The intention today is to work with the divine to receive healing. To restore .
And this was what that came up in the run.
(i) thankful to be here
I’m thankful to be here , to be running now and to be seeing this. To be given this opportunity to be here now, to receive
(ii) nothing to do
When thoughts came, immediately there is this idea that “There is nothing to do, nowhere to go but here.
To receive.
There is no thing to do but just to be here and we will receive. I m certain.
(iii) healing comes within
Towards the end of the run, I asked myself about healing. What does my womb want me to know? That it is out of balance . And what can I do to restore he balance? To write !
The body is actually made to support the soul and soul journey and development
When there is inner clarity, the body works it’s best to support the purpose
(iv) openness
If I m here and an opportunity lands on me , isn’t that part of the flow? isn’t that a gift? Just as everything around me in the run is?
I have been looking elsewhere and thinking about something similar I have done always and remained somewhat close to the opportunity that has landed.
The intention today was to have awareness so as to work with the divine or rather to let the divine work through me.
And the “child” seems to be the theme of the run .
(i) How did you run?
This little girl was running into my lane and the first thing that popped into my mind was: how did I used to run as a child? How did my running steps feel like?
I couldn’t place these at all. Maybe I didn’t really run. I don’t really recall myself running. Perhaps it’s from the care of my family or nanny, who were so protective of me and was afraid of me hurting myself in a run . It came as advice out of goodwill and I listened in and practiced it
I didn’t run
Maybe that is why I always did not enjoy physical education in school. I didn’t like running . It’s not my thing.
But I still tried to feel for that feeling of me as a little girl of about 4 or 5. How would she run?
Without a care. Without any density of energies . Like a squirrel. That light. That free.
When I saw this, I kind of felt that in my running steps.
(ii) Possibilities
Whenever thoughts came, whenever I saw a possibility a picture of myself, I acknowledged it and told myself to continue to open up – to possibilities .
I thought of the times when I closed in or centred on one possibility. Such as when I left work. At that time, I centred on that particular possibility and couldn’t open up to the others. It was my choice.
But now, I asked myself to continue to open up, to widen to see and to observe.
And to go for the best and never settle. To go for that one which would make the little girl ‘s eyes and face shine
(iii) inner child
I had such a wonderful session with the girl in me.
What would you say to the child in you? The you in you?
“You are so blessed little one. You have such a strong and wonderful support circle around you and so move forward and do what makes you sparkle.
I feel you in perfect health and there is nothing you need to worry about.
I feel and see how you are so loved by your family and people around you. Your husband devotes to you your children love you, your siblings look up to you. “
I wanted to hear what she wants. I kind of created with the girl by asking her what she wants.
At a certain point in time, I saw why I came here again. I was daunted, couldn’t see possibilities, gave up on myself and lost my power .
In fact I reprised that too. Once very clearly during my second year in JC, when dad lost his footing and I lost mine or rather , I gave up mine.
The other time clearly, when I gave up work in 2019 . I handled my power away.
And what would the little girl choose?
“ I just want to pass on this touching feeling or moment(s) as much as I can. The feeling of the heart warmed and energized, fueling myself to greater goodness . Feeling hope and hopeful and ready to charge , to be inspired and go for it once again. “
I think that’s my power. To find my power (back) and let others see their power.
I was chatting to Widya at midnight and I felt good.
It made me think why.
I was running with the sun’s beam on my everywhere and it felt good.
The sun is a good on its own
And it dawned upon me that if we shine and be like us – very us, nothing but just us, every moment, we would be bright and brilliant, we would be a good for everyone everything around us
I sat on his lap so he could fully embrace me. And I would be wrapped up in his arms .
He asked me why and I said “迷路” or lost.
He is eager to offer his advice and support. But what meant more to me was his embrace, I still felt his hand soothing calming my back. I still felt his breath. I saw up close how his face had shed off all the baby fat . I saw his collarbones and lean frame.
And I want time to stop
I messaged him before I went to bed
“Thank you for letting me be at home and taking the time and space to rest and map out what I want to do.”
And this morning I woke with better energy than yesterday. And the embrace is still working its magic on me.
I thought just how nice it is how grateful I am to have this guardian angel next to me, knowing me always rooting for me wholeheartedly and thinking for me
And is it any wonder, that I singled out Kdrama Angel On A Mission: Love to watch now?
It’s amazing how being in nature can be. It’s not just healing but feeling part of something bigger
(I) divinity
I was trying to contemplate again on the divine. A while ago, I remember I asked myself if I believed there is god or divine? And not just knowing but feeling god or the divine?
In the run this idea came again. The idea that if this intelligence is the very one that is making birds chirp and giving them their spectacular colours of green blue yellow, it must be the same one to make me sing with joy.
(II) In place
In the run I saw a little worm suspended in mid air held by such a fine almost next to nothing thread of a web.
If this isn’t divine what is?
And in that place it is in place. Even there hung in mid air.
And even now where I am, I am in place.
(III) no reason
The idea that there is no reason for me not to be happy popped into my head. The same goes for contentment, satisfaction.
With what I have where I am, is there any reason for me to not be content or joyful? But instead of feeling grateful I was always judging and looking at more, it was my expectations my wanting more that is creating unhappiness.
But while people are rushing for work, I am having the opportunity to be out in the sun to work for my physical and mental body, to hear these thoughts and to check myself.
As usual, I intended this session as a practice for me get in touch with my heart. And it’s wonderful what came out of it.
(I) open
Allowing and practicing how to keep open. Each time thought comes- and they do, come back to openness.
This involves the willingness to come back – again and again.
(II) intelligence
What makes the sky blue and the clouds white? What makes the birds and butterflies fly? I saw a squirrel and followed it’s path across the greens and up a tree- so light so lighthearted.
Some kind of intelligence up there that I actually have sense of but could do more with.
If this is the very thing that is letting birds fly then what is it doing to me, I m in the same space in the same intelligence as the birds and bees.
I tried to tap into and use this for healing
This very intelligence that kept me alive and rescued me countless times. It’s the reason I am here for.
How can we with with this intelligence more. We do not do this enough.
I realize once again I have been many chances and opportunities by the divine . I spring back once and again . To life, for life. There is something else I want to do , need to do.
(III) surrender
The fact is the body is a superpower capable of healing- and we have to do all we can to support it. The body is on our side, always.
As I try and work with this intelligence, I offered and surrendered my problems and issues and allow the divine to take over.
(IV) power
If we are all expressions of the divine, and the divine is in us, it follows that we have the inherent divine abilities
We have the power- we are so powerful. This power is precious.
But I took me so long to see this . That we have the capacity and capability to bless ourselves. And this is what I did in the last few nights at bedtime, blessing my body wherever needed
Bf was sharing with me about powers . He believes that we should live according to our DNA or our gifts. If we do otherwise, it will be like a fish out of water.
What is your water? What and where is your power?
He says that and it made me think about mine. All along he always chided me for being emotional and I am always so led by emotions, frequently led and misled. They are powerful.
And I haven’t really consciously used them as a power. What if I do?
What if I do?
(V) believe belief
What do you / I believe in?
I just sharing with bf that during my secondary school days I wanted so much to get out of the strata I was in that I did my utmost and become one of the three who would get into Hwa Chong in that academic year.
Bf asked me what is it about my strata. What strata ?
I told him what I saw at that age. An age wheee womenfolk had to do their husband’s bidding and had no place . An age where my parents had to bow down to authority. An age where people felt they had no choice. An age of a lot of powerlessness and where parents had to submit and say “this is life” when they felt like they had no other choice
Even as a kid, I did not like hearing that
We have choices but we too often gave it away
I wanted to have choice I wanted to have freedom I wanted to decide for myself and I did my best with a silent resolve to get out. To get out of any situation where I would choose like my parents did.
To me then, to get out means to strive for a better life where there are other possibilities, at the very least, possibilities other than what I then have.
I believed in myself in working hard and being focused on my goals. And true enough, I got what I wanted.
And bf asked, “ so if you believed so much in yourself where did that believe go?”
I recounted the time in JC when dad started to ask for financial support and I started to care badly for my school
Now instead of blaming him, I could see that I made the choice yes I , to choose the east way out rather than push on, choose to submit and found myself back at the “strata”
And now I could answer what teacher asked- what did you not like about pinyen.
I did not like me giving up – on myself. Then.
I wonder now how it would have been if I pushed on.
Yet not any step of the way I have come is wasted.
The path I have taken has been so blessed by people angels buddhas god the divine and they have all supported to now.
And the questions I ask now – are not any different from the ones I asked when I was a teen . The desire to get out is the same.
Have you ever wondered? If you like yourself enough/ at all?
Bedtime with HuaiHao . And I told him about my meeting with teacher Stephan.
I told him it made me happy today to catch an old friend , teacher, guide and to have a meaningful conversation
I told him Teacher pointed out to me how powerful my mind is and that everything that I need is with me.
And he always believed in me in my power in my capabilities ——- more than I do. He said I had the gift of expression and I could express myself really clearly. His words were “you could pronounce them clearly”.
He reminded me of the importance of feeling and to just be just allow. To surrender and to trust.
He suggested that I recognize and accept my story and more importantly integrate it into my life. There’s no good no bad no need for judgement. Just me. He asked ‘what do you plan to do with them’ with these experiences? He said there’s so much I could give to the world and he is certain the time will come.
Did you ever think that you could do something with your experiences?
I told HuaiHao all this. And that teacher appreciated me for who I am.
And I told HuaiHao it felt good because he made me see that I have been too harsh with myself.
To which HuaiHao said, “ you have too high expectations “
We agreed we should cherish ourselves more and HuaiHao asked, “ maybe you don’t like yourself?”
What was amazing was that in the afternoon when I met teacher , he put that question to me too. He asked, “ what is it about pin yen that you do not like?”
I like that question. He got me thinking . Do I like myself? Did I subconsciously not like myself? What about ?
When HuaiHao asked me Thye same question I asked him back why he thinks I do not like myself. And the little wise one said, “ because you like qin cai qin cai ( meaning : careless about yourself)”
Like when I served them dinner and I would plate it nicely for them but for myself I would make do.
I always did. I always put myself last and my family infront.
And it was apparent to the little one that I did not take care of myself . To think he saw
I thought back again if I did not like myself in some ways
And yes- the times I liked myself were too little. Lesser than the parts I did not like. I was wanting perfection. I did not like parts of me that were not perfect not beautiful. I always wanted to “heal” them dissolve them. Like where the keloids are and these were kind of connected to painful times – maybe I haven’t really appreciated them for what they are . And- so much time has passed.
And I don’t seem to have integrated these experiences. Would the time be now?
And Qinzhi is reminding me that I m skirting the issue — with her dizziness .
A few days ago Qinzhi had another bout of dizzy frenzy and while I was worried and landed myself in fear, I took the chance to pause that moment and tuned in. I asked Qinzhi why she didn’t want to go to school and she said she needed time to do her work, she wanted to stay at home and be with me, and she was dizzy because she felt stressed
She knew it
And while I shared with her how she could bravely face it in her stride and be open to it all, I m once again reminded that I could also apply that wisdom to myself. Instead of trying to control and manipulate, did I stay open?
Her mode was to run into dizziness and how is that different from me?
At bedtime I told HuaiHao about this and the little one said, “you have to know that this is how everyone ‘s body reacts differently. Like papa goes in to his cave, I cry. Everyone does it differently. “
I asked him if he has any suggestions for Qinzhi on how to improve and he says , breathe.
And I get it. I get that if i want to be convincing and for my words to carry strength , I have to be that. Be open
That’s where the magic is
To open up to the present.
Teacher was sharing with me how he loved going back into nature and the moment he saw a bud blossomed. When he said this, I felt myself in the woods with him, I was also observing the opening up of the bus. It was so beautiful I teared and warmed up.
In that moment my heart center opened up and that was extremely beautiful and divine. Humbling.
That feeling was a great teaching in itself. So many lessons were learned , most of all what it feels like to be open.
In that a precious connection , first to teacher and to the opening blossom. And the world around.
And what is it I can do with my experiences?
Of late it’s been- a movie. To talk about it. Perhaps one way to get on with it, get through it is to talk about it, use it in whatever way beneficial to myself and others.
Dad and Mom headed off to Europe on 22 Dec 22, and Huaihao is off to ah yi’s house for a staycay..
I must thank ah yi and grandpa for taking care of qinzhi and huaihao and in return, Huaihao did raindrop for grandpa and qinzhi
And had a wonderful meal at Summer Pavilion to celebrate Karyn jiejie’s birthday
I sent these to Qinzhi and Huaihao and hope they receive this little message from me during Xmas
And planted little notes of “I love you ” in their wardrobe to let them feel that Mommy’s heart is always with them no matter how far—and writing this made me aware of my mom’s heart too. How far away can that be?
Whenever i called, huaihao would exclaim and in those few moments, i could feel his longing and how much he missed me.
We finally got home on 11 Jan and huaihao woke up midnight to hug me—- half asleep. he kind of caught the flu virus in a little way and had been sneezing and coughing over the last weekend.
And since then, huaihao lost some weight. while he still looked rosy and blushy, he shed off some 2 kgs and told me he has no appetite and his tummy felt painful. As the rashes on his skin is there still and fading, I finally took him to Dr Ngiam. And what a great decision this was!
Dr Ngiam saw Qinzhi 14 years ago when she was born and then Huaihao when he was born. Every time in need, he was the angel the godsend who shared advice on what to do
This time, I shared with Dr Ngiam Huaihao’s skin rashes and pictures of what went wrong. And also, the GP who diagnosed it as herpes and gave us a cream and antibiotic.
Dr Ngiam saw the photos and at one sight said that this is not herpes, but a skin infection! That was why the medication did not work ! I told him about Huaihao’s lack of appetite and he said, “never force a child to eat, and don’t give him this and that, we chinese families like to do this. But just because a fish is more expensive doesn’t mean it’s good! Then are you saying a certain type of people is better than the others?”
And he ended his advice always with his signature “understand or not?understand or not?”
I shared that Huaihao kept complaining about tummy discomfort. And asked me, “so does he have stomach pain on weekends?holidays? If he doesn’t, then this is situational and psychological and if he doesn’t disturb him, you don’t have to treat it, Understand or not? “
I asked Huaihao if he has tummy aches on weekends and Dr Ngiam retorted, “No, I am asking you!”
He turned to Huaihao and asked him gently about certain conditions, pretty different from how he spoke to me, And his love for children is obvious.
I went on to ask him about Huaihao’s nose bleeds, and he says if it’s bad and disturbs him, then we use a nasal spray to help treat it. I told him we used that before and that did not work.
To which Dr Ngiam remarked, “Doesn’t mean that you don’t get it again right. It doesn’t mean the treatment is not effective. You see if you get Covid and recovered, get well, you can still get Covid right. Understand or not?”
I do not know why I always go soft and feel like tearing up each time I see him and get advice from him, But the feeling is like I am just immensely thankful and grateful he is there when we needed him.
Even Huaihao says, “I feel so relieved now after seeing Dr Ngiam.”
Yes yes and more than that. Thankful for this godsend this angel who gave us help we needed. He is such an inspiration, always reminding me to not get carried away by hearsay, customs, cultures and to go down to the basics and to be logical. I always remember him saying, “cow drink cows milk and humans drink humans milk!”
He has aged quite a bit but still spritely and speaking with gusto and that is the best thing I am grateful for for this angel. Thank you Dr Ngiam, may you be well and happy always and your love for children and passion for child care always light and warm up another.
And before long, it’s eve of CNY eve, Huaihao is very excited about it because this year his birthday fails on the first day of CNY. HE really is looking forward to presents and CNY.
So we went shopping for CNY goodies at NTUC and he and Qinzhi helped carry the things back, hoping this would give the kids some sentiments about how CNY is like. Then at home, he helped me arrange the goodies into the snack box. And indeed had lots of good time checking out the goodies himself
And Gengyan jiujiu’s friend passed us a very nice mandarin orange and pineapple pie and the foodie had it of course.
We had a chance to pop by gengyan jiujiu’s new house!And Qinzhi and Huaihao found the best seat in the house!
And before long, CNY is here. As i get older , I learn to celebrate each and every reunion. Togetherness is a blessing. And to have the same food every year is slowly becoming a tradition.
And it happens that Huaihao’s birthday falls on the first day of CNY and Gengyan jiujiu got him a cake that he requested for.
And Huaihao stayed up really late to fix an elmo lego on CNY eve, he declared he was going to sleep at 12 midnight because tradition goes that if the young stays up on CNY eve, then the parents in the tribe enjoys longevity.
On the first day of CNY, Huaihao woke up early and he was so happy because its his birthday. He really looked forward to the day and the presents he was going to get.
But he got really upset when he heard that his daddy did not get him a present. His dad always did. On every year. And Huaihao was looking forward to it. And when he knew that daddy didn’t, he cried really hard. There were lots of emotions choking him. And I felt him.
But he recovered after some crying. And then Gengyan jiujiu came along and Huaihao and Qinzhi said good wishes, then we went over to ah mei ah yi’s. Then to ah yi popo’s at Pasir Ris.
At night, we had another celebration with everyone and so blessed it is to have everyone at the table singing along.
Dear Huaihao, may you be well and happy always. Thank you for you.
Its interesting how mudras found their way to me, or vice versa,
And this!
“Today, I want to share with you an important hand posture to help with invasive energies. Remember “invasive” energies aren’t necessary “bad” energies…. they are just energies that are not in alignment with yours. In Spring Forest Qigong Level Two, we teach a simple technique to use for protection… Touch your thumb to your index finger, making a circle (similar to the “okay” sign). Holding this posture keeps your energy from draining when you experience fear. When you are with an angry person or someone who threatens you, holding this posture will cause the energy channels in your body to close so that no energy can be taken out. Quiet your mind when dealing with these people and put loving light around them. This will help you and it will help them. When meditating, I encourage you to hold the protection posture to strengthen your kidney energy after you have had an open hand posture for the first two to three minutes. The reason we do this is because, a open hand”
oday, I want to share with you a important hand posture to help with invasive energies.
Remember “invasive” energies aren’t necessary “bad” energies…. they are just energies that are not in alignment with yours.
In Spring Forest Qigong Level Two, we teach a simple technique to use for protection…
Touch your thumb to your index finger, making a circle (similar to the “okay” sign).
Holding this posture keeps your energy from draining when you experience fear.
When you are with an angry person or someone who threatens you, holding this posture will cause the energy channels in your body to close so that no energy can be taken out.
Quiet your mind when dealing with these people and put loving light around them.
This will help you and it will help them.
When meditating, I encourage you to hold the protection posture to strengthen your kidney energy after you have had an open hand posture for the first two to three minutes.
The reason we do this is because, a open hand allows the energy to flow in and out of the body moving out blockages more easily.
When you’ve done this, then you close the channels with the protection posture to simply collect the beautiful healing energy of the universe.
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