These few days traveling with dad made me see how real aging is.
Or how real life is, life that doesn’t wait for anyone .
There were so many instances or moments of negativity. And they made me aware of fear and doubt.
And they are opportunities to let me snap out and to choose a vibration or frequency that I want.
Lots of practice
And there is an emerging thought- to surrender and let it flow. Not control. To know that all is well. And to trust the divine.
I also have a lot of compassion for dad. A very simple man who has no tools or techniques or guidance on life or asking for life what he wants. He passively just takes everything in his stride. And to understand that life is destiny or fate controlled by the heavens.
I try to share with him what I learn on affirmations and manifestations as much I can.
I learned about capacity. And the capacity of myself that would be important. To build myself first —- and in such a way so I can help others.
When I did reiki for myself this morning, I heard myself say- The divine is flowing in me. In my hands and fingers. In and out through my eyes, my mouth my words, emanating from my heart.
Dad woke and pooped with blood. We headed up to jungfraujoch and he had altitude sickness.
It really pushed me to waking up. And indeed helped me let go of my pride.
Throughout the day, I practiced and learn to trust the Divine in me and with me. Qinzhi sent me prayers like this :
Wednesday prayer.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son , and of the Holy Spirit.🙏🏻 it’s wednesday father God. It’s the middle of the week, and just want to thank you for bringing us safety this far. For all who are struggling financially, mentally and physically, we ask that you would lessen their burdens. Sincerely heal their bodies, mend broken hearts, and find and make a way out of no way for those trying to take care of themselves and their loved ones. May they stay safe and happy and healthy. We praise and thank you in advance! We pray also for travelling mercies and protection from all dangers seen and unseen. Thank you Jesus! May you please continue to keep us and our families and the many families in the world covered under the precious Blood of Jesus. In Jesus’ name, I pray. amen. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. 🙏🏻Amen.
I did all I can at my best, prepared all the brews, breakfast and lunch for HuaiHao , did raindrop for him and headed out for my reiki 2 class.
Before I decided, the tired feeling came on.
Now that I journal, I just know—— it is not mine. But the husband is going thru his cycle. Unconscious to it .
All along when HuaiHao is not feeling well, he would stay clear and not be responsive. He would side step and I would handle.
This time too. But today as I was deliberating if I should stay at home or head for class, I decided the latter.
The hub has gone back to bed- a sign that he is switching off and going back into his old mode.
So I would make room, consciously for him to go through the process. What is different is that, as opposed to telling him what to do, letting him know what I prepared, instructing him as to how he should act ie to take responsible, I left after letting HuaiHao know what he can expect from what I have prepared.
I will leave my expectations somewhere there, with room for them to play it out. Rather, for the daddy to be guided by the son. Or rather, for the divine to set things in order.
For all that I need to know, will be revealed to me in divine order. And all that I need, is taken care of by the universe.
I see them breakthrough. And it will be different from the past.
And so it is.
I popped down and saw the drizzle and went back upwards to get an umbrella. When I went down the drizzle was somewhat gone. I feel light and reiki love outwards.
Then I saw the bus I was aiming for pass me by.
I shouldn’t have went back up for the umbrella! I thought.
But as I was nearing the bus stop, I saw the outline of another bus, and that is the bus for me. Less crowded. And I got the space and the feeling to journal this down.
Sometimes, missing a bus might not be that bad because a better one comes by.
Like what the Dalai Lama says, sometimes missing something is a blessing.
Spoke to W yesterday and after listening to my work as a journalist fond of asking questions , she has this to suggest.
“Why don’t you stand in front of a mirror and interview yourself? You have been asking other people questions but not yourself. Ask yourself how you feel and what you want. More.”
She says I have the capacity to feel but there are just too many “layers”. Once I remove the layers, I will be able to access this inner knowing of mine.
She also advised me to meditate or just simply inhale frankincense and ask, what do I want or what do I want to do and wait for the reply.
I asked W about the pain in the right side of my body. I told W that when I read Louise Hay, she mentioned the right as connected to masculinity so my relationship with the important men in my life. She offered another perspective- that the left side is the receiving side and the right the giving side. It’s like, “ hey you have been using me again and again and it’s not balanced .”
Wow!
Yes and I did have problems receiving and always find myself in the giving position . Sometimes even when giving is sucking out of me my energy, like how the women in my tribe gives, they give and give of themselves until they are sucked dry of their life force .
And I m certain I do not want that. So do the reverse TPY.
I love conversations like these that remind me of my inner wisdom or knowing. You just know and there is no other noise
I m envious of W and the others who have the capacity to feel and know for certain what works or what not. I want to get there and the fact is, I have—-on many counts
This morning upon awakening, I asked myself what was it in the keloids. And I heard my own reply
The first I heard, it was shame. I felt shameful of the work dad was doing. Then I heard myself say, but that was the only means he had at that point in time, and he had no choice but this to raise the family.
The next I heard was guilt —-guilt feeling this way, not understanding.
Then there is resentment and anger. Resentment and anger towards dad for choosing this means of work and resentment and anger towards myself for not understanding his predicament and lack of a better alternative. And allowing myself to feel this way.
There’s also hurt too. And those are as well his feelings of lack of choice. Probably now as I write, all those feelings above of shame guilt anger and resentment are his too.
There’s also fear, fear of letting others find out what work he was doing and who I really had for a father. Not that he committed any bad deeds or crime but just that my principles and rigidity did not see the good in his choice.
And because of all this, I was not feeling worthy deserving I was not acknowledging my value my self my preciousness. That was why I keep putting myself down and placing myself in a situation of lack of not allowing my light to shine.
Seeing this was like achieving a breakthrough.
I lovingly, joyfully, effortlessly release all of these feelings emotions patterns of feeling and consciousness that have been in me. This past this history—- I thank them for the inspiration and lessons for making me this independent tough and accomplished——- but I do not need them now.
The past is past. I do not need these set of logic system beliefs habits emotions in my present.
I release them joyfully happily !
I m free, so is dad. All is well.
I m thankful.
And I find myself so tired after this. That has been the burden on me. All lifted.
All is perfect and well. I am whole and complete.
I trust that all I need to know is revealed to me in divine order . And all that I need and want is supported by the universe. I rest in this knowing this trust.
When its time, the hub, or bf comes along with me.
I had wanted Ron to coach the family unit on emotional intelligence, but he proposed that us as a couple come in first, the reason was that kids these days are so evolved and it wouldn’t take them long to see things.
But we as parents, might not be armed with adequate tools to support them.
Thankfully the hub or bf is open to this session.
I left it to the divine when I suggested this, I really just left it with the divine and spent no effort contesting this in any way.
He said yes.
Need I experiment anymore with manifestation? . And the idea was to hold the the thought so light. So light And leave it to up there.
And it came real fast.
We were in Ron’s office yesterday. And he explained to the hub what why and how.
We started with this powerful exercise, Ron asked me to vent my frustrations while getting the hub to hold the space at a certain frequency.
Amazingly, I found some difficulty at complaining as he moved down the list.
We did the experiment in reverse and it worked too. He just couldnt complain once I started to be in the higher mode of being.
And this made me understand that at a higher state of frequency, things which used to exist simply didn’t anymore. They simply cant (manifest) at a certain level up high.
Unless you bring yourself back to the low which the original problem exist.
This is really powerful learning.
“When you level up, your boss cannot even come near you. Problems cant come near. They simply don’t exist because you are at such a high.”
And can we theoretically hold ourselves at a continuous high?
“You got my answer right. For us to maintain equilibrium, just love your wife, your children. It is just like that, so how difficult is it? The thing is when you cut yourself off from them, you don’t feel empowered because you no longer stay in the frequency of love, or in the unlimited resources of we and everything spirals down. Stay in the connection with your wife both level up and that can hold the space for the kids for the family”
The beauty is that he managed to open up further and went on to sort out stories about his beliefs on money and how those beliefs have been wrongfully tied to events that have happened to him as a child.
He could see why he turned out the way he did and that all these belonged not to him!
More so, he could now see why he was so frustrated each time Huaihao cried or triggered him. And he could see that this all had nothing to do with Huaihao or the kids but all the limiting beliefs and stories he carried on himself and the child is just lighting the path for him.
And I asked Ron if guilt and shame has some place in my body in my body
And we set out to find.
And if you want to find, you will, for this is what the universe and living is. IF you ask for it, you will be given.
But writing this way made me see that I was the one who kept wanting to find old and not new. I kept going back, revisiting the old, locking myself in that kind of vibration and frequency and energy and now I know it is because I identified with pain for the longest time.
The pain worry fear shame guilt and whatever negativity it brought made me who I am and propelled me this far.
So without them, who is TPY?
So I was the greatest architect of my reality.
So this is how it went, with Ron holding space for me.
I recalled a scene in my old home where my maid was throwing a tantrum on the floor and mom was trying desperately to contain her and manage her. I was looking on as a little girl of about 7 or 8 years old.
My helper would periodically throw fits and have these emotional breakdowns so much she would be fussing on the floor. Probably due to some things that happened at home. Mom would be managing her in the kitchen but also at her wits end.
And now in this exercise, I saw for myself the meaning of resonance.
I started with everything I m alone and I scratch. Why because I was feeling blank and empty. And it feels like a don’t know what to do, no purpose helpless powerless feeling, and also, a need to try and find out something. The head just feels blank and it doesn’t feel accomplished. Silly and stupid.
And that was what the maid felt.
She had issues at home and she was at a complete blank and feeling helpless and don’t know what to do.
The thing is that Mom actually felt this too.
Mom also felt these feelings of unaccomplishment and helplessness and even though she is desperately trying to find out a way, the head is blank
I recall her scolding the maid words like silly or stupid too, she even , in desperation to wake up the maid to her senses, had to slap at her thighs and legs
Mom was having a bad time. Her insecurities went out at the maid.
So both mom and maid were in that same theme and resonated. Both had an emotional breakdown
And for me the little girl in that space looking on….I didn’t want to be in that situation of having to be helpless, powerless, blank state of don’t know what to do and feeling unaccomplished. I actually took that shit.
My helper Jenny was someone I picked out a an album at a maid agency. She was the first helper we had and stayed the longest and we were like family. I remember dad proudly proclaiming how I picked her out of an album.
And I actually felt guilty of that.
And I was scratching to want to get out of this blank helpless situation badly.
I associated blank wrongfully! With the connotations of powerless helpless unaccomplishment, lack of purpose, not wanting mom to see me stupid.
SO I work so hard pushing myself, I cannot allow myself to fail. I ace I m at the top but after accomplishing so much, I do not really feel fulfilled.
It made me see why I was uncomfortable with not doing, or doing nothing.
It made me see why I was so uncomfortable with letting go or at the other end, why I needed so much to be in control.
But these are all stories I lived my life with and for. And spent a good 40 years on them.
Is it not enough?
Coming to this point made me see how powerful this session or exercise is. I started out wanting to find if guilt had a part to play with my scratching. I didn’t imagine it could be this ISE—initial sensitising event.
And the powerful thing is, Qinzhi and I had an incident with a passerby just a few days back. She was carrying stuff for me and headed straight towards an uncle seated on a stool with some hangers on the floor and coincidentally, another uncle carrying stuff came by. Both collided briefly. And that uncle came ranting at Qinzhi who froze and didn’t know what to say. She was blanked out. And now I understand why Qinzhi always freezes and blanks out when something comes sharply at her, out of the blue.
The incident stuck with me, just like how my maid throwing tantrums stuck with me. I just couldn’t say why. But now now now!
Ron pointed out it is important to heal 3 people in that situation. First, the little me.
“Talk to that little girl and let her know, its really not her fault. If not for her picking out this maid, she wouldn’t find employment and be struggling with money issues back home. Give her a hug and assure her that this really is a clash of resonance and events where all that needed to align aligned.”
“You see. The maid was caught in a situation of not knowing what to do. She couldn’t go home but she did her best too and don’t know what else she could do here. Mommy too. She used whatever little resource she had to get the maid here to help, but the maid gave problems. And she couldn’t send her back, and is torn between keeping her here too. She felt blank too!
So go to Mommy! What would you tell her? “
I said to leave this to dad to settle and in essence she needn’t shoulder everything alone.
So i went for a hug at mom to soothe her and to let her know that everything’s okay.
“Now the maid.”
I went to Jenny and said my apologies. I feel sorry that things panned out this way, but really that there is a way out and she can tell us about her problems and we can chip in and help together as much we can. She does not have to feel helpless at all and we actually love and value her a lot! She’s like family and we wouldn’t want to see her in pain!
And to mom too. Need not feel helpless or blanked out, or that stressed out. Have faith in the husband you picked and whom loves you so, give her the room and the chance to sort, most of all, have faith in your intelligence and wisdom. Above all, have faith in the divine and let loose of control.
I felt happy writing this way. I see the three soothed, comforted, relieved, burdens pressing on heart and shoulders gone, and reunited and powerful.
I know there is closure and I can hold my head and move on.
The key is this, that when I heal myself, I heal mom and I heal Qinzhi and the whole line of women.
At some point, I understand that my mom also had a part to play in my dad’s fortunes, because she was shouldering so much and was carrying this strong idea of abandonment and disbelief in and with love. That the men in the tribe were not living up to it not levelling up to times. Its like no matter what the husband does, its not enough. If she had not identified so much with brokenness. If she had placed more positivity and confidence in letting the man handle, things might have been different. If she didn’t believe so much that he didn’t know what to do, can not do, she wouldn’t have created hers and dad’s realities.
And I see again how and why I need to be in control so. They are mom’s mode not mine. I am not that that. Look at the way I soothed them, to let go to share to find opportunities and power in us, we. Not being alone.
I see again how I kept identifying myself with brokenness. Keeping myself in that place.
In life and all these years, I was not me, I only habitually practised and got better at reigning and holding helm. I lived under a spell of stories, so drop those already. Just drop them! Allow things to play it out! Relax with the flow.
” If you set expectations too much, you cannot flow. You need to step back to be shown the grandeur. Understand the sacredness, when you understand how small you are, and it is this sacredness that exposes the infinite possibilities of healing.
It almost like when he pulls, you need to let go. Surrender and allow the process. Expand on your capacity so you can hold. Allowing your capacity to build in allowing. As in reiki, you are in a miraculous position where miracles are happening as an observer. You become a conduit of magnificence and love and the beauty is you are part of it.”
As how life panned out, I have become such a strong woman and accomplished so much for myself and my family.
It is really time to start living out TPY. And I am excited and thankful, so thankful for this blessing this opportunity!
Life is abundant, magic and sacred. And we are here at this time. Let’s all do our part to be ourselves, just unreservedly ourselves. And the world definitely becomes a better place.
As Ron advised, start a new relationship with your body.
“Dear body, I m sorry I hurt you and did not take good care of you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me all this while, and I love you my body! Thank you and we need not create inflammation nor keloids or anything like this. We can create joy, happiness, euphoria, peace, love, ease! We can awe can and we will love each other for a very long time!”
And so it is!
And this is why in the past I have been shy about my body, about my scars, and couldn’t really enjoy or surrender in times of intimacy.
A Ron puts it, “Feel light about life. So light about life. This ease comes from the understanding that everything that is out there is already in the highest good.”
Its magic when you go to bed at night and feel so light you kick under the blanket sheets and smile to sleep. Its magic when you see how life or the divine loves you and you are soaking it all up. I used to feel that I m not worthy, don’t deserve it, but now, but now! Lap it all! Soak it up. And bask in that glory and take it further better and share it with more people!
When I had these feelings of gratitude, wonder, I know anyone else can own these feelings too. The magic is already in them in their lives, if only—– they see it.
As Ron asked for it, I did a testimonial, somewhat summing up all these beautiful amazing experiences I have, sorting out myself in his presence.
“Unbeknownst to us, the love we have been so wanting, that truth we have been in so seeking, is often with us, in us.
On my journey of seeking, I had the honour of having RonWu with me.
My sessions with Ron are nothing short of, but always magic.
It is always a wonder to see RonWu at work, fishing out and digging out with me, and ——-for me, bits and pieces of truths I have missed.
If anything, I feel blessed , so very blessed and happy like a child, that I get these opportunities this privilege to have him hold the space for me as I put in effort and go deeper at myself.
What I love really, is how he crushes at my self imposed limitations and lay out truths before me.
“够了吗？ （Enough already）”
There is no (more) excuse other than —— open up.
Each session holds the promise of making peace with a certain past, people, myself.
I get to play an active role (re)designing myself and I get closer to becoming a better version of myself.
Better because I feel the shine in my eyes.
I get to savour the very very richness of now.
And I am delirious with joy because I get to see snapshots of this magnificence called life and revel in it.
If this is not magic, then—— what?”
And again, if anyone needs this, if anyone,at anytime needs a shot at ———reclaiming, reframing, redesigning, remapping, reworking the self.
Bf came over to hug and kiss me before he went off to work.
And the Forest Escentials scents—- whichever he used, stayed on.
Huaihao was the first to notice. He says, “ it’s not mommy I m smelling now, it’s papa.”
I have asked him before what the mommy smell is like—- and we both align that we can describe it as baby milky and slightly powdery. These words echo a memory we have been locked into at one point in time.
Back to the lingering scent. It’s very floral and pollen-powdery if you know what I mean. Very feminine.
So I was so taken I had to WhatsApp bf and say, “Actually I find the scents of the products you use too pollen and powdery. Too feminine and doesn’t really suit you 🤔it’s too powdery even for me! Very floral.”
“Come to think of it!The very first Dior perfume you got me was very floral and extremely feminine. And it’s definitely not me. Maybe intuitively you knew I was too strong and trying to tell me to soften. But over the years I only got further from being a vulnerable girl. And up till now I havent grown into being that lady.
Help me relax / grow into my place . Nothing more nothing less.
And I m trying to recall the perfume you used to wear. Although not as natural as forest essentials, it suits you way better.”
Then the thought that arose in my mind was, “ suit who?”
Am I not imposing on him? why am I telling him what yes and what not?
Another thing, it dawned on me that the scents he use is for me , to work on me because I needed them.
Was there somewhere we read that our spouse mirror us ? Reflect us?
So all along I just felt like——out of place with these floral scents, not just on him but anything really floral like the jasmine, ylang ylang, the lily —— are too much for me.
They were so feminine and so strong in that way. In contrast, I like woody scents so much more like Idaho blue spruce cypress. They were always magical and took you to a space inside.
The recent healing sessions by RonWu brought me to the understanding that I have always wanted to be a boy and so has my mother.
In the post war days in Singapore, it would be common for every family to want a boy to carry on the family line. My grandmother wanted one to get the love she needed from her husband. But she couldn’t care any until she adopted a few children and had my mother.
My mother probably got this from her mother , and wanted to be a boy.
But mommy married into a huge tribe and she encountered the pressure of having to bear sons for her husband because every family of my dad’s brothers have one. She (felt she) needed a boy to shut people’s mouths, to stop all comparisons and thought that having a boy could at least raise or secure her a certain status the other sister-in-laws had
Writing this way made me see how u worthy my mom thought of herself. And that she probably felt she’s at a lower status, and she was undeserving.
Although my mom finally bore a son, it was 8 years after I was born.
And I had soaked these ups already. Downloaded all the feelings of hers.
I wanted to be a boy so that I could stand up for mom in this tribe of others, protecting her against comparisons and securing the status she so wanted.
So I always was an overachiever even if I am a girl. I wanted to do so well in exams I would beat my boy and girl cousins so mom could be proud of me.
And I man-up even more after Mom passed on to build my own family. I was literally like providing for my family.
I didn’t know how and what it means to be a girl. I have short hair and don’t do girly things like mani pedicures not facials etc
I didn’t know how to be vulnerable and weak I didn’t know how to ask for help and directly
And so i paused when I asked my husband to help me relax / grow into my place.
It was difficult to say that. To acknowledge I need a hug. To be on the weaker end.
But I sent it after that little pause after all.
Like an opening up of sorts.
And a loosening and letting go of sorts —- in those brief moments
Writing this way made me see that the intentions were all wrong starting from grandmother, she wanted love so much she misplaced it in the notion of bearing a son. And my mom took it on, she wanting to be a boy so much she thought she would be able to do wonders and life might have been different had she been a boy
And these flowed into my life in a certain point in time. I took them on and played them out—- these false realities and stories and lived my life —- 43 years of it this way.
RonWu said I was chasing a dream that was impossible and it’s time for me to come back to my place
In doing so, my husband can come back to love me as a wife, my father could go back to loving me as his princess , my siblings can love me as a sister, my kids can return to loving me as mommy and I can be me
And he pointed out to me the urgency that of bringing this to a closure with my father, who is a pure simple man with the sole purpose of loving my mother and his children. The same with my husband, as with my brother.
Same soul set we are.
Most importantly in me coming back to my place as a girl, my children will not have to carry on any story me my mom or generations of woman above me have. This line of ancestors would heal when I heal and my children would be free
What kind of a realization and revelation is that? You ask?
And it is because I am ready and in tuned to receive. And it is because I have shifted . And it is because love is and always have been around me with me in me. But I have blocked them out living out and taking real those falsehoods of reality. My mom and grandmother’s reality. They probably picked these stories up somewhere sometime.
But they didn’t have the chance to pry and to break out of these stories. Instead, they lived their life out perpetuating these misplaced notions and eventually misplaced themselves , living life to the fullest but also, totally out of life and abundance.
And writing this way made me see how blessed and how abundant I am and can be even more so!
And writing this way made me see why they say, the scents you do not like are the very ones you need.
I thank the universe for sending me RonWu- he helped me identify and fish out the deepest tenets and thoughts I hinged on.
I wish anyone reading this lots of love and light.
I learned of late that how much wealth, health, and abundance one experiences, rests largely on the kind of connection we have with our parents.
And that abundance is a birthright. In all teachings, wealth and family has a deep rooted connection with our parents. I was told to take the opportunity to bond with my parents and family this festive season.
And I did.
Our annual prayer before Chinese New Year today. I looked up at my mother, grandparents , uncle and auntie. And instead of the normal prayer, where we typically ask to be blessed or wishing them well…. I looked up and oh wow, how much time has gone by? I was actually oblivious to the time gone by. I had been numb when I attended these prayer sessions.
But today, but today—— I took a moment to know that these people who loved me has gone for a long time.
And for once today! Today I saw this fact and accepted this fact.
And it in turned brought me a huge relief. Like something let go of.
I actually felt gratitude on my heart.
Because of them, their love their connections, there is me. I m here. I m me. I thank them and I know I will be always loved and supported in my endeavors.
And I love this feeling.
And for once, we are going to have uncle 8 and his son over for dinner on New Year’s Eve. It’s a rare opportunity and all three of us siblings were fussing over what to add for dinner.
Everyone of us chipped in ideas and effort and then Mei announced dessert is taken care of. Boy added on prawns and took care of fruits. The universe is with us when it’s we and not I. We are not limited when it’s we. There is an expansion and a huge field of opportunities.
Walking on my own this afternoon to collect pineapple tarts, I felt my cells imbued with inexplicable support and energy . Like you are tanked up. It’s a great feeling. Like nothing is impossible and the possibility of all and everything is available to me so long as I will.
And after collecting the vegan pineapple tarts, I actually smiled and felt happy.
I am so happy I wanted to take my mask off to let everyone see my joy. And there need no reason for this joy and happiness.
It’s been so long. And I know because I felt this before !
One or two days ago, it came to my knowledge that perhaps mom did want to punish dad.
By choosing her path to remove herself from his life —- using her own.
It was a big decision.
Sure it was because all was too hard for her to bear. The pressure of having to shoulder it all stand up herself for all show up all of her for all, on her own. It required so much of her that she buckled and decided it was enough.
My understanding was this until a while ago.
Because of my own feelings I felt , the withdrawal symptoms I had , the passive mode, the restraint the reserves I found myself having. A part of me fell asleep. Shut off shut down. It was every bit a punishment for all.
For myself too.
Then I realized mom —- perhaps she really wanted dad to experience regret .
And why would my life lead me to feeling these?
If anything, at the least , it would be to steer my away from her path, my family’s path. And to practise consciously consciousness and conscious choice.
The one thing I kept hearing of late is that we chose to experience human life. We chose to come here and everything we see and go through is a path of our choice reflecting our free will.
Anytime we want, we can walk away from it all. And choose again, according to will.
And so what does my soul want?
To let me see for myself the truth by experience and feeling?
Yesterday I was tuning in to kyron and he said this: in the feeling is the teaching.
There is no other way to learn , nothing more convincing than feeling it.
My soul wanted for me to know how what why in all honesty
My soul wanted me to know I am still living in mommy’s shadow and loving the remnants of her life her love her fears her regrets
And is it any coincidence that I came across this that would call out to me?
That was why I keep having so many fears I kept stopping myself and how I came so close to her path
Close enough for my soul to use this incident to wake me up
Stop already. Start living already
And then, of course, to learn love and forgiveness and compassion—- perhaps for myself more than anyone else and ——make a different choice.
And even if I want to, I can’t yet dissolve the pain I experienced. It is still there.
And I tell myself to let nature take its course and just be, be with the feelings I feel. And I see this :
𝗧𝗮𝗼 𝗧𝗲 𝗖𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟲𝟰, translation by S. Mitchell
What is rooted is easy to nourish. What is recent is easy to correct. What is brittle is easy to break. What is small is easy to scatter.
Prevent trouble before it arises. Put things in order before they exist. The giant pine tree grows from a tiny sprout. The journey of a thousand miles starts from beneath your feet.
Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe.
Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose. What he desires is non-desire; what he learns is to unlearn. He simply reminds people of who they have always been. He cares about nothing but the Tao. Thus he can care for all things.
And there’s another suggestion just the way I thought
Like something pressing on me , takes some effort to breathe…eyes wanting to close. Just can’t find energy . Slightly dizzy.
And, and….. no matter how the sun shined down at me, I didn’t really feel it. The wind seemed to brush me by. The rainbow that showed up didn’t brighten me up. I feel like I am trapped in a bottle of sorts
Only that—- tears just find their way out like a canal overfilled, anytime
But some where in the walk this morning, I heard things like—— look at it from a longer perspective, maybe this is karma and I am receiving what I gave out previously
It takes 2 hands to clap. Take responsibility for your own actions
Obviously if I am receiving this now, I must have sent out something in the same measure previously
I was in a victim mentality
And how did I manifest this? I looked up at the sky it’s so blue so open and , and how did this openness bring me to walk the path my parents walked before? How did I do this?
I heard the reply in john’s zoom on epigenetics. In which he mentioned , don’t think that if your mom has cancer you get it too. Unless you live breathe eat sleep in the same manner.
Did I live like mom? Think and feel like her?
If I did, now is the time to change.
Miraculously somewhere on a shower, I heard an inkling of an idea: why don’t I pour my efforts to create love instead? Instead of this crippling victim mentality that is sending me down?
Why don’t I create opportunities of love and care instead?
Why don’t I be responsible for my own happiness ?
Like Mingyur Rinpoche says: obstacle becomes opportunity; problem becomes solution
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