Tag: Healing

Realising Me xvi

Realising Me xvi

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Is it any more valuable to punish ? To find someone to blame to take responsibility?

No

Not at all

Yesterday, at one low point, one very low point, this thought came over.

all that happened came as a result of an aggregate.

it was made of a sum total.

everyone chipped in, myself included.

and i probably steered it the most, because I have been unconscious of this whole wheel of life that is rolling.

it brought me all of the heartaches and pains, all the hurt and the suffering.

But it also brought me a lot of wonders—-all the wonderful people i met, all the beautiful food I had the opportunity to savour, all the meaningful travel experiences i have, all the teachers and angels I met, then my two precious.

And what choices do I have?

Logically, the best I can think of—– move forward with it.

How?

Embracing it, acknowledging it. Studying it, processing it to understand how my subconscious have been taking control with all these learned reactions, wiring, programming.

Taking all the good ones, and letting go of those that doesnt work for me or learning to transform.

Easier said than done, but a way out at least that can anchor me for a bit.

Work on the emotional side may be more tricky and, I have to be patient.

I thought of Daniel Boulud, and what he said to me—-there is no hurry to become a great chef. but if you believe in cooking….

be gentle TPY.

lets go again.

And i slept really early with the kids yesterday. Today, I wake up feeling like I can do it again, dont know where the energy is from, but there’s a willingness at heart that says, “I want to have another go at it, let me try—— again.”

thankful I have the opportunity and a new go.

Huaihao didnt want school today because he’s had an infection on the tongue that he complains of, then he said a girl was bullying him at school, taking his things and being naughty. He said he shared this with the teacher and has told his classmate but it didnt help.

If it were the past, I would have insisted he goes to school in a top down military approach. We have been taught —how can you NOT go to school if it were something so minor?

But I didnt.

After reasoning with him, I took him on my laps and asked him about his tongue and his pain.

I shared with him what possibilities have caused this and the steps we can do to make it better.

And with his classmate, I encouraged him to ask her to be courteous and ask whenever she wants something. And I also checked with his teacher who resonated that this little girl has been getting out of hand.

I shared all these with huaihao, and more, that the little girl might be need of something, attention and something more, but didnt really know how to express it.

So Huaihao could be patient with her to help her. And to be gentle and to give her some space.

And, to give her some “pinky love”

Then I did reiki with huaihao beside me on the bed, I was thinking it might not be easy, what if he makes noises and asks me questions?

But I tried it all the same, and it wasnt that bad.

Today, the session appears to me like an inward looking experience.

Its almost as if I have eyes that are turning inwards as I worked on each part. Just looking at it and seeing how it is there or what calls out to me.

There are times I slip into a deeper inside, then I would surface again, travelling to different depths.

Then I realise some fear surfacing. Where is it from? I ask.

Just observe

The fear comes up to my upset chest and heart, like a wring of energy or ache that takes over. Its got this crippling effect that renders your limbs slightly lighter and the body feels a tightening, a freezing.

Feels metal cold, and I thought of the time daddy was in hospital after surgery.

And I had to visit.

I can still see the blanket

Then mom.

Myself at the hospital when uncle slipped at his workplace and just dropped dead

OR the fear when we didnt know where my husband’s mom went and we felt the worst could be coming.

wow.

And I recalled yesterday during the reiki I did for myself, a pang of fear rose upright too. Much stronger yesterday then today. 

I just observe it until I feel energy flows again and moved my hands to other parts.

Be free

Be free

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Because I do not want to be at home

Because I need space for myself

Because I don’t know where to go

I landed here

In front of Buddha

With all my pain and brokenness

Dear Buddha,

May all sentient beings have happiness and it’s causes

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and it’s causes

May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrow less bliss

May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, be free from anger attachments and share compassion with all beings

Dear Buddha

I pray that because of the anger I have all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of the pain and the difficulties I have, all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of all that I have gone through, not a single one have to go through any of those

Dear Buddha.

Sound Healing and Meditation i

Sound Healing and Meditation i

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is the first time I went for a sound healing meditation class, even if I have worked with tibetan singing bowls before in my kundalini class.

And the teacher or facilitator is like a Greek goddess, later on she said she’s lived in Greece. No wonder.

She uses crystal bowls and combined the session with writing because she says that writing or journaling can be cathartic 

She asks us to think and note down first what we intend 

  • how do you want to feel with this going on in the world today
  • Who do you want to be

I wrote this

And felt slightly silly

Be an angel? TPY? haha

Afterwards we did some breath work to slow down our brain waves

Basically breathing in

White light enveloping you

Drawing white light to the crown, third eye, throat, heart, navel, pelvic area ten the root of the spine

Finally on the exhale visualize the white light shooting out of the spine towards the ground and as they touch the ground, roots grow out of it

And ground and connect you to Mother Earth

I like the way she puts things, she said this is totally not a coincidence that we on a saturday afternoon would be here with her

Like reminding us to be a witness of the experience and no judgement is required. And when thoughts might become challenging, to use our breath as an anchor to come back to the meditation.

Then the bowls start singing

It’s powerful and they sweep through the the body irregardless of how or what you intend

My right leg twitched and released something

Then afterwards I drifted off

When the class ended , she asked us to take a peep at the oracle card placed on the right side of the mat

And peep I did

A book was passed around for us to make sense of what the card meant

Where we could find what the card means

And this is the explanation 

It’s amazing because-its so coincidental

When the facilitator asked us who we want to be, that which came to mind was: an angel.

I was amused myself and I thought against writing it down 

An angel?

How amusing how childish but I wrote it down all the same

And the explanation talked about souls in a human body 

And loving to be with angels

It reminded me of what Stephan said- that I m somebody else but chose to be here

“Hanging out in the stars?”

No wonder Stephan kept seeing stars! LOL

But now. I remember mommy said to me. That she went to some fortune teller who told her that I m some heavenly being but was punished for a mistake and had to come to earth

And Mr Ng used to day to me—- remember that we are souls on earth having a human experience 

And I remember telling Stephan when he asked “what is it that you want”

That it is about finding a way out for myself, how not to lose myself to the realities or the mainstream. 

Really , haha

And the message I derive from this is that- 

I m on the right track but I have to ground. Ground. Ground.

As I bond and get on with transcendence, I see the distance I have with people around me in immanence 

Operating within

And that I need patience both with myself and with others

I cannot expect others to be at my pace

And I do not need to judge them or I would have been haughty 

Instead I need to bring myself to their level so that they too can get a peep at transcendence

And this is like a reminder to me, to be fully present as I practiced reiki. The purpose of breath is to bring me in and on the ground, not further away.

The message is also acceptance and to learn to celebrate life and all that it brings.

Or even better, be a witness.

Later I asked her a few qns about the bowls and she says the bowls find people

And I got to know of the eka mai mantra

“This mantra is believed to instill the entire knowledge of the Universe without ever reading a book. It is the yogi’s humble bowing to the infinite.”

The full version here

Eyka Maaee Joogut veeaee

Tin Chele Parvan

Ik Sansari Ik Bandari

Ik Laa-ey Deeban

Jiv Tis Bhaveh Tiveh Chalaaveh

Jiv Hoveh Furmaan

Oh Vaykeh Ona Naadar Na Aveh

Baahoota Eyho Vidaan

Aadays Tisai Aadays Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat Jug Jug Ayko Vays

Translation:

All honor to the One, Hail the Primal Being whose attributes cannot be described, Who is without beginning, the Unstruck Sound, and whose form is One through every Age.

Aadays tisai aadays:

I salute You. I salute You, again and again.

Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat:

You are the beginning.

You are all dimensions of limitlessness wonder.

Anahat:

That unstruck sound.  the space where we merge with the Sound and the sound permeates every fiber of our being…it’s where we experience great healing and bliss.

Jug Jug Ayko Vays:

Remains true through all ages, through all time.

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Today our whole tribe attended a prayer ceremony for grandmother grandfather and ….. mommy

It’s been a year since grandma or ah ma’s passing. How fast can time be?

Ah Ma, so tiny in frame, but so large in life or larger than. I think it will be impossible for me to forget what she said, when she came into our family to stay with us, to mother us, after mom’s passing.

“Yen, take it as if it was nothing. Be brave.”

I dont know how much courage she gave me so many times in life when I find myself in need. Just this line and what she did with her life.

And the prayer ceremony brought ah ma, ah gong or grandpa and mommy together.

At a temporarily set up altar, a big paper home is in place. The tribe is putting ah ma ah gong and mommy together as they reunite in the other world.

Everyone seems to feel better after doing the rites, its like they say, all done.

But for myself, it was something much much more as I went through it.

Seeing the photos of grandfather grandmother and mommy in the face was impactful.

I feel a stir somewhat . What are the words I should use when I can’t even make sense of my emotions? Arggh

Feels like a wind has come by and ruffled some pages of a book . Or some dust of a book hidden somewhere stirred.

Now as I put words down, I realize wind and light has come. Yes. Isn’t that a good thing TPY?

Like it did something to the long standing hurt and pain that has been kept in a certain place in my body, maybe…maybe in everyone else’s

I breathed in light and air as I sat there listening to the rites.

If anything, BREATHE

I worked hard at that.

As the gongs cymbals and prayer music came on, i try to be aware of areas of resonance.

it feels like some resonance can be found at the tummy area and heart

Like it was inviting things out

As I looked at ah ma’s picture, I began to speak to her

Thank you granny for sacrificing the way you did. For the selfless devotion , for all your giving. For giving your entire life to the Tan clan.

You had the whole tribe on your shoulders, how heavy is that?

How selfless is that?

How much responsibility and challenge could that have been?

But you took it all the same.

And the whole tribe is bowing to you now, on behalf of them all, thank you granny for giving up your happiness for all of us.

Please find your peace now

And another thought came to mind: Must people only find peace when they have given of themselves and after they die?

Really? Cant there be another way?

I looked at ah gong’s picture and I saw myself sitting on his lap kissing his face in the living room at our family home in geylang

It feels almost as if I can still feel the warmth and the smell of cigarette emanating from his mouth.

But I felt loved as a grandchild. I dont seem to recall any other grandchild being so close to ah gong.

I would kiss his face five times, on both cheeks, forehead, nose, chin

Like a ritual.

I recall dad telling me ah gong is a great cook. He did Tze Char, had a stall where all his children helped out and served celebrities at his stall with his hor fun, Har Lok (sautéed prawns), stir fried liver…

And afterwards, when I m on the food journey i recognised the seed planted by ah gong perhaps but that which I have expressed or interpreted with my own.

I might not have been a great cook, but i did meaningful valuable stories recording chef’s lives and wisdom that people could read over and over again, timeless quotes and wonderful values

And even if I have left the industry now, I find it hard to sever my ties with food even if I wanted to. There are people who keep calling and wanting me to serve in this industry in different ways

Then I look at my mother’s photo, and I sort of still felt her love

Why? It is still here so long after she has gone in 2002.

Her love so big so strong! I realise it traversed distance, space, dimensions. How big is that?

Thank you mommy, for loving us the way you did. For your selfless love and care for us all. For giving your life and soul your everything to the family, like ah ma has, for always always considering and prioritizing us. Making decisions for the good of us rather than yourself first

Please be at peace please find your peace

And as I said thank you to granny and mommy, I felt something lifted off my body and my cells

Like something opened up…ka cha….

Like there was a release

I heaved things out ……..PHEW!

As I was looking at the whole tribe, and my family, I give thanks to granny mommy for all the love and life they have given to the tribe

On behalf of the tribe of my family I say this, and is thankful I have the awareness to do this.

I sort of see them smile satisfactorily and going away

And for myself——-I feel like I can finally have a fresh new start

After so long, I think I can finally bye this experience away

And I have reflections almost instantly

-Can’t they be at peace in life?

-I began to realize how similar I have been when making decisions , I followed mother and grandmother—— I always thought of my children first and not my feelings first

I shouldered my family above myself when the family was in need. Wow. And at a much younger age.

And the beautiful thing is——I found a way!!!

If granny and mommy attended to anyone else other than themselves first, then why dont I do the reverse?

What if I attended to my emotions first ?

Rather than thinking for my family?

I would want to get out of this situation

I would not have kept things under wraps thinking this is good for the kids

So I should try the reverse instead. Try TPY try!

I should try this method of putting myself first because if its good for me, it must be good for my kids somewhat. And if I m not happy, the kids will not be.

Then I could rewire and change things

And finally be myself

It reminds me of my solo trip in Paris

One time I went one round and came back to the same spot realising ——–I have come one full circle

Now too, I feel like I have had a dream and I m back to some ten years ago, when mommy had passed on, and I have processed this, and can start off, acknowledging the loss yet can move on.

Finally, I asked for ALL the support, resources, power, strength, wisdom, energy, longevity, vitality that I need to breakthrough and to become a better version of TPY.

Overcoming

Overcoming

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Saw a nice video today on overcoming fear and stress

https://summit.gaia.com/transcendence-summit/launch-episode-2?ch=tr&sc_src=email_608837&sc_lid=45124332&sc_uid=cHyqgzprLr&sc_llid=47901&sc_eh=c7875d7b25ee03611&utm_medium=prospect&utm_campaign=tr-transcendence-summit&utm_content=t1-summit-auto-live-2-day-3&utm_term=text&utm_source=email

And how thoughts matter in building our health.

Inside, Wim Hof spoke on his trauma that haunted him because his birth and presence wasnt expected and he was delivered in a cold passageway.

It is no wonder then that today he has become truly a man in the cold and has found a way out to manage or work with the cold—and that is by breathing.

He became someone who isnt afraid of the cold.

He isnt only inspiring but he made magic—out of himself and of pain.

I am intrigued and very drawn to people like these who show with their life, what magic can be, if you persevere and never give in, or give up. What strength do they possess?

It brought upon me once and again, the significance of turning pain and traumatic experiences into something useful.

I had seen a few video clips of this man and my family follows his breathing technique of late.

But how did this inspiring man get here?

Why, as with all others, it was pain and trauma that led the way for him, and in turn, he searched and experimented on himself and proved that this is not unique to him, but others, so he paved the way for many, to breathe their way through challenging times.

It also brought upon me the very idea that we will find our peace in the very thing that brought us unbalance in the first place. Like Hof being upset by the cold he was delivered in, and he delivered himself (working) in the cold.

I tried to think about myself.

But met with a little bit of a stumble, its ok, I’ll leave it here for a while.

And Hof says, “the cold forces me to get deeper inside.”

I look at myself again. All my experiences have been forcing me to get inside as well. Reliving, processing, transforming.

He said one thing, “Just breathing and believing (you can)”

Makes you can a reality.

What do I want to believe in?

Becoming Old

Becoming Old

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I l-o-v-e love love this quote by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami.

He says, “ I always thought that people grow old gradually. But no, people get old in a flash.” Aging did not come from the first wrinkle, not the first strand of white hair but from the instant you give up on yourself. Only people who do not give themselves up, not find old age. Aging might come in numbers but not his or her aura. The heart of a child can stop one from growing old.”

Getting old in a flash—— I can certainly resonate with that.

As I read this quote, I recounted how my heart hardened in an instant, how I coerced myself to do things that might not be me, how I bit my teeth and forced myself into positions.

In a flash certainly.

So much journey so many experiences, processed in my mind —— in a flash.

How old have I grown in a flash?

As I saw these flashbacks, I want to offer much love and light to the girl who grew so old so old in those flashes.

But I look at my face.

It does not give any clue to what depth and breadth of life’s experiences I have gone through.

So many times I have done interviews with top CEOs and talents in their respective fields and they would talk to me in a condescending manner. They were obviously disturbed a young girl like me would be sent to speak with them.

I hated their look.

I m older than you think —— was what went on in my head.

But now, I love my face even more.

Huaihao always holds my face with both hands when he is drowsy and about to sleep and would caress my face.

I love how his small hands fit and hold me together. It’s almost like my brokenness instantly puts itself together.

That’s the power of his little hands.

I remind myself to be a better person and to do better because I have him and I want him to be proud of me

Realizing Me x

Realizing Me x

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Today I felt the body toughen up as I lugged the school bags

It’s a new degree of understanding- like in a flash you saw the muscles tighten

Ahhh so I am still toughening up! That was a discovery! I am still using that set of habits to get about my daily chores

Why? Of course !

I had known that method that habit for at least 20years

Shouldering. Toughening up with brut strength and force

Meeting a challenge by garnering all that I have. Forcing my way through without a care or concern for myself.

With all my might.

And as I saw the traffic light turn green I was ready to rush for it

I felt how

I felt my body stiffen so readily in a bit to chase

Forcing myself into the situation

Then I asked how else I could do this?

I tried to chase without the toughening

To watch the subtleties

And it felt better

Lighter

I continued to intentionally send light to the girl that was me, shouldering it all—— that was when I was carrying the bags

And I told myself to be mindful

Let every step make the difference

And this morning , HuaiHao saw the moon

Then I saw it again after kissing the kids goodbye

And as I walked back I saw the moon more and more

And as I took the last photo

It was as if o was giving the moon a face

And then I realized how the and why plane got close to the moon

Just by moving

The plane moved I moved

We must move ourselves first

We can change how things look or appear

Isn’t that wonderful?

Just by moving ourselves not anything else

Knowing this gives you power

And then I got home and saw the sun brimming at me

I ask it for all the light power wisdom happiness joy peace that I need to heal

And yet another lesson is — look up

Oh and

I used the Crystal yesterday

When I slept it was with me

And I wrote om on my tummy with it

This morning when I reiki myself

I used it again and felt its immense power

I began to draw circles starting small and from the navel outwards

Then bigger and bigger ones and still felt it’s pull and energy

How amazing!

And now as I finish writing this sentence

I know I m creating a safe bubble of space here that is supported for myself

Realising Me ix

Realising Me ix

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As I carried these bags I want to go back to the times I carried the heaviest things and did not feel anything

The weight of my father’s debt

The family’s survival

My new work and it’s demands

My siblings

Being mother or anchor to my family

My own life

I actually want to go back. Ha

I want to go back —— to offer lovingly, sunshine, wind, rain light to that girl who has hardened up and chose to take everything on, out of love and responsibility for the family —— and yet, is angry at herself

I want these elements of nature to support her heal her listen to her caress her love her hug her 

And I saw her hold up her head and nod—- feeling more ready and supported ——- even if the burdens are still the same.

She knows she is supported greatly

And as I m typing this in this bus, I saw a globe of orange

The sun on his way up

So magnificent I want to cry

So beautiful 

And I m here to witness it

And I have the chance of experiencing its power might and light ——— after all

I want to soak up all its goodness all the light all the wisdom it embodies

I want to gift it unto myself

And because of these little changes I have made to my life, everyday becomes a practice. And everyday you derive different understandings from the practice. Like a distillation of sorts.

And today I realized how important Stephan’s sharing is: On the part of Guan Yin

Having her and many versions of her on my navel- the symbolic significance is that I m a bodhisattva

Without being arrogant or prideful , this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are saying

Everyone is a Buddha

And CAN be a Buddha when we realize the essence of life 

Emptiness

And emptiness EVEN AFTER all experiences, pain, suffering, happiness, exhilaration

Or the willingness to become like an open empty vessel again

Finding peace with oneself with others with life

Remembering this, just knowing what Stephan said of the guan yin at the navel gave me a lot of power and strength

That I should use it to motivate myself to greater good

And never give in give up easily

To always seek out another way another way another way ——— there must be so many

That I m more and can be more than what it seems or I am now

It gave me a powerful shot of wisdom in an instant and can guide me to making all the big and little choices in life

Knowing that she is listening to me

Supporting me 

WITH ME

And makes me want to work harder to realize myself 

Like —— wanting to model after her and be a better tpy

Truly shiny truly peaceful and joyful at heart

914am on a swing Telok Ayer:

I just had a back bend yoga session

And in the midst of it

I actually felt like crying . Feels like things are surfacing

Pain and suffering actually.

Could have been the Heart Sutra Mantra or some gatte gatte prayer they played in the background as we went through the poses

The instructor is opening my body up and a terror really.

Now as I write, I know why! Well the force he is using to open me up in yoga poses, made me KNOW all the force I applied on myself and

I just teared up

I couldn’t and wouldn’t even know how much a terror I was onto myself until now

But in the session, I want to open up and I did, amidst all the pain

It was a nice experience feeling yourself being lifted and pivoting on the navel

How much support has it given me all the while without me realizing 

It’s terrifying to do an inversion even if you are on the ground and you are just bringing yourself backwards

I feel like I m only supported by my head and I m not balanced and any other movement will have me break my neck

I tried to look into the instructor’s eyes and to find trust 

I couldn’t bring myself to

And I kept asking him to put me down 

Bring me back

I say I m falling and he says no: “You are just afraid”

And I remember Stephan say, “do not be afraid, have no fear”

Then my thoughts drifted to yesterday, I have let some crockery to dry on the stove and my husband got so mad he said stupidity comes out of this.

He had told me that water not be put on the stove, because in fengshui, water and fire should not clash.

But what’s the big fat problem with leaving some dishes to dry on the stove?

I tried to explain that I have always let the dishes dry and in an hour or so after being air fried by wind, I would put them on the dish rack

He refused to listen and said, stupidity comes out of this.

I think my tears were coming out of every single body part, but I cannot let them out at that instant. Why? My kids are with me. Huaihao is close by. Can I let my temper out like he did?

I choose not to.

I acknowledged my anger and later I knew, they were not just anger but hurt.

I m disappointed beyond words

Yes it was a moment of anger no doubt on his end but you do not do this loving and appreciating and respecting a person

And what do I do?

My divine, what do I do?

I went to him to ask for an apology. Then the next day, I lashed back at him.

I did not disrespect him even if he was smoking, not a graduate, a poor man then. I turned his life around. He quit smoking, I got him a proper job I changed his diet. I gave him a lot of love.

In fact I had full respect for him.

And even if at home he did things that appeared not sensible to me, I did not say he is stupid.

And after doing so much for the family, for him, I got heartache in return and a lot of it.

How much hurt have I experienced ? Is it not enough? And what made me most angry is that I always fall into this after healing , or after achieving some sense of peace and balance. Feels like all of my effort is thwarted in a flash.

I did not come into a relationship for hurt.

I decided to reiki myself on the swing

I said the gokai

And today it’s meaning is yet a bit more different

Just for today

I do not angry— it also means finding other ways out other than being angry

It means you can explore because angry is only one possibility and

I know I can do more

I do not worry

—— what are the other things I can do, they are many things I can do besides worry , such as yoga reiki meditation breathe

I m grateful

——- being able to sit here and having these thoughts 

I thought of HuaiHao and the pinky love

I always told him to send it out should he sense someone in need

I thought I needed that v much now to envelop myself with this 

I ask the divine to nourish me comfort me

And then I saw a cockerel  

Is that the divine?

I take it as so because it brought a smile onto my smile

I ask it to come close if it is and I closed my eyes 

I think I m heartbroken

I felt the pain 

How can love once so sweet turn into this ?

Too hurtful

Then I heard a pecking 

And there it is just next to me

The cockerel! As if to offer me some companionship

And I felt like vomiting 

So many things crowded at the chest area

Wanting to come out 

And I saw myself using the crystal like a pen on the cyst

I was doing self reiki, and thought, why not use the crystal and write om on my tummy?

There’s a space there and it’s calling out for love and nourishment 

I used the tip of the crystal like a pen, to fill the space with just this and the magic

Then I carried on walking.

When my soul is in need, it is always food that rescues me

It’s as if they are calling out to me and  I’ll just walk till I stop

Is it this stall?

I would linger in front of it

Not that my heart wills

This one 

These simple fare made by hawkers, by humble people rescued me

Most of all, a bowl of hot red bean soup boiled to tender softness with brown rice and peanut. With every scoop you could smell fragrance of the brown rice and it brought me back to the time I was a young child and nanny would cook brown rice porridge for me.

Soft textures have a lot in there . Maybe that is why I am so drawn to them.

Soft textures require a lot of work, thought, technique, experience, emotion, love and above all, strength to execute

Strength to restrain and to be less to be more.

It’s inspiring to me because I m learning to be strong sure balanced yet soft. I have no wish to harden up or be jaded and allow myself to be let down by disappointments in life by people——- who may lack the wisdom and acted in the ways they did

I am going to continue on my path to cultivate myself and use these as exercises for me to flex my muscles ——- at being soft

Realising Me viii

Realising Me viii

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It seemed like I have been feeling the weight of the past or was it the time of the month that made it more indigestible? 

I was craving for time for myself to have the space for myself to reiki

And I discovered how the bath can be such an important ritual for not just the body——-but the mind as well

And today the sunlit water worked really well for me!

I used it not just on my abdomen and front but invited its work and magic on my face my back my shoulders my legs as well

The pain in my left shoulder is getting at me

What was it trying to say?

Too heavy PY and all along too much to do!

It needed to feel happiness !

So joy came to mind and afterwards I used this essential oil on my shoulders

Then I saw how the sunlit water came down on my body my tummy area my abdomen

The water was cleaning my navel just like how water would work on terrain or a pot hole and the soil would be circling the hole before being washed out

Gently hitting the body the sunlit water was and delivering light to it

And I thought again- might this be sparks Stephan said he saw?

If so, he could be seeing cleansing ?

And if these r what he saw, I must be pretty beautiful inside

Because otherwise I wouldn’t see this myself

These beautiful sparks are showing my beautiful inside. And if I can find beauty and appreciation for these sparks of sunlit water, why can’t I find appreciation and recognition for my good self? My inside?

Like my keloid area — if it’s like that on the outside , the inner correspondent area certainly needed more work on

And I was asking my self

  • what is the cyst trying to tell me?

The little bruise I got on my left hand enlightened me and told me I am delicate and I have been using too much force on myself

Forcing things on myself forcefully and not listening enough to my capabilities and giving consideration to my body

I learn to slowly heal it using lavender and smearing it anticlockwise 

Now it’s gone 

And it’s giving me confidence to work at myself 

So scarring can be undone

I asked myself what is it that the cyst is implying?

In the shower, because of the angle at which the sun’s light came in, I saw a shadow of how my body was on the wall and I could see the cyst

It’s encroaching into my belly button taking up space

If I bent myself backwards more, the cyst came out more

Besides a tensing up or toughening of myself to fight realities it is saying ——- space

I love the space I m giving myself now

And Space is inside there

I needed space, and its creating space for itself.

Nothing else

It’s about creating space for myself

Space to hear my thoughts my emotions my needs space to hear out tpy

It’s giving priority and consideration to tpy

So for once I m able to see it as helping me

And yesterday while doing raindrop for QinZhi , I was chanting the Chenrigze mantra and for a while it seemed like it was reaching down all the way to me in different times and all those of me were reaching up in chanting

It’s a deep amazing release that happened so subtly yet I knew

And interestingly when I read the gokai today, I had a new way of approaching it

Gokai

Just for today I do not get angry

I do not worry

I m grateful 

I fulfill all my duties

And I m kind to others and to myself 

I invited all of my cells to take part and it feels like I m the leader leading it

So all the more important that I should keep my thoughts well

Then I had my meal with Stephan, he reminded me that :

The navel is the seat of all primal instincts 

“Your seat of trust. And at the navel, I saw many guan yin, the Tibetan , Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese and they are all there——- and here’s to say you are supported and they are there for you”

Stephan says now that he is saying it he’s realized it once more that I m made for something bigger 

“You have voluntarily come back because you have heard of the suffering ,  you have gone through it and experienced it for yourself and you will be able to help many people”

And he had to stop because he teared up

I still had no idea what this feels like or means to him

I shared with him how it feels like when the Dalai Lama is in the room and he says ,” you have it too! This thing”

“Learn to appreciate yourself value yourself. “

He said, “I saw for myself how it’s pinyen like a bowl is collecting all of the universe in . Everything is pin yen now at the centre of it”

I asked him what is the thing to do to heal?

He says, “ have no fear.”

“You have no idea what power you have because you intend and want. The ability to translate your heart’s desire/dream to reality. You have that power.

Trust yourself

Believe yourself

Value yourself

Have no fear”

We spoke about invoking our guardian angels

To invoke – isn’t exactly saying please

It’s more “ come here and help me”

They are all there and for you

I had to check its meaning again 

Invoke- 

to requesthelp from someone, especially a god, when you want to improve a situation

Cambridge dictionary 

: to call forth by incantation : CONJURE

: to make an earnest request for : SOLICIT

: to put into effect or operation : IMPLEMENT

: BRING ABOUT, CAUSE

Merriam Webster

I asked Stephan if he heard anything from the cyst and he told me about the guan yin he saw and the guan yin mantra he heard

He says- you should embrace the cyst because it is part of you

Easier said than done but I could see it.

It’s part of my body and more so 

My experiences gave it to me

My lineage and my history gave it to me

And so it means to embrace my lineage my experiences 

It means accepting and acceptance 

Of the big and little things in life

Learning to not change it to suit me and myself or needs

Which could have been distorted or learned

Stephan kindly said he will work on the cyst the pancreas ( which is where fear and grieve or sadness is) the keloid and I will work on the rest

I am thankful

Why would someone I just met, and who have listened to my journey offer this kindness?

It seemed unbelievable.

And this in itself is magic.

Can my story touch another one? When all it has is so much pain suffering repression of the self forcefulness and so filled with negativity? I wonder why!

And before he left, Stephan says again that I have all the tools all the wisdom all all all that I need and I will be helping people

I told him I had no inkling of what he is saying , are you sure?

And he says , he knows it will be

I do not see or understand his point but he says it is not common to see guan yin and so many of them in a session

We discussed if I should reach my children reiki and the answer is yes 

They have it they r open and is naturally intuitive 

He encourages me to continue to nurture HuaiHao and QinZhi the way I m doing 

And to process emotions for them

He asked me why I would do that? And I said , “ the last thing I want is for them to repeat. So with what I find out for myself I will grab e-v-e-r-y opportunity and faithfully use it to help them”

I asked him for a parting gift . And to reiki my oils and my crystal

“You will heal if you will”

Stephan says that I m reprogramming myself 

Exploring alternatives and moving forward each and every other day 

I said to him my thanks, of him offering his presence to me, offering space supported guidance as I processed. And that I will work hard and look forward to the next reiki session with him.

It has been so powerful so intense, so much going on even if nothing was said.

That divine greatness.