Is there something you can dig out from your past, from the deepest of your realities ———to share?
Is there a possibility of opening up?A few days ago, I had this knowing. Its a strange feeling, strange enough to let you know a something is brewing. Like a mirror. Its clarity and knowing for sure. A calm that grounds you and lets you stand rooted, that keeps you where you are no matter how the outside is swirling.
What is that I asked?
Its knowing you are whole and can be joyful irregardless of anything or everything. Its joy as well reaching that point.
What culminated this knowing? I asked?
In my early meditation or maybe just contemplative me time today, I had an idea. A spark.
The cyst (and how it got here—— all my experiences) wants to be known. Not hidden.
I had been slightly worried about taking about it . Unknowingly, unconsciously, I took to hiding it.
The vibe the energy of this whole thing is sullen and down.
All I know is hiding, hiding my eyes before my glasses, when i used to work, i didnt give myself recognition. I was hiding and not acknowledging my authority, and I was hiding too much past and hiding behind my power behind these past.
But recently I had the chance to talk about it to my relatives as I shared with them the possibilities about plant power. And it felt good that I was sharing , it get good that I was opening up.
I couldn’t sleep last night because I heard a friend’s godfather had aneurysm in the heart. And he is a heart surgeon.
I knew plant power could offer him possibilities the medical world cannot. The phrase that came to mind was—- tell him about my cyst and how it shrunk.
I don’t mind telling him about it if this can open him up to new possibilities
And because of this thought, the cyst became a possibility a hope a positive
It wasn’t easy for me to reach this thought.
How about sharing and opening up further TPY? If it helps others? Not just the cyst but everything else and in between .
I had had the opportunity to see my past experiences as a wealth of resource I can tap into previously. But I haven’t had the chance to use it.
This morning sitting—— I asked, where is my deepest awareness? Can I locate it? Why does it look like? What possibilities does it show?
What is the deepest reality of my awareness? How else can I grow? What else can I do?
I think many.
And first—— the thought about sharing , well at least not hiding the cyst and therefore my past, popped up.
I chose hiding it unconsciously. Because that was the possibility, the sunken and deep seated energy that I was all too familiar because of my life’s experiences.
But I hadn’t known other possibilities.
But the cyst does not want to be hidden! So is the same for all the experiences that brought me here.
If I had any inkling and really looked upon my experiences that once gave me pain and suffering —— as my resource now , there is no reason to behave like I am now.
I would be using the cyst and my experiences. And that would truly be letting these shine as possibilities.
May I have the support of the universe in opening up and in the powerful completion of this transformation, to help myself and others.
I saw something so beautiful this morning I had to write it down
I was at the bus stop waiting for a bus—— to get out home to avoid what unpleasantness I experienced these last few days——- to get away from those emotions I have been trying to manage, yet don’t seem to be getting anywhere
So I get out
While waiting, I saw a Japanese mother and her young daughter waving at the opposite bus stop
And I followed their wave and saw another Japanese mother and her daughter opposite
This young girl at my end called out to her young friend xxx chan! As they do in Japanese. And the pair opposite waved back with all their might
The young girl opposite was trying to get her message across too
I saw the traffic lights turning green and the engines rating to go
And then the two girls who were trying to traverse the gap in between—— with what seemingly important things to shout across the road
How noce
It brought me a smile
Young girls and their wanting to connect—— with the distance in between
Beautiful isn’t it?
And I was pleased with myself for being able to get hold of beauty in this moment
And to be, just be with what is arising
Many times, we are so caught up with our emotions our past our own psychological drama our perceived pain and our interpretations we miss out our moments we miss out life
We miss out the real teachings in these moments offered by others
Thank you young girls , for wanting to communicate across the road, with all that power you have
You are my reminder to awareness, and to check out a new pathway
When i gave birth to you I did it by breathwork and without epidural. I had wanted you very much, I wanted a pregnancy to do all the things i did not do right in my first
I prayed for a boy who would be light, and finally got pregnant with you.I gave birth without epidural and saw for myself the outcomes or at least how i felt differed. During confinement, I did all I didnt do in my first.
I raised you myself unlike my how I did with qinzhi, my first baby and saw for myself how different you are.
In daily life, and so many experiences in life, i have been given this opportunity to do again, what I did not or had not done so right. You remind me to.
You are my light and inspiration.
Like that day, because HuaiHao hugged and kissed me upon every awake, I feel so loved and blessed. Almost like an angel’s caress from the above to give me love and warmth, and battery. You taught me the importance of hugging and love.
That day I bought a new book, Huaihao immediately made me a bookmark!
And then I went to get you books I loved as a kid, and you did love them so very too. We read at bedtime and it was sacred, we giggled and laughed as we read and roamed our imaginary worlds
Huaihao drew lots, like this is huaihao with qinzhi and mommy in snowy land. Inside , are you yearning for a winter holiday? We have had a few, once in winter in Korea, and you were coughing so hard. Then in Japan. It snowed on Cradle mountain in Tasmania too.
And the Spider-Man you draw is so awwsome
Ah mei ah yi wanted a strawberry and this is what you had in mind. So cute!
This was that day at East Coast, you were enjoying the ride!
And you continued to make these awesome lego machines that could transform and played out stories
Yesterday we went to have mommy’s favourite dessert and you loved it too with fried dough sticks
If there’s anyone I have to thank for my life , my personal growth, my evolution, it’s you.
You came as a surprise. In my tribe , everything has to go by the order by the book. You defied that. You wanted mommy to inspect the norms or what is societal or cultural expectations and the truth in these things we most probably blindly follow
Then you made me think about parenting and what is best? Do I let you grow up like I did—- in wonderful nanny’s care while I work or learn to strike a balance?
You kickstarted my healing when shortly after I found that I have a raised cancer marker. That was when I went to see Uncle John and got his advice to eat clean and discovered aromatherapy and plant based power
But while o was checking all these bits of life, addressing the outer layers, I was not really doing enough inner work on myself. I wasn’t really looking into my experiences or the intense emotions that came along
I was just wishing they would stay where they are
Even if I knew this isn’t right
Until you had your seizure
Everything that I kept at bay came back. There’s not much choice but to look at them again, all these suppressed emotions, painful intense experiences
I had no choice but to peel the layers and to look at them,
Then I began to investigate more deeply into healing, energy healing , quantum wisdom , plant power and learned so much about life, reality
And this is, all thanks to you precious one.
You are the one who let me uncover and discover about life and learn so so much. And how ever can thank you be enough teacher?
You are getting taller by the day and I feel dwarfed already standing next to you.
You seem to be telling about growth and aging.
I feel the beauty of life seeing how you bloom.
We came from such a place of despair, we once were, when things are so broken and in need of mending. Everything needed to mend and still is.
But we are progressing.
How did we embark on this journey? Its been one so imbued with so many mixed emotions , pain and suffering, but we came this far—-together.
I m emotional and stirred perhaps because I finally brought people to see Uncle John.
I once brought my cousin to see him, but things fell awry because my cousin didn’t really follow through the recommendations.
I still remember the pain in his parents’ voices when they called me to tell me how my cousin is suffering . And i simply couldn’t handle those.
SO i stopped bringing people to see Uncle John
But i felt a part of me close. Until 2 weeks ago, when granddad felt pain in his chest and had to be at A&E, I decided to bring him to see Uncle John, and coincidentally, my friend too.
Then things picked up speed, and last week I brought 2 aunties to see Uncle John, and amazingly, they shared positive feedback and talk about wanting to try out and change.
Make a change.
I cannot say how wonderful that is.
The feeling of hope. That there is hope and light and wanting to make a change, there’s a direction they can follow and I can feel them wanting to put their foot down to this.
There’s gratitude in there that they are given a chance. And things can improve. I m just so happy and I want to do more for them.
At my own end, I was handling and processing my inner feelings too. When I brought my friend and dad, i still felt some fear
but with xiaogu and liushen, i felt that i m learning, as john speaks to them, i learn lots, the way he speaks, why he uses certain supplements and oil for, and how i can help pple become better and earn some keep/
this sense of education, learning and discovery definitely helped me revisit my past experiences with more light and positivity, helping me see that there’s the importance of a right frame of mind and attitude, and i cant be too attached to outcomes. SO it was my mind in a wrong frame or mindset that caused my own unhappiness.
i actually feel pretty fulfilled when i brought xiaogu and liushen to see john and to hear that they will embark on john’s proposal.
its a great moment of change, and truly truly amazing. People can change overnight. It shows the power of words and energy and I hope I can create more of these fulfilled moments
it makes me want to do better too as a person : and while i thought in the beginning, that they heal with me, now i see that actually, i heal with them
So qinzhi you see, how we learn in life? The way life teaches us is miraculous and truly incredible,
Bought you these, because you were sleeping on your own in your room. And you are beginning to feel at ease and loving your little space.
I look back at the days when we tried so hard to get you to be in your own room. But it seems you are ready now. And this is coming from a space within. You are so much more powerful now Qinzhi.
Uncle John always says to me, when mommy changes, daughter or children change.
Looking at you, made me understand how much I have come.
We went to East Coast yesterday and experienced the sunday morning by the sea, then went for hotpot lunch, and açai.
Ah Mei ayi says she wants cherry and you drew this for her. And she says she cant wait to put it up
I love it when Qinzhi comes over and asks for a hug, like every morning upon awake or when you feel like it.
When in the past you would hide this need, now you are asking for it. What a great change this is.
And i love it that you seem pretty unaffected by results. When there are reviews and assessments, you wouldn’t prepare for it, and when you flunked math, you didnt really mind.
Me neither.
I love this great change. My mommy used to angle in on me to ensure i get the best results, i grew up this way and i sort of wanted you to. But you did your share to let me know this shouldn’t be.
You helped me know study isnt all, and I m so glad i deviated from this old program.
I only want Qinzhi to be healthy and happy. Which is what I wanted when I knew I had you.
Seeing you follow kpop and dance and move to the grooves of kpop made you happy and me too!
The most amazing thing is that when everyone is looking at the stars, he was studying the night sky. He postulates that in between the stars, these night skies, is where lots of information can be retrieved.
Its amazing how transformation can occur, like the buddhist concept of the bardo. The gaps are where the possibilities are. Where the next breakthrough is kept. Wouldn’t have imagined how romantic science can be until now.
Many years back I decided to celebrate mom’s birthday but that ended up to be her first and last
This year, because of realization and lots of mini awakening, I asked my siblings to order in for Father’s Day.
And, What coincidence
A few days later, dad had a pain in his heart area and went to A&E. X rays ruled out heart issues but a few days later , a CT scan showed blockages in his heart
Is it any more surprising?
No! Dad has been keeping too many things to himself and the blockage is as much an expression of his mental health
Yesterday dad called at evening time to say in a weak voice , obviously shocked, about what he has just heard
He said I will have to bring the kids these few days to n back from school
In that few moments I experienced crippling fear. Light and weightless all over, totally overwhelmed
No wonder I felt pricks in my chest area those few days too
I tried to be aware but the forces are too strong really
When dad went to A&E, a thought occurred to me : what would he be thinking of?
Mom —- was the answer.
And amazingly I had the WhatsApp conversation with Angie who pointed out that I needed to handle the fear that was trapped in my cyst
I was trying to, with awareness, with EFT tapping, it’s not easy , I tried to just observe them but I find my mind drifting away to look for other things
So I realized I didn’t really want to manage the difficult emotions
It’s hard work!
And each time I drifted to find something else I brought myself gently back
yesterday with all the fear, I was trying to keep sanity.
So much from the past
I tried to look at them.
I prayed. Thankful I have the reiki group and the sangha at Sasha and Ula’s end to reach out to
But there was still a lot to handle—— from the past! Why, ?!
So much from the past came flying back . They were what I blinked a blind eye to, not allowing not acknowledging not recognizing
Each time I observed fear I tell myself to use this time. Use it. Transform it to my advantage
Use it in support of meditation of my observing to sharpen my senses and to get to know my subtle body better
There’s so so much to know
I ask myself: what is the state or action I want to choose ? I can choose peace and stability over fear, an old reaction an old program
At the same time, there’s so much from the past! It sort of Wowed me. so much content that I m trying to observe and send my awareness to
I intend to use this opportunity to heal, to release all that have been cooped up in my cells in my system . I intend and release them
They can no longer serve me
I went for a long hug and bf patted me on the back. As usual, his advice is to take things matter of factly, without emotions and to be objective so as to solve problems . To accept reality of life.
The same advice from the past
But I think recognizing emotions and at least no shoving them away is so important
I tried to work internally on my own. I prayed to guru rinpoche to ask for blessings and healing and support to guide me every single moment
I used essential oils and they helped me greatly
I used releasing statements to support me
I asked the sun for support
I thought of all the things I learnt and tried to put them to use
I tell myself to choose a different reaction from what I used to. to set in a new program and have the power in my hands
What if I don’t have this past these experiences? How would I be now? I asked?
I remind myself as best I can: use this to transform and to release all the deep deep emotions stored away for these years
I see myself at dad’s bed when he has his spinal operation. That was perhaps my very first deep set fear, of losing of not being able to control
As the sun shone on me, I asked the sun to give me all the support all the awareness and wisdom I need , to heal my relationship with my father , to heal my cyst and all the fear and worry I have. To dissolve the cyst and all of the fear and old programs
I remember after putting down the phone with dad yesterday, the first thing that came to mind was, I want to forgive you . Please give me a chance to. I deeply regret all the ego all the strong feelings of anger and pushing him away and not letting him into my life all these years
I deeply regret this
What for? There’s no use no help to everyone around. There’s no help at all to my life but only detriment to it . I suffer the most bearing these grudges over the years
I promise myself I will try my utmost to practice awareness and to allow whatever rises in me. To not push away to observe to release
And Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s words helped me so much. Now I see why I had been given the opportunity to manage his instagram
I m reminded of the recent podcast Deepak Chopra shared. That all things events thoughts are rainbow bodies and an interaction of entangled light
If so let’s send light internally and also outwards even with this opportunity
And to learn to be space, to welcome experience without judgement
I journey with these thoughts on the bus to find dad. Trying my utmost to practice using this opportunity———I find the best is mingyur rinpoche or Tsoknyi rinpoche method . Relax mind , totally drop everything, just be aware . Whatever feelings that surface , just be aware , do not react . It will be released.
We all have been carrying the hurt the fear the burden far too long, since dad left us that very year and then mom .
The universe wants us to heal and to be loving to each other. Thank you universe. Please be with me, my dearest universe! to send me all the support awareness strength and magic I need.
What I saw at the ward gave me a shock. Wilting health and faces in dullness, dad’s face was rosy and pink I wonder why he is there
I spoke to Su, my reiki teacher who said to me:
There was a lot of golden healing light going through and surrounding both you and your dad last night and this morning.
This morning was particularly intense. The sense I got for your dad is that it’s very much tied to emotions he has not resolved (exactly as you said – keeping too many things in his heart). In particular, something happened (or he witnessed) to him (nothing to do with you directly – you may/may not have been present) when you were 2 months’ old. That one thing seems to be like the cover to this current episode.
In terms of physical blocks, I could not sense/see any that was significant. It was mostly emotional.”
I told Su about the reflections and she said, “letting go and forgiveness. This is really really important for both you and your dad. The letting go, and the forgiveness.
You’ve already started – the first step is recognising the need to forgive and let go.
Before you continue, forgive yourself first. Then your dad. Sometimes saying it out loud really helps. Saying it out loud to your dad and to yourself – very important.
You can share the Ho’Oponopono prayer with your dad. Both of you say it together. Excellent if you can use YL Forgiveness EO at the same.
“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. And I thank you.”
The Hawaiian tribes used to say this prayer (I think they still do) before meeting any other tribes etc and they would successfully avoid conflict.
And you can repeat it over and over. Do it for yourself (your dad too – for himself), then for each other.”
Afterwards I took some time by the beach, to feel the sandy and the seawater washing at my feet
And I felt so good instantly . Mother Nature’s healing prowess. I felt more stable so much more at ease afterward.
If anything . I believe the universe is trying to crystallize my transformation and upgrade.
Give me all the support and all that I need then , universe.
Had the opportunity to watch “The Great 14th”‘s Global Premiere and what the Dalai Lama said, touched me.
Seeing him always brought me back to the time when I listened to him felt his presence in dharmsala, it was pure magic.
These things he said, are awe inspiring, motivating one to become better, to get hold of oneself and be better.
To heal and work on oneself at a personal internal level. Dedicating to oneself first to make good this precious life, and then to others
Quotes from The Great 14th.
“I dedicate my body speech mind to limitless sentient beings, my existence to be some benefit to others, thats part of my main practice.
I myself everyday reading, but also thinking, and i link it with my daily life, daily emotions, then it becomes something living.
Map of the Mind: buddhist literature is richest source of information on emotions,
lacking of sense of others’ pain , and a sense of desire to do smthg to prevent
After I reached India, I really felt I was liberated from pretension. Since my childhood, I want to be just ordinary human being. One occasion i met a chinese friend and we talk about the communist system , because of fear, they hypocrisy i part of their life, so i told them, me too, since 1951- beginning of 1959, o was also compelled to practice hypocrisy . in april 1959 i liberated i became a refugee not no longer practice hypocrisy or pretension . so i think difficult experience was really helpful to break away from all this pretension. thats one important transformation.
so you become closer to reality. things are difficult , there’s no time to say nice words. you must accept reality and tell reality.
“There must be some education of warm heartedness”
“Courage and determination, you must keep. You shouldn’t not be discouraged. With a healthy body determined mind, effort will succeed.”—–what Avalokitesvhara said to him
“One day, I analysed where’s I? where’s self? All of a sudden, I felt no self. During that moment, I had some kind of special feeling, pain, some kind of uncomfortable feeling, pain, lightning. Then I know these appearances are not reality. In real reality, its just interdependent, and no absolute identity.
I reported to my tutor, after he listened, he expressed, soon you will become a genuine practitioner of space. Yogi of space. Yogi of emptiness. I found the real unique teaching and foundation of buddhism is emptiness.”
Things do not exist as they appear
Altruism
“He gave me that vow infant of buddha statue and I cried a lot and often remember that and recharge my altruism “
Ling Rinpoche took every care of me, when I heard of news he got sick, i was very disturbed. When my tutor is no longer there, how can I live? As long as he remained there, i feel something like a solid rock, i can live, when he passed away, no longer that rock. That sadness brings more enthusiasm more determination, I myself should work hard, and fulfill my tutors wish, I MUST fulfil
If you utilise that unbearable feeling, can translate more constructive power.
One monk was in chinese gulag, n he experienced some danger. I asked him what danger, he say : Losing compassion towards chinese
wholistic view important to not develop anger
To have a healthy body, healthy mind, means calm mind is v important
Anger is destroyer of calm mind, you realised anger is no use, instead of solving problems, it creates more problems. Continuously think this way, become a habit.
Culture of Tibetan culture is culture of compassion, non violence, peace. Real culture is richness of thinking power, everything investigate, think of others as yourself, develop genuine sense of well being of other and yourself—useful and relevant to today’s world.
sheer faith that we have truth and truth will prevail
The Power of Inner Truth
Power, good or bad, depends on motivation.
Real meaning of religion is love. Power of sincerity, inner truth.
To be truthful, honest, transparent.
A meaningful life: I had opportunity to help, serve pple, make awareness, ultimate source of happiness is within ourselves not power, not money
Awareness helps makes life easier peaceful.
SO i really feel, as a human being, Serving on that field as much as I can, thats my purpose my meaning of life.
My energy is devoted to these 2 fields, awareness and religious harmony. SO i m very happy very good.
Infinite sentient beings want a happy life devoid of suffering. My happiness and their happiness some kind of connection, my suffering and their suffering also some kind of connection . Therefore i dedicate wholeheartedly my body speech and mind some benefit to others , then you get some kind of real satisfaction and inner strength, that gives me meaning of life.
On internal level, my courage is quite strong. Before I came to India, my life had some artificiality, some ceremony protocol, i came to india (I m liberated, no more pretension) become more realistic , to maintain peace of mind, that was immense help to sustain my healthy body.
For myself, not much time left, perhaps next few years i can be active, then I will go. If there’s a heaven I may go heaven. If not i will reborn on this planet, and try as much as I can make some contribution, for inner peace. Until space remains, thats my daily prayer so long space remains, so long sentient beings sufferings remain, I will remain. I try to make little contribution for peace of mind.
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