I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.
And it did
NOW.
Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.
Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.
And I asked myself why.
Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved
I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.
And the wind came.
I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.
I asked it to help me be in the now.
When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss
Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House
The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life
The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life
That was what the kpop drama is about
Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes
Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves
When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha
But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together
Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life
By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit
She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her
Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back
When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.
It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up
It was herself who cursed herself
“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”
And who brought herself into existence over and over again
Wow
Wow
Wow
And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”
The drama used an analogy this way.
Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her
He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness
And delivers the message that –
If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to
If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate
Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget
She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”
In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her
Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime
She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her
Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand
And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels
Ji Eum says she is happy
A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything
And four words- All is good now
And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won
Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back
Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone
I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out
If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now
Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara
So much pain misery and suffering
But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget
And rather hangs on in pain
The drama shows that there is a way out
And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate
Life is lighter and simpler
And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing
That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time
To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom
It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else
I look at myself in inspection
I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it
Thinking that this is the way out
But it is so wrong
Making peace with oneself is not like that
Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom
I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another
May all beings be well and happy.
I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife
I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad
And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “
Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole
My perspective led me to the reality of a pain
Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too
Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up
And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?
I tried to say “All is good now”
Yes all is good now
And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling
After our trip to Japan in June, we rested a week before heading to Taiwan. It was something we all looked forward to, as we had the chance to travel with grandpa, Ah yi popo and family. Our last trip out together was to Taiwan before COVID happened. And several years have gone by and things have changed.
I had stopped work for a few years now, Ah Xiong jiujiu is gone, the old folks have aged a bit more while the kids grew so much faster.
If anything, I am so grateful this trip happened and we had the chance to make memories together.
The last trip was a teaser because apart from Taipei, we only stayed in the vicinity of Taipei. This time , we headed to Hualien and Taitung, and got to admire and wow at the landscapes created by nature . This is Qing Shui Duan Ya,
we had a go at an aboriginal performance and saw for ourselves how the natives lived close to nature and revere nature.
We also went to an animal farm where the animals roamed around us. However, we are not that ready to pet them, the kids got a bit taken aback when they saw the animals roaming free.
What was better was the chance to wow at the earth’s geology at Taroko Gorge and I must say the geography of Taiwan is spectacular !
But the best treat must have been the visit to the night markets. It was what the kids remember because the last trip to Taiwan, they had the chance to play games and win little knick knacks at the night market.
We stayed at Eslite and the kids absolutely loved every bit of the experience. Before heading home the next day, we got a treat at Yang Ming Spring for lunch and Huaihao the foodie savoured every bit of it.
One tuesday afternoon, I asked the kids for help at collecting supplements at YL, and then we had dinner outside. It was a good deviation from the routine we had. And it was good spending time like this together
Then it’s back to our routine of weekend walks. Huaihao was ahead this time and actually fell. I was all the way behind and didnt catch him in time. But he told me he ran in tears to get help from his dad. I took him to breakfast hoping it would ease his pain.
One day after school, I took Huaihao out to lunch and is happy the foodie was channelled.
Fridays or saturday evenings are typically at grandpa ‘s and ah mei ah yi’s . The routine is to massage ah yi before we come home.
I love this drawing Huaihao did. Its full of positive energy and the eyes convey so much wit
What was really different this month was how much more Huaihao was singing, from Coldplay ‘s “Something just like this” to “Lucky” by Crash Adams and even to perfecting the cowboy strum on the ukelele
There was one day I was exhausted and super low in energy. While my mind ran amok, HuaiHao kept coming close to hug me kiss me – and I was conscious because I did not want to affect him. That night he insisted I went to bed with him because I hadn’t done that in a week. But Qinzhi was needing me to teach her math. When I finally had the time , I realised he did it for me. I asked him what would be a colour to describe my energy and he said red. “Red because there’s a lot of activity and also because you are tired “ , HuaiHao said. We discussed coco lee and I told HuaiHao I was shocked . Because she seemed so well and happy on stage. And no one could have any clue of her not being well.To which HuaiHao said, “ it’s like she is running away (from herself) “And I continued, “ to run on stage”And it’s sad that you have to hide herself up. And the topic of discussion switched to me and I said, I could feel the pain because I had done that before . It’s like no matter how I felt I had to do my roles as a mother first- suppressing myself .And HuaiHao went, “ but we are family mom. There is nothing and no need to hide in a family”
Wow. If this isn’t wisdom what is?
Another day at bedtime with HuaiHao
I asked HuaiHao, “how do you feel when you heard papa this morning?” He thought for a while and replied, ““ it’s like he put his hands to strangle me at the throat. I m still hearing it now.”
Another bedtime with HuaiHao and I told him this afternoon while shopping, I felt a blow in my system.
How do you feel? He asked
I said I felt shaken and after that tired. It felt like I needed to muster up all my energy to maintain alert and balance
And he said, why didn’t you tell me? and asked, why do you think you have this?
I said I was feeling disturbed about papa and told him how my mom used to rescue my dad and I kind of learnt that . But life is teaching me to- not . And also, some work stuff that is needing my attention gave me stress. And he said, do you really want to find a job? Are you serious about that? I get his emphasis, he wanted to say, is it worth it?
He said , there’s always a reason for coming here
I said: where?
And he said, “ and it comes to you not that you get to it”
Do you mean something like the meaning or purpose of life ?
And I had to share what I heard, in a meeting with young students, one asked the Dalai Lama
The highlight of the month was travelling with Ah yi popo and family to Taiwan.
Our last trip out together was to Taiwan before COVID happened. And several years have gone by in the twinkle of the eye.
Can I say we are just grateful this trip happened? And that we made some memories together?
we had a go at an aboriginal performance and saw for ourselves how the natives lived close to nature and revere nature.
What was better was the chance to wow at the earth’s geology at Taroko Gorge and I must say the geography of Taiwan is spectacular !
We also went to an animal farm where the animals roamed around us. However, we are not that ready to pet them, the kids got a bit taken aback when they saw the animals roaming free.
But the best treat must have been the visit to the night markets. It was what the kids remember because the last trip to Taiwan, they had the chance to play games and win little knick knacks at the night market.
This is san xian tai.
Before our flight home , we had a great green lunch at yang Ming spring
Then it’s back to our routine . And Qinzhi has been texting me in school too via the email with her signature hand sign.
Every time I get this email from her, there’s always a simple joy and pleasant surprise. Most of all knowing she is well and happy in school.
I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?
The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.
In simpler terms, I did not accept
That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.
If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.
There was a little spark I saw seeing this.
But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?
What if I had chosen another concept another idea?
What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?
What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?
The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.
To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.
Ran and saw a couple friend who once tried to get my help into their business, but it all fell apart on its own somehow. This happened perhaps half a year ago.
I must have tried many times to do a reconciliation of what happened , for example, I thought of the Dalai Lama’s words-that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck. Or things like, they can’t afford you. Or, this isn’t meant for you.
And so very suddenly, it dawned upon me in my run, that business cannot touch me. Or intentions which have the purpose of money making, can not yet touch me-no matter how much they do not seem so on the surface.
With that realisation, which reinforced the need for us to be still to receive wisdom- I went on to look at the things that I have dabbled in and somehow, went apart on its own after a while -perhaps because these are not in lined with my own intentions.
And what are my own intentions I asked?
I recall John’s words many years ago that my path is a spiritual one. And I thought of the time when I was at my highest, I was sharing light- not mine, but of others, things like honour, passion, love, belief, things like this, I was sharing these outwards in stories, videos.
And of late, the picture in my mind was just being with people who told me stories of their lives and how they created and keep creating magic and wonders-for themselves and others.
So what can touch me? I asked.
(ii) Caught in middle
Don’t we all? Do this or that? Choose this or that? Which way forwards? Every moment of choice when we deliberate over something. We find ourselves in a middle position which offers some form of resistance and challenge.
The crux is how do we use this rather than be sucked in the moment or feel compelled and becomes a reaction.
When action is really what we are after.
Awareness awareness awareness is easier said than done when we are under the conditioned mind, subject to the pinnings of yesterday, today, others, experiences.
Is there any way we can use the moment of choice of opportunity? Use it and make it literally so, so that we do not create decisions that land us away from what we really want.
I say so because of late I feel so caught. And it is giving me headaches because I am in the middle or have not taken a clear enough stand.
A part of me is still stuck in the past huh
Looking at it, I have been given so many opportunities to do something different each time this same thing comes up. And so many times past, I did the same, which birthed and consecrated this new event, and I am thinking so hard what to do-and it all happens in the background, its consuming my energy.
Buddhist studies helped lots, to let me know that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, the theory is enlightening and liberating. The question is how do we reconcile with the issue on hand? How do we apply this learning.
How can I breakthrough of this cycle I have been perpetuating myself in?
How can I get out ?
Perhaps, rather than thinking my way out, I could feel my way out. I want to transform this, transmute, this.
The laws of cause and effect was brought to mind in the buddhist course, if I want the effect of breakthrough out of this cycle, what causes do I apply?
The horoscope page I follow kept telling me to appreciate the now and not get ahead of myself
I kind of understand
And it suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should appreciate what I have – more
For sometime I got a bit caught up wanting to find work
Did I really know the meaning of that? Can I still handle office politics and unreasonable behavior ? Do I really want to be in office space?
Sis said- “ everyone ‘s dream is to do what you are doing now”
It dawned upon me then that all these while at home time just passed and I haven’t really used time constructively
Some have used COVID to start something. Like a business or something.
Am I being too judgmental and harsh on myself ?
And yet I am lusting after all the FB explorations put out by “friends” envying their experiences on social media. I can’t say I am not swayed at all when I see these. Why? I had the chance to embrace these things once
In the days at home, I have mended my heart. My relationship with my husband. I spent time with my children. The mundane things- but THE most important . Days are simple and there is quiet joy. I am grateful for these even as I write.
But can I really or do I really want to step out of them to earn some and be embroiled? The opportunity cost of earning a keep- do I want to entertain that at all?
Maybe that is why I wasn’t able to find something . Because I want to be here.
If not, is there any other way to attempting what I enjoy doing whilst keeping the time at home to be at a maximum?
There must be ! The only thing that would let me step out- is to do interviews , and with A listers to talk about life and how they made it happen
And there was this question asked: what is it that you believe of your own health?
I tried to ask myself that- how and why did I create the keloids the cyst the little hole in the gum and sensitive teeth
And I came to the understanding – in the deeper ends of my consciousness, I have been adversely affected by the times when my dad had spinal operation, when my two grandmas had taken ill, when mom was taken ill suddenly, when mom’s brother and sister passed on suddenly
That explains why I was also worried to go to the doctor
In fact when I was young, I already had a fear of seeing the doctor.
I was always afraid there was something wrong and that the doctor would find something
It was a fear that I remembered since I was young
And how did that come about?
Was that even mine to begin with?
Did I hear it from someone or did I pick up that worry that fear somewhere? The closest or the one that came to mind with gor gor who had a similar fear.
And writing this now made me aware that I had been carrying this for so long
It made me wonder how I would have been – how my life would have been different if I had not one once had an ounce of this ? How would I have been?
And the fact is bf always reminded me of that? He always said to me ,” there is nothing wrong with you at all”
Because I thought I was not, my body also made me these times
That was how I created what I didn’t want
And seeing this made me want to start a new relationship with my body my cells
And not first without thankfully greeting my body and cells for always supporting me showing up for me renewing me rejuvenating me and healing me helping me- throughout all the times
And I invite my body my cells to embark on a new journey with me- one that speaks of great energy vitality perfect health and miraculous healing
And one in which I can do anything and everything I like with full support and credit given by my beautiful perfectly healthy body
Start now too, you you you you you you and you……
I start by running, being aware of my diet, eating whole foods , watching and observing my thoughts, chanting, sending love and light to myself and others
What is it you can do to bring you to that ideal place of effect vitality and health- therefore: happiness?
In this month, the tooth fairy came thrice, once in ah mei ah yi’s house and when no one knew what to do, grandpa came to the rescue and helped shake it out
Huaihao excelled in the Rubik’s cube, solving the scramble in 38s, but he was also on a buying spree as his past cube purchases could no longer satisfy him
we also did a few tastings and had lots of fun having sweets
but the highlight was really the trip to kyoto. huaihao prepared a list of To-pack
and before long, we were on our ANA flight to Osaka via Narita. He’s so well travelled he is at once at ease in the cabin, and now that he is older, he can help with luggage too. He got a nice surprise when ANA shared with him little gifts, he got little wooden toy plane too. Needless to say, he loved the child meal on the plane.
At narita, i got them tokyo bananas
We headed straight to arashiyama once we arrived, got our car, the drive was slightly under an hour and whilst looking for our hotel, we drove twice on the togetsukyo bridge, and was so wowed by the strawberry full moon
then we headed out for supper and had kushikatsu. The next morning, we rose early and headed to the bamboo grove, the air was really delicious and fresh and song birds were everywhere welcoming the summer morning with lovely tunes. We chanced upon playground and the huaihao and qinzhi had some fun with the swing
Then we headed towards the river and curved back upwards along the shops before heading to Tenryuji- and the Shigetsu inside for a vegetarian lunch
Needless to say, we were all SO happy to be back
There were so many nice desserts we came across previously strolling the streets and so we decided to head out to get some, we had a matcha eclair , and ice pop and a namafu and dango! then it was time to head out of the city – we drove to Ine.
The village of Ine is one of Japan’s Most Beautiful Villages. The last winter we headed out to Gokayama and Shirakawago, they were also in the league.
Without much room to build between the mountains and sea, the villagers created this village right along the waters of Ine Bay (in Kyoto Prefecture), one of UNESCO’s World’s Most Beautiful Bays, and the 230 “funaya” (boat houses) that line the bay trace their origins back to the Edo period.
We had the opportunity to stay in one, and the beautifully renovated funaya had 2 levels of fun for the kids
Dinner was at a beautiful restaurant by the bay and there were lots of fresh catch . Huaihao enjoyed fish so much for the first time. Then we headed back for our cypress bath in the funaya! It was so good you could get whiffs of the elegant cypress as you enjoyed the bath. In Japan, cypress is precious wood used to construct temples.
What was eye opening this time at Ine, was the presence of swooping seagulls and beautiful black kites who glide and soar and come at food. One got so close it skipped just past Huaihao’s shoulders and scratched Qinzhi’s hand.
The next morning, we drove to Amanohashidate, one of the top three scenic spots in Japan.
For the record, Japan’s “Three Scenic Views” are comprised of Matsushima in Miyagi, Miyajima in Hiroshima, and Amanohashidate (here in Miyazu, Kyoto).
And Amanohashidate is an iconic land bridge that straddles the Aso inland sea and Miyazu Bay which connects to the Sea of Japan. The land bridge itself has thousands of pine trees of all different varieties with beaches on both sides spanning 3.6K. From one of the scenic overlooks, you can get a unique perspective of the scene by looking upside-down between your legs. The sea and bay reflect the sky and the pine forest turns into a winding green dragon crossing the heavens.
After lunch of more fresh catch, we took a ferry to the other side, or the Kasamatsu Area (far side of Amanohashidate land bridge). The ferry was amazing because the seagulls and black kites were flying right above us to get the crackers passengers fed them,
We did not visit any temples at this side of Amanohashidate but took a chairlift up the Kasamatsu Park, to get an overview of this area. The kids had some fun bending down and looking out at the viewpoint then we took the chairlift down and strolled back towards the land bridge. In the midst, taking a stop to feed more seagulls and black kites, while taking note of some spectacular pine trees
The stroll was an easy one and we walked back to the Monju side and treated ourselves to more japanese sweets!
Before long it was dinner time, we did not have the foresight of reserving for dinner, and a lot of places could not take in more reservations. We walked to a few opened restaurants but all of them were full. So we had to drive out to Miyazu and dined at one of the restaurants in a shopping mall.
The next morning we headed back to Kyoto via Miyama, a quaint village of thatched houses. Kayabuki no Sato is the most visited attraction in Miyama. Almost the whole village is composed of old thatched houses and is carefully maintained as a cultural heritage site. But the kids did not want to get down, so we only drove past! So we only checked out the shops and had ice cream before I did my usual round of checking out farmer’s markets!
It’s unbelievable that produce is so affordable in japan, a cauliflower or broccoli costed maybe just under $2. And a bag of potatoes would be a dollar to two. It felt like people ate well and really close to nature.
Before we knew it, we were in kyoto, I managed to get a reservation at a ryokan in kyoto and we could do the onsen.
Dinner was spectacular at Warajiya, which served only unagi porridge and soup, something more homey and comforting. And it was rainy that evening in kyoto so all was good.
The next day was spent wondering around town but first heading to Kiyomzudera temple then shopping our way pass Sannenzaka and Ninenzaka towards Gion.
Huaihao had a first experience drawing a lot, and he got an auspicious one!
Then we strolled the winding narrow streets of Sannenzaka and Ninenzaka towards Gion. There was so much to explore, and to eat here. We popped into almost every sweet shop and had so much fun seeing how matcha was reinvented into flavours with contemporary flair.
We actually found our way at Okutan Kiyomizudera, an institution serving tofu course. And we had to, just had to pop in for lunch even if we were not at all hungry.
And a short walk after and we were soon at Yasaka shrine and Gion
We headed in , paid our respects and came out of the Shrine into the 1km-long Hanamikoji Street, Gion’s most famous street, lined with machiya (traditional townhouses) which have been converted into tea houses and high-end restaurants. A notice here reminded that photography is not allowed.
Even if it felt like we ate a lot, we still had kakigori when we took a little break
Then dinner time came. We headed for Nanzenji Junsei and had another tofu course. The nanzenji junsei restaurant is set in this manicured zen garden which was so beautiful it felt like there was so much to derive in every corner.
And before we knew it, we were in the last 2 days of our trip.
The first thing we did in the morning was to head out to early lunch at an old soba restaurant- Honke Owariya which supplied to the Imperial family before strolling to Nishiki market, there was even soba wasabi mochi!
We headed to Nishiki market for a stroll but before long we felt like its time for dessert! And- at Saryou Suisen, this Kyoto based traditional teahouse, cafe and shop specializing in Japanese matcha desserts serves really high-quality desserts. They claim to use only the freshest matcha directly harvested from Kyoto surroundings. So we had wasabi mochi and a freshly made hot version with tea, while the kids had cold sweets.. !
Then we shopped the kawaramachi area and had a very good unagi rice for early dinner nearby at Kyo Unawa
And Huaihao was so adamant to find his rubiks cube he really found some, even if they were not to his liking. In the afternoon, he found some at Tokyu Hands, and when he did the unscrambling, fellow customers were so wowed. Then he insisted we had to take him to shopping centres, which we did, but he couldnt find anything,
even when the shops were closing, he just walked into a mall and found a toy store-and in it, rubiks cubes
He is showing me what could be achieved if i had a clear focus in my mind, if a child could do it, so could I
And I just marvelled at this teaching he delivered. Of all places in kyoto, he found the things he wanted. He just didn’t buy them because they were not good enough for him
The last day in Kyoto, we checked out early nad drove to Kurama, and did the kurama kibune hike, for Qinzhi and Huaihao, this was to get to the nagashi somen or flowing noodles that were characteristic of summer.
We were all actually taught a lesson each by Mt Kurama. Huaihao had a leech on his little finger at the start of the hike -a leech is quite difficult to let go of once it attaches to you, so he had a scare. At another location, Qinzhi slipped and hurt her bum and we had to make a stop.
But all was good, we had a beautiful yuba rice lunch once we got to kibune and then drove to kansai and headed to Rinku premium outlet for last minute shopping before heading to the airport for our flight back.
And before we knew it we were packing for our trip to Taiwan with grandpa and popo ah yi! But first, a trip to Gengyan jiujiu’s house and he cooked us a Tachiuo donabe and we had a feast of durians! Huaihao took the chance to show off his cubing skills of course!
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