Tag: Children

10 Years 8 Months

10 Years 8 Months

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Huaihao is almost finished with P4, and a big boy already

One weekend, I convinced him to walk with me, treated him to toast and eggs and chocolate and he became my helper when i did grocery.

I love being in the sun, and happy that the little one is with me in the breeze

MBS sent me mooncakes and Huaihao is channeling the foodie, he did a video to unbox and had fun tasting

And this is him doing my moynat a catwalk service

I love it when he comes to me at the computer, knowing i m busy, he would hug me massage me kiss me

I spoke to HuaiHao and told him I was feeling slightly down, and I like to speak to him and he is almost like a friend now. One day I told him i m feeling down and he came to me, sat on my thighs and hugged me close.

His words were, “ you can’t please everybody.”

Wow.

At bedtime, I asked him if I was doing alright for the interview and he went, no. After which he said, “ I take that back. I mean, so what if people don’t like you. I mean, what can you do about it? And what has it got to do with you? You got to carry on living right?”

And then he said, “in your books, your world can be square.”

I tried to make sure he knew what he was saying. So I asked.

”it means in your world, you can do anything you like.”

On another occasion, I showed him two pieces of my work and ask him to critique and he said of my original- people in business don’t need flowery language, they don’t have time for it and they just want to get to the point.

you don’t need the words and phrases the words and phrases need you

One night , we spoke as usual and I asked HuaiHao to give me an advice he feels like- he thought for a while and said, “ touch grass when you need to. It means take a break whenever you need. It’s important to take small breaks you know.”

HuaiHao slept next to me and when I came to sleep at 2am he was roused. He opened his eyes , cupped my face in his hands and moved to kiss me

I only asked myself to bathe in that love

Another night,

I used to ask HuaiHao how is his day when we lay in the bed and now I find it surprising that he is asking me that

I told him all about mine and the littlest things. Such as asking the COMO hotel GM to tell us about her after she gave us a tour of the property. And that was what I learnt from Cedric Grolet ‘s interview when he talked about his parents teaching him to value relationships and to treat others with respect

I shared with HuaiHao a quote a saw,

Afterwards we talked about my life waking up. He noted that a while ago, I was in a lull and not doing anything but now I am busy

Life kind of switched me on and we were discussing where I got to in quick time, interviewing Cedric Grolet and writing for SCMP and getting into the game again

Huaihao: So for this, you shouldnt take the elevator.

Me: What elevator?

Huaihao: So what I meant was, it would not work if you had taken shortcuts.

Me: But you always did that!

But it’s so nice to talk about this

And when I got busy at the computer, HuaiHao always came and massaged me kissed me. One time he shared this comic with me

I read it with him and laughed and he said that’s the whole point!

That was him letting me take a breather

And when we need total photos for passport, we totally enjoyed it

I love it also when I am out and Huaihao calls me to check on me. What time are you coming back?

And this is us going to gengyan jiujiu’s house and getting a home cooked meal.

One time we chat and its always about the cube of late. We spoke about the algorithms and I asked Huaihao how many he has mastered.

“You see mommy, I have xxxxx to do zzzz to do yyyy to do and I still have my work at McDonald’s”

“Huh and what is that?”

“It’s humour mom humour! Let me find yours back for you?”

Wishing HuaiHao lots of bright moments like these !

Bedtime with HuaiHao and Qinzhi (II)

Bedtime with HuaiHao and Qinzhi (II)

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I asked HuaiHao to feel me. And he says, “ you are tired. I don’t touch your head I also know.”

I asked him why does he think I am tired and he says, “ feels like overheating. You have too many things going on inside your head and the body cannot keep up”

It does feel like there are a bit more things going on now. Becoming a writer again for publications and wringing my head to make the most out of an interview

Looking and relooking . Reading and re reading. Editing and editing all over again the story I wrote until it feels like I cannot edit anymore.

For a few hundred dollars? Sometimes – tens of dollars? What is this really for?

Then we chat about other things and HuaiHao asked me to exercise and exert myself on an every day basis.

He reminds me, “ it takes months and years (to show the result), you can’t expect to run today and get yourself lean and muscular tomorrow.”

How did this little one get so much knowledge- no wisdom?

I told him how thankful I am to meet him and Qinzhi and to be their parent.

“It’s like if that sperm was 1 second earlier or 60 seconds later, it might not have been you or Qinzhi.” I said.

And we hugged.

That was the most important thing. The best part. The healing.

I am grateful. Thank you!

Bedtime with Qinzhi and Huaihao

Bedtime with Qinzhi and Huaihao

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I told Huaihao I snagged a chance to write for SXXX. And he went, wow!

At bedtime. I think I must have woken him up.

“Are you happy?” I asked? He said, “What do you think ? Of course I am! “

I told him my fears and worries. And he went, “Why are you discouraging yourself? You should be happy! Its SXXX! You know?”

I asked him why he thinks I have these fears, worries? And he asks me not to think about that.

“How many people can say that? That my mommy is writing for SXXX?”

That kind of got me. This did not cross my mind at all. But Huaihao pointed it out.

My line of thought went back to the time when we discussed impossibility. I told Huaihao how I got hold of this exclusive interview-and then onwards to this story pitch which seemed impossible as well.

The impossibility of things and doing something along those lines, kind of piqued me and motivates me.

“Do I make you proud of me?”

“You should be proud of yourself mommy.”

The next thing I did was to raindrop Qinzhi. It’s our precious time together. We chat about anything and everything, it was mundane and it was good. The littlest things are precious and I just love how Qinzhi opens her arms to welcome me in for hugs. It feels like I reached home. And I hug her at her legs while she does her dome.

If anything, spending time with children is bliss bliss and bliss. We get to see things through their eyes, their world-newer than our own perhaps. We get to experience things we might not have been able to.

The everyday is bliss. Often times we want to reach for the skies, and in that, we kind of made things we have small or at least incomparable. But if you know- how precious this is.

We all know what we want

We all know what we want

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I had a bedtime chat with HuaiHao and it’s so precious and enlightening all at once

He commented that I was tired mentally. I asked him why and he said, “ maybe you over did the job search”

Indeed, I was feeling tired and drowsy and I had a pain in my left shin. Dull aching one nagging at me

Why is my body trying to say to me? I asked.

Earlier on I had home for an interview, and I guess there were parts of me not being truthful with myself. I was trying to suppress some parts and that surfaced.

I didn’t really want some things in that job chat session and I wasn’t speaking my truth. I tried to suppress the feelings of dislike and make myself – no force myself to it in desperation to get myself out of the house

HuaiHao rightfully spotted my tired. I told him I was kind of frustrated because I have t got any headway as I went about sending out job applications

To which he said, “ then that’s because they are not yours.”

He made it sound like I should be happy.

And actually his sense of knowing is so great he put me to shame

He made me know that I got to acknowledge my feelings rather than suppress them in my frenzy to escape and get out

And HuaiHao stopped me and asked me – so what do I want

“I don’t really want to go back to full time”

“Yes I think you will feel very tired”

“I think something which allows me to do something I like, spend some time out of the house , expressing myself and my experiences, and if it can help others and is meaningful that will be very nice. Because I want to be home for you and jiejie, even if I don’t cook very well, I want to give you good food. I want to be the first one to share your joy if you get 100 marks for ting xie and spelling!”

And HuaiHao got me my answer.

He said that even heading to curate programs for wellness isn’t really me.

So I asked him what is me.

And he says, “ like what ah Mei ah yi does. Reviewing something upon receiving. That is what.”

And yes. Being an editor a journalist is what suits me best. And

I knew it.

Thank you HuaiHao!

And precious Qinzhi sent me this

Missed the bus, but hey

Missed the bus, but hey

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I did all I can at my best, prepared all the brews, breakfast and lunch for HuaiHao , did raindrop for him and headed out for my reiki 2 class.

Before I decided, the tired feeling came on.

Now that I journal, I just know—— it is not mine. But the husband is going thru his cycle. Unconscious to it .

All along when HuaiHao is not feeling well, he would stay clear and not be responsive. He would side step and I would handle.

This time too. But today as I was deliberating if I should stay at home or head for class, I decided the latter.

The hub has gone back to bed- a sign that he is switching off and going back into his old mode.

So I would make room, consciously for him to go through the process. What is different is that, as opposed to telling him what to do, letting him know what I prepared, instructing him as to how he should act ie to take responsible, I left after letting HuaiHao know what he can expect from what I have prepared.

I will leave my expectations somewhere there, with room for them to play it out. Rather, for the daddy to be guided by the son. Or rather, for the divine to set things in order.

For all that I need to know, will be revealed to me in divine order. And all that I need, is taken care of by the universe.

I see them breakthrough. And it will be different from the past.

And so it is.

I popped down and saw the drizzle and went back upwards to get an umbrella. When I went down the drizzle was somewhat gone. I feel light and reiki love outwards.

Then I saw the bus I was aiming for pass me by.

I shouldn’t have went back up for the umbrella! I thought.

But as I was nearing the bus stop, I saw the outline of another bus, and that is the bus for me. Less crowded. And I got the space and the feeling to journal this down.

Sometimes, missing a bus might not be that bad because a better one comes by.

Like what the Dalai Lama says, sometimes missing something is a blessing.

9 Yrs 2 Mths

9 Yrs 2 Mths

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Huaihao has grown even more in this last month, no longer a little kid, he is rounder, taller, fuller, firmer. His vocabulary improved lots spewing out words such as hypothetically, logically, don’t beat around the bush and lots of others. He gave me lots of riddles and asked me about how the Titanic sank, telling me about the third moon of Mars.

Irregardless, every friday we spend a day at grandpa’s and ah yi’s for good food. Here’s one!

At first, the kids observed how ah yi made sourdough crackers, then they started making it too. Needless to say what fun and fulfilment , plus bonding too!

Ting Xie or spelling is nothing regular when its done the Huaihao way. He adds all these cute doodles alongside the words.

Weekends are spent walking by the beach in the sun, then grocery shopping with mom. This day, Huaihao saw a rolling pin that might work for ah yi at SCOOP!

We got a reservation at Summer Pavilion and its always good there! Huaihao’s appetite has grown tremendously and he loves the XO sauce too! The fried rice is da bomb and he continues to have it at home!

On another day, we headed out and let the the kids have MOS Burger. Then grocery as usual and here’s Huaihao picking out a watermelon.

On another evening, we had dinner at Blu Kouzina—greek and then walked back o the beach barefooted in dusk

I love how Huaihao always teases me and makes me feel happy. Recently he asked for spaghetti and would dream up his own pairings such as a runny egg with seaweed toppings or ebikho! Palate is good!

And here is one goodnight hug which the boy needs.

To address how his eyes twitches due to excessive iPad use, Huaihao stops every 30min (when dad is around) and looks out far for 15min. This really did help him lots!

Before the school holiday ended, Huaihao wanted sushi and we headed out for dinner

We took the opportunity to shop for a present for grandpa and got him a replacement water bottle. We are celebrating Gengyan jiujiu’s birthday too and the kids couldn’t find anything suitable. Then Huaihao asked dad: “what does a man need?” Hilarious when mommy heard this!

Then they wrapped up the present!

And we had an Israeli dinner

before the staycay with ah mei ah yi starts,

Bedtime with HuaiHao

And I asked him how he felt seeing me at the school gate waving ferociously at him welcoming him ? And he said, “ you are the brightest star in the night sky. I can see only you.”

I was like—- wow.

But what he said was the truth. I could see only him too.

He asked me a riddle. And told me he thought of it himself.

“A captain was on a ship and he said hi. What was the name of the ship? ”

And he said, “ What”

Haha.

Then he asked what if we could turn back time. Can we?

I asked where he wanted to go. And he said, “ Redhill because I grew up there. I kissed the floor you know.”

He did that beautifully when we were moving out

And if I felt cold, HuaiHao would get up and tuck me in bed, the way he did it, he would tuck the blanket below my body and it reminded me of the way the kids’ dad did it for my mom.

It was a great opportunity to release the pain or at least, the discomfort I felt in my chest. It took me a few days to get that kink sorted out, but now when Huaihao tucked me in, I made the effort to tell myself, Mom must have been happy to feel the care and that is a past long gone. So many things have changed and we have moved. And now I m not Mommy, and this is my son showing his love and care for me. Thankful for the opportunity to release this.

13 Years 1 Month

13 Years 1 Month

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This month Qinzhi did something really new and that was to go out alone with her friends. While we have our concerns such as how would she navigate the public without us—- she has never left our care—— but I am reminded that if she belongs to the same soul set as me, my mother, she is equally if not more capable and all she needed is trust and opportunities to realize —- our trust and her own.

It feels great to connect this way to my inner wisdom

On weekends, we try to get the kids to get some walking in the sun

This week at ah Mei ah yi’s , the kids had a go at making sourdough crackers using discard. And what fun they had!

And it happened that ah yi scored a reservation at Summer Pavilion and we had a chance to eat there!

And qinzhi has been using the phone quite a bit of late and so much that she’s admitting that she’s having difficulty stopping

One evening during the March holidays, we headed out to Siglap and had dinner. Then we walked home by the beach and planted our feet in the waters

One day, HuaiHao had the spur of an idea for me to cook a runny egg on spaghetti. The result turned out great and the kids loved this!

Before the holidays ended, we went out for a meal of sushi as the kids wanted

We took the opportunity to shop for grandpa’s presents as the kids would have liked. They chose the present – a water bottle and wrapped it before making a card and qinzhi said she would be secretly putting the present in grandpa’s bedroom at midnight

The kids also made a card for gengyan jiujiu

And we took the kids out for an Israeli dinner to mark the end of school holidays

And headed off to Ah mei Ah yi’s for a staycay

I am reminded that this seemingly ordinariness of life, is not at all ordinary but a collection and an infusion of blessings and divine love.

I am thankful and so blessed. I love, approve and accept myself and all around me. I understand that this is all perfect and in the highest good in this point in time and that I m a powerful creator capable of designing my own experiences.

Much love. Om!

For Qinzhi

For Qinzhi

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https://www.zaobao.com.sg/lifestyle/columns/story20211126-1217194?fbclid=IwAR0UDtIawcWfOWHQFH9NSSOVGXXG-0XqdYERP_qNFQg3R4NdahBnKYjd4QM

Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.

On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.

I wrote this for Qinzhi

And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.

And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.

I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem

I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature

Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty

An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing

I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白

And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.

I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.

At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.

I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.

And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.

Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.

I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst

And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.

I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.

When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.

I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.

And so I release them, and myself.

Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.

I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.

Om!

12 Years 6 Months

12 Years 6 Months

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Its been a close to 1 plus months since we moved in and Qinzhi has been enjoying her own room, space is great, in fact Qinzhi is loving her own space. Once Daddy was working night and I invited the kids to bunk in with me, with Qinzhi couldn’t sleep, at the end she headed back into her own space.

Where once she needed us, now she needed her own space more.

One weekend, we woke up at 6am on the public holiday and headed off towards the beach, striving for MBS and Dad gave everyone a treat without us requesting.During which, he apologised to Qinzhi. He told Qinzhi about his story when he young and explained how because of those experiences, he was acting out of those experiences.

I was observing Qinzhi and she was on the brink of tears, but she sort of controlled them.

Another week, we headed over to the Jewel, finding east and the sun in our walk.

Yet on another weekend, we found rain in our footsteps and we had to be at ease and patient with the rain in the underpass.

On yet another we walked to MBS and had the kids’ favourite breakfast of fish burger. Another week, we picked up bento sets and found another outdoor area, then pigged in. It was nothing the kids had before—experiences like these,

There was nowhere to eat at but in the open, with Covid playing out and rules and restrictions in place. Still, it falls nothing short of a great experience really and I believe the kids will remember in time to come.

Qinzhi says, when the sun rises, you rise too. So simple so beautiful so powerful—— qinzhi’s captured the feeling of rising.

On a weekend, we walked to MBS but she went too quickly and in the midst of it, felt faint. I motivated her to walk to get up and go —- no matter how tired how strengthless how much she needed water

She stopped on the bridge and we talked. We saw the national day flypasts of the jets and we talked

Maybe in time, Qinzhi will remember or forget this. But we shared these moments together.

Meanwhile, I took Qinzhi to trim her hair. And while fear is in her habit, she managed to get past and let me know that she did like her new look.

I prepared a shower gel with EO for her and asked her to prepare a tag. She did this which I love greatly not knowing why

But afterwards realised that—QInzhi’s gone completely opposite of what I would do, where I was efficient she was extremely great at taking her time, when i pursued the best of results listening to what my Mommy wanted me to, she took it her way. When I did not treasure myself, she said this and reminded me to

And now I do, it’s about (learning and trying your best to remember to never let go of) appreciating and loving oneself no matter what.

Merry Christmas 2020

Merry Christmas 2020

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Huaihao taught me another lesson on the wee hours of Xmas day.

We were prepping presents for folks like grandpa, who drove the kids to school , for hui and popo, for Karyn’s dad who bought the kids presents on Xmas every year….

But in all the recent busying and getting frustrated over seemingly bad behaviour of the kids, we forgot about presents in stockings.

It was close to midnight and Huaihao couldn’t sleep.

HuaiHao: How does Santa get into the house mommy?

Me: You know like in storybooks? There’s always a chimney somewhere?

Huaihao (leading): When is he coming mommy? I am waiting and I cant sleep!

Then I remembered. Wherever is that recyclable stocking from Daiso?! We threw it away when we moved didn’t we? In our old flat, we would hang a stocking on the door’s handle and it will be filled with presents the kids wake up to.

Daddy would buy presents. Did he this year?

I suddenly realised how much presents in stockings mean to the kids.

Huaihao: Mommy, does Santa know we moved? What if he goes to our old house?

Christmas Day Teaching with Huaihao: Be careful what you throw. Especially the very things that carry hopes and dreams. We forgot about the presents in the dailyness of life. I didnt think Daddy remembered about putting presents into the stockings.

We forgot about how this all meant to the kids.

We forgot the magic.

And so, forgot to make magic.