Ah Siong Hia is what I call him by for as long as I know.

Ah Siong is his name and Hia means brother in Hokkien.

I was nannied by his family and his auntie took me as a goddaughter. And because of this connection, I earned myself a few brothers who cared and loved me like no other. They gave me the respite I needed from the responsibilities of being an elder sister.

I remember when I was little I would always sit in his car and he would drive us to Changi airport at night to fetch his sister Ah Tin, who worked at Duty Free.

I remember being his flower girl when he got married to Michelle his wife.

Then when I had Qinzhi and when Qinzhi was little, and had Happy Train classes at Bugis on weekends, he drove her from Paris Ris to Bugis for us whenever Qinzhi did a staycay with them.

I remember the way he calls me and always cared for me- like hia— a brother. He always made sure people had things to eat—- when he himself never really did.

I heard how hard he worked for the family, doing lots of shift work at the airport at SATS. I remember when times were good he took the family to travel in Australia and bought me little koalas and an opal necklace

The last ten years of his life was less easy for him. He was diabetic and went on to do dialysis. I didn’t really visit him even though I heard how thin he had become or how he couldn’t walk or how he was panting or couldn’t sleep well or how he kept falling

I didn’t want to see and I kept away

I didn’t have the courage to.

He finally found himself in icu after another fall and at the dialysis center . And the next things I heard was his decision to decline the oxygen mask. He stayed on for another day and was gone last Sunday.

And what was I feeling about this? How was I really taking it?

I don’t know actually.

Qinzhi burst out in tears and HuaiHao said , “so sad … it’s like you cannot do anything about it”

Qinzhi was obviously shaken and she couldn’t really vocalize it. I asked her if she felt fear ? Fear of people leaving her and she said yes.

The kids are slightly older now and have begun to understand life and the cycles of it

I told them to remember the goodness and love Ah Siong Hia have given to them. And to wish him well and peace .

But how am I taking it? Ah Siong Hia’s passing made me think about life and death

So much time has passed since I played the role of a flower girl at his wedding. Time has gone for us all.

And listening to how he was and his decision through others made me see how dreamlike how fleeting life can be

In the time he was struggling in the hospital, everyone was expecting the worse. When would the last be?

And how different is it when we wait or expect a baby to be born ?

No one can control and no one knows.

Before we knew, he breathed his last. His family were obviously shaken, torn between feeling relieved that he need not suffer any longer and feeling pained for him.

I keep hearing how he cared for his family how he drove everyone around and ran errands – I remember being in his car and he would play Hokkien songs – and these are all long gone – and the next thing is his final send off before he is cremated and reduced to ashes

And is life —-to be this way?

How can we live life happily healthily joyfully meaning-fully while being subscribed to our habits our stories ?

There’s a sense of helplessness as people go about their lives , imprisoned by their feelings thoughts and perspectives

Yet we sometimes just need another point of view, an openness and a willingness to see to try a different path and follow a new direction. This point of difference is all that matters , so easy yet so hard all at once

I pray and wish for all to have the motivation to eke out a new path to have that opportunity that added push that energy that blessing that protection to

Life is short but life is long too

Life is hard but life can be easy too

Life is difficult but life can be very very good too

And I want to consciously live life well from now.

On Sunday afternoon, I shared with the kids this. I said I asked myself what I really want to do?

I thought so long: and my answer to myself would be that: I want to do something, anything that allows me to discover to feel and express the good in life. Goodness, honesty, integrity, love, compassion, heart, passion, perseverance, kindness, joy, to have the chance to capture these sparkling magic moments, to savour them cherish them celebrate them and share them outwards

That is what I want to do

And more than ever, I want to and know I can live long and well

I want to and know I can get the support of my body to go for it with me. As always.

I texted teacher Stephan to thank him for sharing over lunch and how he always believed in me and cherished me even before I did . And he replied to me this

“Dear Pin Yen, sometimes we loose sight of ourselves and need to be reminded, how precious you are.

So I will tell you again and again.

But it is important that you recognize and accept it.

And it is just the beginning…

I’m flying off tomorrow, we are connected and am always here for you and if you need an enkaku. Until very soon!”

I just had to ask myself when I stopped recognizing myself when I stopped seeing my power?

I asked myself that question until I fell into sleep last night.

Was it when I quit Michelin ? Was it even earlier? Was it when I was a child and I kept missing the chances when I wasn’t picked for some leadership roles? Was it when I was a student and I didn’t believe I had the right answer? Was it when I saw fellow peers succeed and envied them being in the spotlight while I lashed it out at myself chiding myself for not doing better or my best? I dimmed my own light!

Is this all above important ? what has been?

NO. Really. No . What has been had been.

I spent so much time asking and pondering and trying to find out. But I would accept this all now – all the experiences that have brought me here.

I’m sincerely thankful for them, for making me this way and bringing me here. I think I have done well and I can say- to the best of my ability

And I do want to DO more. I know and want my life to be so different in so many good ways, in ways new joyful healthy happy successful that I have never been or seen. And I know I can

Life is a dream but life is not.

I want to leave something beautiful and heartwarming every step of the way. And I know I can.

And we all can.

Thank you Ah Siong Hia, for all the love and care you have given to me. I am so grateful and thankful I have the chance to call you Ah Siong Hia and be a little sister to receive your love. Please rest and be at peace now.