been using too much force on myself

Forcing things on myself forcefully and not listening enough to my capabilities and giving consideration to my body

I learn to slowly heal it using lavender and smearing it anticlockwise 

Now it’s gone 

And it’s giving me confidence to work at myself 

So scarring can be undone

I asked myself what is it that the cyst is implying?

In the shower, because of the angle at which the sun’s light came in, I saw a shadow of how my body was on the wall and I could see the cyst

It’s encroaching into my belly button taking up space

If I bent myself backwards more, the cyst came out more

Besides a tensing up or toughening of myself to fight realities it is saying ——- space

I love the space I m giving myself now

And Space is inside there

I needed space, and its creating space for itself.

Nothing else

It’s about creating space for myself

Space to hear my thoughts my emotions my needs space to hear out tpy

It’s giving priority and consideration to tpy

So for once I m able to see it as helping me

And yesterday while doing raindrop for QinZhi , I was chanting the Chenrigze mantra and for a while it seemed like it was reaching down all the way to me in different times and all those of me were reaching up in chanting

It’s a deep amazing release that happened so subtly yet I knew

And interestingly when I read the gokai today, I had a new way of approaching it

Gokai

Just for today I do not get angry

I do not worry

I m grateful 

I fulfill all my duties

And I m kind to others and to myself 

I invited all of my cells to take part and it feels like I m the leader leading it

So all the more important that I should keep my thoughts well

Then I had my meal with Stephan, he reminded me that :

The navel is the seat of all primal instincts 

“Your seat of trust. And at the navel, I saw many guan yin, the Tibetan , Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese and they are all there——- and here’s to say you are supported and they are there for you”

Stephan says now that he is saying it he’s realized it once more that I m made for something bigger 

“You have voluntarily come back because you have heard of the suffering ,  you have gone through it and experienced it for yourself and you will be able to help many people”

And he had to stop because he teared up

I still had no idea what this feels like or means to him

I shared with him how it feels like when the Dalai Lama is in the room and he says ,” you have it too! This thing”

“Learn to appreciate yourself value yourself. “

He said, “I saw for myself how it’s pinyen like a bowl is collecting all of the universe in . Everything is pin yen now at the centre of it”

I asked him what is the thing to do to heal?

He says, “ have no fear.”

“You have no idea what power you have because you intend and want. The ability to translate your heart’s desire/dream to reality. You have that power.

Trust yourself

Believe yourself

Value yourself

Have no fear”

We spoke about invoking our guardian angels

To invoke – isn’t exactly saying please

It’s more “ come here and help me”

They are all there and for you

I had to check its meaning again 

Invoke- 

to requesthelp from someone, especially a god, when you want to improve a situation

Cambridge dictionary 

: to call forth by incantation : CONJURE

: to make an earnest request for : SOLICIT

: to put into effect or operation : IMPLEMENT

: BRING ABOUT, CAUSE

Merriam Webster

I asked Stephan if he heard anything from the cyst and he told me about the guan yin he saw and the guan yin mantra he heard

He says- you should embrace the cyst because it is part of you

Easier said than done but I could see it.

It’s part of my body and more so 

My experiences gave it to me

My lineage and my history gave it to me

And so it means to embrace my lineage my experiences 

It means accepting and acceptance 

Of the big and little things in life

Learning to not change it to suit me and myself or needs

Which could have been distorted or learned

Stephan kindly said he will work on the cyst the pancreas ( which is where fear and grieve or sadness is) the keloid and I will work on the rest

I am thankful

Why would someone I just met, and who have listened to my journey offer this kindness?

It seemed unbelievable.

And this in itself is magic.

Can my story touch another one? When all it has is so much pain suffering repression of the self forcefulness and so filled with negativity? I wonder why!

And before he left, Stephan says again that I have all the tools all the wisdom all all all that I need and I will be helping people

I told him I had no inkling of what he is saying , are you sure?

And he says , he knows it will be

I do not see or understand his point but he says it is not common to see guan yin and so many of them in a session

We discussed if I should reach my children reiki and the answer is yes 

They have it they r open and is naturally intuitive 

He encourages me to continue to nurture HuaiHao and QinZhi the way I m doing 

And to process emotions for them

He asked me why I would do that? And I said , “ the last thing I want is for them to repeat. So with what I find out for myself I will grab e-v-e-r-y opportunity and faithfully use it to help them”

I asked him for a parting gift . And to reiki my oils and my crystal

“You will heal if you will”

Stephan says that I m reprogramming myself 

Exploring alternatives and moving forward each and every other day 

I said to him my thanks, of him offering his presence to me, offering space supported guidance as I processed. And that I will work hard and look forward to the next reiki session with him.

It has been so powerful so intense, so much going on even if nothing was said.

That divine greatness.