Have you ever wondered? If you like yourself enough/ at all?
Bedtime with HuaiHao . And I told him about my meeting with teacher Stephan.
I told him it made me happy today to catch an old friend , teacher, guide and to have a meaningful conversation
I told him Teacher pointed out to me how powerful my mind is and that everything that I need is with me.
And he always believed in me in my power in my capabilities ——- more than I do. He said I had the gift of expression and I could express myself really clearly. His words were “you could pronounce them clearly”.
He reminded me of the importance of feeling and to just be just allow. To surrender and to trust.
He suggested that I recognize and accept my story and more importantly integrate it into my life. There’s no good no bad no need for judgement. Just me. He asked ‘what do you plan to do with them’ with these experiences? He said there’s so much I could give to the world and he is certain the time will come.
Did you ever think that you could do something with your experiences?
I told HuaiHao all this. And that teacher appreciated me for who I am.
And I told HuaiHao it felt good because he made me see that I have been too harsh with myself.
To which HuaiHao said, “ you have too high expectations “
We agreed we should cherish ourselves more and HuaiHao asked, “ maybe you don’t like yourself?”
What was amazing was that in the afternoon when I met teacher , he put that question to me too. He asked, “ what is it about pin yen that you do not like?”
I like that question. He got me thinking . Do I like myself? Did I subconsciously not like myself? What about ?
When HuaiHao asked me Thye same question I asked him back why he thinks I do not like myself. And the little wise one said, “ because you like qin cai qin cai ( meaning : careless about yourself)”
Like when I served them dinner and I would plate it nicely for them but for myself I would make do.
I always did. I always put myself last and my family infront.
And it was apparent to the little one that I did not take care of myself . To think he saw
I thought back again if I did not like myself in some ways
And yes- the times I liked myself were too little. Lesser than the parts I did not like. I was wanting perfection. I did not like parts of me that were not perfect not beautiful. I always wanted to “heal” them dissolve them. Like where the keloids are and these were kind of connected to painful times – maybe I haven’t really appreciated them for what they are . And- so much time has passed.
And I don’t seem to have integrated these experiences. Would the time be now?
And Qinzhi is reminding me that I m skirting the issue — with her dizziness .
A few days ago Qinzhi had another bout of dizzy frenzy and while I was worried and landed myself in fear, I took the chance to pause that moment and tuned in. I asked Qinzhi why she didn’t want to go to school and she said she needed time to do her work, she wanted to stay at home and be with me, and she was dizzy because she felt stressed
She knew it
And while I shared with her how she could bravely face it in her stride and be open to it all, I m once again reminded that I could also apply that wisdom to myself. Instead of trying to control and manipulate, did I stay open?
Her mode was to run into dizziness and how is that different from me?
At bedtime I told HuaiHao about this and the little one said, “you have to know that this is how everyone ‘s body reacts differently. Like papa goes in to his cave, I cry. Everyone does it differently. “
I asked him if he has any suggestions for Qinzhi on how to improve and he says , breathe.
And I get it. I get that if i want to be convincing and for my words to carry strength , I have to be that. Be open
That’s where the magic is
To open up to the present.
Teacher was sharing with me how he loved going back into nature and the moment he saw a bud blossomed. When he said this, I felt myself in the woods with him, I was also observing the opening up of the bus. It was so beautiful I teared and warmed up.
In that moment my heart center opened up and that was extremely beautiful and divine. Humbling.
That feeling was a great teaching in itself. So many lessons were learned , most of all what it feels like to be open.
In that a precious connection , first to teacher and to the opening blossom. And the world around.
And what is it I can do with my experiences?
Of late it’s been- a movie. To talk about it. Perhaps one way to get on with it, get through it is to talk about it, use it in whatever way beneficial to myself and others.
I can. I know I can.
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