Tag: Healing

Realising Me xviii

Realising Me xviii

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Today in my self reiki session, the nerve or ligament or vein at my right neck was vibrating for like 30sec , it just kept on. Is this a muscle spasm or energy going through?

I tried to find out by experiment

So I said, now , lets work on the left shoulder, and i felt energy go there, then keloid! then cyst!

And felt for myself how the mind-body connection works.

I breathed in fresh air, light to these parts and I remembered what I wrote down: “can i love myself like how I do to my kids?”

I felt for myself what it is like to smile love at these parts, the keloids at my chest, the cyst , the big keloid

I most closely associate the keloid at my chest with the memory of the time I got back from nanny’s into my own home, that period when dad was going through or has gone through surgery, memory of visiting him at the hospital, memory of us moving out of our cosy home to ah ma’s home with my aunties and uncles, that time mommy was pregnant with brother

the feeling of uprootedness , totally unearthed and lifted off the ground

At nanny’s I was shielded and protected all the while and to the max, they cherished me like their own ———even till today

come to think of it, the keloids took note of this uprooting event, the first in my life

I find myself putting my consciousness there and breathing it, thanking it, “its been hard on you! thank you for the inspiration” and i visualised my chest without the keloids.

This keloid has been with me since primary 3, 

You can go now as I have heard you

Then the big keloid,

The memory I most closely associate it, is in my teens, when my family is uprooted yet again

 Dad left, that was major

Then Mom, that was catastrophic

Totally uprooted from earth and thrown into the universe dont know where

Then departures of uncle and auntie

That was shattering

My skin took note of these events in a way that was harsh even to itself too

The keloid has been shouldering this for like ten plus years, mom passed away in 2002 

Then the cyst

I find myself linking it to Qinzhi and her traumatic episodes of seizures

Then my relationship with my husband

Just thinking this, made my face tighten

I was conscious that my eyes felt different just coming to this point

What is it?

We made up but not really yet. 

I said I wanted a proper apology and a letter of reflection

There are still stuff that needs working and processing on

I think I was tired of it all, thoroughly disappointed that my expectations are still not met, feeling like the leopard never changes its spots, yet wanting so much to spurn change in my marriage

Deep down, I guess I still wanted to make it work 

I was angry yes and still is, that things came this way and frustrated that he didnt know how to appreciate me

So angry

Then I sent light and air there and saw how these are dispersing the cyst

What is it I want?

I want the love like we started. When I was cherished like a pearl on an oyster

These parts recorded the most important events of my life.

I also asked the divine to give me all the love and light i need to embrace the past and future and energy to work on the present

Today when I showered I changed one thing, instead of asking the water to cleanse me of all that doesnt support me

I asked it to give me all the healing, all the energy, all the light all the cleansing that I need

And of late, I have been using visualisation

Visualising the big keloid gone and the skin totally baby like

and I could see my navel in full again

then the keloids at my chest—gone

These few days, Huaihao wanted my full attention and was telling me about his lego creations and I asked him how he does it?

He says its imagination 

So I get reminded to work my visualisation.

Teachings from Covid 19

Teachings from Covid 19

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I find myself reflecting a bit more about the current pandemic.

I think because I have been on the right path, whether it be keeping myself my mind, or diet. I did not feel excessive fear or anxiety, I was slightly still balanced.

But seeing how businesses industries and lives have crumbled called me to think again. What does this episode in humanity really mean or want me to do?

  • Reverence for nature, tuning into it and cocreating with it
  • Go inside : With cities and countries slowing down activities, flights grounding, schools stopping, people are going home. Lots of people in dense populated cities stay out more due to the small spaces trey live in. They spend a good time outside of their homes, eat outside, work outside. This action of coming in works both ways, its going back to the home front for our daily activities and its also going back to our home in the body, our mind our hearts our soul. Is it any coincidence that I am unravelling so much of my life ‘s experiences now? Not so
  • Live on what you need : With resources tightening and importation and logistical difficulties, when I used to be more generous cooking, I made sure I did what is adequate now or slightly less than what I think is sufficient. To cut wastage and also to ensure that we eat just what is required, use what is required and there is no wastage. Seeing stores that have empty shelves is impactful and seeing people working to replenish is even more impactful. I m grateful to have my organic vegetables and even more that my family can still eat well. A broccoli 🥦 means more now.
  • Not taking for granted and appreciating what we have
  • Responsibility as a citizen of my country and a citizen of the world: I did not feel any strong sense of connection to my homeland unless it was national day and I would feel slightly more as a kid when we celebrated in school. But not so much as an adult. But grounding as Mr Ng has shared with me, is something important to feel. Its about presence and rooting and thats where you can branch out and fan out. We become slightly more sensitive to people around us as we reinspect socially responsible behaviours and what isnt. Then at a broader level, recognising how these actions affect the world and the earth as cross borders movements come to a standstill .
  • How can we help: My involvement in efforts to support the local food industry made me realise that I can still give and offer effort. Even if I m not actively working now. So it’s not about positions. It’s willingness. And being involved in it made my heart beat. I liked that a lot, I havent felt that for a long time. Its that warmth and excitement, and wanting to put in more, cant wait to get this done feeling.
  • Open mindedness Flexibility and Thinking Out of the Box: What else can we do?Like Singapore’s just announced that taxi drivers can now take the role of delivery. Everything is possible when we have open mindedness and willingness. Rules are meant to be broken.
  • Connectedness: all borders seem to have faded into nothingness as we find ourselves more or less connected in our experiences now. We used to know that what we do have impacts on others, we dont see it then but see it now
  • Connections: Connectedness and helping people simply with what connections we have amassed, using these connections beneficially such as by moving people around to reduce losses and help areas which need most
  • Never Give Up: I m already thinking of how to ride the curve when we go upwards. How much more we can do when we recover.
  • Ride the Flow: Mental balancing to keep pace and be on the flow
  • Intuition: After all, it is not rules or advice from authorities in any way that will help us most, but that we need to rely most on our intuitive good self to feel the way and to find a way out for ourselves, our family our greater society or community.
  • New norms: Like a cleaner, the pandemic is cleaning out systems mindsets, practices, habits that does not work for nature and for society and is telling humanity exactly this. What doesnt work will have to make way as we evolve and for greater good.
  • Lets try and get a go at this.

Together, we are better.

Left Hand

Left Hand

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I accidentally hurt my right hand. But it brought me some new things.

Because I tried not to use my right hand, I tried to use more——my left hand. Thankfully God made a pair! And as I went about my daily activities with more engagement with my left, hanging clothes, or just pegging them to the hangar or raising the hangars to the clothes bar———allowed me to use parts of my body that I didnt use as often, or parts or cells I neglected because I always lived out of habit.

It felt like a little revival of sorts or maybe, waking up my potentials , the point was——I always had them but did not utilise them.

I felt like I was getting introduced again and discovering what I have.

And while I showered, I engaged my left hand more, using this left hand to do what I always did with my right hand.

There’s a lot of learning in there. Like when I exerted more strength or “hardened up”, I could feel it because I wasnt in my habitual mode. When in habit, its so much harder to recognise or pick out things. But when we are out of the habitual zone, whether by force or by will, we actually find out so much more. 

About ourselves and others.

And I thought about the practice of transformation or the learning I have had the privilege to receive learning from Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche , Tsoknyi Rinpoche.

Its about transforming. Turning pain or poison into beauty.

Its about working with the subtle mind and the tapping into the powers we have, and using it to change the nature of our experiences.

There’s beauty in here.

Like learning to find a way out. Learning to look for possibilities. And in that it means, a never give up spirit.

Like the mind naturally automatically finds the left hand to support.

I think I have sort of, inhabited the practice, skipped the step of telling myself to transform and worked with my mind to using my left hand.

Well done TPY.

Listen

Listen

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In the course of my profession, I have had the chance to listen more than I have spoken.

Talented individuals, with their stories always offered their inspirations, experiences, learning with me.

All I had to do, was to listen with my heart and to ask questions whenever I wanted.

And I am finding it slightly amusing that I didnt really listen to myself all the while —-whilst listening to so many others.

Yesterday, Teacher sent me a message,

“I’m so extremly proud of you and how your bold and brave work through layers, discover, recognise and understand your self. Putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to see the true picture of how magnificent you are! And not only because, but also despite of the past.

You know it is not important what I and others say, the only thing that matters is what you and your heart tells you. And I see you have found the way to listen and understand your heart. And your great teacher and angels Huaihao and Qinzhi on yourside have an amazing clarity in supporting and guiding you.

You are truely blessed!

After reading your entry this morning, I was so elevated and as I looked out of the window there was a very strange but wonderful light I have not seen before, from the sun breaking through the woods. A moment of magic!”

“Found the way to listen and understand your heart” called out to me, but I didnt make much out of it.

But now that I m putting down my thoughts, I sort of understand this better.

Like in the earlier self reiki session, it was a lot of looking inwardly to check on and hear each part of me. My internal voices.

Recent experiences of lashing it out and going though inflammation and bodily reactions tell me——-If these internal voices are not expressed, they will emerge through somehow, somewhere. And always, out of the body.

Why? They want to be heard

I ask myself now, if I can just apply how and what I do, to my interview subject—-to myself?

Apply the listening to myself? Just how much I would have been better off than now?

I tried to recollect-How did I do that listening?

And how do I do it to myself now? Outside of the reiki sessions.

Teacher gave some tips.

“The very first thought that comes to your mind is from your heart and intuition! The second thought is when you start to analyse…is it possible, is it my imagination, does it make sense?

The first, the very first thought feeling, Image… is what you should follow”

And I told Teacher I will work on this using what daily life presents me with! and experiment and cultivate.

I want to experiment with this.

I think it is too wonderful to be able to redefine, or inspect what listening means or how listening can be.

Like a fresh start off point.

No wonder I love it, when Teacher puts his hands on my ears. That was where I felt the most intense emotions and associations of love and support.

I cant wait to experience this again.

Interestingly, this morning, when I put my hands on my cheeks, Huaihao asked me to shift them to my ears.

He just said, “this isnt where your ears are”

So, LISTEN.

Realising Me xvii

Realising Me xvii

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The self reiki session today is a v powerful one.

I normally start with the gokai. Then breath work, which is what I learnt in my kundalini yoga class, 32 breaths, from the root to the crown then down to the root.  Normally, halfway through, I would already feel the grounding settling effect of the breath.

You just feel like you have gone deeper

The very awareness of it takes you out of the depth then you go back to breathing again.

Now as I collect these thoughts, I felt like I have some experiences of an accomplished meditation exercise before, not in this time. Maybe elsewhere. I have sat down and experienced this peace and calm before.

Back to breath work,

Somewhere along the 30 ish counts, my tears just came.

I could already feel energy, some higher power or what you call, the divine.

So you are all here?!

Now I know.

“But we have always been with you”

I felt the body pumped with stronger slow flowing energy, I felt the fullness at heart, brimming over.

I still cant see them, but their presence sort of could be felt, a happy bunch of all different, angels, bodhisattvas, gurus, and I felt like each one was taking over each part of my body to contribute healing. 

“I want my keloids to be healed completely.” And one of them went over.

“I want to see my beautiful navel again” (Because the cyst has encroached into some space of the navel) And one smiled and rushed over to attend

“I want to see the big keloid dissolve into nothingness, I want to see the original skin like how it was at the pelvic area” And someone took over.

I just lie there and observed, I couldnt do anything as work is being done coming through my limbs my abdomen, my legs.

I asked the divine to be there with us, to let this energy of goodness touch every single being on earth, all of the insects and birds, animals and beasts, in the water world in the atmosphere, an for all sentient beings to experience its wonder.

And I want to express its wonder and magic.

Then almost as suddenly, I recalled the child’s cry yesterday. One of the flats above me, a father was in rage, demanding to know some truth from the child. “Where did you get the money?” And the child was crying out, ‘I didnt do it, I didnt do it’

My heart cried out in pain as well. Can’t there be another way?

Because of all the hurt I felt, may all families parents, couples and children not have to go through anything like this at all.

Then I started to process some things. 

The reiki session to me is like an inner work session, I observe and things sometimes pop up, then I take the chance to rewire and reprogram, with what little awareness and wisdom I have, and I cocreate with what is available on hand.

Like the sun was shining on me as I lay on the bed, so I asked the sun for help.

I was back again in my old house at the kitchen next to the dining table. Mommy sat on a chair backed by a wall and I was standing infront of her. In Primary 2 I was and I got 7th in position in class, when I was in Primary 1, I was top of the class.

Mommy chided me for slipping, she said daddy worked so hard for the family, and had to drive a taxi at night so I could have piano and ballet lessons.

She said that I had taken things for granted.

It was all so emotional and I am sure in that moment, the child in me made a decision to be the best whatever I did

That pushed me all the way so I always excelled.

But this morning, intuitively, I blew wind , huffed and puffed at that girl who had her head down infront of mommy.

What if I felt mommy and could emphathise without making those decisions that drove me into programs me later on?

Now I know, mommy wanted to be heard too! She’s got a love for dad and don’t want him to be worked so hard. She might not really be chiding me. But I interpreted it that way.

I saw the girl’s hair fluff up and her relief and smile.

I felt ready to attempt at another and I saw myself infront of the bed where my father lay after his spinal operation. I saw the blanket again. But intuitively, I blew away her fear, I saw her hair fly up in a whiff. And it felt better all of a sudden.

Then time went to seeing my father in my old house.

He converted the storeroom into a study room so he could do his stuff

It was stuffy because there are no windows, there’s a certain smell  the sum total of the furniture, the stationery, the yellow background black polka dot plastic dustbin 

Just this morning, I realised I have sensed my father doesnt work like any other father—— at a young age

He has a funny occupation

When I was bigger, and when we shifted house, sometimes father worked in his room, I would use his desk to do my homework and revised for my exams, so ah ha I must have picked up all his feelings along the way

Then I remember him also, in another room, he would switch the air con on, and a light but the room would be slightly dark

What was he doing?

I sensed that is was something that needs to be hidden, 

something that cannot be exposed to light

I guessed I worried for him and feared for him, is something going to happen to him? Then what do we do?

There’s also a sense of righteousness in the child in me, that what he is pursuing might not be correct.

There’s a guilt of knowing something but having to hide it because that is father

And a sense of shame that there is something not so right somewhere and why is he doing it. But what can I do? He’s doing it for the livelihood of the family

What a struggle that has been for my young age that young girl?

So this morning, just this morning, I discovered and uncovered this other layer of fear that I didnt know I had carried with me and that of survival instincts I experienced as I kid. The guilt and shame.

Wow.

What a lot of work in there.

I pictured myself in front of me and I want to blow away all of these emotions which have been unconsciously stored into my body,

I blew at my head and saw it move front and back

I blew at my heart 

my front torso, my abdomen, my pelvic area my legs 

Felt like something was thwarted and released.

Then I continued to lay and observe whatever was happening.

Energy continued to work on me.

And I just lay like a handphone on a charger stand, I couldnt really move

Lots of energy coming through into my body through my neck and downwards

I didnt even use my hands today

I just observed

Then playfully and experimentally, I held my hands above my tummy, just wanting to feel the energy and I saw my hands moving further away then away from my body, as if finding out where that ends…

I kept still for a while longer then said my thanks before using my crystal .

I wrote om on my keloid and tummy area.

What a discovery! And, history has it all. All the answers and the information or inspirations to let us step forward.

Go back to go forward

Beauty

Beauty

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The sun rose in this spectacular fashion today and the sky collaborated and displayed colour that opened up the senses.

It makes you want to linger for a while more here at the window

I havent had this sense of abiding calmness in me for a long time. Like a gentle flowing stream.

Even Huaihao saw it. He said, “Wow, look at the sky”

I m so glad he saw it.

Not just seeing the sky but the beauty of it. It means that he is able to find beauty already in the dailyness of life. 

And as I lingered, I asked the body to breathe in all the beauty, right into my cells so that each and every single one receives this beauty.

Beauty can comfort, can address, can deliver can heal.

And I hear a voice saying, I want my eyes to see beauty like this everyday, my ears to hear this beauty everyday, myself to experience beauty everyday, to make beauty for myself and for others.

Beautiful moments that can touch you in a flash, renew refresh and rejuvenate you, and lets you get a go again, lets you have energy to do it again.

I am ready to receive healing from the 90 year old lady.

Sound

Sound

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I find myself investigating into sounds of late.

First a crystal bowl mediation class —my first one, where I picked up an oracle card—-my first one actually—– saying “Earthed”

Then a Gong class where I reconnected with an old friend.

Today, I went for a crystal bowl sound bath , the title of the class says “to open the heart”.

Well, I need that, just open my heart big enough for me to feel like I can receive gracefully the reiki or whatever I need.

The spot I chose had a high ceiling and lots of space above me . There was a window that lets light in

The facilitator added in the gong.

The beginning of the class was good. I went deeper on the inside —didnt really know where I went, but then the intense gong brought me and my thinking mind back. Thereafter , it was more of witnessing the energies and vibrations of the sounds and the places in my body they found resonance in

And coming out from it, I find a renewed sense of readiness or calmness to get another go at myself.

As I was about to leave I saw a pack of cards. It says “you are the Oracle”

I picked one out of the stack. This one .

Things are changing at a cellular level. Deep healing. Wow

How can this be coincidence?

The book shares a deeper interpretation

When the facilitator brought the crystal bowl or gong to each of us, i felt my hair move.

In any case, I emerge from class feeling lighter, I wonder how the sounds do it.

But I intended before class, to feel unconditional love and healing. Want to explore more of this.

Vulnerability x Strength

Vulnerability x Strength

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I found a pimple in my gum next to my teeth that has blood inside.

It just came up yesterday and I am once reminded of teacher’s words——how emotions are wanting to and raging their way out of the shell.

OMG more intense emotions? What else is there I asked myself?

Anger, at how things have become, how much time I have wasted being unconscious or how I havent been able to steer myself away from these all

I havent known that I m angry with myself until of late. What a discovery.

Then my old self accustomed to fear pops up—- I become afraid, what’s the harm or damage I do to myself? How else do I want to hurt myself ? Isnt it enough?

Yes, there’s anger and fear in there, in this cycle.

How do I release them?

I watched a programme “Beyond Beliefs” by GAIA. And they were talking about how thoughts are things and that if we change our thoughts we change our mind.

There was one part which talked about just observing thoughts without judgement.

I am learning to allow them space without judging

I want to try this out and see how it goes


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I was in my infra red sauna this morning but I couldn’t really stay still, too many thoughts coming through

I asked the heat to melt away all of my defences, my pretences, my fronts, my shield

I thought about vulnerability 

And I recall how, recently I have been engaged in these things that show up inner beauty.

Like the feet polish that revealed the baby soft skins inside that I wouldn’t know I have

I saw my feet again yesterday and touched the part where the dead skin has been removed.

Its still pretty soft and I am amazed.

In about this instant, I understand that I actually didnt believe softness could have been there. After all the support and walking?

I was looking for harder skin really. I didnt believed softness could be had

Why didnt I believe?

My upbringing, my experiences, helped me not believe.

My father was soft, he didnt know how to stand up for himself, he was always at a losing end, biting the bullets and has chosen to take it all even if its to his disadvantage and he would say:”what other way is there?”

In a pessimistic way.

He showed me softness didnt work, being nice didnt work because he would have to suck up all the shit while other people benefited from his giving way

My mother too was soft, so much softer and she was suffering a lot too. They both didnt know how to stand up for themselves.

They felt lost and disappointment a lot of times in life, but humble people they are, and they knew not another way—but to be soft and nice

Me too in a way, I picked these behavioural patterns along the way. Like them, I believed in softness, I believed ultimately in goodness and I wanted to show that goodness will prevail and my parents were right

SO I was always nice

I have my fair share of people who appreciate goodness and a bigger share of people who take advantage 

I was angry and disappointed——like my parents each time people took advantage of me

But still I choose to be soft—— like my parents. Even if realities show that softness wouldn’t land you in good stead.

I believe in persevering in all goodness and kindness but realities are challenging.

And Life’s experiences seem to want to put us to test. Wanting to test how committed we are to this ? There are times people are hard or choose to be unkind. 

And I have unwittingly learnt to take it negatively and put up stronger defences, bold fronts, all the strength I could draw from each cell to be me to shoulder 

I have become that strong woman with a vulnerable fragile softness inside.

Yet I had models like ah ma, like mom, or my husband’s mother, who all braved storms for their family 

I can be like them

and I did what they did in a way, having the family ’s interests above me

But what if I continued to be this softness without being disappointed. Displaying true softness and kindness—— unconditionally?

But they didnt eat the beautiful spring flowers I ate.

The spring flowers are not exactly big, tender and fragile as well and—– bitter

I wonder why?

Now I know

They take so much strength to grow out of winter into spring, so much might and strength in that softness. Can there be sweetness after using all this force?

SO I can be bitter. Why not? Just be what it feels like. 

I remember each time I saw blooms, I get inspired by the reminders they show, just by opening up to the world, no matter how short lived their bloom can be

They encouraged me to open up to bloom to be the best I can be

I always touched the petals of flowers

tender, fragile, vulnerable?

Yes but Maybe not.

SO much strength in insisting to be genuinely soft when the easy way out could be just hardening up

I thought of myself a few days ago

When I feel devoid of battery

In a flash, now I know, that’s the real me.

That is the real me without my defences , pretences, fronts, shield

oh Hello! Nice to see you———- after so long.

Receiving

Receiving

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Vs Giving.

Receiving seems to be more difficult for me.

Amusing? But it’s true.

Isn’t it just take?

I wished!

I don’t really know what to do to receive. Just just not open enough to it.

Yesterday Teacher texted me to say, “one of my very experienced Reiki practioner here in Switzerland, she will be 90 years old this year, and she would be very glad to support you with distance healing Reiki. Would you agree to it?

She has had a difficult live, had to marry before twenty, as her father died and to run a business and support the family, had her own family of 3 children, and take care of her husband as he got ill and blind, keeping business and family together. There was no space for herself, she had to function and be operational, that was the expectations on her from all. And it was not until she was in her mid 70’ies that she could start to think of herself. Despite been frail and living alone, she has energy and zest for live and would be thrilled to send you Reiki.

If yes could you send me a picture  of you , so she could focus exclusively on you every day. 

What do you think?”

I replied, “What a journey this lady has! Energy and zest! Do you have a picture of her too? What drives her? She’s a living inspiration. And why did she want to reiki me? I haven’t even met her!

I don’t know how to do long distance healing. But I can send pinky love! Thank you for making the connection! Now I have one more angel 😇”

How did this lady do it?

After this all? If I can peek into her heart!

It must be SO much deep gratitude and loving life. Total acceptance. Big heartedness. That I do not know yet

Then teacher said, “You do not have to do or give anything. 

Just lay back and enjoy.

Can you do that?”

When I saw “You do not have to do or give anything.”

It lands directly at my heart.

I always had to do many things, I always had so many things to do ——for others first. I always had to do so many things to get the things I want. Things that come my way are hard earned. This is my experience.

Is there any other way ? Maybe! 

So do I really not have to do anything? 

Just like when Teacher told me he would reiki me from afar, or how he’s been looking after me from afar. As much as I m grateful, I cannot understand how it feels like. Why would he even do it? Why does he want to do this? How long has he known me? What good can he have out of this?

Possibly nothing so why does he even commit?

Now looking at this lady who is offering kindness from afar, I am reminded of what he says, “ I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

And this “But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally.”

Have I had this “ i cannot let you…” feeling before?

What is unconditional? I wanted to taste it. Feel it.

Have I experienced it?

Yes. 

Love from my nanny, we moved in with my nanny who took care of me till 7, right after mom’s passing.

My nanny gave me shelter

And always, family home cooked food and soup that went right into my heart to warm me.

Soup that rescued my heart, my entire being, my soul even.

I m reminded of the conversation I had with Huaihao and Qinzhi a while ago.

One day at bedtime, I asked them, “is there someone you think, could take care of mommy, like how mommy takes care of you?”

They said “in the past it was popo yiyi”———- which is how they addressed my nanny  

I asked, “what about now?”

They couldn’t think of any

I take it that the universe heard this conversation. 😊

What is unconditional? How does unconditional feel to you?

Probably when I was very much in love with my then boyfriend and wanted to do everything I can for him.

I thought of my mother’s love for my father. I thought of ah ma’s giving for the tribe. Pretty unconditional I would say.

Can I not be unconditional like them? 

Pretty scary the way they do their unconditional thing.

But one other scene popped up- when Qinzhi collapsed in cedele that day, one couple came over to help. That was close to the unconditional feeling .

The readiness and willingness and graciousness to offer your very essence for another being in the time of need. Pretty close to unconditional I would say.

And now Teacher and this lady.

The one thing common—–this unconditional thing is powered by love and compassion.

Or—Is it like me and how I give my kids? Pressing myself and my priorities down?

There’s something in the way I do it that it doesnt feel like it.

When we do this Unconditional thing —can we do it with more awareness?it be nicer to the self while giving to others? 

One more question- have I unconditionally love myself cared for myself? If I haven’t , Can I do that or start doing that? Can I try to love myself the way I love my kids?

More importantly, why is is that I cant take this kind offer immediately?

I don’t seem open enough to kindness generally.

In fact I feel numb to it and I couldn’t reply teacher. What is stopping me? 

Don’t I need this? No! I absolutely needed it. I was crying out for help and I dont know where or when the help would come.! I m totally lost and dont know what to do.

Maybe this was exactly that I felt many times many years ago. I am glad I could vocalise this now.

And I still have a long way to go——-After all these circles, mental analysis and interpretations, drawing out every inch of energy trying to steer myself every day to the right path , I have not really vocalised my need to actively ask for help.

Like that day when I needed, I didnt say it, then Teacher texted me, n I told him, I tried to do it on my own.

And I am angry at myself for not reaching out. Not saying it out, again.

I realise I have been so angry with myself of late. For making all these choices I have. What exactly is stopping me from a breakthrough?

I think of Qinzhi, when she needs help she doesnt say it too. Until of late, she’s become pretty expressive. 

How did it happen? She’s transformed in a way. 

Just yesterday, she was asking me:”mommy, do you think I m talkative?”

She wouldn’t know how much it means to me to hear her talk. I love it so much I cannot be grateful enough now that she is talking like that.

This is another teacher who is teaching me. Maybe I should learn from Qinzhi.

Going back to the point of doing it by myself, life teaches me that in a way. To just try day after day again and again. If I falter, I would try again. 

I do not choose the easy way out even if there was at times.

Or when people defaulted, I just suck it up and didnt ask for help. I reinforced my capabilities to be by myself. I got disappointed And I hardened up more.

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing there was help?

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing how to open my mouth to get help? What silenced me?

What if I got disappointed but didn’t harden up?

I closed things off! Didn’t I? 

I blocked them away

And I remember each time people are nice to me, I felt indebted and I would do double and made sure I “paid” it back

But still angels came.

And when I saw Teacher ask “Can you do that?”

I couldn’t reply to this message. Until I FEEL I can.

How should I approach this? This time? I wanted to feel my way through

How to I asked myself? Can I take this? 

Was there a point in time when I was younger that someone took something that does not belong to them? Or did I?

Was there some fixation somewhere that I didn’t get past?

Did someone take things from me?

Or was it father’s feelings on not being able to deliver payment? He couldn’t pay, we were paying already and this was the best path to rescue all of us then. My then boyfriend and now husband proposed this and I had to propose that and dad —- has no choice but to agree

The next month, I didnt have to wipe out my salary. Even if once in a while, he would still ask me for money to pay other people outside of the bank.

Was it this I m stucked with?

His feeing of this guilt—even now of not paying up as much as he liked to? even if he wouldn’t want to, he feels there is no other choice. And so I couldn’t ask for help? 

Was it this indebtedness that is making me feel little and unworthy of anything good and what I do is just punishing myself? Damning myself to an end?

This is something new to me.

Dad is still paying whenever he can. Earning to pay his debts. Even if he felt there was no way he could ever pay it off this life.

We didn’t speak about this. And I didn’t realize this could have affected me in any way. I thought that was that.

I thought to leave dad to mind his own and that was it

Didn’t realize there was an emotional component that grew on me. Did i absorb his guilt? And feelings of unworthiness? Helplessness? 

He says even if it is hard even if he is broke he prefers it this way —to continue paying off bit by bit so it is easier on his conscience. It was a promise he made that he wants to fulfill.

He does not like to owe people and would rather choose to be hard on himself 

And now writing all this——What a powerful lesson!

He chose this way, as if to punish himself so maybe he could be more at peace.

Is there another way?

Was this why I needed to figure it all out?

I tried to understand this Teacher said, “can you do this”, I tried to feel for this at bedtime yesterday but I fell asleep

In the morning, I tried again. I really wanted to feel the acceptance before I replied.

And Huaihao was up earlier, so I told him and asked him, should I take this kindness from a lady 90 yr old and so far away?

And Huaihao says yes, because people are nice to you and you should take the kindness.

This little teacher says———– you do not need any reason. You do not have to think so much, Just be intuitive and be with the flow.

Or, you are good enough.

And strangely, yesterday I was pulled into a meeting with top players from SG’s food industry, everyone is banding together———TO ASK FOR HELP. Help from the government to HELP with rental and manpower issues so they can save jobs and keep the industry going through this crisis,

It was a ground up thing

Honestly I felt a bit out of sorts and blocked

I must be caught in between giving and receiving I didn’t know how to give and was half hearted 

But this morning I did a bit more and it felt good actually 

To not ask whether it will work but just do and give of whatever you can to support and push things in a direction that could help

I think the balance between giving and receiving has been tipped and I m reassessing my position with these

When I did my reiki in the morning, I heard myself say, yes. Lets do it. Lets just try it, try receiving.

The exact opposite of what I have been doing.

I know this is a biggest teaching in itself

Just stop giving, try opening up to receiving and see where it is taking me. thats’s a different road like Huaihao said,

Practise receiving———no wonder I do not know the divine is with me. 

What deep teaching this all has been. So much uncovering———- This receiving.

Aiyo!

From My Guardian Angel

From My Guardian Angel

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In my life, in my time of need, angels come to me.

Many times I do not know it! Like I asked Stephan, when he says, “they are all with you” because how would I know?

So apparently a spectrum of green lights!

But other times I know, like my art therapy teacher Yen, Mr Ng, and Teacher Stephan who have seen me through my worst when I am down. They offer their presence and to hear me draw, talk, shout , cry out my pain.

My teacher wrote me this very nice note, to capture points that could help me—–and, perhaps you.

We are living in different spaces, different time zones, different cultures, different realities, but perhaps, somewhere, someplace we are similar.

“Since I have seen how fast und deep your healing process worked, during the Reiki sessions, and how you continue to explore, question yourself, your past, present and future and so get to know yourself to become whole and in peace with yourself… I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

What I write you are just my perceptions, and I might be totally wrong. Please do tell me when you think I’m off the track. But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally. So here it goes…

Your fast healing process causes an overload of emotions, you feel so unstable and insecure inside, you fear you are cut off from your deepest self, but outwardly you try to hold yourself upright.

Fear is blocking your development. You are looking gloomy at yourself and your situation! Pain and grief overgrow your whole self. You feel your are not able to lead your life yourself; this fear, grief and resentments cause aggression, which you suppress, which you have suppressed for such a long time. There is no trust in yourself and life and you are afraid of falling , of crashing.

To all this you put up a brave and strong front. Pulling and pushing , set direction, keep the control and endure the pain… because you are so used to it, you had always to do it, because you had no other choice.

Let go of what is not really good for you; do not try to hold on.

Nothing you do not know already. Right?

Your healing, your wholeness is advancing super fast and intense. and so is also your awareness and clarity about yourself.
You have started to be loving and gentle with yourself, having your space and time of to feel safe and calm. This is the crucial part. And I am extremely happy about it, because it means you have broken already with the cycle.

Care for the little child, the girl in your being and give her security, warmth and affection, because only this love will bring peace and dispel fears. No longer let your feelings overwhelm you, but consciously take the girl, who had to suffer and endure so much, who had such a hart time by the hand.

You are good and precious: Do not stamp your true feelings and thoughts, your natural creativity into the ground.

Do not accumulate feelings, let them all flow freely ( even if they feel like lashing out, but why not?), do not feel obliged, but process your grief and throw all the ballast off your back and come to inner peace. Do not fight against life, but enjoy it. You and the girl, in you, have a right to joy and happiness. Don’t punish yourself, look at life in its nuances, which I read, you do every day and in a beautiful way.

Trust in your deep self, in your inner authority, which will always provide you with sustenance. A deep trust in the creative forces of nature, in the endless supply of energy ( Being Conscious, Love), to enable new growth in your life again and again. Trust your heart (the loving-kindness of the Divine, within you).
The life-giving energy of the universe; lay down safely in the womb of your warm nature.

So don’t be afraid and trust your heart!✨