I l-o-v-e love love this quote by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami.
He says, “ I always thought that people grow old gradually. But no, people get old in a flash.” Aging did not come from the first wrinkle, not the first strand of white hair but from the instant you give up on yourself. Only people who do not give themselves up, not find old age. Aging might come in numbers but not his or her aura. The heart of a child can stop one from growing old.”
Getting old in a flash—— I can certainly resonate with that.
As I read this quote, I recounted how my heart hardened in an instant, how I coerced myself to do things that might not be me, how I bit my teeth and forced myself into positions.
In a flash certainly.
So much journey so many experiences, processed in my mind —— in a flash.
How old have I grown in a flash?
As I saw these flashbacks, I want to offer much love and light to the girl who grew so old so old in those flashes.
But I look at my face.
It does not give any clue to what depth and breadth of life’s experiences I have gone through.
So many times I have done interviews with top CEOs and talents in their respective fields and they would talk to me in a condescending manner. They were obviously disturbed a young girl like me would be sent to speak with them.
I hated their look.
I m older than you think —— was what went on in my head.
But now, I love my face even more.
Huaihao always holds my face with both hands when he is drowsy and about to sleep and would caress my face.
I love how his small hands fit and hold me together. It’s almost like my brokenness instantly puts itself together.
That’s the power of his little hands.
I remind myself to be a better person and to do better because I have him and I want him to be proud of me
One of my teachers used to be a medical professional before she gave it all up to move into the complementary modality space. She says with exasperation of the current situation, “…the things we can do now are – eat healthy, exercise, get good rest and wash your hands – which you should be doing all the time anyway!”
Simple & wise. Fear constricts and love expands. All this shall pass and we will get through this together, Yen
We had our Shangri La staycay and Qinzhi had hours and hours of fun at Bud. We rarely have buffets, maybe once in a year and Qinzhi had hers and got her rights to eating what she wanted.
And just now when we had raindrop, Qinzhi says that she likes the stay so much she wants to go back again. And is looking forward to staycaytioning.
And we just finished raindrop and had our chat, it was so good, I hope these are the littlest memories that will warm Qinzhi in future. And just recollecting these will warm Qinzhi immediately.
Reiki-ing as usual on the bed and suddenly I laughed
So silly of me
To use my time to be angry
When I could use it to be happy, to contribute, to better myself, to heal, to commit to happy meaningful things that could do good for myself and others
Hahaha
And at the navel spot I ask for all the light and love for my navel and belly. It has been a trying few days. So it needs love and light.
And I thought of the motherly connection at the navel.
Me with my mother my grandmothers me with my daughter. Our bonding.
And I heard myself saying- for all the womenfolk in my tribe who have been leaders for the good of this tribe
Who gave of themselves physically emotionally and in every single way they could have
they gave it their all
But sacrifice they did and they did not receive the love, respect, recognition and acknowledgment in good time
Always after they are gone and they go too soon
As I invite light and love into my navel, I invite light and love to be showered upon them too, these fearless giving womenfolk who fight times and realities with all their might , without prioritizing themselves first
And….and I see them smile in my mind
They didn’t mind the sacrifice and will do it all over again they seem to say
But they would have felt so much better had they been loved and showered as much and received loved in reciprocity
I thank my intuition and the divine for letting me have the opportunity to do this
And also to learn from their experiences:
– how we can give fearlessly by first taking care of ourselves so that
-We do not repeat them
Such a discovery, a message to remind me to learn to love and honour myself and appreciate myself before anything else
And how do I do that?
So that I do not repeat them
And in the reiki, I became aware that if I laugh they do
If I cry they do
If I m happy they are
If I m sad they are
If I heal they heal
We are connected in time and space even if they are not here physically anymore
I have so many suppressed thoughts I want to lash out it is making my stomach bloated and full. And they are making my breath flow in a difficult manner.
Sometimes I go ahead and breathe, other times, I take in air slowly, gently working with what compression and constriction I have.
I like the latter way better, the inhale feels gentler and I feel my tummy balloon. Whereas if “I just breathe”, I feel the tummy area tight and taut.
Not bad at all TPY, even in these unsettling moments, you are learning to find some balance, trying to work it out.
So I hear alot of these voices when I m alone. It’s like I can only let them out when I m alone.
In the bath.
When everyone else is asleep.
So much anger contained and compartmentalised into these little pockets of small spaces.
When I brought the kids to Great World City, I saw these and it reminded me of the way I compartmentalised my emotions, keeping them in wraps in these pockets of space and time.
But I like seeing how the colours are detailed, each one has a name of its own and it makes me want to pinpoint with awareness the feelings I feel. That which it is, exactly. Nothing more nothing less.
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And we r not talking yet.
This gets on my nerves. And when we sit near each other I feel like I m about to explode.
Almost as suddenly, I realise, that power is not mine. It’s his energy.
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I can’t breathe well
I m bottled up I guess, so many things I want to thrash out. But what’s the point? I have tried talking and it just makes things worse.
Yet I cannot keep these things down. I like a clean slate, I like to be carefree and without things on my mind unsettled. Like Huaihao, there should be as less attachments or stuff bothering you when you retire at night.
I m torn between lashing them out and using this as an opportunity to practise awareness
Its tough! and I promise myself I will not give up easily because I can breakthrough this!
So when I do my reiki
I come back again to my breath, Just me, and breath.
How wonderful to have this breath!
I use my breath a lot on my body these days
Relying on it to cleanse me nourish me fulfill me comfort me
Love me
In the places I need it, like when I feel knots in the tummy, or to my left shoulder wherever I hurt it, I didnt know.
Thankful, so thankful I have it, and I should say, have the awareness of it. And for intuitively working with it and employing it.
I send it to my head eyes ears wishing they will see n hear beauty
Then my neck my shoulders thanking them for the support
Then my heart
My thymus keloid my liver my pancreas my stomach my intestines my cyst my navel my keloids my knees my ankles
And I could feel so so much energy flow
As I breathed three deep breaths into each part I intend for the breath to shake things ups there to open up to resolve to dissolve
Thankful for this self healing opportunity and ability. How would I be if I had not these to support me?
It’s so hard to keep sanity balance and peace, but as always, I know I have been watched, from angels above who want me to be well and to persevere , I know when always, always, I find things along the way to remind me
Like this I saw as I walk the streets
Like an answer from above, sent my way, it came when I lifted my head – lifting my head has such powerful symbolic meaning and it seemed every time I lift mine, I find
So I find, “one step at a time walking the way to stillness”.
Stillness!!!
It simply means—–Remember to practise TPY!
We can all give ourselves the beauty of a pause, some form of stillness. Yes I believe so, and with awareness, in stillness we arrive, we ‘ll find. We’ll see and hear things we would never have. We can be in touch with intuition. And use that to navigate our lives.
And now, how do/can we keep still? Amidst all the frenzy, pain, unsettling moments?
Like in my own case, how do I find peace with so many thoughts floating in me? When my breath is not settled and at peace?
How do we change pain into beauty how do we transform?
Where is the point for change or translation and transformation?
I find myself asking.
And in my massage session today, the masseuse is like another angle the divine planted, “要自己保护自己, 别拿别人的错误来惩罚自己, 多出去户外运动”
My tears almost flowed. Her words comforted me so much I m feeling so pained so much pain all the pain, I have to gasp for air
If I let my emotions flow I would have been crying in exasperation
It’s as if I m going to break apart.
But on hindsight now as I m writing this, I know, this was for me, for me to air my emotions.
I had another whatsapp message with Stephan which brought me into balance. Just airing my thoughts made me feel so good, so I think what I need is space.
I just need to flash them out, for my own sake, yes.
And I thought of one thing, I need to use my emotions on something. Writing like this is one. But furthermore, I need to deploy them, make them work, like in art or music, I need to USE them. That would be a way out.
And then I came across a post I wrote a while ago,
“I used to feel very helpless when i cannot advance in my conversations with my bf. Each time I try to talk, he lapses into the old. I get upset and angry with myself. I get impatient.
But now, I think I m clear. We are operating at different frequencies and there is a gap. Till the time he opens up, I promise to give myself the space the time the open-mindedness, to use this opportunity to practice. It doesn’t mean that I am at fault or should take it out on myself or take the responsibility for this.
And until he arrives, I will patiently wait. I think giving space to another is one of the biggest gifts or love we can have onto another being.”
Are you that wise TPY?
Try again
And I will.
Stephan says “As mentioned before you are a powerful, intelligent, successful and beautiful woman, he is very, very lucky to be your husband and have you care and thinking of you. This is very rare!
Extremely rare.”
He is forcing the ends and the limits out of me, getting me to be utmost creative, thinking out of the box, connecting me with my breaths and my intuition.
I will try. There must be something else I can do.
How else can I encourage new thought and behavior unto myself?
Patience TPY!
I need to change the energy pattern. Rewire.
But for now, “I lovingly forgive and release all of the past, and choose to fill my world with joy, love and I approve of myself.”
Above all, it’s about being at peace. Being able to find that spot of balance amidst all the fluctuations, the swinging ups and downs.
Where is that place?
I can surely find it
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I got a message from Stephan who let me know a bit more about the keloids.
I got it from a cut and then things started coming out. When was it, in my early twenties, when my survival was challenged at the max, when I experienced my parents leaving our side one after another, both are choices they made we had to bite and chew in, like it or not.
I told Stephan I really wanted to find out what was causing it, and after discounting food, I ate very clean already, I could only guess that its stress, anger and emotions causing it to be inflamed.
But I did not really see the connection, until he spoke about externalising emotions.
“They try violently to surface to be notice, even piercing through the armour.”
When I had to suppress or press down, when I had no time for them, when I wasnt prioritising myself not even (wanting to) see them, they came out another way. Something like this.
Talk about eating spring vegetables and their springing out of the soil, with what might they have.
Thats me, no matter how wrecked I have been, I spring back up. I guess my emotions have the same streak of resolute too. Why, they are me!
And so the lesson is to see and hear them. Not suppressing not managing situations but in the process, not giving air and recognition or acknowledgement to my self.
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Huaihao’s beginning to put his hands on me.
That day I told him my left shoulder is hurting, he immediately placed his hands on me and sent me some “pinky love”.
I took the chance to tell him about the magic and the power our hands have. So in the event of need, and no one like mommy is around, he can always count on himself to address the area of need, simply by just putting his hands and feeling the “ball of energy” and sending pinky love
At bedtime, we had a little chat and I told him how much he mattered to me. How grateful I am to have him and Qinzhi, and he says, “I m thankful too, mommy”
And he put his hands out to hug me
No, I think he would never know, how much motivation, energy, consolation, love he has given me to spur me on. He is my constant reminder to look for a new alternative, new ways of doing things, new attitudes or perspectives.
So I actually bought him a Lego in Osaka on my last trip and I really hoped he liked it. More so, I wrote him a note, to tell him how precious he is.
Before sleeping he plants these soft kisses on my cheek many times and I would smile. In the morning when he awakes he does the same and would be happy if I smile
I was trying to do some reiki as I lay down on the bed and I thought of my fave—— cupping both ears and I wanted HuaiHao to do that for me.
Before I knew it he had his little body on me and it feels like doing me a full reiki
And every bit of it came through me and out from my eyes and he asked—— why are you teary?
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And I fall between awareness and out of it.
When I am aware I tell myself to use this opportunity as another chance to practice to better myself to find another way out
He is forcing me or the circumstances are forcing me navigate using what good energy I have to draw every single inch of awareness and light out of what I have, making me break boundaries and bring out the best of myself
Other times I m crazy angry and feel the depth of pain
When I was showering and looking at the water, the anger in me rose . I heard myself say all the things in my mind .
Then I realized I have confined my innermost thoughts to certain times and places like in a shower or when I m alone
I do not really allow myself the space to be with these thoughts whenever I liked but it was always whenever I could
So they came out all the same but in the form of toxin released through the skin
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At the spa at RC
And I had to ask mom, my paternal and maternal grandma and my husband’s mom, what can I do to make my husband understand me or how to wake him up?
And I realized all these womenfolk just gave of themselves in their marriage and suffered in silence
There was no one to turn to to air their views or get help or just, rightfully claim their views. They were always subjugated to a lower level than their husbands
And I realized I have to chart my own path and to decide on my own. To find my own way
Not theirs
It’s my life
And what do I do with someone who doesn’t love me appreciate me respect me?
Why do I even want him in my life?
I thought about all the silly things that ran through my mind . HuaiHao’s cries and left to his own when he falls or needs help, Qinzhi’s seizures, my own health….
All these things don’t wake him up. And we should be conscious not to use ourselves or risk our well being just to wake another up
We have to always tend to ourselves and prioritize ourselves before anything
And as I used the water jet in the spa, I used it on my back my shoulders to wash it of any burden trauma pain hurt that might have stayed there
I saw the orange lit water sparks in the bath so beautiful, I learn to cocreate with it and to wash myself
And I promise myself as I step out—— to offer myself more space to air my own views and emotions
They are too too important to be let down or hidden
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I hear another voice
They are all voices lashing out at my husband and I say to them
I acknowledge you
I have given them space in my own world so they needn’t be suppressed
I must have kept asking myself what to do? What else can I do?
And the answer came to me, in a next question——I asked myself what is important?
I am important.
And unlike the past, when I was attending to everyone else but me.
Unlike the past when I had to juggle many things at one time, I choose to do one.
I can only do one thing at one time, properly. So heal first, devote myself to healing first.
And the answer came again, thru a delivery boy, I had to bring forward an organic box delivery which he helped me to. I thanked him for kindly helping and he said—-
“We only do what we can”
How awesome. Yah right——If I can’t even breathe well now, why do I even bother about other things? Other emotions? Others needs?
As I carried these bags I want to go back to the times I carried the heaviest things and did not feel anything
The weight of my father’s debt
The family’s survival
My new work and it’s demands
My siblings
Being mother or anchor to my family
My own life
I actually want to go back. Ha
I want to go back —— to offer lovingly, sunshine, wind, rain light to that girl who has hardened up and chose to take everything on, out of love and responsibility for the family —— and yet, is angry at herself
I want these elements of nature to support her heal her listen to her caress her love her hug her
And I saw her hold up her head and nod—- feeling more ready and supported ——- even if the burdens are still the same.
She knows she is supported greatly
And as I m typing this in this bus, I saw a globe of orange
The sun on his way up
So magnificent I want to cry
So beautiful
And I m here to witness it
And I have the chance of experiencing its power might and light ——— after all
I want to soak up all its goodness all the light all the wisdom it embodies
I want to gift it unto myself
And because of these little changes I have made to my life, everyday becomes a practice. And everyday you derive different understandings from the practice. Like a distillation of sorts.
And today I realized how important Stephan’s sharing is: On the part of Guan Yin
Having her and many versions of her on my navel- the symbolic significance is that I m a bodhisattva
Without being arrogant or prideful , this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are saying
Everyone is a Buddha
And CAN be a Buddha when we realize the essence of life
Emptiness
And emptiness EVEN AFTER all experiences, pain, suffering, happiness, exhilaration
Or the willingness to become like an open empty vessel again
Finding peace with oneself with others with life
Remembering this, just knowing what Stephan said of the guan yin at the navel gave me a lot of power and strength
That I should use it to motivate myself to greater good
And never give in give up easily
To always seek out another way another way another way ——— there must be so many
That I m more and can be more than what it seems or I am now
It gave me a powerful shot of wisdom in an instant and can guide me to making all the big and little choices in life
Knowing that she is listening to me
Supporting me
WITH ME
And makes me want to work harder to realize myself
Like —— wanting to model after her and be a better tpy
Truly shiny truly peaceful and joyful at heart
914am on a swing Telok Ayer:
I just had a back bend yoga session
And in the midst of it
I actually felt like crying . Feels like things are surfacing
Pain and suffering actually.
Could have been the Heart Sutra Mantra or some gatte gatte prayer they played in the background as we went through the poses
The instructor is opening my body up and a terror really.
Now as I write, I know why! Well the force he is using to open me up in yoga poses, made me KNOW all the force I applied on myself and
I just teared up
I couldn’t and wouldn’t even know how much a terror I was onto myself until now
But in the session, I want to open up and I did, amidst all the pain
It was a nice experience feeling yourself being lifted and pivoting on the navel
How much support has it given me all the while without me realizing
It’s terrifying to do an inversion even if you are on the ground and you are just bringing yourself backwards
I feel like I m only supported by my head and I m not balanced and any other movement will have me break my neck
I tried to look into the instructor’s eyes and to find trust
I couldn’t bring myself to
And I kept asking him to put me down
Bring me back
I say I m falling and he says no: “You are just afraid”
And I remember Stephan say, “do not be afraid, have no fear”
Then my thoughts drifted to yesterday, I have let some crockery to dry on the stove and my husband got so mad he said stupidity comes out of this.
He had told me that water not be put on the stove, because in fengshui, water and fire should not clash.
But what’s the big fat problem with leaving some dishes to dry on the stove?
I tried to explain that I have always let the dishes dry and in an hour or so after being air fried by wind, I would put them on the dish rack
He refused to listen and said, stupidity comes out of this.
I think my tears were coming out of every single body part, but I cannot let them out at that instant. Why? My kids are with me. Huaihao is close by. Can I let my temper out like he did?
I choose not to.
I acknowledged my anger and later I knew, they were not just anger but hurt.
I m disappointed beyond words
Yes it was a moment of anger no doubt on his end but you do not do this loving and appreciating and respecting a person
And what do I do?
My divine, what do I do?
I went to him to ask for an apology. Then the next day, I lashed back at him.
I did not disrespect him even if he was smoking, not a graduate, a poor man then. I turned his life around. He quit smoking, I got him a proper job I changed his diet. I gave him a lot of love.
In fact I had full respect for him.
And even if at home he did things that appeared not sensible to me, I did not say he is stupid.
And after doing so much for the family, for him, I got heartache in return and a lot of it.
How much hurt have I experienced ? Is it not enough? And what made me most angry is that I always fall into this after healing , or after achieving some sense of peace and balance. Feels like all of my effort is thwarted in a flash.
I did not come into a relationship for hurt.
I decided to reiki myself on the swing
I said the gokai
And today it’s meaning is yet a bit more different
Just for today
I do not angry— it also means finding other ways out other than being angry
It means you can explore because angry is only one possibility and
I know I can do more
I do not worry
—— what are the other things I can do, they are many things I can do besides worry , such as yoga reiki meditation breathe
I m grateful
——- being able to sit here and having these thoughts
I thought of HuaiHao and the pinky love
I always told him to send it out should he sense someone in need
I thought I needed that v much now to envelop myself with this
I ask the divine to nourish me comfort me
And then I saw a cockerel
Is that the divine?
I take it as so because it brought a smile onto my smile
I ask it to come close if it is and I closed my eyes
I think I m heartbroken
I felt the pain
How can love once so sweet turn into this ?
Too hurtful
Then I heard a pecking
And there it is just next to me
The cockerel! As if to offer me some companionship
And I felt like vomiting
So many things crowded at the chest area
Wanting to come out
And I saw myself using the crystal like a pen on the cyst
I was doing self reiki, and thought, why not use the crystal and write om on my tummy?
There’s a space there and it’s calling out for love and nourishment
I used the tip of the crystal like a pen, to fill the space with just this and the magic
Then I carried on walking.
When my soul is in need, it is always food that rescues me
It’s as if they are calling out to me and I’ll just walk till I stop
Is it this stall?
I would linger in front of it
Not that my heart wills
This one
These simple fare made by hawkers, by humble people rescued me
Most of all, a bowl of hot red bean soup boiled to tender softness with brown rice and peanut. With every scoop you could smell fragrance of the brown rice and it brought me back to the time I was a young child and nanny would cook brown rice porridge for me.
Soft textures have a lot in there . Maybe that is why I am so drawn to them.
Soft textures require a lot of work, thought, technique, experience, emotion, love and above all, strength to execute
Strength to restrain and to be less to be more.
It’s inspiring to me because I m learning to be strong sure balanced yet soft. I have no wish to harden up or be jaded and allow myself to be let down by disappointments in life by people——- who may lack the wisdom and acted in the ways they did
I am going to continue on my path to cultivate myself and use these as exercises for me to flex my muscles ——- at being soft
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