Because I didn’t. So I got to discovering this. and a collection of thoughts below.
The Heart Went Wild
We were heading back from our walk and I was panting
Bf remarked if I was ok because we were just brisk walking
I said now even if I brisk walked, I was panting less than the days before when I was doing nothing but panting and frail and weak and fatigued
And he said, that is because your mind is lost and your heart doesn’t know what to do
Your mind went away and did not give instructions to the heart and the heart went wild too
Wow
And he hit the mail on the head. The heart went wild, went everywhere and nowhere.
I was LOST, big time
I got impatient trying to find something to do
I sent out resumes
And didn’t get replies
I tumbled into a very low low
I completely lost myself and couldn’t steer myself anywhere
For a while I didn’t know what I want and worse nothing really could motivate me or anchor me
Qinzhi was so right
She said ,” you look like you are so down with life “
And I worried her
Then yesterday when I felt better, she said, “ you look like you found something you are passionate for “
I told bf this and he asked me what I found.
Heal Thyself
I said I found – again this reminder – I can heal myself
Just today walking and chatting om ah hung – Guru Rinpoche ‘s mantra brought me newfound wisdom
I went back to the sacred cave in tso pema and saw Guru Rinpoche in his cave
I was kneeling before him and trying to feel his presence and blessings
It’s a very special feeling
Feels like there’s something else that touches you through and through in the air
Actually I kept asking for healing and blessings and today I understood that my prayers were heard – even if I thought I was not heard
I asked for healing and I kept going back to the past to check on myself and when I went there I always saw or found new things about myself
Yes there was healing
Power
And I also realized how much of my own power I have given out
Each time I looked outside for advice, I went out to look for consolation, I gave a bit of my power away
But- Each time I engage in initiatives to do something for myself engaging and ascertaining my power I feel good
Show Up for Today
And I didn’t couldn’t show up for life in the few days that I was not well
Do Today Do Now
I was thinking big! My purpose in life, the meaning I can derive . And I got even more lost
But just now ! The message I heard was- just look at tomorrow or even now . Do the day well. Make every moment of the day joyful, easy, effortless, happy, healthy.
And the bigger things will come
只要过好每分每秒，未来的都是生命的花红
If you make each moment count, everything that comes along is a gift from life
Listening to Joey Yap these 2 days inspired me in two ways
He said that if you wanted something, it’s not the wish you made that makes it possible but the steps you take . When you take the correct action, you do not have to keep your eyes on the end result because you get there.
It’s the steps you take.
Second, he talked about opening up to grace. And that we have notions about what is grace. Like this is grace or healing and that is not and in so we could not see what has been given .
This brings me to the point of me realizing this point yesterday during the run—— that my body actually has healed the keloid over and over again. If this isn’t grace what is????
YET I failed to recognize it. And time and again it has stood by me. Mended me.
Today in my run , I found something else.
That me of all people must have at one point in time believed that I m lesser, lesser than beautiful.
It could be a time when I was fat and obese and there were well meaning people around me poking at me in fun ways to make me watch my diet but I took it the wrong way.
And in an instant, I of all people put an energy on myself as I too, believed in that.
I believe and grew to become ugly somewhere, my esteem and confidence bruised
I did away with my fleshy round face and rosy blush cheeks
Today in my run, I actually saw this for myself. And how I – of all people stopped myself and limited myself and subjected myself to a lesser state
But seeing this was liberating, I came face to face with the little girl I was and she was crying.
“Why did they say those things to me? Am I not perfect beautiful cute?”
And I said to her, “ forgive them! They said these things as passing remarks. They did not know how to express better. They still loved you anyway.”
Let them go and that intense energy you subjected yourself to- dissolve into nothingness
“You are beautiful as always. Find back the blush the rosy cheeks the round face. Don’t give them up just like that.”
And for once, I found the keloids scar beautiful. They were a testament to how much my body loves me, stood by me , and beautiful because of this story of knowing
Huaihao came over at 6 in the morning , hugged and kissed me and gave me a card he made, “happy birthday mommy”
At night I asked him what are his wishes for me? And he said, “I wish for you long life, happiness and healthy!”
On my birthday, HuaiHao woke up earliest as always and showed me his handmade card. Then Qinzhi woke up too and hugged me. After the kids headed to school, we had vegetarian bee hoon and headed to the market and supermarket to get ingredients for dinner. We went to collect the cake.
Bf asked the kids to ask dad sis and boy over for dinner. And i m thankful for that. I made a wish and blew the candle on my birthday cake . And it is as perfect as can be.
More importantly, yesterday, I kind of took some time to listen to my (higher self) and got some notes out of it.
Conversation with TPY
This is one beautiful birthday where you felt like you didn’t need anything else, isn’t it? In the past, you wished that your husband bought you flowers or pampered you with a lavish dinner, or throw you a surprise. Not this year.
You kind of felt like you don’t need anything from your husband children , you are thankful for whatever they have done for you and simply, them being here.
Actually, I don’t know how this year went by for you. It went so fast everything was deep and intense as you put your all into the depths and the roller coaster of the mind and emotions of course. But – you know- you actually wanted it didn’t you?
and so off you went to explore the mind.
You ran SO So Much! Never have you ran and walked so much in the sun but you found newfound freedom me time and so much wonderful wisdom and healing in the runs. You sort of got answers for your questions from the wind, the squirrels the insects the flowers the sun and-I m amazed you actually ran in the rain
You explored the breath
You explored affirmations
You found a greater understanding for yourself your life your experiences
And saw the connection of the mind and body
You learned about manifestations
You explored qigong
You enjoyed sound baths
You went back to yoga
I feel like the key word for you this year is energy
You did lots of energy work knowingly and unknowingly-you were exploring energy-of yourself and of others
You explored reiki- and that is because you felt there is a lot more work to be done exploring keloids and your past experiences
You wanted to go back. In fact, you kept going back to the past- fervently digging and digging. Wanting to stay there and not going forward.
Looking back: what were you thinking? What did you want to find?
What truths are you seeking and hanging on to? Just to stop yourself from going forward? You have created the keloids, the cyst and many others to stop yourself from going forward.For instance, you felt you needed healing. And you peeled off onion layers and saw more.
You kind of indulged yourself
And I know you are very thankful to your husband for allowing you, he took on the more difficult parts of supporting the family so you could do this.
The year that passed you by – happened in the very way you wanted
And landed you in the now
So be careful what you want
What do you want?
The k drama you picked out- Little Women was a thriller ride on plots and inner psyche. In a scene, the female lead found herself in a new house and her aunt said, “this is the kind of house that makes you feel like you can start off all over again even if you have lost everything”
And you turned to HuaiHao who was watching with you and said, “ isn’t it nice to start off afresh? If all is not lost, you wouldn’t be able to do anything you want however you want it. There would be patches here and there that you had to manoeuvre around and take care of .
It feels like where you are now. And when you kind of understood why you hanged on to this drama amongst others. Simply put, the outside is a reflection of the inner world
There is something in you TPY – and in you too- you you you and you- and that is intuition, instinct inner knowing
It might be a blur to the senses but you me we have it
So what do you want?
You were discussing this with the hairstylist the day before your birthday. It started with her recommending a really short spanking hairdo and asking you to do away with the fringe
You asked what happens if the fringe grew long?
And she said, “ then come look for me!”
You explained to her that you liked her suggestion more- you wanted the change didn’t you but you felt that keeping the fringe would be more convenient. I m glad you finally decided to pick what you like rather than what is convenient
And writing this made you realized what you just did- a while ago you asked yourself who you wanted to be? And you told yourself you wanted to be this girl bathed in sun, lean and athletic, with this sporty hairdo.
It has (be)come true
So I m really glad you chose the short hairdo, inherently- choosing to explore the new hairdo and be willing to be guided by it and see what comes out of it.
Recounting what she said you smiled. You wondered why you took the time to even think
You smiled because you are once again reminded and so thankful that there are so many people around you supporting you
There is absolutely no need to worry, nothing to concern yourself over.
I was really glad you took her advice to trim this short, she said, “I hope you find the inspiration to start off and start out-do what you like.”
I m glad you told her you trusted her and you knew this was the best option. I m glad you left it to her. I m glad – you decided to try something new rather than something you have done before
I m glad you followed your heart. Huaihao came up with a shopping list and listed love as one ingredient when you told him dinner is hotpot. He said, “because love IS the MOST important ingredient”
I m glad you affirmed what you liked when the hairstylist asked you that question – what do you like to do?
You said you like to go in search of beauty. Because in the experience of beauty you become whole and alive again. In beauty you redeemed your good self
Then you told her that you like to interview or talk to people- because people often tell you about the innermost bits of their lives – even if you have recently met. It is that trust and connection that you like to score.
And then you spoke about the man in your lives . You both have unromantic husbands. And would be always waiting out for that lovey dovey conversation or moment of romance and that would be the battery to let you go on
You laughed over the notion of (holding on to)romance
The hairstylist remarked that she does not believe in romance. And you said that the one who passes a remark like this is the romantic one
And she stopped to remind you this: “let me tell you this, the husband who does not require you to change to fit realistic demands is the one who is utmost and truly a romantic.”
That is because , she says, he allows you to do what you like and
he will face up to the harshest of realities and do all that is required so that you can continue to do what you like
It was a timely reminder- or a great summation of the last few years when you quit and your husband supported you wholeheartedly- with no expectations or conditions attached
It is not the first time you heard this
In fact you heard this several times over already but perhaps today you felt the gravity of it the most
This morning you felt it again when he hugged you with all his life
You cried in his arms because you knew he was protecting you all the while even when you were a spoilt brat and unreasonable
You felt it because a few days back he told you that you two could take a trip together
And you knew this came at this time because you two had passed the test
You were asking him where always did he want to go with you
And he replied, “france “
You were very happy because that is where you always always wanted to go with him too
You told him you were saving this for his 50th birthday to which he replied, “Sometimes u don’t have to keep things”
And you contemplate getting good class flight tickets because something tells you that this is such a precious trip – it is time given to you both to celebrate you two and it marks the beginning of better times in fact- great times for the two of you
More so, you wanted to thank him for unconditionally doing so many things for the family . Most of all, for you
And you wanted to thank him for that. You wanted to do something for him to say you appreciate and is thankful for him
And a few days later, he bought running shoes for you
My dear TPY, while you have spent so much time deliberating and fussing over yourself and your experiences, I m so glad you came to your senses and you have completed this little project of going back in time for yourself. And for coming back to the now at this point in time. Everything happened at the right time.
I believe as much as you do know, that the time has come forth for you to step out and up – to be that person you have stopped yourself from becoming
Tell me: What is the life or days you are looking out for ?
Days of sun, light , laughter, healthfulness, wellness, communication, love, bliss, beauty, meaning, purpose, kindness, prosperity, ease, effortlessness
What is it you like to do?
Talk to people, find out about their lives their values, so as to let them see their light and power, to connect.
And if possible, share that light outwards so more people are inspired and motivated
You want to become that top interviewer or presenter who would ask questions that would arrive at the innermost of the heart and that would heal
You want to be moved and to touch
And you ask yourself if you can do that?
YES YES YES you know you can and will
Happy birthday TPY
You are so loved. I wish you all the very best. You have all the support you need to do your work. So, fly now.
I always intended before I started walking or running. To use the practice ahead to expand on my consciousness, to open my mind further . To reconnect with my body, my self——- seemingly brainless or basic things but really it’s not that easy after all.
But as always on me time, inklings always come about.
(I) Like
One day I asked TPY what does she like? And the responses came.
我喜欢被感动，然后去感动别人
我喜欢发现，喜欢新，喜欢去发掘新奇的东西
可能别人会错过的
我喜欢做别人的眼睛，帮别人去发现发掘出来美
In essence, I found out that it’s not so much writing that I liked but discovering the new and seeing how I act on it or react to it. I like to look ahead and watch out for new things and to find the connection with it
(II) Open Up Show Up
On another day, I asked myself why do I need my shield of keloids and it dawned on me that at a certain point in my life, when life rained on me, I felt like I was not able to receive or manage already and so I put up my hands to block
And block all of life I did. The keloids when dad left and mom passed on. Then when Qinzhi experienced epilepsy —— and now writing this made me understand how I put a shield on my navel with the cyst!
When I felt how life was throwing things at me and I was overwhelmed and how life isn’t working for me
I put things up as a shield
And H did send me Louise Hay’s interpretation of a cyst
“Cysts: Running the old painful movie. Nursing hurts. A false growth. Cystic Fibrosis: A thick belief that life won’t work for you. “Poor me.”
And I took the chance to tell TPY – I do not need to shy away from life and it’s offerings anymore. I affirmed the circle of support I have and once again worked at feeling openness.
I need not hide from life- at all.
I affirm that I enjoy success prosperity vibrant great health and energy amazing fulfilling wholesome relationships
I affirm I am in the flow and always travelling in the best direction
I want to experience openness and success like never before
(III) Breathe
On another day when it rained as I was running, I was more desperate trying to anchor myself on my breath than escaping the rain. When it rained on, the voice in me grew louder : stay with the breath, stay. Move the body not the mind. Stay with the breath, feel it. And that was the gateway or link to the present. Not worries about the rain or getting rained on.
(IV) Yoga
I kind of am reconnecting back to yoga and is intrigued by the things the instructor says during the lesson
Such as- don’t do the pose let the pose do you.
Such as, let the yoga begin now
Such as, we see more when we feel more
The purpose of doing so much is to go in
As the pose gets a bit more intense, find a place to get comfortable . Adjust. Stay with the breath. Move the breath. Move the body not the mind
Find a place for the breath, where it hasn’t been before
And I see squirrels, eagles, birds and know – all is well.
If anything, find all ways to be connected with the self. And always , always come back to centering the self- or the breath.
No matter how hard it is raining. Ot what you see, hear, feel. Come back to the breath.
Its been a while since I picked up running 3 times a week. Although each time the route is the same, the process is so different.
What has been different is that H has been coming for healing sessions , energy work and I learn things each time. During the first session, her pendulum wouldn’t move on top of my crown, with energy work, the pendulum always moves in a vibrant fashion . But in subsequent sessions, in the beginning, the movements were small. My vital points were always wanting of movements and energy.
It is no wonder I felt low down and out. Not in the flow not connected.
Thoughts in the night
I have been drifting in and out of sleep at night with thoughts, such as: I have been “managing the keloids ” for the past close to 10 years, is it not enough? Not enough scratching itching inflammation?
Enough already?
I asked myself- or my higher self asked me—- in the middle of the night.
Peeling of layers
Today I peeled off another layer about the keloids.
Whilst walking back after the run, I peeled off another layer. The most recent realisation saw me seeing how the keloids were a shield and a protection for me.
Today I asked why I needed the protection?
The question is: do i still need protection now? The next thing that came to me was that I actually have support layers around me, whether it be family, an essential oil community or healers and people I could reach out to.
I am no longer that little one that needs protection, or -layers of protection.
The next thing I saw was that- the keloids were a shield and protection I desperately put up- in the time I need. There were these moments in time when I could no longer take any more. It was like the waves of life were coming at me. And I must have felt like I needed to block these out, and in a bid to block out whatever that was coming – I could no longer care if it’s good for me or not—- I needed a shield of protection. I needed to hide behind this shield this protection.
Today I saw how used to”shielding/protecting” myself from life I have become accustomed to. The shield and protecting is already happening unconsciously running automatically. In the same measure, the same “reflex”action, this habitual action and mindset, I block myself out of all receiving. Of all good things of all life.
Blocking out has been my habitual act I have become so used to, it happens without thinking.
Surrender
Surrendering is easier said than done. That day when I ran, I tried to work on open awareness. Basically just be aware of everything and anything around you. I felt like there was content in the atmosphere and I just wanted to allow the self to be open to this. To let the divine take over.
Whilst running today, I tried to open myself up. To allow, and to open up and allow. How do you push or let your self be aside and let the divine take over?
What is the feeling of stepping aside? Of putting your ego away in everyday life, in relationships?
Yoga
So many meaningful things felt during the yoga session on Monday. Teacher said, “find a place space for your breath – where it hasn’t gone to in your body. “
At the end of the session, I felt myself in stillness, in that place, there isn’t much movement, and you don’t really want to move. And after I left the studio, I wanted to keep that stillness somewhat. Trying my utmost to not disturb that sensation.
What I like
I told H about how Kim Robinson sat me down and used lipstick on my lips and told me , “Yen you have the most beautiful lips.”
I teared up. For he rescued me in that time of need. And till now, I remembered that moment even if he might not remember me. In my work previously, I have had the honour and privilege of meeting with angels like him, it was as if divinity is speaking to me through them, cherishing me motivating me, energising me.
It is moments like these- I felt connected to the divine. And in the years I have stayed away from work, I kind of lost grip and slipped away from these precious connections.
Getting back to work
I asked bf for support if I was ever going back to work. And he asked me what that is. I described to him how he could leave home without a care and to be devoted to work. Even if the kids were not well, he does not even call back to check on them. And that is because I m holding the fort at home.
And he got it. I asked if he is ready to commit to holding space and the home like this for me, when I get out to work. And when I do, I will have no reservations. I have been storing energy in the past 3 years for me to fly when I get out there.
Reflection
Saw the moon walking back and I instantly and instinctively turned to find the sun, in the opposite direction. Like resonance.
See the moon and you know where the sun is. As in what we see in our lives everyday. As above, so below. As with in, so with out. As the universe, so the soul. ― Hermes Trismegistus
3)buddha nature : enlightened goodness inherent in us: all of us are perfect
The original purity
Dharmakhaya
Pristine awareness
Clarity
Luminosity
All of us has great quality has awareness love compassion powers
We need to recognize and discover
If we have ten qualities
We always see or exaggerate the one negative qualities even if we have nine good qualities
How to experience and recognize our innate quality our pure awareness
Buddha: You all are Buddha and have enlightened nature. How to recognize this?
It is as if you have a house and the land, beneath house is a treasure. But you don’t know. You struggle to live your life.
But actually you are a v rich person
One day you met a treasure hunter and recognize that you are a rich person.
You might be surprised because you struggled to survive. All this while.
Treasure hunter says you have treasure under your house and discover with you the treasure underneath
And exchanged some for luxury
Who is richer
The person who don’t recognize he has treasure
The person who recognized he has Treaure and exchanged some for luxury house
Both same rich
Problem is he don’t recognize he has treasure
We all have treasure within ourselves
Basic innate goodness wisdom skills potential —- your true nature is Buddha but you don’t recognize or not yet discover this enlightened quality within ourselves
As we recognize more, we become more free
We create our suffering and reality based on our ignorance and the reality becomes solid and we trap ourselves with our kind speech etc
Samsara is nirvana
Suffering doesn’t exist
We are perfect
But in the reality of suffering we create we can’t go beyond time impure body speech mind environment or obscurations
How to discover our treasure our Buddha nature within ourselves
In vajrayana tradition there are three ways to discover the enlightened nature within ourselves
⁃ developmental stage : we use imagination as path. With imagination which is v powerful form shape colour ie working with body
⁃ Completion stage with concept : working with subtle body working with speech the essence is breath or energy which exist thru body. Nerves nadi or channels : things loving inside nadi is cells or essence of energy bindu. Rhythm of moving and change is prana
⁃ Path of liberation: completion without concept : 5 levels in Tergar : working directly with mind and awareness with thinking feeling habitual and essence (or true nature of ) mind
Focus on developmental stage
Using imagination
Whatever we do in our life we have to use imagination
There’s some kind of image speech sensation belief in imagination
These four constitute imagination
Olympic athletes use imagination in training
Grow muscles by imagination- imagination running
Some pple can’t raise hand, imagine can raise hand and really can raise hand
Imagination can come true and become reality! Power of imagination!!!
In developmental stage, use imagination as path
Use enlightened qualities with imagination
We all are Buddha have immeasurable wisdom skills potential compassion all with you but none of them are manifesting with the way we look and manage our problems
All problems or obscurations are temporary so don’t worry!!!!!
Maybe you don’t have wisdom skills potential compassion now but you can IMAGINE! And become Buddha like!!! What Buddha see do feel!
Look at all beings with the eyes of a Buddha , with wisdom beyond concept
Imagine white Tara – wisdom
Fake it till you make it
Use concept to go beyond concept
Actually not totally faking because at essence level you are Buddha
In practice imagine you are Tara and share the light to heal and purify all beings
When you imagine deity, it’s like moon reflection in lake is empty form
Ie emptiness but emptiness doesn’t mean nothing
Emptiness is fullness or potential
You get refuge
Real refuge is connecting with the Buddha within ourselves
Taking fruition as path ie just thinking that I m enlightened
Awareness: because without this you can’t concentrate on the deity and his qualities
It is interesting how I picked out dramas. They seem to deliver the things I need to keep me in perspective
Annarasumanara aka The Sound of Magic is a fantasy-music-psychological K-drama directed by Kim Seongyoon and written by Kim Minjeong. The show is based on Ha IIkwon’s webtoon of the same name, starring South Korean superstar Ji Changwook in the lead role, alongside Choi Sungeun and Hwang Inyeop.
Annarasumanara is a moving and inspiring story about growing up and being the person you want to be. It’s a beautiful message about seeking happiness through faith in one’s dreams.
Magic doesn’t create miracles
But allows you to discover them
How should we live life
A lot of adults give a lot of answers
How would an immature child answer that question?
Would that answer be wrong
Flowers don’t bloom on asphalt road but on bumpy dirt
I realised that I can’t become a magician that everyone in the world believes but I can at least become a magician for one person
You know I m going to keep trying to become a good adult that gives little miracles to people
The secrets of all that magic
If you just break out of the mould of the word destiny
There is a world just for you
Make your own fantasy
Spread your worn out hopes that you crumpled and put away
Breathing in fresh air and releasing whatever anger pain frustration guilt shame there might be
And something wonderful came up
Be Proud Of Dad
For every time it hurt and shamed and pained me each time dad asked me for money
I suddenly- yes suddenly, know that in this persistence is an honor of a person wanting to fulfill his promise to others
If I recount properly, dad made a mistake out of ignorance and in that he promised to take responsibility and to take up payment
And payment has been for the last 20years at least – for as long as I know
This is not easy persistence or perseverance
Anyone else could have taken the easy way out to default
But my dad continued to persevere to uphold his promise and to make good his error
To right his wrong
If anything I should be very very proud of him and very very blessed and I want to tell my kids about this story of keeping a promise.
And with that line of thought, I asked the universe for help so I could dad in any little way I can to make him feel better
What If There Was Nothing To Heal
I have been thinking about this for a while. What if there is nothing to heal. If everything is happening for me and that I m guided by the divine always. And throat everything that I need is taken care of by the divine, it is about accepting and living with what I have.
HuaiHao found himself having a sore throat and fever.
And I did what I did and bf did what he did. We circled back into the cycle and that got me really worked up.
I found myself shutting him out and off – for him saying the things he said and doing the things he used to.
I feel anger and all of those I stored up- each time the kid was not well he said the same – did the same- all of those.
I feel so pent up that I was dizzying away and I knew energies were imbalanced
Was tired out . I was almost shutting down and shutting off had it not been for the need to care for HuaiHao
I feel so blocked and uncomfortable my stomach area was not really digesting and today I woke up with my little finger numb.
If something is in pain or numb it means the circulation is bad and the flow isn’t ideal
As I walked – I just find that I needed to get out for a walk and to do some release,
And it occurred to me that pent up energies is stored there in the little finger. So I kept doing circulatory movements to get the flow
Kept breathing in and letting stale energies flow out from there
Was belching a lot
Yesterday somehow while I was itching and scratching at the keloids , it occurred to me that I had the tendency to harden and stiffen myself up each time I met with a not so ideal situation
To handle or manage a particular time, I stiffen and harden myself up clench my teeth to meet with it head on
And yes of late I realise I have been clenching my teeth a lot a lot unconsciously and I been doing my best to undo this clench
Hardening up and stiffening has been my modus operandi and my body showed that to me to wake me up in the form of the keloids the inherent spirit – because the body is a reflection of the mind!
Showing to me how I force my way out clenching my teeth tightening my jaws and body to fighting a way out
With this realization —-/I feel immensely thankful.
Thankful and full of gratitude to the divine and most of all to my body for supporting me all the while the way it did and doing the best for me
I want to change
I am willing to change
Nothing needs to be forced. No strength is needed to get things going.
I Release This Old Mode Of Living By Force, Of Driving Myself By Force, By Hardening Up Stiffening Myself Up
I choose to soften to go with the flow to breathe in to be comfortable with whatever life brings me. Because I know – everything is happening for me, everything I need is taken care of by the divine . And that I m always divinely protected guided and loved.
There is nothing I cannot do and everything is possible.
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