Tag: Healing

Peeling Off The Layers

Peeling Off The Layers

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W came over to the east and we did grounding by soaking our feet in the waters and letting the waves splash at us.

She wanted to collect some seashells and she did. Then we just sat down for a chat.

I asked her what was the root cause of the keloids and she asked me back how I feel about them.

Amazingly the day before, I went into Lululemon and while trying on a pair of shorts, I saw my keloids squarely and I saw them as a protector or shield for my genitals. Or the most private of me, or the essence of who I was.

I told W that. I said that the keloids came about somewhere at the point Dad left the family. And he had to run away to hide. And we had to hide too.

The keloids were like a shield of protection. For me, at that point in time, in a time of my NEED. And seeing this made me thank the keloids.

I was able to say I love you and thank you, please forgive me for all the mismanagement and I m sorry it took me so long to see this.

And seeing this opened things up a little for me. I was able to say thank you to the keloids for this act of protection, to my body and my cells, for doing all they can to provide me with this emotional support when I NEEDED it.

And I was able to comfort myself and remind myself, “But TPY, you are no longer that helpless alone little girl now in need of any help. In fact you are so supported by your family and friends, essential oils and the divine always. You are no longer that little girl now.”

And I sort of gave that little girl in me a hug and love.

“In fact you have amassed so much on your own, built up so much on your own. You are not helpless you are in fact bigger than you think and know. And you do not need that shield of protection now, you can stand on your own, with your support firmly with you, in your own right in your own light, in your own power.”

I also asked W about the cyst, and I told her that came about shortly after Qinzhi had seizures. There was a lot of fear, a lot of anger and frustration at my husband whom I felt hurt Qinzhi and hurt me. Us. And W suggested talking to my husband, imagining him infront of me and me releasing all I want to say, instead of keeping it down. I did that at bedtime and was really exhausted. I fell asleep halfway.

But I sort of felt that in sleep some more work was done, communication and such. And I kind of saw another feeling of hiding in my half awake half asleep waking hours

There’s like a little girl who is fearful of taking on the big adult world and really afraid of life because dad the protector is not around and soon after dad came back to us , mom passed away. A little girl looking up at a big big world.

The thing I really wanted to do then was to get away from it all; but in reality I had to show up for my family at that time even though I was so afraid and helpless. I couldn’t see light I couldn’t see that I have tools and support around me that much. Even though there was, I wouldn’t feel it confidently.

And there’s the guilt and shame my father carried in him towards others and towards us. Although I did not know exactly what happened the gravity of the emotions was so much it rubbed off me. I carried his negativity and I thought I had to continue living in fear, in guilt and in shame for what his choice of actions. It was as if living this way was redemption.

I guessed I carried those apart from my own questions and unhappiness of – why if I didn’t do anything wrong I have to hide?! I was frustrated and angry.

There’s so much layers! Sometimes you think it’s healed but it’s not yet! So I was really itching at the keloids to get out and get away! The essence of me really want to get away from it all, to escape and run away.

But today when I wake up
The itch patch at my back has gone down quite a bit 😊

And I think it’s such a miracle !!!!

Implant

Implant

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It’s been a year or two since the implant started to malfunction.

It started with a pin sized hole in the gum and upping cleaning it a few times, some gum was lost, the metal of the implant was exposed and pus could be soon coming out.

I had been somewhat traumas and angered by this. I was blaming the dentist for not doing a proper job for the implant and for cleaning the pus so I lost some gum.

I went to John and he told me that everything related to the teeth and oral can be meaningful because infection goes back to the blood and brain and can affect the organs the energy the vitality and lead to things like Parkinson’s dementia

I was shaken by this.

He asked me what I want: I want the infection to go away and for the gum to heal

And he asked me to run 3 times a week

He suggested I gave myself a few months to soothe and heal this

He said that my head was very blocked and he needed me and my discipline of eating just twice a day and running to get the qi to flow

I worry about this for a while. Yesterday I headed to the dentist and he showed and explained to me what the 3d scan said

He said that there was no bone surrounding the implant and somehow at some point removal would be the way to go because with that I could let the gum heal and bone grow and the infection can stop

It’s been a few days since I ran and it’s amazing how it cleared me of the mental fog and toning me up

The infection actually slowed down with these simple healthful practice

It wasn’t that hard and I could see results

Actually more than what was said, I felt the healing was in making peace with the dentist and with myself. And the implant.

I had been agonizing over it. Vexed and frustrated by it. Angry and sore about how things turned out.

But I came to understand that no one wants anything to go wrong. And I in fact had a big part to play in anything going anyway —- I had a great part to play in any outcome I wanted.

I had explained to the dentist that my main concern was not aesthetic but in halting the infection. More than anything I m happy I came to a consensus with him that if anything I got to work hard at building my body and to change it from making infection and pus to making peace.

If anything I can—— change my body to one used to making pus and infection to one making a healthy happy peaceful state of calm and harmony

In fact I am grateful now that I have both his and John’s advice to support me on healing this.

And it suddenly dawned on me that this is a great opportunity for me to get to know another part of my body and to make it better!

And listening to Mingyur Rinpoche’s talk on Vajrayana practice made me aware that I could use the power of imagination too! Imagine the bone growing the gum healing !

I can also use affirmative words to support me. Everything that I need to heal is with me.

And I am grateful to receive these inspiring instructions. Thank you angels!

Pent Up Anger (II)

Pent Up Anger (II)

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I was trying to figure out what was making me feel out of balance this last few weeks.

I knew something was off.

And bit by bit day by day as I took time with my feelings I began to unravel a bit more.

The closest understanding I got to was that I was triggered and my body bounced back to a certain past.

There were lots of triggers in the last 2 months. Before and during the Swiss trip and after I came back.

And everything worked together and culminated into the feelings of blockage of stagnation of difficulty

And I did clear away quite a bit of emotions each time it was difficult

Today I understood where my body spun back to

With HuaiHao getting COVID and bf abiding with his usual behavior of not lifting a finger to help and keeping with his practice of being away, I went back to all the past times when HuaiHao was not well and I was alone. Having to shoulder it all.

It was difficult because it was an accumulated pile of those emotions of anger frustration even hatred

Most of all it is being alone and having to shoulder it all

It brought me back to all of the times when I had to shoulder it all by myself

It brought me back to all of the times that I knew my mother was shouldering it all

I could not see how love of the other party – of someone who claims love you- of someone you love – can bring this immense intense loneliness helplessness frustration anger and hatred of having to shoulder it alone

Left with no choice was the thing. My mom was left with no choice and I now do not too

I did not think any amount of love can do that

I simply couldn’t reconcile this with love

My body went back directly to the times I was alone fighting it all using my only might and my all.

I was panting breathless I couldn’t speak I couldn’t eat I couldn’t digest I could breathe well

It was trauma through and through

It was—— as if the sky had come down

How can this be love? I thought and couldn’t get pass this point. I stopped.

Coming to this point this understanding made me see why I had to encounter this episode

I take it that everything is happening for me and the universe wants me to see this clearly

And I now have.

It is inevitable to be experiencing this because I have not gotten past this to understand or frame my past experiences in a way that would help me

I have not healed so to speak and so events would have it that I circle back to this to know that—- now isn’t the past.

And the fact is that ——my mom and me- we took it on, all. All the responsibilities. When we have the choice to not bear it, we actually took on the choice—— not no choice—- to eke it out

Simply because our hearts would have it this way

We did not take the easy way out but did real work of ekeing it all out with what little we had using what might and strength we had

And we better be damn proud darn proud of ourselves

For we did have choice!

We had really. And we chose with our heart and conscience this way out for ourselves. For our children.

The decision would be what our hearts would feel at peace with.

And it seemed inevitable that bf would do what he did. He had to do what he did or if not I wouldn’t be able to see that I and mom had a choice.

I can only wish that he felt at peace with his choice now in the past and in the future.

And in that I release all my feelings of anger resentment frustration pain hatred I release my body from the trauma of this all and I take back all my power.

Walking (ix)

Walking (ix)

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I was walking in the sun

Breathing in to my navel and sacral

Breathing in fresh air and releasing whatever anger pain frustration guilt shame there might be

And something wonderful came up

Be Proud Of Dad

For every time it hurt and shamed and pained me each time dad asked me for money

I suddenly- yes suddenly, know that in this persistence is an honor of a person wanting to fulfill his promise to others

If I recount properly, dad made a mistake out of ignorance and in that he promised to take responsibility and to take up payment

And payment has been for the last 20years at least – for as long as I know

This is not easy persistence or perseverance

Anyone else could have taken the easy way out to default

But my dad continued to persevere to uphold his promise and to make good his error

To right his wrong

If anything I should be very very proud of him and very very blessed and I want to tell my kids about this story of keeping a promise.

And with that line of thought, I asked the universe for help so I could dad in any little way I can to make him feel better

What If There Was Nothing To Heal

I have been thinking about this for a while. What if there is nothing to heal. If everything is happening for me and that I m guided by the divine always. And throat everything that I need is taken care of by the divine, it is about accepting and living with what I have.

And there is—- nothing to heal.

What would be I be. How different would I feel ?

Having this faith

Pent Up Anger (I)

Pent Up Anger (I)

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When the spray was on the keloid

It was slightly prickly

And it dawned upon me that a prickly itch or pain is actually pleasurable

And the next question was: why was I looking for pain and creating it?

Why did I want to do with this pain or itch?

To punish myself ? To seek some form of comfort and release in this pain?

What did I do wrong to punish myself this way…？

Who inserted this paradigm into me? That if something wrong was done , you punish yourself to redeem yourself

Was this to punish myself for not keeping to the rules of having a family before signing off the ceremonial marriage ?

Do I really have to if I loved my partner who loves me in turn ?

Isn’t that a natural thing to do if both are madly in love?

Even if this was a wrong, haven’t I punished myself enough?

Must I really act so forcefully on myself? Judging myself within such tight confines of how I have been brought up ? Carelessly and mindlessly living yesteryear rules ?

Even grandma was so happy for me and no one said anything! But I ! In the end I was and have been bearing the load of this

Unwilling to let it go

This is such a lesson for me

What really am I angry with or dissatisfied with myself?

For not being perfect?

How is having a baby out of love not perfect?

And I must be crazy to be thinking this way

But my baby taught me so much. She taught me how to be a mother and to breast feed. She taught me how to cook and how to protect someone. She taught me so much more about me than anyone else

She taught me how to get in touch with me and to acknowledge myself

If anything my baby was the one who was instrumental in my evolution culminating in the person I m today

If anything , I m the work of my baby

And instead of celebrating , I erroneously and mindlessly went in the opposite direction hitting at myself for a lost cause upheld by a less than wise view

If anything, I want to apologize to my baby and to myself for holding these reins on myself

For she must have felt it too.

I forgive myself and release itself from these reins that I have been holding on to. I forgive also others who have been involved in the process in any way. I no longer need these in my life as I lovingly embrace life going forward stepping into the new.

Pent up Anger

Pent up Anger

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HuaiHao found himself having a sore throat and fever.

And I did what I did and bf did what he did. We circled back into the cycle and that got me really worked up.

I found myself shutting him out and off – for him saying the things he said and doing the things he used to.

I feel anger and all of those I stored up- each time the kid was not well he said the same – did the same- all of those.

I feel so pent up that I was dizzying away and I knew energies were imbalanced

Was tired out . I was almost shutting down and shutting off had it not been for the need to care for HuaiHao

I feel so blocked and uncomfortable my stomach area was not really digesting and today I woke up with my little finger numb.

If something is in pain or numb it means the circulation is bad and the flow isn’t ideal

As I walked – I just find that I needed to get out for a walk and to do some release,

And it occurred to me that pent up energies is stored there in the little finger. So I kept doing circulatory movements to get the flow

Kept breathing in and letting stale energies flow out from there

Was belching a lot

Yesterday somehow while I was itching and scratching at the keloids , it occurred to me that I had the tendency to harden and stiffen myself up each time I met with a not so ideal situation

To handle or manage a particular time, I stiffen and harden myself up clench my teeth to meet with it head on

And yes of late I realise I have been clenching my teeth a lot a lot unconsciously and I been doing my best to undo this clench

Hardening up and stiffening has been my modus operandi and my body showed that to me to wake me up in the form of the keloids the inherent spirit – because the body is a reflection of the mind!

Showing to me how I force my way out clenching my teeth tightening my jaws and body to fighting a way out

With this realization —-/I feel immensely thankful.

Thankful and full of gratitude to the divine and most of all to my body for supporting me all the while the way it did and doing the best for me

I want to change

I am willing to change

Nothing needs to be forced. No strength is needed to get things going.

I Release This Old Mode Of Living By Force, Of Driving Myself By Force, By Hardening Up Stiffening Myself Up

I choose to soften to go with the flow to breathe in to be comfortable with whatever life brings me. Because I know – everything is happening for me, everything I need is taken care of by the divine . And that I m always divinely protected guided and loved.

There is nothing I cannot do and everything is possible.

Om

Walking (xiii)

Walking (xiii)

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As I was walking and breathing into my sacral my navel my heart using fresh air to clean my body I envision things I don’t want flying out

And I breathe out through the keloids

And that made me see ! Aha!

The keloids were an outlet of expulsion of release.

And For once I am thankful to it!

Had it not been for them things I didn’t want would have been release in another way

And wow that was some kind of creativity in thinking or creativity unlocked

I thank the keloids for all these years of support and never giving up even if it were so hard!!!!

Om!

What A Find (II)

What A Find (II)

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This somehow struck me when I read it the first time.

It’s what Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche or in general what meditation is about. Coming back to center.

Or perhaps, what life is teaching us to do. To (be willing to) come back

And where is center? I asked. A place of non attachment peace love clarity stability balance

A place of light.

“Your body wants your attention and your presence. It doesn’t want to be forgotten by you. It wants to be included in your life and in the present with you, and it will serve you if you can remember to come back to your presence each day.

And the more you return to noticing your breath, your body, the sooner you will notice when you are leaving your center. Being present will become like breathing to you. Our power lies in our presence with our body and our soul, and much of our outer world will lead us away from that truth, distract us, entice us. And this beautiful body of yours that allows you to uniquely express and experience every day, wants to be remembered by you and included in your consciousness.

  • From Be Present Meditation

Learn more here: https://www.leeharrisenergy.com/store/gKFwsReZ

(CHANNELED QUOTE FROM LEE’S GUIDES – THE Z’s)

What A Find

What A Find

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The swelling in the keloid erupted and i felt a release

As I was doming myself with essential oils, I asked myself : why did I choose this version of myself ?

I recalled myself being really expressive and eager to share with people my path or how I was disadvantaged. How much of hardship I had been through.

I wanted pity? Empathy? Praise?

I wanted to use my circumstances to invite pity empathy praise and perhaps some kind of a advantage for myself.

Yet when I got the so called advantages, I did not really use them for myself

For example when I got loads of food during festivals I always gave them away

When I got invited to amazing tastings by great chefs I always gave them away

As if to punish myself further

It was always for others rather than myself

I guess I locked myself —— once and again——into a situation or a position of a victim

To win a certain vantage point or carve out an image for myself in front of others

And I kept hurting myself in a way scratching myself and managing the keloids

Why did I do that?

I looked at these few years spent at home with the kids. They were precious so precious money cannot buy

At a certain point in time I remembered I wanted to heal with qinzhi . Then I was disappointed with work and what they could not give me. The freedom to express real passion and creativity had to be suppressed for business logic

And so I chose to come back to the home front

To hide from it all

And to sort things out

I started exploring myself- reiki with Stephan and then Ron and dwelled deep into my soul and my past

The keloids came at some point in time

And with these swelling and eruptions: the keloids was really trying to get my attention to GET OUT

I was excessively spending time on the past on the keloids to avoid looking at the real stuff

I look at myself now- am I happier? Did I get some kind of real joy or satisfaction living or hiding behind that keloid or that image ?

It’s a choice but now that I see—— somewhat a wrongful —— well

Nothing is a mistake so let’s just say I have devoted such a lot of time and energy checking myself out on this end

I went back to the past to see what could have caused it, I tried to inspect the emotions and feelings associated with it.

In another dome session, I continued to explore why I dealt with this theme. I remember saying that I want to heal with qinzhi

And looking back, I did

Looking back I wonder what that has been for. This exercise——did it help me? How?

For sure it did, it helped me release anything more left trapped in those memories. It helped me come to terms with the past. More. And made me discover more about myself, people around me and life. It has been a learning curve and a great one

I hid behind the keloids I did and hid my true power my true magnificence my authenticity that beingness of me

Well I really understood that I probably needed to be in the victim position in the beginning when my resources were limited. And at that time I needed to care for my family and bring food home

But I lost myself as I repeated that victims mode even if I need not have to any longer. It has become second skin to me and I was in that mode automatically. It had been a layer I had worn

But! (So much of ) times have changed, so much of circumstances have evolved and (so much of) I have evolved too.

Activities in the keloids have been so intense to wake me up!

That is—— when I still was stuck and chose to stop myself

Perhaps the most important learning through this all is to know—— move forward . Move forward and not back

I saw a post that read: talk to us about your blessings

Blessings were huge and always with me anytime and anywhere

The fact that I m here writing this is a huge huge blessing

I thank them! The keloids and my body ! I am grateful super grateful my body is forever rooting for me and taking care of me. I thank them- yes the keloids for the inspiration ! For doing their utmost to let me see that it’s time to MOVE ON

I no longer need to be that victim because the responsibilities are different now. I have stopped shouldering the burden for the family for a long long time in fact when sis and brother came out to work

And my husband has always been shouldering the responsibility for building our family

He has always been kind and magnanimous towards me and to let me pursue what I love so long as I m happy

He just wants me to be happy and is so willing to do anything so I can be myself

My family loves me to bits so how silly I have been to be in a victims mode!

And going forward ——what is the version of myself I want to see and approach

I stopped writing for a few days until this morning

I saw this:

Lee Harris:

“You are all healers in your work, whatever form your work takes. All of you possess healing energy that you often give to others. It is now time to use that energy, wherever possible, to focus on what you feel drawn to do, what your heart leads you to do. The point is to choose movement towards your heart’s desires for you are now accessing a level of heart power that carries a great intuition for what you need to do. What you want to do and your knowing is to be trusted – the knowing in your heart of your gifts, talents and abilities you want to share with the world.

You are the master of your own energy. You are the master of your heart. You know what you came here to do and the time is changing.

– From Ask the Heart… For It Knows Everything

(CHANNELED QUOTE FROM LEE’S GUIDES – THE Z’s)”

What do I want and want to do?

I have been asking myself. What is the version of myself I (want to) see?

I see myself so so happy and grateful because I m experiencing great health like never before. My body is in a state of balance and all processes are at its best

I am vitality and a picture of health, having all the energy I need to do things I love for myself and others.

I m calm peaceful and at ease and all of my decisions and thoughts come from a place of love and gratitude

Because I know and is aware

That translates to a beautiful body that is long lean and flexible. I have sun kissed skin and rosy cheeks.

My skin is beautiful and shows off the purity the peace in/of my thoughts. I m pretty beautiful , cute.

While I am at times envious of others flying around and having loads of wonderful experiences as a writer, I actually really like to stay at home. And to be (here for)/with my loved ones.

Maybe when the kids are slightly a bit older, say in one to two years time, and if a great opportunity comes along, I can and will be happy to take off again.

Until then, I will be happy to take on lovely freelance opportunities that allow me to express myself whilst I bring out another’s passion, quest and zest for life

Yes that is what my heart wants

It’s been a long while since I took a walk by myself

The weather was amazing with the constant sea breeze

along the walk, people who “hurt” me popped up

And I asked me, why did you so easily give your power away? Take it back take it all back

And I released – once again—- the people and the trauma they brought me into the air, claiming my power back at the same time

It was a good exercise

It made me aware that there was still stuff left there. They had been traumatic for me- more than I knew myself

And on the bus, I asked this question: is all healing guided by the soul?

As in, an exploration of the soul?

Yes I would think.

If all journeys were an extension of what the soul wants, it follows that healing too

I mean, I have been hanging on to the keloids for ten years

Why haven’t I healed yet?

And the answer is that my soul has chosen to in the time that has passed to explore this

How worthwhile is it? And what good has it brought me?

I think quite a lot . A while good lot of it . BUT- enough already.

Does my soul still want to go this way?

NO!

My soul wants me now to see the miracle of healing instantaneously

And the miracle magic and wonder of life. And it follows, the power and limitless possibilities i embody

So long as I m willing and choose

Yes I am willing

I m willing to change

I am willing to heal

I am willing to become the most wonderful and powerful version of myself

The version of myself that is better and better

That miraculous divine in me

And seeing that not only helps me but also helps me see the divine in others

Show me the grace the miracle the wonder

Somehow, this realization found me.

That the faster you move away the better it is

And I read this on Lin Chunyi’s page

“Each life experience we have has energy, just as everything in the universe has energy. Sometimes we hold on to the energy of an old story and live it over and again and it can keep us from moving forward.

One effortless way to release old stories to make room for new ones is through loving. Loving stories are never a burden. The stories that can repeat themselves in our emotional world and in our mind are the ones you feel are unfinished.

Often they are filled with ‘could haves’ and ‘should haves’. The energy is “I should have done this, or that.”

The other stories can be ones where you couldn’t believe that someone you thought you could trust did something that you felt hurt you. There can be energy like resentment, blame, and feeling a victim of the experience.

The wisdom here is that you can leave anything when you love it. The more you dislike or even hate something, the more bound you are to it.

Think about the stories you feel you have carried with you most of your life that you sense are holding you back from new, happier, more fulfilling stories.

Now, take the same experiences and list for each one the good you find in each story.

This will help you to change your story and change your energy, to live a more joy-filled life. “

And I put this question to myself, what did I find that was lovely?

While I appreciated that the keloids helped me discover healers like John well and even kickstarted my healing journey and is the reason why I even saw content and many like this above, I did not seem to find love for this

But this morning as I put the question to myself again, I thought I heard it

The keloids and my dwelling in them- gave me the time I needed before I could face up to what was required of me

It was my run away time

And the line was blurred between a respite I needed vs an addiction

Maybe sometimes one of the two, sometimes both

It gave me the time the space to break away before I was ready

I needed this

But now! I m clear and I can say

Let’s change. I m willing to change and to release that addiction the itch the swelling and all

I do not need this already

And I saw this

“ I release all my fears pain hurt from the past. I allow myself to change grow and step into my light. I am safe I am strong I am worthy. I am powerful beyond measure.”

And this!

“I am grateful for my courage my resilience and my deep inner strength. I release any limits and boundaries and I embrace all my potential and possibilities. Everything is unfolding in perfect timing. I trust I believe I receive.”