Tag: Healing

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

Inspirations From A Run (XIII)

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The intention was to find the answers I need to help me move forward.

Ever since I came back from my trip, I find my body slowing down, sometimes I felt like my coordination was up in slips

This gave me worries and fears. Anxiety built up and I went – as usual to search for answers.

Was it stress? What was I really worried about? What bothered me?

So I set this intention for the run today

And I heard these flost into my awareness

– Run deliberately. Breathe deliberately. Go about your life’s littlest things deliberately.

– You created all this, all these extra things with some form of discontent with the present, that present you have had. You wanted something else other than that,

Let’s just say you didn’t really put yourself in the now

My way of tackling an issue is asking why but that did not work for me. It always brought me into a whirlwind of unsettled emotions which confused and thwarted my balance. So I asked. And the answer came.

– what is the best thing you can do in this moment? Or this next moment ? What is the step you can work on. Just do that.

–release. I realize all worries fears doubts self criticism and judgments I have in my system ever since the beginning of time and

– the mind body connection is very real. I hesitated about my way forward and my body merely showed that to me because it was not apparent to me

– what was it that really bothered you? What was stopping you? I asked. Worries (again?) about the kids? My abilities? Actually- no.

It was not knowing exactly what or how I want to live my life.

The last few episodes of The King Land echoed to me.

Won’s mother came to his father and asked of him to let the child live as he wants. To live the life he wants. She said that when she erroneously left Won as a child, she thought that would be the way to protect him, but in that decision she gave up the opportunity to live the life she wanted

She asked Won’s father , “ and did you live the life you want?”

In the final episode, Sarang decides to leave the King Hotel in which she was a top performer. She breaks the news to Won on the same occasion he wants to propose to her. And he keeps the ring back knowing that to love is to allow, to let the other’s dream take priority before yours.

He only asks of her, “ promise that on this journey when you find it tough alone, call me and I will run over”

When Sarang was in confusion trying to decide, she confided in her grandmother

“I’m wondering if the work I do at the hotel is what I really want to do? This isn’t what I dreamed of. I know I should be thankful instead of complaining.“

“My baby has finally learned to grumble and whine. No matter how well known a restaurant is, it’s no use if it’s not to your liking. Who cares about the hotel? you only live once. You should do what you want to do. Don’t mind other people. And don’t hesitate either. Do everything you want to. If it isn’t the way you can take a detour. If you fall off a cliff you can climb back up again. You will be fine. I’m here for you so do whatever you want to do.”

her grandmother put things into perspective for her, “”

And the question that is begging: what IS the life I want? Did I live life the way I want?

I think the last few years had me searching—- I was asking a lot on the inside and that translated to exploring on the front outside. I picked up things here and there and tried things that echoed to me

But they are not exactly mine. Perhaps at most, I rubbed of them a little. I was inspired. I tried to emulate and embrace. But they didn’t last because it’s not me and I would always feel bad about not persevering.

And so, at this point in time, I am asked to find my way. To start living. To be me.

Knowing what you truly want- that is the highest position.

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

Inspirations From A Run (XII)

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Still fascinated or having questions about the now.

So the practice follows the intention yesterday- to bring me to the now

And I was asking myself the question- what is in the now?

As I ran, the answers came.

Inspirations for my work. Questions I could ask newsmakers. Stories I could pitch. Things I can cook for lunch.

My mind was running everywhere in the now.

Then the wind came along. I used it to shower my body with the freshness it brought.

I asked it to cleanse me if the excessive energies and anything that no longer supports me.

I felt good with/ in the wind and that brought about feelings of gratitude. I thank my body for running with me, the divine for the opportunity and myself for showing up.

Running in the cool wind made me happy! Now brought me joy- if I am aware.

When I a bit lazy, I used the now to set the intention to plant this seed of healthfulness for my future.

And it appears to me- now is everything and anything. It’s emptiness but fullness or wholeness as well.

It’s where things are created and the future is paved.

Thank you for the practice opportunity!

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

Inspirations From A Run (XI)

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I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.

And it did

NOW.

Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.

Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.

And I asked myself why.

Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved

I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.

And the wind came.

I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.

I asked it to help me be in the now.

When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss

Where is now?

But it’s here. Right here.

See You In My 19th Life

See You In My 19th Life

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https://www.netflix.com/th-en/title/81671426

Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House

The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life

The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life

That was what the kpop drama is about

Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes

Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves

When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha

But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together

Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life

By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit

She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her

Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back

When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.

It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up

It was herself who cursed herself

“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”

And who brought herself into existence over and over again

Wow

Wow

Wow

And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”

The drama used an analogy this way.

Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her

He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness

And delivers the message that –

If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to

If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate

Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget

She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”

In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her

Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime

She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her

Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand

And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels

Ji Eum says she is happy

A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything

And four words- All is good now

And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won

Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back

Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone

I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out

If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now

Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara

So much pain misery and suffering

But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget

And rather hangs on in pain

The drama shows that there is a way out

And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate

Life is lighter and simpler

And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing

That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time

To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom

It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else

I look at myself in inspection

I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it

Thinking that this is the way out

But it is so wrong

Making peace with oneself is not like that

Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom

I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another

May all beings be well and happy.

I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife

I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad

And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “

Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole

My perspective led me to the reality of a pain

Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too

Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up

And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?

I tried to say “All is good now”

Yes all is good now

And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling

Oh And let’s just say the ost is so very nice too

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mctjoaC68h0

Inspirations from a Run (X)

Inspirations from a Run (X)

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What if everything I believed was not ?

I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?

The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.

In simpler terms, I did not accept

That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.

If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.

There was a little spark I saw seeing this.

But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?

What if I had chosen another concept another idea?

What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?

What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?

The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.

To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.

To see the dream.

Leave the dream- wake up.

Inspirations from a Run (IX)

Inspirations from a Run (IX)

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(i) What cannot touch you

Ran and saw a couple friend who once tried to get my help into their business, but it all fell apart on its own somehow. This happened perhaps half a year ago.

I must have tried many times to do a reconciliation of what happened , for example, I thought of the Dalai Lama’s words-that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck. Or things like, they can’t afford you. Or, this isn’t meant for you.

And so very suddenly, it dawned upon me in my run, that business cannot touch me. Or intentions which have the purpose of money making, can not yet touch me-no matter how much they do not seem so on the surface.

With that realisation, which reinforced the need for us to be still to receive wisdom- I went on to look at the things that I have dabbled in and somehow, went apart on its own after a while -perhaps because these are not in lined with my own intentions.

And what are my own intentions I asked?

I recall John’s words many years ago that my path is a spiritual one. And I thought of the time when I was at my highest, I was sharing light- not mine, but of others, things like honour, passion, love, belief, things like this, I was sharing these outwards in stories, videos.

And of late, the picture in my mind was just being with people who told me stories of their lives and how they created and keep creating magic and wonders-for themselves and others.

So what can touch me? I asked.

(ii) Caught in middle

Don’t we all? Do this or that? Choose this or that? Which way forwards? Every moment of choice when we deliberate over something. We find ourselves in a middle position which offers some form of resistance and challenge.

The crux is how do we use this rather than be sucked in the moment or feel compelled and becomes a reaction.

When action is really what we are after.

Awareness awareness awareness is easier said than done when we are under the conditioned mind, subject to the pinnings of yesterday, today, others, experiences.

Is there any way we can use the moment of choice of opportunity? Use it and make it literally so, so that we do not create decisions that land us away from what we really want.

I say so because of late I feel so caught. And it is giving me headaches because I am in the middle or have not taken a clear enough stand.

A part of me is still stuck in the past huh

Looking at it, I have been given so many opportunities to do something different each time this same thing comes up. And so many times past, I did the same, which birthed and consecrated this new event, and I am thinking so hard what to do-and it all happens in the background, its consuming my energy.

Buddhist studies helped lots, to let me know that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, the theory is enlightening and liberating. The question is how do we reconcile with the issue on hand? How do we apply this learning.

How can I breakthrough of this cycle I have been perpetuating myself in?

How can I get out ?

Perhaps, rather than thinking my way out, I could feel my way out. I want to transform this, transmute, this.

The laws of cause and effect was brought to mind in the buddhist course, if I want the effect of breakthrough out of this cycle, what causes do I apply?

What Do You Believe

What Do You Believe

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Watched INside effects: How the Body Heals Itself – https://rumble.com/c/KeithLeonS

And there was this question asked: what is it that you believe of your own health?

I tried to ask myself that- how and why did I create the keloids the cyst the little hole in the gum and sensitive teeth

And I came to the understanding – in the deeper ends of my consciousness, I have been adversely affected by the times when my dad had spinal operation, when my two grandmas had taken ill, when mom was taken ill suddenly, when mom’s brother and sister passed on suddenly

That explains why I was also worried to go to the doctor

In fact when I was young, I already had a fear of seeing the doctor.

I was always afraid there was something wrong and that the doctor would find something

It was a fear that I remembered since I was young

And how did that come about?

Was that even mine to begin with?

Did I hear it from someone or did I pick up that worry that fear somewhere? The closest or the one that came to mind with gor gor who had a similar fear.

And writing this now made me aware that I had been carrying this for so long

It made me wonder how I would have been – how my life would have been different if I had not one once had an ounce of this ? How would I have been?

And the fact is bf always reminded me of that? He always said to me ,” there is nothing wrong with you at all”

Because I thought I was not, my body also made me these times

That was how I created what I didn’t want

And seeing this made me want to start a new relationship with my body my cells

And not first without thankfully greeting my body and cells for always supporting me showing up for me renewing me rejuvenating me and healing me helping me- throughout all the times

And I invite my body my cells to embark on a new journey with me- one that speaks of great energy vitality perfect health and miraculous healing

And one in which I can do anything and everything I like with full support and credit given by my beautiful perfectly healthy body

Start now too, you you you you you you and you……

I start by running, being aware of my diet, eating whole foods , watching and observing my thoughts, chanting, sending love and light to myself and others

What is it you can do to bring you to that ideal place of effect vitality and health- therefore: happiness?

Inspirations From A Run (VIII)

Inspirations From A Run (VIII)

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I had a conversation with the anxiety and fear I have been feeling in the last few days.

HuaiHao said he could feel it. I asked him how and he said “ there’s like an aura of it on me, like you are anticipating something.”

The feeling diminished slightly – not actually significantly after my virtual interview with CXXX

I guess I didn’t want it. So I felt relieved after the session

I told my family over dinner – that previously I had been preoccupied with sending out job applications

And now that I receiving echoes I am seriously wondering what my calling is or how I want my future to be

And I am getting the jitters because I’m not familiar with this point enough – or as much as I want to

Now writing about this made me appreciate the fear or concern I have been harbouring

It was really asking me to pause and to have a think with myself

I was just fidgety and anxious, impatient and jittery

During those few days, I realised that the energy it was bring me is stopping. Stopping me from advancing

And I didn’t understand it fully then until in the run and now really

The first thing I did was to acknowledge its presence and simply say to it. Hello dear, I see you, I feel you, I hear you.

And it was a good feeling. The feeling was opening up to it rather than suppressing it not wanting to see it abhorring it

The. I asked what the message it had for me and the response that came along was –

It is a habit and a highly reinforced energy- over the years. And in a bid to caution me, to alert me of possible pitfalls and that I needn’t be fearful of it.

So there are two things here: an automatic habit of feeling fear that kicks in once I sense myself encountering something different or what I m not used to

The other is my response to this habit – while I have been always afraid of it, I can listen in to it and use it to my advantage

Another response that came was to use this energy. To use it and fully so, on something new like in a new venture a new project or adventure . For these are innately arisen to support and help me. And I could really use them this way.

And I asked what I could do to resolve the habit .

And I find myself saying thank you and goodbye to this energy. It has been with me for 40 years and I was fearful of it, when all it wants is to help me and support me

Helping me come to where I have.

And I find it moving from the belly to my heart and that was where I said goodbye.

It’s a wonderful conversation

Inspirations From A Run (VII)

Inspirations From A Run (VII)

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The intention was to get to know why the soul chose to come to earth? What was so attractive here that I wanted to explore so much I signed this contract?

I ask for the running practice session to help me find out.

And what did I hear ?

(I) to see and find out about light

All the times of perceived difficulty in worry and fear, each time I chose the way out – guided by light. I travelled in the direction of light once and again

(II) to find my magic my divinity

Each time of perceived difficulty worry and fear, I drew out from my core my being my soul my power my magic.

I thanked myself for keeping on – with openness, with the willingness to try , once again. To persevere and not give up. To stake on myself and believe I can

No I did not come here to worry about health, that was me gone off course. And i steer myself back

(III) the miracle body

Everyone of us has this miracle body who takes such wonderful amazing care of us , supporting us healing is restoring us to keep us going

The way my body heals is instant miraculous and magic

Our bodies perform magic once and again on is for us- because it wants us to know that we have a bigger purpose and a lot of things to achieve and accomplish. Our bodies want us to do exactly what we want to come here for and so they support us so unconditionally so faithfully so committed – with so much love

I thank my body I thank my body. Thank you for loving me!

(IV) the magic is if I m well you are

If I m facing light and feeling all the wonders of it, why wouldn’t my daughter? Why wouldn’t you? Or he? She?

One of the most meaningful things I heard from Lee Harris the day before in his free podcast was that when you run( or do something) , you are carrying the energy for another too.

We are all parts of each other. Fractals of each other.

If I am well you are too.

(V) so go forth and do what gives you joy

Without a care

10 Yrs 4 Mths

10 Yrs 4 Mths

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Huaihao is working hard at the Rubik’s Cube and exploring all ways to solve it–and he has.

This month, the foodie in him was channeled to help me with tasting sweets, and when celebrating daddy’s birthday

Look at the card he made for daddy!

But he also had a go at rediscovering what he loves-drawing, sketching and he does it with this sense of wittiness that is in his eyes

He spent some time going back to the basics-drawing, because he had too much device time and is banned from it for 2 weeks!

But being banned doesn’t stop him from exploring possibilities, he was trying out all the ways he could think of before calling it quits and coming back to draw

When all that he tried couldn’t make the devices come back to, he had to fall back on his first loves

That’s how he got to make a wallet like this

On day we were at the National Museum, there was an art programme going on and i took the chance to participate with huaihao, where he drew himself on the bus

Looking at the drawing’s expression, he must have been bored stiff!

On a weekend, he woke early and we headed out to walk and had our usual vegetarian bee hoon

This month was also big for Huaihao as he had the chance to participate in Track & Field during the National School Games season. He was really excited about it and this day he had to report to school at 635am.

My recommendations to Huaihao was that he should enjoy the process and have fun rather than to be bent on winning. And afterwards he shared that having fun was exactly what he did. And he would go for it again!

On Mother’s Day, I woke up to his card, he hid it under his pillow and flashed it out when I woke!

At bedtime on a few occasions, I was asking Huaihao for some advice on my career progression to which he said things like:

“you have to start somewhere, you can’t be a protagonist right from the beginning “

“rich people don’t do things they don’t like”

“you have to do things you like”

One day on YouTube, Qi Qin was playing the harmonica

Me: So nice to be able to play. You could direct your emotions into the instrument and let them be expressed in beautiful notes

HuaiHao: You can actually be the instrument you know

Bedtime with HuaiHao

Was telling him about a new opportunity that has come my way and I m not feeling entirely confident

But speaking to him cemented things. I had prayed for an opportunity because I wanted to provide for my father every month

And this is one opportunity that is. If this isn’t the universe’s answer to my prayer then what?

Wow

And he said, “ go for it. Isn’t this what you have been longing for? And if you don’t try, you don’t know.”

when I asked him for advice he also said, “ rich people don’t do things they don’t like and rich doesn’t just mean money.”

On the night he came back from visiting the Thow Kwang Pottery Jungle, he shared with me bits and pieces of his trip. And we spoke about daddy. And HuaiHao said, “ he’s so grumpy today!“

So I asked, “and what do you do?”

He said, rolling his eyes from side to side, “ it’s like there’s someone passing the ball in my eyes. Let’s just get on with what we are busy with or else the clouds that we are will turn into a storm”

I can’t help but giggle at the way he puts things. We could have been a cloud to observe it all, but if we participated in anyone’s unhappiness , we would if unwitting enough—be joining their storm.

What wisdom.

Another day at dinner time:

Me: I’m sorry I m not a good cook

HuaiHao: pats me on the elbow, “ it’s ok there’s always a next time

But HuaiHao did not keep to his promise about using the diffuser and I would not be in his room if he had not . But there I was . And he said, “ because you want to be with me.”

How accurate.

Always and forever