Category: Inspiration

Experiencing The Divine

Experiencing The Divine

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It was an amazing connection.

Yin asked if I wanted to make an offering to Bhante and Sister. It was a rainy morning but I managed to get Qinzhi and Huaihao’s buy in, and so we went.

Entering Bhante’s abode was like going into a place of calm and clean. The children washed the apples and prepared the food for Bhante. We rejoiced at the table together and Bhante prayed. It was a beautiful experience.

Then we went on to Sister’s

I told Yin in the kitchen, that I think I want to get a buddha and have it in my new house. Yin asked me to seek advice from sister and I didn’t, because I was not sure,

She was in white. I didn’t really know who she was. But this motherly figure touched me. She asked if I have a buddha image or statue at home and said that perhaps I should consider having one. For myself to concentrate on, to ground myself so that I can handle me and my kids better. Otherwise, the kids are taking energy off me.

She saw how I and the kids were responding to each other and pulled me to one side.

She says that the kids have very high ego and that is why I have to change the way I speak to them, to rally them on rather than to tell them what to do.

She says that I should speak less to conserve myself. If anything, she says that I should metta every day for at least 30minutes, because when I send and wish someone well, I get energised as well.

And suddenly it opened up the gate of fatigue. The tiredness the exhaustion flowed out so much, I couldn’t hold myself. It was like I was breaking up and my heart could not carry on.

I prayed with the kids with me on the train.

That Avalokitesvhara, Guru Rinpoche, and Medicine Buddha—–instills all the energy, all the life force all the vitality and protection and healing that I need to keep myself and my kids safe until we are home. And miraculously I felt better.

I told Yin how thankful I was to meet Sister and to get her advice and told her about testing out the healing in the divine. She replied “It always works”

This was a magical experience, very precious and sacred. The divine is speaking thru this lady in white to me. And I am very blessed to experience it.

She made me aware that I haven’t been aware of myself amidst the busying. She made me aware that I have been suppressing myself and not taking care of me and my body.

And she opened up the gate of fatigue which I have been ignoring and not mindful of.

So So So tired, anytime it felt like I could drop dead.

On another occasion, after work, I was so tired out, I felt my face and limbs numb and it felt as if I was going to have another panic attack.

A few other times, I had the sensation of swirling.

One on occasion, I felt that my brain or my heart is slowing down. These has translated into slower moving actions as I moved my legs, they were not really listening to me, I found a lag and the limbs become less agile.

Yesterday I was sitting in front of the computer and my heart fluttered.

I went to bed but was so tired out I couldn’t sleep. I felt I was stopping. The heart was beating its best to keep my going and trying to tell me something.

Just what?

A thought came that perhaps Mom felt so tired too she couldn’t take it anymore and she’s just let go. Was this stated of exhaustion what Mom felt?

She gave of herself too much.

To others but herself.

I felt so much fear in my heart it felt like a sting of sorts. It hung somewhere above me just not in with me.

I think I have over exerted myself , whether at work giving my all , contributing my life force and spirit and taking it as if it were my own. And at home, dealing with the kids. Or helping others on their healing journey.

One day John sent a WhatsApp and said something really wise, “

The purpose of you being the Healer, is not to save the world or save another human everyday. It will burden you and disillusioned you. People who are healed miraculously by you are soul willing. Thus, willing by free will.

The purpose is for us to connect with people whom we can connect to create a new beautiful outcome willingly. Like you and I. Our close bond together. Thus, enriches our existence and àenlightens our knowing. Willing and humble connection is to enlighten us. That’s real creation power. Unwillingness is untimelyness. Misfortune arises if we force the outcome. Fortunes rushes in when clarity is practiced daily.

Message Channelled today.”

I have unmindfully taken on too much responsibility. I give it my all. I have been totally thrown off balance. And I get back to trying to lean in on control but the more control I try to exert, the more out of control I feel. All these took so much out of me, I feel like an empty vessel, void, subdued and its time I learn to put me back and take care of myself.

Tuning in to Frances Fuller, gave me inspiration,

-creating your sacred space before you get out of bed: connection with source and creating a boundary and creating a harmonious environment for self and energy, for home

-first step in creating sacred space: connection with creator and live in sacred space: bring in harmonious frequencies and be in balance

-boundaries help u maintain a stable high frequency rather than be brought down into lower frequencies : building our unique energy signature, when we focus and run on our healthy perfect energy, we are strong powerful and in harmony with ourselves = lavender

-anchoring with strong trees :cedarwood copaiba

-allowing our authentic self to radiate out

-focus

-Practice checking in with yourself more often that you are living in your sacred space in pure harmony and balance without outside things interring with our being and existence in this beautiful space

Dear Guru Rinpoche, I pray that the protection, healing, blessings is on all beings on earth, wherever they are, whenever they need. Give us all the healing we need at the deepest level, let us mend and heal with the very magic of you.

Merry Christmas 2020

Merry Christmas 2020

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Huaihao taught me another lesson on the wee hours of Xmas day.

We were prepping presents for folks like grandpa, who drove the kids to school , for hui and popo, for Karyn’s dad who bought the kids presents on Xmas every year….

But in all the recent busying and getting frustrated over seemingly bad behaviour of the kids, we forgot about presents in stockings.

It was close to midnight and Huaihao couldn’t sleep.

HuaiHao: How does Santa get into the house mommy?

Me: You know like in storybooks? There’s always a chimney somewhere?

Huaihao (leading): When is he coming mommy? I am waiting and I cant sleep!

Then I remembered. Wherever is that recyclable stocking from Daiso?! We threw it away when we moved didn’t we? In our old flat, we would hang a stocking on the door’s handle and it will be filled with presents the kids wake up to.

Daddy would buy presents. Did he this year?

I suddenly realised how much presents in stockings mean to the kids.

Huaihao: Mommy, does Santa know we moved? What if he goes to our old house?

Christmas Day Teaching with Huaihao: Be careful what you throw. Especially the very things that carry hopes and dreams. We forgot about the presents in the dailyness of life. I didnt think Daddy remembered about putting presents into the stockings.

We forgot about how this all meant to the kids.

We forgot the magic.

And so, forgot to make magic.

The Great Conjuction

The Great Conjuction

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On the 21st December 2020, we all will be witnessing and experiencing the great conjunction—— where Saturn and Jupiter meet and form a bright star in the sky.

This cosmic phenomenon is closest to earth in 800 years and signals a time of great transformation

My friend sent me this video and I picked up many wonderful points

Such as

– so be at your highest

– human resonance measuring the heartbeat of the earth

– whatever you feel, you are pulling that future

– we are moving into elevated finer consciousness, ground up, community, less top down, more even distribution of good, 5D

Hearing this sends me into elevated state, one which I so easily leave behind because of the daily chores because freelance work is catching up

I get in touch with that part of me which I myself like so much

If anything , I feel blessed to be hearing this and to experience this conjunction

If anything, I have learnt that our souls have come to earth at this time to have a human experience and to harness the healing and wonderful energy coming out of this great conjunction.

You are very blessed

You you you you you and you, who is reading now.

Lifting

Lifting

by yellownblac ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

What makes you go on?

Especially when you are tired.

“Affected” by the little boy, probably stressed by the load of oncoming work, or distressed by it, I literally sunk and caved in.

I wasn’t breathing well, I was gasping for air, I felt constricted, compressed and my shoulders hurt.

My tongue was searing, like on fire. My breath had a stench.

I googled, the tongue is representative of the heart in TCM and in ayurvedic tradition, what is my searing tongue trying to say to me?

My heart is on fire? haha, probably so, when I was upset with Huaihao those few days.

I havent been that upset with him. Or—–was it, with myself?

Yes, myself.

Probably I wasn’t listening to myself enough.

I felt like the assignments I picked up aren’t really what I like, the business side of things, not that I really needed the money. But I could do. Who couldn’t ?

I didn’t like the business side of things, the reality of it.

Now that I m writing about it, its a certain reality that I didn’t like. Reality that does not go along with me, I tend to not like.

I saw me.

Then I came across something Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche said:” See everything as an opportunity.”

Tired, I wanted to get out of the house very much. I brought Huaihao to his holiday camp the morning and back, we held hands and walked.

And the breeze came.

Huaihao played with soft pastels today and he drew a snowman, so very pretty and he asked, “would you like it?”

I said yes! But more than anything, I don’t need anything from him.

I told Huaihao, I am just so so grateful, to be able to hold his hand and to walk together. That he is happy and healthy and we can walk together, hand in hand like this.

That day when I took him to class, I thought of something. The boy’s story came out in the news, and reading about his story made my emotions surge in a sudden.

But it was also good to let them (I hope, all) out.

I felt better afterwards strangely, having had a better understanding of the picture.

I the crying I sort of decided I wanted and will go on. I was jerked off the path in a way. In the crying, i sort of put myself back.

On the bus, I thought, there really is no time to waste in life. And that WE SHOULD GRAB EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE WELL, BE HAPPY, BE AUTHENTICALLY OURSELVES. TO EXPRESS OUR LIGHT.

This morning a helper carrying heavy grocery let me get on the bus first, and when I alighted, I waited for her and tried to help her.

Something simple like this, was really what my heart wanted to do, and I felt good.

And once again, I learnt about listening to my heart. My heart who seemed to know what and why or how.

In the afternoon, I went out for my assignment . It was a lunch tasting for a CNY project I was working on. And my heart didn’t skip.

I didn’t feel excitement I wasn’t hearing my heart I guess.

But in the session, I met new people, creative people who were in and out of my field, new people, people whom I have met in the food industry. I enjoyed meeting new people and having these big and little exchanges about life. There were opportunities to flash out my opinions and work them out, learning about confidence and expression.

I enjoy listening and talking to people and finding out about their lives.

And someone new I met, a creative, told me to get out and start earning my keep with my talents, contacts and passion.

To find something I love, and make things better. He said that it is not necessary to find something original or new, but definitely should make things better.

He encouraged me to step out and to do something. And if its something you love, you never tire and never work a single day.

As I sat listening to him, I wonder why.

Why is this person who, I have met just an hour ago, tell me all these things? Is this coincidence?

Who is he? Who sent him to talk to me, with what he said and the way he said?

Somehow I feel egged on.

Is there something I have put down or ignored? Was it my light that I dimmed or switched off on my own accord?

Is it time to do something?

I went to fetch Huaihao after class, and we walked, hand in hand, telling him about what I did and all.

Before long its bedtime.

Huaihao is happy to chat. He told me what he did in class, the games he played and how he behaved, he did a boogie and chuckled, then he showed how his friend danced in class and we both laughed in the night.

I couldn’t thank him enough.

I said thank you to him, for loving me and for lifting me up. I opened up and told him how I felt about work, he asked me how much I will be getting paid.

And then he said wow.

I said I didn’t really feel like working but with the money I can lighten Daddy’s load and I can get whatever I wanted or what they wanted. Which brings me to the point,’ “should I be happy about this?”

He nodded, “uh huh”

I got an uh huh moment.

I must have been in dreamland, unaware, like a spoilt brat, mulling over unimportant things not mindfully.

This conversation gave me energy. Showed me light and pointed out to me a new perspective ———or at least, looking at things from another angle.

Having the opportunity to earn dollars and to be trusted, having the opportunity to contribute my light.

I used to look at it the “old way”, that way stemmed from my experiences, habits, but the magic Huaihao is, helped me find a way out.

He lifted me up.

And all the angels around me did too. I believe.

And who——- lifted you?

Affected

Affected

by yellownblac ♥ 1 Comment

I don’t know why I am so affected.

One day the previous week, I saw a chat in the parent’s group chat, that there’s a little boy in the children’s primary school who is suffering from cancer and has an arm chopped off.

The chat asked for donations as he is about to go for an operation and his dad has just been diagnosed with illness.

I was affected more than I knew.

Even now as I m typing my thoughts out, I feel so pained.

The sun was shining, but I couldn’t feel the warmth.

I asked myself if I can ignore this message. I can’t. But what else can I do besides donating? How much can I donate?

I thought about John. An essential oil guru who is so adept with essential oils he has helped healed so many.

I texted back wanting to talk about this.

Then I hesitated.

Is this right time?

How would the parents take this? Alternative therapy isn’t what any person on the street can accept.

Should i leave the judgement to them ?

I decided to cancel the typing. Typically John would let his clients still go for the mainstream method before proposing essential oils for healing. Maybe I should text them after the boy’s operation.

I silently prayed for him. I chanted mantras whenever I remembered, I asked my friend to write his name for a puja in Nepal for blessings.

But before I knew, last Saturday, in the same chat group. I received message that the boy has passed away the night before due to complications in surgery.

I just couldn’t control my tears.

Why couldn’t he wait? Why did I wait? Would I have made a difference? Should I have made the decision? Should I blame myself?

It was all too painful.

I feel suppressed and tight.

I had to make effort to breathe.

I felt low on energy since then. Like something heavy drabbed over me. I couldnt feel hungry. My neck my shoulders were heavy, so was my breath.

Why was I so affected?

I couldn’t understand.

What called out to me? What was it that tugged at me?

Was it how life can go so quickly? How much we cannot control? How much we should not wait? How (un)fair life can be? How complex life can be? Is this karma? Is this how life can be or cant life be something else? Can life be empathetic ?

What exactly is life?

The last year or so I have been reading and getting acquainted with great teachers on soul evolution and transformation, I have been reading about manifesting what you want, laws of pure potentiality, or how life or the universe works to support us.

These are empowering, you find yourself responsible for your own path. You realise you have the power to steer your course.

It is all so positive and cocreative.

But this incident happened like a hard knock. Even if I could interpret this as karma, or how one’s soul has chosen this path, it brings to mind how much or how little we can do at the same time.

In unawareness, what happened to the boy such that he would have chosen this path? What made him suffer so much to make this decision?

In our lives, how have we made decisions unwittingly not mindfully in that split second because something happened and we responded in a particular way, out of habit, from a place of trauma—— in pain.

In pain we create pain.

Not that we can’t create something positive but it takes a lot more.

What is painful is how people keep repeating and keeping themselves in a cycle or how difficult it is to get out.

I told my husband, who has been lately angry with the kids, that we have to be careful and mindful with our words, we do not know how our words can affect another.

How have we as parents erred? How have we hurt our children in anger?

I felt fear and regret.

I looked back at my life. How have I made silly decisions in a split second that did not serve me.

I should count my blessings.

I was judging myself way too much.

But we can get a hold of ourselves and be mindful as much as we can. I hear myself say.

Count your blessings. Be grateful for the angels whom you have met along the way to show you the light. I hear myself say.

We can hug the kids at bedtime and learn from our mistakes and be better persons in our own right and become better parents to our kids.

There are many things we can do with mindful awareness and intention.

After a few days of stomaching these, I finally took to talking with the kids. At first I wanted to shield them from the news, what good would this do? But I decided to share my feelings with them.

After all, if I want to have an open culture of my kids sharing their emotions with me, I want to show them this is what I do. It was difficult to, I was choking but I tried to find the very words that could express my heartfelt emotions.

That we should all cherish our lives and the everyday we get a chance at. The little boy fought so hard to go to school despite it all. How awesome he is.

Qinzhi cried hearing this.

I told them we have to learn how to cherish and treasure our every breath, no matter how hard sometimes it may be, we continue to push on and not give up. To not take things for granted. To make good every opportunity we have to make ourselves better—-to carry on!

To love and care for each other.

Thank you for the inspiration, little angel. May light be with you——always.

Moving III

Moving III

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One more sleep and we are moving out of Redhill.

Moving is an exercise of marie kondo——you are given the opportunity to decide what to bring along to the next phase of your life, what to let go.

First of all, I let my childhood presents go. The watch and belt I had since I was perhaps 5 or 6? The koala bear that Stanley brother brought for me when he went to Australia for his honeymoon, the tie I wore to Hwa Chong JC, the Mickey Mouse tin box mommy gifted me when she went on a Japan trip with Dad when I was in primary school?

I keep the McDonalds book bundle though , Qinzhi could use it. Is it 30 years old?

I decided to let my holiday diaries and keepsakes go. The first time I did what my heart willed and went to Hokkaido, doing what I really want. The first time I travelled with bf, and all the other travels together to Aussie and etc. I let go of the Disney keepsake.

I decided to let the perfume my husband then boyfriend bought for me go.

And the ribbon that was on the bouquet he gave me on our wedding day.

I decided to let my diaries go.

I decided to let go of the drawings I made

Inner Child’s Lollipop 2 Aug 2013
Happy Birthdae 2013/ Mothering Me

I decided. Then all the MRI scan pictures.
I let go of lots of cookbooks that famous chefs signed for me. And a book I wrote.

I decided to let go of the house.

We finally let go of the house on 10.10.2020

The key is I decided

Lol. Why did I even hold on to them in the first place?

To hold on.

For fear of something someday that I may need.

Attachment.

Holding on to a past. Some identity. Some part of me.

Is it difficult to let these go?

Not really. I hear the old me almost reverting back to holding on. But being aware now,

———

This is actually a pause, a gap

A bardo.

That I m in, i m in the middle , between my past and my future , then and tomorrow.

I want to use the opportunity of this bardo, this pause this gap, to make it good. I must have told myself —- try something different. If I held on, how about opening my hands myself up and letting go?

I tried 😊

And it feels pretty good 😉

I don’t need them now. I want to be in the now. I kissed them packed them and imagine a fire consuming them as they dissolve into nothingness.

Amazingly I don’t have as much emotions as I thought I would have —- to leave this house.

Thank you! For sheltering me protecting me through all times , most of all for giving me the space to grow and develop to become me now. I remember all the me in all of those times, when we moved in, when Qinzhi and HuaiHao were little , when I was in fear, sadness, pain and desperation, when I pursued my dreams and soar, when I cooked , when I penned down my thoughts , did raindrop therapy for qinzhi etc

And I honour these all. They allowed me to stretch my malleability as a person as I went through all these experiences and emotions. Making me who I am now. Acknowledging and accepting these all, and the space, I pack all of these into bubbles and send all of them to the sun and to light.

Thank you and goodbye 😊

Loving this —- now I feel more ready than before to step up to now and tomorrow.

I thank the universe for this opportunity.

“Life is designed to provide your soul with the perfect tools, the perfect circumstances, the perfect conditions with which to realize and experience, announce and declare, fulfill and become Who You Really Are. “——- Neale Donald Walsch

Moving II

Moving II

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Before I knew, it’s just a matter of a few more days before I move out of my flat.

That I day I texted teacher to let him know that the latest check done on the cyst looked good.

To which teacher says, “Although many people have supported you and you are in my prayer everyday, this is result of your incesante and continuous work of self analysis, questioning and acceptance of yourself and your history. Unpeeling one layer after the other and filling and surrounding yourself with love, light and the transforming life force.

How do I know? I follow silently your blogs.
Continue with your marvellous work and cyst will vanish completely.”

How does he know?

Teacher asked me how it’s been on my end and I said, “ 2020 went about so quickly we are into October already. Time seems to be speeding up as if it’s bent on moving us forward

Yet at the daily level it feels like life’s slowed down a little but details magnified for me. I didn’t do a lot on the work front but there’s still a lot of creativity popping out of me whenever I do, making me feel like I want to contribute more

I did more on the personal development front though

Everyday after the kids go to school, I have my own time doing a little reiki, meditation or watching k pop drama

I followed a lot more people who are down the spiritual growth path such as deepak chopra and the like and getting acquainted with what they preach , experimenting and seeing if the things they propose work

But the biggest discovery for myself this year through all these exposure is that we are capable of shaping our own reality

And often the creation happens in the moments we tend to let slip by

Relationship with my husband is still volatile. Seems like the unpleasant parts are more than the pleasant ones and there are many times I want to just let it go

But through it all —- although I still get lots of anger and unhappiness and dissatisfaction, I find myself gradually becoming more balanced , using these opportunities to look deeper into myself

I think I grew up pretty much through these

A few opportunities have come along for me to do more work

Might start a little agency of sorts to help small entities with marketing and content creation tying in my connections in a meaningful way

And if it happens, I want to call my agency “ Mind the Gap”

The gap might be what challenges people
But more and more, I see that the gap can be a creative space to make good

In Tibetan Buddhism , the bardo is where —- if we are mindful enough—- we observe and pause and catalyze a transformation

I have been putting this agency idea off even if many pple have asked me to start out on my own

I remember what I told Mr Ng，I told him that going forward I wanted to do things to offer my light, to offer warmth, hope, to inspire as I build my own brand. Slowly but surely it seems I m getting into the flow. The big picture is somewhat there. And I am approaching it.

But I m taking it slow and going with how I feel

Still feeling my way around as I m moving house on 10/10

Talking about this, i wanted to do a closure on our experiences as a family in this space. To honour it and to thank the space for protecting and sheltering us and to let it go

Are there any simple practices in reiki for this?”

Teacher probed, “Are you moving house?
Or do you just want to close a chapter?”

It got me thinking.

“Moving temporarily to be with my maternal family at marine crescent for half a year before we move again to my new flat at marine parade

It would be a closure of sorts right?
The opportunity came for us to move to a slightly bigger space – an upgrade fr 4 room to 5. The price is right and we sold it

It was afterwards that I realized the significance

I m given the chance to create and shape my future my reality.

What do I want? Where m I going? Who are the people I will meet? What will I be doing? Why am I doing these?

I feel excited! Like something bubbling in me!

It is because we needed it we sent out an echo and the universe responded

It also means we r ready somewhat and has passed a test somewhat as a family

It means to me that the existing space and all it carries —- our lifestyle habits attitudes mindsets we have applied on this space that have served us in this space

Is in need of an upgrade too
The old that has served us can no longer
I wanted to honour and give my thanks—- and I can move on

I also think I have spent (more than ) enough time living my past and allowing myself to feel like i have been victimised and at the passive end. When in fact I could have actively lived in the present, embracing the present rather than reliving the past and feeling sorry for myself gain and again. If anything, YES, you are right, I want to actively close that chapter, quite an important one I must say

U started off that chapter picking up pieces and putting things back in place for my family, on the surface to make everything look fine
Then I progressed to physical issues and emotional discomfort
Learning about the relationship between these two
Feeling angry and upset or feeling unjust and unfair——-pitying myself that I was the suffering one, the victim who has been affected when I didnt do anything wrong and had to pick up all the pieces
And then learning to work those emotions and feeling them in my body and learning to see that through it all, I actually had a role to play in the unfolding of events, I had a responsibility to bringing myself to where I am now, and that i made many choices without awareness and wisdom

Still if not for these, I wouldn’t have met wonderful people like yourself

And I honour my path and want to close that chapter, like a long holiday or a dream I gave to myself,
and move on.”

From seeing them as hurt to seeing them as gifts I can use to make a meaningful difference ——- with gratitude that the universe is keeping me in mind, blessed

What a journey!

“Wonderfully said dear PY. And so you should approach the clousre.

Give thanks to the apartment to have given you a home for all that time and experience. That you are start a new chapter in your life, and wont need anything from the past.

Then visualise the all the experinces and emotions in that apartment ( symbolically as an ‘All experiences conscious and unconscious’), pack and seal them in a silver bubble or as many as it takes. And send them all into the sun.

For those past experiences and thoughts to be permanently disolved for ever.”

Then I saw this

It seems like this pretty much sums up my journey

Learning to understand and accept that there is a greater wisdom out there and we are but expressions of his higher wisdom, grace and beauty. It’s a humbling experience and definitely transformative when you become from big or important and egoistic to small. Small is beautiful!

I can only be grateful and thankful for what I have been given and how the divine has worked on me though me with me.

I remember what Mr Ng said—— that only when we are ourselves and express our light we live our best versions of ourselves. Fetching that which is untinted by experience that un spoilt boundless free nature. We are light. The experiences have let me go through a process of peeling open or unraveling the outside layers and revealing my light.

Om ma ne pad me hung