THE Precious One

THE Precious One

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Teacher asked me who is the precious one.

I asked Huaihao too this morning, when we had awoken. He planted these soft gentle light kisses me on my cheeks my face. And I took a moment to soak up that goodness.

SO I took the opportunity to ask him the question Teacher asked.

“So Huaihao, who do you think is the precious one on earth? “

And to which he said, “Mommy, then popo (may nanny who nannied me till I was 7 and then took care of qinzhi and huaihao) ….”

Why Mommy I asked?

“Because you gave birth to me and love me and cook for me, and take care of me…..”

So I asked, what about Huaihao? To Mommy, Huaihao and QinZhi are super precious, the most precious.

And he smiled.

“So Huaihao must learn to take care of yourself and love yourself and listen to yourself “

Just as I am learning to now, or maybe you too and the people around you. More often than not, we do not realise that we are precious, we are that miracle that magic that power , boundless, limitless, actually, endless.

Teacher reminded me, “You are beautiful in body, heart, mind and soul and the magic is all around and in you, you just have not noticed it yet! Why so harsh to yourself. Who is the most precious and important being in the universe?

There is only on correct answer!

Who is the most precious and important being in the universe?

YES!

TPY THE ONE AND ONLY!!”

We were never this one before and will never be in the future. The miracle and magic is in the now that we so often miss. It seemed really close but can be so out of reach.

I guess the trick is openness.

Opening ourselves as far as possible, as much as possible, and what is available ———to ourselves.

Realising Me xvii

Realising Me xvii

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The self reiki session today is a v powerful one.

I normally start with the gokai. Then breath work, which is what I learnt in my kundalini yoga class, 32 breaths, from the root to the crown then down to the root.  Normally, halfway through, I would already feel the grounding settling effect of the breath.

You just feel like you have gone deeper

The very awareness of it takes you out of the depth then you go back to breathing again.

Now as I collect these thoughts, I felt like I have some experiences of an accomplished meditation exercise before, not in this time. Maybe elsewhere. I have sat down and experienced this peace and calm before.

Back to breath work,

Somewhere along the 30 ish counts, my tears just came.

I could already feel energy, some higher power or what you call, the divine.

So you are all here?!

Now I know.

“But we have always been with you”

I felt the body pumped with stronger slow flowing energy, I felt the fullness at heart, brimming over.

I still cant see them, but their presence sort of could be felt, a happy bunch of all different, angels, bodhisattvas, gurus, and I felt like each one was taking over each part of my body to contribute healing. 

“I want my keloids to be healed completely.” And one of them went over.

“I want to see my beautiful navel again” (Because the cyst has encroached into some space of the navel) And one smiled and rushed over to attend

“I want to see the big keloid dissolve into nothingness, I want to see the original skin like how it was at the pelvic area” And someone took over.

I just lie there and observed, I couldnt do anything as work is being done coming through my limbs my abdomen, my legs.

I asked the divine to be there with us, to let this energy of goodness touch every single being on earth, all of the insects and birds, animals and beasts, in the water world in the atmosphere, an for all sentient beings to experience its wonder.

And I want to express its wonder and magic.

Then almost as suddenly, I recalled the child’s cry yesterday. One of the flats above me, a father was in rage, demanding to know some truth from the child. “Where did you get the money?” And the child was crying out, ‘I didnt do it, I didnt do it’

My heart cried out in pain as well. Can’t there be another way?

Because of all the hurt I felt, may all families parents, couples and children not have to go through anything like this at all.

Then I started to process some things. 

The reiki session to me is like an inner work session, I observe and things sometimes pop up, then I take the chance to rewire and reprogram, with what little awareness and wisdom I have, and I cocreate with what is available on hand.

Like the sun was shining on me as I lay on the bed, so I asked the sun for help.

I was back again in my old house at the kitchen next to the dining table. Mommy sat on a chair backed by a wall and I was standing infront of her. In Primary 2 I was and I got 7th in position in class, when I was in Primary 1, I was top of the class.

Mommy chided me for slipping, she said daddy worked so hard for the family, and had to drive a taxi at night so I could have piano and ballet lessons.

She said that I had taken things for granted.

It was all so emotional and I am sure in that moment, the child in me made a decision to be the best whatever I did

That pushed me all the way so I always excelled.

But this morning, intuitively, I blew wind , huffed and puffed at that girl who had her head down infront of mommy.

What if I felt mommy and could emphathise without making those decisions that drove me into programs me later on?

Now I know, mommy wanted to be heard too! She’s got a love for dad and don’t want him to be worked so hard. She might not really be chiding me. But I interpreted it that way.

I saw the girl’s hair fluff up and her relief and smile.

I felt ready to attempt at another and I saw myself infront of the bed where my father lay after his spinal operation. I saw the blanket again. But intuitively, I blew away her fear, I saw her hair fly up in a whiff. And it felt better all of a sudden.

Then time went to seeing my father in my old house.

He converted the storeroom into a study room so he could do his stuff

It was stuffy because there are no windows, there’s a certain smell  the sum total of the furniture, the stationery, the yellow background black polka dot plastic dustbin 

Just this morning, I realised I have sensed my father doesnt work like any other father—— at a young age

He has a funny occupation

When I was bigger, and when we shifted house, sometimes father worked in his room, I would use his desk to do my homework and revised for my exams, so ah ha I must have picked up all his feelings along the way

Then I remember him also, in another room, he would switch the air con on, and a light but the room would be slightly dark

What was he doing?

I sensed that is was something that needs to be hidden, 

something that cannot be exposed to light

I guessed I worried for him and feared for him, is something going to happen to him? Then what do we do?

There’s also a sense of righteousness in the child in me, that what he is pursuing might not be correct.

There’s a guilt of knowing something but having to hide it because that is father

And a sense of shame that there is something not so right somewhere and why is he doing it. But what can I do? He’s doing it for the livelihood of the family

What a struggle that has been for my young age that young girl?

So this morning, just this morning, I discovered and uncovered this other layer of fear that I didnt know I had carried with me and that of survival instincts I experienced as I kid. The guilt and shame.

Wow.

What a lot of work in there.

I pictured myself in front of me and I want to blow away all of these emotions which have been unconsciously stored into my body,

I blew at my head and saw it move front and back

I blew at my heart 

my front torso, my abdomen, my pelvic area my legs 

Felt like something was thwarted and released.

Then I continued to lay and observe whatever was happening.

Energy continued to work on me.

And I just lay like a handphone on a charger stand, I couldnt really move

Lots of energy coming through into my body through my neck and downwards

I didnt even use my hands today

I just observed

Then playfully and experimentally, I held my hands above my tummy, just wanting to feel the energy and I saw my hands moving further away then away from my body, as if finding out where that ends…

I kept still for a while longer then said my thanks before using my crystal .

I wrote om on my keloid and tummy area.

What a discovery! And, history has it all. All the answers and the information or inspirations to let us step forward.

Go back to go forward

Beauty

Beauty

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The sun rose in this spectacular fashion today and the sky collaborated and displayed colour that opened up the senses.

It makes you want to linger for a while more here at the window

I havent had this sense of abiding calmness in me for a long time. Like a gentle flowing stream.

Even Huaihao saw it. He said, “Wow, look at the sky”

I m so glad he saw it.

Not just seeing the sky but the beauty of it. It means that he is able to find beauty already in the dailyness of life. 

And as I lingered, I asked the body to breathe in all the beauty, right into my cells so that each and every single one receives this beauty.

Beauty can comfort, can address, can deliver can heal.

And I hear a voice saying, I want my eyes to see beauty like this everyday, my ears to hear this beauty everyday, myself to experience beauty everyday, to make beauty for myself and for others.

Beautiful moments that can touch you in a flash, renew refresh and rejuvenate you, and lets you get a go again, lets you have energy to do it again.

I am ready to receive healing from the 90 year old lady.

Sound

Sound

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I find myself investigating into sounds of late.

First a crystal bowl mediation class —my first one, where I picked up an oracle card—-my first one actually—– saying “Earthed”

Then a Gong class where I reconnected with an old friend.

Today, I went for a crystal bowl sound bath , the title of the class says “to open the heart”.

Well, I need that, just open my heart big enough for me to feel like I can receive gracefully the reiki or whatever I need.

The spot I chose had a high ceiling and lots of space above me . There was a window that lets light in

The facilitator added in the gong.

The beginning of the class was good. I went deeper on the inside —didnt really know where I went, but then the intense gong brought me and my thinking mind back. Thereafter , it was more of witnessing the energies and vibrations of the sounds and the places in my body they found resonance in

And coming out from it, I find a renewed sense of readiness or calmness to get another go at myself.

As I was about to leave I saw a pack of cards. It says “you are the Oracle”

I picked one out of the stack. This one .

Things are changing at a cellular level. Deep healing. Wow

How can this be coincidence?

The book shares a deeper interpretation

When the facilitator brought the crystal bowl or gong to each of us, i felt my hair move.

In any case, I emerge from class feeling lighter, I wonder how the sounds do it.

But I intended before class, to feel unconditional love and healing. Want to explore more of this.

Vulnerability x Strength

Vulnerability x Strength

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I found a pimple in my gum next to my teeth that has blood inside.

It just came up yesterday and I am once reminded of teacher’s words——how emotions are wanting to and raging their way out of the shell.

OMG more intense emotions? What else is there I asked myself?

Anger, at how things have become, how much time I have wasted being unconscious or how I havent been able to steer myself away from these all

I havent known that I m angry with myself until of late. What a discovery.

Then my old self accustomed to fear pops up—- I become afraid, what’s the harm or damage I do to myself? How else do I want to hurt myself ? Isnt it enough?

Yes, there’s anger and fear in there, in this cycle.

How do I release them?

I watched a programme “Beyond Beliefs” by GAIA. And they were talking about how thoughts are things and that if we change our thoughts we change our mind.

There was one part which talked about just observing thoughts without judgement.

I am learning to allow them space without judging

I want to try this out and see how it goes


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I was in my infra red sauna this morning but I couldn’t really stay still, too many thoughts coming through

I asked the heat to melt away all of my defences, my pretences, my fronts, my shield

I thought about vulnerability 

And I recall how, recently I have been engaged in these things that show up inner beauty.

Like the feet polish that revealed the baby soft skins inside that I wouldn’t know I have

I saw my feet again yesterday and touched the part where the dead skin has been removed.

Its still pretty soft and I am amazed.

In about this instant, I understand that I actually didnt believe softness could have been there. After all the support and walking?

I was looking for harder skin really. I didnt believed softness could be had

Why didnt I believe?

My upbringing, my experiences, helped me not believe.

My father was soft, he didnt know how to stand up for himself, he was always at a losing end, biting the bullets and has chosen to take it all even if its to his disadvantage and he would say:”what other way is there?”

In a pessimistic way.

He showed me softness didnt work, being nice didnt work because he would have to suck up all the shit while other people benefited from his giving way

My mother too was soft, so much softer and she was suffering a lot too. They both didnt know how to stand up for themselves.

They felt lost and disappointment a lot of times in life, but humble people they are, and they knew not another way—but to be soft and nice

Me too in a way, I picked these behavioural patterns along the way. Like them, I believed in softness, I believed ultimately in goodness and I wanted to show that goodness will prevail and my parents were right

SO I was always nice

I have my fair share of people who appreciate goodness and a bigger share of people who take advantage 

I was angry and disappointed——like my parents each time people took advantage of me

But still I choose to be soft—— like my parents. Even if realities show that softness wouldn’t land you in good stead.

I believe in persevering in all goodness and kindness but realities are challenging.

And Life’s experiences seem to want to put us to test. Wanting to test how committed we are to this ? There are times people are hard or choose to be unkind. 

And I have unwittingly learnt to take it negatively and put up stronger defences, bold fronts, all the strength I could draw from each cell to be me to shoulder 

I have become that strong woman with a vulnerable fragile softness inside.

Yet I had models like ah ma, like mom, or my husband’s mother, who all braved storms for their family 

I can be like them

and I did what they did in a way, having the family ’s interests above me

But what if I continued to be this softness without being disappointed. Displaying true softness and kindness—— unconditionally?

But they didnt eat the beautiful spring flowers I ate.

The spring flowers are not exactly big, tender and fragile as well and—– bitter

I wonder why?

Now I know

They take so much strength to grow out of winter into spring, so much might and strength in that softness. Can there be sweetness after using all this force?

SO I can be bitter. Why not? Just be what it feels like. 

I remember each time I saw blooms, I get inspired by the reminders they show, just by opening up to the world, no matter how short lived their bloom can be

They encouraged me to open up to bloom to be the best I can be

I always touched the petals of flowers

tender, fragile, vulnerable?

Yes but Maybe not.

SO much strength in insisting to be genuinely soft when the easy way out could be just hardening up

I thought of myself a few days ago

When I feel devoid of battery

In a flash, now I know, that’s the real me.

That is the real me without my defences , pretences, fronts, shield

oh Hello! Nice to see you———- after so long.

Receiving

Receiving

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Vs Giving.

Receiving seems to be more difficult for me.

Amusing? But it’s true.

Isn’t it just take?

I wished!

I don’t really know what to do to receive. Just just not open enough to it.

Yesterday Teacher texted me to say, “one of my very experienced Reiki practioner here in Switzerland, she will be 90 years old this year, and she would be very glad to support you with distance healing Reiki. Would you agree to it?

She has had a difficult live, had to marry before twenty, as her father died and to run a business and support the family, had her own family of 3 children, and take care of her husband as he got ill and blind, keeping business and family together. There was no space for herself, she had to function and be operational, that was the expectations on her from all. And it was not until she was in her mid 70’ies that she could start to think of herself. Despite been frail and living alone, she has energy and zest for live and would be thrilled to send you Reiki.

If yes could you send me a picture  of you , so she could focus exclusively on you every day. 

What do you think?”

I replied, “What a journey this lady has! Energy and zest! Do you have a picture of her too? What drives her? She’s a living inspiration. And why did she want to reiki me? I haven’t even met her!

I don’t know how to do long distance healing. But I can send pinky love! Thank you for making the connection! Now I have one more angel 😇”

How did this lady do it?

After this all? If I can peek into her heart!

It must be SO much deep gratitude and loving life. Total acceptance. Big heartedness. That I do not know yet

Then teacher said, “You do not have to do or give anything. 

Just lay back and enjoy.

Can you do that?”

When I saw “You do not have to do or give anything.”

It lands directly at my heart.

I always had to do many things, I always had so many things to do ——for others first. I always had to do so many things to get the things I want. Things that come my way are hard earned. This is my experience.

Is there any other way ? Maybe! 

So do I really not have to do anything? 

Just like when Teacher told me he would reiki me from afar, or how he’s been looking after me from afar. As much as I m grateful, I cannot understand how it feels like. Why would he even do it? Why does he want to do this? How long has he known me? What good can he have out of this?

Possibly nothing so why does he even commit?

Now looking at this lady who is offering kindness from afar, I am reminded of what he says, “ I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

And this “But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally.”

Have I had this “ i cannot let you…” feeling before?

What is unconditional? I wanted to taste it. Feel it.

Have I experienced it?

Yes. 

Love from my nanny, we moved in with my nanny who took care of me till 7, right after mom’s passing.

My nanny gave me shelter

And always, family home cooked food and soup that went right into my heart to warm me.

Soup that rescued my heart, my entire being, my soul even.

I m reminded of the conversation I had with Huaihao and Qinzhi a while ago.

One day at bedtime, I asked them, “is there someone you think, could take care of mommy, like how mommy takes care of you?”

They said “in the past it was popo yiyi”———- which is how they addressed my nanny  

I asked, “what about now?”

They couldn’t think of any

I take it that the universe heard this conversation. 😊

What is unconditional? How does unconditional feel to you?

Probably when I was very much in love with my then boyfriend and wanted to do everything I can for him.

I thought of my mother’s love for my father. I thought of ah ma’s giving for the tribe. Pretty unconditional I would say.

Can I not be unconditional like them? 

Pretty scary the way they do their unconditional thing.

But one other scene popped up- when Qinzhi collapsed in cedele that day, one couple came over to help. That was close to the unconditional feeling .

The readiness and willingness and graciousness to offer your very essence for another being in the time of need. Pretty close to unconditional I would say.

And now Teacher and this lady.

The one thing common—–this unconditional thing is powered by love and compassion.

Or—Is it like me and how I give my kids? Pressing myself and my priorities down?

There’s something in the way I do it that it doesnt feel like it.

When we do this Unconditional thing —can we do it with more awareness?it be nicer to the self while giving to others? 

One more question- have I unconditionally love myself cared for myself? If I haven’t , Can I do that or start doing that? Can I try to love myself the way I love my kids?

More importantly, why is is that I cant take this kind offer immediately?

I don’t seem open enough to kindness generally.

In fact I feel numb to it and I couldn’t reply teacher. What is stopping me? 

Don’t I need this? No! I absolutely needed it. I was crying out for help and I dont know where or when the help would come.! I m totally lost and dont know what to do.

Maybe this was exactly that I felt many times many years ago. I am glad I could vocalise this now.

And I still have a long way to go——-After all these circles, mental analysis and interpretations, drawing out every inch of energy trying to steer myself every day to the right path , I have not really vocalised my need to actively ask for help.

Like that day when I needed, I didnt say it, then Teacher texted me, n I told him, I tried to do it on my own.

And I am angry at myself for not reaching out. Not saying it out, again.

I realise I have been so angry with myself of late. For making all these choices I have. What exactly is stopping me from a breakthrough?

I think of Qinzhi, when she needs help she doesnt say it too. Until of late, she’s become pretty expressive. 

How did it happen? She’s transformed in a way. 

Just yesterday, she was asking me:”mommy, do you think I m talkative?”

She wouldn’t know how much it means to me to hear her talk. I love it so much I cannot be grateful enough now that she is talking like that.

This is another teacher who is teaching me. Maybe I should learn from Qinzhi.

Going back to the point of doing it by myself, life teaches me that in a way. To just try day after day again and again. If I falter, I would try again. 

I do not choose the easy way out even if there was at times.

Or when people defaulted, I just suck it up and didnt ask for help. I reinforced my capabilities to be by myself. I got disappointed And I hardened up more.

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing there was help?

Where was it down the road that I started not knowing how to open my mouth to get help? What silenced me?

What if I got disappointed but didn’t harden up?

I closed things off! Didn’t I? 

I blocked them away

And I remember each time people are nice to me, I felt indebted and I would do double and made sure I “paid” it back

But still angels came.

And when I saw Teacher ask “Can you do that?”

I couldn’t reply to this message. Until I FEEL I can.

How should I approach this? This time? I wanted to feel my way through

How to I asked myself? Can I take this? 

Was there a point in time when I was younger that someone took something that does not belong to them? Or did I?

Was there some fixation somewhere that I didn’t get past?

Did someone take things from me?

Or was it father’s feelings on not being able to deliver payment? He couldn’t pay, we were paying already and this was the best path to rescue all of us then. My then boyfriend and now husband proposed this and I had to propose that and dad —- has no choice but to agree

The next month, I didnt have to wipe out my salary. Even if once in a while, he would still ask me for money to pay other people outside of the bank.

Was it this I m stucked with?

His feeing of this guilt—even now of not paying up as much as he liked to? even if he wouldn’t want to, he feels there is no other choice. And so I couldn’t ask for help? 

Was it this indebtedness that is making me feel little and unworthy of anything good and what I do is just punishing myself? Damning myself to an end?

This is something new to me.

Dad is still paying whenever he can. Earning to pay his debts. Even if he felt there was no way he could ever pay it off this life.

We didn’t speak about this. And I didn’t realize this could have affected me in any way. I thought that was that.

I thought to leave dad to mind his own and that was it

Didn’t realize there was an emotional component that grew on me. Did i absorb his guilt? And feelings of unworthiness? Helplessness? 

He says even if it is hard even if he is broke he prefers it this way —to continue paying off bit by bit so it is easier on his conscience. It was a promise he made that he wants to fulfill.

He does not like to owe people and would rather choose to be hard on himself 

And now writing all this——What a powerful lesson!

He chose this way, as if to punish himself so maybe he could be more at peace.

Is there another way?

Was this why I needed to figure it all out?

I tried to understand this Teacher said, “can you do this”, I tried to feel for this at bedtime yesterday but I fell asleep

In the morning, I tried again. I really wanted to feel the acceptance before I replied.

And Huaihao was up earlier, so I told him and asked him, should I take this kindness from a lady 90 yr old and so far away?

And Huaihao says yes, because people are nice to you and you should take the kindness.

This little teacher says———– you do not need any reason. You do not have to think so much, Just be intuitive and be with the flow.

Or, you are good enough.

And strangely, yesterday I was pulled into a meeting with top players from SG’s food industry, everyone is banding together———TO ASK FOR HELP. Help from the government to HELP with rental and manpower issues so they can save jobs and keep the industry going through this crisis,

It was a ground up thing

Honestly I felt a bit out of sorts and blocked

I must be caught in between giving and receiving I didn’t know how to give and was half hearted 

But this morning I did a bit more and it felt good actually 

To not ask whether it will work but just do and give of whatever you can to support and push things in a direction that could help

I think the balance between giving and receiving has been tipped and I m reassessing my position with these

When I did my reiki in the morning, I heard myself say, yes. Lets do it. Lets just try it, try receiving.

The exact opposite of what I have been doing.

I know this is a biggest teaching in itself

Just stop giving, try opening up to receiving and see where it is taking me. thats’s a different road like Huaihao said,

Practise receiving———no wonder I do not know the divine is with me. 

What deep teaching this all has been. So much uncovering———- This receiving.

Aiyo!

From My Guardian Angel

From My Guardian Angel

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In my life, in my time of need, angels come to me.

Many times I do not know it! Like I asked Stephan, when he says, “they are all with you” because how would I know?

So apparently a spectrum of green lights!

But other times I know, like my art therapy teacher Yen, Mr Ng, and Teacher Stephan who have seen me through my worst when I am down. They offer their presence and to hear me draw, talk, shout , cry out my pain.

My teacher wrote me this very nice note, to capture points that could help me—–and, perhaps you.

We are living in different spaces, different time zones, different cultures, different realities, but perhaps, somewhere, someplace we are similar.

“Since I have seen how fast und deep your healing process worked, during the Reiki sessions, and how you continue to explore, question yourself, your past, present and future and so get to know yourself to become whole and in peace with yourself… I cannot let you go on your own through this very challenging time.

What I write you are just my perceptions, and I might be totally wrong. Please do tell me when you think I’m off the track. But know I’m always on your side and I trust and believe in you totally and unconditionally. So here it goes…

Your fast healing process causes an overload of emotions, you feel so unstable and insecure inside, you fear you are cut off from your deepest self, but outwardly you try to hold yourself upright.

Fear is blocking your development. You are looking gloomy at yourself and your situation! Pain and grief overgrow your whole self. You feel your are not able to lead your life yourself; this fear, grief and resentments cause aggression, which you suppress, which you have suppressed for such a long time. There is no trust in yourself and life and you are afraid of falling , of crashing.

To all this you put up a brave and strong front. Pulling and pushing , set direction, keep the control and endure the pain… because you are so used to it, you had always to do it, because you had no other choice.

Let go of what is not really good for you; do not try to hold on.

Nothing you do not know already. Right?

Your healing, your wholeness is advancing super fast and intense. and so is also your awareness and clarity about yourself.
You have started to be loving and gentle with yourself, having your space and time of to feel safe and calm. This is the crucial part. And I am extremely happy about it, because it means you have broken already with the cycle.

Care for the little child, the girl in your being and give her security, warmth and affection, because only this love will bring peace and dispel fears. No longer let your feelings overwhelm you, but consciously take the girl, who had to suffer and endure so much, who had such a hart time by the hand.

You are good and precious: Do not stamp your true feelings and thoughts, your natural creativity into the ground.

Do not accumulate feelings, let them all flow freely ( even if they feel like lashing out, but why not?), do not feel obliged, but process your grief and throw all the ballast off your back and come to inner peace. Do not fight against life, but enjoy it. You and the girl, in you, have a right to joy and happiness. Don’t punish yourself, look at life in its nuances, which I read, you do every day and in a beautiful way.

Trust in your deep self, in your inner authority, which will always provide you with sustenance. A deep trust in the creative forces of nature, in the endless supply of energy ( Being Conscious, Love), to enable new growth in your life again and again. Trust your heart (the loving-kindness of the Divine, within you).
The life-giving energy of the universe; lay down safely in the womb of your warm nature.

So don’t be afraid and trust your heart!✨

Realising Me xvi

Realising Me xvi

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Is it any more valuable to punish ? To find someone to blame to take responsibility?

No

Not at all

Yesterday, at one low point, one very low point, this thought came over.

all that happened came as a result of an aggregate.

it was made of a sum total.

everyone chipped in, myself included.

and i probably steered it the most, because I have been unconscious of this whole wheel of life that is rolling.

it brought me all of the heartaches and pains, all the hurt and the suffering.

But it also brought me a lot of wonders—-all the wonderful people i met, all the beautiful food I had the opportunity to savour, all the meaningful travel experiences i have, all the teachers and angels I met, then my two precious.

And what choices do I have?

Logically, the best I can think of—– move forward with it.

How?

Embracing it, acknowledging it. Studying it, processing it to understand how my subconscious have been taking control with all these learned reactions, wiring, programming.

Taking all the good ones, and letting go of those that doesnt work for me or learning to transform.

Easier said than done, but a way out at least that can anchor me for a bit.

Work on the emotional side may be more tricky and, I have to be patient.

I thought of Daniel Boulud, and what he said to me—-there is no hurry to become a great chef. but if you believe in cooking….

be gentle TPY.

lets go again.

And i slept really early with the kids yesterday. Today, I wake up feeling like I can do it again, dont know where the energy is from, but there’s a willingness at heart that says, “I want to have another go at it, let me try—— again.”

thankful I have the opportunity and a new go.

Huaihao didnt want school today because he’s had an infection on the tongue that he complains of, then he said a girl was bullying him at school, taking his things and being naughty. He said he shared this with the teacher and has told his classmate but it didnt help.

If it were the past, I would have insisted he goes to school in a top down military approach. We have been taught —how can you NOT go to school if it were something so minor?

But I didnt.

After reasoning with him, I took him on my laps and asked him about his tongue and his pain.

I shared with him what possibilities have caused this and the steps we can do to make it better.

And with his classmate, I encouraged him to ask her to be courteous and ask whenever she wants something. And I also checked with his teacher who resonated that this little girl has been getting out of hand.

I shared all these with huaihao, and more, that the little girl might be need of something, attention and something more, but didnt really know how to express it.

So Huaihao could be patient with her to help her. And to be gentle and to give her some space.

And, to give her some “pinky love”

Then I did reiki with huaihao beside me on the bed, I was thinking it might not be easy, what if he makes noises and asks me questions?

But I tried it all the same, and it wasnt that bad.

Today, the session appears to me like an inward looking experience.

Its almost as if I have eyes that are turning inwards as I worked on each part. Just looking at it and seeing how it is there or what calls out to me.

There are times I slip into a deeper inside, then I would surface again, travelling to different depths.

Then I realise some fear surfacing. Where is it from? I ask.

Just observe

The fear comes up to my upset chest and heart, like a wring of energy or ache that takes over. Its got this crippling effect that renders your limbs slightly lighter and the body feels a tightening, a freezing.

Feels metal cold, and I thought of the time daddy was in hospital after surgery.

And I had to visit.

I can still see the blanket

Then mom.

Myself at the hospital when uncle slipped at his workplace and just dropped dead

OR the fear when we didnt know where my husband’s mom went and we felt the worst could be coming.

wow.

And I recalled yesterday during the reiki I did for myself, a pang of fear rose upright too. Much stronger yesterday then today. 

I just observe it until I feel energy flows again and moved my hands to other parts.

Itaewon Class

Itaewon Class

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Was that life? Well then! Once more!

I finished another Korean drama <Itaewon Class> . The story is of Park Saeroyi who beats up a bully in class to find his life forever changed.

The bully has a backing. His father owns one of Korea’s most successful food business. The father wants Saeroyi to kneel down to apologize after beating up his bully son. But Saeroyi refuses.

“Because I do not feel like I need to (apologise)”

He refuses to budge. His father is an employee of this rich man, and is called in. The father supports his son’s decision because this attitude this strength is something he has yet to achieve with his own life . He quits his job but ends up dying and being killed in a hit and run—— and as with Korean dramas, who else but this bully is the one at the wheel.

The story goes on to show how Saeroyi bases his life on revenge , to get back. He studies his enemy’s biography and vows to be more successful and to one day take over his enemy’s business.

And he did finally after all attempts to be thwarted by the old man.

And Saeroyi did it with all of life’s most precious values. values that are these days swept under the carpet.

Have written down some quotes which called out to me:

“People have their way of making judgements

Good and bad can be very vague but when you are exceptional people know for sure”

“I may come from nothing but there are things I want to do.

I will do what it takes

You have no right to measure my value”

Feels like how I have come through too, rising from the ashes, building myself up but by bit.

“I m impressed

You r doing what you want”

How difficult for some—— to just, do what they want!

“You don’t need to be on anyone’s side but your own”

“I trusted”

“a person with a clear goal can achieve many things”

At some point in time, I find myself understanding that ——It is depth that makes calm. The deeper you have gone or sunken into, that is the very depth that makes one calm and unreactive even if the wind blows

“I want my words and acts to have power so pple cannot dismiss me or my people”

“I don’t want to be swayed by injustice or acts of it

I want to live a life where I make my own decisions”

And I thought of this thing called ——One of a kind

“I don’t have to convince others about who I m

I want my words and acts to have power”

And how do we give our words and act power? It’s the intention or heart behind it

There’s a very nice poem too in the drama.

I m diamond

“I’m a rock

Go ahead and sear me

I won’t budge, I’m a rock

Go ahead and beat me up

I’m a solid rock

Lock me up in darkness

I’m a rock that shines alone

I defy nature’s ways of breaking, turning to ashes, and decaying

I survived

I am a diamond”

This came from Itaewon Class ep12

I m. A rock—— m I not? We all are.

In Epi 13, yet more nice quotes.

“I m just me

I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation”

“There r people who keep me strong and I want to make delicious food to repay them”

“She’s someone whom you can bet your life on”

“Follow my heart and be myself

Have I been committed?”

“Now I regret that day a lot”

Is there a day I regret? I asked TPY

In episode 15, Saeroyi was in a hit and run accident, pretty much like how his father died. He slept for a long time and the story goes that his consciousness has gone on to meet with his father. They catch up ever since his passing.

And this time, Saeroyi’s father brought him to a bridge.

“Where are we going?” the son asked

“To a place where there’s no painful nights”

Saeroyi stopped.

“Life has been tough and burdensome yes…each time I tell myself, I can do it, We will be fine,….but ”

He recollected the time he was in the office with the woman he loved, and she was reading a book, and it read, “Was that Life? Well then, once again.”

She said that she didnt understand what that meant until she met him

“Can I hug you?…If I get the chance to be born again, I want to be born as your son” Saeroyi said to his father.

“ I love you…so much.”

“I love you too “, said the father.

He has decided not to go cross the bridge with his father.

He retreated and made steps back

“Dad, have a peaceful trip. I m not going with you “

“Was that life? Well then. Once again!”

He remember The girl he loved said

He said to his father this: “I don’t mind spending all those painful nights again. In fact they are not as painful anymore. I have friends who give me joy and I look forward to seeing what the future holds with them.”

“I know you are no longer with me. But I m going to embrace my yearning heart and I’ll continue to live my life”

To which the father said, “Saeroyi you finally got it, This is what Life is, you can overcome anything as long as you are alive, I mean it

I m so proud of you my son. Keep on living this way. ”

Saying a proper goodbye! Saeroyi didnt get to say a proper goodbye, when his father died

And he’s come to accept his father’s death when he says : he will embrace his yearning heart

I thought about myself and how I found peace or have I? With mommy’s passing. This is definitely one way out.

“M I going there to die ?”

“No you are going there to survive”

When Saeroyi thinks of his love: “My heart and mind are filled with you. Is that how you have always felt? The heart beating?

“When I m with you my heart beats and it’s fun

Let’s be happy”

In the final episode, the old man who tries to destroy Saeroyi finally comes to him

Saeroyi gives him a treat of tofu stew and the old man acknowledges that it is very good

Saeroyi says it’s because he takes care of the fermentation of soya such that

“On a cold day the warmth spreads throughout the body”

The old man says he is treated to a great meal but has not brought money. He asks to pay in another way

And he kneels down

“I apologise with all my heart”

His head touches the floor

“Please forgive me”

And I find myself raising the idea, that there is no other way ——than to apologize if one is at fault

No other way. Because the hurt has been done and it is forever. Sorry just isn’t enough.

“Now that your revenge is over

Live happily”

“We dont know The warmth of people”

Do I? I asked TPY

“When I heard of your past the other day, I wanted to embrace your painful past

I wanted to make your bitter night sweet

When I think of you my empty life fills up with you

Thank you

I love you

I will make you happy”

Ha these were my thoughts too when I got into my relationship.

And a final quote from Saeroyi to wrap things “I wanted to be happy

without losing myself

I want to achieve everything I want

There are difficult days

Sometimes I was nervous and afraid

How did I get through this

With my loved ones

I led a hectic life doing what I want to do

Staying with them

With them

In search of happiness

Happiness

The warmth I share with you

I m already happier than I imagine

I could be”

Be free

Be free

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Because I do not want to be at home

Because I need space for myself

Because I don’t know where to go

I landed here

In front of Buddha

With all my pain and brokenness

Dear Buddha,

May all sentient beings have happiness and it’s causes

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and it’s causes

May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrow less bliss

May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, be free from anger attachments and share compassion with all beings

Dear Buddha

I pray that because of the anger I have all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of the pain and the difficulties I have, all sentient beings not have to experience that

Because of all that I have gone through, not a single one have to go through any of those

Dear Buddha.