“Your frequency is changing. And your frequency is what gives you gravity in the form you are aligned with, for there are many dimensions that you can exist in here. So when you start to shift, the relationships you are in will shift with you, some might fall away, but the relationships you are in will shift with you. And so too will the forms of your life. And these forms can relate to anything in your life – the place you live, the home, the amount you travel, the job you do, the places you like to inhabit, right down to more intimate things, such as food, what you put in your body, the amounts – things start to change, patterns start to change.” ——-Lee Harris
Yes.
The food I put into my body changed. Patterns changed. I started to pick up jogging and walking. My house changed and work changed.
Author Neale Donald Walsch suggests you learn and “go with that. Go with the soul. What the soul is after is – the highest feeling of love you can imagine. This is the soul’s desire. This is its purpose.”
Sounds like good advice.
When we are lost and tuning this way or that doesn’t seem right.
After 7 years 9 months, Huaihao finally slept—-away from me.
He’s never been away since I gave birth to him, but it seems he is adjusting well, other than telling me he cant sleep every night, but he still falls asleep.
I still keep him company, and we do breathing to slow things down to fall into sleep.
And I love it—-when he cups my face with both hands and kisses me on the lips.
Sometimes while waiting for him to fall asleep, i think of things in my mind and my eyebrows knit. I know it only when he points his second finger at my knitted brows and purses his lips.
“why are you frowning mommy? what is on your mind?”
i always thank him for that. Its an exercise on mindfulness and whilst getting somewhere with my thoughts.
Huaihao had many interesting experiences this month. One of them is going to the optician and having his glasses made.
One other precious experience is that of moving, moving house at the age of 7. We moved from Redhill to Marine Crescent, the flat Mommy used to stay in before I got married.
And I think the experience of moving might have been one really important leaf in Huaihao’s growing up years, even if Huaihao may not be aware of it.
But Huaihao kissed the walls of the bedroom he’s slept in since he was born. I told the kids we have to say a proper goodbye, to thank and honour the house for sheltering and protecting us every day and in our time of need. And this is what he did.
And this is truly the magic of Huaihao.
He expresses his feelings so well.
Ah Mei ayi told me earlier, that one day Huaihao asked her, “why are there so many situations recently? like Covid, scammers, etc”
Wow. Its not something any 7 year old would say.
And before long, we are already settled in Marine Crescent
But before we moved, there were some days I could spend individually with Qinzhi and Huaihao. We had a one on one.
And we ate! I love to let the kids sample good food. Somehow somewhere, they will be able to experience the power of eating and what food can gift.
I remember one day after lunch at Tenjin, which Huaihao loves, I asked to take a photo with him, and he walked over, removed his mask and had his face so close to mine. I loved it. He said he loved that I smiled!
And we chatted about anything and everything.
While waiting to pick Qinzhi, we went to the supermarket and Huaihao played cashier.
This is the birthday card Huaihao made for me
And this day, we took Qinzhi for immunisation and then treated her to bubble tea and Burger+. Huaihao brought $$$ and insisted on getting Lego. And he did.
May you always find joy in your passion , may you be well and happy Huaihao.
Princess is beginning to look more and more like a teen.
Angsty one. You could almost feel the raging hormones in her whenever her emotions run high. Qinzhi’s not so adept at conflict situations and she tells you so by shouting at the top of her voice and banging the door to create her own space. But often after that, she comes out fine. She just needs to let go.
Initially I thought this part about managing emotions is something I have to teach her. But now as I am writing about it, it dawned on me that this is something she is showing to me and —-teaching me.
If I m angry, let it out. Don’t keep it in for any internal struggles and having inflammation.
We finally moved out of Redhill on 10.10.2020
This space was where we stayed for about 11 years.
The last few days the house was pretty messy, but we continued to carry out the activities as always.
Qinzhi wanted to make cupcakes with loads of chocolate chips and we did.
I took some photos of Qinzhi in this space, in case in future Qinzhi looks back and she would be able to find this space which nurtured and protected her,
We packed and Qinzhi packed. And she let go of many things too, one of them , the soft toys Ah Seng jiujiu bought for her, she is mindful that these were bought using hard earned money and I m proud of her for being considerate,
She gave them such a hug before saying goodbye to these. And before long, we are out of this space and in a new one. We came back to the flat Mommy lived in when I was not married,
And you both settled down readily. Its not a big space but Grandpa and ah mei yiyi are just next door. And we had dinner every night. Where Qinzhi and Huaihao sleep is where Grandpa used to sleep in and because daddy is working night, is now sleeping in the room I used to sleep in.
Every morning, Grandpa would fetch Qinzhi and Huaihao all the way to Alexandra Primary School and in the afternoon all the way back. While we are deliberating if we want to transfer Qinzhi and Huaihao to a school nearby, I am extremely mindful of Qinzhi’s feelings.
Qinzhi has her friends in school and the teachers she love. While in the past she hates Math she now tells me that now she looks forward to Math and loves the subject. I texted her teacher to thank her for not giving up on my Qinzhi and for instilling this interest in Math in her.
Separately, this month we saw Qinzhi drawing a lot more
Seeing the eye Qinzhi drew made me think of the world that comes in at her eye. What exactly is Qinzhi seeing?
And we celebrated Ah Hui ayi’s birthday one week later after we moved.
Then in the afternoons, we made cookies 🙂
Asked Qinzhi if she wants to transfer from Alexandra Primary School to a school nearby and she says no.
Much as out of convenience and for her well being, I wanted to move her to somewhere closer, but I am also learning to respect her wishes. A school is not just a place to learn and be educated, its even more, its a sense of belonging together with friends, teachers.
Its not something we can easily take away with the word convenience.
We are also teaching Qinzhi about decision making and to be committed to make a decision work.
The East Coast Park is just 5 min walk away. The morning breeze, the sounds the lapping waves make. And the road ahead.
I tell myself to just focus on moving ahead. Go. Go.
GO
But thoughts come in.
It’s a mindfulness training but thoughts come in.
I keep bringing myself back.
The present is here. Don’t exchange it for anything else. I hear myself say.
I hear chirping birds. And I absorb the music in.
I breathe in the fresh air and is thankful I m alive and breathing well.
I suck in the air. To the keloids the cyst and see the air work on them.
Blessed I m . To have the wisdom to do this.
I find myself hesitating in my path and realize how and why.
The mind is deliberating. Trying to decide and figure out.
Not sure.
And the body reflects the state of the mind or consciousness or intention.
So how did the keloids get there?
Some point in time, something translated into a formation such as the keloids.
Is it fear? Yes the big things that cropped up were dad’s spinal surgery, is having to move into grandmother’s. When we moved and had to change school! It made me think again about transferring Qinzhi and HuaiHao to a school nearby
Yes I think it contributed to the fear I had
Great dislike and worry of being looked at —- sort of like second class when you are new.
There’s intense and accumulated fear and dislike . There’s accumulation and also the inability to discharge these.
Whoa.
How nice to know.
And—— I tell myself, that’s the past , all done already. It’s not you now. It’s not there present.
Awareness is such a powerful thing. Like a knot let gone of in the whispers of the wind.
As I jogged the wind made this howling in my ears. I tapped into it. And I love it.
It’s a connection with nature. What is it trying to say?
And I find myself grateful for having the space to experience this moment.
While jogging, I find myself in the side only when I walk the middle path.
How many (times) people are not aware? That being on the side sometimes doesn’t let you see the full picture?
While jogging, I hear myself say- your heart is not with me, when it is, everything is natural, the appreciation the priority the care.
While jogging, I saw birds fly and is reminded not to forget the feeling of flight
Moving is an exercise of marie kondo——you are given the opportunity to decide what to bring along to the next phase of your life, what to let go.
First of all, I let my childhood presents go. The watch and belt I had since I was perhaps 5 or 6? The koala bear that Stanley brother brought for me when he went to Australia for his honeymoon, the tie I wore to Hwa Chong JC, the Mickey Mouse tin box mommy gifted me when she went on a Japan trip with Dad when I was in primary school?
I keep the McDonalds book bundle though , Qinzhi could use it. Is it 30 years old?
I decided to let my holiday diaries and keepsakes go. The first time I did what my heart willed and went to Hokkaido, doing what I really want. The first time I travelled with bf, and all the other travels together to Aussie and etc. I let go of the Disney keepsake.
I decided to let the perfume my husband then boyfriend bought for me go.
And the ribbon that was on the bouquet he gave me on our wedding day.
I decided to let my diaries go.
I decided to let go of the drawings I made
Inner Child’s Lollipop 2 Aug 2013Happy Birthdae 2013/ Mothering Me
I decided. Then all the MRI scan pictures. I let go of lots of cookbooks that famous chefs signed for me. And a book I wrote.
I decided to let go of the house.
We finally let go of the house on 10.10.2020
The key is I decided
Lol. Why did I even hold on to them in the first place?
To hold on.
For fear of something someday that I may need.
Attachment.
Holding on to a past. Some identity. Some part of me.
Is it difficult to let these go?
Not really. I hear the old me almost reverting back to holding on. But being aware now,
———
This is actually a pause, a gap
A bardo.
That I m in, i m in the middle , between my past and my future , then and tomorrow.
I want to use the opportunity of this bardo, this pause this gap, to make it good. I must have told myself —- try something different. If I held on, how about opening my hands myself up and letting go?
I tried 😊
And it feels pretty good 😉
I don’t need them now. I want to be in the now. I kissed them packed them and imagine a fire consuming them as they dissolve into nothingness.
Amazingly I don’t have as much emotions as I thought I would have —- to leave this house.
Thank you! For sheltering me protecting me through all times , most of all for giving me the space to grow and develop to become me now. I remember all the me in all of those times, when we moved in, when Qinzhi and HuaiHao were little , when I was in fear, sadness, pain and desperation, when I pursued my dreams and soar, when I cooked , when I penned down my thoughts , did raindrop therapy for qinzhi etc
And I honour these all. They allowed me to stretch my malleability as a person as I went through all these experiences and emotions. Making me who I am now. Acknowledging and accepting these all, and the space, I pack all of these into bubbles and send all of them to the sun and to light.
Thank you and goodbye 😊
Loving this —- now I feel more ready than before to step up to now and tomorrow.
I thank the universe for this opportunity.
“Life is designed to provide your soul with the perfect tools, the perfect circumstances, the perfect conditions with which to realize and experience, announce and declare, fulfill and become Who You Really Are. “——- Neale Donald Walsch
Before I knew, it’s just a matter of a few more days before I move out of my flat.
That I day I texted teacher to let him know that the latest check done on the cyst looked good.
To which teacher says, “Although many people have supported you and you are in my prayer everyday, this is result of your incesante and continuous work of self analysis, questioning and acceptance of yourself and your history. Unpeeling one layer after the other and filling and surrounding yourself with love, light and the transforming life force.
How do I know? I follow silently your blogs. Continue with your marvellous work and cyst will vanish completely.”
How does he know?
Teacher asked me how it’s been on my end and I said, “ 2020 went about so quickly we are into October already. Time seems to be speeding up as if it’s bent on moving us forward
Yet at the daily level it feels like life’s slowed down a little but details magnified for me. I didn’t do a lot on the work front but there’s still a lot of creativity popping out of me whenever I do, making me feel like I want to contribute more
I did more on the personal development front though
Everyday after the kids go to school, I have my own time doing a little reiki, meditation or watching k pop drama
I followed a lot more people who are down the spiritual growth path such as deepak chopra and the like and getting acquainted with what they preach , experimenting and seeing if the things they propose work
But the biggest discovery for myself this year through all these exposure is that we are capable of shaping our own reality
And often the creation happens in the moments we tend to let slip by
Relationship with my husband is still volatile. Seems like the unpleasant parts are more than the pleasant ones and there are many times I want to just let it go
But through it all —- although I still get lots of anger and unhappiness and dissatisfaction, I find myself gradually becoming more balanced , using these opportunities to look deeper into myself
I think I grew up pretty much through these
A few opportunities have come along for me to do more work
Might start a little agency of sorts to help small entities with marketing and content creation tying in my connections in a meaningful way
And if it happens, I want to call my agency “ Mind the Gap”
The gap might be what challenges people But more and more, I see that the gap can be a creative space to make good
In Tibetan Buddhism , the bardo is where —- if we are mindful enough—- we observe and pause and catalyze a transformation
I have been putting this agency idea off even if many pple have asked me to start out on my own
I remember what I told Mr Ng，I told him that going forward I wanted to do things to offer my light, to offer warmth, hope, to inspire as I build my own brand. Slowly but surely it seems I m getting into the flow. The big picture is somewhat there. And I am approaching it.
But I m taking it slow and going with how I feel
Still feeling my way around as I m moving house on 10/10
Talking about this, i wanted to do a closure on our experiences as a family in this space. To honour it and to thank the space for protecting and sheltering us and to let it go
Are there any simple practices in reiki for this?”
Teacher probed, “Are you moving house? Or do you just want to close a chapter?”
It got me thinking.
“Moving temporarily to be with my maternal family at marine crescent for half a year before we move again to my new flat at marine parade
It would be a closure of sorts right? The opportunity came for us to move to a slightly bigger space – an upgrade fr 4 room to 5. The price is right and we sold it
It was afterwards that I realized the significance
I m given the chance to create and shape my future my reality.
What do I want? Where m I going? Who are the people I will meet? What will I be doing? Why am I doing these?
I feel excited! Like something bubbling in me!
It is because we needed it we sent out an echo and the universe responded
It also means we r ready somewhat and has passed a test somewhat as a family
It means to me that the existing space and all it carries —- our lifestyle habits attitudes mindsets we have applied on this space that have served us in this space
Is in need of an upgrade too The old that has served us can no longer I wanted to honour and give my thanks—- and I can move on
I also think I have spent (more than ) enough time living my past and allowing myself to feel like i have been victimised and at the passive end. When in fact I could have actively lived in the present, embracing the present rather than reliving the past and feeling sorry for myself gain and again. If anything, YES, you are right, I want to actively close that chapter, quite an important one I must say
U started off that chapter picking up pieces and putting things back in place for my family, on the surface to make everything look fine Then I progressed to physical issues and emotional discomfort Learning about the relationship between these two Feeling angry and upset or feeling unjust and unfair——-pitying myself that I was the suffering one, the victim who has been affected when I didnt do anything wrong and had to pick up all the pieces And then learning to work those emotions and feeling them in my body and learning to see that through it all, I actually had a role to play in the unfolding of events, I had a responsibility to bringing myself to where I am now, and that i made many choices without awareness and wisdom
Still if not for these, I wouldn’t have met wonderful people like yourself
And I honour my path and want to close that chapter, like a long holiday or a dream I gave to myself, and move on.”
From seeing them as hurt to seeing them as gifts I can use to make a meaningful difference ——- with gratitude that the universe is keeping me in mind, blessed
What a journey!
“Wonderfully said dear PY. And so you should approach the clousre.
Give thanks to the apartment to have given you a home for all that time and experience. That you are start a new chapter in your life, and wont need anything from the past.
Then visualise the all the experinces and emotions in that apartment ( symbolically as an ‘All experiences conscious and unconscious’), pack and seal them in a silver bubble or as many as it takes. And send them all into the sun.
For those past experiences and thoughts to be permanently disolved for ever.”
Then I saw this
It seems like this pretty much sums up my journey
Learning to understand and accept that there is a greater wisdom out there and we are but expressions of his higher wisdom, grace and beauty. It’s a humbling experience and definitely transformative when you become from big or important and egoistic to small. Small is beautiful!
I can only be grateful and thankful for what I have been given and how the divine has worked on me though me with me.
I remember what Mr Ng said—— that only when we are ourselves and express our light we live our best versions of ourselves. Fetching that which is untinted by experience that un spoilt boundless free nature. We are light. The experiences have let me go through a process of peeling open or unraveling the outside layers and revealing my light.
I forgot what we were talking about, but I was exposing him to the idea that for some schools of thought, the soul moves on when its time for the body to retire
And Huaihao was asking me, how does the soul move on? “Because like great grandmother, she’s burnt into ashes already so how does she become another person ?”
I m not too sure myself but I brought up the word reincarnation. It must be the first time Huaihao heard this word.
Then he said, “Mummy, can you live a happy and healthy life ? Otherwise I would be so sad when you pass away. If you live happily and healthily, I will be only worried when you are 90 or 80. And how old are you already?”
I cannot imagine how much I mean to Huaihao, much as I may not know how much I mean to my mother, my father, and equally, I may not know how much they mean to me.
But Huaihao’s words put things into perspective for me.
Amidst of all unhappiness, challenges, miscommunication, lack of communication and satisfaction, Huaihao’s words helped put things into perspective.
To rise above it all, and to put effort into living happily and healthily. These are the most important and precious in life. And living happily and healthily, isnt this THE MOST important thing, nothing else can rise up to?
Its almost like anger meeting with his words and retreating instantly dissolving into nothingness.
I remember the day he was born, I wrote a long reflection which said that Huaihao ‘s gift was for me to do all that I did not have a chance to, I did not use the epidural, I did all the traditional confinement stuff no matter how hard, I drank gallons of red date tea. Huaihao is a constant reminder, inspiration and light to search for new pathways and not be satisfied with what has been done.
And how to live happily and healthily? But for you, I will. I will try my very best to live happily and healthily for you.
Thank you teacher! And it feels like these words came from somewhere deeper, further, wiser.
It was bedtime as usual
HuaiHao says, “ mommy, it feels like you are happy on the outside but sad inside. Is it because I hurt my head and my lips?”
Together, we feel like sisters. She can put on my clothes and we are beginning to speak to each other like adults very much.
Confiding in each other about the big and little things in life. Thats how it is when Qinzhi goes to Pasir Ris and confides in popo and yiyi. Always thankful i have these 2 ladies who love Qinzhi —-probably more than I do, always looking out for her and after her. Her guardian angels.
Because Qinzhi liked BlackPink a lot, Dad bought 2 pink Black Pink tees. And I find myself humming the k pop songs Qinzhi like. In one way or other, we are aligning to each other and getting close.
Huaihao has been exceptionally naughty of late and shouting and crying alot . When Qinzhi cannot take it, she will run into the room and bang the door
She tells me later, that she cannot take Huaihao’s cries and will get a headache. I try to explain to her—that we need to give space for emotions to be free.
The good thing is that, Qinzhi always loses the temper quickly afterwards. She does not bear a grudge and comes back to her normal persona quickly.
And after all, after so long, Qinzhi ‘s hair is finally back to the length she likes.
This was when Qinzhi was 5 years 8months old. It took us only a while to snip it off, but so much longer and so much effort to bring it back.
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