This end of year school holiday isn’t like a holiday, but really is revision time for Qinzhi to catch up with her work. But she gamely took it on and I can see her trying—-her best at most times.
But due to not that great a foundation, there are lots of things that are quite basic and Qinzhi still does not know. Asked Qinzhi if she wants to go for PSLE, and she says she wants to try and pass.
And I said to her that if that is what she wants, dad and mom will try our best to support her with our best. I took glimpses at her when she’s doing her tuition online and I can see that Qinzhi is absorbed and enjoying it. Its really wonderful for her to gain new experiences of learning. Math was for Qinzhi something really challenging and daunting, but from being put off to enjoying it, she has made really huge improvements.
Thankfully ah Tin ah yi booked a staycay for us and we got to relax a little, and there ‘s Christmas and presents to offer a breath of release.
And Huiahao bought a present for Qinzhi as well, because she said she has no black pens, he went to get her one fr Muji.
When I went to work as usual , Qinzhi and Huaihao wrote this note for me. It’s beautiful, because I see them reciprocating how and what I have done to them, I wrote them notes too. And I asked them to enjoy the process too. And now, the reminder for me has come—–from them no less.
It also reminds me, how our kids are mirroring us, echoing us and absorbing us.
When I asked John how I can help Qinzhi, he says the same after so many times, that I should change. When I change, they change.
One Sunday morning when it rained heavily, we did something different, we went to make an offering to Bhante and Sister, we brought some organic fruits and the children had a go at prepping food and learning about dana.
But first, we woke early and had breakfast they way they want first.
Then Qinzhi spent some time painting. She was with herself with the colours and did something so beautiful.
On another weekend morning, we headed out for some fresh air and had brunch. We walked Nicoll highway and screamed and had lots of fun.
And when the new calendar came, this thoughtful little girl already noted down birthdays. Thi is how thoughtful Qinzhi is
On another Sunday, the three of us went out for a jog walk brunch.
But first! Play at the playground since not many kids are there early in the morning!
We did a 15 km route from East Coast all the way to Gardens by the Bay and up the Nicoll Highway for a quick drop off to Millenia Walk. For brunch of course!
Brunch is at Kith and the Qinzhi and Huaihao wanted eggs and toast. Actually, anything goes so long as you and Huaihao love it.
We then headed off to the National Museum and did a little backwards tour into time, time grandpa lived in his teens, my time when i was little, then my siblings. The installation to get people to think about memories and their reflections of how SG can grow into is an intimate one.
After close to a year of not having CCAs, Qinzhi is back to having CCA on Fridays, and that’s when I do my fetching duties. Its great because I get to have some one on one time with Qinzhi. To listen to her, to eat with her, to be with her. Too precious!
That day we got Uncle John to assess the fengshui of our flat, Qinzhi kept asking if John said she can sleep in the master.
And boy, John did He also asked Qinzhi to draw a symmetrical mountain to place in her room. I came back to let Qinzhi know that Uncle John wanted her to draw something.
And without telling her what John said, she came up with this
Dear Qinzhi, I hope your gift of perceptiveness and your sense of intuition continues to sharpen and to help you (and possibly others) in their lives.
You remind me so much of a book I had read in my teens, and that is the Chrsyalids with your power in telepathy.
I hope you continue to shine in your own light and be very Qinzhi.
Maybe I have neglected this of myself—-not tending to this need of my soul and psyche and
That is why my body has been giving me all these hints of late—- panting, fatigue, exhaustion
To bring me back
And back I am, it feels really good!
I feel this pure simple joy and happiness once I am in touch with Nature.
A few nights ago, John said in a zoom that we should all continue to anchor in our own space. And so did Frances Fuller.
That they say: ticked
What does it mean to remain in your sacred space? How to? Where is that space?
I tried to navigate and experiment
In the broadest sense, it is to draw a boundary beyond which nothing can intrude and touch you
You remain unfazed—— in the wind
Those few days of fatigue made me realise a few things
we can heal ourselves by prayer and intention
We need to give ourselves healing and space
We need to know our limits
We have angels gods Buddhas blessing us
We need to constantly reach out and connect with our guardian angels
And we need to constantly be in touch with ourselves
And made me come to the beach today. Barefooted, and allowing the waters to work on/with me. I ask the sun to give me all the light, energy, healing, inspiration each and every cell my body needs. And the water to wash away anything that does not support my system.
It feels more of like cocreating with nature at times
When a surge of wave comes up, it is as if Nature is asking me to stop all I am thinking and to just bask in her
I asked myself as I tread on sand: How is the earth feeling today? What is its pulse? It’s heartbeat? What would it say?
And I find myself saying thank you to Mother Earth for loving us and me the way you did . And not giving us up.
I asked my soul what it is saying :
And I hear it go: “Well done TPY! Did you know how awesome you are and have been ? No one could have done it like you! All you need is love —- from yourself”
This is a beautiful passage I read in the bus on my way home today.
The full article here:
“In the bible, in Genesis 1, it says “…God created the heavens and earth…”. How did He do it and what did He use to create the heavens and the earth? By the spoken word! Genesis 1:3- “And God SAID (he spoke), ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” John 1:1 it states, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
Hebrews 11:3 says, “Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the WORD of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.” The physical world that we see around us… it was formed by the WORD of God! His spoken word has creative power… and WE are created in the image of God.
Here’s what Jesus had to say on this topic…
“Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.”- Mark 11:23
First, his reference to “mountain” I believe is a metaphor… meaning problem, trial or obstacle.
Second, notice he didn’t say “believers”. He didn’t say those that follow God. He didn’t say JUST the things said to the mountain. He said “saith” meaning continually saying. He said that “whoever” continually says, doesn’t doubt, but believes those “things which he saith”… that “he shall have whatsoever he saith”. In other words, those “things” that you continually say – if you believe them – they will come to pass. That my friend is a spiritual law straight from the mouth of Jesus!
If man was created in the image of God and after His likeness, then spoken words are the most powerful things in the universe, for after all God SPOKE the world into existence. Following spiritual law… our words, spoken in faith, have CREATIVE POWER! Think on that one… I mean really think on that. … words spoken in FAITH have creative power. What kind of words come out of your mouth. Are they words of blessing and faith, or words of cursing and condemnation? With this knowledge we should be much more careful in what we put into our hearts and minds, and in the words that come out of our mouth. I believe carefully chosen words, when backed by FAITH can move “mountains” but also keep in mind that ultimately God is still on the throne and in control.
Using Essential Oils during Prayer Prayer, when done properly and when combined with essential oils, by anointing ourselves or diffusing the surrounding air with them, has the potential of being a positive force during prayer and meditation. It can be a powerful tool to help us break loose of old thought patterns and help us change our thinking processes.
What I mean by “prayer, when done properly” is this… instead of praying or speaking negative beliefs or “the problem” which lowers our vibrational energies or frequencies, we should pray the solution. We need to change our thought patterns and fill our hearts and minds with positive uplifting thoughts.
Philippians 4:8 K- “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
Why? Because…
“out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.” (Matthew 12:34).
The words that are formed by our tongue and spoken out loud, and in faith, will release either positive (good) or negative (evil) influences or energies.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.”- Proverbs 23:7
“He also loved cursing, so it came to him; and he did not delight in blessing, so it was far from him.”- Psalms 109:17
We need to realize that there is creative power within us and learn to use it wisely. Begin to start speaking things in FAITH but I’m not talking about a “name it, and claim it” philosophy. I am talking about praying God’s Word and His promises back to Him which I believe will flood our spirits with divine energy and elevate our prayers to a higher level. When we verbally come into alignment with what the Word of God says and promises, then we align our prayers with the will of God… how can that NOT raise our frequency on all levels?
Yin asked if I wanted to make an offering to Bhante and Sister. It was a rainy morning but I managed to get Qinzhi and Huaihao’s buy in, and so we went.
Entering Bhante’s abode was like going into a place of calm and clean. The children washed the apples and prepared the food for Bhante. We rejoiced at the table together and Bhante prayed. It was a beautiful experience.
Then we went on to Sister’s
I told Yin in the kitchen, that I think I want to get a buddha and have it in my new house. Yin asked me to seek advice from sister and I didn’t, because I was not sure,
She was in white. I didn’t really know who she was. But this motherly figure touched me. She asked if I have a buddha image or statue at home and said that perhaps I should consider having one. For myself to concentrate on, to ground myself so that I can handle me and my kids better. Otherwise, the kids are taking energy off me.
She saw how I and the kids were responding to each other and pulled me to one side.
She says that the kids have very high ego and that is why I have to change the way I speak to them, to rally them on rather than to tell them what to do.
She says that I should speak less to conserve myself. If anything, she says that I should metta every day for at least 30minutes, because when I send and wish someone well, I get energised as well.
And suddenly it opened up the gate of fatigue. The tiredness the exhaustion flowed out so much, I couldn’t hold myself. It was like I was breaking up and my heart could not carry on.
I prayed with the kids with me on the train.
That Avalokitesvhara, Guru Rinpoche, and Medicine Buddha—–instills all the energy, all the life force all the vitality and protection and healing that I need to keep myself and my kids safe until we are home. And miraculously I felt better.
I told Yin how thankful I was to meet Sister and to get her advice and told her about testing out the healing in the divine. She replied “It always works”
This was a magical experience, very precious and sacred. The divine is speaking thru this lady in white to me. And I am very blessed to experience it.
She made me aware that I haven’t been aware of myself amidst the busying. She made me aware that I have been suppressing myself and not taking care of me and my body.
And she opened up the gate of fatigue which I have been ignoring and not mindful of.
So So So tired, anytime it felt like I could drop dead.
On another occasion, after work, I was so tired out, I felt my face and limbs numb and it felt as if I was going to have another panic attack.
A few other times, I had the sensation of swirling.
One on occasion, I felt that my brain or my heart is slowing down. These has translated into slower moving actions as I moved my legs, they were not really listening to me, I found a lag and the limbs become less agile.
Yesterday I was sitting in front of the computer and my heart fluttered.
I went to bed but was so tired out I couldn’t sleep. I felt I was stopping. The heart was beating its best to keep my going and trying to tell me something.
Just what?
A thought came that perhaps Mom felt so tired too she couldn’t take it anymore and she’s just let go. Was this stated of exhaustion what Mom felt?
She gave of herself too much.
To others but herself.
I felt so much fear in my heart it felt like a sting of sorts. It hung somewhere above me just not in with me.
I think I have over exerted myself , whether at work giving my all , contributing my life force and spirit and taking it as if it were my own. And at home, dealing with the kids. Or helping others on their healing journey.
One day John sent a WhatsApp and said something really wise, “
The purpose of you being the Healer, is not to save the world or save another human everyday. It will burden you and disillusioned you. People who are healed miraculously by you are soul willing. Thus, willing by free will.
The purpose is for us to connect with people whom we can connect to create a new beautiful outcome willingly. Like you and I. Our close bond together. Thus, enriches our existence and àenlightens our knowing. Willing and humble connection is to enlighten us. That’s real creation power. Unwillingness is untimelyness. Misfortune arises if we force the outcome. Fortunes rushes in when clarity is practiced daily.
Message Channelled today.”
I have unmindfully taken on too much responsibility. I give it my all. I have been totally thrown off balance. And I get back to trying to lean in on control but the more control I try to exert, the more out of control I feel. All these took so much out of me, I feel like an empty vessel, void, subdued and its time I learn to put me back and take care of myself.
Tuning in to Frances Fuller, gave me inspiration,
-creating your sacred space before you get out of bed: connection with source and creating a boundary and creating a harmonious environment for self and energy, for home
-first step in creating sacred space: connection with creator and live in sacred space: bring in harmonious frequencies and be in balance
-boundaries help u maintain a stable high frequency rather than be brought down into lower frequencies : building our unique energy signature, when we focus and run on our healthy perfect energy, we are strong powerful and in harmony with ourselves = lavender
-anchoring with strong trees :cedarwood copaiba
-allowing our authentic self to radiate out
-focus
-Practice checking in with yourself more often that you are living in your sacred space in pure harmony and balance without outside things interring with our being and existence in this beautiful space
Dear Guru Rinpoche, I pray that the protection, healing, blessings is on all beings on earth, wherever they are, whenever they need. Give us all the healing we need at the deepest level, let us mend and heal with the very magic of you.
I couldn’t write this until today—I wonder why. I feel like I couldn’t feel anything, or maybe I didn’t allow myself to. Or maybe I shy away from being honest with myself.
No SO many people say 2020 was extraordinary and painful. Maybe because I have left the workforce, I have been protected from seeing the harsh reality being with kids everyday at home and concentrating on the things I do daily—lying on the bed with the morning sun shining in and doing self-reiki, having a good shower after an infra red sauna, walking the kids to school, taking time by myself, breathing. Journaling, listening to the subtleties of my senses fetching out the littlest thoughts from my cells.
I truly attended and listened to my body and my soul.
Not that it was always so peaceful.
We had so many fights in my marriage , I tried so hard to make things work and to communicate. Qinzhi and Huaihao fought too. And Huaihao and Dad fought, and Qinzhi and Dad fought. Later on, Huaihao and me, we fought.
Looking back I wonder if the cosmic forces in planetary motion had a hand in this.
But through it all, we learned the hard way and figured out a way to sort—sort ourselves first as adults , then sort out the kids and us all.
But 2020 was extraordinary for me in a good way, in fact 2020 had been good to me. And I am grateful for the 2020 I have.
Even if I didn’t step out of Singapore.
I took time with myself and walked. I explored new ways and so many wonderful ingredients in cooking, I had the chance to eat the way I want—-going vegan. I learned more about healing and essential oils. I learned to heal the cyst and keloids. I took time with the kids and cooked and baked and made ice cream with them. We played games and laughed. We quarrelled, fought and made up. We had lots of good food. We sold off Redhill and bought a new flat. We had the experience of moving that until now Qinzhi remembers we packed off with 38boxes. We made a home at Marine Crescent and live close to Dad and Mei and Boy. The cyst reduced in size. I picked up jogging and walked from East Coast to MBS or to the airport. I got in touch with so many healers and mystics near and far, and learnt lots. Even if Mr Ng has left, I sent him a message and connected with him, I always remembered what he said—that no matter where he is, he would always be rooting for me. There’s Stephan and Heidi who reiki-ed me from afar, I learnt about channeling and saw wonderful youtube videos on people who channeled. I had the chance to experience the conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter and to hear about the evolution we are all on the path to. I learnt to speak out the truth of what I felt at heart. I learnt to acknowledge myself. I learnt about managing relationships. I came out of my comfort zone and went back to work—albeit on a freelance basis, and explored new areas connected to my expertise but that which allowed me to learn and to learn to grasp and feel my way. I couldn’t imagine and wouldn’t, but I had the chance to embark on sales on organic vegetables for restaurants. I volunteered for the F&B industry during COVID. I set up own company after so long https://imustmindthegap.wixsite.com/website
There were people whom I had the chance to expose natural healing to, my dad, xiaogu and liushen, then n in December, I learnt to come face to face with friends, not exactly people I know but relatives of friends or acquaintances—-really just people I know who needed healing and their circumstances forced me to come out of my shadow and fears, gave me opportunities to share my story and my healing —something which I have been shy to or not too eager to talk about—–and to step up and to offer my healing hand to them. Then just before the new year came, hui called to say that after our FaceTime, Gor fell twice and had to be hospitalised.
There was so much learned whether said or not.
But the biggest lesson was that in life, we do not control. We learn to ride the flow and make the best out of what is in front of us, with an equitable calm harmonious heart.
2020 had been good to me. Giving me so many opportunities to venture onto new grounds and to put what I learnt to good use to help make people and situations better. But more importantly, allowing me to go back to who I am, sharing with me possibilities and letting me see my dreams, there were lots of opportunities for me to use my intuition and my senses to feel my way around, and to speak the truest from my authentic self, to be who I am and stand up for what I stand for. To live the way I want.
I have my husband to thank for supporting my decision to quit and for shouldering the burden to support the family.
2020 has been in all ways a miracle and truly exceptional for me. There was magic in the everyday of life when I self reiki myself and experienced all the beautiful moments of energy work, experiencing my body in ways I have never had before. That amidst all the upswings and downs, I have maintained and come back to be myself.
I am thankful for all these wonderful opportunities that have come forth for me in 2020, I dare say with my hand to my heart, that I have tried to the best of my ability to step out of my shadows and fears, my mindsets , limitations and what I have been accustomed to—-to create a new pathway and experience for myself.
And what do I want or seek in the brand new 2021?
I saw the phrase —-The Great Leap and somehow it called out to me. And now looking at the company I set up, I know why.
I called my company If you Mind The Gap.
“What we call the gap refers to a fleeting moment of naked awareness, a split-second opening that introduces us to our original mind and provides a taste of freedom from confusion.” ~ Mingyur Rinpoche
Gaps are the most important things we can be mindful of we want to evolve, to do better than the last of what we were.
Like bardos in Tibetan Buddhism, if we are mindful of gaps, there is a chance we can use this gap to constructively transform and to break out of cycles we have unconsciously locked ourselves into.
Its about perspectives, transformation and a documentary about David Bohm that was inspiring to watch. Where people focussed on the stars, he saw the spaces in between.
And made such understanding of the gaps in the night sky he became one of the most significant theoretical physicists of the 20th century who contributed unorthodox ideas to quantum theory, neuropsychology and the philosophy of mind.
I think I have, with my effort, perceived gaps and used them to better myself and to break cycles, to step out of cycles. I made big and little leaps here and there.
I (re)invented and invented myself.
With mindfulness. And the support of so many near and far, brilliant beautiful souls.
I could have turned out the other way, but with support from buddhism, guardian angels around me, I have managed to secure these big and little leaps in my life. And hopefully, I can encourage and motivate others to leap with these experiences I have.
And Qinzhi drew this on 1.1.2021
Who am I? What is my purpose? I will be regularly ask myself these questions and listen to the answers that arise.
More and more, I will listen to the guidance of my heart, my highest self and spirit
I will continue to apply and sharpen awareness and mindfulness in life by practicing.
I will sharpen my intuition and the in born gifts and use them more in my life, to help myself and others.
I will open myself up further- my body my heart my mind my potentials
I will connect at a deeper level with true communication with myself and my family
And with the universe
I will look for beauty and the miraculous in everyday life . Connect with the spirit through my senses and see everything as if for the first time . I will look for my inner power and unlimited potential . I will recognize that I have choices and choose consciously
I will gentle with myself, my body, my family and with life
I want to continue to learn about and discover the wonders of essential oils, and use my knowledge and wisdom to help myself and others.
I want to contribute and possibly start a movement on plant based eating, to let more and more people experience the magic of plant produce.
I want to connect with specialty producers who spent their energy and life nurturing artisanal produce, I want to experience their produce and to share it outwards. I want to be a collector of artisanal producers.
I will give more time to pause to listen to, to breathe into my body to soften and open or expand my body. I will send love to the different parts of my body from the feet up to my head
I will move my body consciously
I will eat less eat better eat with more consciousness and exercise more.
I want to give my body the rest it needs, sleep more and rest more.
I will heal the cyst and keloids using natural means and the healing will speed up.
I want to have a beautiful navel the way I was born with
I want to and will listen and attend to my body and my soul.
I want to and will embrace new ways of thinking, doing, more and more
I want to and will spend quality time with my children, husband, family and to connect deeply with them
I want to and will continue to jog and walk and be healthier and happier as Huaihao says
I want to have the opportunity to serve Mingyur Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche, Khadro La
I want to travel to fetch wonderful produce back for the betterment of myself and others
I want to practice for 5min everyday,
I want to be even more gentle with myself and be deeply in touch with myself
I want to be a healthy happy shiny TPY
I want to build a brand for the work I do
I want to experience light, be a light upon myself and others
I want to build a home which will support me on all counts above, a home which truly reflects me and my passion and what I stand for in life.
2020 made a strong point about life and its possibilities, there is nothing that is impossible. All we need is to dare, to be creative and to do what really matters at heart.
Thank you 2020, you have been no less amazing and brilliant in teaching us.
Looking back at what I wrote on the opening of 2020:
“I pray as we welcome a new year and decade, that each day be filled with mindfulness, goodness, wonder, magic, positivity, healthfulness, vitality, vigour. May each day be filled with light and love to inspire us guide us heal us bless us protect us.
May we all intuitively creatively courageously broadmindedly adopt the new! New habits, attitudes, mindsets, pathways that will serve us best ! And in the process effortlessly transform and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.
I sincerely pray that we all be imbued with wisdom and light and release all energies, imprints pain and suffering that do not serve us. May we all receive healing at all levels of our existence.”
In the brand new 2021 ahead, let us mindfully breathe and experience the power of the breath. May we connect at a deeper level with our body and our soul. Through this, (re)discover our innate intuitive abilities, our dreams and the richness of our experiences. May we always find beauty, hope, warmth, openness, possibilities, inspiration, goodness, peace. May we use each and every opportunity to speak our truth and chart new territories with grace and wisdom. Let there be magical, healing experiences of light. I know that we will be always guided, protected, and blessed. And we’ll shine like never before. Happy 2021.
Huaihao taught me another lesson on the wee hours of Xmas day.
We were prepping presents for folks like grandpa, who drove the kids to school , for hui and popo, for Karyn’s dad who bought the kids presents on Xmas every year….
But in all the recent busying and getting frustrated over seemingly bad behaviour of the kids, we forgot about presents in stockings.
It was close to midnight and Huaihao couldn’t sleep.
HuaiHao: How does Santa get into the house mommy?
Me: You know like in storybooks? There’s always a chimney somewhere?
Huaihao (leading): When is he coming mommy? I am waiting and I cant sleep!
Then I remembered. Wherever is that recyclable stocking from Daiso?! We threw it away when we moved didn’t we? In our old flat, we would hang a stocking on the door’s handle and it will be filled with presents the kids wake up to.
Daddy would buy presents. Did he this year?
I suddenly realised how much presents in stockings mean to the kids.
Huaihao: Mommy, does Santa know we moved? What if he goes to our old house?
Christmas Day Teaching with Huaihao: Be careful what you throw. Especially the very things that carry hopes and dreams. We forgot about the presents in the dailyness of life. I didnt think Daddy remembered about putting presents into the stockings.
Had a few occasions whereby I could bring Huaihao out on a one-one date. And brought him to his favourite Burger joint.
I wonder if its the smaller space we are in, coupled with growing up hormones and aging ones as well, everyday in the house is like a Mars meet Earth kind of event.
I cant say there’s peace for sure, and more often than not, it starts from Huaihao disobeying or rather, Huaihao pushing for what he wants, in seemingly unreasonable ways to us.
How will this affect his system?
There are times Daddy maintained his cool, but in a few other times, definitely challenged by Huaihao. Smaller in size but so much stronger in force. He always said to Huaihao:”at 16 years old you get out of my life, i have enough of you”
Daddy has no qualms pointing out Huaihao is “the cause of it all”, of all unhappiness, I wonder how Huaihao thinks or feels.
Statements like these made me worried. How would this impact my Huaihao? Even though he is seemingly not bothered by it?
When Huaihao is beyond reason, which is often, Daddy when he cannot keep cool, blows his top, takes Huaihao by the hand and pulls him out of the house. Huaihao would be crying in fear and Qinzhi would rise to save her brother by scolding and shouting Daddy, “all you freaks! I want to kill myself”
I wonder how these will impact Qinzhi and Huaihao?
Will they even remember? What are all these fights for? seemingly born out of nitty gritty stuff?
As I was writing Qinzhi’s blog posts, Huaihao saw me writing and asked me why do I write?
I replied that this has been so, the very day I took an ultrasound photo in my gynae’s office and saw Qinzhi. I wanted to record down the things you two experienced , maybe somewhere down the road, when you happen to chance across these words, you would be able to perceive or visualise how Mommy is writing in the night, when all of you are asleep and the washing machine is calling out to me, the dryer doing its runs and turns.
Actually writing benefits me too much, it feels like I can let it go and don’t need to hold on to it—whether its a happy or unhappy event. So as much as this is for the kids, its also for me to reflect and make sense of what has happened in the family, to take stock.
And 2020 has gone in a whiff.
December is Qinzhi and Huaihao’s favourite month. The month they get presents from Santa—actually Daddy and they know. And from Gengyan jiujiu and Karyn jiejie plus Karyn’s dady who never fail to pamper them with a no budget Christmas outing with food and presents.
And more food and more presents.
To the extent that the children forget about the value of money and buy in excess and without a think. Such as picks like this and I gave them a lecture of course. I told Huaihao that if he did not respect money, money would not come to him. As with respect for any other
To create more quiet for Qinzhi to concentrate on her work, Huaihao also went out with Dad this holiday to run errands and bond and had his favourite Din Tai Feng and Tenjin.
Then Ah tin aye secured a staycay at MBS for 4 nights, we went for it despite a lot of crap and uneventful disputes with Huaihao. but got it sorted out because deep down, Daddy and Mommy didn’t want to disappoint—Qinzhi especially. We tried lots of food that we don’t normally do
I wanted to put a point on Huaihao’s exceptionally unreasonable behaviour these few days. Beyond reason, he kept pounding my hand with so much might when I tried to educate/chided him or disagreed with him.
We almost did not manage to come for the staycay at MBS and in the midst of it, there must have been ten times it almost ended in a whiff.
I believed in talking it out. And being a friend to my children. I always remembered what Mr Ng said “the children know. So talk to them.”
But I ended up raising an unreasonable kid who does not listen. What went wrong ? Was I too lenient? What would my mummy say if she were alive ?
Like in the midst of the staycay, he was so naughty daddy wanted to check out and I wanted to go home. It was Qinzhi who kept stopping us and asking us to talk to HuaiHao because we did not know how to manage him
And I was so so so angry this was the first time in 7 years I pulled his ears. He was so upset he cried. Can’t there be another way out? I asked
He finally apologized and I delivered the punishment of beating his palm three times.
But doing that brought me so much pain at heart. This episode made me feel that I was wrong to love him the way I did and I had to take responsibility for raising HuaiHao up this way
What if he grows up bad? And cause hurt to others? And ultimately to himself? It had never occured to me that my kids will turn bad.
After it all, at night before he slept, he climbed out of bed and wanted to touch my face and say, “only after that can I sleep.”
I wonder where and what went wrong. How do I address this? Do I still want to get upset or angry and experience the upheavals in emotion?
Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, in a recent video says, “be creative ! when you have anger, use that as support for meditation.”
No doubt a way out, but not easy!
The other times he was good, we had a short walk while Qinzhi was having her tuition at MBS. Ever sensitive, he would hold my shopping bags and hold my hand. I could feel his little hands growing and warming me up.
I said to Huaihao, “its nice to hold your hand and not beat your hand.”
We then went to get presents, for Karyn’s Dad, Karyn and for Qinzhi. Huaihao said Qinzhi needed a black pen, and so we went to Muji to get it. Then he chose the Marvel T shirt for Karyn’s dad and drew a card for Karyn.
I love his doodles, look at the eyes!
I never thought that the day Huaihao challenged me would come so fast. And even if so, Huaihao has a way that would swiftly bring you back to him. Be good Huaihao, I wish you love and healthfulness, sincerely!
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