I asked HuaiHao to feel me. And he says, “ you are tired. I don’t touch your head I also know.”
I asked him why does he think I am tired and he says, “ feels like overheating. You have too many things going on inside your head and the body cannot keep up”
It does feel like there are a bit more things going on now. Becoming a writer again for publications and wringing my head to make the most out of an interview
Looking and relooking . Reading and re reading. Editing and editing all over again the story I wrote until it feels like I cannot edit anymore.
For a few hundred dollars? Sometimes – tens of dollars? What is this really for?
Then we chat about other things and HuaiHao asked me to exercise and exert myself on an every day basis.
He reminds me, “ it takes months and years (to show the result), you can’t expect to run today and get yourself lean and muscular tomorrow.”
How did this little one get so much knowledge- no wisdom?
I told him how thankful I am to meet him and Qinzhi and to be their parent.
“It’s like if that sperm was 1 second earlier or 60 seconds later, it might not have been you or Qinzhi.” I said.
And we hugged.
That was the most important thing. The best part. The healing.
I told Huaihao I snagged a chance to write for SXXX. And he went, wow!
At bedtime. I think I must have woken him up.
“Are you happy?” I asked? He said, “What do you think ? Of course I am! “
I told him my fears and worries. And he went, “Why are you discouraging yourself? You should be happy! Its SXXX! You know?”
I asked him why he thinks I have these fears, worries? And he asks me not to think about that.
“How many people can say that? That my mommy is writing for SXXX?”
That kind of got me. This did not cross my mind at all. But Huaihao pointed it out.
My line of thought went back to the time when we discussed impossibility. I told Huaihao how I got hold of this exclusive interview-and then onwards to this story pitch which seemed impossible as well.
The impossibility of things and doing something along those lines, kind of piqued me and motivates me.
“Do I make you proud of me?”
“You should be proud of yourself mommy.”
The next thing I did was to raindrop Qinzhi. It’s our precious time together. We chat about anything and everything, it was mundane and it was good. The littlest things are precious and I just love how Qinzhi opens her arms to welcome me in for hugs. It feels like I reached home. And I hug her at her legs while she does her dome.
If anything, spending time with children is bliss bliss and bliss. We get to see things through their eyes, their world-newer than our own perhaps. We get to experience things we might not have been able to.
The everyday is bliss. Often times we want to reach for the skies, and in that, we kind of made things we have small or at least incomparable. But if you know- how precious this is.
It’s NDP and HuaiHao said he wanted to see the flag flypast the once a year fireworks display.
And thankfully I heeded his advice
But the fighter keys were the real deal for the day
They always got me emotional and I do not know why
I love the roar of it. Deafening. But more so stirring my heart. HuaiHao and Qinzhi said they could feel the roar tugging at their hearts
But I had a chat with HuaiHao at bedtime and I know why now
It’s the impossibility of that feat. The vertical climb in seconds and still in control. And not losing it. What kind of a person is behind that yoke? how does he manage that ? How does he see that the impossible gets done.
I was still talking about this yesterday. Getting stars to cook at the Michelin gala. Getting an exclusive for Cedric Grolet.
Getting the impossible done. Seeing that it gets done.
On our way home on the mrt, I saw an old gentleman smiling while looking at his recording of the parachutist – it’s beautiful this scene I saw. The uncle was reliving moments of the national day parade earlier
And I thought to myself, I want to do content do work or live in such a way that brings smile joy a sense of peace to another.
There was also the fireworks which literally inspire you to be nothing short of spectacular. Even if it was moments
I’m so thankful for my kids and to have the opportunity to see these with them today!
May everyone get the opportunity to see spectacular things people places !
The intention was to find the answers I need to help me move forward.
Ever since I came back from my trip, I find my body slowing down, sometimes I felt like my coordination was up in slips
This gave me worries and fears. Anxiety built up and I went – as usual to search for answers.
Was it stress? What was I really worried about? What bothered me?
So I set this intention for the run today
And I heard these flost into my awareness
– Run deliberately. Breathe deliberately. Go about your life’s littlest things deliberately.
– You created all this, all these extra things with some form of discontent with the present, that present you have had. You wanted something else other than that,
Let’s just say you didn’t really put yourself in the now
My way of tackling an issue is asking why but that did not work for me. It always brought me into a whirlwind of unsettled emotions which confused and thwarted my balance. So I asked. And the answer came.
– whatis the best thing you can do in this moment? Or this next moment ? What is the step you can work on. Just do that.
–release. I realize all worries fears doubts self criticism and judgments I have in my system ever since the beginning of time and
– the mind body connection is very real. I hesitated about my way forward and my body merely showed that to me because it was not apparent to me
– what was it that really bothered you? What was stopping you? I asked. Worries (again?) about the kids? My abilities? Actually- no.
It was not knowing exactly what or how I want to live my life.
The last few episodes of The King Land echoed to me.
Won’s mother came to his father and asked of him to let the child live as he wants. To live the life he wants. She said that when she erroneously left Won as a child, she thought that would be the way to protect him, but in that decision she gave up the opportunity to live the life she wanted
She asked Won’s father , “ and did you live the life you want?”
In the final episode, Sarang decides to leave the King Hotel in which she was a top performer. She breaks the news to Won on the same occasion he wants to propose to her. And he keeps the ring back knowing that to love is to allow, to let the other’s dream take priority before yours.
He only asks of her, “ promise that on this journey when you find it tough alone, call me and I will run over”
When Sarang was in confusion trying to decide, she confided in her grandmother
“I’m wondering if the work I do at the hotel is what I really want to do? This isn’t what I dreamed of. I know I should be thankful instead of complaining.“
“My baby has finally learned to grumble and whine. No matter how well known a restaurant is, it’s no use if it’s not to your liking. Who cares about the hotel? you only live once. You should do what you want to do. Don’t mind other people. And don’t hesitate either. Do everything you want to. If it isn’t the way you can take a detour. If you fall off a cliff you can climb back up again. You will be fine. I’m here for you so do whatever you want to do.”
her grandmother put things into perspective for her, “”
And the question that is begging: what IS the life I want? Did I live life the way I want?
I think the last few years had me searching—- I was asking a lot on the inside and that translated to exploring on the front outside. I picked up things here and there and tried things that echoed to me
But they are not exactly mine. Perhaps at most, I rubbed of them a little. I was inspired. I tried to emulate and embrace. But they didn’t last because it’s not me and I would always feel bad about not persevering.
And so, at this point in time, I am asked to find my way. To start living. To be me.
Knowing what you truly want- that is the highest position.
Still fascinated or having questions about the now.
So the practice follows the intention yesterday- to bring me to the now
And I was asking myself the question- what is in the now?
As I ran, the answers came.
Inspirations for my work. Questions I could ask newsmakers. Stories I could pitch. Things I can cook for lunch.
My mind was running everywhere in the now.
Then the wind came along. I used it to shower my body with the freshness it brought.
I asked it to cleanse me if the excessive energies and anything that no longer supports me.
I felt good with/ in the wind and that brought about feelings of gratitude. I thank my body for running with me, the divine for the opportunity and myself for showing up.
Running in the cool wind made me happy! Now brought me joy- if I am aware.
When I a bit lazy, I used the now to set the intention to plant this seed of healthfulness for my future.
And it appears to me- now is everything and anything. It’s emptiness but fullness or wholeness as well.
It’s where things are created and the future is paved.
I set the intention to have the practice of running help me come to the now.
And it did
NOW.
Such a simple word but profound in any and every way you can think of.
Thoughts came in the run. People came. And I kind of felt it visually – like a pull of their energy coming towards me.
And I asked myself why.
Attachments. Things to do. Things not yet finished. Lingering doubts tensions. Unresolved
I saw how my mental afflictions and delusions were. I saw how and where I put my energy or focus on. I saw how my heart clung on or attached to. I saw grasping.
And the wind came.
I saw it rustling the leaves and wished you could too.
I asked it to help me be in the now.
When I run without anything else. Running wholeheartedly and without anything else with emptiness is such bliss
Chanced upon this new kpop drama at the time I picked up Buddhist studies at Tibet House
The teachings were profound and spoke of the law of cause and effect which governed the universe- and life
The teachings spoke of mental afflictions like attachments aversions and ignorance and how we keep ourselves in samsaric existence in the wheel of life
That was what the kpop drama is about
Ji Eum is in her 19th life and she remembers all the other lifetimes
Because of her attachments she couldn’t let go of, she actively courts the people who were dear to her in her last lifetime like Seo Ha whom she loves, like her sister Cho won whom she loves
When emotions got intense Ji Eum lets her truth out to Cho won and Seo Ha
But there was one dream that coming to her and that was something she had to piece together
Kang is another young man who provided the clue to this dream. He placed the shaman’s bells in Ji Eum’s room and she gets to go back to her first life
By and by she saw what happened, piecing things together bit by bit
She saw how Kang in her first life killed Cho won and herself , and how Seo ha protected her
Most of all she saw how she, in a fit of anger, in a crucial moment, vowed to remember this hatred and to come back
When she saw it was herself that bound herself to the past, she broke down.
It wasn’t anyone else who tied her down. While she was looking for the killer who killed her sister and herself, she realised that it was non other than herself who bonded herself to this lifetime, it was her who stopped herself from breaking away or breaking up
It was herself who cursed herself
“It was me. I bound myself to it. Because I was enraged.”
And who brought herself into existence over and over again
Wow
Wow
Wow
And the title to this final episode reads, “ the one who ties the knot has to untie it”
The drama used an analogy this way.
Her niece in her last lifetime is sick and Kang tells her there is a way to saving her
He seeks redemption and asks for forgiveness
And delivers the message that –
If and only if Ji Eum forgets everything and all memories fall apart and there is no trace of remembering anyone she is attached to
If she chooses this path, her niece would be saved. Conversely if she chooses to remember, Cho won and Seo ha whom she loves dearly will suffer the same fate
Ji Eum rationalizes over this and try as she might she does not want to forget
She asks, “ what can I share if I forget”
In her agony it was Seo ha who came to her and assures her that even if she does not recognize him, he will come to her
Ji Eum seems to have decided and went to her house in her previous lifetime
She hugs her mother who seems to know that Ji Eum is in fact her beloved daughter who has passed away and has come back- a promise her daughter made to her
Ji Eum finally went to the bridge in her first life where she was killed, shaman bells in her hand
And she met her in her first life and is asked how she feels
Ji Eum says she is happy
A carefree heart that is ready to forget everything
And four words- All is good now
And the drama shows that she is renewed and has no more memory of Seo ha and Cho won
Instead, the tides have changed and in turn Cho won and Seo ha now court her back
Ji Eum is a new piece of paper with the memories gone
I love how the story brings the theme of acceptance and making peace out
If we live and breathe without acceptance, we are essentially living the past in the now
Recycling attachments emotions and creating more afflictions and mental defilements to further lock ourselves- and our loved ones in samsara
So much pain misery and suffering
But even so – like how Ji Eum finds it hard to choose to forget
And rather hangs on in pain
The drama shows that there is a way out
And that if we forget – actually , if we choose to accept we can start off on a clean slate
Life is lighter and simpler
And this is exactly what the Buddhist teachings are proposing
That we all have the potential and freedom to choose at every moment in time
To steer ourselves away from mental afflictions and to go closer towards wisdom
It is in the sway of emotions that we hang on to something of the past. In this clinging and grasping, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else
I look at myself in inspection
I have been wanting to “get rid” of the past- by not looking at it, by not touching it
Thinking that this is the way out
But it is so wrong
Making peace with oneself is not like that
Making peace means a carefree open heart and a feeling of freedom
I wish this for everyone for all beings to experience this openness and freedom in one way or another, at one time or another
May all beings be well and happy.
I told bf about this show and how Ji Eum’s dilemma to forget reminds me of mom who told dad at her deathbed that she wants to come back to him again and be his wife
I said any kind of pain is disregarded in her love for she still wants to be with dad
And bf asked, “how do you know it is all painful to her? You do not know what they went thru together. It’s only your perspective you see but you do not know the full story “
Indeed, I saw only the painful bits and took that as the whole
My perspective led me to the reality of a pain
Bf’s question got me thinking- a lot of people said mom loved dad more , but what if she got the love of her life from dad? That is why she is so giving too
Whatever the case, bf’s question had the effect of piercing through a dream and to break it up
And I saw how my one sided incomplete perspective led me into a dream. Is my heart carefree enough to forget this everything that is?
I tried to say “All is good now”
Yes all is good now
And if you were to see this from a larger perspective, the lifetimes actually could happen in one . They just refer to the past that one cannot let go of and keeps recycling
I was thinking of the cycles I went through. If this misery is an effect what is the cause?
The furthest one I could think of is that I did not do a proper understanding of the traumas I went through.
In simpler terms, I did not accept
That’s why I am having repercussions now- wanting me to do what I have not.
If so I have spent the time all this while in a dream- in my own reality. I have locked myself up to it’s confines. Do I still want this dream? My distorted reality and vision I built. And perpetuated.
There was a little spark I saw seeing this.
But during the run- this idea popped up: What if everything I believed was not ?
What if I had chosen another concept another idea?
What if I have chosen the path of acceptance and just let things be?
What if I believed I am healed totally ? Or there is nothing to be healed nothing to do?
The very fact that ai am running now is already a gift and opportunity.
To break out. To breakthrough. May we all have this penetrating ability and power to breakthrough.
Ran and saw a couple friend who once tried to get my help into their business, but it all fell apart on its own somehow. This happened perhaps half a year ago.
I must have tried many times to do a reconciliation of what happened , for example, I thought of the Dalai Lama’s words-that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck. Or things like, they can’t afford you. Or, this isn’t meant for you.
And so very suddenly, it dawned upon me in my run, that business cannot touch me. Or intentions which have the purpose of money making, can not yet touch me-no matter how much they do not seem so on the surface.
With that realisation, which reinforced the need for us to be still to receive wisdom- I went on to look at the things that I have dabbled in and somehow, went apart on its own after a while -perhaps because these are not in lined with my own intentions.
And what are my own intentions I asked?
I recall John’s words many years ago that my path is a spiritual one. And I thought of the time when I was at my highest, I was sharing light- not mine, but of others, things like honour, passion, love, belief, things like this, I was sharing these outwards in stories, videos.
And of late, the picture in my mind was just being with people who told me stories of their lives and how they created and keep creating magic and wonders-for themselves and others.
So what can touch me? I asked.
(ii) Caught in middle
Don’t we all? Do this or that? Choose this or that? Which way forwards? Every moment of choice when we deliberate over something. We find ourselves in a middle position which offers some form of resistance and challenge.
The crux is how do we use this rather than be sucked in the moment or feel compelled and becomes a reaction.
When action is really what we are after.
Awareness awareness awareness is easier said than done when we are under the conditioned mind, subject to the pinnings of yesterday, today, others, experiences.
Is there any way we can use the moment of choice of opportunity? Use it and make it literally so, so that we do not create decisions that land us away from what we really want.
I say so because of late I feel so caught. And it is giving me headaches because I am in the middle or have not taken a clear enough stand.
A part of me is still stuck in the past huh
Looking at it, I have been given so many opportunities to do something different each time this same thing comes up. And so many times past, I did the same, which birthed and consecrated this new event, and I am thinking so hard what to do-and it all happens in the background, its consuming my energy.
Buddhist studies helped lots, to let me know that there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, the theory is enlightening and liberating. The question is how do we reconcile with the issue on hand? How do we apply this learning.
How can I breakthrough of this cycle I have been perpetuating myself in?
How can I get out ?
Perhaps, rather than thinking my way out, I could feel my way out. I want to transform this, transmute, this.
The laws of cause and effect was brought to mind in the buddhist course, if I want the effect of breakthrough out of this cycle, what causes do I apply?
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