Shortly after psle, the parent chat group sent in an invitation, for parents to pen a letter to our child.
On the day the psle results are released, the teachers would give out the letters first before releasing the academic results.
I wrote this for Qinzhi
And I had the chance to elaborate on this letter in my column on zb. I wrote about how I started writing to Qinzhi the day I knew I became pregnant. 13 years ago.
And the feeling of wanting to write to her has always been there. I just wanted to record the littlest sweetest things I felt with her . How she grew with me. How I felt with her. I wanted to let her know everything so that when faces any situation in life, she knew why and how she is in this situation and she knows how to release herself from this situation.
I hope she would be aware of her precious gifts of intuition and perceptiveness and safeguard them like a heritage gem
I hope she would be that little bird not afraid to take on the sky or that little flower adamant at blooming so as to speak the language the intelligence and wisdom of nature
Sometimes I was worried if I would have been too honest to write out all my feelings. And I’ll be afraid that Qinzhi might not be able to bear the honesty
An ex colleague saw what I wrote and texted me that she really liked this warmth conveyed in the writing
I told her what I felt and she said, 😊你的女兒很有福氣能有你這個媽咪! 坦白是多麼難得的禮物啊. 沈重也是禮物啊❤️越難說出口的話，難得有人願意說，願意對自己坦白
And today in a reiki session, as I placed my hands on my body, I heard something.
I heard heartaches and that was why I kept having piercing pain in my heart and chest area.
At the navel and belly button, I heard a wisdom that says, don’t hold on to your mother’s unhappiness and be free.
I was acting like a righteous protective daughter wanting to stand up for mom’s sufferings.
And I see that in Qinzhi too . She always stands up to protect me from the little things like asking her dad to carry heavy things or massage me.
Qinzhi is echoing me and showing me how I have been.
I have been carrying my mommy’s pain for the longest time and it is showing up at my navel in the form of a cyst
And so I release all the pain and suffering of mommy that I have consciously and unconsciously taken on all these years.
I see that I do not need to be responsible for these feelings at all. I free myself from them and open up myself to the new possibilities and good and more than I have ever imagined.
When I went to my pelvic area where the keloids are I also saw the shame and guilt my father had.
I had taken them on – willingly, consciously and unconsciously minding them all this while.
And so I release them, and myself.
Interestingly, I have a lot of feelings of gratitude of late. And they allow me to be mindful that there’s no need at all to hold on any more grudge that exist between me and dad.
I happily joyfully release any grudges and other feelings of fear hatred anger frustration shame guilt that I have consciously or unconsciously taken on.
We are almost at the end of November and approaching December. And Huaihao’s graduated from Primary 2. This year it will be special because Huaihao will be changing school to somewhere nearer to where we are now. If not, he would have been in 3 Optimism.
Got the children to pack and sort of stuff they did this year and Huaihao discovered that playing and moving the holographic papers in light made these reflections on the wall. That aside, this is Huaihao receiving his Spark Award on stage for overall excellent performance.
How he has grown?! Just looking at this, his clothes have become tiny and tight! And the things he drew in school!
He continued to work on remarkable transformative Lego creations and would tell me about them and how they transformed
On Ah Mei ah yi’s birthday, he did her a card and massaged her.
When Ah yi made bread, he chipped in and had fun!
We continued to do running every weekend if dad is not at work and now that school holidays have started, the kids are beginning to head over to popo and yiyi’s at upper boon keng. We’ll find time to work out and be with the sun and wind.
I asked Huaihao how it feels like to be on stage to receive an award, and he says that he feels happy and proud. I kissed him and told him how proud I m too, not because he received an award but because I gave birth to him and I have him as my son whom I could share my life with.
We change due to external circumstances, sometimes unwillingly unconsciously. But when we meditate, we are willingly and consciously—— asking our brain to change
This week’s “Message from the Angels” through Ann Albers:
Dear ones, you are expanding the light of the Divine upon your earth with every single kind, comforting, or loving thought. You are expanding the light of the Divine with every simple act of kindness, every simple moment of appreciation, and every simple desire for expansion. You are the hands, the eyes, the mouth, the heart of God living in a human body, in a myriad of beautiful forms. If you could see yourselves the way we see you, the way the Divine sees you, you would get up every morning and give thanks for your presence upon this earth.
Imagine this now. Imagine getting up in the morning and taking a deep, voluntary, conscious breath, breathing in the day and all the love you intend to experience within it. Breathe in deeply and imagine that you are drawing the force of life into your entire being. Imagine the energy you are breathing in enlivening your cells and energizing your body. Imagine the energy you are breathing is soothing your thoughts, calming your emotions, and fueling you with a passion for what you are going to do this day. Imagine appreciating all you have, and all you will accomplish.
Say to yourself before you move from the bed, “I am a gift and a blessing to this earth. On this day, I will shine my light, share my love, and live according to my heart. If I bump into something I don’t care for, be it a situation, a person, a behavior, I’ll bless it and release it and focus myself back on all there is to be grateful for. Thank you, God for this day. Thank you God, for dreaming me into being. Thank you God, for lighting my path, and living and loving within me.”
Dear ones, give thanks every day – for the breath you breathe, for your beating heart, for the sensitivity that allows you to feel the cozy blankets on your bed, and smell your morning beverage. Give thanks for the people in your life who love you and the ones who trigger you to learn to love yourself more. Give thanks for the actions you will perform and perform them with love. Give thanks most of all for your loving and beautiful heart because you, dear ones, are the greatest gift of all. It is through your willingness to incarnate into your planet earth that you learn to amplify and expand love beyond what it has been before.
Every time you give thanks, you elevate your vibration instantly. Every time you appreciate the simplest moment you raise yourself into a higher vibration of love. The more often you count your blessings and give thanks for them, the more you move in the direction of your dreams, for in these lovely and lovely vibrations of appreciation you are an open channel for the light to love you, lead you, uplift you, and guide you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who celebrate the holiday, and Happy Giving Thanks to all of you who appreciate anything any day of your lives.
God Bless You! We love you so very much. ~ The Angels
I like this I see upon waking up. Great reminder for our own practice as we connect deeper to our own existence . By Tone Mellard
FREQUENCY is going to be an evermore repeated word and theme in the coming times. There are several ways to target and raise our vibrational frequencies.
Meditation is a top one. In my meditations, once I have shifted into the observer of my mind and centered into my heart, I expand my energy field outward, omnidirectionally. As I do this, I absorb the zero point field of energies within this space, like a trawling net cast out, then retract and pull these light codes and photons back into me.
Deep focused breathwork with visualization and affirmations. When I practice super deep, controlled breathing, I will say an affirmation prior to my session:
“I now powerfully breathe in the highest light and codes for my evolution and activation.”
As I breathe in very deeply, I imagine powerful light and energy filling my lungs, then emanating outward from there, supercharging my entire body and energy field around me with light.
Connecting to nature. The Earth. The Sun. The uncontaminated purity of creation. Spending time in the forest or Ocean are two ways of charging and rehabilitating. Resetting our energy. Both have highly ionized air, one due to the massive amount of flora / fauna, one due to waves crashing and purifying the air with particles of mist. Sitting or standing barefoot in either local also connects to the very ancient and beautiful energy of our Earth mother, Gaia. Her energy is a healing frequency.
The sun is playing a larger and larger role in what is happening. It, like the earth, is a living Being. Very advanced, powerful spirit. If not already doing so, I would highly recommend connecting deeper to it, and practicing sun gazing for a few minutes daily, when it is low on the horizon, sun up, or sundown. Speak to the sun. Ask it to send you it’s highest codes, to assist you in strengthening your pineal gland, and activate your dormant DNA. It actually can receive your telepathic comms, and will respond in kind.
Diet. You are what you eat, and not all foods are created equal, especially in terms of vibration and frequency. If looking to maximize your frequency, I would highly recommend limiting junk food and heavy stuff such as meat. I won’t get preachy about this, but I can tell you that most meats are of a heavy, denser frequency.
Highest frequency foods which will raise your vibration are those grown out of the earth, not treated with pesticides. Organic fruits and vegetables. Fibrous green veggies top the list. The more you make these a regular stable, the lighter and more hyper-tuned psychically you will be. Intermittent fasting also is like a reset button on your entire system. Once a month, fasting for a day can help reset cell function and cleanse your digestive tract and energy field.
As more and more huge shifts occur, we are going to be tested. We are going to FEEL so much. We have the capacity to help guide this process, and even how far we can take our evolution.
We ARE being assisted by a higher power. There are energies and forces incoming. Interacting with us. With our energy fields. If we work in CONJUNCTION with them, we set up the potential to wind up the highest version of who and what we can become.
Take an active part in this process, and you will wind up on your most advanced, highest frequency version of self-transformation.
On this day, Qinzhi graduated from primary school. If it hadn’t been Covid, we would have been at school clapping when she goes on stage. But we clapped all the same at home watching the YouTube link shared by the school
Where has time gone? My little princess has even her own TikTok now
The days fade into time and only the events pop up now. And the subtle things like how she bit my nipple when the nurse first put her on my chest right after coming out of me. Like how she warmed my hands when I was at my weakest.
It was in 2018 december that Qinzhi had her first experience of focal epilepsy.
With medical advice to keep piling on medication, I felt a nudge in me that says —-there must be some other way out, there must be. I went to seek the advice of John and the community. And was given a protocol to calm and ground Qinzhi . John says that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Qinzhi and encouraged me to ground her—this crystal child who is extremely sensitive to energies around her. He asked us to keep the energies in the house stable. He commented that if I changed, she changes. He recommended simple things like eating clean, stem cell therapy everyday, the importance of mineral essence and super b to ground her nervous system. I did raindrop for Qinzhi every single night with the oils suggested.
After 2 plus years, the doctor says that we can consider cutting down on medication should there be no further episodes. A few weeks back qinzhi went for an EEG and the after so long, the doctor agreed that we can cut down on medication.
This is one very wonderful piece of news and I have John and the community to thank. I asked Qinzhi what is the best news and she says it has to be this/
She has grown so much since then. Into the little lady she is now
Qinzhi is this playful happy child who would not stop at “mischief” and playthings like this, like if anyone came by for delivery, she would go “Hello”. When daddy did his art tests before he went for work in this covid situation, qinzhi would partake in the live test with his boss and say Hello to his boss too.
She is this happy expressive joyful spirit I never knew before the seizure events. Today we are managing this together as we had for the past 2 plus years. As much she changed, I did too in my own way. She’s taught me too much, about essential oils. About the process, about healing and healing together. I left my job to heal with her and I think that was the best decision I made in my life. When I heal, my mother and daughter heals. I experience this for myself. And the road to healing is a long one. :like the peeling of the onion skin.
This is the painting she did for her own room. And gengyan jiujiu says she should explore art further. I think so too. And Qinzhi is someone who thinks when she moves. She is dancing really well to kpop and doing lots of exercises to keep fit and in shape these days.
School’s out and Qinzhi got an award for being a “character champion” in school; shining for the way she is. I think in life, results carry you only to a certain distance, but the character you hold is with you for life. We spent some time clearing away the old textbooks and worksheets.
A while ago, the parent chat group sent out an invitation for parents to write a letter to our children who would be receiving the letters on the day of receiving PSLE results, as an active way of informing the kids, that the results do not define them.
We were let known that the results will be released on the 24th November and Qinzhi has asked me to bring her to school to collect her results.
The 17th is Ah Mei ah Yi’s birthday, and Qinzhi wrote ah yi a card and a letter. I think its pretty well articulated and heartfelt. Then she helped ah yi make bread and videoed the process
Dear Qinzhi, your perception and generous heart, kindness is a gift from the divine. Math science english or academic results will not make life easy and happy for you, but learning to appreciate and honour the gifts of perceptiveness and use your magnanimity and generosity will help you go far,
Remember that you are one and only, always and ever precious.
Running today while using breaths to clean my inside presented me with something new.
When the breaths come to the heart, I saw how it differed from the last run.
When I used light to clean the heart and pictured it shiny the last time, light this morning cleaned what heart experienced.
Then the lungs the liver the stomach and intestines.
When I came to the navel, I saw crystal clear light at the belly button and a picture of a navel as a baby came up. Then me as a baby. Me just out of the birth canal, my looking at the world in wonder me crying in fear and fright, not knowing how when why what.
I gathered I absorbed fear from the surroundings and I saw how this precious crystal clear light cleaned me and the baby girl once again looked at the world in wonder and with curiosity.
Born again.
What a morning. To reinforce process and how it could have been different!
Spent some time on sunday night on this wonderful talk by Khandro La whom I met in Dharamsala, India a few years back
The contents I have captured here, otherwise in youtube above.
Shantideva is referred in the Tibetan world: life-force of buddhism in tibet and the larger buddhist world
The Way of the Bodhisattva-by Shantideva
10 chapters,
1 line captures the essence: “May the precious bodhicchita arise where it has not arisen” and where it has arisen, may it not decrease and increase further and further
Sentient beings do not want to suffer, all sentient beings want happiness
Suffering has a cause, likewise, happiness has a cause
Happiness and suffering came through interdependence
if we don’t understand the benefits of bodhicitta it will be difficult to keep that intention
bodhicitta: inside the mind, inside the precious altruistic mind of enlightenment that has been tamed.
mind that has not been tamed is full of suffering
methods of taming mind is v important
we have (precious karma ) to achieve this precious human body
how do we make it meaningful
deep inside mind, there are untamed problems and difficulties, we need to see methods for taming our own mind, see how mind endowed with love, loving kindness is so important to tame the mind
examine ourselves to see the accumulations of merit and wisdom
identifying recognising and acknowledging suffering is v important
suffering comes from self centredness or ego fixation or conceptual mind of ignorance , ie a distorted mind state
distorted mind has ways of grasping and holding things incorrectly
eg what is impermanent is held to be permanent, gives rise to attachment and anger
what is unclean is held to be clean
what is not self is held to be self
all misunderstandings are distorted mind
subject and object are not seen in nature not seen for what they are, and gives rise to grasping and we have desires anger ill will dullness wrong view
with these it seems we cant find bodhicitta
ignorance or not knowing holds things as being permanent, real or true, substantial and holds oneself and others to be concrete and real
and what comes from that is suffering
at the root, we find this sense of self: me: what is mine is important
when we have a mind like that, our mind is very small
anytime our understanding is in contradiction to the way things are: we are in confusion
when we look at sense of self importance, based on idea that i m good what i have is good, eg my body , my, we cling, when we look at it in terms of its parts, we start to see the body as what it actually is
the body is flesh, fluid, bones, composed of different parts
as mind, we see that we are grasping to my body and give rise to afflictive emotions such as desire, aversion, envy, ill will, wrong view etc
if we see that our own body, underlying reality of our body, we understand that nature which is also the nature of reality, we come to understand if we use the body well, it is the best support for accomplishing what is truly meaningful such as omniscience, liberation,
grasping onto ourselves, self centred grasping , based on holding ourselves as the most important, most precious, this comes from self cherishing, and whatever happens, we want the best for ourselves
we need to reverse this tendency, ie cherish others more than ourselves
the way to do this is by reflecting: the number of other beings is unlimited and there is only one me
consider: myself and others are the same in wanting happiness and not wanting to suffer
doesn’t make sense: that gd things or anything that is desirable, why should I have this only for myself? in fact all of us want the same things such as praise,
so turn that around and self cherishing into other cherishing
this is taming the mind: reduce our self importance and self cherishing
our mind can become better with this
taming the mind: if we understand the way mind clings , ie all things we experience that holds things as real is not like the way we grasp, if we understand, we can destroy our own grasping and our mind can open up open widely to actual path of liberation that leads to omniscience
and all the qualities we wish for can manifest
then we can look towards enlightenment which means purified and expanded
when we understand that everything is not substantial and solid as we hold, we purify by understanding how things actually are, the our cherishing can be purified and exhausted
when this happens we can experience genuine renunciation
sometimes we may have a little bit of renunciation compassion from time to time, but it vanishes when we cling
when the inner mind that is experiencing outer objects are not established, we can have genuine renunciation then we can have authentic love for others and ripen into bodhicitta
important to understand that bodhicitta comes from taming the mind not just hoping for it or mere words or aspiration.
bodhicitta comes from equalising self and others
and understanding that the conceptual mind and everything we perceive is not substantial
same as realising the nature of mind: simplicity and beyond constructs
anything or what is based on cause and condition is not truly established or substantial
when can understand this, the sentient beings who wander based on their karma, we can feel compassion rooted in dharma arise
this understanding towards other beings is important
because of our distorted view, we have been wandering in samsara since the beginningless of time
when mind becomes vast it is because we understand emptiness more and more, and mind becomes honest
the more honest the mind is the more good the mind becomes
Qns: how can we be kind or feel altruistic or bodhicitta towards someone who has harmed us?
we are humans aren’t we, we can arouse our mindful awareness to try not to get angry
anger doesn’t benefit others nor ourselves
when we encounter a bad situation or condition, try to be skilful, we need to have some insights, can i change this situation. if we can, lets try to change it. if nothing can be done, we leave it and let it go
if we understand that phenomenal are not concrete or truly real, we understand that the grasping is the prob , this is based on ignorance or our misunderstanding, then we can feel compassion towards that person and see that he or she has fundamental misunderstandings about the reality
with understanding we can have compassion patience
Qns: what is the best way to help family who has strong afflictive feelings or a difficult time
if we can see and recognise afflictive emotions, its good
in general having a good altruistic mind is a universal right, its not about being a buddhist, its a birthright for all to be happy
but beings are caught in samsara: suffering and distraction can come at any time, towards all beings, we wish them happiness mental and physical and to go beyond suffering and to have liberation
this affectionate loving mind is so important to have and to receive
we do not have to hold on to the idea of a buddhist, just be honest, loving,
rely on the six paramitas on our path : our best companion on the path: we do not have to hold on to bad things done to us, bring forth view of interdependence and conduct of non violence and causing no harm
In my self reiki session, I heard this thought: when you help others heal, you heal. When you heal, you (help) others heal.
Because others are a reflection of you, you see yourself in others. And also, when you heal, others get inspired.
As I placed my hands on myself, my keloids, i cannot help but thank them. The body remembers in its own way, mine came in the form of keloids and this capture of specific and precise moments in time recorded down things that were good for me, even though the times seemed daunting—- that I did not pick up there and then.
I saw myself in front of the hospital bed when dad had his spinal operation. I was that little girl.
What was it that I could not pick up? It was love I had that I did not know how to express but got translated into fear of losing at that tender age. I had to thank my keloids for storing those moments so I could see that light now.
What about the one at seemed to capture shame guilt?
When the family finance and therefore the family broke down and we were crumbling?
Where’s the light in those moments? And it has to be my stance of facing it together and standing as a family no matter how hard.
These things I could have processed but did not in those moments, they came in the form of keloids and stored these until I am ready.
I thanked the navel for connecting me to my mother and to my children.
The day before when I walked, the sky looked to me as if god is up there, I whispered my thanks and gratitude to my guardian angels who have walked alongside me with me in me . I felt strong choking emotions and a pain in my throat. Stay with these emotions and walk with them.
Be with these, let these powerful emotions move through you.
Healing is a beautiful amazing process.
I am so moved by this I saw @Michael Beckwith:
If you’re by yourself, say out loud: “I’m available to more good than I’ve ever imagined!” Now listen to yourself say it, don’t say it out loud, just listen to yourself saying: “I’m available to more good than I’ve ever imagined.” And notice when you said it, you heard it, but you didn’t listen to it with your ears. This allows you to see the invisible and to listen to the inaudible so that you will be a part of the beautiful spiritual fellowship that will do the impossible!
You are in partnership with the divine, co-creating a way of living, not just affirming what you think you want at any given moment. You are primarily here to develop a way of living that becomes so integrated that insights and revelations are occurring all the time. So then, you’re able to hold the frequency of that without them fading into memory.
Now say:
“Let me co-create a way of life with God that allows me to hold the insights and revelations, the wisdom and the intelligence that are flowing all of the time.”
On my way back from running, while I was walking , I trained myself in the process further.
I chanted mantras. And got to understand why the process mattered.
I was also chanting yesterday and the feeling was letting my body my cells hear the chant or feel the vibrations of the mantras
But today! but today I had the feeling of chanting with all my cells and when I “got lost” or drifted, I invited my body to come back and chant together with me. It feels like I am ushering no motivating and we all have our heart on chanting. There is a certain feeling of fulfillment doing it together with my body with my cells.
And as I went on and on, and got to the keloids and cyst at the belly button, I saw that they (can) and are part of me. But I have never accepted them, much less accepted them as part of my body. I always saw them as something external and something I had to handle to resolve to remove.
I have never accepted or acknowledged them in a way
Then I saw this beautiful light shining through
And , and I can’t believe I m running. And who is the me waiting for me in the distance ?
I look back and remember I was smiling to myself at bedtime yesterday. A very awesome feeling. Smiling and smiley joyful for no reason
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