7 Yrs 3 Mths

7 Yrs 3 Mths

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Dear Huaihao

I have been reading the gokai at bedtime and one day you asked if I have fulfilled all my duties?

haha

What do you mean?

“Because I do not want you to leave the room, I want you to be with me”

Huaihao’s a light sleeper and if i left the room, there were times he would wake up in the middle of the night to look for me, sometimes i would be in the study or in the living room and he would insist that I sleep next to him.

“Sleep,” he would say and kiss and put his little hands over me.

That day I was so busy I delayed everything but attend to channeling my efforts to helping with the food industry pro bono.

Huaihao came to me at midnight and insists I go and sleep.

When I didnt, he came out to the study again to get me. Then when I didn’t go to bed, he came to the kitchen to look for me.

In half plea half anger tone, he ordered: “Sleep”

And on the bed again, he was tossing and turning and saw that perhaps I was contemplating to sneak “Sleep Mommy”

His insistence was so sure, I felt like that was another soul and not just Huaihao but something greater.

Love this little angel! Although I kept saying he has to start sleeping on his own, going to bed every night and sleeping with him gives me too much to be grateful for.

And one night when he accidentally wet his pyjamas, I asked him to just change into a new set of clothes, but he says he will use the hairdryer to dry.

“Its never too late, Mommy ”

He proudly showed off dryer than before PJs and said, “Now you know right, its not too late”

One morning, I was lying on the bed for my self reiki and Huaihao suggests, “ can I give you a massage mommy? “

Why? I asked.

“ Because I want you to sleep”

So he did and I fell asleep

Today he asked me again if we should go to the bed and let him massage me

And we did. And my self reiki sessions now morph into a pre session with massage .

I used the opportunity to invite HuaiHao to rub his hands together and feel the ball of energy in between

Then I told him where my left shoulder hurts and he can put his hands there

And I would allow myself the time and space to feel his magic and I did and shared with him. 

Maybe Huaihao knew I was tired, even if I did not allow myself to rest.

A few days ago, HuaiHao has been naughty and I started slapping his legs

I felt bad doing that and apologized to him. I asked myself if I should apologize and even if it seemed like mommy needn’t need to apologize but punishing a child, I felt I had to .

And I thought about my own experience. My mother used to slap me on my thighs and leave fingerprints on if I didnt obey

I slapped HuaiHao at exactly the same spots

I apologized because I felt that this is not a wise way of educating a kid and I had to spot for choosing that method. 

I asked him , did you feel hurt? And he nodded his head

I explained to him why I did that and told him that I did not want to do this again. I asked for his forgiveness and he said, its okay. 

He said he understood and felt better now that I apologized 

One day out of boredom, Huaihao decided to write a book, in the book Huaihao was dreaming (of cats!haha) and mommy was cooking in the kitchen. Then Huaihao got up and looked for me and wrote that I was cooking rice. Rice was Huaihao’s favourite food.

How wonderful! You have began to write your own book, you have found a way out for yourself and at such a young age,

Please continue to write my dear, this is such a precious gift, writing will connect you to yourself first and foremost, you will learn to put the words to your feelings which helps in awareness or mindfulness. And probably, it could connect you with the world

But besides writing, you had a gift for drawing as well

This made my day, how cute!

And this is one of my favourite pieces. Huaihao flying! Sun smiling, clouds smiling!

Most of all, Huaihao smiling.

And green is green, yellow is yellow.

Feels like Huaihao is feeling free and I m so happy for Huaihao! When can I feel so free?

What an inspiration!

Huaihao didnt have that much homework as Qinzhi so there was more free time, and you were easily finding for things to do, and so I did, you loved quail eggs and so you got to peel them!

And then I let you and Qinzhi cook eggs

But your favourite was working on Lego and you have been working on so

many wonderful creations like this one and you would always ask me to listen to your designs

Sometimes I was busy and didnt seem like I was interested and you would go, please, just 5 minutes

Awwww…..

This is just one of the many creations Huaihao has composed. A vehicle that can transform into a gun, with lots of movable parts that can transform too.

Transform and being flexible, agile, malleable ! Thank you for reminding me Huaihao, when you kept on wanting to show me your designs and asked if I have time for you.

And we played shooting games at the stairs as you advent stepped outdoors in like 10 plus days.

Time after these was home based learning , there was zoom, online and offline tasks and you did them really quickly

But more so, time was spent eating!

Mommy cooked healthy things for us all and you loved it

Most of all, you enjoyed açai so much.

Love you Huaihao. Thank you for loving Mommy.

Release

Release

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A few days back, I had the chance to get acquainted with the Lindwall technique of release

It’s basically tapping into one’s awareness and releasing all that programs wiring negativity we have absorbed into our bodies our psyche

And we voice out releasing statements to change the energy field

Finally we rewire and set a new intention to start out with a new set of laws for ourselves

And today I find myself experiencing its wonder

After the sauna session I went to my “place” in the kitchen

It’s where I can face the sun and receive lots of morning light and wind

I closed my eyes and breathed in

And a wondrous journey began

I wanted to work on my skin my keloids and I started saying

I want to release the keloids

I want to release all the painful suffering the skin remembers in this area of my body

And I was brought back to the time dad has to have an operation on his spine and we had to move from tampines to geylang and to move in with ah ma, my aunties and uncles in a terrace house

This part of my body and the keloids I always associated them with the time dad had the operation and was in hospital

That I had to visit him at mount Elizabeth in the intensive care unit with all the tubes and the cold room with a smell of medication

Earlier on , I had seen this fear I carried as a child this anxiety fear of death fear of falling sick fear of hospitals doctors

Until today I had this fear

The energy was there and with my maternal grandmother getting cancer, mom’s sudden demise, uncle tripping and missing his foothold to death, my auntie choosing to fall from death

I sense of my facial muscles tightened how my eyes squinted as I went through this

I come back to release

I release all the fear that I have with these incidents

I release all fear I experienced shouldering as I visited these people in hospital

I release all fear my mother or my family as when we went to the hospital

I release all fear I have going through their funeral and their deaths

then shock came to mind

Yes shock! Earth shattering shock

I release these all

And I open myself up to calm

To groundedness to peace to joy to healthfulness you perfectness

Going back to the memory, where in the past I stopped at seeing the fear I experienced

The amazing thing is , I saw for myself now what I and then mommy felt moving in with ah ma

Ah mania the matriarch and the patriarch

She was the tribe leader and everyone obeyed here commands

I felt that tightness of having to obey to be careful to be prim and proper to be what others want of me

I learned to submit to authorities

I learned to say yes

I learned to compromise and follow rules

I walked on my toes and be fearful

I had to be good

To be perfect

And I learned to keep myself inside

My truest feelings

I didn’t allow myself to be me

I release the need to hide

I release my feelings of being second class

I release all the anger all the frustration of having to bow down

I release my feelings of not being enough

Of forever not good enough as mommy lived in fear of living up to ah ma’s standards and having to bow down to my father’s sisters

At the same time I saw my mother !!!

She was having all these in greater and extreme intensity

At one hand she is so alone experiencing all tris fear of losing her husband and having to worry about finances

At the other hand, she had to live in a household that has great expectations and laws

I absorbed all she felt !!!

And I release all this for mother

All these for mother

And may mother wherever she is now, experience all the light all the wonder all the healing she deserves all of it

She is enough

She is

And so it is

And I feel so grateful so full of thankfulness and joyful that I have the chance to do this release for her

And with that I open myself up to support to consciousness to healing myself

I open up to creating TPY

It’s basically tapping into one’s awareness and releasing all that programs wiring negativity we have absorbed into our bodies our psyche

And we voice out releasing statements to change the energy field

Finally we rewire and set a new intention to start out with a new set of laws for ourselves

And today I find myself experiencing its wonder

After the sauna session I went to my “place” in the kitchen

It’s where I can face the sun and receive lots of morning light and wind

I closed my eyes and breathed in

And a wondrous journey began

I wanted to work on my skin my keloids and I started saying

I want to release the keloids

I want to release all the painful suffering the skin remembers in this area of my body

And I was brought back to the time dad has to have an operation on his spine and we had to move from tampines to geylang and to move in with ah ma, my aunties and uncles in a terrace house

This part of my body and the keloids I always associated them with the time dad had the operation and was in hospital

That I had to visit him at mount Elizabeth in the intensive care unit with all the tubes and the cold room with a smell of medication

Earlier on , I had seen this fear I carried as a child this anxiety fear of death fear of falling sick fear of hospitals doctors

Until today I had this fear

The energy was there and with my maternal grandmother getting cancer, mom’s sudden demise, uncle tripping and missing his foothold to death, my auntie choosing to fall from death

I sense of my facial muscles tightened how my eyes squinted as I went through this

I come back to release

I release all the fear that I have with these incidents

I release all fear I experienced shouldering as I visited these people in hospital

I release all fear my mother or my family as when we went to the hospital

I release all fear I have going through their funeral and their deaths

then shock came to mind

Yes shock! Earth shattering shock

I release these all

And I open myself up to calm

To groundedness to peace to joy to healthfulness you perfectness

Going back to the memory, where in the past I stopped at seeing the fear I experienced

The amazing thing is , I saw for myself now what I and then mommy felt moving in with ah ma

Ah mania the matriarch and the patriarch

She was the tribe leader and everyone obeyed here commands

I felt that tightness of having to obey to be careful to be prim and proper to be what others want of me

I learned to submit to authorities

I learned to say yes

I learned to compromise and follow rules

I walked on my toes and be fearful

I had to be good

To be perfect

And I learned to keep myself inside

My truest feelings

I didn’t allow myself to be me

I release the need to hide

I release my feelings of being second class

I release all the anger all the frustration of having to bow down

I release my feelings of not being enough

Of forever not good enough as mommy lived in fear of living up to ah ma’s standards and having to bow down to my father’s sisters

At the same time I saw my mother !!!

She was having all these in greater and extreme intensity

At one hand she is so alone experiencing all tris fear of losing her husband and having to worry about finances

At the other hand, she had to live in a household that has great expectations and laws

I absorbed all she felt !!!

And I release all this for mother

All these for mother

And may mother wherever she is now, experience all the light all the wonder all the healing she deserves all of it

She is enough

She is

And so it is

And I feel so grateful so full of thankfulness and joyful that I have the chance to do this release for her

And with that I open myself up to support to consciousness to healing myself

I open up to creating TPY

11 Years 2 Months

11 Years 2 Months

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Dear Qinzhi

It seemed like yesterday that we were walking to school 5 days a week, but how much the world has changed since then.

SG launched into circuit breaker mode on 7 April, and we have been home since then.

When the world was to you home, school, orchard road and the others, the world became home. I wonder how you think, hmmmm, I didnt really ask you how you felt.

I would love to know.

Since then, you have not really stepped out of our block of flats, at most, you and Huaihao played outside of our house, we turned the staircase into some sort of a game area.

Mommy tried to involve you and Huaihao in cooking and you love it!

And of course, you had home based learning.

You loved the zoom meetings with your friends and teachers. You had online and offline tasks. Some days were good and some were not so good.

You didnt really like homework.

One day, you just didnt feel like doing anything.

Papa said you were lazy, and that you dont even want to practise or do tongue exercise, you lashed out crying and said, “i dont know how to do it!”

The cry was one of inadequacy and helplessness.

Mommy tried to talk to you because indeed, work is piling up and you didnt exactly know how to work around them. so at best, you just did it and didnt bother about understanding.

We had a heart to heart talk.

I asked you, if you had used your heart to spend the moments, which were not ever going to come back and you didnt, would you regret?

I could see that you were moved.

I told you how I had a piano and an organ when I was 7 but I didnt appreciate it too, and now I regret, because I didnt really use my heart then.

I hope that by sharing my experience with you, you needn’t have to go in circles, like I did to understand things. I told you so,

I said that if you knew what you wanted in life, and you did it with your heart, you would succeed and you needn’t even have to attend school, which was just one option of the many we could take out in life.

I encouraged you to work out a simple plan to carry about your activities, the ones you need to work on, and to rest and do the things you like.

The next day, you worked well.

And at the end of it, I did a quick summing up and told you that although it was busy, you had the satisfaction of working through it because you persevered.

On this day, papa cooked breakfast, how was it?

I think it was pretty good. The last time he cooked, it was when you were in my tummy, and he would do this kind of breakfast.

But Mommy had nicer things and all that Qinzhi liked.

Everyday was busy, for you and for me. I tried to keep everything neat and comfortable for you, I cooked meals you liked, I went to source for good ingredients even if it might be a bit difficult, I went to get different food you like,

On weekends we ordered in just to give you some variety and exposure to what is available,

I hope these little bits helped you form some yummy memories of this extraordinary time we live in.

Or perhaps, we choose to live in.

Most of all, I wanted to see you smile and be happy and to let you know, even if we are at home, we are not confined and can continue to eat well and live well.

And when you look back later on in life, you will remember this time and the yummy things you have eaten will give you all the strength and inspiration you need to be well and happy .

What do you want?

What do you want?

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What do you actually/really want TPY? Do you even know?

Teacher checked on me from afar and asked me these. Faced with a message like this, I couldn’t really come up with an answer.

He says, “You are working on yourself and that is the most important task.

You are working on many fronts and that can be quite overwhelming. 

I was wondering if you have a top 3 list of the most important points to resolve;

Which would give you the greatest release and relief?”

I took some time to mull over these.

1) I want to heal the cyst completely

2) I want to heal the keloids completely

3) I want to heal/accept my past experiences without judgement and achieve balance/ peace with the most important men in my life, my father and my husband

Seems like a lot to do!

I think part 3 I have said it like 20 years ago but I m still at it! Ha and in the time I have achieved little progress, the cyst has came on and so did the size of the keloid and the inflammation brought on

Teacher said, “Back to the 3 points. To resolve or remove an issue (or layer) i have to identify, to become aware, recognise it (out of the shadow into the light). So i can face it. “

I think I recognized but didn’t really want to face it, out of fear and worry of what may come. This fear and worry is reaction out of habitual patterns I have accumulated since there was me, or patterns I have become accustomed to, I have consciously or unconsciously absorbed into my system from people around me.

It is the acceptance part I have problems with.

Logically I can understand choices made and how or why, but emotionally and therefore energetically, I am still in need of help to totally accept these events.

Why must I accept all these? When I feel like I am at the victim end of it ? And have to suffer and go through so much as a result of others choices? My logical mind asks. The events seem so bizarre and—— unimaginable——Is it even right to accept these?

So these years, I have been caught in a mix of—- working at these, sometimes feeling more acceptance, sometimes leaving things there, sometimes pressing them down. Going in circles.

Teacher went on to say , “Coming from the past it can not be undone. But instead of fighting or repressing it, I will accept it.

Once accepting/acknowledge the fact from a distant point of view, I can look at it observe it from a safe distance. So I can forgive my past self and those involved in the past 

And then, this is the most important part, I will be able to neutralise the judging thoughts and emotions which have held me back. Looking at the past without judgement (positive/negative), will free me from all the burdens which I have carried around and have weighted me down.

Then I can move on to the next one.

All human beings we have experiences and stories…all. The difference on how well we live in the present, is how much we can let go from the past.”

Teacher reminded me to ground whenever I need. “ In these cases just ground yourself… with heart centred, joshin kokyu or and other grounding exercise in a sitting position.”

And I saw this: The purpose of being alive is to experience life itself, to learn to create to inspire.

And then I saw this:

What would your vision be?

This Wild Wonderful World

This Wild Wonderful World

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Huaihao says its the weekend tomorrow and asks if we could read.

We always read at bedtime, and he loved it. Because I read in an animated fashion, sometimes he would giggle and laugh and that was music to me.

But ever since I started doing massages for Qinzhi, Huaihao has had to wait till I finish. Sometimes he would wait for his turn to read a story with me. And I felt bad when he asks, “Mommy, can we read? “

It had been a given to him , but now, he had to ask for permission of sorts

Sometimes he would retort, “but you always give attention to Qinzhi, why do I always have to wait?”

Today Qinzhi is out watching some tv and I had time with Huaihao, I asked him to choose the books he wanted and we read, and he giggled.

And that giggle really warmed me.

Almost like a rescue of sorts. And we read this book

And we read this paragraph above.

There were lots of difficult to read dinosaurs that I didnt even know, and Huaihao knew them as if they were his friends.

How old he must have been , haha.

And I especially love this paragraph .

Asha was wondering why the Hatzegopteryx could fly even if it were so heavy.

And Professor Penelope said that there are many impossible things that turn out to be true in this wild wonderful world of ours.

I didnt know what Huaihao thought but now as I wrote about it, I wanted really to know what he thought when he heard those few lines.

Because I felt a relief and a sense of happiness , a joyful feeling—-that there are infinite possibilities and everything and anything is possible , YES in this WILD WONDERFUL WORLD we live in, AT THIS TIME.

IF anything, the covid19 pandemic made this even more true.

Like a sense of opening up and acknowledging, this world is So So So wold anything can happen

It sort of answers all the why I have had in a way

This wild yet wonderful world. And its empowering, like you find power put back into your hands, to create what you want in this wild and wonderful world in which anything can happen

How amazing! and so it is that we are living now and here.

How amazing it is, that we have chosen to live now and here.

It’s almost like an invitation to construe and construct my own wild wonderful life

If this isnt magic, I do not know what magic is.

Thank you Huaihao, for reading with me. And lets! Start building wild wonderful moments

Bringing the rain in

Bringing the rain in

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It’s pouring

And I m loving it

I imagine the globe 🌎 washed and purified by rain

And it comes out of the rain, brighter, cleaner, happier

I remember when HuaiHao was smaller, I carried him to the window whenever it rained and I would encourage him to put his hand out to feel the rain

There’s always the smell of rain too

And today whenever I see rain, I always remember this little moment we shared and would be coaxed into putting my hand out as well

How beautiful to be able to smell and feel rain.

You don’t have to do anything

You don’t have to do anything

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Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche gave his second teaching online at 0000hrs today.

And some points which called out are :

  • You don’t have to do anything, just be—-and it reminds me of my own experience the day before during the self reiki, its almost like a chef, who has mastered all techniques of cooking and throwing the techniques away to tune in to his emotions and to cook what he feels like or to cook in response to the ingredients.
  • Perceptions in meditation, such as seeing things, eg enlightened beings or ghosts, hearing things: don’t care
  • Lockdowns experienced worldwide now, provides great opportunities for retreat, you dont have to apply for leave now to get on a retreat!
  • As you build up your experiences, texts develop different meanings
  • Everyday there is something new, try to discover yourself, learn about yourself, reflect, mediate, and to grow
  • Important thing is balance
  • Looking back at the past, when you look at great discoveries, there always is a moment of breaks, quiet, rest there is a lot of discovery, use this precious time to grow, to transform, to learn, about nature of reality
  • Set your intention before practice
  • Dedicate your practice after
  • You need panic or thought or emotion for meditation! You NEED the panic! Panic becomes the teacher
  • All these panic/thoughts/emotions can be used—-I call it inner recycling
  • If you see the river, you are not in the river. And, don’t expect the river to go away
  • The moment you are lost and you come by/to, you feel that you are so alive!
  • Open awareness or objectless mediation

Awareness is like a lamp, it lights the surroundings and itself

Similarly, awareness is like the map, it is self luminous and ruminating others

Mind is like the sky, thought/emotions is like cloud, they come, they move, they go

Awareness, our basic innate goodness is like the sky, it is pure, calm, free, always open, pollutants, clouds they cannot change the quality of the sky, no matter what, so let the clouds come, let the clouds go——you don’t have to do anything.

Awareness is there, you do not have to make it, just discover it, you can use object such as sound, to discover awareness

  • Allowing to be yourself is great kindness to yourself
  • No meditation is the best meditation
  • No mediation means= being present and don’t get lost, whatever the mind is, just be, it means= being uncontrived, be natural

You don’t have to do anything, just be.

Not doing anything is the best thing you can do

Realizing Me xx

Realizing Me xx

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With home based learning and everyone at home, we have had the opportunity to live—— as a family.

And as much as there are moments of impatience and frustration, there are many moments that spark joy.

It’s been a week since Singapore launched into circuit breaker mode and the kids seem to be adapting well , with excitement exploring online learning and me feeding them. It’s a good thing daddy gets some days to work from home too and can help with the kids.

And I will grab whatever little time I have for my self reiki

Today instead of the usual morning session, I get the chance to lie on the bed in the afternoon

Maybe I was tired. But the session today taught me one thing.

And that is——- to go with the natural rhythm.

After 32 breaths or maybe not even, I already lapsed into a deeper somewhere

And that was great.

I thought of my yoga sessions or reiki sessions where I lapsed into somewhere and that is when/because you are relaxed

When you are relaxed, everything flows. You are in tune with everything, your heart your body your mind with nature with environment with universe with divine

And

How do we keep this state of deep relaxation without losing mindfulness in our daily life and activities

Relaxed and not tight ; relaxed but not lost

I wake up when I had too and feeling refreshed and rested

Such a beautiful teaching ! 😊

Talking to Your SELF

Talking to Your SELF

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We talk a lot to ourselves.

It’s just how much we aren’t aware of that conversation that is going on. Put it another way, there’s too much talk going on between the unconscious mind to the body that we are not aware of.

I say this because recently I have started to talk a lot to myself

In the shower, when I used to be unaware of the chattering going on in my mind, now I am consciously using the opportunity to talk to my body or myself —- such as, may the water cleanse me thoroughly and dissolve all that does not serve my physically emotionally and mentally spiritually

And the content actually evolves

Like when I used to say please dissolve the keloid or cyst —— another day I went, “ let water clean away the memories that do not serve me any longer”

And then today it became’ “ let water clean this area of my body, I m ready to embrace the memories and use it to constructively to help people, lets dissolve the keloid”

These self talk and during the reiki sessions made me aware of how much conversation there can be in myself and how little I m aware . Conversely. How much more I can do to turn on my awareness and use these conversations to rewire or take a shot at programming myself in the way I want

And I think the process starts with being a compassionate listener to yourself

There’s too much to discover with the self