有一种光
Tag: awareness
And the reason for my existence
There’s something in 14 Peaks that calls out to me.
Nims speaks out the very things we once harboured in our hearts, the very things we held close to heart and pursued like crazy because we believed ——— but afterwards lost them to the daily grinds
And coincidentally, I went back to writing my column yesterday. The piece of writing is slated for Christmas and the idea of light and love came up. My Santa is Mr Ng, who made me see the light each time I went to see him.
I started writing and re-reading just two posts —— every time after I visited, I would write down faithfully the contents of the the visit : what we discussed and exchanged ——- I cried so hard. The nuggets of truth and wisdom I fetched out from then, those visits stand true today. And they are still useful for me. I reconnected with the truths he shared with me and I saw how much I was appreciated as a soul. He taught me how to acknowledge and recognize my self, how to be gentle with myself——-always, before I knew
I miss my teacher and is calling out for him from the depths of my heart.
Then I watched 14 Peaks
The combination worked I guess.
I went back to 2016. When I had the idea of getting Nic to be a Friend of Michelin. And boom, I got to him.
How is that even possible? There is every reason it would be impossible.
In 100 years the red book has been in existence, there is no Friend of Michelin.
https://guide.michelin.com/en/article/news-and-views/michelin-unveils-its-first-friend-of-michelin
Seeing him on stage carrying out and expressing my belief—- that Food is made good with friends and in connection—— is impossible to describe.
The feeling you carry in the heart area is full and warm—— when you make the impossible possible.
No word can do justice to that feeling.
No amount of money too.
I went to bed. And got out of it in a matter of minutes .
I cut the quote on an upcoming video. If that could make the project possible, I will do it. The joy of making a video is impossible to describe too because that is what makes me come alive.
So I emailed the client with an adjusted quote and went back to bed.
And this morning, this morning when I woke and lay in bed, trying to be still. Beautiful thoughts and feelings came to me.
Those moments sitting beside the camera the frame, lights shining on the subject in front of me. The subject revealing thoughts emotions true to him and me feeling them—— because, with age, how different can we be. We run similar programs emotions albeit in different places and different points in life. We connect in the suffering that pain we all had a chance to experience
He or she might be talking about him or her but what I hear is about me. The moments in between —- working with what was released in real time, takes things out of me. It is work in process and expression at its best
That seat, right opposite the subject. Here is where and when I come alive . I live for these.
Why did I give it away so easily ?
The feeling sitting in that spot. I can’t wait to be back.
To use my gift and experience, to share light love hope warmth and delivering it my style.
This is my mission my purpose and the reason of my existence my being. It is why I am wired this way why I feel this way why I have experienced what I have —— all these were in preparation for me to do the work I am here for.
This is the first time I see things this way—— like a puzzle in place. A breakthrough and light of sorts—- i m wired this way because I need my strengths and weaknesses to do the work I do
And seeing this made me appreciate my experiences more.
I thanked my experiences once more and release all that do not serve me any longer —— out of my energy field , and I do so with much ease and grace, lovingly tenderly and I intend for them to move out at a speed fastest possible for my comfort and grounding
But more than release, I know for sure I would be able to use them in my work.
Mr Ng said to me: “you have always shared with me what other people say, what about you? What is your story? I want to hear your story. You should be in the frame.”
He saw the beauty of my beingness when I did not.
The reason and beauty of my being is to express. And when I do not do that, I could not come alive.
These two or three years when I left what I did professionally, a part of me stopped.
Where did you go —— I asked myself . And thank you for coming back. In fact, welcome back TPY——- I heard me say.
The feeling is the same that I felt seeing Nic on stage. The impossible had happened in a way to fetch me back.
And I could see now, how my guardian angels how the creator the source or god, has always been with me and in me———or else, how could I be here today saying this. At this time.
This time, it is the perfect time. Anything earlier or later would not have been.
And the magic in the essential oils —— Believe. And the affirmation I said every morning Michael Beckwith shared . He said to do it for a month and see what happens.
“I am available to more good than I have ever imagined . Let me co create a way of life with god that holds the insights and revelations the wisdom and intelligence that flows with time.”
I ask for support and all the resources on all levels to propel me in this direction of sharing my own light to the world. And it would be for the purpose of letting others see their own light and wonder.
It is Mr Ng’s greatest gift to me. He let me see the beauty of my light being . Always has been and will never go away.
And receiving that make me want to tend to this light I am born with privileged to bear and to share it outwards. To light another being.
Watching Korean travelogue “The Hungry and the Hairy” brought to mind that I once believed I was made for big things. I went to the best schools , had great results, was always ‘seen’ and ‘heard’. I made a name for myself. (Probably that was why I was so drawn to my ex boss SH, who also made dreams come true. ) But I gave up being big and decided to hide myself in small after Dad left us after Mom died. I hid my talents my wishes my purpose my mission along with those incidents. I stopped living me even if I m alive . Recently I had the feeling that I stopped myself when I left my last designation——- but now I realized I stopped myself even earlier.
No one else but me. I stopped myself from living my truth.
And I realized also, rather, I made the decision to not fall into another cycle of unhappiness with bf. I m no longer going to invest myself being upset. Been there done that. Enough is enough is enough.
I m going to live life devoted to protecting and sharing my light.
Is it any coincidence I woke up to these on 12/12?
For Qinzhi
Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.
On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.
I wrote this for Qinzhi
And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.
And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.
I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem
I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature
Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty
An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing
I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白
And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.
I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.
At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.
I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.
And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.
Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.
I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst
And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.
I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.
When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.
I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.
And so I release them, and myself.
Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.
I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.
Om!
The Horse and Its Rider
We change due to external circumstances, sometimes unwillingly unconsciously. But when we meditate, we are willingly and consciously—— asking our brain to change
Embodying the Bodhisattva Ideal : Khandro-La
Spent some time on sunday night on this wonderful talk by Khandro La whom I met in Dharamsala, India a few years back
The contents I have captured here, otherwise in youtube above.
Shantideva is referred in the Tibetan world: life-force of buddhism in tibet and the larger buddhist world
The Way of the Bodhisattva-by Shantideva
10 chapters,
1 line captures the essence: “May the precious bodhicchita arise where it has not arisen” and where it has arisen, may it not decrease and increase further and further
Sentient beings do not want to suffer, all sentient beings want happiness
Suffering has a cause, likewise, happiness has a cause
Happiness and suffering came through interdependence
Chap 1: benefits of bodhicitta
https://www.lotsawahouse.org/indian-masters/shantideva/bodhicharyavatara-1
if we don’t understand the benefits of bodhicitta it will be difficult to keep that intention
bodhicitta: inside the mind, inside the precious altruistic mind of enlightenment that has been tamed.
mind that has not been tamed is full of suffering
methods of taming mind is v important
we have (precious karma ) to achieve this precious human body
how do we make it meaningful
deep inside mind, there are untamed problems and difficulties, we need to see methods for taming our own mind, see how mind endowed with love, loving kindness is so important to tame the mind
examine ourselves to see the accumulations of merit and wisdom
identifying recognising and acknowledging suffering is v important
suffering comes from self centredness or ego fixation or conceptual mind of ignorance , ie a distorted mind state
distorted mind has ways of grasping and holding things incorrectly
eg what is impermanent is held to be permanent, gives rise to attachment and anger
what is unclean is held to be clean
what is not self is held to be self
all misunderstandings are distorted mind
subject and object are not seen in nature not seen for what they are, and gives rise to grasping and we have desires anger ill will dullness wrong view
with these it seems we cant find bodhicitta
ignorance or not knowing holds things as being permanent, real or true, substantial and holds oneself and others to be concrete and real
and what comes from that is suffering
at the root, we find this sense of self: me: what is mine is important
when we have a mind like that, our mind is very small
anytime our understanding is in contradiction to the way things are: we are in confusion
when we look at sense of self importance, based on idea that i m good what i have is good, eg my body , my, we cling, when we look at it in terms of its parts, we start to see the body as what it actually is
the body is flesh, fluid, bones, composed of different parts
as mind, we see that we are grasping to my body and give rise to afflictive emotions such as desire, aversion, envy, ill will, wrong view etc
if we see that our own body, underlying reality of our body, we understand that nature which is also the nature of reality, we come to understand if we use the body well, it is the best support for accomplishing what is truly meaningful such as omniscience, liberation,
grasping onto ourselves, self centred grasping , based on holding ourselves as the most important, most precious, this comes from self cherishing, and whatever happens, we want the best for ourselves
we need to reverse this tendency, ie cherish others more than ourselves
the way to do this is by reflecting: the number of other beings is unlimited and there is only one me
consider: myself and others are the same in wanting happiness and not wanting to suffer
doesn’t make sense: that gd things or anything that is desirable, why should I have this only for myself? in fact all of us want the same things such as praise,
so turn that around and self cherishing into other cherishing
this is taming the mind: reduce our self importance and self cherishing
our mind can become better with this
taming the mind: if we understand the way mind clings , ie all things we experience that holds things as real is not like the way we grasp, if we understand, we can destroy our own grasping and our mind can open up open widely to actual path of liberation that leads to omniscience
and all the qualities we wish for can manifest
then we can look towards enlightenment which means purified and expanded
when we understand that everything is not substantial and solid as we hold, we purify by understanding how things actually are, the our cherishing can be purified and exhausted
when this happens we can experience genuine renunciation
sometimes we may have a little bit of renunciation compassion from time to time, but it vanishes when we cling
when the inner mind that is experiencing outer objects are not established, we can have genuine renunciation then we can have authentic love for others and ripen into bodhicitta
important to understand that bodhicitta comes from taming the mind not just hoping for it or mere words or aspiration.
bodhicitta comes from equalising self and others
and understanding that the conceptual mind and everything we perceive is not substantial
same as realising the nature of mind: simplicity and beyond constructs
anything or what is based on cause and condition is not truly established or substantial
when can understand this, the sentient beings who wander based on their karma, we can feel compassion rooted in dharma arise
this understanding towards other beings is important
Chap 1:benefits of bodhicitta
Chap 2: confession of negativity
https://www.lotsawahouse.org/indian-masters/shantideva/bodhicharyavatara-2
Chap 3: Fully Adopting Bodhicitta
https://www.lotsawahouse.org/indian-masters/shantideva/bodhicharyavatara-3
Chap 4&5: we can have expansive and lifted mind
Chap 6: Patience
because of our distorted view, we have been wandering in samsara since the beginningless of time
when mind becomes vast it is because we understand emptiness more and more, and mind becomes honest
the more honest the mind is the more good the mind becomes
Qns: how can we be kind or feel altruistic or bodhicitta towards someone who has harmed us?
we are humans aren’t we, we can arouse our mindful awareness to try not to get angry
anger doesn’t benefit others nor ourselves
when we encounter a bad situation or condition, try to be skilful, we need to have some insights, can i change this situation. if we can, lets try to change it. if nothing can be done, we leave it and let it go
if we understand that phenomenal are not concrete or truly real, we understand that the grasping is the prob , this is based on ignorance or our misunderstanding, then we can feel compassion towards that person and see that he or she has fundamental misunderstandings about the reality
with understanding we can have compassion patience
Qns: what is the best way to help family who has strong afflictive feelings or a difficult time
if we can see and recognise afflictive emotions, its good
in general having a good altruistic mind is a universal right, its not about being a buddhist, its a birthright for all to be happy
but beings are caught in samsara: suffering and distraction can come at any time, towards all beings, we wish them happiness mental and physical and to go beyond suffering and to have liberation
this affectionate loving mind is so important to have and to receive
we do not have to hold on to the idea of a buddhist, just be honest, loving,
rely on the six paramitas on our path : our best companion on the path: we do not have to hold on to bad things done to us, bring forth view of interdependence and conduct of non violence and causing no harm
Walking
As I walked by myself —-with myself, the sea breeze said hello, the sun did too and the birds.
I cannot help but feel proud of myself
For achieving all I have. For letting go of what I have
So I could come to this path
Walking step by step with awareness
I thought of my early experiences, distant experiences and recent experiences. There were sounds, images, emotions coming up.
And I allowed them and liberated them with walking
I remembered the Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh . I remember a meditation he conducted and brought us to the point of inviting our ancestors our tribe to breathe with us w
And I, I just had to invite my ancestors my tribe my family my friends my colleagues and even people who have crossed paths with me in however minute moments whether happy or less happy ones—— to walk with me and to experience the present . And in that healing everything else that is not the present
I checked in with myself and felt lighter afterwards
The point is in awareness
And the intention the power and ability to heal is always there in each and every moment
So long as we will!
I had to say thank you to my husband, because amidst it all, he was the one to encourage me to pick and to do things I really enjoy
I thanked him for his support and the opportunity has given me , by supporting the family —- so I could walk at this time and to do the things that resonated with me
And walking is such a precious experience
I thank myself for the opportunity too, and to the universe and my guardian angels and dharma protectors who have always been with me around me
I want to become a better version of myself and I know I already have and is really for my next professional triumph
And that has come with honoring and acknowledging the experiences I have had with the people who have come my way
To walk each and every step with mindfulness , have the opportunity to free experiences and to experience freedom with no worries—- yes I have been tying myself to worry and fear for the longest time —- and walking with myself helped me see that freedom I could have without these all. Too precious!!!
Om ma ne pad me hum
Dad
Many years back I decided to celebrate mom’s birthday but that ended up to be her first and last
This year, because of realization and lots of mini awakening, I asked my siblings to order in for Father’s Day.
And, What coincidence
A few days later, dad had a pain in his heart area and went to A&E. X rays ruled out heart issues but a few days later , a CT scan showed blockages in his heart
Is it any more surprising?
No! Dad has been keeping too many things to himself and the blockage is as much an expression of his mental health
Yesterday dad called at evening time to say in a weak voice , obviously shocked, about what he has just heard
He said I will have to bring the kids these few days to n back from school
In that few moments I experienced crippling fear. Light and weightless all over, totally overwhelmed
No wonder I felt pricks in my chest area those few days too
I tried to be aware but the forces are too strong really
When dad went to A&E, a thought occurred to me : what would he be thinking of?
Mom —- was the answer.
And amazingly I had the WhatsApp conversation with Angie who pointed out that I needed to handle the fear that was trapped in my cyst
I was trying to, with awareness, with EFT tapping, it’s not easy , I tried to just observe them but I find my mind drifting away to look for other things
So I realized I didn’t really want to manage the difficult emotions
It’s hard work!
And each time I drifted to find something else I brought myself gently back
yesterday with all the fear, I was trying to keep sanity.
So much from the past
I tried to look at them.
I prayed. Thankful I have the reiki group and the sangha at Sasha and Ula’s end to reach out to
But there was still a lot to handle—— from the past! Why, ?!
So much from the past came flying back . They were what I blinked a blind eye to, not allowing not acknowledging not recognizing
Each time I observed fear I tell myself to use this time. Use it. Transform it to my advantage
Use it in support of meditation of my observing to sharpen my senses and to get to know my subtle body better
There’s so so much to know
I ask myself: what is the state or action I want to choose ? I can choose peace and stability over fear, an old reaction an old program
At the same time, there’s so much from the past! It sort of Wowed me. so much content that I m trying to observe and send my awareness to
I intend to use this opportunity to heal, to release all that have been cooped up in my cells in my system . I intend and release them
They can no longer serve me
I went for a long hug and bf patted me on the back. As usual, his advice is to take things matter of factly, without emotions and to be objective so as to solve problems . To accept reality of life.
The same advice from the past
But I think recognizing emotions and at least no shoving them away is so important
I tried to work internally on my own. I prayed to guru rinpoche to ask for blessings and healing and support to guide me every single moment
I used essential oils and they helped me greatly
I used releasing statements to support me
I asked the sun for support
I thought of all the things I learnt and tried to put them to use
I tell myself to choose a different reaction from what I used to. to set in a new program and have the power in my hands
What if I don’t have this past these experiences? How would I be now? I asked?
I remind myself as best I can: use this to transform and to release all the deep deep emotions stored away for these years
I see myself at dad’s bed when he has his spinal operation. That was perhaps my very first deep set fear, of losing of not being able to control
As the sun shone on me, I asked the sun to give me all the support all the awareness and wisdom I need , to heal my relationship with my father , to heal my cyst and all the fear and worry I have. To dissolve the cyst and all of the fear and old programs
I remember after putting down the phone with dad yesterday, the first thing that came to mind was, I want to forgive you . Please give me a chance to. I deeply regret all the ego all the strong feelings of anger and pushing him away and not letting him into my life all these years
I deeply regret this
What for? There’s no use no help to everyone around. There’s no help at all to my life but only detriment to it . I suffer the most bearing these grudges over the years
I promise myself I will try my utmost to practice awareness and to allow whatever rises in me. To not push away to observe to release
And Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s words helped me so much. Now I see why I had been given the opportunity to manage his instagram
I m reminded of the recent podcast Deepak Chopra shared. That all things events thoughts are rainbow bodies and an interaction of entangled light
If so let’s send light internally and also outwards even with this opportunity
And to learn to be space, to welcome experience without judgement
I journey with these thoughts on the bus to find dad. Trying my utmost to practice using this opportunity———I find the best is mingyur rinpoche or Tsoknyi rinpoche method . Relax mind , totally drop everything, just be aware . Whatever feelings that surface , just be aware , do not react . It will be released.
We all have been carrying the hurt the fear the burden far too long, since dad left us that very year and then mom .
The universe wants us to heal and to be loving to each other. Thank you universe. Please be with me, my dearest universe! to send me all the support awareness strength and magic I need.
What I saw at the ward gave me a shock. Wilting health and faces in dullness, dad’s face was rosy and pink I wonder why he is there
I spoke to Su, my reiki teacher who said to me:
There was a lot of golden healing light going through and surrounding both you and your dad last night and this morning.
This morning was particularly intense. The sense I got for your dad is that it’s very much tied to emotions he has not resolved (exactly as you said – keeping too many things in his heart).
In particular, something happened (or he witnessed) to him (nothing to do with you directly – you may/may not have been present) when you were 2 months’ old. That one thing seems to be like the cover to this current episode.
In terms of physical blocks, I could not sense/see any that was significant. It was mostly emotional.”
I told Su about the reflections and she said, “letting go and forgiveness. This is really really important for both you and your dad. The letting go, and the forgiveness.
You’ve already started – the first step is recognising the need to forgive and let go.
Before you continue, forgive yourself first. Then your dad. Sometimes saying it out loud really helps. Saying it out loud to your dad and to yourself – very important.
You can share the Ho’Oponopono prayer with your dad. Both of you say it together. Excellent if you can use YL Forgiveness EO at the same.
“I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
And I thank you.”
The Hawaiian tribes used to say this prayer (I think they still do) before meeting any other tribes etc and they would successfully avoid conflict.
And you can repeat it over and over. Do it for yourself (your dad too – for himself), then for each other.”
Afterwards I took some time by the beach, to feel the sandy and the seawater washing at my feet
And I felt so good instantly . Mother Nature’s healing prowess. I felt more stable so much more at ease afterward.
If anything . I believe the universe is trying to crystallize my transformation and upgrade.
Give me all the support and all that I need then , universe.
Intimacy with Breath
Its way past midnight but I see Deepak Chopra go live.
Technology is reducing distance to bareness, so long as you will. So long as you will, you can reach out, reach up.
Some lovely points i jotted down in the session :
- breathe only thru nose-make this an obsession
- become aware of your breath
- the breath is a mode of knowing, that knows itself, as the spirit both a sensation and a smell
- amazing things : breath arises and subsides so is this for every experience, every taste, desire, memory has the same evolution. But you, the knower of every experience does not disappear
- every particle contains space air fire water world, just smell gives you access to all realities
- breathing thru nose and being aware of breath there is intimacy of existence
- memory smell emotion desire are connected to olfactory—direct knowing thru smell
- atmosphere is your breath , my breath , breath of plants and microorganisms thats entangled that gives rise to universe, starts with entanglement of breath
- as you breathe thru nose, air gets purified. stimulation of the pineal gland involved with hormone and immune function, regulates heart rate, blood pressure
- Improve the experience of breath everyday
- true generosity comes from letting go of self importance
- breath has no boundaries
Bringing the rain in
It’s pouring
And I m loving it
I imagine the globe 🌎 washed and purified by rain
And it comes out of the rain, brighter, cleaner, happier
I remember when HuaiHao was smaller, I carried him to the window whenever it rained and I would encourage him to put his hand out to feel the rain
There’s always the smell of rain too
And today whenever I see rain, I always remember this little moment we shared and would be coaxed into putting my hand out as well
How beautiful to be able to smell and feel rain.
Talking to Your SELF
We talk a lot to ourselves.
It’s just how much we aren’t aware of that conversation that is going on. Put it another way, there’s too much talk going on between the unconscious mind to the body that we are not aware of.
I say this because recently I have started to talk a lot to myself
In the shower, when I used to be unaware of the chattering going on in my mind, now I am consciously using the opportunity to talk to my body or myself —- such as, may the water cleanse me thoroughly and dissolve all that does not serve my physically emotionally and mentally spiritually
And the content actually evolves
Like when I used to say please dissolve the keloid or cyst —— another day I went, “ let water clean away the memories that do not serve me any longer”
And then today it became’ “ let water clean this area of my body, I m ready to embrace the memories and use it to constructively to help people, lets dissolve the keloid”
These self talk and during the reiki sessions made me aware of how much conversation there can be in myself and how little I m aware . Conversely. How much more I can do to turn on my awareness and use these conversations to rewire or take a shot at programming myself in the way I want
And I think the process starts with being a compassionate listener to yourself
There’s too much to discover with the self
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