Do you really understand the meaning of you? Your life? Your existence?
For you to be born
Tag: Family
Missed the bus, but hey
I did all I can at my best, prepared all the brews, breakfast and lunch for HuaiHao , did raindrop for him and headed out for my reiki 2 class.
Before I decided, the tired feeling came on.
Now that I journal, I just know—— it is not mine. But the husband is going thru his cycle. Unconscious to it .
All along when HuaiHao is not feeling well, he would stay clear and not be responsive. He would side step and I would handle.
This time too. But today as I was deliberating if I should stay at home or head for class, I decided the latter.
The hub has gone back to bed- a sign that he is switching off and going back into his old mode.
So I would make room, consciously for him to go through the process. What is different is that, as opposed to telling him what to do, letting him know what I prepared, instructing him as to how he should act ie to take responsible, I left after letting HuaiHao know what he can expect from what I have prepared.
I will leave my expectations somewhere there, with room for them to play it out. Rather, for the daddy to be guided by the son. Or rather, for the divine to set things in order.
For all that I need to know, will be revealed to me in divine order. And all that I need, is taken care of by the universe.
I see them breakthrough. And it will be different from the past.
And so it is.
I popped down and saw the drizzle and went back upwards to get an umbrella. When I went down the drizzle was somewhat gone. I feel light and reiki love outwards.
Then I saw the bus I was aiming for pass me by.
I shouldn’t have went back up for the umbrella! I thought.
But as I was nearing the bus stop, I saw the outline of another bus, and that is the bus for me. Less crowded. And I got the space and the feeling to journal this down.
Sometimes, missing a bus might not be that bad because a better one comes by.
Like what the Dalai Lama says, sometimes missing something is a blessing.
9 Yrs 2 Mths
Huaihao has grown even more in this last month, no longer a little kid, he is rounder, taller, fuller, firmer. His vocabulary improved lots spewing out words such as hypothetically, logically, don’t beat around the bush and lots of others. He gave me lots of riddles and asked me about how the Titanic sank, telling me about the third moon of Mars.
Irregardless, every friday we spend a day at grandpa’s and ah yi’s for good food. Here’s one!
At first, the kids observed how ah yi made sourdough crackers, then they started making it too. Needless to say what fun and fulfilment , plus bonding too!
Ting Xie or spelling is nothing regular when its done the Huaihao way. He adds all these cute doodles alongside the words.
Weekends are spent walking by the beach in the sun, then grocery shopping with mom. This day, Huaihao saw a rolling pin that might work for ah yi at SCOOP!
We got a reservation at Summer Pavilion and its always good there! Huaihao’s appetite has grown tremendously and he loves the XO sauce too! The fried rice is da bomb and he continues to have it at home!
On another day, we headed out and let the the kids have MOS Burger. Then grocery as usual and here’s Huaihao picking out a watermelon.
On another evening, we had dinner at Blu Kouzina—greek and then walked back o the beach barefooted in dusk
I love how Huaihao always teases me and makes me feel happy. Recently he asked for spaghetti and would dream up his own pairings such as a runny egg with seaweed toppings or ebikho! Palate is good!
And here is one goodnight hug which the boy needs.
To address how his eyes twitches due to excessive iPad use, Huaihao stops every 30min (when dad is around) and looks out far for 15min. This really did help him lots!
Before the school holiday ended, Huaihao wanted sushi and we headed out for dinner
We took the opportunity to shop for a present for grandpa and got him a replacement water bottle. We are celebrating Gengyan jiujiu’s birthday too and the kids couldn’t find anything suitable. Then Huaihao asked dad: “what does a man need?” Hilarious when mommy heard this!
Then they wrapped up the present!
And we had an Israeli dinner
before the staycay with ah mei ah yi starts,
Bedtime with HuaiHao
And I asked him how he felt seeing me at the school gate waving ferociously at him welcoming him ? And he said, “ you are the brightest star in the night sky. I can see only you.”
I was like—- wow.
But what he said was the truth. I could see only him too.
He asked me a riddle. And told me he thought of it himself.
“A captain was on a ship and he said hi. What was the name of the ship? ”
And he said, “ What”
Haha.
Then he asked what if we could turn back time. Can we?
I asked where he wanted to go. And he said, “ Redhill because I grew up there. I kissed the floor you know.”
He did that beautifully when we were moving out
And if I felt cold, HuaiHao would get up and tuck me in bed, the way he did it, he would tuck the blanket below my body and it reminded me of the way the kids’ dad did it for my mom.
It was a great opportunity to release the pain or at least, the discomfort I felt in my chest. It took me a few days to get that kink sorted out, but now when Huaihao tucked me in, I made the effort to tell myself, Mom must have been happy to feel the care and that is a past long gone. So many things have changed and we have moved. And now I m not Mommy, and this is my son showing his love and care for me. Thankful for the opportunity to release this.
13 Years 1 Month
This month Qinzhi did something really new and that was to go out alone with her friends. While we have our concerns such as how would she navigate the public without us—- she has never left our care—— but I am reminded that if she belongs to the same soul set as me, my mother, she is equally if not more capable and all she needed is trust and opportunities to realize —- our trust and her own.
It feels great to connect this way to my inner wisdom
On weekends, we try to get the kids to get some walking in the sun
This week at ah Mei ah yi’s , the kids had a go at making sourdough crackers using discard. And what fun they had!
And it happened that ah yi scored a reservation at Summer Pavilion and we had a chance to eat there!
And qinzhi has been using the phone quite a bit of late and so much that she’s admitting that she’s having difficulty stopping
One evening during the March holidays, we headed out to Siglap and had dinner. Then we walked home by the beach and planted our feet in the waters
One day, HuaiHao had the spur of an idea for me to cook a runny egg on spaghetti. The result turned out great and the kids loved this!
Before the holidays ended, we went out for a meal of sushi as the kids wanted
We took the opportunity to shop for grandpa’s presents as the kids would have liked. They chose the present – a water bottle and wrapped it before making a card and qinzhi said she would be secretly putting the present in grandpa’s bedroom at midnight
The kids also made a card for gengyan jiujiu
And we took the kids out for an Israeli dinner to mark the end of school holidays
And headed off to Ah mei Ah yi’s for a staycay
I am reminded that this seemingly ordinariness of life, is not at all ordinary but a collection and an infusion of blessings and divine love.
I am thankful and so blessed. I love, approve and accept myself and all around me. I understand that this is all perfect and in the highest good in this point in time and that I m a powerful creator capable of designing my own experiences.
Much love. Om!
Realising My Self (I): The Perfume You Need
Bf came over to hug and kiss me before he went off to work.
And the Forest Escentials scents—- whichever he used, stayed on.
Huaihao was the first to notice. He says, “ it’s not mommy I m smelling now, it’s papa.”
I have asked him before what the mommy smell is like—- and we both align that we can describe it as baby milky and slightly powdery. These words echo a memory we have been locked into at one point in time.
Back to the lingering scent. It’s very floral and pollen-powdery if you know what I mean. Very feminine.
So I was so taken I had to WhatsApp bf and say, “Actually I find the scents of the products you use too pollen and powdery. Too feminine and doesn’t really suit you 🤔it’s too powdery even for me! Very floral.”
“Come to think of it!The very first Dior perfume you got me was very floral and extremely feminine. And it’s definitely not me. Maybe intuitively you knew I was too strong and trying to tell me to soften. But over the years I only got further from being a vulnerable girl. And up till now I havent grown into being that lady.
Help me relax / grow into my place . Nothing more nothing less.
And I m trying to recall the perfume you used to wear. Although not as natural as forest essentials, it suits you way better.”
Then the thought that arose in my mind was, “ suit who?”
Am I not imposing on him? why am I telling him what yes and what not?
Another thing, it dawned on me that the scents he use is for me , to work on me because I needed them.
Was there somewhere we read that our spouse mirror us ? Reflect us?
So all along I just felt like——out of place with these floral scents, not just on him but anything really floral like the jasmine, ylang ylang, the lily —— are too much for me.
They were so feminine and so strong in that way. In contrast, I like woody scents so much more like Idaho blue spruce cypress. They were always magical and took you to a space inside.
The recent healing sessions by RonWu brought me to the understanding that I have always wanted to be a boy and so has my mother.
In the post war days in Singapore, it would be common for every family to want a boy to carry on the family line. My grandmother wanted one to get the love she needed from her husband. But she couldn’t care any until she adopted a few children and had my mother.
My mother probably got this from her mother , and wanted to be a boy.
But mommy married into a huge tribe and she encountered the pressure of having to bear sons for her husband because every family of my dad’s brothers have one. She (felt she) needed a boy to shut people’s mouths, to stop all comparisons and thought that having a boy could at least raise or secure her a certain status the other sister-in-laws had
Writing this way made me see how u worthy my mom thought of herself. And that she probably felt she’s at a lower status, and she was undeserving.
Although my mom finally bore a son, it was 8 years after I was born.
And I had soaked these ups already. Downloaded all the feelings of hers.
I wanted to be a boy so that I could stand up for mom in this tribe of others, protecting her against comparisons and securing the status she so wanted.
So I always was an overachiever even if I am a girl. I wanted to do so well in exams I would beat my boy and girl cousins so mom could be proud of me.
And I man-up even more after Mom passed on to build my own family. I was literally like providing for my family.
I didn’t know how and what it means to be a girl. I have short hair and don’t do girly things like mani pedicures not facials etc
I didn’t know how to be vulnerable and weak I didn’t know how to ask for help and directly
And so i paused when I asked my husband to help me relax / grow into my place.
It was difficult to say that. To acknowledge I need a hug. To be on the weaker end.
But I sent it after that little pause after all.
Like an opening up of sorts.
And a loosening and letting go of sorts —- in those brief moments
Writing this way made me see that the intentions were all wrong starting from grandmother, she wanted love so much she misplaced it in the notion of bearing a son. And my mom took it on, she wanting to be a boy so much she thought she would be able to do wonders and life might have been different had she been a boy
And these flowed into my life in a certain point in time. I took them on and played them out—- these false realities and stories and lived my life —- 43 years of it this way.
RonWu said I was chasing a dream that was impossible and it’s time for me to come back to my place
In doing so, my husband can come back to love me as a wife, my father could go back to loving me as his princess , my siblings can love me as a sister, my kids can return to loving me as mommy and I can be me
And he pointed out to me the urgency that of bringing this to a closure with my father, who is a pure simple man with the sole purpose of loving my mother and his children. The same with my husband, as with my brother.
Same soul set we are.
Most importantly in me coming back to my place as a girl, my children will not have to carry on any story me my mom or generations of woman above me have. This line of ancestors would heal when I heal and my children would be free
What kind of a realization and revelation is that? You ask?
And it is because I am ready and in tuned to receive. And it is because I have shifted . And it is because love is and always have been around me with me in me. But I have blocked them out living out and taking real those falsehoods of reality. My mom and grandmother’s reality. They probably picked these stories up somewhere sometime.
But they didn’t have the chance to pry and to break out of these stories. Instead, they lived their life out perpetuating these misplaced notions and eventually misplaced themselves , living life to the fullest but also, totally out of life and abundance.
And writing this way made me see how blessed and how abundant I am and can be even more so!
And writing this way made me see why they say, the scents you do not like are the very ones you need.
I thank the universe for sending me RonWu- he helped me identify and fish out the deepest tenets and thoughts I hinged on.
I wish anyone reading this lots of love and light.
12 Years 11 Months
The holiday flew by in a blink and its time to prepare for school. And prepare we did , first by trimming the tresses. And Qinzhi is now more open to trimming and she actually liked the hairdo.
On Christmas eve, the kids popped over for a staycay at ah mei ah yi’s , did a supper time movie and had McDonald’s the next day for breakfast.
And Mommy spent the day looking for Xmas presents for qinzhi and huaihao, then the kids harvested more presents after a staycay at popo and yiyi’s
The next thing we did was head over to Tenjin for some tempura
We also did our usual walk
This is Qinzhi playing with bubbles out of our window
Before school started, we had a chance to head out and treated Qinzhi to food and drinks she wanted.
We came to know that Qinzhi has been posted to St Anthony’s but did an appeal. Qinzhi was extremely happy to know that she’s got posted to a girl’s school. She was jumping up with joy. And when the news came in that our appeal was successful , this girl was indeed overjoyed she cried! Mommy quickly came over to hug Qinzhi and to share her joy. Her biggest dream come true. We headed to the school to get some admin work done, and then bought school uniforms and books.
I remember telling Qinzhi to remember this feeling, this feeling of being granted. Her wish, granted. And to carry this happiness this feeling of joy and thankfulness with her.
On the first day of school, Qinzhi woke up early. And she tied her ponytail up high. Love her new look! Her smile. It speaks of confidence and appreciation, gratitude. We all walked Qinzhi to school, then met her when she’s off school. And since then, Qinzhi has been waking up on her own for school, within 2 months, we saw how much Qinzhi evolved , from passive to active. She tells me that she is capable of doing lots, especially if she likes something. On us, it is on us to find out that something which powers her and keeps her energised.
And when I asked Qinzhi to capture her intentions for the new 2022, she wrote so clearly what she wanted.
Dearest Qinzhi, believe in yourself that you can achieve anything you want. All within your reach. Remember the magic of getting what you want. That feeling, cherish it! It is that which gives you more.
Our First Family Camp
Daddy’s mentor Glenn Lim organised a family camp and we took part. Nothing is coincidence as I know it, when I arrived I intended that this 3d2n session be truly transformative and healing for us.
Guess what?
It worked exactly the way I intended.
This was us heading over.
The first night there was an ice breaker session for the 5 families, after which the kids had a session with the mentors and wrote parents letters from their heart. This was what Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote, So daddy had been angry for a few days, and “stayed in his cave”, so Qinzhi was inspired to write this. After the camp, we had a dinner and sat down to chat, she said she wrote it because she wanted her dad to know the “pain we are going through, its like I m swearing inside me, if you are upset just say, why must you just keep quiet? “
And Huaihao added, “if you want to be out, you have to tell us where you are going so that we will not worry”
We also explored the 5 love languages
Day 2 was a games day. Families went back to kampung or village times and played games like 5 stones, pick up sticks, we folded paper aeroplanes and flew them, played zero point (challenged heights held by a rubber band rope) and used our legs to kick a featherpult
The last day, Glenn set the tone by first telling us about his rebellious youth and how he, who came from a broken family realised and found himself. For his life that has gone bad, his words were that, “i did not blame my family because life is like that, its messy”
Out of prison, he healed his family relationships. And went on to take a new life exploring psychology and psychosocial behaviour. He said he was glad to be able to tell his father that he love him and made up before his father passed on.
He next showed 2 videos, one of which is this, the semi-final of the Men’s 400 metres sprint where British Olympian Derek Redmond tore his hamstring and still finished the race limping while the crowd in the stadium gave him a standing ovation. Although Great Britains Redmond was disqualified and listed as “Did Not Finish” due to the outside assistance of his father finishing the race, this very inspirational race has become a well-remembered and inspirational moment in Olympic history – !
The world over, in headlines reported how he finished the race with his father
I was totally in tears—-because his father was with him. I thought of mine.
Glenn wanted to show that the kids had their internal struggles and it was important for parents to be with them.
Next he showed a video speaking of a parent’s hidden struggles, that of a little girl whose father lied to her https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9kqjsH–do
The girl thought the world about her father, but realised that the father lied about having enough, having money, lied about his other life of struggling with work to make ends meet to make her happy. The last sentence was “my father lied because of me”
Seeing this made me break down.
It made me think of mine, yes my father lied to me too, and in a way, it was because of me, too. And those few moments of light and clarity made me know that this camp had turned out exactly the way I intended.
Then it was the kids turn to present and read to us what they wrote, Qinzhi broke down reading the first sentence. And it made me tear too. Those few moments, I could feel that she was thankful for me and what a journey we had gone through.
Qinzhi and Huaihao made me a better person than I was before I had them. And having them in my life, these teachers—I had never thought of them as little but as my equal all along—being a parent made me a better child.
In fact, bf had wanted me to see Glenn because he felt that I had to settle and heal the parts I have yet to so that I can be truly myself.
I think the 2 commercials and his sharing delivered the divine’s message to me.
After the camp when we had dinner and spoke to the kids about these 2 commercials, Huaihao and Qinzhi said this, “the daddy is a good and bad daddy because he lied”
I explained that no parents would want to lie to their precious kids . In the commercial, the daddy as well, he didn’t want the kid to worry and to have a happy childhood, that was why he shouldered the tough life. He did it all for his child he held so dear.
And Qinzhi and Huaihao added, “but I rather he said it as it is and be honest about it,”
Because that is what a family does-to be together.
And I remember very well. I said the exact same words to Mr Ng too about dad when left us. I said to Mr Ng too, that we could have gone through it all together as a family, and he needn’t hide from us–his family.
Huaihao was me and I was Huaihao, we echoed the same thoughts. And this video was powerful to show me that my dad lied to me, because of me. That was the point of difference. For me. Because of me. And how can I still, have the heart of blame?
It was as if—the muddy cleared up in a split second and all the anguish pain suffering frustration hate anger —–was blown off.
In that sense, this camp has been doing the work for me. Truly thankful. Utmost thankful.
7 Yrs 11 Mths
Had a few occasions whereby I could bring Huaihao out on a one-one date. And brought him to his favourite Burger joint.
I wonder if its the smaller space we are in, coupled with growing up hormones and aging ones as well, everyday in the house is like a Mars meet Earth kind of event.
I cant say there’s peace for sure, and more often than not, it starts from Huaihao disobeying or rather, Huaihao pushing for what he wants, in seemingly unreasonable ways to us.
How will this affect his system?
There are times Daddy maintained his cool, but in a few other times, definitely challenged by Huaihao. Smaller in size but so much stronger in force. He always said to Huaihao:”at 16 years old you get out of my life, i have enough of you”
Daddy has no qualms pointing out Huaihao is “the cause of it all”, of all unhappiness, I wonder how Huaihao thinks or feels.
Statements like these made me worried. How would this impact my Huaihao? Even though he is seemingly not bothered by it?
When Huaihao is beyond reason, which is often, Daddy when he cannot keep cool, blows his top, takes Huaihao by the hand and pulls him out of the house. Huaihao would be crying in fear and Qinzhi would rise to save her brother by scolding and shouting Daddy, “all you freaks! I want to kill myself”
I wonder how these will impact Qinzhi and Huaihao?
Will they even remember? What are all these fights for? seemingly born out of nitty gritty stuff?
As I was writing Qinzhi’s blog posts, Huaihao saw me writing and asked me why do I write?
I replied that this has been so, the very day I took an ultrasound photo in my gynae’s office and saw Qinzhi. I wanted to record down the things you two experienced , maybe somewhere down the road, when you happen to chance across these words, you would be able to perceive or visualise how Mommy is writing in the night, when all of you are asleep and the washing machine is calling out to me, the dryer doing its runs and turns.
Actually writing benefits me too much, it feels like I can let it go and don’t need to hold on to it—whether its a happy or unhappy event. So as much as this is for the kids, its also for me to reflect and make sense of what has happened in the family, to take stock.
And 2020 has gone in a whiff.
December is Qinzhi and Huaihao’s favourite month. The month they get presents from Santa—actually Daddy and they know. And from Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jiejie plus Karyn’s dady who never fail to pamper them with a no budget Christmas outing with food and presents.
And more food and more presents.
To the extent that the children forget about the value of money and buy in excess and without a think. Such as picks like this and I gave them a lecture of course. I told Huaihao that if he did not respect money, money would not come to him. As with respect for any other
To create more quiet for Qinzhi to concentrate on her work, Huaihao also went out with Dad this holiday to run errands and bond and had his favourite Din Tai Feng and Tenjin.
Then Ah tin aye secured a staycay at MBS for 4 nights, we went for it despite a lot of crap and uneventful disputes with Huaihao. but got it sorted out because deep down, Daddy and Mommy didn’t want to disappoint—Qinzhi especially. We tried lots of food that we don’t normally do
I wanted to put a point on Huaihao’s exceptionally unreasonable behaviour these few days. Beyond reason, he kept pounding my hand with so much might when I tried to educate/chided him or disagreed with him.
We almost did not manage to come for the staycay at MBS and in the midst of it, there must have been ten times it almost ended in a whiff.
I believed in talking it out. And being a friend to my children. I always remembered what Mr Ng said “the children know. So talk to them.”
But I ended up raising an unreasonable kid who does not listen. What went wrong ? Was I too lenient? What would my mummy say if she were alive ?
Like in the midst of the staycay, he was so naughty daddy wanted to check out and I wanted to go home. It was Qinzhi who kept stopping us and asking us to talk to HuaiHao because we did not know how to manage him
And I was so so so angry this was the first time in 7 years I pulled his ears. He was so upset he cried. Can’t there be another way out? I asked
He finally apologized and I delivered the punishment of beating his palm three times.
But doing that brought me so much pain at heart. This episode made me feel that I was wrong to love him the way I did and I had to take responsibility for raising HuaiHao up this way
What if he grows up bad? And cause hurt to others? And ultimately to himself? It had never occured to me that my kids will turn bad.
After it all, at night before he slept, he climbed out of bed and wanted to touch my face and say, “only after that can I sleep.”
I wonder where and what went wrong. How do I address this? Do I still want to get upset or angry and experience the upheavals in emotion?
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, in a recent video says, “be creative ! when you have anger, use that as support for meditation.”
No doubt a way out, but not easy!
The other times he was good, we had a short walk while Qinzhi was having her tuition at MBS. Ever sensitive, he would hold my shopping bags and hold my hand. I could feel his little hands growing and warming me up.
I said to Huaihao, “its nice to hold your hand and not beat your hand.”
We then went to get presents, for Karyn’s Dad, Karyn and for Qinzhi. Huaihao said Qinzhi needed a black pen, and so we went to Muji to get it. Then he chose the Marvel T shirt for Karyn’s dad and drew a card for Karyn.
I love his doodles, look at the eyes!
I never thought that the day Huaihao challenged me would come so fast. And even if so, Huaihao has a way that would swiftly bring you back to him. Be good Huaihao, I wish you love and healthfulness, sincerely!
11 Years 10 Months
Qinzhi is 11 years and 10 months old?
It seemed like yesterday that she’s entered primary one, it seemed like yesterday Qinzhi was born. Thinking of yesterday brought up lots of images of Qinzhi in my mind. Flashes of them.
And what a journey Qinzhi has taken.
Its the holiday season but Qinzhi is spending much time revising—in view of next year’s PSLE exams, and to make up for whatever she missed in your lower primary school days.
Sometimes seeing Qinzhi frustrated at revision made me stop and think. I can see that Qinzhi is trying her utmost. I asked if Qinzhi wants to repeat Primary 6 but she says she wants to go for the PSLE exams. And I told Qinzhi that if this is what she wants, Mom and Dad will do our utmost to support her. And we will do this together.
So that we did, Dad engaged Qinzhi a tutor, and enrolled Qinzhi in some online lessons, coincidentally Gary had the time to come tutor her twice. I pushed on with assessments everyday.
And I must say, this is one of the most busy—yet fulfilling holidays Qinzhi has. She is lazy and takes all the opportunities to laze around but I try my best to motivate her.
Sometimes I can feel that Qinzhi is trying her best not to be distracted and is frustrated at herself. Other times, she is frustrated at me.
A few times, she is lost in her thoughts. I wonder what Qinzhi must be feeling when I shout at her.
I wonder what is the stress Qinzhi feels at heart. Because she is such a perceptive child. One day, I told Qinzhi that Gor is going for knee surgery and at bed time we spoke again, Qinzhi burst out crying. She says that after what has happened to her school mate, she doesn’t want anyone else to go for surgery.
And what more, her popo or grandma, not her real one, but the very one who held her more precious than herself—– is going for one. She cried so hard her eyes swell the next day.
And this morning when Huaihao was naughty and made everyone lose our cool, Daddy has already pulled him out and it was Qinzhi who came to the rescue.
She can feel impending danger or when another feels threatened or in danger and responds like a saviour or Huaihao’s guardian angel.
I thought of myself. Haven’t I been in the role before?
In December, I convinced Qinzhi to go for a hair trim after all these years. She is still extremely fearful and I can see Qinzhi totally held backwards in fear.
I was like that once.
So so so much fear that I wasn’t moving. I saw myself in Qinzhi.
So I treated her to Burger Plus, not the most healthy but a treat and a steal this holiday. Then brought her to the salon. She tried new things, she had a hair wash, trim , blow and the stylist curled her hair.
This is probably one of the most satisfying hair trips she’s had. Before this, it was extremely traumatic to have her think about a hair salon.
The same day, we brought Qinzhi and Huaihao to the dentist to clean their teeth. The next day, Gengyan jiujiu brought Qinzhi and Huaihao for a daycation.
The next week, Karyn’s dad brought the kids to a pop up Jurassic Cafe and brought them presents. It was a once a year happy affair the kids looked forward to
QinZhi really wanted a staycay and ayi told Ah tin ayi and she redeemed 4 nights at MBS for us.
I really wanted to Qinzhi to have a holiday without work and we tried despite HuaiHao ‘s constant attempts to drive us nuts
We ate at new places and not what we would normally would, hoping that the new flavors and experiences would give her new sensations and emotions .
We spent a good day walking around orchard road and getting presents for yiyi popo and whoever Qinzhi has designated , using their own savings . I hope Qinzhi and HuaiHao learn to give back and appreciate the folks who love them.
And above all, I hope Qinzhi has a holiday of sorts even if she’s constantly challenged by HuaiHao and homework. She loves Huaihao so much she gets upset at for for reprimanding Huaihao even if Hao is in the wrong. She would say:”You do not how to handle Huaihao, get creative!”
And she would be so worked up you could feel the anger rising. I wonder if this is a good thing. At first I was worried, but more and more, I m beginning to take this positively, because she needed to let off steam. And because she did, afterwards she could talk to Huaihao and us like she always did without any kind of awkwardness.
Dear Qinzhi, whatever the case, take care of yourself first. I wonder why but I told you so so so many times, that you are so pretty, I encouraged you to tie up your hair, in a high ponytail, in a bun that would highlight your face. but you simply refused.
I wonder why?
Don’t you want to be beautiful?
Or do you think that you are not?
To mommy, you are precious, one and only, and I told you, that you have to learn to respect yourself, for if you don’t, no one else will.
Start loving yourself Qinzhi.
You are enough.
7 Yrs 8 Mths
It was bedtime as usual.
But the message my son brought me isnt usual,
I forgot what we were talking about, but I was exposing him to the idea that for some schools of thought, the soul moves on when its time for the body to retire
And Huaihao was asking me, how does the soul move on? “Because like great grandmother, she’s burnt into ashes already so how does she become another person ?”
I m not too sure myself but I brought up the word reincarnation. It must be the first time Huaihao heard this word.
Then he said, “Mummy, can you live a happy and healthy life ? Otherwise I would be so sad when you pass away. If you live happily and healthily, I will be only worried when you are 90 or 80. And how old are you already?”
I cannot imagine how much I mean to Huaihao, much as I may not know how much I mean to my mother, my father, and equally, I may not know how much they mean to me.
But Huaihao’s words put things into perspective for me.
Amidst of all unhappiness, challenges, miscommunication, lack of communication and satisfaction, Huaihao’s words helped put things into perspective.
To rise above it all, and to put effort into living happily and healthily. These are the most important and precious in life. And living happily and healthily, isnt this THE MOST important thing, nothing else can rise up to?
Its almost like anger meeting with his words and retreating instantly dissolving into nothingness.
I remember the day he was born, I wrote a long reflection which said that Huaihao ‘s gift was for me to do all that I did not have a chance to, I did not use the epidural, I did all the traditional confinement stuff no matter how hard, I drank gallons of red date tea. Huaihao is a constant reminder, inspiration and light to search for new pathways and not be satisfied with what has been done.
And how to live happily and healthily? But for you, I will. I will try my very best to live happily and healthily for you.
Thank you teacher! And it feels like these words came from somewhere deeper, further, wiser.
It was bedtime as usual
HuaiHao says, “ mommy, it feels like you are happy on the outside but sad inside. Is it because I hurt my head and my lips?”
How can HuaiHao be so perceptive ?
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