Realising Me xv

Realising Me xv

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

We get back to routine today.

How nice!

I walked the kids to school. And have time and space all by myself at home.

How wonderful! This morning we walked to school some 15min earlier, and felt the air cooler, much cooler.

Good for me, because I have been feeling really hot of late. Like when I always needed the blanket, I now want the air con to be on powerful mode.

I guess I m letting off more heat than I realised.

And because we are out earlier, we do not meet the people whom we normally do, at certain points in our walk.

How nice.

It brings to mind, how different each and every single reality could have been or constructed, because of these meetings in time, not earlier not later….just right——at that point in time.

We normally take the overhead bridge to cross this big road and walk inwards to alexandra canal, then we follow a straight path to school

But Huaihao stopped me before we got on the overhead bridge:”can we take the road ahead mommy? I want to try a new road”

And he is kissing me and hugging me a bit more these few days than usual. How nice.

Qinzhi went ahead already so i said “next time”

But as quickly enough, I searched myself on the inside, I didnt really want to take a new road, because I like the canal path, this I said to Huaihao.

“I like it away from the traffic n there’s a cool breeze and dew on the greenery and birds tweeting”

But even if we like things, should we not give ourselves the chance to try “a new road”?

Thank you Huaihao!

And after like 10 days not carrying the schoolbags, I feel it so heavy on my shoulders I just want to take the bus. I just want to take the easy way out.

I am panting and hard of breath, when I usually walked in front of the kids, today they are in front.

My waist hurts just from the hurling and lashing. So do my shoulders my neck.

My body is so wrecked and torn by the emotions that ran through, they surged upwards from everywhere and was let out from my mouth my eyes yesterday my body ached.

Its devoid of battery

When I walk, I feel slightly unbalanced

But I actually prefer this me——not the panting of course, but the fact that i m discovering my new—maybe not new, but the original me, who is fragile and cannot take heaviness too. I made myself take it for too long.

I remember that day when I did the foot polish, it revealed the softer skins inside, baby like

Aren’t we all vulnerable and fragile? Made of blood and skin and tissues and cells.

And how did that shell that shield come on , come from? How did the metal get here?

I stopped just in time ——as my shoulders toughen up in habit.

No, lets try to be mindful about this TPY

Ssoooooo heavy!

Just right after sending the kids to school, I feel like I have just emerged from war

Totally in need of nourishment and a mend

So much emotions came through I got afraid, at the point of eruption, there’s so much destruction to myself as well.

I cannot breathe and I thought —— did mommy feel this way too? Before she decided she cannot do it anymore ?

When I cried, the exasperation seemed to come from such a deep place, with so much fury so much rage, I was taken aback, who is this speaking? 

so there’s a TPY hidden somewhere I kept

Now now, with all these destructive feelings, what did I just kill?

Myself.

I spent a long time and so much precious life killing myself.

WTF.

So I lashed out at my husband, myself , my life, life.

Why did we even meet?

What did life do and why must it take me here?

Walking back home, with whatever energy I have left, I remind myself to breathe and walk mindfully

And I harvest all of the nature that is available , the fresh air, even the birdsong to heal and mend.

When I drifted, came back to walking, how blessed to be able to come back tp mindful walking. i m thankful i have this to anchor me

And it seems every time of need, a different mantra saves me.

right from the beginning, om ma ne pad me hum

then guru rinpoche’s mantra

then tha maha vairocana mantra

medicine buddha mantra

chenrigze when i went to india

then now

Teyata Om Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Soha 

is that the Heart Mantra –

of late, this gets to me. i find myself yearning towards it

And when I did my reiki today, I cried so much, out from somewhere deep.

Such a pitiful state, I had to feel sorry. SO angry at myself too —–Just how? TPY, how did you land yourself here. Aren’t you all successful and bright and intelligent? And what are you going to do now?

I dont know

and i cried even harder.

I missed my earlier teachers, yen chua who did art therapy with me, i thought of going to her and i was already seeing my eyes breathing out anger as i drew

or Mr Ng whom i have done so much work with, when we did our last session, he says, “once in a while, find someone who can listen to your heart ” 找一个人诉诉苦

maybe he knew the depth of my pain more than i did

but he trusted the process n left me to it.

and during the session i didnt really find energy to move my hands about

so i just had the crystal on my heart on my tummy and just left it there

my hands didnt hover anywhere, much less touch, but i felt the energy alot too

coming through

sometimes i didnt know if it was divine energy or releases, whatever, just observe

until a point in time, i felt hmmm… ok.

And I know now how strong energy patterns are. They steer life that way and it is all too hard to break free from patterns and strong patterns like what I have experienced with my parents my life.

I ask myself how possible it is—— to have an experience that is unlike what I have gone through?

Is it even possible?

Maybe not.

Because this is how life teaches us. Or let’s us learn.

To pick ourselves up

To mend

To (feel so much pain and only then can we ) breakthrough

And not come back this way again

Lashing it out

Lashing it out

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I spoke out once more

This time for myself.

And there’s a difference. I have so many strong emotions in me . A lot of things I have tried to compromise but when I lashed out—— I realize I can’t.

There are things in life we just can’t allow.

So don’t ever think of letting it through. It won’t help in the long run.

And today I lashed it all out———ALL that has crossed my mind voices out from my heart heard by my body

The effect on my body heart and mind

The disappointment with him with marriage even with myself at times

My regret

All that I cannot accept and don’t ever want to repeat again such that when Huaihao fell and he had to pick himself up. And he would be showing only his anger to us and not any tangible help is given to soothe to support or to help. As little as how he could have helped me with laundry rather than leaving the machine to beep while i was attending to the kids, and he could go on watching tv or retreat into his room.

Then I realized the intensity.

I have been trying to suck it all up too much for my own good

We are already repeating our parents’ in a way. The way he escapes into his own space and leaving me to it all.

I didn’t know I have so much anger

But it was so good I let it all out

How silly

So good

Imagine what it could have done if I kept it

No more keeping next time TPY. Not for the kids.

I didn’t think my mother his mother would have lashed it out at their husbands

But I did. I pointed out all the love that has gone wrong all the hurt that has been done all the things that can be done

I said to him that he wouldn’t know how much energy how much wisdom how much energy I use to cultivate myself

Just to steer away from our parents experience

And I work so hard because I do not want to repeat or follow their footsteps

I want to see to it that a painful beginning or past will blossom into a flower to beauty if we have the sensibility and consciousness to steer it towards positivity

And really really because I know I HAVE THE POWER AND CAN CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER SO THAT MY KIDS WILL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT I HAVE

I HAVE THE POWER

And what about you? What do you not like in your life? What is it in your life that can change for the better ?

GO, DO IT

7 Yrs 2 Mths

7 Yrs 2 Mths

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好喜欢皓皓刚理完发的样子

太帅。让mommy很爱很爱很爱

皓皓最近很喜欢吃mommy做的acai

我们三个最近发现了好吃的日本餐，一再上门光顾

皓皓说，如果满分是5分，可以拿4分，后来侍应生看到皓皓用筷子时扭捏，于是拿来了木质汤匙。皓皓大赞，现在是5分了！

然后去吃好吃的甜点

最近姐姐周一、三学coding，那就干脆要公公别接载，mommy接皓皓然后我们一起去Great World City吃午餐，mommy吃擂茶饭，皓皓吃饭配冬瓜汤，然后也会吃点甜的。或给皓皓沁芝买个hotdog 面包

然后去逛个Toys r Us、看皓皓喜欢的Lego，玩钓鱼、看书，

仿佛偷来的时光

有时候还会偷个去乌节路吃Acai

虽然要背书包很重

但是还是很幸福

有时候，mommy会买一包薯片，我们边走边吃。

试探皓皓，

Me (contemplating to open the packet of chips) : Huaihao, what do you think? I really want to open it.

HuaiHao: Can you last?

Me: What’s that?

HuaiHao: Simply said, can you wait?

笑死我！

对于这样的日常，我是这样写的

“today i felt different walking back

if i felt lazy picking the kids up. today i definitely didnt feel it this way

when there’s a choice to take the bus, i chose to walk, i wanted to do more exercise , i wanted to train myself to walk mindfully to practise

when we walked back, it was hot and i was carrying stuff and hao’s bag

but we sang and skipped

it made me look forward to the next time i could fetch qinzhi from school and the 3 of us can walk together

walking together, isnt it important?”

皓皓每天下课回来就玩Lego，不亦乐乎，每天都有新作品，新的想法、概念，转换出来就成了新的杰作，新的名称、新的故事

好棒

有一天看到皓皓在拆，问皓皓，刚刚堆好的，现在拆下来，会不会可惜呢？结果皓皓说不会。

那是很棒的一件事，因为没有所谓的attachments

因为有新的向往，新的想法，新的期待。

好羡慕皓皓。好欣赏皓皓。

他是这样说的。

I feel ok because if you know what is in your brain you can make a new one out of it

If I don’t demolish it I can’t make a new one

Although it’s something like precious，you know you are going to make something more awesome than this

The brain is like a little pouch which stores a lot of ideas plans memories。 

问他，What colour is it？

It is transparent and clear and turqoisey， it’s very rare right mommy？

是啊，好珍贵。

皓皓就是老师，提醒我，每天也要拆卸才睡觉。每天也要想想，有什么新的期待。

皓皓就是那样的人————one of a kind

另一天要下雨了，正要去接沁芝下课，结果下雨了。

“what do we do?” huaihao asked?

“”hhmmmm, dont know, we’ll take it as it goes” I said,

And by the time we reached the school, the rain had gone.

And I told huaihao, “sometimes all we have to do is wait”

再另一个早上，皓皓抬头看到月亮了。

一边走的时候月亮就在我们的后面。我们面向太阳，但是月亮还在那里，不偏不倚。

边走边看月亮，它好像也在走。

有时点缀组屋、有时挂在天空，有时亲吻树叶，这一天因为移动身体，“看到”月亮在动。

然后给月亮一张脸蛋

原来，我们只要移动，就能改变很多东西，促成很多东西，把似乎是不可能的——–例如给月亮脸蛋——变成可能。

我们能做的还有更多更多。

关键是移动

不过因为玩Lego，皓皓最近画得比较少了

这是皓皓自己制作的书签，因为最近皓皓学到新的东西，那就是上学校的图书馆借书，借了一本Ninjago

还带了沁芝皓皓上美术馆

学校假期，我们计划好每天的日程。希望沁芝皓皓过得丰富充实。于是去吃大家爱吃的Burger+，去Nerf Experience，去香格里拉酒店staycaytion,还有去summer pavilion庆祝公公和庚延舅舅的生日

Huaihao is beginning to put his hands on me.

And it was so natural.

It made me rethink my own actions, because he was copying me so well. Every time he hurt himself, I would quickly run over to give love to his hurting part of the body, and now, he is doing the same to me.

That day I told him my left shoulder is hurting, he immediately placed his hands on me and sent me some “pinky love”.

I took the chance to tell him about the magic and the power our hands have. So in the event of need, and no one like mommy is around, he can always count on himself to address the area of need, simply by just putting his hands and feeling the “ball of energy” and sending pinky love

At bedtime, we had a little chat and I told him how much he mattered to me. How grateful I am to have him and Qinzhi, and he says, “I m thankful too, mommy”

And he put his hands out to hug me

And would continue to caress my face with his warm hands, and say, “so smooth , is my face smooth mommy?”

I think he would never know, how much motivation, energy, consolation, comfort, love, light he has given me to spur me on. He is my constant reminder to look for a new alternative, new ways of doing things, new attitudes or perspectives. This is the meaning of Huaihao.

So I actually bought him a Lego in Osaka on my last trip and I really hoped he liked it. More so, I wrote him a note, to tell him how precious he is.

He spotted it the moment he flung the door open.

Before he sleep he plants these soft kisses on my cheek many times and I would smile. In the morning when he awakens he does the same and would be happy if I smile.

I suddenly have an idea, I m going to use these kisses to heal myself.

I was trying to do some reiki as I lay down on the bed and I thought of my fave—— cupping both ears and I wanted HuaiHao to do that for me.

Before I knew it he had his little body on me and it feels like doing me a full reiki

And every bit of it came through me and out from my eyes and he asked—— why are you teary?

Thank you for loving me Huaihao. You are so precious, I cannot thank you enough.

Sound Healing and Meditation i

Sound Healing and Meditation i

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This is the first time I went for a sound healing meditation class, even if I have worked with tibetan singing bowls before in my kundalini class.

And the teacher or facilitator is like a Greek goddess, later on she said she’s lived in Greece. No wonder.

She uses crystal bowls and combined the session with writing because she says that writing or journaling can be cathartic 

She asks us to think and note down first what we intend 

  • how do you want to feel with this going on in the world today
  • Who do you want to be

I wrote this

And felt slightly silly

Be an angel? TPY? haha

Afterwards we did some breath work to slow down our brain waves

Basically breathing in

White light enveloping you

Drawing white light to the crown, third eye, throat, heart, navel, pelvic area ten the root of the spine

Finally on the exhale visualize the white light shooting out of the spine towards the ground and as they touch the ground, roots grow out of it

And ground and connect you to Mother Earth

I like the way she puts things, she said this is totally not a coincidence that we on a saturday afternoon would be here with her

Like reminding us to be a witness of the experience and no judgement is required. And when thoughts might become challenging, to use our breath as an anchor to come back to the meditation.

Then the bowls start singing

It’s powerful and they sweep through the the body irregardless of how or what you intend

My right leg twitched and released something

Then afterwards I drifted off

When the class ended , she asked us to take a peep at the oracle card placed on the right side of the mat

And peep I did

A book was passed around for us to make sense of what the card meant

Where we could find what the card means

And this is the explanation 

It’s amazing because-its so coincidental

When the facilitator asked us who we want to be, that which came to mind was: an angel.

I was amused myself and I thought against writing it down 

An angel?

How amusing how childish but I wrote it down all the same

And the explanation talked about souls in a human body 

And loving to be with angels

It reminded me of what Stephan said- that I m somebody else but chose to be here

“Hanging out in the stars?”

No wonder Stephan kept seeing stars! LOL

But now. I remember mommy said to me. That she went to some fortune teller who told her that I m some heavenly being but was punished for a mistake and had to come to earth

And Mr Ng used to day to me—- remember that we are souls on earth having a human experience 

And I remember telling Stephan when he asked “what is it that you want”

That it is about finding a way out for myself, how not to lose myself to the realities or the mainstream. 

Really , haha

And the message I derive from this is that- 

I m on the right track but I have to ground. Ground. Ground.

As I bond and get on with transcendence, I see the distance I have with people around me in immanence 

Operating within

And that I need patience both with myself and with others

I cannot expect others to be at my pace

And I do not need to judge them or I would have been haughty 

Instead I need to bring myself to their level so that they too can get a peep at transcendence

And this is like a reminder to me, to be fully present as I practiced reiki. The purpose of breath is to bring me in and on the ground, not further away.

The message is also acceptance and to learn to celebrate life and all that it brings.

Or even better, be a witness.

Later I asked her a few qns about the bowls and she says the bowls find people

And I got to know of the eka mai mantra

“This mantra is believed to instill the entire knowledge of the Universe without ever reading a book. It is the yogi’s humble bowing to the infinite.”

The full version here

Eyka Maaee Joogut veeaee

Tin Chele Parvan

Ik Sansari Ik Bandari

Ik Laa-ey Deeban

Jiv Tis Bhaveh Tiveh Chalaaveh

Jiv Hoveh Furmaan

Oh Vaykeh Ona Naadar Na Aveh

Baahoota Eyho Vidaan

Aadays Tisai Aadays Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat Jug Jug Ayko Vays

Translation:

All honor to the One, Hail the Primal Being whose attributes cannot be described, Who is without beginning, the Unstruck Sound, and whose form is One through every Age.

Aadays tisai aadays:

I salute You. I salute You, again and again.

Aad Aneel Anaad Anaahat:

You are the beginning.

You are all dimensions of limitlessness wonder.

Anahat:

That unstruck sound.  the space where we merge with the Sound and the sound permeates every fiber of our being…it’s where we experience great healing and bliss.

Jug Jug Ayko Vays:

Remains true through all ages, through all time.

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

Ancestor Remembrance and Worship

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Today our whole tribe attended a prayer ceremony for grandmother grandfather and ….. mommy

It’s been a year since grandma or ah ma’s passing. How fast can time be?

Ah Ma, so tiny in frame, but so large in life or larger than. I think it will be impossible for me to forget what she said, when she came into our family to stay with us, to mother us, after mom’s passing.

“Yen, take it as if it was nothing. Be brave.”

I dont know how much courage she gave me so many times in life when I find myself in need. Just this line and what she did with her life.

And the prayer ceremony brought ah ma, ah gong or grandpa and mommy together.

At a temporarily set up altar, a big paper home is in place. The tribe is putting ah ma ah gong and mommy together as they reunite in the other world.

Everyone seems to feel better after doing the rites, its like they say, all done.

But for myself, it was something much much more as I went through it.

Seeing the photos of grandfather grandmother and mommy in the face was impactful.

I feel a stir somewhat . What are the words I should use when I can’t even make sense of my emotions? Arggh

Feels like a wind has come by and ruffled some pages of a book . Or some dust of a book hidden somewhere stirred.

Now as I put words down, I realize wind and light has come. Yes. Isn’t that a good thing TPY?

Like it did something to the long standing hurt and pain that has been kept in a certain place in my body, maybe…maybe in everyone else’s

I breathed in light and air as I sat there listening to the rites.

If anything, BREATHE

I worked hard at that.

As the gongs cymbals and prayer music came on, i try to be aware of areas of resonance.

it feels like some resonance can be found at the tummy area and heart

Like it was inviting things out

As I looked at ah ma’s picture, I began to speak to her

Thank you granny for sacrificing the way you did. For the selfless devotion , for all your giving. For giving your entire life to the Tan clan.

You had the whole tribe on your shoulders, how heavy is that?

How selfless is that?

How much responsibility and challenge could that have been?

But you took it all the same.

And the whole tribe is bowing to you now, on behalf of them all, thank you granny for giving up your happiness for all of us.

Please find your peace now

And another thought came to mind: Must people only find peace when they have given of themselves and after they die?

Really? Cant there be another way?

I looked at ah gong’s picture and I saw myself sitting on his lap kissing his face in the living room at our family home in geylang

It feels almost as if I can still feel the warmth and the smell of cigarette emanating from his mouth.

But I felt loved as a grandchild. I dont seem to recall any other grandchild being so close to ah gong.

I would kiss his face five times, on both cheeks, forehead, nose, chin

Like a ritual.

I recall dad telling me ah gong is a great cook. He did Tze Char, had a stall where all his children helped out and served celebrities at his stall with his hor fun, Har Lok (sautéed prawns), stir fried liver…

And afterwards, when I m on the food journey i recognised the seed planted by ah gong perhaps but that which I have expressed or interpreted with my own.

I might not have been a great cook, but i did meaningful valuable stories recording chef’s lives and wisdom that people could read over and over again, timeless quotes and wonderful values

And even if I have left the industry now, I find it hard to sever my ties with food even if I wanted to. There are people who keep calling and wanting me to serve in this industry in different ways

Then I look at my mother’s photo, and I sort of still felt her love

Why? It is still here so long after she has gone in 2002.

Her love so big so strong! I realise it traversed distance, space, dimensions. How big is that?

Thank you mommy, for loving us the way you did. For your selfless love and care for us all. For giving your life and soul your everything to the family, like ah ma has, for always always considering and prioritizing us. Making decisions for the good of us rather than yourself first

Please be at peace please find your peace

And as I said thank you to granny and mommy, I felt something lifted off my body and my cells

Like something opened up…ka cha….

Like there was a release

I heaved things out ……..PHEW!

As I was looking at the whole tribe, and my family, I give thanks to granny mommy for all the love and life they have given to the tribe

On behalf of the tribe of my family I say this, and is thankful I have the awareness to do this.

I sort of see them smile satisfactorily and going away

And for myself——-I feel like I can finally have a fresh new start

After so long, I think I can finally bye this experience away

And I have reflections almost instantly

-Can’t they be at peace in life?

-I began to realize how similar I have been when making decisions , I followed mother and grandmother—— I always thought of my children first and not my feelings first

I shouldered my family above myself when the family was in need. Wow. And at a much younger age.

And the beautiful thing is——I found a way!!!

If granny and mommy attended to anyone else other than themselves first, then why dont I do the reverse?

What if I attended to my emotions first ?

Rather than thinking for my family?

I would want to get out of this situation

I would not have kept things under wraps thinking this is good for the kids

So I should try the reverse instead. Try TPY try!

I should try this method of putting myself first because if its good for me, it must be good for my kids somewhat. And if I m not happy, the kids will not be.

Then I could rewire and change things

And finally be myself

It reminds me of my solo trip in Paris

One time I went one round and came back to the same spot realising ——–I have come one full circle

Now too, I feel like I have had a dream and I m back to some ten years ago, when mommy had passed on, and I have processed this, and can start off, acknowledging the loss yet can move on.

Finally, I asked for ALL the support, resources, power, strength, wisdom, energy, longevity, vitality that I need to breakthrough and to become a better version of TPY.

Realising Me xiv

Realising Me xiv

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

“Its been hard on you”

I heard myself when my hands are at my heart.

“Its been hard on you”

I heard at the stomach.

How much have you stomach? And you are still at it TPY? Do you not know any other way? Its been hard on you.

At my big keloid, I continued to breathe in. I saw the dancing northern lights. And instantly I was back at the point when survival was a question. I didnt expect myself to be in those shoes in modern SIngapore. I have a good education, decent upbringing, I have a scholarship, I m in a course I like and I have a job waiting for me.

What could go wrong?

I was angry because I have to shoulder the responsibility and to pick up pieces for all the things I did not do. I was angry for behaving properly and doing all that I have done well, and yet I have to face broken situations like these.

And I chose to be responsible.

So even as I was picking up the pieces, I was also angry in ways more than one.

And almost as suddenly, that feeling of sunkenness, heaviness, frustration, bitterness, anger, stress came up , upwards towards the left and landed in my heart and shoulder area. Was that why my left shoulder hurt?

And now what do I do with this?

These feelings that have come up? I ask?

Observe TPY

Open up a space for them and observe.

See them, hear them

Be with them.  

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Now I know why I saw the Yohji Yamamoto piece. He was angry too, but he found a way out.

What would be my way?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Interestingly, Stephan shared his experience reiki-ing me from afar.

yesterday night I had a most vivid and fabulous journey as I started to work on your navel. Suddenly out of nowhere a powerful vortex rose out of your navel and grew so fast, that before I could do anything I was sucked in the vortex and slowly descended into your navel. As I was descending I looked a your lower and upper keloid and saw how they very so nicely aligned with the pancreas and navel on the Ren (conception vessel) meridian.

Fascinated I asked myself is she doing microorbital breathing?

Never got an answer, as I was already inside you in a huge cave which was full of perfect purple and shining crystals.

In the middle of this enormous cave, upon a ground of pure white crystals, was a big capsule. At time totally black at times transparent. I tried to open it, but it did not budge. However there was a light being inside which had your eyes and facial features. As I looked up, I was no longer in a cave but under the sky full of stars. And then Beethoven’s sinfonie “Götterfunken” (Ode to Joy) blasted through space…Filling me with this overpowering emotion…As it ended, I was back on the navel!

What a journey…thank you Pin Yen

Now I remember, looking out and upwards from your navel. It all pointed to the heart.
As if saying, listen to your heart, what is it whispering to you?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Then I looked back at my notes this morning, my heart says, “Its been hard on you.”

Using Anger

Using Anger

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Came across a number of prominent people who are using their anger /pain ….these few days.

I guess I really wanted to know how they did it?

The full story here https://www.google.com.sg/amp/s/www.vogue.co.uk/fashion/article/yohji-yamamoto-reveals-an-inner-anger%3famp

But first, a selection of quotes which called out to me.

“So I don’t change; at the beginning I was always angry, still angry, that is what makes my motivation power to create beauty.” Yohji Yamamoto says.

The writer for Vogue finds Yamamoto’s pieces peaceful

“I mostly find Yohji’s collections peaceful and I asked him if that was just an illusion.”

“An illusion – yes – sometimes I lose my anger, so sometimes I lose my power, the power to shout anti-something – and then it looks peaceful,” he said. “

“Yohji had started our conversation by saying that he was angry. So I asked him why.”

“It’s very simple – I was born as a war child and in the first year of high school I read about how my father passed away in the war. It was 1944, just one year before it ended. He was 36 years old. A 36-year-old man was sent to war. America already had won everything. So he’s on the boat, fishing boat, and it sunk.”

“About ten or fifteen years ago I started feeling maybe my father was pushing my back,” Yohji went on. “At the same time I felt angry. My country and its people were stupid. Because America already had a very modern army. My father’s army, they were all killed and finally the American army bombed Hiroshima. I spent my young life with only my mother. I don’t have the meaning of family.”

I saw his anger frothing. Inability to accept, pain, anger. But he used these somewhat, lucky for him.

“Yohji had once said to me that he was always fascinated by seeing women from the back – departing. Was that still true?”

“Please don’t leave! Don’t leave! That is the most important thing in my imagination,” Yohji replied. “Because I love women. Especially I love strong women. Independent women.”

“The designer also loves handwork, and looking at strokes of paint coloured on the clothes, I could see that some of this work was closer in spirit to couture, than to ready-to-wear.”

“I’m stupid,” said Yohji. “I’m still making clothing in my company. The staff – using their fingers. Other companies are using computers. I keep on doing everything by hand. And from hands come emotion, inspiration, sensitivity. I still believe in that. So until the end, I will keep making everything by hand.”

To answer myself—— just do it. It was the best choice and what the soul wanted.

It is dad’s birthday today. I found it hard to say happy birthday.

I did it.

Overcoming

Overcoming

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Saw a nice video today on overcoming fear and stress

https://summit.gaia.com/transcendence-summit/launch-episode-2?ch=tr&sc_src=email_608837&sc_lid=45124332&sc_uid=cHyqgzprLr&sc_llid=47901&sc_eh=c7875d7b25ee03611&utm_medium=prospect&utm_campaign=tr-transcendence-summit&utm_content=t1-summit-auto-live-2-day-3&utm_term=text&utm_source=email

And how thoughts matter in building our health.

Inside, Wim Hof spoke on his trauma that haunted him because his birth and presence wasnt expected and he was delivered in a cold passageway.

It is no wonder then that today he has become truly a man in the cold and has found a way out to manage or work with the cold—and that is by breathing.

He became someone who isnt afraid of the cold.

He isnt only inspiring but he made magic—out of himself and of pain.

I am intrigued and very drawn to people like these who show with their life, what magic can be, if you persevere and never give in, or give up. What strength do they possess?

It brought upon me once and again, the significance of turning pain and traumatic experiences into something useful.

I had seen a few video clips of this man and my family follows his breathing technique of late.

But how did this inspiring man get here?

Why, as with all others, it was pain and trauma that led the way for him, and in turn, he searched and experimented on himself and proved that this is not unique to him, but others, so he paved the way for many, to breathe their way through challenging times.

It also brought upon me the very idea that we will find our peace in the very thing that brought us unbalance in the first place. Like Hof being upset by the cold he was delivered in, and he delivered himself (working) in the cold.

I tried to think about myself.

But met with a little bit of a stumble, its ok, I’ll leave it here for a while.

And Hof says, “the cold forces me to get deeper inside.”

I look at myself again. All my experiences have been forcing me to get inside as well. Reliving, processing, transforming.

He said one thing, “Just breathing and believing (you can)”

Makes you can a reality.

What do I want to believe in?

Nasa’s Library

Nasa’s Library

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I find myself getting intrigued, well at least showing more and more interest in news related to space—-as I grow older.

Things that happen in space, the moon’s waxing and waning, becoming full, eclipses, always I try to grasp a fuller understanding of the complexity of it all.

But always I fail.

Its beyond the human mind. And my little brain cannot work it out.

And I read about NASA, opening up its library of photo resources to the public today.

Wow. These are photos that make me wonder child-like again. Like cupping my face with my hands looking up there and go “wah, how can?”

What is happening up there?

I cannot imagine neither can I understand. Even if I read, even if I try to imagine and visualise as I read.

Just don’t get it

Magical things, unfathomable things beyond imagination and comprehension. I sort of like them though.

AND that they are happening whether or not we like it, can understand it.

Bigger than what we can imagine, but happening, The sheer scale of it, baffling—–but possible.

Why?

Simply because this is IT of life.

Life’s myriad of possibilities. I like the idea of possibilities.

That we can but also cannot make sense of it. These occurrences happening in space are the very things that shock us, surprise us, amaze us, push us to discover and learn and actually———they reduce us immediately.

Reduce our ego, our pride our sense of importance. Our theories, our mindsets, our beliefs our hypothesis. They shake up our systems and innerscapes so easily. And reduce our problems and unhappiness —–with their beauty and wonder.

There are like 140000 images, that you can search for here. https://images.nasa.gov

I try my hands and typed “sun”.

Found these images, that are quite different from the sun I see everyday out of the window.

And this one called out to me—where’s the sun?

The sun can look like this too!

And what would be my possibility?

This is an image of magnetic loops on the sun, captured by NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO). It has been processed to highlight the edges of each loop to make the structure more clear. A series of loops such as this is known as a flux rope, and these lie at the heart of eruptions on the sun known as coronal mass ejections (CMEs.) This is the first time scientists were able to discern the timing of a flux rope’s formation. (SDO AIA 131 and 171 difference blended image of flux ropes during CME.) Credit: NASA/Goddard Space Flight Center/SDO —- On July 18, 2012, a fairly small explosion of light burst off the lower right limb of the sun. Such flares often come with an associated eruption of solar material, known as a coronal mass ejection or CME – but this one did not. Something interesting did happen, however. Magnetic field lines in this area of the sun’s atmosphere, the corona, began to twist and kink, generating the hottest solar material – a charged gas called plasma – to trace out the newly-formed slinky shape. The plasma glowed brightly in extreme ultraviolet images from the Atmospheric Imaging Assembly (AIA) aboard NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory (SDO) and scientists were able to watch for the first time the very formation of something they had long theorized was at the heart of many eruptive events on the sun: a flux rope. Eight hours later, on July 19, the same region flared again. This time the flux rope’s connection to the sun was severed, and the magnetic fields escaped into space, dragging billions of tons of solar material along for the ride — a classic CME. &quot;Seeing this structure was amazing,&quot; says Angelos Vourlidas, a solar scientist at the Naval Research Laboratory in Washington, D.C. &quot;It looks exactly like the cartoon sketches theorists have been drawing of flux ropes since the 1970s. It was a series of figure eights lined up to look like a giant slinky on the sun.&quot; <b>To read more about this new discovery go to: <a href=”http://1.usa.gov/14UHsTt&#8221; rel=”nofollow”>1.usa.gov/14UHsTt<