Tag: Family

13 Year 9 Months

13 Year 9 Months

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The long awaited end of year school holidays is upon us. And Qinzhi has officially graduated Secondary One. We are all happy to see her move on to Secondary Two. Most of all, she has challenged her boundaries and limits and— enjoyed Secondary 1 even if there are down times

In the mornings that Huaihao is in school, we girls head out for some sun to work out sweat. At night, we have potato chips and K drama, and both of us knew at heart how precious these times were. We connected resonated and found a new friend in us

This is Qinzhi trying out cold wear as we prepare for our trip. Qinzhi loves the cold weather , she loves to dress up and tells me how cool it will be to dress in jeans shorts paired with stockings and boots. She even made friends trying on cold wear in Uniqlo and another lady chatted up with her on what to buy for her own winter trip

But look just how much time has passed to blossom this little bud into a lady. She already looks very much the fit dressing out in Ah Mei Ah Yi’s hand me downs

And one evening we took a stroll by the beach wanting to bathe our feet in water to ground. But everyone ended up getting wet. And the best part, lots of fun. And a first time getting wet without extra clothes/

And Christmas is upon us really soon. Ah Yi typically buys Christmas decors for herself and would buy extra sets for Qinzhi and Huaihao. Like a little tradition.

And on this day, Karyn brought Qinzhi for a tasting at a new eatery. This is such a great experience or Qinzhi.

Qinzhi painted this- called Opposites for Ah Yi

On the 17th, we headed out to our favourite restaurant to have dinner to celebrate Ah Mei Ah Yi’s birthday.

I hope Qinzhi gets to try out new things and really take good rest in the holidays, recharging herself before secondary 2 starts!

Be well Qinzhi ! Love you!

Running/ Walking (xvii)

Running/ Walking (xvii)

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Qinzhi woke me up from the (prolonged?) slumber I had been in.

I motivated her to get up to run/walk with us. She woke up late as usual but I convinced her to do the walk slowly.

When we headed to the park, she was all the way behind us.

I asked the daddy to slow down and be with her while I ran. I didn’t want to leave her alone

But the daddy kind of asked where she is and threw a fit.

“If Qinzhi is going to walk like that don’t force her. Let’s just head back.“

He went all the way and Qinzhi obviously was shocked at this sudden onward of lecture

Frozen she stood where she was and took it all

I did kind of the same- with a few worthless- stop it .

Afterwards she walked kind of directionless lifelessly

Yet this all made sense to me. Because Qinzhi is mirroring who else but me.

She was reflecting back to me how I was walking living

So while I coaxed her motivated her coached her, I can’t help but feel like this is for me

Life IS happening for me, showing to me, talking to me.

And I m glad I heard .

Mummy

Mummy

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It’s mom’s 20th death anniversary today.

We all headed to the temple to pray. Dad got the food, joss paper as always. And when all is done he said to us, “ mom’s gone for 20 years today. So fast.”

I kind of went through this without feeling my feelings

Maybe that was why I felt so uncomfortable at the temple

Breathe- I told myself

What do I feel?

Tired out. It’s so much work with mummy not around me.

I put up defenses, protective covers, I hardened up consciously and unconsciously. I went the distance and worked myself to the max challenging myself pushing boundaries

I wallowed in self pity

I put up a strong front

I did not acknowledge too many things and just got on with life as best I can

But the more I did this the deeper I fell

Earlier this year, with family constellations, I kind of saw how mummy chose her own path- because she had felt so lost so helpless. So alone.

Awhile ago, I kind of thought back on her journey and her choice

And I guess I somehow got sidestepped feeling her.

Now writing this, I know this isn’t what mummy want.

Its also not what I WANT!!! But I kind of went into it without awareness and came this far

As a mummy myself now, I sort of got my kids worried with the recent slump I have been in

Mummy worried me too- on a few occasions. But she’s always so strong for us . Until she couldn’t hold on anymore

Writing this now, I know I m not mummy, I don’t have her experiences her pain her troubles

I turn backwards now to me. To continue where I left off in my own path

I am counting my blessings as I acknowledge my path and thanking all my guardian angels who have been protecting me and guiding me all this while. Bringing me back after having for mummy’s path for a while

And I know the reason is to anchor me on my own

And although mummy has left for 20 years, somehow she’s still with me

In me

In the patterns habits standards I keep myself up to having been born to her, bred by her

What would mummy say to me?

I recall that in a healing session, her message to me was ‘ “ I m so proud of you.”

And the message now:

“Go get what you want. Stop living life for me for others but for TPY. Let the fear doubts self pity rest. You have everything you need to succeed. The universe is behind you with you”

“you are always shiny always brilliance. Mummy loves you so much.”

Thank you Mummy for this connection this message. Most of all for having me, for giving birth to me, for cherishing me more than yourself.

Love you mummy !

At bedtime, I told HuaiHao about how I felt and this little boy said, “ you do not have to not cry you know. Release it. “

I asked him how?

“Everyone has their way of releasing emotions . Let it out.”

I asked him what is his way?

“Cry”

And what is mummy’s way?

He said “ the same “

I shared that if I let it all out I would be worrying him.

And he said, “ but we all want to care for the people we love”

So cry I did and HuaiHao wiped tears away. I felt two things at one go- I felt so blessed to have him with me. At the same time, I felt how much I missed my mummy. I told him so.

He kind of didn’t really know how to react. He hugged me and put his hand on my face for a while

I asked if I caused him worry

He said , a little bit. “ I don’t want you to be sad”

So I shared that previously I kind of hid my emotions away but I become tired out and low. But now if I displayed my emotions , I worried him.

I asked him which he would prefer and he said the latter.

I thanked HuaiHao for his wonderful teaching this evening and most of all- his showing support and his presence for me.

For a while, I thought I finally — did grieve.

The next morning the first question HuaiHao asked me when he woke up was, “ so did you get over it already? You have to release the feelings otherwise they will control you”

“ so did you?”

I told him it’s like peeling off an outer heavy shell and showing the me that was underneath and I thanked him for holding space for this process.

So much love!

Walking (ix)

Walking (ix)

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I was walking in the sun

Breathing in to my navel and sacral

Breathing in fresh air and releasing whatever anger pain frustration guilt shame there might be

And something wonderful came up

Be Proud Of Dad

For every time it hurt and shamed and pained me each time dad asked me for money

I suddenly- yes suddenly, know that in this persistence is an honor of a person wanting to fulfill his promise to others

If I recount properly, dad made a mistake out of ignorance and in that he promised to take responsibility and to take up payment

And payment has been for the last 20years at least – for as long as I know

This is not easy persistence or perseverance

Anyone else could have taken the easy way out to default

But my dad continued to persevere to uphold his promise and to make good his error

To right his wrong

If anything I should be very very proud of him and very very blessed and I want to tell my kids about this story of keeping a promise.

And with that line of thought, I asked the universe for help so I could dad in any little way I can to make him feel better

What If There Was Nothing To Heal

I have been thinking about this for a while. What if there is nothing to heal. If everything is happening for me and that I m guided by the divine always. And throat everything that I need is taken care of by the divine, it is about accepting and living with what I have.

And there is—- nothing to heal.

What would be I be. How different would I feel ?

Having this faith

Pent up Anger

Pent up Anger

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HuaiHao found himself having a sore throat and fever.

And I did what I did and bf did what he did. We circled back into the cycle and that got me really worked up.

I found myself shutting him out and off – for him saying the things he said and doing the things he used to.

I feel anger and all of those I stored up- each time the kid was not well he said the same – did the same- all of those.

I feel so pent up that I was dizzying away and I knew energies were imbalanced

Was tired out . I was almost shutting down and shutting off had it not been for the need to care for HuaiHao

I feel so blocked and uncomfortable my stomach area was not really digesting and today I woke up with my little finger numb.

If something is in pain or numb it means the circulation is bad and the flow isn’t ideal

As I walked – I just find that I needed to get out for a walk and to do some release,

And it occurred to me that pent up energies is stored there in the little finger. So I kept doing circulatory movements to get the flow

Kept breathing in and letting stale energies flow out from there

Was belching a lot

Yesterday somehow while I was itching and scratching at the keloids , it occurred to me that I had the tendency to harden and stiffen myself up each time I met with a not so ideal situation

To handle or manage a particular time, I stiffen and harden myself up clench my teeth to meet with it head on

And yes of late I realise I have been clenching my teeth a lot a lot unconsciously and I been doing my best to undo this clench

Hardening up and stiffening has been my modus operandi and my body showed that to me to wake me up in the form of the keloids the inherent spirit – because the body is a reflection of the mind!

Showing to me how I force my way out clenching my teeth tightening my jaws and body to fighting a way out

With this realization —-/I feel immensely thankful.

Thankful and full of gratitude to the divine and most of all to my body for supporting me all the while the way it did and doing the best for me

I want to change

I am willing to change

Nothing needs to be forced. No strength is needed to get things going.

I Release This Old Mode Of Living By Force, Of Driving Myself By Force, By Hardening Up Stiffening Myself Up

I choose to soften to go with the flow to breathe in to be comfortable with whatever life brings me. Because I know – everything is happening for me, everything I need is taken care of by the divine . And that I m always divinely protected guided and loved.

There is nothing I cannot do and everything is possible.

Om

Swiss London 22: Divine in me, with me

Swiss London 22: Divine in me, with me

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These few days traveling with dad made me see how real aging is.

Or how real life is, life that doesn’t wait for anyone .

There were so many instances or moments of negativity. And they made me aware of fear and doubt.

And they are opportunities to let me snap out and to choose a vibration or frequency that I want.

Lots of practice

And there is an emerging thought- to surrender and let it flow. Not control. To know that all is well. And to trust the divine.

I also have a lot of compassion for dad. A very simple man who has no tools or techniques or guidance on life or asking for life what he wants. He passively just takes everything in his stride. And to understand that life is destiny or fate controlled by the heavens.

I try to share with him what I learn on affirmations and manifestations as much I can.

I learned about capacity. And the capacity of myself that would be important. To build myself first —- and in such a way so I can help others.

When I did reiki for myself this morning, I heard myself say- The divine is flowing in me. In my hands and fingers. In and out through my eyes, my mouth my words, emanating from my heart.

Rest in the divine.

Dad is a kind man.

Swiss London 22: I trust the divine in me, with me

Swiss London 22: I trust the divine in me, with me

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It had been eventful.

Dad woke and pooped with blood. We headed up to jungfraujoch and he had altitude sickness.

It really pushed me to waking up. And indeed helped me let go of my pride.

Throughout the day, I practiced and learn to trust the Divine in me and with me. Qinzhi sent me prayers like this :

Wednesday prayer.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son , and of the Holy Spirit.🙏🏻
it’s wednesday father God. It’s the middle of the week, and just want to thank you for bringing us safety this far. For all who are struggling financially, mentally and physically, we ask that you would lessen their burdens. Sincerely heal their bodies, mend broken hearts, and find and make a way out of no way for those trying to take care of themselves and their loved ones. May they stay safe and happy and healthy. We praise and thank you in advance! We pray also for travelling mercies and protection from all dangers seen and unseen. Thank you Jesus! May you please continue to keep us and our families and the many families in the world covered under the precious Blood of Jesus. In Jesus’ name, I pray. amen. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. 🙏🏻Amen.

Swiss London 22: To where you want to be

Swiss London 22: To where you want to be

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We were on the train to Chur and we need a more comfortable seat. I said to sis that the guys to our right are leaving next. I said it so casually.

And they did leave the seat when the next station arrived.

Is this coincidence ?

It brought me to knowing manifestation once more

And to be mindful to it because it all comes back to us

How can we be responsible ? I mean, we have to.

I was so tired I went to bed at around 9pm Swiss time. I woke up at around 330am and the thought came :

To shift to where you want.

Where or what do I want. Us this trip to shift to. And the people around you will not be the same too.

My family at home. My family around me.

They are no longer the same as well.

I heard myself say to consciously shift to a place of love, laughter, joy, happiness, forgiveness, understanding.

And I thought about what I thought about- that life needn’t be learnt the hard way. In the laughing is the healing. In the laughing is the learning.

Like how we were all laughing on the train about the passengers who left their seat for us. And I did think about the trip as a joyful journey.

We can learn easily, lovingly, joyously, beautifully! We can reverse all processes!

I watched Matrix 2 on the plane and there are so many meaningful quotes one of which is: you can’t go back there, you won’t.

And I watched Shang Chi and one of the quotes were Shang Chi ‘s mother telling him that he gets all of what his parents give him. And it is up to him to make his gifts his, in a way that is him.

Traveling these 2 days with sis and dad made me feel grateful and feel somewhat carefree. I told sis I m grateful and that we must have done something right.

Sis is the one who is more expressive. She cares for him so much and flows into everything like taking pictures for him while I m slightly still more laid back . Writing this made me know I m still holding back

I remember in my sessions- I know that both sis and I were versions of mom who care for dad. And in different ways.

And sis is doing the opposite and she has shown me how easy it is to just be and let go

And the point I reach is: I m dad’s princess once more. Nothing to do.

The highlight of today is Glacier Express and dad was seated opposite me. While I can see that he is tired and old, I took care not to see too

Dad did my opposite and remarked that I have a lot of white hair and sis said I m already past 40. To which dad replied: time, so fast.

I sort of felt or saw myself as a little girl in his eyes. Always has been .

On the other hand, Dad is always thinking of me as a priority. When sis asked what he wants for dinner, he would say: I love veggies so let’s do a veggie place. Or after dinner, and sis asked if he liked to go for a walk, he would say- I m tired so let’s head home.

I am reminded that he the hubby brother and HuaiHao are the same soul sets. With them, I m always the princess . And healing each one, heals all.

I just couldn’t be natural or at ease. Rather than asking what m I still holding on to, I m seeing this as- we are already at ease. Like a photo we took while we had the opportunity to get off glacier express . The mountain range as our backdrop, we smiled so nicely.

In that point : I m dad’s princess once more. Nothing to do.

I am reminded that me the sister and qinzhi are the same soul sets. Healing one heals all.

Swiss London 22: On board once again

Swiss London 22: On board once again

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16 May

I woke up on 15/5 feeling tired and low on energy.

Then I understood: I had been seeing that everyone around me was experiencing some experience of a a physical event

Qinzhi was dizzy at school

HuaiHao was unwell and had a tummyache

Dad experienced dizziness and vomited

Bf had some kind of stomach flu that I didn’t know how to explain that turned him into soft jelly

the cleaning out everyone was experiencing was with me and for me and I had the understanding now

That I was cleaning myself these few months

I was doing it slow and gradual but everyone did theirs in an express module of sorts

Interesting enough , i drew this card

And qinzhi sent me this

And off I m with sis and dad on the business class trip of a lifetime

I remember thinking in the wee hours of the morning of 15/5 – I m so grateful for this trip so immensely thankful

It seemed even unimportant now what I want to say to dad

The most important thing is to have lots of fun happiness now and in the days ahead

I intend that this trip for us three will be so full of love, so happy, filled with so much laughter so much light and joy so much healthfulness all of us

Yes- ALL of us – are blessed so much any healing is automatic and complete or anything that is needed is healed

I saw the first—- well I would like to think it’s one of the very first rays of light when I drew up the shades

And it makes me know that it’s kind of silly we spent one month away doing anything but connecting

And why would we be at odds when we both have so much love for each other?

Looking out at the sky made me think this

I feel like laughing

And I want to and will be traveling with you very very soon, on business class to where we both will find and love each other so deeply again

Like when we are gf and bf

I love being in this seat looking at the fluffy whites and blue. It makes me feel really close to god, Buddha, or the divine and angels. I thank them all for the blessings and protection.

13 Years 2 Months

13 Years 2 Months

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Gifted Qinzhi with a raw ruby and a raw emerald and these seem to be the things she needed. And I shared with her the power of saying affirmations.

“I am willing to change”

“I love approve and accept myself”

She went on to do “I m the best in math in class”

and the miracle is she did in a short span of time. Before she was really weak and registered resistance when it came to maths

And now, she’s the best for algebra in class.

How amazing is that. And she is providing me with a mirror to spur me on. Motivating me to do the same.

This weekend, Qinzhi said she wanted to do a staycay at ah yi and this would be the birthday present she wants. And ah yi made her a nice breakfast.

Then popo and ah hui ah yi made curry and we happened to have bread so we did the dip.

And Qinzhi’s hair is so long now.

Qinzhi showed me how she dealt with errant behaviour of her classmate who disturbed her in class. And the way she did it was amazing. She displayed such maturity in her words and thoughts. I told her she is super awesome

Be well and happy Qinzhi!