I found a pimple in my gum next to my teeth that has blood inside.

It just came up yesterday and I am once reminded of teacher’s words——how emotions are wanting to and raging their way out of the shell.

OMG more intense emotions? What else is there I asked myself?

Anger, at how things have become, how much time I have wasted being unconscious or how I havent been able to steer myself away from these all

I havent known that I m angry with myself until of late. What a discovery.

Then my old self accustomed to fear pops up—- I become afraid, what’s the harm or damage I do to myself? How else do I want to hurt myself ? Isnt it enough?

Yes, there’s anger and fear in there, in this cycle.

How do I release them?

I watched a programme “Beyond Beliefs” by GAIA. And they were talking about how thoughts are things and that if we change our thoughts we change our mind.

There was one part which talked about just observing thoughts without judgement.

I am learning to allow them space without judging

I want to try this out and see how it goes

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I was in my infra red sauna this morning but I couldn’t really stay still, too many thoughts coming through

I asked the heat to melt away all of my defences, my pretences, my fronts, my shield

I thought about vulnerability 

And I recall how, recently I have been engaged in these things that show up inner beauty.

Like the feet polish that revealed the baby soft skins inside that I wouldn’t know I have

I saw my feet again yesterday and touched the part where the dead skin has been removed.

Its still pretty soft and I am amazed.

In about this instant, I understand that I actually didnt believe softness could have been there. After all the support and walking?

I was looking for harder skin really. I didnt believed softness could be had

Why didnt I believe?

My upbringing, my experiences, helped me not believe.

My father was soft, he didnt know how to stand up for himself, he was always at a losing end, biting the bullets and has chosen to take it all even if its to his disadvantage and he would say:”what other way is there?”

In a pessimistic way.

He showed me softness didnt work, being nice didnt work because he would have to suck up all the shit while other people benefited from his giving way

My mother too was soft, so much softer and she was suffering a lot too. They both didnt know how to stand up for themselves.

They felt lost and disappointment a lot of times in life, but humble people they are, and they knew not another way—but to be soft and nice

Me too in a way, I picked these behavioural patterns along the way. Like them, I believed in softness, I believed ultimately in goodness and I wanted to show that goodness will prevail and my parents were right

SO I was always nice

I have my fair share of people who appreciate goodness and a bigger share of people who take advantage 

I was angry and disappointed——like my parents each time people took advantage of me

But still I choose to be soft—— like my parents. Even if realities show that softness wouldn’t land you in good stead.

I believe in persevering in all goodness and kindness but realities are challenging.

And Life’s experiences seem to want to put us to test. Wanting to test how committed we are to this ? There are times people are hard or choose to be unkind. 

And I have unwittingly learnt to take it negatively and put up stronger defences, bold fronts, all the strength I could draw from each cell to be me to shoulder 

I have become that strong woman with a vulnerable fragile softness inside.

Yet I had models like ah ma, like mom, or my husband’s mother, who all braved storms for their family 

I can be like them

and I did what they did in a way, having the family ’s interests above me

But what if I continued to be this softness without being disappointed. Displaying true softness and kindness—— unconditionally?

But they didnt eat the beautiful spring flowers I ate.

The spring flowers are not exactly big, tender and fragile as well and—– bitter

I wonder why?

Now I know

They take so much strength to grow out of winter into spring, so much might and strength in that softness. Can there be sweetness after using all this force?

SO I can be bitter. Why not? Just be what it feels like. 

I remember each time I saw blooms, I get inspired by the reminders they show, just by opening up to the world, no matter how short lived their bloom can be

They encouraged me to open up to bloom to be the best I can be

I always touched the petals of flowers

tender, fragile, vulnerable?

Yes but Maybe not.

SO much strength in insisting to be genuinely soft when the easy way out could be just hardening up

I thought of myself a few days ago

When I feel devoid of battery

In a flash, now I know, that’s the real me.

That is the real me without my defences , pretences, fronts, shield

oh Hello! Nice to see you———- after so long.