Tag: Family

Dad

Dad

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Many years back I decided to celebrate mom’s birthday but that ended up to be her first and last

This year, because of realization and lots of mini awakening, I asked my siblings to order in for Father’s Day.

And, What coincidence

A few days later, dad had a pain in his heart area and went to A&E. X rays ruled out heart issues but a few days later , a CT scan showed blockages in his heart

Is it any more surprising?

No! Dad has been keeping too many things to himself and the blockage is as much an expression of his mental health

Yesterday dad called at evening time to say in a weak voice , obviously shocked, about what he has just heard

He said I will have to bring the kids these few days to n back from school

In that few moments I experienced crippling fear. Light and weightless all over, totally overwhelmed

No wonder I felt pricks in my chest area those few days too

I tried to be aware but the forces are too strong really

When dad went to A&E, a thought occurred to me : what would he be thinking of?

Mom —- was the answer.

And amazingly I had the WhatsApp conversation with Angie who pointed out that I needed to handle the fear that was trapped in my cyst

I was trying to, with awareness, with EFT tapping, it’s not easy , I tried to just observe them but I find my mind drifting away to look for other things

So I realized I didn’t really want to manage the difficult emotions

It’s hard work!

And each time I drifted to find something else I brought myself gently back

yesterday with all the fear, I was trying to keep sanity.

So much from the past

I tried to look at them.

I prayed. Thankful I have the reiki group and the sangha at Sasha and Ula’s end to reach out to

But there was still a lot to handle—— from the past! Why, ?!

So much from the past came flying back . They were what I blinked a blind eye to, not allowing not acknowledging not recognizing

Each time I observed fear I tell myself to use this time. Use it. Transform it to my advantage

Use it in support of meditation of my observing to sharpen my senses and to get to know my subtle body better

There’s so so much to know

I ask myself: what is the state or action I want to choose ? I can choose peace and stability over fear, an old reaction an old program

At the same time, there’s so much from the past! It sort of Wowed me. so much content that I m trying to observe and send my awareness to

I intend to use this opportunity to heal, to release all that have been cooped up in my cells in my system . I intend and release them

They can no longer serve me

I went for a long hug and bf patted me on the back. As usual, his advice is to take things matter of factly, without emotions and to be objective so as to solve problems . To accept reality of life.

The same advice from the past

But I think recognizing emotions and at least no shoving them away is so important

I tried to work internally on my own. I prayed to guru rinpoche to ask for blessings and healing and support to guide me every single moment

I used essential oils and they helped me greatly

I used releasing statements to support me

I asked the sun for support

I thought of all the things I learnt and tried to put them to use

I tell myself to choose a different reaction from what I used to. to set in a new program and have the power in my hands

What if I don’t have this past these experiences? How would I be now? I asked?

I remind myself as best I can: use this to transform and to release all the deep deep emotions stored away for these years

I see myself at dad’s bed when he has his spinal operation. That was perhaps my very first deep set fear, of losing of not being able to control

As the sun shone on me, I asked the sun to give me all the support all the awareness and wisdom I need , to heal my relationship with my father , to heal my cyst and all the fear and worry I have. To dissolve the cyst and all of the fear and old programs

I remember after putting down the phone with dad yesterday, the first thing that came to mind was, I want to forgive you . Please give me a chance to. I deeply regret all the ego all the strong feelings of anger and pushing him away and not letting him into my life all these years

I deeply regret this

What for? There’s no use no help to everyone around. There’s no help at all to my life but only detriment to it . I suffer the most bearing these grudges over the years

I promise myself I will try my utmost to practice awareness and to allow whatever rises in me. To not push away to observe to release

And Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s words helped me so much. Now I see why I had been given the opportunity to manage his instagram

I m reminded of the recent podcast Deepak Chopra shared. That all things events thoughts are rainbow bodies and an interaction of entangled light

If so let’s send light internally and also outwards even with this opportunity

And to learn to be space, to welcome experience without judgement

I journey with these thoughts on the bus to find dad. Trying my utmost to practice using this opportunity———I find the best is mingyur rinpoche or Tsoknyi rinpoche method . Relax mind , totally drop everything, just be aware . Whatever feelings that surface , just be aware , do not react . It will be released.

We all have been carrying the hurt the fear the burden far too long, since dad left us that very year and then mom .

The universe wants us to heal and to be loving to each other. Thank you universe. Please be with me, my dearest universe! to send me all the support awareness strength and magic I need.

What I saw at the ward gave me a shock. Wilting health and faces in dullness, dad’s face was rosy and pink I wonder why he is there

I spoke to Su, my reiki teacher who said to me:

There was a lot of golden healing light going through and surrounding both you and your dad last night and this morning.

This morning was particularly intense. The sense I got for your dad is that it’s very much tied to emotions he has not resolved (exactly as you said – keeping too many things in his heart).
In particular, something happened (or he witnessed) to him (nothing to do with you directly – you may/may not have been present) when you were 2 months’ old. That one thing seems to be like the cover to this current episode.

In terms of physical blocks, I could not sense/see any that was significant. It was mostly emotional.”

I told Su about the reflections and she said, “letting go and forgiveness. This is really really important for both you and your dad. The letting go, and the forgiveness.

You’ve already started – the first step is recognising the need to forgive and let go.

Before you continue, forgive yourself first. Then your dad. Sometimes saying it out loud really helps. Saying it out loud to your dad and to yourself – very important.

You can share the Ho’Oponopono prayer with your dad. Both of you say it together. Excellent if you can use YL Forgiveness EO at the same.

“I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
And I thank you.”

The Hawaiian tribes used to say this prayer (I think they still do) before meeting any other tribes etc and they would successfully avoid conflict.

And you can repeat it over and over. Do it for yourself (your dad too – for himself), then for each other.”

Afterwards I took some time by the beach, to feel the sandy and the seawater washing at my feet

And I felt so good instantly . Mother Nature’s healing prowess. I felt more stable so much more at ease afterward.

If anything . I believe the universe is trying to crystallize my transformation and upgrade.

Give me all the support and all that I need then , universe.

Realising Me xxi

Realising Me xxi

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In my self reiki session this morning, I saw something which gave me joy.

I saw myself back in my junior college uniform that quiet girl in a ponytail, always that obedient, hardworking one classmates worked at opening up

I sort of saw a dark cloud over her, and the energy she has is so low.

I saw why she’s like that, behaving like this out of the circumstances and the environment in her family. What were the feelings? Shamefulness ? Maybe not that strong but to that effect! I was one of the three from my secondary school to get into a top JC, but I felt inadequate compared to my peers who were from top secondary schools.

I felt like I didnt match up. And I would work so hard to be on par, there were students from top families in the upper echelons of society, who was I?

I was sandwiched between 2 types of feelings. On one hand, I wanted to excel very much to prove my worth, and to breakthrough the strata I was cooped into. I wanted to prove that even if my family was not well off, had no connections, my parents are not big figures, I could do well too. On the other hand, I didnt really want to talk about my family. And at that time, it was beginning to crumble. There was a sense of wanting to wrap these up and keep it inside. So long as it all looks good on the front.

That made the me then! And it felt like I was in a shadow and not out in the clear. Heavy and sullen.

I could write all these things now, and as I wrote, I found that I have found a distance between me and her.

It felt like there was no pain no right no wrong, I felt slightly sorry and wanted to share some light with her. So I breathed in and sent some light and love over.

It felt like I could see why she’s behaving in this way, and with understanding, there is acceptance, there’s not even regret but just empathy and compassion.

I acknowledge that it hasn’t been easy for her. And more importantly, its all over now. IF not for that period, I wouldn’t be here today, or I would be writing another set of story today.

Separately, one of those days, I was at home, I just felt happiness in the everydayness of life, the weather was hot, the kids chirping, ordering me around wanting this and that, so many things to do, and the husband is helping, sometimes isnt helping. There remains so much to do, to push to get everyone going.

But I also tasted bliss and contentment, gratitude and ————something to the lines of, the nature of life.

Om ma ne pad me hum.

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Today our whole tribe attended a prayer ceremony for grandmother grandfather and ….. mommy

It’s been a year since grandma or ah ma’s passing. How fast can time be?

Ah Ma, so tiny in frame, but so large in life or larger than. I think it will be impossible for me to forget what she said, when she came into our family to stay with us, to mother us, after mom’s passing.

“Yen, take it as if it was nothing. Be brave.”

I dont know how much courage she gave me so many times in life when I find myself in need. Just this line and what she did with her life.

And the prayer ceremony brought ah ma, ah gong or grandpa and mommy together.

At a temporarily set up altar, a big paper home is in place. The tribe is putting ah ma ah gong and mommy together as they reunite in the other world.

Everyone seems to feel better after doing the rites, its like they say, all done.

But for myself, it was something much much more as I went through it.

Seeing the photos of grandfather grandmother and mommy in the face was impactful.

I feel a stir somewhat . What are the words I should use when I can’t even make sense of my emotions? Arggh

Feels like a wind has come by and ruffled some pages of a book . Or some dust of a book hidden somewhere stirred.

Now as I put words down, I realize wind and light has come. Yes. Isn’t that a good thing TPY?

Like it did something to the long standing hurt and pain that has been kept in a certain place in my body, maybe…maybe in everyone else’s

I breathed in light and air as I sat there listening to the rites.

If anything, BREATHE

I worked hard at that.

As the gongs cymbals and prayer music came on, i try to be aware of areas of resonance.

it feels like some resonance can be found at the tummy area and heart

Like it was inviting things out

As I looked at ah ma’s picture, I began to speak to her

Thank you granny for sacrificing the way you did. For the selfless devotion , for all your giving. For giving your entire life to the Tan clan.

You had the whole tribe on your shoulders, how heavy is that?

How selfless is that?

How much responsibility and challenge could that have been?

But you took it all the same.

And the whole tribe is bowing to you now, on behalf of them all, thank you granny for giving up your happiness for all of us.

Please find your peace now

And another thought came to mind: Must people only find peace when they have given of themselves and after they die?

Really? Cant there be another way?

I looked at ah gong’s picture and I saw myself sitting on his lap kissing his face in the living room at our family home in geylang

It feels almost as if I can still feel the warmth and the smell of cigarette emanating from his mouth.

But I felt loved as a grandchild. I dont seem to recall any other grandchild being so close to ah gong.

I would kiss his face five times, on both cheeks, forehead, nose, chin

Like a ritual.

I recall dad telling me ah gong is a great cook. He did Tze Char, had a stall where all his children helped out and served celebrities at his stall with his hor fun, Har Lok (sautéed prawns), stir fried liver…

And afterwards, when I m on the food journey i recognised the seed planted by ah gong perhaps but that which I have expressed or interpreted with my own.

I might not have been a great cook, but i did meaningful valuable stories recording chef’s lives and wisdom that people could read over and over again, timeless quotes and wonderful values

And even if I have left the industry now, I find it hard to sever my ties with food even if I wanted to. There are people who keep calling and wanting me to serve in this industry in different ways

Then I look at my mother’s photo, and I sort of still felt her love

Why? It is still here so long after she has gone in 2002.

Her love so big so strong! I realise it traversed distance, space, dimensions. How big is that?

Thank you mommy, for loving us the way you did. For your selfless love and care for us all. For giving your life and soul your everything to the family, like ah ma has, for always always considering and prioritizing us. Making decisions for the good of us rather than yourself first

Please be at peace please find your peace

And as I said thank you to granny and mommy, I felt something lifted off my body and my cells

Like something opened up…ka cha….

Like there was a release

I heaved things out ……..PHEW!

As I was looking at the whole tribe, and my family, I give thanks to granny mommy for all the love and life they have given to the tribe

On behalf of the tribe of my family I say this, and is thankful I have the awareness to do this.

I sort of see them smile satisfactorily and going away

And for myself——-I feel like I can finally have a fresh new start

After so long, I think I can finally bye this experience away

And I have reflections almost instantly

-Can’t they be at peace in life?

-I began to realize how similar I have been when making decisions , I followed mother and grandmother—— I always thought of my children first and not my feelings first

I shouldered my family above myself when the family was in need. Wow. And at a much younger age.

And the beautiful thing is——I found a way!!!

If granny and mommy attended to anyone else other than themselves first, then why dont I do the reverse?

What if I attended to my emotions first ?

Rather than thinking for my family?

I would want to get out of this situation

I would not have kept things under wraps thinking this is good for the kids

So I should try the reverse instead. Try TPY try!

I should try this method of putting myself first because if its good for me, it must be good for my kids somewhat. And if I m not happy, the kids will not be.

Then I could rewire and change things

And finally be myself

It reminds me of my solo trip in Paris

One time I went one round and came back to the same spot realising ——–I have come one full circle

Now too, I feel like I have had a dream and I m back to some ten years ago, when mommy had passed on, and I have processed this, and can start off, acknowledging the loss yet can move on.

Finally, I asked for ALL the support, resources, power, strength, wisdom, energy, longevity, vitality that I need to breakthrough and to become a better version of TPY.