Tag: Growing Up

9 Yrs 2 Mths

9 Yrs 2 Mths

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Huaihao has grown even more in this last month, no longer a little kid, he is rounder, taller, fuller, firmer. His vocabulary improved lots spewing out words such as hypothetically, logically, don’t beat around the bush and lots of others. He gave me lots of riddles and asked me about how the Titanic sank, telling me about the third moon of Mars.

Irregardless, every friday we spend a day at grandpa’s and ah yi’s for good food. Here’s one!

At first, the kids observed how ah yi made sourdough crackers, then they started making it too. Needless to say what fun and fulfilment , plus bonding too!

Ting Xie or spelling is nothing regular when its done the Huaihao way. He adds all these cute doodles alongside the words.

Weekends are spent walking by the beach in the sun, then grocery shopping with mom. This day, Huaihao saw a rolling pin that might work for ah yi at SCOOP!

We got a reservation at Summer Pavilion and its always good there! Huaihao’s appetite has grown tremendously and he loves the XO sauce too! The fried rice is da bomb and he continues to have it at home!

On another day, we headed out and let the the kids have MOS Burger. Then grocery as usual and here’s Huaihao picking out a watermelon.

On another evening, we had dinner at Blu Kouzina—greek and then walked back o the beach barefooted in dusk

I love how Huaihao always teases me and makes me feel happy. Recently he asked for spaghetti and would dream up his own pairings such as a runny egg with seaweed toppings or ebikho! Palate is good!

And here is one goodnight hug which the boy needs.

To address how his eyes twitches due to excessive iPad use, Huaihao stops every 30min (when dad is around) and looks out far for 15min. This really did help him lots!

Before the school holiday ended, Huaihao wanted sushi and we headed out for dinner

We took the opportunity to shop for a present for grandpa and got him a replacement water bottle. We are celebrating Gengyan jiujiu’s birthday too and the kids couldn’t find anything suitable. Then Huaihao asked dad: “what does a man need?” Hilarious when mommy heard this!

Then they wrapped up the present!

And we had an Israeli dinner

before the staycay with ah mei ah yi starts,

Bedtime with HuaiHao

And I asked him how he felt seeing me at the school gate waving ferociously at him welcoming him ? And he said, “ you are the brightest star in the night sky. I can see only you.”

I was like—- wow.

But what he said was the truth. I could see only him too.

He asked me a riddle. And told me he thought of it himself.

“A captain was on a ship and he said hi. What was the name of the ship? ”

And he said, “ What”

Haha.

Then he asked what if we could turn back time. Can we?

I asked where he wanted to go. And he said, “ Redhill because I grew up there. I kissed the floor you know.”

He did that beautifully when we were moving out

And if I felt cold, HuaiHao would get up and tuck me in bed, the way he did it, he would tuck the blanket below my body and it reminded me of the way the kids’ dad did it for my mom.

It was a great opportunity to release the pain or at least, the discomfort I felt in my chest. It took me a few days to get that kink sorted out, but now when Huaihao tucked me in, I made the effort to tell myself, Mom must have been happy to feel the care and that is a past long gone. So many things have changed and we have moved. And now I m not Mommy, and this is my son showing his love and care for me. Thankful for the opportunity to release this.

13 Years 1 Month

13 Years 1 Month

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This month Qinzhi did something really new and that was to go out alone with her friends. While we have our concerns such as how would she navigate the public without us—- she has never left our care—— but I am reminded that if she belongs to the same soul set as me, my mother, she is equally if not more capable and all she needed is trust and opportunities to realize —- our trust and her own.

It feels great to connect this way to my inner wisdom

On weekends, we try to get the kids to get some walking in the sun

This week at ah Mei ah yi’s , the kids had a go at making sourdough crackers using discard. And what fun they had!

And it happened that ah yi scored a reservation at Summer Pavilion and we had a chance to eat there!

And qinzhi has been using the phone quite a bit of late and so much that she’s admitting that she’s having difficulty stopping

One evening during the March holidays, we headed out to Siglap and had dinner. Then we walked home by the beach and planted our feet in the waters

One day, HuaiHao had the spur of an idea for me to cook a runny egg on spaghetti. The result turned out great and the kids loved this!

Before the holidays ended, we went out for a meal of sushi as the kids wanted

We took the opportunity to shop for grandpa’s presents as the kids would have liked. They chose the present – a water bottle and wrapped it before making a card and qinzhi said she would be secretly putting the present in grandpa’s bedroom at midnight

The kids also made a card for gengyan jiujiu

And we took the kids out for an Israeli dinner to mark the end of school holidays

And headed off to Ah mei Ah yi’s for a staycay

I am reminded that this seemingly ordinariness of life, is not at all ordinary but a collection and an infusion of blessings and divine love.

I am thankful and so blessed. I love, approve and accept myself and all around me. I understand that this is all perfect and in the highest good in this point in time and that I m a powerful creator capable of designing my own experiences.

Much love. Om!

Realising My Self (III) : With The Hub

Realising My Self (III) : With The Hub

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When its time, the hub, or bf comes along with me.

I had wanted Ron to coach the family unit on emotional intelligence, but he proposed that us as a couple come in first, the reason was that kids these days are so evolved and it wouldn’t take them long to see things.

But we as parents, might not be armed with adequate tools to support them.

Thankfully the hub or bf is open to this session.

I left it to the divine when I suggested this, I really just left it with the divine and spent no effort contesting this in any way.

He said yes.

Need I experiment anymore with manifestation? . And the idea was to hold the the thought so light. So light And leave it to up there.

And it came real fast.

We were in Ron’s office yesterday. And he explained to the hub what why and how.

We started with this powerful exercise, Ron asked me to vent my frustrations while getting the hub to hold the space at a certain frequency.

Amazingly, I found some difficulty at complaining as he moved down the list.

We did the experiment in reverse and it worked too. He just couldnt complain once I started to be in the higher mode of being.

And this made me understand that at a higher state of frequency, things which used to exist simply didn’t anymore. They simply cant (manifest) at a certain level up high.

Unless you bring yourself back to the low which the original problem exist.

This is really powerful learning.

“When you level up, your boss cannot even come near you. Problems cant come near. They simply don’t exist because you are at such a high.”

And can we theoretically hold ourselves at a continuous high?

“You got my answer right. For us to maintain equilibrium, just love your wife, your children. It is just like that, so how difficult is it? The thing is when you cut yourself off from them, you don’t feel empowered because you no longer stay in the frequency of love, or in the unlimited resources of we and everything spirals down. Stay in the connection with your wife both level up and that can hold the space for the kids for the family”

The beauty is that he managed to open up further and went on to sort out stories about his beliefs on money and how those beliefs have been wrongfully tied to events that have happened to him as a child.

He could see why he turned out the way he did and that all these belonged not to him!

More so, he could now see why he was so frustrated each time Huaihao cried or triggered him. And he could see that this all had nothing to do with Huaihao or the kids but all the limiting beliefs and stories he carried on himself and the child is just lighting the path for him.

This to me is priceless.

Going on to 13 Years

Going on to 13 Years

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Qinzhi said she cant believe she is going to be 13 in a matter of days and asked if I could? I tried for a second and said, not really. In my mind, I saw her just out of my tummy, Dr Soon just got her and the nurse placed her me and she started to suckle.

It was the first time I felt life-force coming out of a baby, so strong. It saved me from whatever I was in and gave me the strength each time I needed.

This afternoon I asked Qinzhi for some help. And she replied, “say something to your awesomely spectacular and super guai daughter”

I took the opportunity to say , “I love you to the ends of the universe and beyond eternity”

And I felt I have gone there and back.

That said, February got the kids all happy and excited because it is Chinese New Year. We bought some new clothes, cleaned the house and prepared the tidbit box. And Qinzhi had it all done so nicely. She helped me with the oranges too.

And before we knew, the even of Chinese New Year is upon us. Its the first time she is celebrating it in her new school with her new friends.

And we had our closest most precious come over for the Reunion Dinner.

When we had leftovers, Gengyan jiujiu played with Qinzhi and Huaihao scissors paper stone, whoever lost would have to pick up the leftover food. And this is the first time Qinzhi tried braised goose feet and oysters.

And before we knew it, we are in the Year of the Tiger. Qinzhi and Huaihao wished us Happy New Year with oranges in hand. And Daddy always placed angbaos below the kids’ pillows and they would have fun and joy picking out angbaos when they awake.

Then we headed to grandpa’s and ah hui ah yi’s where we had popiah and ngoh heong, curry and steamboat.

We continued visiting on the second day of Chinese New Year and Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jiejie prepared the same clothes for all to wear. And Qinzhi is so grown up she’s a lady now.

The biggest thing I learned in the last 2 months was that qinzhi me my mom and my grandmother and the lines of womenfolk up, we all belong to the same soul set. Which is to say, they are all me and I m all them. I m mommy and grandma and qinzhi

And so if I healed, all the women in the line healed.

And if I did not know how qinzhi would think, I could just ask how I thought. If I didn’t know how I felt, I could just rephrase the question and asked how would qinzhi feel or say.

That is how much we are alike.

And on the even of qinzhi ‘s birthday, I went shopping for steamboat items

Then headed home to prepare dinner and to wrap up qinzhi ‘s present

And daddy did too. He heard about qinzhi having to deal with stomach cramps during her period and went on to get this gift of an electric heat pad

Got Qinzhi a Le Matin strawberry shortcake composed of really beautiful layers but we were all baffled when it comes to eating this ! Most importantly, we had everyone dear to Qinzhi celebrating and singing her a birthday song

Then we headed o Marine Crescent and had steamboat. Gengyan jiujiu helped order a strawberry shortcake from Ami patisserie and collected it. The chef presented us with another burnt cheesecake with truffle !

And his is Qinzhi blessed by grandpa and all of us!

We headed home late and then Qinzhi had more presents to open up!

Happy birthday princess ! Continue to believe in yourself your dreams and your power. There is nothing you cannot do.

You are so loved!

Going on to 9 years

Going on to 9 years

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December seemed to be about school. Even if it was the holidays.

Probably because Qinzhi is going on secondary and Huaihao transferred. On 8 December, we received news of Huaihao’s application for school transfer and Huaihao got into a school just below our flat.

We headed back to Alexandra primary for a withdrawal from school form and then headed to Ngee Ann for a submission of this form for a formal acceptance

Then we got books and uniform for Huaihao. Even at this age, he seemed fearless and unbothered by the new. There was no sense of trepidation or attachment to the old.

I could learn from that

Then Christmas came. Huaihao asked if Santa Claus would know our new address. And if Santa was daddy.

And this year, Santa didn’t. It was one of the first year Santa didn’t come. I felt sad and went on spend a day out to find something for huaihao and QinZhi .

I walked till my feet ached and finally found something nice and what I thought huaihao would like. A pencil case he would need.

I planted the present in his cupboard and he discovered it.

And he came to me for a hug and said I was the one who bought him the presents

Why!

He said because he could identify the handwriting and when he came to me o acknowledged immediately and didn’t seem surprised about the present

As usual, gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jie jie bought huaihao and qinzhi presents and they got to choose. such was the love that came out in the form of Lego!

On Christmas Eve, qinzhi and Hao did a staycation at Ah Mei Ah Yi’s and got a Macdonald’s breakfast!

Bedtime with Huaihao and I asked him if I should go for the jab. He says, “ no, why are you putting nonsense into your body?”

And “why is the government not caring for the people? They are so rude because they don’t respect god’s gift—— every life is god’s gift”

Wow

I felt small beside him

On another night I was in such a low I was on the verge of tears

He caressed my face and said, “ it’s okay you don’t have to pretend. I can hear it I can hear you crying. You don’t have to bottle it .”

Wow

Otherwise, days better device time was spent on building and creating Lego on his bed that could transform. And telling me about his every creation. I was his only audience and now writing it. I felt like I needed to make him feel like I m the only audience but the biggest most important. Writing this made me feel like I need to give it my all when I listen to huaihao and his explanation of his creations each time.

One evening we took grandpa out for hot pot. We had so much fun because it’s what huaihao and qinzhi loves —- huaihao especially liked the Yuzu sorbet that comes after dinner. We had to take away some food because we couldn’t finish and that was where the fun was too!

This day I took huaihao out to get a doctor’s letter to arrive at support for non vaccine . It was great one on one time with huaihao and he wanted a fish burger. So we had one!

Last year, I started getting the kids to pen down their intentions for the new year . And here it is this year for huaihao . While this may not be the whole thing, I hope he gets into the groove of setting intentions and aligning himself to arriving

Then we walked, as usual to MBS. O

n the first day of school, we walked qinzhi to school then headed off for another walk with huaihao that ended at a mall.

Huaihao says that this year he wants to try his hand at getting top marks for spelling. He got down to practicing and get full marks he did! Huaihao said that there are only 2 students who got full marks and he is one . While getting full marks isn’t what we are after, we definitely want huaihao to know that some kind of effort has to be put in to arrive at a point he is after. There has to be some energy exchange

And this is huaihao coming back from school. On the first day of school, huaihao threw a tantrum and didn’t want school because the uniform we got was too big. He was crying and said that even I can fit into the uniform. He said in crying, “ you just want to save money! But I don’t look nice! People will look at me!”

He is actually spot on even if he is in the midst of crying. How sharp! We all wore uniforms that are bigger. And we had to bear with this bigger than us look. But huaihao wouldn’t buy this! He is teaching me something!

At the least, don’t repeat!

On Fridays, qinzhi has extra curricular activities and would be home late. I take huaihao out for lunch after school for some precious time with him . This time, we headed off to a new mall where huaihao had quesadilla! Then we did some shopping at the supermarket. Huaihao helped of course!

Typically after school, Huaihao would run to play at the fitness corner before we pop up

And one day before Huaihao’s birthday, ah mei ah yi brought huaihao to the movies to watch spiderman and the treat was complete with popcorn of course ! ANd the present gengyan jiu jiu brought, huaihao kept it till his birthday to open it.

And jie has prepared a present for you. So has dad. And mom wrote you a card.

On your birthday morning, you woke up and came to me as usual. That is bliss. That is beauty. Then you headed to your room and saw the card I wrote. You brought it over and read it to me. We kiss and that ——- is beauty.

Then you discovered the present daddy bought on my bed and was overjoyed. You read the card and unwrapped the presents in happiness

We headed out for lunch and you had some really refined Japanese food. We bought a cake at Tarte then headed to yiyi and popo’s to have the cake.

Everyone sang happy birthday and you were showered with love . Then yiyi cooked you Mee Sua nng or longevity noodles .

After that we headed over to grandpa’s. Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jie jie came over to wish you happy birthday then we had Italian food, as you asked for for dinner . Then we had another cookies and cream ice cream cake

Happy birthday you amazing boy! You precious one. May you be well and happy always!

12 Years 11 Months

12 Years 11 Months

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The holiday flew by in a blink and its time to prepare for school. And prepare we did , first by trimming the tresses. And Qinzhi is now more open to trimming and she actually liked the hairdo.

On Christmas eve, the kids popped over for a staycay at ah mei ah yi’s , did a supper time movie and had McDonald’s the next day for breakfast.

And Mommy spent the day looking for Xmas presents for qinzhi and huaihao, then the kids harvested more presents after a staycay at popo and yiyi’s

The next thing we did was head over to Tenjin for some tempura

We also did our usual walk

This is Qinzhi playing with bubbles out of our window

Before school started, we had a chance to head out and treated Qinzhi to food and drinks she wanted.

We came to know that Qinzhi has been posted to St Anthony’s but did an appeal. Qinzhi was extremely happy to know that she’s got posted to a girl’s school. She was jumping up with joy. And when the news came in that our appeal was successful , this girl was indeed overjoyed she cried! Mommy quickly came over to hug Qinzhi and to share her joy. Her biggest dream come true. We headed to the school to get some admin work done, and then bought school uniforms and books.

I remember telling Qinzhi to remember this feeling, this feeling of being granted. Her wish, granted. And to carry this happiness this feeling of joy and thankfulness with her.

On the first day of school, Qinzhi woke up early. And she tied her ponytail up high. Love her new look! Her smile. It speaks of confidence and appreciation, gratitude. We all walked Qinzhi to school, then met her when she’s off school. And since then, Qinzhi has been waking up on her own for school, within 2 months, we saw how much Qinzhi evolved , from passive to active. She tells me that she is capable of doing lots, especially if she likes something. On us, it is on us to find out that something which powers her and keeps her energised.

And when I asked Qinzhi to capture her intentions for the new 2022, she wrote so clearly what she wanted.

Dearest Qinzhi, believe in yourself that you can achieve anything you want. All within your reach. Remember the magic of getting what you want. That feeling, cherish it! It is that which gives you more.

8 Yrs 11 Mths

8 Yrs 11 Mths

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The kids did a staycay at ah yi’s and got treated to supper of popcorn and Find Nemo! The next day, they walked and ah yi brought them to breakfast in a mall—after 3 months of not visiting malls due to covid restrictions.

We did our walks when dad is not working and then had breakfast of croissants and cruffins. We used to walk every weekend but these weekends during the holidays, the kids have been at ah yi and popo’s and been missing out on all this training. It’s no wonder that they left off and find it hard to persist. But the sun and light was so good. Then we went to pray and give thanks to blessings for completion of the academic year

On another morning, we went by the canal as Huaihao wanted to teach me how to cycle. He was very patient and gave me instructions and advice. I learned how to balance. Then we headed to a bookstore as the kids wanted to read

On yet another day, dad and mom went out for the morning walk before coming back to pick qinzhi and huaihao for some freshly baked croissants . And when it rained, I passed hao the paper bag and he improvised this way

That evening, we headed to ah yi and grandpa’s for our weekly dinner and the kids got treated to Godiva’s. Hao massaged ah yi as usual

One week Ah Yi wanted to carry him

This is the christmas deco ah yi bought for Huaihao

One night we headed to Orchard Road just to bask in the christmas atmosphere. Due to Covid restrictions we couldn’t enter malls but we are not going to be stopped. Enjoy we did walking down Orchard Road, then had ice cream!

Hao hasn’t really been drawing of late, but its so nice to him decorate his timetable – to which he spells out time for using the ipad.

Other times he would spend it on lego mostly and this is one of his latest creations. Everyday he would make one to two new ones and he would tell me about it.

And one of his latest pleasures is talking to siri

This day we received a letter from MOE to say that Huaihao has been recognised for his consistent excellent work. So happy for Huaihao! Keep it up dearest!

One morning, we went for a walk to millennia walk. Seeing Huaihao in front, was symbolic, he was like my guide. His little legs carried him step by step, from East coast all the way to the central part of Singapore.

Then I had to reward him with Shake Shack

On another day, we headed to Orchard Road and spent the whole day shopping! It was one of the first times the kids went to a mall after so long, a few months of skipping malls and restaurants because we were not vaccinated,

We had Ootoya, bubble tea which they loved

When we came back, we were dead beat!

Chatted at bedtime with Huaihao, and I asked if I should continue with the second dose of the vaccination, to which he said, “you should never go back, you should go forward”

I argued with him that what if, what if, going backwards is one way to go forwards? I gave him some examples, and spoke about the side effects of the vaccination. To which he said, then its not a good government ! They are ruling with an iron fist! How can they, they will not be able to pay back a person, they wouldn’t be able to because that is that one lucky sperm (which came to fertilise the egg) and a person’s life is god’s gift! How can they do that to god’s gift—so rude!

Bedtime with Huaihao another night. There was a zoom session and Huaihao waited for me. I had him to thank when i finally sank into the bed, with him next to me and he says he loves me to the monad back a trillion QI times.

Asked him what QI means and he says it is more than trillion.

I gulped this down and swallowed to which he laughed. Then i spoke to myself, my cells, to use this wonderful love and light to heal the keloids, the cyst, the inflamed gums and wherever needs healing.

On mid december, we went for our first family camp, and this is about the first time Huaihao had the chance to mingle with kids other than school mates. Its also one of the rare times he gets to express his feelings in public for us.

And its been a while since we went jogging and walking about together as a family

After which we headed to Huaihao’s first school, Alexandra School before heading over to his new school Ngee Ann Primary School

We got him his books and school uniform. And there’s an agreement he has to sign on his responsibility as a primary school student of this school. How cute this is!

And after so long, Huaihao finally had a new hairdo!

Loving it so much! I love you Huaihao!

Our First Family Camp

Our First Family Camp

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Daddy’s mentor Glenn Lim organised a family camp and we took part. Nothing is coincidence as I know it, when I arrived I intended that this 3d2n session be truly transformative and healing for us.

Guess what?

It worked exactly the way I intended.

This was us heading over.

The first night there was an ice breaker session for the 5 families, after which the kids had a session with the mentors and wrote parents letters from their heart. This was what Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote, So daddy had been angry for a few days, and “stayed in his cave”, so Qinzhi was inspired to write this. After the camp, we had a dinner and sat down to chat, she said she wrote it because she wanted her dad to know the “pain we are going through, its like I m swearing inside me, if you are upset just say, why must you just keep quiet? “

And Huaihao added, “if you want to be out, you have to tell us where you are going so that we will not worry”

We also explored the 5 love languages

Day 2 was a games day. Families went back to kampung or village times and played games like 5 stones, pick up sticks, we folded paper aeroplanes and flew them, played zero point (challenged heights held by a rubber band rope) and used our legs to kick a featherpult

The last day, Glenn set the tone by first telling us about his rebellious youth and how he, who came from a broken family realised and found himself. For his life that has gone bad, his words were that, “i did not blame my family because life is like that, its messy”

Out of prison, he healed his family relationships. And went on to take a new life exploring psychology and psychosocial behaviour. He said he was glad to be able to tell his father that he love him and made up before his father passed on.

He next showed 2 videos, one of which is this, the semi-final of the Men’s 400 metres sprint where British Olympian Derek Redmond tore his hamstring and still finished the race limping while the crowd in the stadium gave him a standing ovation. Although Great Britains Redmond was disqualified and listed as “Did Not Finish” due to the outside assistance of his father finishing the race, this very inspirational race has become a well-remembered and inspirational moment in Olympic history – !

The world over, in headlines reported how he finished the race with his father

I was totally in tears—-because his father was with him. I thought of mine.

Glenn wanted to show that the kids had their internal struggles and it was important for parents to be with them.

Next he showed a video speaking of a parent’s hidden struggles, that of a little girl whose father lied to her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9kqjsH–do

The girl thought the world about her father, but realised that the father lied about having enough, having money, lied about his other life of struggling with work to make ends meet to make her happy. The last sentence was “my father lied because of me”

Seeing this made me break down.

It made me think of mine, yes my father lied to me too, and in a way, it was because of me, too. And those few moments of light and clarity made me know that this camp had turned out exactly the way I intended.

Then it was the kids turn to present and read to us what they wrote, Qinzhi broke down reading the first sentence. And it made me tear too. Those few moments, I could feel that she was thankful for me and what a journey we had gone through.

Qinzhi and Huaihao made me a better person than I was before I had them. And having them in my life, these teachers—I had never thought of them as little but as my equal all along—being a parent made me a better child.

In fact, bf had wanted me to see Glenn because he felt that I had to settle and heal the parts I have yet to so that I can be truly myself.

I think the 2 commercials and his sharing delivered the divine’s message to me.

After the camp when we had dinner and spoke to the kids about these 2 commercials, Huaihao and Qinzhi said this, “the daddy is a good and bad daddy because he lied”

I explained that no parents would want to lie to their precious kids . In the commercial, the daddy as well, he didn’t want the kid to worry and to have a happy childhood, that was why he shouldered the tough life. He did it all for his child he held so dear.

And Qinzhi and Huaihao added, “but I rather he said it as it is and be honest about it,”

Because that is what a family does-to be together.

And I remember very well. I said the exact same words to Mr Ng too about dad when left us. I said to Mr Ng too, that we could have gone through it all together as a family, and he needn’t hide from us–his family.

Huaihao was me and I was Huaihao, we echoed the same thoughts. And this video was powerful to show me that my dad lied to me, because of me. That was the point of difference. For me. Because of me. And how can I still, have the heart of blame?

It was as if—the muddy cleared up in a split second and all the anguish pain suffering frustration hate anger —–was blown off.

In that sense, this camp has been doing the work for me. Truly thankful. Utmost thankful.

For Qinzhi

For Qinzhi

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https://www.zaobao.com.sg/lifestyle/columns/story20211126-1217194?fbclid=IwAR0UDtIawcWfOWHQFH9NSSOVGXXG-0XqdYERP_qNFQg3R4NdahBnKYjd4QM

Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.

On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.

I wrote this for Qinzhi

And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.

And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.

I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem

I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature

Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty

An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing

I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白

And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.

I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.

At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.

I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.

And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.

Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.

I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst

And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.

I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.

When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.

I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.

And so I release them, and myself.

Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.

I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.

Om!